Lights, as the only surviving senior officer, had been offered a bunk in the Carpathia's officers quarters, and that was where I woke up several hours later. He had offered to let me sleep there until he could find someone else to take me in, although I had protested – I didn't want to impose. I just wanted to find a small room where I could be alone. I think I was in shock – nothing was registering in my mind. I kept thinking Will would walk in, but he never did.

When I woke up, I sat there for a while just thinking. I couldn't stay with Lights, whatever he said. He was a married man and I didn't want to encourage any rumours about us. I slowly climbed out of bed, still deep in thought. Surely there must be another rescue ship somewhere nearby? There were so many people on Titanic that there couldn't be enough room for all of us on this ship – there had to be another ship with the others who had been pulled out of the water. I decided that Will would probably be there.

That settled it. I would try to locate the radio room so I could have a message sent to the other ship which Will would be on. I pulled Will's coat around me again. I could still smell his aftershave on it, which was of some comfort to me. I walked to the door and opened it softly, stepping out into the bitter cold. I could feel the icy air biting into my skin, and I pulled the collar of Will's coat up to my ears.

I didn't even know what day it was anymore. Everything had blurred into one since that awful night – how many days had passed? I couldn't ever guess. My sleep had been all over the place since that night. I had no idea whether I had just slept through a night or an afternoon.

"What are you doing out here?"

Harry was standing in front of me, leaning on the railing, a cigarette in his mouth. His right eyebrow was raised slightly as he looked at me.

"Harry..." I murmured. Something hit me suddenly. "Harry – I need you to tell me that secret."

"Why?" He took the cigarette out of his mouth and seemed to study it.

"What do you mean 'why'?" I demanded. "If you're keeping a secret from me I have a right to know!"

"And I agree with you," he replied smoothly. "But Lights has sworn me to secrecy."

"So?"

"So I can't tell you. Not now anyway. Look, Ada, I promise I will tell you at some point."

"No, that isn't good enough!"

We were interrupted by a couple of Carpathia officers, who strolled up to us. One of them looked me up and down.

"Who's this, Lowe?"

Harry placed the cigarette back in his mouth before replying. "This is Miss Banks, she was the fiancée of our first officer."

"Murdoch?" The other seemed to consider this information. "I am dreadfully sorry for your loss, miss. It's not bad enough that such a disaster occurred but for your fiancé to take his -"

Harry suddenly jumped to attention, and pulled me away with his arm around my shoulder. "Would you like to have a short tour of this ship, Ada?"

I shook his arm off. "Excuse me, sir, what were you just saying?"

The officer who had just spoken suddenly looked awkward. "I apologise, miss, it's not my place..."

I turned to Harry again. "What is he talking about?"

It was now Harry's turn to look awkward. "I...look...Ada. There have been some vicious rumours circulating about Will..."

I frowned. "Go on."

"Some survivors on this ship have claimed that they saw Will...er...take his...own life...before the ship went down."

I gaped, absolutely speechless. Who would say something like that about my Will? Harry continued awkwardly.

"That's...er...half of the 'secret' anyway. Lights didn't want you to hear about it," he glared at the other officers. "But I just want you to know that Lights saw him being washed overboard. The rumours are just rumours."

I frowned. "If it's just a rumour then why shouldn't I hear it?"

"Because Lights thought it might upset you."

I shook my head. I didn't believe that Will would have any reason to take his own life – he had promised he would meet me 'later'. I was completely confident that it was not true.

"Well, what about the rest?"

"I can't tell you right now, Ada. Come on, the lads are having breakfast if you're interested?"

"I don't have much of an appetite, Harry."

He shook his head with a small smile playing on his lips. With one hand he removed the cigarette from his mouth and threw it into the sea, with the other he took my elbow and led me inside, down a small corridor and into the mess. The occupants looked up wearily – Lights, Joe Boxhall, Pitman and one of the Marconi operators.

"I'm sure you all remember Ada. She needs our support," Harry declared. I observed the expressions on a couple of the faces – Joe's in particular. I tugged on Harry's arm.

"Please let me go, Harry!"

He ignored me, and pushed me gently into an empty chair, before sitting opposite Lights and looking directly at him.

"Lights, I may as well tell you now that one of the Carpathia lads told her about Will."

"What the hell?"

"Only half of it. The...uh...taking his own life part."

The words suddenly stung me deeply. What an awful, cruel and heartless rumour to start! I looked around, trying to remember who was missing. Will, obviously, and Jim. And...Mr Wilde!

"Did Mr Wilde not make it?" I queried. Harry flinched at the question. Lights signalled for me to not talk about it.

"Harry took a boat back to the scene and...well, he saw Wilde in the water. Too late to save him."

I blinked back some bitter tears, then turned to Harry. "You went back? God, I had expected everyone to keep their distance. We tried to turn back but the gentleman in charge refused."

"I just did what I felt I had to do," Harry mumbled. "Someone needed to do something. We didn't find many survivors, so I obviously didn't do enough."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Joe interrupted. "You did more than anyone else did. The only one of us with any type of excuse is Lights."

Lights mumbled something incoherently, but Harry explained, "Lights was swept over to an overturned lifeboat and managed to keep himself and a lot of other men afloat until they were picked up. He saved more people then I did."

Lights shook his head vigorously. "I don't think so, Harry."

I decided to change the subject. "So...how many other rescue ships are there?"

"Others?" Pitman asked, looking vaguely confused.

"Yes," I replied confidently. "There cannot possibly be enough room on this ship for Titanic's passengers as well as her own."

They all exchanged glances, then Lights looked back at me. "There are no other rescue ships, Ada. All the survivors are on here."

"Then where's Will?" I demanded. "He told me -"

"I know what he told you," Lights interrupted. "But he's not on board this ship, Ada. I swear on my life that Will did not make it to this ship."

His gaze briefly met Harry's, then dropped to the cup in front of him. I just stared at him for a moment, then stood up and walked out.