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Am I wrong to love an older man?

I never really believed in love before after seeing the way relationships are approached in my family. The older sister with a new boyfriend every other month or my parents who met during an omiai. How am I supposed to know what it was like to fall in love? My feelings for Miyagi did not simply happen. It started out as curiosity for the man sitting alone in the library, always smiling as he read the same books. Somehow my trips to the library focused mainly on seeing his smiling face. I wished I could talk to him but never had the courage. So imagine my surprise as he was the same man to rescue me from muggers.

It had to have been fate.

Of course, fate had to be cruel as the same time I realized my feelings I found him betrothed to my sister. How could I cope? Even after running to Australia I still could not get Miyagi out of my head. He was all I wanted. I wished, prayed, that I could see some sign that my love is not a waste.

And then I got word that the two divorced. It had to be the sign I needed. I was going to get Miyagi. Make him responsible for the feelings he gave me, whether they were unintentional or not.

He keeps calling me a brat which I hate. I already accepted that he was way older than me so why can he not accept my age. And he should not worry about my family; my father always said he wished Miyagi was still his son-in-law so this would be perfect.

Miyagi was being stupid.

As I made my way up to his apartment I could not help but think about yesterday. Stupid old man. I may be lying about being experienced but it is not like he had to take it that far.

"I'm home." I called out.

"Welcome back." I heard shuffling and entered to see him putting something in the coffee table drawers. "How was school?"

"Fine." I went to sit down when I noticed something on the ground. I picked it up to see a photo of a younger version of Miyagi and a woman in a wheelchair. "What is-." The photo was quickly snatched out of my hand by him. "Who is that?"

"None of your business." His face was neutral but it just ticked me off even more. Why does he have a photo of another woman with him? Do not tell me he has feelings for her? "Who is she?"

"As I said none of your business."

He is making me mad. "Miyagi. I demand to know who that person is."

His neutral face disappeared as he glared. "Oi brat, who are you to go order me around? I am not obligated to tell you anything."

"I love you." That got him to shut up. "Is not it normal to want to know who the person you love talks to? Is she someone you dated?"

"Shut up." Excuse me? "I am tired of a brat like you interrupting my life."

"Then fall in love with me. All I want is you."

"All you want is me?" I did not like the way he said that. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yes." Without warning he grabbed my arm quite roughly and threw me on to his bed, ignoring my protests. "What the hell are you doing?"

"You said you wanted me. And thanks to you I am even more frustrated." Wait. Don't tell me… "You're experienced. Prove your love in bed then." HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX?!

No, no, no, no Shinobu. This is what you wanted. Miyagi was young in that photo so woman must not be around anymore. This is your chance to prove yourself.

But how do you start?

"Ye…yeah." Well I am not an idiot so clothes must come off. I reached for the buttons on his shirt. Damnit fingers hold still!

"Too slow." He pushed me back down, undoing the top two buttons on my shirt and moved down to unzip my skirt. He's going to do the same thing as last time. I let out a cry as he touched me down there. I still remember his touch from last time. "Come on miss experienced." He taunted me.

I love him but right now he was scaring me. Why cannot he be more gentle? Why does he have to do this? Is it so hard for him to love me? It is destiny right?

Too soon his hands left and he sat up. "I knew you could not do it." He moved to leave.

"MIYAGI!" I grabbed his shirt. "I can do this."

"You are crying." Now that he mentioned it I could feel them sliding down my cheeks. "This is over."

"Asshole!" I could not think of anything else to do but to run. This was humiliating. Why does he have to be such a jerk?

Why do I have to be in love with him?


MIYAGI

"Risako?" I froze as I saw my ex-wife outside my apartment.

"Oh You. Perfect timing. I was just about to call you." She put the phone back in her purse. "I think I left some of my stuff here still."

"Ah yes, there should be a small box upstairs." We walked in awkward silence up and when we went inside my apartment I pointed to the closet before sitting down on the sofa to read the newspaper.

"Still looks the same." I heard her mumble.

"I do not feel like redecorating." It was a hassle and I liked the way it looked.

She went silent for a moment. "You know, I really did try to make an effort in our relationship."

Why would she talk about this now? "Last I recall you were the one you had an affair." She had no right to bring up our failed relationship now.

"You're right. Just…you were always closed off. I never knew what your true feelings were. But, those feelings were never there for me, right?" I looked up at her. "I will take my leave. Tell Shinobu that I will talk to her later tomorrow." She left then, pretty awful since she left me with a sour thought. Feelings not for her? That is true. I tried to love Risako but I just could not.

I took out my bag to take my one photo. It has been a long time; all I have now is this one photograph.

I love you.

Shinobu. She seems like a nice girl even with her flaws. She has a good heart and should not be wasting it on someone like me. I am a lost cause with love. It left the day she died.

How can I get you, Shinobu, to make the right choice and move on from me?