An: Thank you so much for all the reviews, you make writing this worthwhile.
Extra special thanks to xteamxjasperx for being a willing ear, racing and showing far too much enthusiasm. :)
Chapter Five
Bella
"Bella? Would you still like to leave?"
Leave? Get away from here? Of course I want to leave. But he didn't mean it, not really. He'd told me only half an hour ago that he wanted me more than anything else. There was no chance he was letting me go. I believed him when he said he was trying not to hurt me, it made sense, but I was sure he wasn't going to give me up completely.
Would he let me leave if he could come with me? Outside, I could get away from him. Away from here, he might even be a different man, I might be able to earn his forgiveness by helping him be the Jasper I knew he was capable of being.
"Come with me Jasper. I still don't want to be alone, and I want to make amends." I offered. I thought that if I could get out of here, and I could fix him, I'd be able to move on. I had already decided to stop looking for the Cullen's, and the only thing still tying me to them was Jasper. I owed him for the loss of his mate, and I would try to repay him.
I sat up and moved to the end of the bed as I waited for him to answer. This little bit of freedom was nice enough, I'd half forgotten what it felt like to move around without being held back.
He stood up and paced the length of the room, scowling. "I can't leave here Bella. This life is all I'm good for, and I don't believe for one minute that you really want me with you."
"I do want you with me." It wasn't even a lie. Not entirely. "And you are worth more than this life. You were a good man once, and you can be again. We can help each other."
He continued his pacing shaking his head and muttering occasionally.
"Think of where we could go. We could go to Canada, it's such a big place we wouldn't ever have to see another person if we didn't want to. Or we could head south and explore the rainforest. We could even go to Europe. Aren't there places you want to see, things you want to do? We could travel the world, being a nomad isn't so bad when you're not alone." I spent a few seconds reliving moments with Garrett and hoping he could feel my enthusiasm. With a bit of luck it would rub off on him.
"Or maybe you don't want to travel. We could settle somewhere, get a house and build a life. My control is good, I could work somewhere and we'd even have money for luxuries. You could still hunt humans, I wouldn't mind." I'd put up with it, but I'd try to convince him to come back to the veggie side again.
"I've started again one too many times Bella. I don't have it in me to try again. This is all there is for me now, and this is all there'll ever be." He said quietly, his eyes watching nothing on the wall.
Hesitantly, I offered my last attempt. "What about Peter and Charlotte. We could join them, that wouldn't really be starting again for you. It would be going back."
His face tightened as he moved to sit back on the bed opposite me. "I wouldn't want them to see me like this. They risked their lives to get me out of this place once, I hope they never find out I've willingly come back. They would be so disappointed in me, so ashamed." His lips trembled as he spoke, and I knew my last hope had failed. I was kind of relieved.
He looked across at me and raised an eyebrow. "Why are you relieved that I don't want to see them?"
Oh God. I wasn't proud of this. It was too embarrassing. I shrugged and hoped he'd drop it if I gave him a little. "I met them last year, and stayed with them for almost a month, but Charlotte and I didn't really get along. We didn't part on the best of terms."
"But Charlotte likes everyone." Jasper frowned, looking at me with suspicion. "The only people I've ever seen her get mad at are- oh the old dog! He never could resist a beautiful woman. You slept with Peter didn't you?" Now he was laughing at me. Great.
There was no denying it, and to be perfectly honest, I much preferred him to be laughing at me than shouting at me. "Erm..." I smiled sheepishly. "Charlotte caught us, and I left while she was dismantling her husband." I would have tried to help him, but I heard her telling him she was going to leave him in pieces for a month this time, so I knew he'd be ok. Eventually. I also figured he regularly strayed from home, and he probably deserved it. He told me they had an open relationship, but it sure didn't look that way when she found us in the kitchen.
Jasper stopped laughing and looked thoughtful, and then mildly irritated. I worried I'd done something wrong already. "What has Peter got that I haven't?" He asked after a moment. "I'm just as attractive as he is, and he has almost as many scars. Why would you sleep with him so readily when you run from me?"
I was tempted to laugh at him for the way he was comparing himself to his friend. What he'd said was true, but there was something in Peter's favour that made him a far more attractive lover in any sane woman's eyes. "Is that a joke?" I choked. "You really can't see why I'd choose him over you?"
His mouth fell open and he started to look angry. I'd obviously offended him.
"You cannot possibly expect me to be lusting after you after everything you've put me through. From the moment I met you again I was your prisoner, and strangely enough, those circumstances aren't the best to begin a new relationship in. Peter made me laugh, he made me feel wanted, and most importantly, he gave me a choice. Something you never have."
He looked properly chastised, and even remorseful.
"Maybe if we had met up again under different circumstances there could have been something between us, maybe I would have wanted you then. But never like this, I could never want someone who hurt me." I explained gently, watching him look more and more upset.
"It's not only that though. You've changed a lot, but once upon a time, in another life, you were my best friend's husband, and you were Edwards's brother. I suppose I still see you that way sometimes."
"I wish it worked that way for me." He sighed. "You are not the same Bella at all."
I could understand that in a way, after all, I wasn't even human anymore.
"You were only a child really when we left, you're a woman now, and you look so different." He explained. "I find myself forgetting sometimes that I ever knew you before all this."
The silence stretched between us, and I wondered if I'd missed my chance of getting out. From the corner of my eye I watched Jasper grab a clean shirt and change. His skin was truly littered with scars, and it was a constant reminder of what he did with his time now.
I felt a lot of guilt when I saw those scars. Part of it was because I'd brought him back to this place that clearly hurt him so much, and part of it was because of the damage he was inflicting on others because of me. If I hadn't been so careless on my birthday, he'd still be hunting animals. How many people had I killed with a single paper cut? How could I ever hope to atone for that?
If I stayed here willingly, would I be able to help him? Could I change him? I know myself well enough to know that if he does let me leave, I'll never be able to stop thinking about him here, living like this, hurting himself and everyone around him. It would eat away at me. I'd just end up coming back.
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked finally.
He stared at me intensely for a few seconds. "No."
"And if I stayed, would you lock me up again?"
I watched his face with interest. Surprise, confusion, hope and curiosity were all clearly displayed before he answered. "No."
I took a deep breath and composed myself, not quite able to believe what I was about to say. "Then I'd like to stay with you, provided you agree to some ground rules."
He nodded slowly, and turned around to face me.
"Firstly, I don't want you to touch me at all, in any way. I've noticed that you can't do it without going too far, so it's hands off altogether, ok?" This was my most important rule. Regardless of the guilt I'd feel for leaving, there was no way I was sticking around to be pawed at whenever he felt like it.
I saw a flash of disappointment, quickly smothered by shame as he agreed. "Of course."
"Thank you." I hoped he couldn't feel quite how relieved that made me. "I don't think we should talk about anything that might make you angry either, that's something else that seems to make you less able to control yourself."
He agreed more readily to this suggestion, and I relaxed further. He really didn't want to hurt me.
"Promise me you'll never use the cuffs on me again?"
He sat back, crossed his legs and pulled a pillow onto his lap to rest his elbows on. "Never." He agreed.
I didn't think he'd agree to this next one, but I wanted to try it. "I'd like to be able to hunt for myself."
He didn't answer, but I could tell he was thinking about it.
"Please Jasper, you said you'd let me go, surely you can cope with the idea of me going out to hunt for a while."
"It's not that, it's just that it isn't safe out there. I'll agree that you can hunt for yourself, but only when I'm with you. Our soldiers go out to hunt, and they will attack anything, and anyone that gets in their way. There's also the fact that we get scouts from rival covens passing through from time to time, and they're always happy to pick off anyone they find alone."
That wasn't too bad. As long as I got out of here occasionally I might actually be able to hold it together for long enough to help him.
"Ok, the last thing I want, is to learn to fight. I'd like you to teach me to defend myself, just in case." I didn't tell him that I would be learning to defend myself from him, more than anyone else. Though I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, I also knew that that wouldn't actually stop him from doing it.
He smirked. "I thought I wasn't allowed to touch you in any way? We'd have to get pretty damn close if I were to teach you how to fight."
Shit. I hadn't thought of that. There wasn't really a way around it that I could see either. "Well we'll just have to keep the contact to a minimum until you get over your little crush."
"I don't have a crush on you." He said petulantly.
"No, Jasper, of course you don't." I smiled my most patronising smile, and he scowled.
"I don't. I just want to fuck you." Well that was blunt. "Are you done? I have a few rules of my own."
I had a feeling I wouldn't like his rules, but decided I didn't have much of a choice.
"No leaving the house unaccompanied, it's not safe enough. You don't go down to the pit. Ever. And you don't tell Maria who you really are. She wouldn't understand why I'm keeping you around if she knew you were the Bella from Forks."
Well I'd be leaving on my own if I wanted to, I'd just have to make sure he didn't find out about it. The other two requests were easy to agree to. I hoped I never saw the pit again, and I had no intentions of talking to Maria at all, so I certainly wouldn't let anything slip there. I wondered how much Jasper had told her about what had happened in his life between leaving her so many decades ago and coming back.
"Ok." I said when I realised he was still waiting for an answer. An uneasy truce was formed between us.
"Why are you doing this, Bella? What could possibly motivate you to stay with me?" Jasper sighed, slumping back.
I had no idea how to respond. All I had was the truth. "I want to help you." And everyone you hurt I added silently.
He stared at me incredulously. "Help me what? You want to do what I do? You can't mean you want to work for Maria."
I shuddered at the thought. "No, I want to help you. I want to help you be better. This place is killing you, I can see it in your eyes. I'm hoping I can either make it more bearable or convince you to leave. And I'll keep hoping until we're out of here. I'm very stubborn." I smiled. I didn't want to offend him now by telling him I was going to try to make him less of a heartless bastard too, that might have pushed him too far for tonight, and we'd agreed to stay away from things that might anger him.
He was quiet for a while, and I assumed he was thinking over what I'd said, and the best way to tell me I'd never succeed in my plans. He must not have come up with a very good response as he didn't say anything for almost an hour. I started to get uncomfortable.
"Talk to me."
I jumped a little, his voice seeming loud after the prolonged silence. "What about?"
"You said you had good control, that you could work. How is that? How have you learnt to control yourself?"
I had not expected that. "When I was first changed, I remembered Edward telling me about Carlisle. The way he so desperately tried to resist human blood, and how he eventually turned to animals. I thought that if Carlisle could do it all alone, without help or guidance, so could I. And I did."
"How many times have you slipped?"
"Wow, I love your confidence in me." I snapped. How dare he think that I wasn't capable of controlling myself? "I have never tasted human blood Jasper, not once."
He raised one eyebrow. I knew he didn't believe me. "Tell me about your newborn year then." He said. "You told me you read the note, from Jacob when you woke up. What happened then?"
Sifting through fourteen years of memories, I came to the ones I wanted. The ones I both loved, and hated to remember. It had been a very long time since I'd told this story, and even longer since it had actually happened.
Jasper
Her eyes closed and she lay down on her back, stealing the pillow I'd been leaning on. Her emotions went haywire. She was reluctant to tell me. I was about to threaten her, as I had before, but I remembered she wasn't a prisoner now. I could still threaten her, I could even follow through with the threats, but it would wreck whatever little ground I'd made tonight. And I wanted to keep that, and build on it if possible. I was still having trouble believing she was willing to stay with me at all.
I sat quietly, and waited for her to decide on her own. It took her almost half an hour for her to start talking, and my patience had almost run out.
"After I read the note, I went into the kitchen and cleaned up as well as I could. All the utilities had been turned off, but there was a little water left, just enough to get rid of most of the blood and dirt. When I'd done what I could, I went up to Edward's room. It was empty of everything but the couch, so I sat down and waited."
"For the first day and night, I expected someone to come for me, but they didn't. I didn't think Jacob could possibly have meant that note to be the last thing between us. When no one came after the second day, I started to realize that no one would be coming. I wanted to go home, but then I started to remember everything Edward had told me about the thirst, and then I felt it for the first time. A low burn in my throat. I didn't dare leave the house in case I came across a human and couldn't control myself."
"For the next week, the burn became worse and worse, and I knew I'd have to hunt. I was terrified. It took me seventeen hours to make my way across the yard to the edge of the woods. I was so very cautious; after every step I listened carefully, scented the air and waited. Always afraid I'd attack someone. There was also a problem with the actual hunting. I didn't know how to find prey, or catch them. I wasn't even sure how to drink from them, or if there were any animals that were inedible."
She shuddered and gripped the pillow tightly. I could feel her reliving all these moments as she told me about them. I sent her some calm and she gave me a brief, thankful glance that made me far happier than it should.
"Of course the moment I smelled it, none of that mattered. I didn't even know I'd started running until I'd grabbed the deer, and then my instincts took over, and I drained it. I found more, and glutted myself on them until I was completely sated. I was horrified, and I hated what I'd done, and the monster I'd become. I buried the carcasses and returned to the house, only stopping to wash off in the river."
"Wait, are you saying you went more than a week after the change without hunting?" I was almost sure that it would have been impossible for her to resist for that long.
"Yes." She said quietly. "I didn't know that was unusual at the time, but I talked it over with Garrett once, and he told me about how newborns usually function. I have always had better control than I should, even from the beginning. The desire for blood just doesn't seem to be as strong in me as it is in others. Like Carlisle, I even find it relatively easy to resist freshly spilt blood now."
She shrugged as if this was nothing particularly special, and I let it go, despite the fact that I was amazed by it. Talking with Carlisle had taught me that it took him many decades to have the sort of control Bella was talking about now, and he was something special. If Bella was telling the truth she was truly an anomaly in the world of vampires.
"What happened after that?" I asked eager to hear more of her story.
"I was utterly lost. I didn't know what to do, so I spent the next three days sitting in Edwards's room again, practicing moving slowly. That was when Sam came for the first time. He was the Alpha of the pack, and he came in his wolf form, to check up on me, I suppose. I heard him moving in the woods, and saw him come up to the porch. He had a letter in his mouth and I ran down to meet him."
"I didn't really understand his reluctance to come near me, or why he backed away so fast. And when he ran, I didn't go after him. Part of me was relieved, but he smelled so awful that I knew I wouldn't attack him, so the other part of me was hurt that he'd left. I found the letter by the door."
She was giving off an awful lot of sadness and guilt now, so much so that my attempts to calm her weren't working at all. "You don't have to tell me anymore tonight Bella." I said, despite the fact that I was horribly curious.
She shook her head and took a few steadying breaths, getting her emotions under control without my help.
"The first part of the letter explained that the wolves had faked my death immediately after they'd left me at the house. A motorcycle accident." She laughed harshly. "It was fitting. It also said I should stay out of town to avoid someone I knew seeing me. My funeral had already been held, and Charlie was doing ok. I was so angry with them, they had taken my life away, and there was nothing I could do about it. Later, when I was calmer, I understood why they'd done it, and that it was for the best."
"The next part of the letter told me about the battle. I had been very curious about what I'd missed, and I wanted to know if everyone was ok. All of Victoria's army had been killed, but so had three of the wolves. Including my little Seth."
She choked on her words and curled up in a ball. I wanted so badly to hold her, but her rules prevented me from touching her, so I did what I could with my gift while I tried to work out who Seth was.
She'd mentioned him before, when she'd told me he had come to look after her so Jacob could fight. His death obviously hurt her more than anything else had so far, so I decided it was best not to ask her more about him right now. I could save my questions for later.
I waited patiently for her to collect herself again, and was surprised at how quickly she managed to do it.
"The end of the letter told me that I was being watched, and that the wolves would do their best to keep me from harming humans without hurting me, but that they would dispose of me if it became necessary. Sometimes I was tempted to make it necessary. I didn't want to live."
Her voice was flat now, no expression getting through. I wondered how she had found the strength to carry on when she'd lost everything all at once, and become a monster too.
"I decided, that if I waited long enough, you would all come back, and I could really be a part of the family. Even if Edward still didn't think I was good enough, at least I wouldn't be alone."
"I grieved for the friends that had died, and for the ones that were lost to me even though they lived. I hunted every few days and practiced running and climbing and jumping in the yard. I learnt to act like a human in the house. I wanted to be ready when you came back. I wanted Carlisle to be proud of me."
"He would have been." I offered and was rewarded with another small, sad smile.
"Two weeks from his first visit, Sam arrived again. This time, I didn't try to get close to him, and I waited inside until he'd moved back from the house. He'd left a letter again, this time asking if it was safe for him to speak to me. I wasn't sure, and I told him as much. I didn't know if he would still smell as unappetizing in human form. I asked him to stay well back from me, and to be ready to run."
"I turned my back on him, letting him phase and get dressed. I could actually hear every muscle shrinking and changing as his bones shifted. It was disgusting, and then he called my name. It nearly undid me. I'd almost forgotten what it sounded like to hear a human voice. I turned around slowly, and sat down, anything that would slow me down if I couldn't control myself."
"He still smelled the same, and my senses rebelled against it. My body screamed at me to fight, but I knew in my mind that I didn't need to. It got easier. He sat down across from me, there were only twenty feet between us. He asked me if I was ok, and I hadn't expected him to be kind. I thought he had come to tell me to leave the area. I didn't hold anything back, he listened for hours while I told him how much I hated this, how much I missed everyone. He didn't say a word, until I asked about Jake."
"He was so angry he almost phased. Jake had run away, and he'd broken ranks, Sam had no control over him anymore, but he could still share his mind. He told me Jake wasn't coming back, and how disappointed in him he was. We talked about the wolves that had died fighting, and how the others were coping with the loss. He eased my guilt a little, but nothing will ever erase it completely."
"He told me he knew how hard I was trying, and asked if there was anything he could do to make it easier. All I wanted was for him to do his best to keep any humans from coming too close. He promised he'd do everything in his power, and he promised he'd come back. A week later, I saw him again, he didn't even start out as a wolf. His wife, Emily had sent me a box with some clothes, and shampoo, a hair brush, things Sam wouldn't have thought of. He came right into the house and turned the water back on, and he stayed to talk to me again."
"He told me Emily wanted to see me, and asked if I was willing to allow her to come. I said no. He didn't know how strong the pull for blood was, and at that point, I'd never caught the scent of a normal human. I didn't know how I would react, so I refused. Sam was thankful that I'd been honest with him, I think that was when he started to trust me. Emily and I started writing letters to keep in touch." She giggled, feeling nostalgic, and I didn't have to wonder why for long.
"Sam brought me paper and pens, I crushed three pens to dust before he took over and wrote for me. He understood what it was like to be unable to control my strength, even though he was never anywhere near as strong as me. It was nice to have him around, I looked forward to his visits every week. At first he was obviously only there to check I was behaving, or because Emily wanted me to have someone to talk to, but after a while, he was just a friend. He told me about problems with the pack, even asked me for advice. I felt like a person again, instead of simply monster to be watched warily."
I could tell from her feelings that Emily, and especially Sam, had meant a lot to her, and that she still missed them. It was hard to imagine a newborn vampire and werewolf sitting side by side discussing their problems. It was almost laughable.
"Jacob was still refusing to come home, but Sam kept me informed of his whereabouts and how he was doing. He checked on Charlie for me too. He was sad, but doing ok, he and a woman from the Rez were helping each other with their grief. She had lost a child too."
She sighed quietly and struggled with her emotions again for a while. I had only glimpsed the pain inside her, and I knew there was far, far more buried deep where I couldn't reach it. It made me wonder again how she had found the will to carry on.
"Until I was two months old, I spent most of my time trying not to think. It was easier that way. I looked forward to Sam's visits, as they were only good thing I had left. And I coped as well as I could with what I was. Things were going well."
"Then one day Embry ran out of the woods, he was another member of the pack. I could tell he was afraid of me, but still, he came to me, as a human, because Sam had ordered him to. He told me that there were three Vampires in the area, heading towards me. Sam wanted to know what I wanted him to do. I had hoped it was you, and asked the wolves to back off and allow me to deal with it. Sam trusted my judgment, and told Embry to do as I asked, so as soon as I told him what I wanted, he left."
"Five minutes later, they came out of the trees, gliding across the ground with more inhuman grace than I'd ever seen. The one in the lead was a young girl, she only looked about fourteen, and she wore a cloak which was almost black. The men to either side of her were huge and dark with pale olive skin, their cloaks were lighter. All of their eyes were red."
Why had they been there? What had they done? And most strangely, why was Bella still alive? They should have killed her as soon as they realized she was a newborn living alone. They never let newborns live unless they were being carefully controlled by someone.
"The Volturi." I whispered. It was a name that invoked terror and awe for us, one recognized and feared by all vampires.
Amazingly, Bella smiled.
An: So what do you think? I'd especially like to know what you think about Bella's decision to stay. Please review...
