Chapter 6
Lorne stared at the marker that blinked repeatedly at the end of his latest review of the Genii intelligence on the Wraith. It was part of his duties to compile the report for Earth along with the proper reservations. Later he would send it to Sheppard and Carter for inspection before forwarding it to Earth on the next outgoing data-burst. But his mind was not on the report he was due to pass forward to Sheppard, but on Sheppard himself.
He had crossed the line. He took the initiative to seduce Sheppard, knowing that he shouldn't, and he had finally crossed the line. Now the tower of cards he built himself as a sense of security was collapsing, his denial, his ability to resist, the very will to do so.
He no longer had the motivation to fight his attraction to Sheppard. And he could no longer pretend that it was only attraction and not what it really was. He could no longer deny that he was in love with Sheppard. He was afraid that the next time they would be alone together he wouldn't be able to play the friendly touches game. He would go for the real thing, kiss Sheppard and proceed to do whatever he'd be allowed: suck Sheppard off, allow Sheppard to fuck him, anything.
He was tired of fighting, tired of pretending. But he didn't want to leave Atlantis, and he didn't want to leave Sheppard. He knew that he had no choice. At some point he would have to request reassignment before both their feelings would put the city at risk, if they hadn't already, and prevent them from doing their jobs. Before Sheppard realized that Lorne was also in love with him.
Sheppard didn't know. Lorne knew it because he knew what it felt like to be in love with a fellow officer. You never expect a straight man to understand that he's been hit on, or to reciprocate, so you prefer to watch out for your own reactions for fear of being too obvious to anyone else instead. And sometimes it's just that you'd rather believe in that illusion than bother watching out.
At the Air Force Academy Lorne had a thing for his tent mate for basic cadet training, an officer named Morrison. Whenever they were around each other Lorne was too busy trading carefully and holding himself in check to see it until Morrison cornered him and told him that he knew, that he noticed. Lorne never could pinpoint when Morrison began to notice but Morrison was fine with it, and continued being Lorne's friend until they graduated from the Academy.
"Evan."
Lorne looked up in surprise. No one called him Evan on Atlantis except Major Marks when the Deadalus was in the city, who was Lorne's friend for a long time. The only other person who called him by his first name was Sheppard when he was practically feinting with fatigue.
Lorne looked up to see Zelenka standing at the entrance to his office. He was dressed in sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt, and was wearing sandals on his feet. He was obviously not working at the moment, though he still had his earpiece on as required.
"Doc. What are you doing here so late in the night?" The truth was it was half an hour before dawn. Lorne had taken to working at night since the incident on the balcony two weeks ago, and when he worked during the day he did so from a remote terminal in Zelenka's lab. Zelenka assured him that he didn't mind, and was glad for the company and the availability of a gene carrier.
Lorne was outright avoiding Sheppard without regards of the consequences. So far no one had noticed, especially since he had spent eight days off-world the morning after painting Sheppard's portrait securing a peace treaty.
"How long do you plan to keep this up?" Zelenka asked, moving to crouch next to Lorne's chair.
Lorne looked down at him, confused. "Keep what up?"
"Evan, we're friends. We may not be as close as Rodney and Colonel Sheppard are, but I consider you a close friend nonetheless," Zelenka took off his glasses and looked at Lorne with tired eyes. Without his glasses he seemed vulnerable and painfully honest.
"Thank-" Lorne was about to return the sentiment when Zelenka's hand rose up to stop him.
"You're in love with Colonel Sheppard, and he's in love with you. How long are you going to keep hiding from him?" Zelenka asked plainly.
Lorne gaped at him, speechless and frightened. His mind conjured all sorts of arguments to deny that simple truth, but each was weaker than the other.
"I have eyes, you know. And I had a conversation with Teyla, whose eyes are not clouded by Earth's social norms. It's not clear at all, if that's what you're worried about. It took me a very long time to put the pieces together and some help from an outside source," Zelenka hurried to reassure him. "I won't tell anyone," he promised quietly, when Lorne continued to gape. Lorne slowly leaned back in his chair, breathing once again.
"But right now you're being very conspicuous, you know. How long do you think it'll take Colonel Sheppard to notice that you've been working at night? That you're always in my lab and never at the office? He would want answers," Zalanka said gently, his long-fingered hand covering Lorne's.
Lorne rubbed his other hand over his tired face. It was already 0800 and he was working since 0100. He was tired, mentally and physically. "And what am I supposed to do, Radek? Let it happen? I can't deny it any longer. It's out of control. This is the only solution I could think of, the only one I have left here," Lorne said. "It's this or reassignment," he added quietly.
Zelenka seemed taken aback by the last bit of Lorne's words "It doesn't have to be this way," he said.
"If not this way, then we'd be risking the safety of Atlantis and I'd ruin my career along with Sheppard's. He doesn't deserve that and I don't want it to happen," Lorne replied wearily.
"Do you want to leave?"
"Of course not. The last time we left it was horrible, but continuing as we are now would mean-"
"It would mean that you and Colonel Sheppard would both be miserable and alone, when you could be happy together," Zelenka cut him off.
"Will we be happy together, Radek? Let's pretend for a crazy moment that Sheppard and I are together and staying in Atlantis. What happens when his luck will finally run out? What will happen when he'll be forced to order me to leave him to die on a Wraith hive about to crash or at the hands of some vengeful natives on some god forsaken planet? Will we be happy then?" Lorne asked bitterly. That was a part of the reason they put in place the fraternization regulations. He had no idea what would happen if he would ever be ordered to do something like that.
Of course, that wasn't the issue. Their careers would be doomed long before that, and Atlantis could be in serious danger if either of them is crippled by emotions and can't perform his duty.
Zelenka looked at him with his uncovered, frank eyes. "Do you really think that if he was to die now it would hurt less than if you resisted and didn't allow this bond to happen?" Zelenka asked quietly.
Lorne knew that it would hurt no matter where he'd be or what he'd do. "No. But that wasn't the question. The question was the safety of Atlantis and our ability to perform our duties if the fate of the person we love is hanging in the balance," Lorne corrected tiredly. He felt drained and without strength to even argue his point across.
"Evan," Zelenka's hand squeezed his until Lorne looked at him. "The fate of the person you love is already at the balance every day, and Atlantis still stands. You don't need to be with Colonel Sheppard to love him, just like he doesn't need to be with you to love you," Zelenka said softly.
Lorne knew it. He knew it, now that Zelenka had said it, but at the moment he was so confused and so weary that he had no idea what he should do. He put his head on the table and closed his tired eyes while Zelenka's gentle hands rubbed soothing circles on his back.
####
Zelenak's words were like a prophecy.
Zelenka managed to get Lorne to go back to his quarters and sleep, eventually. Lorne was so tired that he fell asleep as soon as his body was completely horizontal, without even bothering taking off his clothes or boots. When he woke up next, it was already well past breakfast.
He took a quick shower, shaved, changed and headed for one of the practice rooms where he was supposed meet with several of the international marines who wanted to learn Jaffa combat techniques. He was almost late as it was so he simply drank a cup of herbal tea to refresh himself and jugged all the way to his destination as warm-up.
González, Schröder, Arnault and Fuwa were already there, chatting amiably amongst themselves and doing some lazy warm-up. They all smiled at Lorne when they saw him.
"Good afternoon, sir," Fuwa greeted, smiling at him. Lorne smiled back.
"Good afternoon, gentlemen. How was the patrol yesterday, Schröder?" Lorne inquired. He always made it a point to ask after the international military members, who weren't a part of Stargate operations before coming to Atlantis.
"Uneventful, sir. Lucky me, huh?" Schröder replied, smiling.
"That's good to hear," Lorne took out a long staff from the barrel at the far corner of the room, the last that remained as the other four were already in the hands of the marines, and stood ready on the mattress.
"Okay. Let's start by repeating what we've learned the last time, about using both ends of your staff in one fluent motion to stop an approaching opponent. Arnault, you're up," Lorne twisted his staff a few times in his hands to get his wrists accustomed to the motion until Arnault came to stand before him.
"Remember: fluent motions, you use the momentum of your first-" Lorne turned back when he heard the unique hydraulic sound of the door opening, and went silent.
"Everyone out, now!" Sheppard was standing in the doorway, a crystal similar to that of the door controls in his hand and an ominous expression on his face.
The marines, surprised and unsure, looked at Lorne nervously. "Okay. I'll repeat that so that it'll be clear. Everyone out, now, or you'll all be court-martialed for disobeying a direct order!" Sheppard growled, voice tight and harsh and rising in his anger.
The four marines hurried out of the room, and Sheppard slammed his fist against the crystals inside the room to get the door to close after them. Lorne was sure that if this was an ordinary door, it would've been slammed shut so hard it would fall apart, Sheppard looked that angry.
Sheppard threw the crystal in his hand to the floor carelessly and advanced towards Lorne, snagging two short Athosian Banto rods from the barrel by the door on his way. Lorne felt a shudder go down his back, and took a step backwards. Sheppard's expression was so dark and dangerous he looked like there was a cloud hanging over him.
Sheppard was as quick as lightning, stepping up to Lorne and with one forceful blow knocking the staff out of his hand. The next thing Lorne knew his world was spinning and he found himself lying on his back with Sheppard's rods crossed over his throat. Sheppard himself was straddling Lorne's chest, his eyes boring intensely into Lorne's.
"I've had enough. Now tell me what the hell is going on with you!" Sheppard's voice was low and rough, his face only mere inches from Lorne's.
"What?" Lorne asked, confused.
Sheppard's eyes flashed and his lips pulled back on his teeth. "Don't play games with me, Major, I'm not in the mood," he growled. "What the hell is going on with you? Ever since you returned from M2N-856 I haven't seen you set foot in the office. I know that you've been working from Zelenka's lab and I thought that it's temporary, that you simply felt like it. But that doesn't explain why I'm receiving emails from you in the middle of the damn night!" Sheppard accused, breathing hard in Lorne's face.
Lorne's eyes widened. With Zelenka distracting him last night, he accidentally sent his intelligence report to Sheppard and Carter. He never sent anything in the middle of the night because their exchange server displayed the hour in which letters were sent and received.
Sheppard looked at Lorne with rapt attention, and Lorne knew he saw the understanding dawning in Lorne's eyes. "Yeah. That's right. Did you think I wouldn't notice? That I wouldn't notice that you're avoiding me like a plague? Now tell me what the hell I've done to deserve this treatment!" Sheppard demanded.
Lorne swallowed and looked down. He had no chance to throw Sheppard away. Sheppard followed his gaze, and was grim and determined when Lorne looked back up into his eyes. "I will get an answer from you today, Lorne," he clarified, stressing his words by leaning on the crossed rods. They weren't pressing Lorne's throat directly, simply keeping him in place, and he was grateful for that.
Lorne was quiet. He knew this moment would come, and he knew he needed to tell Sheppard everything that had happened from the time they fell asleep in the Jumper together onwards. But he still had no idea how to do it. He wished that Sheppard would have the sense to connect the events of the night Lorne drew Sheppard's portrait and now so that he wouldn't have to explain everything, but the mission to M2N-856 was long and got in the way of the sequence of events.
"I have no problems whatsoever staying here for the rest of the day, Lorne. No one will interrupt us because I took out the control crystal from the other side of the door. Now you can either tell me what your problem with me is or we can stare at each other until they come looking for us," Sheppard threatened.
Lorne sighed. The time was now. Never wasn't really an option.
"It happened after you rescued me from MT7-233," Lorne began, looking into Sheppard's eyes. Sheppard's face remained unchanged but his eyes showed dismay when Lorne began talking. "You were practically falling off your feet with fatigue. We went to sleep together, alone in the forward section, and I had a nightmare. I woke up, and you must've slept close enough that my waking up caused you to wake up as well.
"You were still half asleep. You asked me what was wrong, I told you I had a nightmare. Then you hugged me from behind, kissed my neck and told me that I'm safe in your arms because you would never let anything happen to me," Lorne said. "You called my name twice," he added, to prevent the upcoming denial session.
When he started his recollection the crease between Sheppard's brows deepened, but as he finished and Sheppard's eyes widened with shock it disappeared entirely.
Sheppard's face blenched and his eyes were full of barely-contained panic. "I…" he started, and swallowed hard. Lorne could see his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "I see…" Sheppard said dazedly, starting to withdraw and removing the pressure that kept Lorne in place almost as if burned.
Lorne's temper suddenly flared. "Do you?" he asked sharply, catching Sheppard's hands and forcing them to still, forcing Sheppard to remain as he was before, restraining Lorne. Sheppard looked at him, frightened and apprehended. It was unbecoming of him, but Lorne didn't really care at the moment. Sheppard claimed he understood. It was a figure of speech, but it was so wrong that it made Lorne's reason disappear.
"You don't see, that's the problem!" Lorne said, voice rising. "You're so busy worrying about me not knowing that you have a crush on me that you don't even see that not only I already know and don't have a problem with it, I want you as equally as you want me! And this is only the intro to 'what I have a problem with'!" Lorne's voice rose in anger and he pushed Sheppard's wrists back until Sheppard rolled away from him and landed on his back on the mattress.
Sheppard sat back up and stared at Lorne, stunned. Lorne sat up as well, took a deep breath to calm himself down, and returned a look for a look.
"So you're doing it both ways?" Sheppard asked eventually, disbelieving.
Lorne gave a bitter bark of laughter. "Me? No, I'm corrupted all the way," he said.
Sheppard was silent for a long time, looking down at the mattress. Lorne knew that he was now looking at the past months with a new understanding of things. He had no idea what to say next, out of all the things he wanted to, so he remained quiet as well.
Eventually Sheppard looked up, his brow creased once more. "If we're on the same page here," he began slowly, finger moving bach and forth between the two of them, "How come we're not having wild sex right now? Or for the last three months, for that matter?" Sheppard asked.
Lorne looked at him, feeling resentful and sullen. "Because you're my commanding officer, sir," he stressed. "I don't want to compromise the safety of Atlantis if I'm unable to perform my duties because of my feelings for you, and I don't want to ruin either of our careers."
Sheppard looked at him with eyes that had gone narrow all of a sudden. "This is why you've been acting strange lately? Because you want me but you're afraid that us being together would put Atlantis in danger?" Sheppard echoed.
"Yes," Lorne confirmed.
"That's absurd!" Sheppard said hotly.
"Is it?" Lorne asked, equally enraged. "I can't guarantee that I would do my best to protect the city if I'm with you and your life is at stake. I simply can't guarantee it!" he spat hotly.
Sheppard's face darkened. "Then you might as well quit now because if you were honest about wanting me then being with me or not won't change the way you feel. Either way you're compromising the city!"
"Don't think I haven't thought of that either!" Lorne shouted back, angry at hearing Zelenka's words coming out of Sheppard's mouth and angry at the truth in them.
Sheppard's back straightened and his expression turned hard. "I will fight you every step of the way," he promised lowly.
"Even if that's what I want?" Lorne retorted.
"But. It. Isn't," Sheppard asserted. His eyes bore into Lorne's and eventually Lorne nodded. Sheppard then adopted a stubborn tilt to his chin and a determined light to his eyes.
"We'll simply have to set a few ground rules," he said, still sharp but calmer. "I would never be able to live with myself if you'd choose my life over saving the city, no matter what the outcome is in the end is. I fully expect you to follow my every command when we're on duty, and I fully expect you to make the rational and right choices in situations where my life is at stake. Not because it's the way we should be acting but because I could never live with myself otherwise," Sheppard stressed. They got up and were standing close together, staring each other down.
"I can't promise I'd do the right, or humane, thing every time. If I'd have to choose between your life and that of, say, two villagers I would choose you. Not only because I have feelings for you but also because you are an invaluable, irreplaceable asset to Atlantis. Can you live with me making such decisions? Based on such considerations? Because these are the sort of things I would take into account when forced to make a choice, and that includes my feelings." Lorne challenged.
It was true. This was the decision he would make if he would have to choose. He had no sacrificial tendencies like Sheppard had, and he couldn't shake his feelings entirely, no matter how hard he'd try. If it was humanly possible, he wasn't built for it.
Sheppard didn't even appear to be considering this. "As long as you'll remember that my primary goal in Atlantis is to keep it up and running and protected, at all costs, I'm fine with whatever decision you'll make," he said finally. "And if you need an incentive, think about how you would feel if I'd choose to save you over preventing the Wraith from overrunning the infirmary or the mess hall," he added nastily. Lorne frowned and looked down, knowing that he would rather kill himself than be the reason his people were dead.
"I'll remember that," he said, subdued. They were both in a similar position and they both went through the same things, so on a certain level Lorne could relate to Sheppard's feelings. He only hoped that when the time comes he would be able to do so.
He suddenly realized that he and Sheppard were negotiating the terms of their relationship. "Wait a minute. So suppose that we can find a way to keep Atlantis safe. What about our careers? I know that you're still amazed that you made it past Captain and I signed for the military and sacrificed any personal life I could have had to be where I am now. Acting upon this crush of ours and it's all over. I don't want to leave Atlantis and I know that you don't either, but if this is discovered we'll both be forced to! This is not just a homosexual relationship but fraternization as well!" he argued, his anger back. It wasn't fair, standing and talking about things that could never happen.
Sheppard stepped into his personal space, threatening and angry. "This is not a 'crush'," he spat the words at Lorne, voice low and intense.
"Then what is it?" Lorne demanded, looking straight into Sheppard's eyes, so close to his own he could see a pattern on his irises.
Sheppard held his gaze for a moment before looking sideways. Lorne knew that this would happen, knew that Sheppard didn't do feelings, but couldn't help but feel crushing disappointment nevertheless.
He was about to talk, to reprove Sheppard about the stupidity in this entire discussion, when Sheppard turned back to him and his eyes sought Lorne's. Sheppard's expression was unreadable but his entire body fidgeted and he seemed uncomfortable in his own skin.
He continued regardless. "I love you," Sheppard said in a guarded voice, shocking Lorne to the core. Lorne knew that this was one of very few times Sheppard would ever say those words aloud, and a part of him felt crazy elation at the knowledge. Sheppard looked embarrassed and cleared his throat before speaking again. "As for my career, I think that this is a decision only I can make, and I've already made it. The real question is whether you're willing to make the same one," he said, calmer.
It was Lorne's turn to bow his head, though he could still see Sheppard in his peripheral vision. Being handed what he wanted wasn't something Lorne encountered a lot during his military service. And being given permission to have this amazing man was nothing short of a miracle. The only thing that stood in the way was Lorne's integrity, and he wasn't sure he was such an honorable man.
"Do you really want the two of us to spend the rest of whatever time we have left here in Atlantis – which could be a very long period of time – avoiding each other and wanting each other without ever having what we want?" Sheppard asked.
"And do you really want to have a relationship where you're always sneaking around, afraid to get caught, always looking over your shoulder and always wondering if someone might have noticed?" Lorne countered. Sheppard was not gay. He was bi with an obvious preference to women. He didn't know the rules of the military closet.
Sheppard looked at Lorne steadily. "I know what it'll be like. And I know what it can cost me. I'm willing to pay that price. You still haven't told me whether you're willing to as well," he said calmly.
Lorne had no doubt that he was too. Once again, falling in love with Sheppard was the easiest thing in the world.
Lorne knew Sheppard. He was stubborn and consistent. If he said that he was willing to risk his own career to be with Lorne, then even Lorne's refusal to his offer wouldn't make him take it back. It wasn't like Lorne's refusal could help him protect Sheppard. And both Zelenka and Sheppard were right. Already in love, Lorne's actions and feelings would remain the same whether he's with Sheppard or not.
And as for his career? It's all down the hill from here. He'd peaked. Leaving here… he'd been through it once when the Ancients returned to reclaim their city and had no desire to go through it again.
Lorne took a deep breath, about to break rules and ignore regulations he firmly believed in for a chance to have what Sheppard was offering to give him. He knew that there were countless of arguments against doing what he was about to do, and he knew that he already knew all of them, but right now he couldn't remember even a single one.
"I'm willing," Lorne looked straight into Sheppard's eyes and saw them lighting up when Sheppard smiled.
Sheppard stepped back, smiling warmly at him. "Good," he said happily, beaming at Lorne. Lorne expected to be jumped at, but Sheppard simply looked as happy as if he'd just discovered a stash of big Ancient space guns under his bed. "Come to my quarters tonight, if there's no emergency, at…" he glanced at his chronometer, "2530? We'll have a beer, watch a movie and start off nice and slow. I'll even make a salad," he added temptingly.
Lorne simply stared at him, confused. He was expecting to be out of his clothes and rolling on the mattress with Sheppard by now. Making such moderated plans was a surprise.
Sheppard's smile died and his face turned serious. "You're not my fuck-buddy, Lorne. I don't want to treat you like one," he said.
Lorne had no doubt that he wasn't a fuck-buddy. But the fact that Sheppard was aware of his own reputation and wanted to make this relationship different already made him feel special and filled him with warmth.
"Evan," Lorne said, smiling.
Now it was Sheppard's turn to look confused. "What?"
"Evan. My name is Evan. When we're alone call me by my name," Lorne explained.
Sheppard smiled once again, body relaxing and a cocky expression crossing his face. Lorne wondered how he could look like he hadn't a doubt in the world that Lorne would say yes, when Lorne himself had every intention of refusing. "Okay. Evan," he said, the name rolling from his lips with an almost unnatural confidence. "My quarters at 2530?"
Lorne nodded. "I'm looking forward to the salad," he replied.
Sheppard merely grinned and turned away. He picked up the crystal he had discarded at the beginning of their conversation, opened the door and replaced it in its proper slot. Then, with a final smile at Lorne, he walked away.
Lorne slide down the wall to sit on the mattress amongst the scattered rods. He wondered whether he'd just won the greatest prize or made the worst mistake of his life. He needed time to think things through, and he had plenty of it until 2530.
####
Lorne left his quarters and stood in the hallway for a second, taking a deep breath. He had showered, shaved, was dressed in a dark black-blue jeans and a blue polo shirt, and had a feeling that it said 'first date' on his forehead. He wasn't nervous, but he was uncertain. He had no idea what a date with John Sheppard would be like, though beer and a movie and even a salad seemed like a nice start.
In the end, it didn't matter what happened with Atlantis. They would both give their lives away to protect the city and its occupants, even if Lorne would think twice about sacrificing himself or Sheppard over anything else. And it didn't matter what happened with their careers as well. Lorne was already thinking of reassignment, so it would be over either way. Being on the Atlantis expedition was the height of anyone's career. Being anywhere else would never be the same.
If he would have had a week to think about it, he would have still chosen to be with the man he loved over any other alternative. He had a life here, and he had a chance for love here. Refusing that love would end his career just as accepting that love could. If his career is over, he at least wanted to have Sheppard by his side.
Even from a rational point of view, he had little options. If he refused, he would be the one forced to leave. He would never try to strip Sheppard of his command and even if he would, Sheppard's record spoke volumes for his alleged heterosexuality. Lorne's – not nearly as loud.
He was lucky, he figured, that his only option was also the option he wanted most.
Lorne walked down to hallway to Sheppard's door and hit the crystal to ring the bell.
Sheppard answered the door with cream-colored cargo pants and a gray-green t-shirt. His hair was still damp from the shower but also still as messy as ever, and his feet were bare. He smiled broadly at Lorne and gestured with his hand for him to come in, closing the door after him.
"Hi, Evan," Sheppard said warmly, smiling a boyish, almost shy smile and moving towards Lorne. He placed a hand on Lorne's hip and dropped a chaste kiss on Lorne's cheek. It was short enough that by the time Lorne realized what was happening it was over, but long enough that the sensation of Sheppard's soft lips burned at his skin and the smell of Sheppard's aftershave tickled his nose.
Lorne smiled. It was endearing, in a way, to see Sheppard go to such length to take this slow. He placed his hand on Sheppard's shoulder when Sheppard began to draw away and kissed Sheppard's prickling cheek in return. "Hello, John" he said against Sheppard's skin, more at ease than he was when he came in.
It was a reaffirmation of their earlier conversation. They were both here because they felt the same thing for the other, and were willing to give up the same things for the other.
Sheppard's smile turned more confident. He turned from Lorne and gestured at his room. "Welcome to my humble home," he announced, and Lorne took stock of it. The bed was narrow, the kind that most of the original expedition members got used to sleeping on, and surprisingly tidy under the open window. Right above it was a strange Ancient metal pattern in brown that held Sheppard's battered War and Peace copy and a few Time and Popular Mechanics magazines. The elongate bedside table hosted a lamp, a little model of an airplane and a jug of water. Above it was a Johnny Cash poster, the famous one with Cash in black and holding his guitar.
"It's not unlike mine, you know. Minus the strange Ancient thing over the bed," Lorne commented while Sheppard padded over to the fridge, took out a bottle of Budweiser and offered it to Lorne. Lorne accepted with a smile. His fridge was always stocked with foreign beer, but he did American when needed to.
"Yeah, I kinda figured it was nice. Unique," Sheppard said. He waved his hand at a chair and returned to what he did before Lorne knocked, which was cutting a salad out of local vegetables. When he saw Lorne's raised eyebrows he smiled and waved the knife.
"Watch and learn, kitchen disaster," Sheppard teased, cutting into a red pineapple-like vegetable called Malis with surprising skill.
"So I'm dating a closet chef?" Lorne teased, leaning against the counter close to Sheppard instead of sitting in the offered chair.
"I don't burn the house down trying to make scrambled eggs, if that's what you mean," Sheppard shrugged, casting the red pieces into a large glass bowl.
Lorne chuckled. "Well, I do, so keep me away from those," he waved his bottle at Sheppard's impromptu kitchen, and turned to look at Sheppard's table, where his laptop was standing ready with a CD case filled with movies.
"Well, I guess it's good that you have other redeeming qualities then," Sheppard said slyly, proceeding to peal the skin off of the intricate body of a big chunk of Vigan.
"You mean other than the incredible foot massage I can give?"
Sheppard looked up at him, an uncomfortable smile adoring his face. "You have no idea what that massage did to me," he confessed. Lorne simply grinned.
"I know exactly what it did to you. It's you that has no idea what I later did in my room because of you," Lorne countered him. Sheppard's eyes lit up with interest and his smile turned smug.
"I'll have you telling me all about it later," he promised. Lorne was sure he would.
This was nice, Lorne decided. Calm, ordinary, with just the barest hint of sexual tension. Lorne had had worse than this. But as nice as it was, he needed to know something.
"John, since when are you in love with me?" Lorne asked. He wanted to ask something like 'why do you love me', but he knew who he was dealing with and knew that it would embarrass Sheppard. He didn't want their first date to be awkward when it started so pleasant.
Sheppard stopped what he was doing and stared at the cutting board for a minute, deep in thoughts. He then turned to Lorne fully, looking into his eyes. He had a serious expression on his face, and Lorne was more curious than ever.
"I found your dog tags on the desk at the office one day. Do you remember coming back to the office and finding me with your tags in my hand? Your chain snapped so you went to your room to get a new one," Sheppard looked at Lorne, waiting.
"Yeah. I remember. I was at the office alone but when I returned you were there as well," Lorne said, remembering. It was such an insignificant event, and occurred well over half a year ago, that Lorne wondered why Sheppard was bringing it up now.
"Yeah. Your tags…" Sheppard hesitated, "They looked exactly as they did when we found them on a burned Genii body after you were kidnapped. Made me think of how I thought you'd died. But it wasn't the same as then." Sheppard broke away from Lorne's gaze and rubbed his hand awkwardly over his nape. "It's stupid, I know. But it made me think about you and…" he shrugged, uncomfortable.
Lorne smiled. He got his answer, and it was a damn good one. He didn't want to push his luck. Looking at the wall behind Sheppard's desk, he spotted the portrait he drew of Sheppard.
"Liked the portrait?" he asked, casually. A change of topic would get Sheppard to relax once more. They were supposed to take this slow.
Sheppard looked at him, dismayed. He then looked at the portrait and a half-smile tugged at his lips. His body relaxed once more. "Actually, I do. I always thought that I would look funny or not like myself, but… this portrait is very good. I can see myself in it," he said enthusiastically, picking another chunk of Vigan and chopping it into the bowl.
Lorne smirked. "I got to say, I think that's the best payment I've ever received on a single portrait," he teased, taking a gulp of beer.
Sheppard's back went straight with smug pride. Lorne would have to get used to it, he supposed. Or maybe he already had.
"Did you finish that painting of Atlantis you were working on?" Sheppard asked, looking out of the window to where the north pier could be seen.
Lorne smiled ruefully. The truth was, he hadn't even thought about that painting since his last encounter with Sheppard. He probably wouldn't be in the mood to paint even if he had, though now he felt like taking his brushes once more. "I didn't. I'm thinking of making the finishing touches tomorrow night. Care to join me?" he invited. He thought about it only now, at the spur of the moment, but it sounded nice. Stars, moons, beer, painting and talking. Taking it slow, having fun.
Sheppard raised a brow at him. "You mean you haven't heard about the meteor shower tomorrow?" he asked. Lorne, of course, hadn't.
"I didn't really have the time or the mindset to listen to idle gossips this past week," he said, straightforward. He knew that they wouldn't talk about it now, just like they weren't going to talk about the things that made Sheppard fall in love with Lorne, but Sheppard's eyes turned hard and upset for a moment.
"Well, apparently there's a meteor shower every year on this planet. They're supposed to pass our outer atmosphere and give us a nice show. There was a mail regarding it a few days back while you were off-world, something about the asteroids making the atmosphere ionized so we're raising the shield just to be on the safe side. It'll be the perfect opportunity to have some undisturbed down time. I was thinking maybe we'd watch it together," Sheppard explained, recovering from his momentary displeasure. He reached for Lorne's beer and stole a sip, smiling charmingly at him as he returned the bottle.
"I'd like that," Lorne agreed amiably, smiling at Sheppard and reaching into the bowl to steal a piece of Vigan in retribution, but Sheppard was quicker and his strong fingers locked onto Lorne's wrist, holding him in place.
"Ah ah, no nibbling before everything's ready," Sheppard admonished, amused. He didn't let go of Lorne's wrist until Lorne relinquished his vegetable. Lorne would have found it childish if he wasn't standing so close to Sheppard and if he hadn't noticed the way Sheppard's entire body language seemed to change from tense and on guard this afternoon to calm and at ease now.
"Cheat," Lorne tugged his hand free and brought his fingers to his mouth, sucking noisily on the tart juice that stuck on them. He was going to continue his teasing of Sheppard when he realized what he was doing and that Sheppard was following his every move with rapt attention.
This was exactly why he never could escape those sexually tensed moments with Sheppard before. Sheppard had a knack for putting Lorne at ease, and he did so even on their first date. But now the rules were different.
Smiling against his fingers, Lorne asked, "Like what you see?"
"Oh, yes, very much," Sheppard answered in a husky voice, his hand tugging the bottle of beer out of Lorne's hand and then circling his hips. Lorne allowed himself to be pulled forward closer to Sheppard and his hand came to rest on Sheppard's thigh, feeling the long limb and strong muscle underneath.
Sheppard's other hand rose to hold Lorne's nape, fingers combing up into his short hair and tugging him forward and up to meet Sheppard's lips.
Lorne felt a thrill of excitement shooting up his belly. Sheppard's lips were soft and agile, caressing Lorne's sensually while Sheppard's stubble burned against his skin. His hand on Lorne's hip caressed its way up Lorne's back and made him arch against Sheppard's body.
They drew apart after a short time, looking into each other's eyes. Lorne smiled, because he couldn't help it after sharing a kiss with Sheppard, and licked his lips.
Sheppard's smile was wane, his eyes darkening as they followed Lorne's tongue. "You really ought to stop doing that," he murmured and leaned forward once more.
This time Sheppard's lips encouraged Lorne's mouth to open, and Sheppard's tongue sneaked inside. It was gentle still, not a rampage of hormones but an initial exploration. Sheppard's tongue mapped Lorne's mouth and Sheppard's hands moved over Lorne's face, in his hair and over his back and hips. It wasn't the kind of kiss that would make Lorne aroused, but the kind that would warm him and turn him boneless with pleasure.
Lorne enjoyed the kiss thoroughly. Sheppard was a good kisser who had a knack for spotting the things that brought his partner pleasure. There was no hesitation in his actions, only sure hands and an even surer mouth. His taste was earthy from the beer and rich with something that was unique and masculine and which Lorne instantly liked. Lorne sucked on the thick tongue in his mouth, allowing his breath to come out as a slow exhalation against the nose that bumped his.
When they parted with a soft wet sound Sheppard looked embarrassed. "So much for taking this slow," he murmured against Lorne's skin where he was nuzzling Lorne's cheek and inhaling deeply in an attempt to regulate his breathing.
Lorne, hands around Sheppard's shoulders still, began to gently let go. He pushed Sheppard until he could look into his eyes and smile back at him. "I have no problem with taking it slow, John. But I'm not a monk," he teased.
Sheppard burst out laughing. The same long, barking laughter that was so rare from him. It made Lorne feel proud to have caused it every time Sheppard would laugh like this with him alone and not his team. Maybe Sheppard's ego wasn't the only one they'd have to deal with.
When Sheppard calmed down a little, he looked at Lorne and shook his head fondly. "You're the worst make-out partner anyone could ever ask for," he said, his hand reaching towards Lorne's head, and Lorne felt fingers combing his hair.
"Unlike you, my hair's simple and normal and actually follows the military regs," Lorne scoffed, but didn't bat the hand away.
"Well, following regs or not, you look like you just emerged from a heated make-out session," Sheppard said, full of himself. "Hair sticking out in all directions. All I did was mess it up a little," he complained good-naturedly.
"You look like that all the time. Something I need to know?" Lorne retorted. Sheppard snorted.
"That's your department from now on," he replied playfully, picking up his knife. Lorne picked up his beer. "We're almost ready. Which movie do you want us to watch?"
Lorne went to Sheppard's table where the CD case was placed and took it in his hand. Funny how his lips kept itching but he didn't feel an overwhelming desire to push Sheppard up against the wall and kiss his breath away. Taking it slow, he decided once more, was nice.
Lorne began to leaf through the CDs: The Princess Bride, Alien, Back to the Future, Batman, Star Wars, Jaws, Spiderman, Blades of Glory…
The Ancient doorbell chimed.
Lorne looked at Sheppard questioningly. "Expecting someone?" he asked, serious.
Sheppard looked grave and unhappy when he answered, "No," and Lorne couldn't blame him. A chime off-duty usually meant trouble.
Lorne expected Sheppard to turn to the door, but instead Sheppard approached him with a crooked smile. His fingers combed through Lorne's hair once more before he stepped back to review his handiwork.
Lorne raised his brows at him. "I thought you had my hair lying flat once again?"
Sheppard smirked. "I like you a bit tousled," he confessed and went to open his door. Lorne took his beer in his hand and tried to look like he was there to watch a movie. Which he was, amongst other things.
The door opened to reveal Carter.
Lorne couldn't see Sheppard's face, but he could hear his warm and slightly surprised exclamation of, "Sam!"
"Hi, John," Carter said, stepping inside when Sheppard waved a hand at her. She then noticed Lorne and paused. "Major Lorne," she greeted, surprised.
"Ma'am," Lorne replied in kind. He was still leaning against the table with his beer in his hand, and didn't bother stretching to attention. Carter had made it clear that off-duty meant off-duty in every sense of the word while Atlantis was under her command.
"Am I interrupting something?" Carter asked, turning from Lorne to Sheppard with a creased brow. Sheppard merely shrugged.
"Movie night," he said. "Beer, salad, nothing special," from his mouth it sounded so casual that Lorne had to smile.
"Didn't know you could cook."
"If you call cutting a few vegetables cooking. Uh, you needed something? Beer, salad?" Sheppard asked, indicating his tiny kitchen area. Carter looked amused.
"No. Actually I was on my way to the northern observatory balcony when McKay radioed me and told me I needed to see something. Since I was in the area I thought that you might want to come along. But I see you're busy, so…" she trailed off, smiling apologetically to Lorne.
"Did he say what it was? Said that it was urgent?" Sheppard inquired. "The words 'imminent death' popped up at any part of the conversation?"
Carter snickered. "No. Didn't sound like something alarming or dangerous," she said. "Although McKay's idea of imminent death is being in the same room as a lemon," she added thoughtfully.
"That's why I always carry one around," Sheppard replied with a winning smile and turned to look at Lorne. Lorne knew that he wanted to go, and couldn't see the harm of it himself. They had the entire night ahead of them, and maybe they would even get to see something cool. He gave Sheppard a tiny nod.
Sheppard turned to Carter once more. "Give us, what… five minutes?" he looked questioningly at Lorne, who nodded again. "And we'll be good to go."
Carter nodded and went out to wait for them in the atrium. Sheppard put his unfinished salad in the fridge, along with Lorne's beer. He then straightened and escorted Lorne to the door.
"You do know that you're not getting away, do you?" Sheppard asked, half in jest and half serious. Lorne simply caressed his cheek, not unlike the way he did when he painted Sheppard's portrait.
"Wouldn't dream of it," he answered sincerely.
