NerdyMe12: Thank you! Yeah, being a dancer myself I get a lot of weird looks when I talk because nobody understands what I mean when I say stuff like 'a la quatrièmedevront' so I've kind of learned to tone it down for the non-dancer crowd.
.60: I sure am! I'm studying ballet and business at uni in order to open my own studio one day! Lizzie could definitely stand to be more confident in herself, but of course even Jane Austen reminded us that Lizzie was the runner up in her family, Jane being the pretty amiable one and all. Hopefully Lizzie will find her time to shine!
Hongkongphooey63: Thank you! Ever since Uni started up again, I haven't been as good at updating…
EvelynRo: No problem! Caroline as Paris is my favourite! Awkward casting is the best.
Chyannss: Right? I personally love poking fun at the Lizzie/Darcy/Charles triangle. It's just so cute! But Darce-inator definitely has it bad.
ReadLoverNumber1: Thank you and welcome! Here at T&T we aim to be as hilarious as possible!
EngLitLover: I bet Lizzie's about as confused about Darcy's feelings as he is, huh? And yeah, I can get behind that. Collins, in my opinion, has always been a ridiculous character and I just kind of emphasized that.
Avanell: You did! I read your review and was like 'Someone's gonna be happy :D '
RocketGurl92: Thank you and welcome! Sorry I didn't update as soon as you were hoping! Uni's been rough…
Charles didn't take as long as we had expected. Apparently he's a fast learner. I guess having a sister and best friend in the ballet world helps.
Anyway, I pulled on a pair of grey sweatpants over my tights, and a loose sweater over my leo, getting ready to leave the studio. As I did my phone rang.
Oh, Lord. Prepare the bomb shelters! Mama Bennet's calling.
"Jane, stay close." I called, and she looked at me questioningly from where she was talking with Charles. "Mama Bennet's on the line."
"Perhaps you'd like to answer the phone?" Darcy asked, raising a brow as Tchaikovsky continued to fill the air.
I'm a ballerina. I like Tchaikovsky. Sue me.
"Mama?" I asked, reluctantly picking up.
"Why, Elizabeth, How fortunate I feel to be graced by the sound of your voice after three weeks." My mum passive-aggressively spewed.
"Mama" I groaned.
"Are you dead?"
"MAMA."
"Are you in a coma?"
"MAAAAMA"
"Are you in the hospital?"
"Well, Lydia did get alcohol poisoning. Again." I shrugged.
"Oh my goodness, that dear girl! Is she alright?"
"Eh, it's like the sixth time it's happened. This month. She'll be fine."
You really think she'd learn her limit. Or that she'd get imprisoned for underage drinking.
She must have a great lawyer.
"Then I don't see why you haven't come home for the past three weeks!"
"Maybe because I have a job? And I go to school? And have ballet classes? And I don't live at home anymore?"
"Speaking of ballet, were you ever going to tell me that you had dinner with William Darcy?"
What the-
"Do you have cameras set up to spy on me?" I exchanged a worried look with Jane. That's exactly something mum would do.
"Yes. It's called the paparazzi. There's a picture of you, William, Jane, and another man in one of those ballet magazines you have a subscription to. Why didn't you tell me? He's so handsome, and rich, and famous, and most importantly… single!"
"Yeah, and a huge jerk." I rolled my eyes. "We don't like him anymore, mama."
"People can be forgiven for their personalities, Elizabeth! Just think, if you marry him then you'll be set for life! This is the moment you've been waiting for your entire life!"
"Yeah, and he called me fat."
Silence.
"Mama?"
"We don't like him anymore."
OH MY GOD! If I knew it was THAT easy to derail Hurricane Mum, I'd of started saying that YEARS ago.
"Though, to be fair you could lose a few pounds. Really, if only you were as pretty as Jane. He'd have never said anything if you were prettier."
"Oh my God, mum! I'm not fat! And I'm pretty, just the way I am! Did you just call me to tell me how ugly and fat I am?" I groaned. That drew Jane and Charlie's attention. Caroline just snickered, and Darcy just kinda stared at me. Charlie took the phone from me.
"Charlie, wait, i-
"Ms. Bennet, this is Charles Bingley. I just wanted to inform you that Elizabeth is beautiful and weighs a perfect amount for a woman her size. Why, just the other day this weird little man proposed to her-"
"CHARLIE NO!" Jane and I yelled, but it was too late. My mother's shriek could be heard through the phone and he gave it back to me with a wince, mouthing 'I'm so sorry!'
"MAMA, I SAID NO!" I yelled over her.
Silence.
Kinda terrifying silence.
"WHY." She demanded.
"Because it was ol' Billy Collins! The guy who stalked me so bad that Jane and I moved last year? The guy who cornered me in an alley on my seventeenth birthday? The guy who pushes his boundaries literally every day, whose nose I've broken nine times, who's groped me so many times I could file a harassment suit against him? I would never marry him!"
"Elizabeth Bennet, do you realize you've just thrown away your only hope of marriage?" Mama asked, deadly serious.
"Oh my God, Ma! He's not my only hope of marriage. I'm only 23! Besides, this is the twenty-first century! I can be single for the rest of my life if I want. I have a job, I can support myself. I'm fine!"
"ELIZABETH BENNET, THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!" My mother screamed, and I held the phone away from me, wincing.
"No, Ma, pretty sure it's not." I groaned. Jane grabbed the phone from my hand.
"I'm dating Charles Bingley!" She quickly yelled into the phone, and my jaw dropped.
Oh My GOD.
Jane just fell on the sword in order to save me. That's true sibling love right there.
"EEEEEE! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Mama shrieked so loud that the rest of us could hear.
"I'm so sorry, Charlie" I groaned.
"I'm sure your mother's a wonderful person." Charlie shrugged, and both Darcy and I raised an eyebrow.
Oy! Darce! Put that eyebrow back down! Only I'm allowed to question my family!
"My own mother just called me fat and ugly. You were there for that part of the conversation." I rolled my eyes. Caroline looked up from where she was filing her nails.
"Well, if the shoe fits." She shrugged.
"CAROLINE!" Charlie yelled, and she smiled sweetly at him.
God, what's that girl's problem with me?
"Lizzie? We're having dinner with Mama tonight. Kitty and Lydia are invited." Jane told me, handing me back my phone.
"And?"
"Charlie and William." Jane sighed, and I groaned.
"I'm so sorry guys. You could make up an excuse."
"Oh no, this'll be fun! I'd love to meet Jane's family." Charlie declared, making go-go eyes at Jane.
"They're Lizzie's family too." Jane reminded him.
"Yes, but I'm not dating Lizzie, am I?" Charlie replied, attack hugging her and snuggling her neck.
Gross. Cuteness overload. Time to go home.
By the time the four of us showed up at Mum's, Kitty and Lydia were already there.
Mum basically adopted Kitty and Lydia the first time she met them. She's obsessed with marrying off her daughters, Kitty and Lydia are boy crazy…
Sometimes I wonder if they should have been Mama's real daughters.
"JANE!" Mama squealed, hugging her eldest daughter. "You look so lovely! Being in a relationship is working wonders on your complexion; you're positively glowing! Oh, I'm so proud to have you as a daughter! I've missed you so much!"
"Mama, Lizzie's here too." Jane reminded politely, and mum looked at me.
"God, Lizzie, you're positively enormous. What are you now, 115 pounds? And put on some makeup for God's sake, no one wants to see your natural face. You're not pretty enough for that."
"Great to see you too, Ma." I rolled my eyes sarcastically, and Charlie put his hand on my shoulder, shooting me a sympathetic look.
"You know," he began. "Lizzie got the lead role in our upcoming show."
"And Meryton U's nominated her to present at an upcoming Kinesiology research conference!" Jane added brightly.
"And she's started teaching the younger students in Lady de Bourg's classes." Charles spoke up.
"Oh, you must be Charles! So wonderful to meet you! I've heard such lovely things about you! Is it true that you fund the girls' studio and can still afford your own mansion?"
"But- Lizzie"
"Don't worry about it Charlie. Mama's never liked me, not since I lost the Junior Miss Meryton pageant at five years old. I gave a very scathing political commentary, you see."
"At five years old?" Darcy whispered to his friend.
"Lizzie's always been her father's daughter. He probably told her what to say, just to wear on my poor nerves." Mama sighed.
It's true.
"Oh my god, get in here you losers! I'm hungry!" Lydia yelled.
"Papa!" I cried, hugging my father.
Papa's always been somewhat of a lifeboat amidst the crazy sea of my mother. He's always more than content to discuss philosophy with me in his study, saving me from mama's madness. As I've grown, though, I've learned to find fault in him as all children do. Papa can be cruel to Mama, and is amused that she doesn't understand him. He rarely makes the effort to connect with Jane, or with Kitty and Lydia, as often as they are here. He's emotionally unattached, and basically leaves us to discipline ourselves.
It isn't a wonder that Jane and I moved out as soon as we could.
Don't mistake all this for complaining, though. Do I wish Mama hadn't met Kitty and Lydia and decided to take them under her wing? Sometimes. Do I resent the fact that Mama constantly picks on me? Of course. Do I wish Papa had taken a more proactive role in our parenting? Definitely. But my family is mine, however broken and awkward it is, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
We all sat down, and mama walked around the table, serving us portions of roast chicken. She very obviously put the smallest amount possible on my plate before moving on. I sighed, and Jane leaned over to me.
"Don't worry. I'll share." She whispered, and Lydia giggled.
"You totes shouldn't, Jane! Can't you tell Mama B's putting Lizzie on a diet?"
"Lydia!" I cried, angrily. "You don't even live here. Go home!"
"As if. My mum's making meatloaf for dinner." She shuddered. "Lame."
"So Lizzie, do you have a boyfriend?" Mama asked, and I sighed.
"No Mama, but as Jane pointed out I've been invited to speak at the Kineseology research conference they're holding in London." I acquiesced.
"We all know the last guy that was in Lizzie's bed was just trying to get Jane's phone number." Lydia rolled her eyes.
"And you didn't even give it to him!" Mama wailed. "I thought I raised you better than that!"
"I thought you'd care for the feelings of your second born." I muttered under my breath. "I really liked that guy, and you're still getting on to me about this?"
"He and Jane could have been married by now!" Mama keened, and I sighed.
"And do you really want the story of how your eldest daughter met her husband to be 'he got her phone number after sleeping with her little sister?' I'm glad I kicked his sorry ass out, and besides, if Jane had married that loser she'd never have met Charlie. Who we like. And don't want to screw this up for. So let's quit with the Lizzie Inquisition before he gets the wrong impression about our family." I lectured.
"So, Mr. Bingley, how long are you going to be in town?" Mama changed the subject, and I sighed. That question was safe enough, at least.
"Well, I'm not really sure. My sister and I have both been recruited to dance for Longbourn for the Rosings show."
"Oh, you're a dancer! Are you a rich and famous one like Mr. Darcy here?"
"No, actually. I just was volunteered to fill the spot since Longbourn is lacking for male dancers."
"But you are rich, right?" Mama asked desperately.
"MAMA!" I groaned.
"Um, yes, I am. I earned my money in the business sector, rather than the entertainment sector."
"Of course, we don't keep up with the business sector much in our house, what with two daughters in the entertainment industry."
"Obviously not." Papa declared through the paper "or you wouldn't have run us into crippling debt."
"Oh, Mr. Bennet! You promised you wouldn't speak of that in front of our guests!" Mama shrieked, and for once I had to agree with her. Curiosity, however, won out.
"What do you mean, Papa? We're in debt?" I asked, worriedly.
"Let's just say that your mother has spent your entire college fund on her latest liposuction." Papa frowned, then retreated behind his newspaper again.
"Wait-"
"Lizzie, I don't think this is appropriate conversation with guests." Jane stated quickly, and I nodded. Mama, however, didn't take the not-so-subtle hint.
"But now we're saved! Janie has gone and done her duty and found a rich, handsome man to take care of her, and surely he'll have pity on her poor family. When are you getting married?"
You could hear a pin drop in the room. Charles was frozen in shock, Jane with embarrassment, and Darcy just looked angry. Papa just turned a page in his newspaper. It was up to me to do something.
"Mama, that was completely inappropriate." I declared, standing up and pulling Jane to her feet. "Charlie is a really nice guy, and he doesn't owe us anything. You've gone too far this time. We're leaving. Come on Jane, Charlie… Darcy."
And with that, I walked out the door, the others following.
