Omake 34: If that's how you want it Ned.

"I need you Ned," Robert said with a sigh as he looked sadly at the statue of Lyanna in the crypts. "Down in King's Landing, not up here where you're no good to anyone."

It was the fifth time he had asked during the month long stay Robert, the Queen and their children had been visiting Winterfell. And Ned was as adamant now as he had been then.

"Robert," Ned bemoaned. "I cannot," he held up a hand to forestall Robert's argument. "Bran still hasn't woken up, I have to appease Jon's adventurism by putting together a force of riders to go north of the Wall to verify the truth of what wildlings and black brothers alike have been screaming about, I've barely managed to keep him from riding off himself."

Robert sniggered, no doubt he could see Jon riding north all alone if needs be, just to earn the bragging rights of saying 'I went north of the Wall to fight the White Walkers,' his bloody friend also happened to be the King so Ned couldn't even punch his lights out for enjoying Ned's frustration.

"But Ned," Robert continued after gaining control of his amusement. "Surely you have other people who can run the North for you? I meant what I said you know. There's a war coming, and I bet you that my 'beloved' wife's family is involved."

Ned shook his head. "I am going nowhere until Bran wakes up and I can figure out the truth of what happened. If war should come I will call my banner to your side Robert, you know this. Having me in the south would just mean longer time until I could arrive with the might of the North."

Robert sat down on the floor of the crypt, leaning against the wall with a wineskin in his hand, his old friend looked more broken than Ned had ever thought to be possible. "I know," Robert sighed. "I just want my friend, my brother in all but blood down in King's Landing with me." Robert took a deep drink. "I'm losing the kingdoms you know," he said with a mirthless chuckle. "The smallcouncil and court alike is overrun with Lannister's or their servants, even my own bloody son wears the Lannister sigil on his banner."

"Is there no one you can trust?" Ned asked. "Stannis?"

Absolutely the wrong thing to say. "Stannis the mirthless cunt. The only thing he does is to complain about his rights to Storm's End, and demand that every whorehouse is shut down, as if."

Ned nodded sagely, he was well aware of Robert's vices. "Perhaps one of your Estermont cousins? Or someone from the Vale?" he suggested.

Robert nodded thoughtfully as his mind pondered the ups and downs of getting one of his friends from the Vale or one of his cousins. "Before I forget," Robert said suddenly. "Have you made a decision in regards to Sansa and Joffrey?"

Ned grimaced. "I was hesitant to believe it when I heard that Joffrey ordered the Hound to bring him Jon's head, but I have kept a close eye on your son Robert and I don't like what I see."

"Joffrey did what?" Robert asked with surprise.

"He ordered Sandor Clegane to kill Jon and bring back his head."

"THAT. . .FUCKING. . .HALFWIT!" Robert roared as he angrily leapt to his feet. "Gods for years I've had to tolerate that pampered little shit," a slew of words that were too low for Ned to catch them, "Next time he puts so much as a fucking toe out of line," more grumbling, along whit what Ned imagined to be Robert's hands wringing a neck. A good ten minutes or so later Robert had calmed down significantly. "Well there's nothing for it, I'll have to offer my apologies when I pass Moat Cailin on the way back south," a strange gleam that sent shivers down Ned's spine suddenly appeared in Robert's eyes. "Are you quite sure I can't offer you to become Hand of the King?"

"I'm afraid not Robert," Ned said as he refused Robert for (hopefully) the last time.

Robert left that very day, as did the Prince for that matter, though he left in the opposite direction. While Ned was never privy to the interrogation Robert must have put Joffrey through, it was clear that the answers that had been provided were not to the King's liking.

For that matter it wasn't exactly to the Queen's liking either when she spotted her son who looked like had had gone ten rounds in the fist ring with Greatjon Umber. Her displeasure became even more pronounced when Robert announced that Joffrey would be visiting the wall and lending a helping hand for the next six moons to learn the values of duty and hard work, besides Ned suspected it was also to let Joffrey know what could expect him if he stepped out of line again.

And so, with Robert gone back south, his milk drinker of a son sent to the Wall for six moons and lastly Jon placed safely out of sight and out of mind in Moat Cailin, Ned could finally get some relaxation like he hadn't had since Jon first discovered that his cock had other uses than pissing.

One Month Later:

Ned had just seated himself in his favourite chair to relax when his day went straight to the seven hells. It had been such a good day too. He'd had a good peaceful breakfast, he'd watched with pride as Robb took petitions and held council. After that he, Robb Vayon Poole, Jory Cassel and a few others had a hunt near the wolfswood, with Jory being the only one to catch any game at all in the form of a fat rabbit.

Returning back home to Winterfell he received the wonderful news that Bran had woken up, which had been a relief after the failed attempt to knife him three days before that, though it was disheartening that he couldn't remember anything.

Still, the day had continued to go at least relatively well as he had for the first time in years managed to finish all of his paperwork and with time to spare, no Arya and no Jon, or even worse Arya AND Jon at the same time had the remarkable effect of freeing up his schedule for important things, rather than to question the futility of life and complaining to the Old Gods of why exactly he was to be cursed with such mischievous wards/children.

After a hearty meal he and Cat decided to retire to his solar in, as was mentioned his favourite chair, Sansa Bran and Rickon all sat there, eager to hear whatever stories they decided to share that evening, Robb in the meantime had left for the ravenry to send off a letter to Wynafryd Manderly who he nursed a secret (in his own mind) crush on, of course that was when Luwin had to come and ruin his fucking day.

Luwin had entered with a red faced Jory beside him who was shaking like a leaf and Ned's first thought was, 'what the fuck have you done now Jon?' still the question had to be put forth, and he couldn't very well use the same language that his thoughts usually preferred when it came to any subject regarding Jon. "Yes Luwin," he said.

Luwin cleared his throat as he rolled out a scroll that was much longer than Ned felt comfortable with. "First off, a message from Dorne inviting Jon, Lady Arya and his squire Trystane and the Starks of Winterfell down south for the upcoming birth of Princess Arianne Martell in some six or seven moons."

Ned felt ice creep up his spine as he added the days. "That fucking idiot," he snarled, no longer able to kept it in, neither could Jory apparently as the Captain of the Guard in Winterfell finally collapsed in hysterical cackles.

"Shall I continue?" Luwin asked as he did his best to ignore Jory.

However much Ned wanted to say no and just continue to live life like nothing was wrong he knew that it was better to just get it over with. "Continue please."

"Where was I?" Luwin asked as he read over the scroll again, "Ah yes. Apparently Prince Doran has expressed an interest to betroth Lady Arya to Prince Trystane, apparently at the suggestion of Lord Jon, who have, don't ask me how, convinced Lady Arya that this is a good idea, an offer of marriage from Willas Tyrell to Lady Sansa has also arrived."

Ned blinked, how on earth had Jon managed to swing those two offers? For that matter how could he even refuse? From the light shining in Sansa's eyes he knew straight away that the idea of becoming Lady of Highgarden, the heart of southern chivalry was most appealing to his eldest daughter, not to mention the triumph in Cat's eyes at the thought of one of her daughters becoming a Princess and the other one becoming the Lady of Highgarden seemed to be the fulfilment of most of her ambitions.

"How the hell did he manage that?" Ned wondered, causing Luwin to shuffle uneasily. "Luwin?" he asked sharply when he spotted said shuffling.

"Before I continue I figure that I should mention that Theon expressed an interest to take the black, he must have read the letter over my shoulder as the next thing I knew he had his horse saddled and sped out of Winterfell."

Ned blinked, "What the fuck is going on?" he asked. Never in his life had he been so confused.

"Here my Lord," Luwin said as he held out the scroll which Ned greedily took and started reading.

Dearest Uncle, as I write this I find that I must thank you. You've given me so much over the years, and I doubt I would be the man I am today without your generosity. But, enough of that, I don't want to send home a novel's worth of thanks, I am far too busy.

As you've no doubt learnt by now I may have made a. . .poor decision a few moons back when I hosted a few dornish guests, thank the gods that Prince Doran didn't call for my head, though he was rather demanding in reparations, though I managed to convince him that a marriage between Arya and Prince Trystane would be to the benefit of both our families.

Arya must have taken a liking to the Sand Snakes, as I barely had time to mention that in Dorne and as a Princess she could probably have all the sword or spear lessons she wanted, mayhap even wear breeches without receiving complaints about how unseemely it would be, all at the price of wedding Trystane who as far as I've heard and seen so far is a pleasant lad, needless to say she wished for me to impress upon you that this is apparently what she wants, and honestly uncle, I don't think we'll ever find someone better for Arya, royal title notwithstanding.

Also, thanks to my newfound friendship with Prince Oberyn I managed to propose a betrothal between Willas Tyrell who is a great friend of Oberyn apparently and Sansa. You need not worry, Willas or Mace will contact you for further details, but from what we agreed upon so far, Sansa would stay in the North until her fourteenth nameday, upon which she would come south and spend some time as a Lady in waiting to Lady Margaery, a truly pleasant Lady and a total fox in the. . .nevermind, all you need to know is that Sansa will receive the best care and get lots of friends who shares a great many of her interests.

All I had to do to swing that offer was to get Mace Tyrell onto the Small Council, a ridiculously easy feat. Lord Baelish has after all managed to let the Realm get into six million dragons in debt, and Mace is much richer than Baelish, that and he is far more gullible too, easy to please, and the point that got Robert to agree was that apparently it would piss off Stannis to the point of giving our good Master of Ships a heart attack, and I see why Robert calls Stannis an angry bore. We had barely mentioned Mace and he started to grind his teeth so hard that it sounded like he was chewing on rocks.

Other than that, everything is fine here in the south, I don't rightly know how long I'll stay here, until I return I tasked Eddard Karstark to act as my Castellan, hope you don't mind.

My regards to the rest of the family.

Jon Stark

Lord of Moat Cailin and Hand of the King.

Hand of the King…Hand of the fucking King! "What the HELL was Robert thinking?" Ned questioned. Cat seemed to be just as stunned as he was.

"It seems My Lord that when you refused the offer, the King wanted Jon to take it instead."

Ned looked down at the letter one more time while his mind tried to comprehend the absolute chaos this could cause. The Seven Kingdoms were barely large enough for both Robert and Jon to coexist when one was in the North and the other in King's Landing. Jon and Robert staying in the same city and running the Kingdoms!

Ned stood up hurriedly. "Cat, Luwin, tell Robb that he has to decide if he wants to approve of these offers." One by one he hugged his children and then he kissed Cat more fiercely than he had ever done in his life. "I love you Cat," he told her before hurrying over to one of the chests in the room to find his thickest cloak.

"Ned," Cat asked him, confusion evident in her voice. "What are you doing?"

Ned let out a hysterical bark of laughter. "I've fucking had it," he chuckled. "I can't do this anymore, tell Robb that he is the Lord of Winterfell, I'm joining Theon and Benjen on the Wall. Better to take the Black than trying to fix whatever storm is coming after Robert and Jon trying to run seven kingdoms," and then, to their complete shock he laughed and ran out of the solar to find his horse. After ten and seven years it would be great to finally experience freedom, and freedom could be found on the Wall.