Everyone says
I'm just like you dad.
Each time I hear,
I puff up with pride.
It gives me strength
and makes you feel near.
The man I never knew
cause too young, you died.
Then I saw
the things you did.
My stomach twists
and ties in knots.
You're the bully
I've always faced.
Cruel without reason,
a show-off for cheap laughs.
Now at your mention
I can't help but feel
so ashamed.
Author's Note:
In response to a couple of the reviews I've received. "He had no desire at all to return to Gryffindor Tower so early, nor to tell Ron and Hermione what he had just seen. What was making Harry feel so horrified and unhappy was not being shouted at or having jars thrown at him- it was that he knew how it felt to be humiliated in the middle of a circle of onlookers, knew exactly how Snape had felt as his father had taunted him, and that judging from what he had just seen, his father had been every bit as arrogant as Snape had always told him." -Excerpt from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Before this point, everything he's heard about his dad has been praise. He had, consciously or not, but his dad on a pedestal. The only negative things he's ever heard about his dad have come from Snape who always seemed like an unreliable source of information on the topic when compared to what everyone else always told him. But now, Harry sees that Snape is justified in his hatred of James. He can't brush off all those negative things Snape has to him about his dad anymore because he SAW it. Yes, I very much think Harry was ashamed of his father. He just had his world view of his dad go through a major upheaval. Especially since Harry's been on the otherwise of bullying quite a bit. This is the first thing that puts "chinks in James armor" so to speak. It makes him more human. I think he definitely comes to terms with it, and loves his dad regardless. But seeing James as a dumb kid who liked to show off and bully Snape, while hard for him to deal with initially, ultimately helps Harry because it shows him that his parents weren't perfect, they were human, they did stupid (and in this case, cruel) things, but they grew up. He was "horrified" and "unhappy" about what he saw. And he had no desire to tell his closest friends what he saw, maybe partially for Snape's sake, but I think it's also because of feeling shame over what his father did- he wants to hide it. He spends a good portion of the following chapter stewing on it feeling miserable. (It's a long passage, and I don't feel like typing it on my phone .) He grasps at attempts to come up with justifications so he can not think poorly about his dad and Sirius, but keeps coming up empty. Since he's idolized his father for so long he struggles internally between wanting to not be ashamed and wanting to hold onto that pride he had in his dad. He only started coming to terms with his feels on the matter after talking to Remus & Sirius and them pointing out that they were dumb 15 year olds at the time and what they had been doing was wrong, that they grew up.
