She could have gone to where she knew no one. She could have gone someplace unfamiliar, but that's not what happened in her haste and haze. She found herself landing on the top of a power line poll from memories much more familiar than those more recent. She stood there towards the outside of the city looking in. She was mesmerized by the moving light, not really looking at them but letting them blur across her dilated pupils. Her mind fell blank. Here she could be hidden and she didn't need the darkness to stay that way. But in a way, she wanted to be found. So that her heart could beat again, so that she could think again, so that the breeze, the chill, the air wouldn't make her feel dead. There was a difference between being dead and feeling dead.

She noticed without really taking note and she let her feet follow her senses. She didn't run, she walked slowly so that he would have plenty of time to sense her approach and turned away if he wished to refuse their meeting. She stopped a good five meters away from him. Close enough to see each other and carry on a conversation, but enough distance so that if anyone were to happened upon them, no one would assume they were there to sin. Ichigo wouldn't look at her. He was sitting on the forest floor against a cedar, a hand in his hair.

"You look depressed." Maybe she still wasn't thinking, maybe she wasn't awake. He didn't say anything back to her. She slowly took to sitting as well and turned so that she was facing the same direction as he was, not at each other. "If you're here too, then maybe something happened. We'll have to figure out what's happening so we can resolve this—"

"Rukia, stop talking," Ichigo cut off anything else Rukia might have said.

All she had been doing was evaluating their situation. Or half evaluating, saying things out loud numbly. She was certainly awake for him now. She stood and glared hard. He still wouldn't look at her so she made sure to communicate her look in her voice. "No! Why would I listen to someone who doesn't listen to me?"

"Stop it, Rukia!" he said a breath after she finished. "How much do you remember right now?!"

She didn't answer back, just continuing glaring.

"Maybe you should wait until you've thought about it before you say anything else."

The way he was talking to her stung a bit. It wasn't that she had said anything wrong. Was he mad that she had shown up? "Why are you angry?" That wasn't said without thought, Ichigo wouldn't be able to yell at her for it.

"Well, why did you could here? You're confused, right? You left like I did, so shouldn't you get it already?"

"Maybe I would get it if you'd look at me," she crossed arms waiting. There was silence for a while.

"No," he said firmly.

Her anger was reaching a threshold. She thought she might cross the self-imposed distance between them in order to either kick him or give him an earful, if not both. He probably look at her then. But Ichigo sighed in a way that spoke despair to her.

"Please… if you understood, then…" he trailed. "Just try to remember as much as you can first." It was a request.

She didn't know what was in her way, but she didn't want to remember anything she didn't already. He had changed his tone to speak softly to her. It gave her the sense that she was needed even if she would rather resist. She decided to sit. They still had hours before the sun would shine in their faces. If something came back to her before then, she'd let it. Either way, she could confront him again at daylight.


The rays of light were quiet and meek. She was tired and the house was chilled, yet still she sat at the kitchen table in her night shorts and a tank top leaning her forehead against laced fingers. So many things that were warm now seemed fake. Things that she had accepted she now questioned. She was confused and it wasn't fair.

She remembered a lot of things that she hadn't thought about in years. Things like wanting to be stronger, wanting to be as good as she could be at the things that she could do that no one else could. She remembered why she wanted those things too. And then, she remembered why she didn't need to feel those things anymore. It wasn't that she stopped trying hard to after it was all over, but she had different motivations. And she didn't remember how it all came to an end. How did things get so peaceful, so calm, so warm?

But something was definitely off. And she knew it because she knew the man she loves. What was wrong had to do with him. He was off. She wanted to cry. How could Ichigo have been fine without something to fight for and protect for so long? Sure he protected her in a sense to this day, but not the same way as before. What was he doing? Did he really want to work at his family's clinic forever? Was he satisfied with that? Why hadn't she thought about this before? There was something wrong. Ichigo hadn't gone to college even though he had the grades for it. He could have gotten into a good college and done something else. Instead he worked as his father's apprentice for years. Why had it never occurred to her to ask him?

If she didn't know Ichigo as well as she did, all of this would seem fine and there would be no reason for her to suspect that something was out of place. The things is, she knows his heart. Even if he says nothing, she knows.

She felt inadequate. She felt like she had somehow betrayed him for not noticing. She was upset with herself beyond reason. It was her job to know, to have and to hold. She wiped at the tears that were forming but had yet to fall. She knew that she shouldn't be so hard on herself right now. She should find Ichigo and ask him all that she needed to know. He would tell her, she was sure of it. That's what they did, that's how they had started, by telling each other even the painful things. But wait, if Ichigo had been holding this in all this time, had he told her everything? Was this—

"Mommy."

Big brown eyes turned to the small creature walking towards her from the hallway. She was shocked.

"…Kazui." Had she forgotten?

"Why do I exist?"

She was even more shocked. Had he ever asked such a thing? Was this related to…

"Come here," she motioned, keeping her composure.

When he stood next to her seat, she scooped him up into her arms and pulled him into her lap. "Everyone has a special purpose in life that only they can fulfill," she started. "Everyone wonders what that purpose is. Some people know because they decide to make it what they want, others wonder about it their whole lives and never figure it out. But nothing is ever wasted. Your life matters and it means something to someone. For example…" she paused to get ready. "You matter a whole lot to me!" She began to tickle him all over.

He giggled and squirmed over her legs. She stopped after a while when he looked like he was out of breath.

He looked up at her. "Are you happy, mommy?"

Her smile vanished again. His eyes were blank. All of this… these questions weren't coming for him. At least, she thought not. Like the mother that she is, she felt his forehead. He didn't seem too warm.

"Kazui, can you stay still for a moment?" she asked him gently.

He nodded to her. She held up her hands ready to summon her glowing power but paused. She couldn't tell for certain if anything was wrong. She and Ichigo had agreed long ago that whenever he gets hurt or sick, they would let him get better on his own. This was for two reasons, so that he would know how to deal with such things without her and so that his immune system wouldn't get weak after never having to fight anything off.

She put her hands under his arms and picked him up instead. She'd take him to a doctor. She could probably call ahead and schedule something for later today. It was still barely six. As she waited for the call to connect, a name suddenly and unexpectedly popped into her head.

"Urahara-san," she breathed.

Kazui looked curiously at her face.


A/N: Hi. A reviewer asked me to address my audience. I haven't yet because I'm... shy. But I couldn't say no when someone kindly asked me. I really do appreciate everyone who has written a review for this story. I'm not used to so much mixed attention, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something right because if something is really bad, why would anyone take time out of their day to bother with it? I kind of find it fascinating that a good number of the reviews are addressing other reviews instead of my writing or my story. I want you guys to feel comfortable saying whatever you want though, so have at it! But I feel like I'm listening in on a conversation I have no business in... or something. I hope someone enjoys this story, even if it is mostly angst.

I feel that I should also take the time to say that the end of this chapter has nothing to do with something like, "Oh, Kazui shouldn't exist so he should act really confused and blank." It has to do with something else entirely. Can't tell you what it is, but I'd love it if you would tell me your guesses or something. Thank you again. *bows*