It was starting to creep up on me. The aching, the stinging. The emptiness of not having the weight of my journal around my neck. The coldness of not having the book against my chest. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I could no longer stand the effects of being without its soothing presence for so long... before I'd revert to my old habits.

Honestly, it had been so long since I'd been forced to deal with the pain, I almost wondered if I'd be able to handle it. I questioned whether or not my older body was more or less equipped to deal with the toxic red that tormented me. Maybe it would be manageable now, without that crutch?

Maybe I can be strong on my own.. without your help... I wasn't sure if that thought made me want to smile or frown. Perhaps I should be asking whether or not I want to be strong on my own... It's strange. Even though I hate relying on people, for some reason I want to need you. I want that excuse... even though it seems you're moving on and-

"Oi, stop spacing out..!"

I jumped with wide eyes, my cheek rising out of my palm where it leaned on the desk. Killua was glowering at me, an irritable storm brewing behind his eyes. I'd been staring at him without really seeing him.

With difficulty, I restrained my growing irritation. I would beat the pain. I wouldn't let it change me again. ".. sorry. I got lost. Where was I?"

He measured me with a pout, prolonging the silence before sighing. "You were supposed to be telling me how getting this whole aura thing works! Honestly, if you're gonna be so moody over this book, I'd rather leave you to get it back yourself.."

I felt my brows knit together as I pushed my hands on the table. "Hey! I'm not being moody!"

He raised a brow. "You've been weirder than usual."

"Tch. It's important to me, got it? That's the only reason I'm acting strange.." I lied.

"Somehow I doubt that sentimental value is the only importance it has, but okay. Continue with your explanation! You already said that you and Hisoka have freaky powers because of something called aura, so tell me how to get it!"

I crossed my arms. "It's not something you get, it's something you learn to control. Every living thing has aura. In fact, it's so vital to living, that you might even call it life itself!"

"Then why can't I use it?" He looked unconvinced.

"Well.. you kind of can. Aura has to be awakened in order to be put to work... You basically have to learn how to let your life energy pour out of you. Which can be really dangerous! So, it usually takes a looong time and a lot of training to properly do it without dying."

He scowled. "How long are we talking..?"

"Hmph. I'm not going to tell you how to do it, genius. I said I'd tell you what it was, that's all. Once we pass this damned exam, I might get around to actually teaching you." I sneered to which he sat back in his chair with a cool glare. "Anyhow, there are a few cases where people naturally tap into their life force. Where untrained civilians can use their life energy to do extraordinary things, like great artists and psychics and extraordinary people like that."

I paused and narrowed my eyes, considering my word choice closely. "You... are one of those people. Kind of."

He leaned forward suddenly, elbow on the table. "Reeeeally?"

I scowled at his eagerness. "... yes... sometimes."

He scoffed a laugh and leaned back, arms behind his head. "Hah! I'm not surprised! I am pretty great, after all."

I gave him a bitter glare as he teetered back in his chair, hoping that it might tip backwards and that he'd spill out of his chair. But that didn't happen... "Yeah. Whatever. Like I said, it's only sometimes."

He grinned to himself, practically preening. I regretted inflating his ego. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it at all... I mean, there had been times when he got angry that I felt... something... But it was only in flashes. And that thing he does with his hands is probably a product of aura. But most noticeably is when he uses that damn Zetsu... it really is something. Either way, it's too late to take my words back now, I'd better roll with it.

"Like when you do that... creepy shadowy thing, where you hide inside crowds. That is a type of aura manipulation. But rather than turning your life force into something physical like Hisoka's powers, you hold your life force inside of you, hiding it." I held up my hand, and felt for my aura, concentrating on dragging it back inside myself. It wriggled, and flailed like a terrified cat as I wrestled with it, before it finally sprang free of my control. I sighed and folded my arms back on the table. "Personally, I'm... kinda bad at that sort of thing."

He raised a brow over a cocky grin and I scowled. "It's not my fault! I have an... overzealous aura. Which..." I hesitated. I'd been dreading this part for a while now. Ever since I first used it on Killua, I knew this moment would come. The time would come where I'd have to explain the energy I'd been giving him and the others. But that didn't mean I had to tell him everything... just enough to keep him safe, right? "Which brings me to one of my abilities."

I noticed the change in Killua immediately. He tensed, his eyes first widening then focusing on me. His jaw set as he slanted forward in his chair. I could sense the questions bubbling to the surface, but he kept them down as I weighed my words... as I selected the information that would hinder me in the future the least. I watched my thumbs dance, circling one another as I held my hands woven together. And as they spun, and spun and spun, I felt the changes... like the familiar side effects of a reoccurring sickness, inching their way back into my life.

I noticed the insistent sting, as my skin rubbed against skin, and the irritation that the mere clothing on my back brought me. The prick of anxiety that resulted just from breathing. I smelled the faint odor of the torches lingering on Killua and I and wrinkled my nose.

And suddenly I realized I wasn't ready to divulge that part of myself to him. It was a line I wasn't willing to cross. Not yet. I wanted to hold onto that secret for as long as possible... even if I was only delaying the inevitable. So at the last moment, I diverted my course of action.

"Never mind.. I'll get to that one later. Explaining this one first will make more sense." I said with a wave of my hand, clarifying when he gave me an irritable look. "This first ability has to do with that book."

His interest redoubled. I swallowed hard.

"As you've seen before, I write in my journal to keep a daily log of what is happening..." I said, unable to hold my gaze still as I looked for the words to say. "But it's more than that. If I put my aura into what I write, then I can use those words to..." I rowed my hands in a small circle as I grasped for an accurate description. "To create an image in someone's mind. To create an experience in their imagination, is a better way to put it."

I extracted my pen from my jacket and Killua visibly tensed. I gave him a level look and placed the tip to the table. "So if I were to write.. something liiiike... The knife tore its way into my shoulder, severing muscle and flesh in a flash of blinding pain." I wrote the words as I spoke them upon the table top, allowing a steady stream of energy to flow into the ink and remain upon the table. "And then stabbed someone with this pen, they would feel exactly what I described. Word for word."

He stared at the words on the table silently.

"That being said, the strength of this experience depends on how well I write it. The vividity of the illusion is based on how descriptive my wording is. Another factor is whether or not the person believes what was written; if I try to convince someone that their arm is on fire, and there clearly isn't a fire, then they probably won't believe it." A dark mirth twinkled in my eye.

Finally, Killua spoke in a very quiet voice. "... so how do you beat it?"

I gave him an exasperated look. "Sure, let me just spell out how to beat my best trick."

His stony expression finally cracked under irritation. "Knowing a partner's strengths and weaknesses is important, Clearian. If I don't know how to help you, then I can't help you, genius."

I scowled, feeling the truth of his words weigh down on me. As much as I didn't want to give him an advantage over me in the inevitable event of him trying to kill me, his argument held truth... That way, if I didn't want him to use this information against me, all I had to do was not piss him off. Ever.

Hah... as if that's possible.

Reluctantly, I sighed, narrowing my eyes at him. "A way to dispel the illusion is to damage the words I wrote." I held his gaze as I licked my finger, swiping it through the ink on the table. To my eyes, the glow of aura would have flickered then faded permanently, as the words became smudged beyond recognition. "Another way to negate my ability is to simply disprove the illusion. Simple as that."

Killua was silent for a period, staring intently at the table, for which I was grateful. The longer I didn't have to spill my secrets, the better. Perhaps if I stalled long enough, the five hour penalty would elapse and I wouldn't have to tell him at all! But seeing how only an hour and a few spare moments had passed, that wasn't very likely... a fact which left a sour taste in my mouth.

I watched with a dull glower as Killua wrestled with his thoughts, visibly pinning each down as he grappled with which question he'd elect. When he finally spoke, I hadn't anticipated what he'd ask me to do. At all.

"Use it on me."

I rocketed forward in my seat. Hands gripping the edge of the table, I questioned his sanity. "What?!"

He didn't waver, finally lifting his eyes to mine. "I want to know how strong it is. So I want you to use it on me."

A dozen ideas wheeled through my mind, and the one fly to the forefront made me grin. "How strong are we talking? Do you want me to write you an essay and stab that into you? Or do you want a toddler's dosage?"

He widened his eyes under a glare, finally snapping out of his cold reverie. "Hey, I don't want you to try to kill me! But I also don't want to be taken lightly. I want the average amount you use. One you'd use in the middle of a fight."

I reclined at that, mouth twisted in a grimace. "Huh. The amount I'd use in a fight? I don't know if you noticed, but my ability didn't exactly work in a fight. It's better drafted out of a combat setting, where I can plan out my thoughts and take my time, without the threat of a card impaling my face." I waved away his irritated growl with a flap of my hand. "But I get what you're saying. I'll give you a moderate dosage. In fact, I'll give you the same one I gave someone earlier during the exam."

I clicked my pen with a sinister grin, reminiscing with dark glee the mess I'd made of the Rookie Crusher. Feeling lighter than I had in a while, I summoned my aura to the surface. It came willingly like a well trained hound, eager to be given a task. Easily drawing it down my arm and into my hand, it flowed through the pen and infused into the ink that marked the table in smooth curls and circles. The familiar sensation of my life energy being etched in ink relaxed me.

On a whim, I further explained my ability as I wrote. I suppose the extra information was a gift, in exchange for his willingness to taste the pain that I was all too willing to give.

"The cipher I write in is one of my own creation. So while yes, destroying my writing is one way to end my illusions, someone looking for it wouldn't necessarily know what to look for. It looks like another language, just gibberish. To me, the words glow, but not to anyone else. Even to people trained in identifying aura, it's hard to notice something as small as writing.."

I sensed his tension mounting as I continued to write, unable to help the grin that tugged at my cheeks. But even as he seemed to realize his mistake in agreeing to this deal, he didn't retract his invitation. I admired his resolve.

The illusion I had for him totaled as five lines of text, evenly written in a small three and a half inch by two inches in front of me, similar in size to the pages I usually wrote upon in my journal.

He stared at the words he couldn't comprehend and seemed to weigh their worth. My eyes crinkled with anticipation. I didn't attempt to hide my excitement.

"Are you ready?"

His eyes traced the lines one more time before he met my gaze and nodded. I held my palm open for his hand. When he hesitantly placed his in mine, I very carefully put the tip of the pen to the back of his hand. It glowed bright red in my eyes, before seeping into his skin. I smiled, and waited patiently for his reaction.

I searched his expression eagerly. I waited for his mouth to scowl. I waited for his eyes to water. I waited for him to scream, and double over, and beg for release.

I waited... and it never fucking came!

"I see." Was his only response.

I slammed my hands on the table, shoving myself to my feet. "WHAT?!"

He brought a contemplative hand to his mouth, studying the words on the table. "That makes sense..."

What the hell is happening!? He should be a puddle of tears by now! Not sitting calmly and saying "I see"..!

My wide eyes searched the words on the table for any flaws. But there were none! The words were a shimmering red, easily read by me, and easily understood! So why wasn't Killua effected!?

"What the hell is going on?! Why didn't it work?!" I tugged at my hair, as if pulling it out would unravel the mystery. Killua slid an infuriating smirk up at me.

"Oh, it worked. But what you did just doesn't work on me." He said, as if that made any sense at all..! I stared at him in disbelief as he easily tilted back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head. "Tell me what you wrote, and I'll tell you why it didn't work on me."

I lingered a glare at him, before bitterly reciting the words I'd written.

"The bone shattered. My right thigh was ablaze.

Glowing hot daggers of pain stabbed my leg from

the inside out, twisting, churning, and slashing in

waves of scalding agony. Any shift in my body tripled

the pain, an echo of torture that only grew louder."

He made a thoughtful noise. "Hmmm... not bad. To a normal person, that would work pretty well. That's a painful bone to break, and the pain only gets worse as time goes on, unless they can break the illusion. Well thought, Frizzy."

His praise tasted like dirt in my mouth. "Clearly it wasn't well thought enough..."

He looked smug. "To anyone other than me, it might be earth shattering. But I'm a Zoldyck! I've been trained to withstand torture since I was two, Clearian. So shattered bones? They don't really phase me."

A cold understanding settled into me. The understanding that he was telling the truth about his family... and the understanding that he really was a mass murderer. I looked at him in a new light. Or darkness, rather.

Each time he moves, the pain is tripling... each time he rocks back and forth in that chair, he's exponentially increasing the pain he's feeling... and yet he doesn't look hindered at all.

I fixed a level glare at him as I licked my thumb and swiped an 'X' over the words on the table. They fizzled against my skin with a crackle. Killua beamed at me with an irritating air of victory that ground against my nerves... much like my shirt was.

As my excitement over the prospect of unleashing my underwhelming powers on Killua faded, the gnawing effects of my condition returned with a vengeance that sought to makeup for lost time. I sat down gingerly, trying not to shift against my clothing too roughly... a precaution I hadn't been forced to take in years. I swallowed as my hands curled in frustration.

If I hadn't lost that damn book to that man... I clenched my hands too tightly, and the pain made me flinch. I scowled, and began the tedious process of reteaching myself of how to not hurt. A personal feeling of humiliation settled into my bones. When I get my hands on that man who stole your book from me...

Killua's taunting voice drew me from my blood stained thoughts.

"Don't be too bummed out about it, Frizzy." He drawled airily, tottering back in his chair. "I'm sure there are other illusions you can figure out if you want to fight against me. If you get the chance to fight back, that is."

I slanted a glance at his cocky grin as he peered over his sharpened nails at me.

"Tch. Don't be so full of yourself. I'm not sulking over your freaky pain tolerance, brat.." I sneered, to which he stopped rocking in his chair. "It's about..."

I hesitated. Again.

It really shouldn't be this hard to talk about...

But somehow, it felt as though I was standing at the edge of Mount Split-In-Half all over again, teetering on the precipice of some great doom. If I stepped out over the edge...

"I haven't forgotten, Clearian."

My eyes jolted up to his. Sharp, glacier blue and oh so clever. The eyes of a born and bred killer. My breath stuck in my throat.

"I haven't forgotten about that freaky energy you used on me before. And I won't let you keep it a secret any longer."


Hellooooo, thank you for reading! I know I haven't updated in half a year, sorry to keep you waiting! Thank you for your patience!

These past two chapters have been reeeeally hard to write.. namely because I wasn't sure how I wanted them to progress. I haven't been sure about how much I wanted Killua and the readers to know about Clearian's Hatsu, which I thought was one of the driving mysteries of the story. And mystery is the best part! However, there's more mysteries to come, of course, haha.

Anyhow, this chapter is a tonnnn of talking, which isn't really that fun to read or write, unfortunately. And honestly, these two chapters have been progressing at a much slower pace than I had ever hoped they would... This was supposed to be a shorter part of the story, not such a big chunk! It's looking like it's going to take up another two chapters, which is a rather large sum of time for a made up plot point.

Just this chapter alone is like... twice the length I'd planned it to be for the amount of information it covered... yikes! Perhaps I'll speed things up so we can get straight into the action, but we'll see..!

Also! Please let me know if you think my writing quality has dropped, because the other half of the issue with me updating has been that I feel I'm not keeping pace with my old writing abilities. And especially let me know if you have any ideas of how to fix the age old issue of writer's block!


Onto the Guest Reviews!

AngelFaux : Thank you so much for taking the time to drop a review! And thank you for your compliments; it always bothers me when I see people try to make their OC's better than Gon and Killua, when they're supposed to be super prodigies, haha. So while Clearian is currently ahead in his training, he wouldn't be able to hold a candle to them if they caught up, lol. So I'm definitely glad you're enjoying that aspect of his character as well!

Guest: Thank you! Even though it's not the best mid-combat ability, I think it has many other practical uses!