Age
AN: yay~! The fifth day of Laven week~! :D :D
Happy birthday Lavi!
Just an interesting side note before we start... :) I wrote the first draft of this little fan fiction the day before my OWN birthday... ^^''
Anyway~
Theme; Happy Birthday
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The day before Lavi's twentieth birthday found the young man in the order library, sitting in a plush chair with a forgotten book open in his lap as he stared out the window at the trees surrounding the tower. Normally, the day before Lavi's birthday was a day he looked forward too, a day he ran around with a massive smile, excited over the prospect of turning another year older, to have the spotlight on him. Even before he had joined the order it had been that way. The only day Lavi had ever remembered being able to acknowledge his existence, his humanity, was his birthday, so the day before was always full of excited anticipation. It was the day Bookman would pat him on the head, give him a small gift that would come in handy during their travels and allow him to choose a small treat from the nearest shop.
It was never anything near the extravagant parties the order threw for him every year, with a massive cake and music and being surrounded by friends who were all smiling and having a good time with him, celebrating with him. But somehow those memories of being a young child, pulling on the elderly man's coat excitedly as he saw the sweet he wanted or laughing in delight as he received a journal or an eagle feather quill were more precious to him than almost any others. Anything the Bookman ever did for him was worth a thousand times more than almost anything anyone could ever do for him. Expressing any sort of affection was against the clan rules, but the Bookman gave him just one day of the year to feel alive, to feel human. To feel his heart beating in his chest and cherish every second of it.
But this birthday was different.
The twentieth birthday of any Bookman apprentice was the make or break day. The day they officially came of age according to clan law. The day they had to choose whether or not he would continue down the path he was on and become Bookman someday or if he would pull away from all he knew, and follow another path. It was Lavi's last chance to change his mind before being bound for life to the title of "Bookman". It was the day Lavi had been dreading since his nineteenth birthday.
Lavi had been thinking hard on what the answer to the Bookman's question would be since just after dinner the night before. Sleep had been impossible for his troubled mind, no matter what he tried. So, Lavi had left his room and walked to the library, hoping to escape the inner turmoil coiling around in the recesses of his mind. He had been trained to go for days on end without sleep if he needed to, so one sleepless night wasn't truly that big of an issue but the topic that wouldn't let him rest was. Lavi honestly didn't understand was why he was so damn conflicted. He had always assumed that he would say yes to his mentor, to tell him he wanted to take his place someday, but the idea of going down a different path had tempted him. He had found friendship, he had found love, he had found everything anyone could ever want within the walls of the black order and he didn't want to leave. He didn't want to leave the persona 'Lavi' behind.
He didn't want to abandon any of the people he had come to hold so close. That included the order, and everyone in it but at the same time, that included the man who raised him. Lavi owed his life to the Bookman and he had been made aware of the fact long ago, while he was still in the secret base of the clan; going through the trials of his clan to even be considered for training under one of the many Bookmen. At first, as a young child, Lavi hadn't even thought he would be allowed to be taken under the guiding wing of a Bookman, he was smaller than the other children, younger, more vulnerable and naive. Yet somehow his mind prevailed over theirs and he was given the title of apprentice. If he had failed those trials he probably never would have seen the world outside of that secret cavern. If the Bookman he had come to call Ji-ji hadn't seen the potential his gaze held, Lavi would have become nothing more than a rat to the clan heads.
But that didn't happen. He'd won what he had always thought would be the hardest series of tests and trials he would ever face. And yet there he was again. Faced with a choice he didn't want to make and the time to sink or swim because of his own decision at hand. It terrified him to think that the thing he had worked so hard for, sacrificed everything for, was no longer what he wanted. It was no longer his purpose in life to be a Bookman. And looking back on the past two years, Lavi realised it hadn't been his purpose for a long time.
He supposed falling in love was the reason being a Bookman wasn't the thing he wanted most anymore. The moment he walked into the German hospital room with the orders to keep a special watch on one Allen Walker his fate hade been sealed. The moment that boy smiled at him and made the heart in his chest skip a beat, he subconsciously gave up the dream of being a Bookman. The second he kissed those perfect lips, breathed in his scent after they made love in his bed, played with his hair as he slept, held him as he cried for fallen comrades, and was held by him in the midst of pain, locked into place what Lavi had never thought would happen. He didn't want to be Bookman. He wanted to feel, he wanted to laugh because he was happy, cry because he was in pain, feel his heart beating in his chest like every other person on the planet for just more than just one day of the year.
He wanted Allen.
Lavi sighed deeply, running his fingers through his tangled hair as he closed his book and tossed it onto the table beside him. It was nearly seven in the morning and he would be expected to make his appearance soon, expected to bounce into the cafeteria and grin like a loon, to act as if nothing was wrong.
"...Fuck." he muttered to himself, annoyed at the world along with everything and almost everyone in it. He didn't want to have to make earth shattering decisions, he didn't want to alter the course of his life with just a few words. He wanted to crawl into his bed, pull the blankets and pillow over his head and sleep until his birthday was done and over with so he wouldn't have to deal with anything. Either that, or run far, far away where no one had ever heard of the Black Order, the Bookmen or anything. He wondered if he kept quiet about it, would everyone forget it was his birthday in less than twenty-four hours.
"Lavi?" one emerald green eye snapped open at the sound of a familiar voice and Lavi turned his head to see his lover standing there with a confused look on his once boyish face. Time had done a lot to Allen, broadened his shoulders, put some hair on his face and chest. He had even grown several inches suddenly, that growth spurt he had always been insisting he would have one day Lavi supposed, and they were eye to eye when they both stood full height. Allen still had the gentle face that Lavi had fallen in love with, but that was slowly melting into the stronger, more rugged look that characterized men, he hadn't finished growing up yet. He wasn't quite a man yet, but Lavi could tell he was well on his way.
"Oh hey, Allen..." the redhead gave a weak smile and internally winced as white eyebrows came together in worry.
"What's the matter?" the younger man crossed his arms, the sleeves ridding up on his wrists just a little too much, signifying another round of grumbling for Allen when he realised he has to spend money on clothes again. It usually amused Lavi to hear his lover complain about money, considering he was still paying off his master's debts, but Lavi was not in the mood.
"Nothing."
Allen snorted, leaning against the table where Lavi's book lay forgotten. One of his silver eyebrows raising in disbelief, "Of course not. What's wrong?"
"I just said there is nothing wrong Allen..." Lavi didn't know how to put the anxiety he was feeling into words. He had been trained to put memories onto paper, explain every detail, but when it came to emotion, what he was feeling it was like he was in a dark cave without a match.
"Uh huh. Sure. What's wrong?" Normally Allen wasn't so pushy when it came to getting information out of Lavi, but he had some kind of sixth sense when it came to emotional things that were bothering his redheaded lover.
"... its my birthday tomorrow..." Allen looked interested but he waited patiently for Lavi to find the right words, "Its not like my other birthdays... I have to make a big decision, you know, Bookman wise... and I'm scared shitless." Allen blinked, his face becoming worried as he moved closer to Lavi.
"What kind of big decision?" the concern in Allen's voice made Lavi sigh, and he turned his blind side to Allen purposely, looking out the window in thought. He wasn't sure if he should tell Allen. He knew it was allowed, but Lavi didn't want to hurt Allen with the knowledge that Lavi was conflicted about whether or not he would leave Allen some day. "Well?"
"I... I have to choose... whether or not I go through with... becoming Bookman someday." There was a long silence as Lavi kept his gaze away from Allen, fearing the reaction his lover would have.
"Well you're going to say yes aren't you? Why is that bothering you?" Lavi jolted slightly in surprise, turning to look at Allen in confusion. The redhead had explained to Allen exactly what being a Bookman entailed at the beginning of their relationship, so the younger man knew exactly what Lavi meant. But there was no betrayal on his face, there was no anger or hurt or any of the things Lavi was expecting.
That's when Lavi realised that Allen had thought about this before, he had already come to terms to the fact that Lavi was in fact going to leave him heart broken and alone one day. He had prepared for it and wasn't going to try and force Lavi to stay. There was nothing but acceptance in those beautiful silver eyes, ones that were too old for the man that wore them.
"... Aren't you... upset... over that?" Lavi asked carefully, afraid to invoke any negative emotion in his lover, but unable to make his choice without the knowledge.
"Yes and no. Of course I want you to be with me, but... being a Bookman is important to you, just like being an exorcist is important to me. I... I want you to be happy, and if that means I'm not in your life, I can live with that. Being a Bookman is just as much apart of you as being an Exorcist is part of me. I don't know if I could give it up for you so I could never expect you to give up being a Bookman for me." Allen paused, wetting his lips as he looked up at the library ceiling for a moment in thought before returning his gaze to Lavi's face, "Whatever happens, I love you, Lavi, that's not going to change. So say yes if that's what you want. Don't worry so much about me. I'm a big kid now. I can take care of myself. I'm not going to say it wont hurt me when you go, Lavi, but I will keep walking, because I know that's what you would want for me to do."
The way Allen smiled as he said that damn near broke Lavi's heart. An eighteen year old boy had no right to be so mature, he shouldn't have to think like that, be alright with living in pain. A million things ran through Lavi's mind at once as Allen kept that powerful gaze on him. For a long moment he was overwhelmed by everything, the choice he had such a short amount of time to make, Allen's words to him, the lack of sleep, his own inner conflict, everything. his hands shook as he looked away from the man he had fallen in love with, running his fingers through the knots in his hair again, barely feeling the pull. Allen didn't say anything more, he didn't have to. He knew he had made his point and that Lavi had to make his own choices now.
After a long pause, Lavi stood and walked over to Allen. He placed both hands on the younger man's shoulder as his emerald green eye stared searchingly into Allen's deep silver, so aged by war and everything they had lost along th way. "Allen..." there was so much conflict in his gaze Allen sighed, smiling as his left hand came up to rest against Lavi's cheek lovingly.
"Do what you want, Lavi. Please. I want you to be happy."
"... you're too damn selfless, Allen..." Lavi mumbled, pulling the white haired boy into his arms and holding him close, breathing in his scent, "I don't care about being a Bookman anymore. I don't want to be one. Nothing else matters but you, me and the order to me anymore." Lavi pulled back and looked into Allen's eyes again, smiling as best he could through the forming tears.
"Lavi, you don't have to do that for me..." The younger man was silenced with a brief kiss for his lover as Lavi's arms tightened around him.
"There you going being selfless again. Let me make my choices. I want to do this for you so just let it happen, okay?" there was a long pause as Allen looked up at Lavi with a conflicted expression before he nodded slowly, almost like he couldn't quite believe that the man he loved was giving up something so big for him.
"I don't want you to have any regrets, Lavi." Lavi smiled, brushing the fine silver strands out of Allen's eyes affectionately.
"If its with you, for you, or to help you, I will never regret it Allen. I promise. Now... lets go get some breakfast, yeah?" Allen hesitated, knowing Lavi's words were genuine, but not wanting to hold someone he cared so deeply for back in any way. Finally he smiled, making Lavi's heart skip a beat, just like the first time he say that beautiful, perfect smile.
"Yeah, lets go." Allen stepped back, that smile still on his face as he held out his hand for Lavi to take. Lavi smiled back, his eyes still feeling a little hot as he took it, terrified yet at the same time ready to take on the future with the one he loved.
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END
AN: well that's all folks~! Hope you enjoyed this instalment of my Laven Week series! See you tomorrow!
