-PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THIS CHAPTER IS EVEN MORE AU THAN THE OTHERS-
Hephaistion wiped the glistening sweat from his brow, leaving a trail of dirt when he removed his hand. It was hot. He couldn't remember it being so hot when he was young, but then again he hadn't been home for more years than he cared to count. He patted the rump of the horse he had been shoeing and directed it back into the barn. The horse was big and brawny and black and reminded him of Bucephalus, Alexander's beloved mount. It was times like these that were hardest on him. He loved being home and out in the sun and being on his own, but when memories came rushing back out of the blue, it was like leaving all over again.
Sneaking out of Alexander's arms on that fateful morning had been the most difficult thing Hephaistion had ever done. He'd kissed his beloved gently on the forehead, brushed a golden strand from his face, then bid him a silent farewell. The soldier he'd been assigned had been good company during the long journey and Hephaistion had to admit he'd been happy for the consistent babbling that the man did. But when the quiet moments ensued, his mind had immediately filled with an uncertain confusion that made him almost head back to Babylon, at least twice. He had persevered though, using some of the advice and philosophies that Aristotle had blessed him with over the years.
But now, six months later, the memories and thoughts of Alexander still grieved him and made him pause. He never faltered in believing his decision had been the best one for him, but even his firm belief could not erase how much he missed his lover's face and smell and voice and touch. There were some nights that his body yearned for Alexander in such a way that the only relief he could muster was that of his own hand on his member and his beloved in his mind and on his tongue as he found release. He had had many offers of company since he'd been home, both men and women alike, but he wasn't ready to share his bed, let alone share his heart, with anyone else.
Closing the barn door, he stretched his arms over his head, loosening a few knots in his shoulders that had been plaguing him for a while. Hephaistion knew it was to be on of those memory-inflicted days as he recalled how Alexander always had the most wonderful hands for working out kinks and soreness. On these days he reminded himself that over the last couple of years with his beloved, the King had not had time for such dalliances as rubbing the former general's back and some days Hephaistion was able to actually convince himself the both of them were better off apart.
The sun was still high in the sky but Hephaistion had been up well before dawn, working with the horses and getting all his chores around the place out of the way. The caretaker still came in every couple of days to lend a hand, but Hephaistion had almost all but dismissed him. The man was well over the age of sixty and had worked for Hephaistion's family since he was a boy, but it was time he was able to enjoy the remaining years of his life. And even though Hephaistion had hired a young man to help around the farm, he still let the older caretaker come in merely as a favor to the man, who still wanted to feel useful. He wasn't sure how long he would be allowing the favor to go on though, due to the fact that the man had started bringing his granddaughter with him. It wasn't that Hephaistion didn't appreciate the female company, but rather that the young woman wanted to be a little too friendly with the former general and he was getting tired of fending her off. For some reason the days she appeared were harder nights for Hephaistion as well, as her advances turned his mind and the needs of his body to Alexander.
After a brisk ten-minute walk to the house, he kicked off his boots and threw his body down onto the couch. He was tired, and since he was now his own boss, he thought he might indulge in a quick nap before making himself something to eat and resuming his day. As he closed his eyes, visions of Alexander danced about his head, filling his heart with the remorse and pain that had not lessened in six months, but that he merely was able to hold at bay for most of the time. Indulging in a nap and in thoughts of his beloved would either make him ready to continue the work he had to do or make him useless to do so. He wasn't sure which path his mind would take today but he gave in to the sleepiness anyhow.
"I see you've put aside all your soldier teachings," a voice in Hephaistion's head whispered. "I'd have not been able to sneak up on you when you were my general."
Blinking his eyes open, Hephaistion bounded from the couch when he realized the voice was real and not merely in his head. "Alexander!"
The King stood grinning at him, a hand reaching out to steady his beloved's arm as he whirled up from his recumbent position. "What are you ... how did you ... oh gods!" Hephaistion grabbed his lover in a passionate hug, arms wrapping around him tightly, head tucked securely in the man's sweaty neck.
"Hephaistion, oh, how I've missed you," Alexander murmured, as he raked his fingers through the knots of Hephaistion long hair. "You even smell good to me in your present state."
The former general loosened his grip just enough so he could look into the man's eyes, needing proof that he was not dreaming. "I can't believe you're here. And truth be told, you don't smell any better than I."
Alexander grinned and brought his head closer to Hephaistion's, foreheads touching and lips reaching for each other. The longhaired man moaned into the contact but quickly pulled away and stepped back from the man.
"You must be tired from your travels, can I get you something to drink perhaps; water, fruit juice. It's a little early for wine but I do have some."
"Water would be lovely," the King replied, smiling warmly at Hephaistion and trying to connect with the blue eyes that were avoiding his gaze.
Hephaistion stepped past Alexander and retrieved a cup of water; handing it to him, their fingers brushed together, the light contact running through them both like the spark of a flame. "You must tell me all the news. What's happened since I left?"
"There will be ample time for that later. I just want to look at you for a moment, my love. Oh, how I've missed just looking at you." Alexander's eyes were bright with tears as he set the cup on the table and took Hephaistion's hand. "You look well, more than well actually. You truly have a glow about you that I've not seen for years. And this place is spectacular, Phai. You've done a wonderful job with it. Your father would have been proud."
Feeling his own eyes tearing up and deciding to do everything in his power not to allow that to happen, Hephaistion pulled his hand from Alexander's and walked towards the door. "Do you not have men with you who need some drinks as well, Alexander? Should we not go and offer them some?"
"I have but one man with me, and last I saw him he was heading over to that grand old tree by the barn for a rest."
Hephaistion nodded then knitted his eyebrows in a frown. "How inconsiderate of me, I said you must be tired but I have not yet offered you a place to lie down," Hephaistion scolded himself. He took pause in the fact that Alexander had only one guard with him but was sure the man would explain in his own time. "Let me help you bring your things in and I'll show you to your room."
"That can wait, Phai." Alexander could sense Hephaistion's discomfort, his actions reminding the King of a cornered rabbit and though he didn't completely understand it, he wished not to add to any more discomfort. "I've been sitting on a horse for far too many days, how about you show me around so I can stretch my legs?"
Hephaistion nodded and opened the door, motioning Alexander to go ahead of him. The King was immediately attacked by a rather large hairy beast, his body pushed back into Hephaistion who saved him from falling on his backside. "Gods!" Alexander cried out. "Well, hello there. What a great beast of an animal you are."
"Xan! Down boy!"
"No. He's absolutely lovely, Phai. And he appears to not be fully grown. He'll be as big as one of your horses soon."
"He was a stray that wandered into the barn and I hadn't the heart to turn him away, being that I also am a bit of a stray myself now." Hephaistion petted the big head, scratching behind his ears and grinning stupidly at the mutt, while his insides churned with the question he knew was coming.
"Xan?" Alexander asked as the realization suddenly struck him.
"Yes," Hephaistion blushed, concentrating his full attention on the wiggling, drooling mutt to avoid Alexander's eyes. "Shall we proceed?"
Alexander nodded, understanding the look in Hephaistion's eyes and putting away the questions he had for a later time. "You have apple trees as well as horses?
"Yes, and a few chickens. I haven't a need to go into town for rations too often, with the woods being plentiful with rabbits and other animals, and the man in the next farm always has vegetables for me, as well. Are you hungry, Alexander? I can fix a meal if you are."
"Stop fussing, Phai," Alexander said, placing a hand on the man's shoulder briefly but pulling it away. "Show me your lovely ... home. That's why I'm here."
The two men spent the next hour or so, winding their way around the sprawling land that had been in Hephaistion's family for generations. They talked sporadically and not about anything of importance, only small conversations of horses and nature and such. They both sensed in the other a hesitation to speak of anything close to the heart, and though Alexander could tell that the former general was avoiding any physical contact, he could not help himself from touching the man innocently a few times as they explored.
"This river runs through your property?" he asked, after Hephaistion had led him through the woods and to a wondrous rush of water. "It's beautiful. I can picture you spending a lot of time here, your face melancholy and thoughtful, perhaps writing out some of that lyrical prose that I know floats around in your head."
Hephaistion turned to Alexander, his heart overflowing with his beloved's words. "I never realized that you knew I still wrote."
"I may have never acknowledged half the things that I still know about you. And for that I am truly sorry."
The longhaired man looked away then, his heart aching and his thoughts battling inside his skull. "It's been a long journey, Alexander ... perhaps, you'd like to bathe in the river to cool yourself."
"That sounds lovely," Alexander replied, veering away from the subject he really wished to speak of. "I have a clean chiton in my bag. I'll run and get it."
"No," Hephaistion said sharply. "You refresh yourself. I'll go retrieve it and find a towel for you."
"You'll not be joining me?"
"No. I bathed this morning," Hephaistion lied. "I'll just wash up later. Is your bag still on your horse? Oh, does that mean Bucephalus is here as well? I've missed that old stubborn bastard."
Alexander hung his head, thoughts going to the time before he had reached his beloved, again. "I lost him, Phai. In an attack on the palace."
Hephaistion's mouth hung open, his arms itching to wrap around the sadness that had encompassed his love. "I'm so sorry, Alexander. I'm truly sorry. I know what he meant to you."
"Not as much as other things. Other things that I allowed to get away but I hope are still within my grasp." Alexander's eyes returned to the cerulean pools, searching for some sign of understanding and acceptance.
"I'll be back in a short while, Alexander. Enjoy your bath." Hephaistion turned and quickly walked away from the King, his heart beating wildly and loudly in his ears. He needed to be strong. He needed to be the new man he had become, not the old man he had left behind. Alexander being there was a test, a test of Hephaistion's strength and passion. He could not falter. He could not let his heart lead his mind as he had for some many years.
This was the new Hephaistion and he needed Alexander to see that he could not be swayed back into the life he had abandoned. His mind was fighting hard against the ache in his heart and the wanting in his soul, fighting to protect the very part of him that wanted nothing more but to grab Alexander and never let him go.
*****
Returning with a fresh chiton for the King, Hephaistion stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Alexander's naked body reclining on the grass beside the river. The pale skin and bright hair seemed to glow in the sunlight, the man's long, lean muscles stretching over the earth, and his nakedness shining in the brightness of the day.
Hephaistion cleared his throat in hopes the man would at least cover certain parts of himself but was rewarded with a mere turn of the King's head and a mischievous grin. "The water's wonderful, Phai. You truly have a god's paradise here."
"Yes ... thank ... thank you," Hephaistion stammered. "Your new horse seems fit, Alexander. Is she easy to handle?" He walked closer to the King, his eyes looking everywhere but at the slightly erect member lying on the man's belly. "I've taken her to the barn so she can rest and be free of the sun for a while." He handed Alexander the chiton and towel and carefully sat down beside him, but not too close.
"Thank you. She's a good girl. Rather feisty at times but that's what I've always liked in my horses, is it not?"
"Feisty does not even begin to describe that old beast of yours. You must miss him terribly."
"I do and I think of him often. There have been too many losses in my life as of late. Too many to bear, truth be told."
Hephaistion sidestepped the conversation that he knew Alexander was trying to engage him in. "You said there was an attack on the palace? What happened, Alexander?"
"Shall we just enjoy the sound of the water and the warmth of the sun for now, Hephaistion? Perhaps we can catch up over our evening meal?"
Hephaistion nodded, and leaned back on his hands. "Yes, that sounds like the perfect plan, my King." He smirked as Alexander opened his mouth, then closed it again and laid his body back onto the hard earth. Hephaistion did the same, his eyes turned to the blue sky, happy to not have the nakedness of the man staring him in the face anymore. Is it not true that a man can only take so much before he cracks, and seeing Alexander's nude form for much longer would surely have broken the former general's already-weakened resolve.
*****
The rest of the afternoon was pleasant and unassuming. The men had fallen asleep by the river, basking in the warmth of the day and the closeness of each other. Hephaistion's dreams were not about Alexander for the first time in months, and he marveled at how strange that was, being that the man had been lying beside him as he slept. They both awoke refreshed and ready to resume their time together.
"Come with me, Alexander," Hephaistion said, as Alexander slipped the clean chiton over his head. "I should check my traps for our evening meal."
The traps produced two rabbits, which both men agreed would make a wonderful dinner. Hephaistion skinned and cooked them to perfection with a few vegetables from his neighbor.
"So, Xenos is it?" Hephaistion asked the soldier who had joined them for their meal. "How is it that I do not remember you, but you have been given the grand duty of protecting your King while he is away?"
"I've not been assigned to protect the ..."
"Xenos fought bravely in the assault on the palace, so I offered up the opportunity as a bit of a reward, if you will," Alexander interrupted, shooting the man a look that clearly said, "Hold your tongue".
"Yes ... Alexan ... his majesty was most gracious in choosing me, as I did nothing more than any other soldier during the assault."
"And why are you the only one?" Hephaistion asked, his sea-blue eyes penetrating the younger man's until the man was forced to look away.
"I'm quite tired, sir," the soldier stuttered. "Might I be excused to retire to my room?"
"Of course." Alexander said quickly, as Hephaistion turned his gaze from one to the other. "I'm in good hands, I assure you."
Once Xenos had left the two men alone, an uncomfortable silence fell over them. Hephaistion toiled to find something to say that didn't involve asking a million questions that Alexander seemed not to want to answer.
"How thoughtless of me," he suddenly said. "I've not brought the wine to the table. Why did you not just ask me for it, Alexander?"
"I'll not be needing any wine, Phai, but thank you."
Hephaistion paused and looked inquiringly at his beloved. "No wine? Are you feeling unwell?"
Alexander snorted. "No. But I can understand your surprise. Truth be told, I've not had a cup since the attack on the palace and I honestly don't miss it. It's actually quite refreshing not to have bits of my memory missing because of my excessive indulging."
No wine? Hephaistion thought he must be dreaming or Alexander had suddenly become adept at lying to him. He studied his love's face carefully but saw no signs of deception or teasing. "That's remarkable to say the least, Alexander," he finally sputtered out. "A true feat in itself. I'm quite proud of you, my king."
Alexander's eyes upon his own were too intense, too loving, too exacting for the former general and he immediately busied himself with feeding the scraps of the meal to Xan.
"Do I make you so uncomfortable that you have to call me your king? I do not mean to do that, and I beg you not to use my ... title, Hephaistion."
"Alright."
Alexander reached over and brushed an auburn strand from his love's face, his fingers lingering on the soft, familiar skin for more than a moment. "I expected you to have cut your hair, but it's even longer now."
"I guess it's just become a part of me over the years, though cutting it would be a nice change when it gets tangled and sweaty some days." Hephaistion pulled his head from Alexander's touch, shaking it gently so the long locks partially hid his face.
"I've always loved your hair."
"Alexander, please ..."
"You just need someone to take care of it for you. I always loved brushing it and playing with it."
Hephaistion finally turned his downcast eyes up to the brown ones staring wondrously at him; the look they cast causing Hephaistion's skin to bristle. "How long do you intend on leaving the palace kingless?"
It was Alexander's turn to look uncomfortable, his own eyes pulling away from the intensity of Hephaistion's and looking down at his hands. "They are not kingless, as you say. Matters are well in hand." Hephaistion tilted his head in confusion. "I knew not the right time to tell you my news, Phai."
"News?"
"I've given up my birthright. I've stepped away from the throne."
Hephaistion snorted and looked around him. "What a preposterous idea. Has Cleitus put you up to this, Alexander? Perhaps he'll be next to arrive, proclaiming me his one and only." He snorted, again, and chuckled to himself but stopped when Alexander's warm hand settled itself on his arm, causing his flesh to goose bump instantly.
"Cleitus is dead."
The longhaired man's eyes widened, the blueness immediately brightening in the dimness of the room as his mouth dropped open. "That is not amusing, Alexander. Why would you ..."
"He died in the attack, my love. He died protecting me. I knew I must tell you in person. I know he meant a lot to you, as he did to me ..."
"When?" Hephaistion's voice was deep and low, the sadness of his tone filling the room.
"Just over two months after you left. I wanted to come sooner but I had to make my peace with ..."
"It's taken you an entire day to tell me this?"
"I knew not how, Hephaistion, you must understand that," Alexander cried out. I honestly tried several times but the words would not leave my lips."
"I understand," the former general said quietly. "I must apologize."
The two men sat in silence, the only sound being the large dog devouring the last of the rabbit. After several minutes of quiet and uncertainty, Hephaistion broke the melancholy. "I'm tired, Alexander, and I believe I'll go to my bed. My days start early. I know you understand that. Please, don't touch a thing, I'll clean up in the morning. Your things are in the room at the end of the hall. Everything you need should be there. Please excuse me. Goodnight, Alexander."
Hephaistion stumbled from his chair even before all the words had tumbled from his mouth or Alexander had a chance to respond, his mind reeling and the blood pumping frantically in his ears. His eyes stung sharply with burning tears and it became difficult for him to breathe when he finally reached his room. Leaning on the door to shut it, he let his body slide down to the floor, sitting still, overwhelmed, until he gave in to the sobs that overpowered his throat.
Cleitus dead? How was that possible? And why did that fact leave him sobbing with remorse, his body wracked with pain and his chest aching? He suddenly heard footsteps in the hall and he clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle the noise he was having trouble containing.
"Hephaistion?" Alexander's voice said softly. "Phai, my love, can you not even seek my comfort for a tragedy such as this? Please, Phai ... I want only to help you. My heart aches with the pain I know you're feeling ... Phai?"
When Alexander finally gave up and returned to his room, Hephaistion slowly lifted himself from the floor and staggered to his bed, throwing himself unceremoniously onto the cover and burying his head in the pillow.
Such a weak reaction, such an unnecessary and irrational thing for a life-long warrior to allow. He was a soldier no longer, but the years of containing such emotions and reactions should still be with him, should they not? Had he given up his internal strength and armor at the same time he had left behind the exterior?
Moving to his side and bringing his knees to his chest, he reflected on his true feelings for the black-eyed general. Certainly he had been aware of the love he felt for the man, but he surely had not expected such a feeling of complete loss at his passing. He did not remember even feeling such pain after his own father had passed on.
He shifted his body so his face turned into the pillow again. The bed creaked and for a moment he held his breath. He worried that Alexander would hear him moving about and again try to reach him.
Alexander. The mere thought of his beloved brought to life more pain within Hephaistion. He yearned to be in Alexander's arms, yearned to let the man who haunted his thoughts both night and day, back into his heart. And now ... with Cleitus ... it reaffirmed that life was fragile and short, but the torture of being forced to let Alexander leave again simply overpowered Hephaistion. It made him cower deeper into his bed and his thoughts.
And what had the man meant by giving up his birthright anyhow?
*****
"Joy to you, Hephaistion." Alexander's voice broke the longhaired general from his sleepy daze upon exiting his room.
"Joy to you, Alexander," he replied, stretching his tired body. He had not slept much, his thoughts revolving around Cleitus and Alexander all night. He'd come to no conclusions about what to do about his beloved, who stood smiling at him in the early morning light. No conclusions at all.
"You are up early," Hephaistion said, as he made his way to the jug of water and poured himself a cup. "Did you not sleep well?"
"I slept well, thank you. I want to apologize ..."
"Not necessary. Upon reflection, I realize the news was not easy to reveal and I am sorry you had to be the one who brought it to me."
Alexander's smile faded and he titled his head slightly. "You're not happy that I came personally then?"
"I mean, I'm not happy that you had to be the one to tell me such horrors as you did. Of course I'm happy you're here, Alexander."
The blond-haired man opened his mouth to speak but Hephaistion cut him off. "I'd best be getting to my chores, then. Please do as you like. My home is yours."
"Do you not have someone helping you, Phai? What's become of the caretaker you've always spoken so highly of?"
"He's still here on occasion, but he's getting on in years and I save the bigger tasks for myself."
"Then I mean to help you, of course."
Hephaistion chuckled and turned towards his beloved. "I do not expect nor wish to dirty your hands, Alexander. It's not easy or enjoyable work. And you are my guest."
"Are you saying I wouldn't know how to do an honest day's work, Phai?" Alexander teased. "I've run a kingdom with more than a few men under my control, so I believe I can handle a few horses and some chickens."
Smiling widely, Hephaistion shifted his feet and tipped his head towards the door. "Let's go then, my King ... I mean, my beloved."
*****
The day was long and hot and very satisfying for both men. Alexander was happy to simply be beside his beloved, working hard and feeling fulfilled with a good day's work. Hephaistion was also happy for the same reasons, but with the added thankfulness that Alexander had not tried to bring up any personal issues with him. Cleitus had entered the day's conversation, but only in the context of some of the things the man would always be remembered for.
When the men halted their work for an apple from Hephaistion's own trees and a cup of water, Alexander led him back to the house. "I have something for you, Phai," he said, wrapping one arm around the man. "It was Cleitus' last wish."
"He didn't die right away?"
"No. But he did not suffer long and his one last request was for you to have something very special to him."
Leaving Hephaistion in the dining area of the house, Alexander returned to his room and brought back a silken bag. "This was a gift from my father to Cleitus and he cherished it always. His final words were for you to have it because he loved you."
Hephaistion dropped down into a chair, his heart racing and tears threatening to erupt from his eyes. "His dagger?" he whispered, holding and stroking the precious item in his hands. "He was never without it. I remember it well, but I believe you should have it, Alexander, since it was a gift from your father."
"No, Phai. He was very clear that you had brought something special into his life and he wanted to return the favor."
Hephaistion lowered his head, his vision blurring as the threatening tears erupted from his eyes. He hated the emotion that poured from him, hated it almost as much as the yearning in his heart for Alexander to take him in his arms and hold him until the pain went away. And suddenly, his beloved did just that.
"I'm sorry, Phai," Alexander whispered into the strong chest as he knelt before his love and wrapped his arms tightly around him. "He was a great man and he shall never be forgotten by anyone who knew him. He loved you, and so do I ... with all my heart."
"Please Alexander, don't!" Hephaistion reared up from his chair, knocking the man to the ground in his haste. "Please do not whisper words of love to me. I cannot ... I will not let my heart yearn for you. I cannot allow myself to go through that again, and I beg you to not make me do so."
The former general strode determinedly towards the door, leaving an open-mouthed Alexander in his wake, only the words, "I'm not King anymore, Phai," stopping him dead in his tracks. "I've given up my title. I'll not be breaking your heart again. I'm here to give you all of me, if you'll have me."
"What?" Hephaistion cried out. "You've done what ... you've come to give me ... what?"
"It's true, love. I am merely a humble man, now. A humble man looking for another chance with the beloved who still holds his heart and always has."
Hephaistion shook his head, his hands going into his hair and massaging his scalp. "I don't understand ... I can't ... I can't deal with this right now, Alexander. I'm sorry." Then he was gone.
*****
Alexander sat down heavily on the chair that Hephaistion had just vacated. He had expected his beloved to react to his declaration of freedom in a less dramatic way, and he certainly had not expected the man to leave him sitting by himself as he rushed off. Perhaps Hephaistion had been sending him telling signs since he had arrived: the lack of physical contact, the unwillingness to express any emotions, the separate beds.
Had Alexander arrived too late to reclaim the man's heart, to reclaim that which he wanted so badly, that which he had sullied with his unintentional inattentiveness? And had it been unintentional at all? How many times, and by how many Persians and Greeks, as well, had he been told that kings should not be bedding their soldiers and least of all, their generals? Had his behavior stemmed from the comments and advices of those who wished to see him become a better king, or those who wished to see him falter without Hephaistion's unconditional support?
He had lied to Hephaistion, and though he regretted doing so, he also could not bring himself to tell the man how Cleitus had suffered in those days when he hung between life and death. How the black-eyed general had cried out from the pain, and begged Alexander, and anyone else who would listen, to kill him and end the torture he was experiencing. He'd been coherent in between bouts of agony, and had indeed spoken warmly and lovingly about Hephaistion, admitting he'd loved the man as much more than just a friend and son, and bestowing his most prized possession on him.
But where Cleitus had had words of love and admiration for Hephaistion, he'd had only words of distain and disappointment for Alexander. He spoke of the betrayal and injustice that the king had put upon the man he claimed to love. He whispered that Alexander was a fool and an idiot. He accused him of using his wine consumption to avoid the true feelings he had for Hephaistion, using the wine to make it easier to set the longhaired general aside. He knew about the ramblings in the palace, whispers of how disgraceful it was for a king to be bedding his general, and he told Alexander he knew the gossiping had everything to do with the King's mistreatment of Hephaistion.
Cleitus accused him of choosing the words of men who did not even respect him over the love and loyalty of a man he had known and loved since boyhood. Some of his delirious rants became about Philip and Cleitus' love for him, then changed quickly back to Hephaistion, the change in rants sometimes lasting for hours.
With each passing day, Cleitus experienced more pain and more delusions, and was less and less coherent, until Alexander had decided that he must be the one to end the general's misery. It had to be him and no one else. On that final day, as he held Cleitus' own dagger in his hands, the room clear of anyone else, the general's eyes had opened for the last time and the familiar blackness became clear and more focused than it had been in days. He smiled at Alexander, a smile that was devoid of pain and even sadness, and motioned the King closer.
"Choose him above all else, Alexander, for he is your destiny and your dream. Choose him." Then he was gone. Alexander had slumped his head upon the broad chest and cried. He cried for the first time since Hephaistion had left. He cried for Cleitus, and Hephaistion, and for all the men he had lost in the sudden attack, and all the men he had lost in battle. He cried for his dead father and his conniving mother, but most of all, he cried for himself.
Ptolemy had pulled him from Cleitus' dead body and settled him into his own room, pouring him a cup of wine, which Alexander quickly set aside. His mind had worked and toiled and schemed for days until it was finally clear what he would do, what he must do, then suddenly his body ached no more and his heart beat with a new found hope. He would be Alexander, lover of Hephaistion, not Alexander the king, and that realization brought new life into the man who had surely been broken for some time. He had found himself smiling for the first time in a very long while.
*****
"Hephaistion! Hephaistion, are you here?"
A woman's voice broke Alexander from his thoughts and he looked up into the startling green eyes of a young lady who was looking questioningly back at him.
"Oh pardon me, sir," she said softly, beginning to back out of the room again. "I was looking for Hephaistion. Do you know where he might be? I checked the barns and the places he would normally go at this time of the day, but have not found him yet."
Alexander stumbled for words, rising from his chair and examining the creature in front of him. She was beautiful and young and refreshing, and brought an air of exuberance into the room. "I'm not sure where he went but I welcome you to wait here, as I do not believe he will be gone long."
The woman frowned slightly. "I came to tell Hephaistion that my grandfather is not feeling well and won't be coming 'round today. And I made him some fresh bread for his supper tonight."
It was Alexander's turn to frown. "You know Hephaistion well then?"
"Oh yes, we'll be married one day."
"Married?"
"Hephaistion will make a very good husband, don't you think? Who exactly are you, again?
Alexander shook his head, clearing his brain from the tumbling questions circling his mind. He was still unaccustomed to such casual forwardness, and most especially from a woman, but he soldiered on. "My apologies, my lady. I am ... Alexander. Hephaistion and I are old boyhood friends. And you are?"
"I'm Cassandra. My father is the caretaker here, or at least he was until Hephaistion came back."
The manner in which she kept saying Hephaistion's name made Alexander's skin crawl and his heart ache. She spoke of him with such familiarity and love that he had but one question that whirled through his mind. "Did you say you were getting married?"
"Yes."
His mouth hanging open in a rude manner, Alexander continued his inquisition. "Do you also reside here then?"
"No. Not yet. But once we are married, I will become the lady of the house and will undoubtedly move my grandfather back in as well. He thinks of Hephaistion as a son so the arrangement will be most satisfying to everyone."
Alexander tilted his head, his mind suddenly throbbing with his confusion. "He is courting you then? You've spent time alone?"
"Of course. He is my intended. Now would you be so kind as to give this to him? I told my grandfather I would not be long since he is not well. Good day to you, Alexander."
Alexander took the bread and threw himself back into his chair. By the gods, he was too late.
