Anya was pleasantly surprised. Not that she probably should have been surprised, given the amount of notice Raven had to plan their night, but she couldn't remember the last time she'd held a smile for so long. She'd wondered about where Raven would take her, and was actually quite happy that the initial portion of the walk was a familiar one, strolling west along the emerald necklace. It made for a beautiful setting, but not a distracting one, letting Anya fill in the moments of silence with remarks on the area and wildlife between Raven's awkward one liners and comments, at least until the girl seemed to hit her rhythm. It hadn't taken long for her date to realize that silence wasn't an issue for her, which seemed to have a bit of a calming influence, Raven's words coming out more confident and considerate.
The first stop had been at a café along Beacon Street, to learn how to make turnovers. Somehow, and Anya swore she'd find out the source of such treachery, word had leaked about how she was miserable at baking most pastries, particularly flaky ones. As such, Raven had a friend at the shop set up a lesson for them. Apparently, the woman ran lessons once a month on a Friday, but had made a special exception for their date.
Which, well, might have made her feel a little special.
Not to mention how amusing it was when my turnovers turned out better than hers. Seems she's pretty competitive...and cute when she's being a bit of a sore loser, as if pastry baking is a serious competition...
After snacking for a bit, they'd made their way through the Amory playground and Knyvet Square, north towards the Boston University campus, making a quick stop at a coffee shop to warm up. Anya waited over by a free table while Raven waited up at the counter for their orders to be ready.
Tonight's honestly been much easier than I expected it to be...maybe dating actually is kind of like riding a bike. Still, ever since that first party, she's been strangely easy to talk with. A little opinionated and snarky, but I'm no stranger to that. And she really is easy on the eyes, even if I'm sure she's freezing her tail off in that leather jacket. Just like I'm sure this detour of hers is probably just to warm up before we get to where we're going, since I'm pretty sure that's a heating vent she's standing by...
Raven's unfortunate choice of clothes was a hit aesthetically, but more suited to temperatures in the thirties or higher, and she didn't want her first date in a long time to end up with a trip to the hospital. Maybe I'll break rule 4 and help her out a little...
"Hey, sorry for the wait. The guy in front of me had a stupidly complex order, and the barista apparently wasn't doing it properly, so he was throwing a bit of a shit fit." Raven noted with a roll of her eyes as she returned, holding out Anya's order. "One mocha with cinnamon and an extra pump of chocolate. Gotta say, I'm digging the sweet tooth."
Anya narrowed her eyes playfully, and perhaps a bit in question of how her slight love of chocolate was appealing. "Does it surprise you?"
Raven just laughed, head tilting as dark eyes scanned over her body. Which, given she was all bundled up in her big white coat, had to be a bit on instinct. A little brazen, but I don't quite mind...I know I'm more than just a body to her...
"Honestly, you've got to get your fill of calories somehow. I've seen your workouts...I'd be surprised if you weren't mowing down something sweet here and there to keep balanced." Raven explained, and Anya could only shrug, because it was pretty much the truth. With the practices, the games, and her workouts, she had more than enough opportunities to sneak a treat into her meals, especially on her 'cheat day', so to speak. So long as she didn't go wild on unhealthy foods, Anya had a pretty free rein on what she could have.
"I take it you got your coffee black?" She asked in return, chuckling at Raven's eyebrows shooting up in surprise. "Clarke told me it's the only way you take it. Apparently, you turn into a veritable Energizer bunny."
"This is totally unfair, you know. She basically told me nothing about you." Raven grumped, if mostly just for show if the amusement in her eyes was any indicator. Still, it'd give a good opportunity to bond over common ground. They both cared about Clarke, and while she was skilled at compartmentalizing, she allowed herself some hope that Octavia had gotten around to keep Clarke company. It was hard to leave, but she knew Clarke would have hated to disrupt her and Raven's plans.
"If you think Clarke handed over your secrets to me, you've misjudged her. She insisted I learn about you from you...she's a good friend. I only managed to get your coffee order out of her...that and a certain story involving a food stand, a famous actor, and his sister?" Anya claimed, eyes narrowing in question at the gobsmacked girl before her who was suddenly squeezing very tightly onto that coffee.
"Oh my god, I can't believe she's done this..." Raven muttered to herself, dazedly shaking her head before snapping her attention fully back to Anya. "To my credit, her laugh was seriously hideous."
Anya laughed at the fervent assertion and took a sip of her drink. "Enough to give her the Heimlich? Really?"
"I literally thought she was dying! I'm certified and everything, so like...I'm pretty sure if I let someone die, I could be sued. It's dangerous having skills, sometimes. So yeah...that was...mortifying...not as bad as vomiting on them both on the roller coaster, but yeah." Her date explained hastily, stumbling a bit over her words in the process, clearly a bit embarrassed, though it was that final bit that was the most attention-grabbing.
Anya's eyebrows shot up at the new detail, feeling suddenly thankful for Clarke's ability for causing mischief, because her own shock suddenly had Raven pale-faced and gaping again. "Oh god, I'll kill her."
"Don't tell me you're afraid of heights?" Anya suggested, earning a quick shake of the head from her date.
"No, not at all. I love roller coasters, I just got some bad food at one of the food stands, and it unsettled my stomach. That, and the nerves I felt sitting in front of him and his sister after...well, the whole choking thing, and the fame, I guess." Raven explained, and Anya supposed that made a bit more sense, even if her urge to be a bit forward didn't. Still, she was having a good time, and maybe some minor suggestion would improve her date's mood.
"I always steered clear of roller coasters, but maybe one day you'll have to show me if they're worth the hype." Anya added, fighting her own smirk when Raven's mouth curled back up into an eager smile.
"Yeah, yeah definitely." Raven said with a little nod, eyes losing focus for a brief moment before a flash of realization washed over her. "Right, the book of poetry you'd lug along to the carnivals. For what it's worth, I don't know a lot about poetry, and I'm not huge on sitting still for long, but I'd be into curling up at a library or something and hearing some of your favourites."
The whole idea was enticing and surprising. As the girl noted, largely because Raven always seemed to be on the go, or working on something, so the prospect of her sitting down for a stretch of time and listening to Anya read? That took a moment to digest. Yet, it set a wonderfully intimate stage; Anya selecting the works closest to her heart, reciting them in hushed tones with Raven curled up against her, sharing that part of herself rarely anyone ever seemed interested in, all with someone who honestly seemed damn interested in knowing her.
"Perhaps that could be arranged." She decided, smirking at the infusion of colour into her date's face. "But let's not get too ahead of ourselves...I still don't know where we're going right now."
Raven gestured towards the door, and Anya could honestly only give her date another once over before raising a questioning brow. "Is it far? Because I don't want you dying of frostbite."
"Tch. It's just another ten minutes, I'll be fine." Raven insisted, taking another sip of her coffee.
"'Fine' my ass. Here..." Anya noted, pulling her ear muffs and gloves off before moving to Raven and carefully covering up the woman's extremities. Sure, it meant that she'd be a bit colder, but Raven really did need some protection from the low temperatures.
"I hope you can appreciate the herculean effort I made in not jumping on that golden opportunity." Raven joked, only to be met with her stony expression. Not that Anya was upset or annoyed, she just knew it would fluster the woman, and Raven really was endearing when fumbling over herself. "N...not that you don't deserve compliments. Just not the one I could have made. Well, I wouldn't have, because I respect you, and all, and...shit."
Deciding to give her date a break, Anya finally cracked a smile and lightly shoved her. "I'm aware of my fine ass, Reyes." Anya teased, reveling a bit in Raven's frustration, if just for a moment. "I think we're ready to go on, now."
"You sure you'll be warm enough?" Raven asked inexplicably, apparently unaware that Anya had been quite cozy in her winter wear in comparison, and would continue to be, if just a bit chillier.
"Says the woman wearing a moderately thin leather jacket and skin-tight jeans in the middle of winter. Are you serious?" She asked, wondering what kind of reasoning Reyes had for even considering asking such a bizarre question.
"It's just...okay, so I didn't dress for the weather, but I'm good." Raven insisted, though not too convincingly, so Anya just raised that eyebrow a bit more and tilted her head forward in expectation. "Okay, it's just that you look cute in the ear muffs. And your hands could get cold without your gloves."
Again, Anya's brain froze a bit at the assertion that she was cute. She had been called pretty, beautiful, hot, smoking, but never cute. At least, not in many years by anyone who wasn't family. She still wasn't entirely sure what to make of Raven's compliments, but she decided that for now, she'd just enjoy them, knowing the girl only meant well with them, and that they were rather flattering.
"Well, lucky for me, my clutch doubles as a muff, so they can stay warm. But maybe since I haven't finished my drink, you could keep my free hand warm on the walk over?" Anya asked, wanting to establish that she was fine with touching, particularly hand holding; they were on their first date, and it was winter. Hand holding just seemed like a nice idea.
"Yeah...I'd like that." Raven answered with a bright smile before taking her hand and guiding her out of the shop.
The chilly winter air was a bit of a shock from the warm coffee shop, but Raven taking her hand and walking so close to her made it easy to forget the weather. "So, tell me about yourself, Raven."
"I was wondering when we'd get to this part. Anyway, I'm an only child with amazing mom. She's the reason I'm here, really...taught me early and often, and did what she could to make sure I could attend great schools, test out of some grades along the way, focus on all the stuff I loved. Growing up, I loved building things, so when I wasn't doing schoolwork, or dreaming of being an astronaut, I'd be building things and taking them apart. I got into MIT as a fourteen year old, graduated two years ago. I realized I didn't want to jump into work just yet, or grad school...I wanted a taste of normalcy, and another degree that'd help me maybe get into NASA one day, so I came to BC and decided to play hockey, since I'd started playing a few years back casually." Raven noted calmly, smiling especially wide at mention of her mom, and holding that smile throughout. It was a good look on her.
"Interesting how you start playing hockey in your teens, and you wind up being the Eagles' steadiest defenseman by sophomore year." Anya offered, knowing it'd play into her date's ego, wanting to see exactly how the woman would take it.
"Eh, what can I say? I like to excel." Raven retorted with a happy grin, oozing pride and confidence, her cockiness not overwhelming enough to feel concerned over.
"Your mom must be proud. Any plans with for the holidays?" She asked, mostly curious about if Raven would be traveling anywhere for a stretch of time, but she knew her question could give a glimpse at family traditions as well.
Raven shook her head and took an extra second or so longer than usual to respond. "Yeah, my mom's pretty great about everything. We usually have Christmas together, but this year, she's down in Florida with her brother since he's not doing well."
Anya felt a twinge of sympathy and gave the woman's hand a squeeze, knowing it wasn't much, but it was something. "I'm sorry to hear it."
"I'm more upset that my mom has to deal with this without me around. His side of the family are a bunch of shitty homophobes who hate that I'm bi, and won't let me near them, so I had to stay up here. So I'm not so worried about them, they have each other. I just don't want my mom to be sad." Raven explained, making it all a bit less gut wrenching. "But at least some good came of it. Clarke, O, and I are spending Christmas together, so that should be fun."
Anya let out a laugh at the thought of all three girls stuck together in a confined space. "That sounds like the recipe for mayhem."
"Mmmmm, exactly. I'll be way more prepared for that than them, though." Raven joked with a wink. "I've been working on a new prototype snowball launcher that I think will blow them away."
Anya was about to comment on how Raven should remind her not to get on her bad side when her date slowed to a stop outside of a pub she remembered from a few years back. She eyed the poster taped to the outside of the building and shot Raven an excited grin. "Trivia contest? And a Foreigner cover band's playing after?"
Raven just bit her lip and nodded. "You up for tag-teaming with me, Anya?"
Anya cast a glance at the door to the pub and let her grin grow menacingly wide. "Oh, those poor unfortunate souls. We're going to wreck them, and they don't even know it."
Her date took hold of the door and pulled it open, gesturing for her to enter. "After you then, Destroyer of Worlds, Grand Archivist of Pop Culture. You shall lead the charge and herald the coming of the Queen of Science and Purveyor of Useless Facts."
Anya's grin held as she took in the sight of her competition, excited to see what carnage she and Raven could accomplish. Over the years, she and Lexa had been formidable at pub-style trivia, and they'd grown up on trivial pursuit, but Raven was a wild card. That made things interesting.
And potentially ending their stay at the pub with some cover songs of a band she loved? Someone would be getting a hell of a goodnight kiss, if the date so far was any indication.
Lexa wasn't at all fond of interstates and major highways, so perhaps it wasn't a complete surprise when the ride back to Virginia for the holidays felt as if it was dragging on and on. Honestly, she'd been content enough back at the dorms in Boston, almost all the people she cared about that were still in her life were there, more or less. Still, Anya had wanted to go home for the holidays, and Lincoln as well, which was understandable enough even if their relationships with their parents were a bit strained.
Truthfully, she expected it wouldn't be much different than it was last year, with Luna spending most of the time locked away in her office, and Gus being interrupted every hour or so with phone calls. Still, it'd be nice to see the Pine family homestead again; she'd spent a good chunk of her life growing up within those walls, and she'd have Anya, and eventually Lincoln, at her side during their stay.
Lincoln, of course, had made the political decision to spend Christmas Eve with Octavia and her family, meaning he'd arrive late that night to spend the rest of the time with his family. Which meant she'd have a lot of one-on-one time with Anya in the near future.
With Anya wholeheartedly singing along to Hall & Oates' 'You Make My Dreams' in the driver's seat, Lexa for the first time in her life found herself desperately wishing for a more festive set of music to grace her ears when they got home. Anya had surpassed the boundaries of obnoxiousness since her date with Raven, and while Lexa loved that her cousin was so jubilant, she could only take so much insufferably upbeat eighties pop music.
It was unsettling to find herself yearning for some Christmas music by the Carpenters or Mariah Carey, when she was usually too oversaturated by their songs at that point in the holiday season. Not that she wasn't getting to the point of annoyance with them, but they were the lesser of two evils.
Maybe I'll just commandeer the stereo system when I get in... Lexa thought to herself, nodding along to her plan, knowing Anya would expect her to unpack first. At least with the music out of the way, that would be one less thing to be concerned with. Now, if I can get Anya to remember how to tell festive movies from movies unrelated to holidays, this could turn into a pretty good night...
Not that a night spent with Anya would be bad in any real sense, but her cousin had been acting a little oddly as of late, and it all had Lexa feeling a bit off kilter. Just the past night, Anya had settled down with her to watch some Christmas movies. Or, so Lexa had been told, being surprised by 'Pretty Woman' before they'd made their way through their collective holiday favourite film, 'Die Hard'.
And sure, Lexa may have had a little crush on Julia Roberts back in the day, and she hadn't seen it before, so she didn't complain, even if Richard Gere always gave her the creeps. She assumed her cousin was just on another nostalgia kick and didn't comment on the choice; Anya, after all, was heavily invested in it, if her regular comments about Vivian were any indication. Anya was always talkative in movies, so it wasn't out of the ordinary that her cousin prodded her for comments and answers throughout, but there was a lot of focus on Vivian.
If Lexa wasn't so certain about Anya's methods, and how she respected Lexa's boundaries, she might have thought her cousin was thinking about hiring a prostitute for her, by all the little probing questions. It even made a little sense, given how Anya would occasionally tease her for being sexually frustrated , but she also knew the woman would never surprise her or push her to test her readiness without her consent. Besides, Anya was usually blunt and up front about most things, so the constant comments about Vivian just confused the heck out of her.
Whatever...I just want to get my Muppet Christmas Carol on. Maybe some Jingle All the Way, too... Lexa mused, smiling at the memory of Anya scouring bargain bins for cheesy holiday movies every year, and how they'd both fallen in love with the ridiculousness of Schwarzenegger fighting swarms of holiday shoppers for a stupid toy. Ever since, they'd usually squeezed in time to watch it every year, and Lexa hoped that tradition would continue.
Her focus was pulled from her thoughts when Anya shut off the stereo just as Asia's 'Heat of the Moment' came on. It was unheard of for Anya to skip that song, so Lexa found herself a little on edge and uncertain, watching her cousin at the edge of her sightline, both of them tense and silent in their seats.
"If...if this is about Raven again, I'm happy for you Anya. You don't have to keep checking with me about that." Lexa noted, breaking the silence after it had stretched for a minute or two. She wasn't sure why her cousin had stopped the music, but she knew that a quiet car generally meant serious discussions would be had, if the past was any indicator.
Anya shook her head, but her mouth remained clamped shut for long seconds afterwards. Lexa waited patiently, knowing Anya would speak when she found the words, given she was rarely one who rushed conversation. It was one of the things that tended to end in frustration, with how Anya's need to be precise and tactical with her words conflicted with the woman's impatience and short temper.
"I talked to Clarke yesterday." Anya let out slowly, and Lexa braced for, well, just about anything. She knew she'd been brusque with Clarke, but also knew the blonde tended to give her a break on that front, so she wasn't entirely certain what was behind the slight warning in Anya's voice.
"Oh? How is she?" Lexa asked, knowing that playing naive would push Anya to make her point faster out of annoyance. She'd much rather Anya sing loudly to cheesy music than risk getting lectured for the rest of the ride. It'd be rare that her cousin ever got mad at her, but there was a certain soul-crushing quality in disappointing her, and being in a car with nowhere to go seemed a bad place to be on the end of one of those talks. Not that she expected it, but she had been a little mean to Clarke the other day.
"You gave her the third degree, and basically called her a home-wrecker, after I specifically asked you if you could come home and keep watch over her." Anya stated with a tone that made it clear to Lexa that any rebuttal or comment of hers would not be a good idea. "I'm happy to hear you approve of Raven and I working on a relationship, but I'm not happy how you handled Clarke."
Lexa's teeth gnawed away at her lip at the disappointment practically dripping from Anya's words. It was the only visible response she could allow herself, as much as she wanted to crawl into a black hole from the shuddering ache in her chest. "I know." She spoke, knowing apologies would have to wait until Anya had made her fully aware of what to be sorry for.
"I had a date that evening with Raven. I left Clarke to go on that date...reluctantly, but I did. I trusted she'd be well taken care of, and instead you sent Octavia away on an errand and blitzed her solo. I know you're not used to me having many close friends, little one, but I thought we'd been over this. I asked you to try, for me." Anya continued, voice wavering slightly at that last bit, which only had her feeling worse, that gnawing ache near overwhelming, making her eyes glassy and wet.
"I wasn't thinking clearly." Lexa said before she could even realize she'd opened her mouth, letting words spill out. It was a miracle that Anya didn't reprimand her for interrupting, but when she saw the expectant gaze of her cousin, she knew her outburst came with a cost. Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breath, really not wanting to get into this, but knowing that her cousin would find a way to get the truth eventually. May as well be now...
"You've never been like that with a friend before. I thought Clarke was pushing for more, and it scared me, because I knew Raven was serious, and I didn't think Clarke would be like that for you, not like that. I thought she could hurt you." Lexa explained, waiting for a glance from her cousin before continuing on. "It wasn't my place. I should have trusted you knew your situation better than I did." She continued, waiting for a nod of acceptance with bated breath, dread washing over her when Anya's eyebrows rose instead. A clear sign that her cousin expected a bit more than she was saying. "And maybe I was...affected a little bit by an irrational bout of jealousy."
To be truthful, there was an added element of shock involved in her reaction, from being faced with potential romantic intimacy without warning. A big part of that, though, was from the visceral reminder of how easy it had been for Anya to slide into her connection with Raven, and how easy she could just curl up with someone like Clarke out of the blue like that.
It was from being shown something she was scared she'd never have again, not after being so thoroughly broken. From being shown something she'd once adored having with Costia, dozens of painful memories flashing back to her in a breathless instant of seeing Clarke and Anya wrapped up together like it wasn't even slightly monumental. From the instinctive reaction of thinking another family member was being taken from her, even if it was a bit irrational; Lincoln hadn't truly gone anywhere, and she still had a few months left to enjoy Anya as a regular presence in her life. Yes, there had been worry, and certainly some jealousy involved. Anya didn't need to hear about her bitterness, or her envy, or her abandonment issues. It'd only make her cousin feel guilty, and that wouldn't do.
Anya thankfully offered a nod at her words, eyes fully back on the road, even though Lexa knew her cousin's focus was still mostly on her. "Clarke and I are friends. She's...different from the others I've had in my life, and I know that's confusing for you, but we are strictly and happily platonic. Do I need to go over the kinds of relationships, intimacy, and everything again?" Anya asked, referring back to when her cousin had sat her down in ninth grade and gave her the full on birds and the bees talk. It had been mortifying at the time, but immensely valuable when it came to understanding the ways people could connect, and especially how she understood her own sexuality. It certainly made coming out to Anya much easier than it would have been otherwise.
Lexa shook her head in answer, and waited for Anya to continue. "We care about each other, and we're affectionate. I've wanted more of those kinds of connections in my life, Lexa, and I know Clarke really needs them. More days like Tuesday will come around, and I'll be there for her, however she needs me. Are you going to be able to handle that?" Anya asked, and as jealous as she knew she could be, Lexa offered a nod in response. She could tamp down on her instincts and gut reactions, she could do more mental preparation. For Anya, she could and would.
Still, as she nodded, her memory flashed back to hazy recollections of Anya pulling Lincoln aside shortly after she'd been taken in by the Pines. How neither sibling was ever quiet enough in their arguing to keep Lexa from hearing how Anya would remind her brother about prioritizing attention. Lincoln had been going through a Star Wars kick at the time, so she'd explained it to him about how x-wings would only have so much energy they could balance between lasers and shields, and sometimes if it'd been damaged, energy would have to move to shields and it'd have to be selective with attacks.
It'd been a rough, awkward method of explanation, but it hadn't taken long for Lexa to understand that Anya saw her family as a unit, and if one was hurt, everyone was hurt. Attention would be prioritized accordingly, temporarily shifting away from the fun things Anya would often coddle Lincoln with, and towards things that helped Lexa heal from the loss of her parents. And, later on, how Anya and Lincoln helped with the Costia situation.
Perhaps it was odd to think it, but Anya was giving off a lot of those old, familiar vibes regarding Clarke, and while she trusted Anya to make the right decision, it was still difficult to think of that network expanding by a member without her knowing first. Suddenly, she thought she knew how Lincoln felt, years ago, even if she was proud of Anya for stepping up and growing enough to start making closer friendships.
"I will. I'm sorry, Anya." She answered, deciding to be more vocal, both to reassure her cousin of her sincerity, and to help as a lead-in to a question of her own. "Did Clarke tell you when she was heading back to Virginia for the holidays? Should I be expecting a visit from her at home, popping by there like she does at our dorm?"
It was a peculiar thought, Clarke being included in some of their holiday traditions, potentially meeting more of the family. Not a bad thought, or entirely uncomfortable, surprisingly enough. Just a little odd to think about. She probably wouldn't leave her hoodies around for me to wear, though...even if she wouldn't really have to, since I packed one...
Lexa watched Anya's eyes darken in anger, the woman's expression falling into familiar cues of concern, before her cousin smoothed out her features. "I wouldn't expect a visit, no."
The answer was a bit stilted and light on details, and it was a little confusing in the context of Anya's reaction. Clarke had an SUV with winter tires on, and the blonde probably lived less than forty minutes away, if Clarke had told the truth a ways ago that she'd lived next to one of the arenas they tended to play each other in, back in the day. Given Clarke would often stop for coffee on the way, the commute wouldn't be too much longer than her usual, certainly not enough to justify avoiding a visit. "Is her family keeping her too busy? I thought she was an only child."
"She is an only child, yes." Anya stated, worlds flinty and clipped in a way that practically screamed 'DANGER: MINEFIELD', but Lexa couldn't help herself and her curiosity over the fact that Anya avoided her question. When she moved to speak, Anya silenced her with a low growl that trailed off into a clearly frustrated sigh. "Do not press Clarke about this. Don't assume anything. Just know that I'm not upset at you, little one."
Lexa pondered over Anya's words for a few moments, feeling a little better after the reassurance, given the slightly homicidal undertones in her cousin's words. Still, it begged the question of who Anya was upset at, if not her or Clarke. Anya's mood had taken a turn at her mentioning Clarke heading back home, but she knew Clarke had good memories there, and a father she clearly cared about.
Yet, her father's guitar was handed down to her...and she said she plays to remember when they would practice together. She...I suppose she used past tense a few times...is he...? Lexa processed, her thoughts feeling a bit scattered as she delved into her memories for clues. As more and more came up, she more certain she was at the sad conclusion that the blonde's father had passed away, or is gone away at the least. So maybe she doesn't have her father at home. But she has her mother, surely. Except...didn't Lincoln say Clarke hadn't gone home for Thanksgiving? Clarke hasn't made any effort at going home for the holidays, either...
"She's not going back home for Christmas." Lexa found herself saying absently, that possibility burning into her mind until she voiced it. She watched Anya's jaw clench, and Anya didn't even need to nod for her to know it was true. Lexa still didn't understand the 'why' of it, and couldn't help but feel more curious. "Is it because she's...bisexual?"
Anya shook her head sharply. "That's Raven's reason for staying in Boston for the holidays. Clarke...it's complicated, and if she wants to tell you, she will. I don't even know everything." Her cousin asserted, not doing a tremendously good job of tamping down on her emotions, jaw jutting out and shivering the tiniest bit. Whatever Anya knew, Lexa wasn't sure sating her morbid curiosity would be worth it, which was a little unsettling. Perhaps more than a little, honestly. "Anyway, I'm completely off track with what I wanted to say."
"So, aside from me being a disappointment, what else did you want to discuss?" Lexa let out, having hoped that their talk would end with Clarke, but apparently Anya had other ideas. Never had she missed Richard Marx quite so much.
Lexa barely threw her arm up to grab the hand-grip in time when Anya swerved hard onto the shoulder of the road, the car skidding to a stop within a few seconds as she stared wide-eyed and expectant at her cousin. Blind instinct had her expecting Anya's familiar intense frustration whenever her cousin experienced some sort of shock or a surprise she didn't like. The woman's form was stiff and tense, leaned forward and bracing against the steering wheel with a white knuckle grip.
However, when her gaze followed up to find Anya's hardened, averted gaze, it wasn't there. And second by second, one shuddering breath at a time, that tension fell away until Anya was bowed against the wheel, eyes brimming and full with tears.
Lexa pushed through the confusion and questions that fought to keep her body still and distant, the familiar need to observe and understand swept away by the most minute trembling of Anya's shoulders. She hauled her body across the console to pull Anya into a tight embrace.
Any words she could have thought up to clarify what she might have meant died when Anya's arms wrapped around her, foreheads touching as Anya's amber gaze bore into her own. "Never..." Anya choked out fervently, one hand dragging up to her face, thumb caressing her cheek even as a palm pressed hard against her skin. "If I didn't love you so goddamn much, I would fight you, Lexa. You've...you've never been a disappointment. Okay, little one?"
Lexa tried her hand at swallowing back the emotional shrapnel lodged in her throat as she gave a small nod, not quite understanding where this particular brand of intensity was coming from, but appreciating the sentiment too much to really care. "I apologize. I chose my words wrong."
"No, no, I'm the sorry one, I need to apologize, not you. If I made you feel like a disappointment, Lexa, that's on me. Okay?" Anya asked, clearly in full-on mama bear mode now, and Lexa knew there was no stopping that. And alright, maybe she didn't particularly want it to stop just yet, even if she really didn't want to broach a number of subjects Anya could certainly pull out of her. "I...I need you to know...I need you to understand, Lexa...you and Lincoln are it for me."
Lexa felt her face warm at the affection, knowing it was sincere, even if Anya was knee-deep in one of her more overbearing moments. "You're being overdramatic, Anya. I love you, but you're being a major mama bear right now. There's more to your life than just me and Linc."
The sigh that escaped Anya was harsh and a little disbelieving as her cousin leaned backwards a bit to create a bit of distance, tears swimming in dark amber eyes. "Of course, but you two...you're my world. Neither of you could be disappointments in my eyes." Anya let out in a strained whisper, thumb grazing at her cheek once more. "You two are the best things that ever happened to me, and I know...I know I'm graduating this year, and you're just in your first, but I'm not going to leave you all alone, Lexa. I just need you to know that even though things are changing, I will always be here for you, little one."
The swift shift in subject matter was nearly enough to give her whiplash, and though Anya's words had her heart soaring with relief and hope, it was hard to trust that feeling. Even if Anya was about a sure thing as anyone in the world. The fact was that Lincoln's time was largely being monopolized by Octavia and school, with the little that remained mostly going to Anya and his friends. Anya, in turn, would be graduating and entering the workforce, would likely have a girlfriend of her own in Raven to monopolize her time, and had a new interesting friend in Clarke to dote on. It was hard to see room in either of their lives for her after this coming semester. It was hard to enjoy her last remnants of time with them when they were slipping through her fingers like sand from an hourglass.
No, she didn't need to talk about that. Not on a drive back home.
"I know you love me, Anya. What does your talk with Clarke have to do with it?" Lexa asked in hopes for a diversion, feeling for once much more comfortable discussing the blonde than Anya's soon to be tenuous place in her life.
Anya's face fell, softening at her words as those uncharacteristic tears finally overflowed, the hand on her cheek slipping back to run through her hair. "My point was that I'm bringing Clarke into the fold as my friend, but that doesn't mean you're not still my number one girl, Lexa. Always have been, always will be." Anya insisted, amber eyes searching hers with desperate intensity for some sign of acknowledgement. All Lexa could do was hope that her cousin could see the hope and trust she felt reflecting back through her own gaze. "No matter my work after school, no matter what happens with Raven, no matter how close I get with Clarke...you're my little one. I'll be at your games, I'll be there for lunches and dinners, I'll be there to go on walks with you, I'll be there to talk whenever you want...all so long as you want me around."
In truth, she'd been waiting, hoping for those words for months now, and it was hard not to desperately cling to them and trust her cousin to live up to them. Anya had been there, by her side, through everything since her parents passed away; the thought of losing her cousin, her best friend, her mentor, her surrogate parent, would stir a pain deeper and more devouring than any physical injury she'd ever suffered.
Anya had taught her so well, helped her be stronger, helped her remain calm amidst the storms of her life, but it was the friendship, the comfort, and the love Anya offered alongside that fueled that strength and stability. So she had to be sure, Lexa couldn't leave it up to chance.
"And if work pulls you away? You're not going to be the boss, you won't get to set your own rules, Anya. You might not want to get too busy at work, but it might not be in your control." Lexa noted, voicing one of the bevy of fears she held over the life they'd lead once Anya graduated.
Anya crossed the brief distance between them, pressing salty lips to her forehead. "I'm excited to get into marketing, Lexa. I've got options lined up, I've got friends in the right places to make nepotism work in my favour, but if you think I'm going to put my career ambitions ahead of you, then I might actually fight you. I'm not my parents. You come first, little one, you always will."
Those last three words repeated in Lexa's head, drowning out her doubts and fears, pushing her concerns to the periphery of her mind, at least for the moment. It wasn't that she didn't believe Anya, or that her cousin would try to live up to her words, but it was hard to believe in anything lasting forever after all she'd lived through. It was much more important to focus on the present, and enjoy it for what it is, and Anya's words gave enough hope that she'd have her cousin for longer than she'd initially thought.
And, really, that called for a bit of celebration, and a return to the lightheartedness of their trip before this conversation. Still, Anya had been open enough, strong enough to say what needed to be said. Lexa knew she could return the favour with words her cousin had long since earned.
"You know you're kind of the best mom I could ask for, right?" Lexa let out quietly, hoping her words would hit their mark and sound as sincere as they were despite the nerves rushing through her body.
Anya's jaw slipped, alert eyes widening at her word, amber irises melting into the glimmer of tears that covered them as her cousin stared back, unblinking and breathless.
She would have left it there, content to turn the radio on, had she not seen a flicker of doubt smooth across Anya's features. "My mom had me for ten years, she taught me so much, raised me to be a lot of who I am. I loved her so much, and she's so...so much of what I aspire to be, but she's gone. And you came along, and you continued what she started, Anya. You took the torch and ran with it...even if it's not government official, it's real where it counts. I know she would have been happy that I have you, that you raised me well. You're an amazing mom...and you're my favourite cousin, even if I'd prefer you not tell Lincoln that."
Anya's sudden watery laughter filled the car, and Lexa couldn't help but laugh as well, knowing exactly what was in store for her and Lincoln for the rest of the holidays. "You'd best believe I'm holding that over Lincoln's head when he gets home." Anya spoke through laughter, trying to discreetly wipe away her tears, to restrain the brilliant smile that was blooming larger by the second. "You know, why don't we put on some Taylor Swift, just this once?"
Lexa's jaw dropped, recalling all the times that Anya had refused to play any of her favourite singer-songwriter's music in the car. All the times she'd try to sneak it on, and Anya would pull out the CD and toss it in the backseat without a second thought. Lexa had expected some reaction from her cousin, of course; perhaps a hug, or another forehead kiss, or all the other forms of affection Anya liked to sneak in when she thought she could get away with it. It was easy to forget, sometimes, how often Anya could touch her without even laying a finger on her. "Yeah?"
Anya just shifted the car into drive and checked her mirrors, Lexa thrilled to see her cousin's smile was showing no signs of fading. "Yeah, why not? Though, you'd better hurry before I change my mind and toss on some Marx or Voisine."
Lexa didn't need to be told twice, quickly rummaging around in her bag and pulling out Red, not hesitating for a second before ejecting Anya's mix-CD and slipping some Swift in. She'd heard Anya singing along to 'Right Here Waiting' and 'Kissing Rain' far too many times, after all. With all the relief and joy buzzing through her, she knew it'd be hard to keep from singing along. And maybe, just maybe, she'd sing anyway.
It'd been so long since she'd felt so happy, so free, after all. And when 'State of Grace' started up, and she sang along, and Anya just rolled her eyes and smiled bigger and brighter, well, she knew it'd be a good day. A truly good day.
With Anya at her side for it, that was worth everything.
As far as Clarke was concerned, every inch of her body felt cold as ice, the wet snow that was still partially matted in her hair not improving her situation in the least. She honestly wanted to blame Octavia for bailing on her, but she'd since come to the conclusion that had her roommate stuck around for Raven's onslaught of machine propelled snowballs, there only would have been two girls frozen and covered in wet snow instead of just her.
Even with the snowball massacre, which was about as fun as being pummeled with a dozen snowballs in quick succession could be, it had been a pretty uplifting night. Clarke hadn't been sure what to expect from spending Christmas with Raven and Octavia, but it'd honestly been pretty much all she'd hoped it would be.
They'd spent much of the day just hanging out and relaxing, mixing in some baking of cookies and homemade candy canes, Christmas movies, and snowman building. Which, with some nudging from Octavia, had turned into defacing Raven's snowman, which had Clarke in her current chilly situation.
"There we go...one space heater for my favourite princess." Octavia offered with a laugh, hauling a seriously big space heater into the middle of the living room. Excited at the possibility of warming up, Clarke grabbed her previously discarded t-shirt and made a second attempt at getting the leftover wetness out of her hair as she settled down in front of it and turned it on. The nearly immediate heat emanating from the machine, plus Raven's sherpa hoodie that she'd been offered after her defeat was secured, ensured she'd be warm soon enough, thankfully.
"Thanks, O. Maybe I'll call off the hit I put out on you for your heinous betrayal." Clarke quipped with a smirk, watching her roommate plop down onto the couch and cocoon herself in Raven's favourite blanket. It was only a matter of time before Raven would try to confiscate it, but trust Octavia to fight their host for it every time they hung out at their favourite genius' home.
"Does it make any difference that I ordered us Chinese for dinner? From that place we like?" Octavia asked, voice halfway muffled by the blanket the girl was growing more and more cocooned within.
And that really was a fair question, because she really was hungry, and she wasn't in the mood for turkey. "Hmmm...is there any General Tso's chicken in it for me?"
"Of course. As if I could forget how much you like that boring crap, Clarke." Octavia griped, rolling over onto her side on the couch, head resting on the armrest as her roommate resembled a burrito, which only had Clarke's stomach rumbling a bit more than it was before.
"Your face is boring." Clarke shot back, sticking her tongue out at her friend, who had at least one eye peering out from her blanketed cover. "And the chicken's tasty! So what if it's, like, three times my recommended daily sodium intake? I haven't been drinking the tears of my enemies with us on hockey hiatus for the past two weeks, it balances out."
Octavia hummed and stretched out a bit in her blanket cocoon. "Mmm, yeah, Dartmouth's tears were delicious, weren't they?" Her roommate noted contently, settling back into her nook against the armrest. "I can't say how freaking happy I am that we don't play another game until the seventh. Anya and Lexa have to play on New Year's Eve and the third before our back to back against each other on the tenth, and I don't envy them at all for that."
"They'll have more time to prep for us between games, and they'll start the weekend series at home, though. And honestly, Dartmouth and UConn aren't exactly hockey superpowers. We've got to deal with Boston U, and then deal with tackling the Huskies just days later." Clarke countered, grimacing slightly at the reminder that she'd have to brush up on more video of both BU and NU leading up to the seventh, not wanting to be any less than a hundred percent prepared. Especially given the fact that Northeastern was ahead in the standings, and her Eagles were just a little ahead of BU, there really wasn't any margin for error. "We scraped by with a tie last time, which helps, but we need to at least split the series. Our conference is top heavy this year and a slip will put BU ahead of us, and we don't want to be the third seed at the end of the year."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's enjoy our winter break, I guess. God knows Kane will probably torment us enough in practice next week." Octavia groaned, though perked up when Raven emerged from the garage, where she'd been tuning up and drying out her home-made snowball launcher. The shit-eating grin on her face spelled trouble, so Clarke decided to focus on the candy canes the girl was holding.
"I take it you losers are done moping about my overwhelming victory, and that any minor offensives against my snowmen will end in your tears...or, at least with your faces all red and sore from a volley of cold snowballs." Raven asked, clearly still gloating over her shenanigans from earlier. As if her and Octavia's minor desecration of Raven's snowmen was at all worthy of the snowpocalypse brought down on her.
Clarke scoffed and scooted a little closer to the space heater. "I'm glad to know how humble and gracious you are in victory."
"You know it, babe. I don't have room for hubris." Raven added with a teasing wink, before practically hopping onto Octavia and playing drums on her head with some canes. "But I can dole out some sanctions on losing parties that weren't served justice."
"Ever the bastion of fairness, Raven." Clarke mumbled as Raven kept whacking her roommate in the head while O growled and rolled around, trying to avoid the playful strikes. About as effective as a burrito could be at avoiding a hungry mouth, but Clarke could give her credit for trying, at least.
Finally, Octavia managed to get a leg free from her blanket cocoon and kicked Raven back, giving her enough space to unwrap herself with an annoyed huff. "Why you gotta be a jerk for Christmas, Raven?" Octavia grouched, taking a swat at Raven when she leaned back in for another mini-assault, O managing to wrest one of the candy canes from her friend.
"Oh come on, O, you know I'll be a jerk for you every day of the week." Raven teased, stuffing a candy cane into her mouth as she settled in beside their resident bundle of fury and tossed Clarke the last remaining peppermint treat.
Clarke caught it and shook it chidingly at her friend. "Careful. One day, someone's gonna take advantage of your generosity."
"Considering I'm hosting this year's 'Cloctaven Christmas Fun Extravaganza', I'd hope neither of you would get any ideas on that front." Raven shot back with a grin, clearly proud of herself for the absurd name she'd attached to their little Christmas celebration.
"Tch. Keep hitting me with candy and maybe next time we'll go to Clarke's place instead." Octavia retorted, swatting away Raven's renewed attempt at annoying her, though Clarke couldn't help but lose focus for a moment as her mind was sent spinning.
Word by word, day by day, she retraced the last few weeks for any possible mention of her father's condo to Octavia, only feeling settled when she was sure she hadn't brought it up. For all I know, she's referring back to Virginia...let's just assume that, and calm the fuck down...
"Awful grouchy when all I want to do is give you some sugar, O." Raven spoke, blowing Octavia a kiss and just barely ducking in time to avoid the pillow flung at her head by the target of her teasing. With Octavia's side of the couch clearly a hostile environment, Raven scooted to the other side and settled against the armrest. "But you know, you do have a point. I'm sure Virginia's got snow right now, but I doubt it's as frigid down there as it is here."
Octavia's face scrunched up in annoyance, one stiff finger pointing in warning at Raven. "First off, fuck you. You can give Clarke some of that sugar... I get plenty as it is, I don't need it. Second..." Octavia started, before shifting her attention to Clarke. "That actually sounds pretty sweet. Bell's gonna be out on the west coast next year with his fiancée so long as she still wants me dead, and I'm not sure that'll settle down as early as next year, so I know my holidays will probably be the same. It'd be cool to visit your old stomping grounds, princess. Plus, Raven found a photo of your mom online and..."
All Clarke needed was to see Raven fidget in embarrassment to know whatever Octavia was going to say would be intensely gross. "I so do not need to hear anything else, O. Seriously." Clarke insisted, eventually earning a reluctant sigh from her roommate, clearly unimpressed at not being able to get a few verbal jabs back at Raven. "And RAVEN. Ew! Don't perv on my mom!"
"You have my word, Clarke. Even if she is a total babe, I'm a one woman lady now. Still, you've got some seriously good genes in you." Raven promised, back to her playful self after her momentary humiliation. "But seriously, we could start a thing? Rotate between homes? It'd at least break from the monotony of Boston."
Octavia nodded along with a candy cane sticking out of her mouth, clearly up for such a plan, and Clarke knew she had an opportunity before her to set things straight. They'd been so lighthearted all day long, and she really didn't want to ruin that, but she didn't want to leave them in the dark for much longer, and she knew they'd press for answers. They'll find out about me and mom eventually, and even if I don't tell them the 'why' of it then, they'll want to know. They'll both push...I don't want to lose them...
Mind reluctantly made up, Clarke got up and migrated to the couch, taking the space between both of her friends. And because she was still the tiniest bit chilly, she pulled the quilt on the backrest down and wrapped it around her shoulders. I'll lay the bait out there, and if they take it, they take it...
"If we do start a thing, I'm sorry to say we'll be staying in Boston for mine." Clarke offered up, tucking her legs beneath her as she settled in for what could be a rough talk. After how things went with Anya a few days prior, she wasn't feeling the same overwhelming anxiety or fear, but the risks remained the same. That much, she couldn't help but be conscious of.
Octavia shot her a puzzled expression and pulled her candy cane free for the moment. "I know your mom's some hot shot surgeon, but is she really the type who would insist on renting somewhere in the city? Don't tell me she's got some vacation home here."
"Remember when you wanted answers, O?" Clarke asked, deciding to just get to the point and cut out any fumbling lead-in, not really having the right headspace for drawing things out. Especially since she knew she wouldn't have the luxury of time that Anya had afforded her last time, not with both Raven and Octavia present.
A flicker of confusion passed through Octavia's eyes before her face smoothed out in understanding, even if the girl's jaw was set and tense. "Today's that day? You're ready?" Her roommate asked, Clarke allowing herself a glance at a confused Raven before giving Octavia a nod.
"Wait, what's going on?" Raven asked warily, shifting closer to Clarke, probably sensing the growing apprehension that the blonde knew must have been coming off of her in waves.
"Octavia's been asking me about my work, and which friend's place I stay at some nights. I asked her to be patient." Clarke answered, earning a quick laugh from Raven, Octavia sticking her tongue out at their friend in return for the clear lack of belief in O's ability to be patient. "I can answer the 'who' and 'where' first, if you want."
Raven's hand found Clarke's shoulder, concerned dark eyes watching her carefully. "Is this going to require some scotch? Because I can get the scotch."
It was a damned nice offer, but Clarke shook her head, knowing it'd be a bad idea. When she drank, she'd get a little over-talkative and over-emotional, and that really wasn't what she needed at the moment. No, she needed control. If things went to hell in a hand-basket, she'd need to be able to drive home."If you and O want some, go for it, but I'll need to stay sober for this one."
"Well, Octavia looks like she's about to burst a blood vessel in her right eye, and a bit of a buzz cuts my snark down when I'm feeling awkward or too emotional, so I think I'll just go get that." Raven said with a bit of a stiff smile, quickly darting off to grab a bottle and two cups from the kitchen behind them.
Raven was definitely still within earshot, so Clarke figured she'd just start, especially with Octavia looking tense enough to implode. "I hope, by the end of this, you'll understand why I didn't tell you earlier, O. You were right a few weeks back, when you called me out for not really being happy this semester. Fact is, I've been dealing with a lot of changes in my life this year, and I needed time to process, and to figure out how to open up."
Octavia nodded along, back to working away at her candy cane just as Raven plopped down beside Clarke, pouring herself a drink before handing O one and setting the bottle on the table.
"My dad used to work a lot in Boston, and one of our family friends, Jason, moved here from back home a few years back, so when I'd come here with my dad, we'd see a lot of each other. His wife's a nurse over at BCH, and they've got a little kid, Ellie, who I'd babysit here and there." Clarke started, drawing another nod from O, though it was clear the girl didn't understand why Clarke was bringing this up. Which, well, fair enough. "Jason, or Nyko as I usually call him, works security. Particularly, the night shift at the building where my dad's condo is. Sometimes, I'd..."
"Wait, your dad's got a condo in the city? Is he here often?" Raven asked, eyes all curious, even if Clarke knew some of that curiosity involved the potential for hangouts somewhere other than her place.
"No..." Octavia interjected before Clarke could answer, voice low with a tremendous amount of confusion packed into such a tiny word. "You told me earlier this semester that your dad passed away." Her roommate continued, delivery slow and cautious, though the suspicion and tension seemed to be fading away. Given the circumstances, it wasn't a bad trade-off.
"He did, almost two years ago. He left me it in his will, it was signed over to me three days before the start of the semester. He knew BC was my first choice." Clarke explained, thankful at the following silence, how quite feeling up to elaborate on his death just yet. "So when I wouldn't come back to the dorm, I'd sleep there, or I'd sleep over at Nyko and Niylah's place if she'd just gotten home from a shift. Their couch isn't all that bad."
Clarke registered the dipping of the couch to her right just before Raven practically leaned up against her, taking a quick swig of whiskey. "So not only do you have a secret hidey-hole to escape to, but you have middle-aged friends. Not exactly earth shattering news, Clarke, even if it's a bit unexpected."
"You always seem so tired, though. I don't get it." Octavia added, bringing their discussion around to one of the easier things to discuss, even if Clarke worried about how O might respond. The last thing she wanted was for her roommate to feel guilty or responsible.
"I have a hard time sleeping when I'm alone. At my dad's old place, the memories I had with him there can help sometimes. Nyko and his family are fantastic to me, but Ellie gets up really early, and sleeping on the couch hardly lets me keep her from waking me bright and early, if I managed to sleep well at all. I sleep better knowing people are around, is all." Clarke clarified, mind working at a frenzied pace to think up something to say when a flash of realization and remorse crossed Octavia's face. "This isn't on you. This is my baggage, you didn't know about any of it, so this isn't on you, O."
Octavia scoffed and downed half her glass in one go, grimacing at its harshness before crossing her arms, shoulders slumping slightly. "Fine." The girl grit out, even though Clarke could tell that in O's eyes, it clearly wasn't fine at all. "What about your work?"
Clarke let out a long exhale as she considered how to handle it. Octavia wasn't the pinnacle of patience, and it wasn't like her situation was anywhere near simple. "That...that's something that needs some context, I guess. Might take a while."
"So long as we don't miss that Air Bud Christmas special at ten, I'm good to go." Raved chirped, and okay, maybe it was nice to laugh a little in advance of what she'd have to haul back up to the surface.
"I'm not watching that 'Santa Buddies' shit, but I don't have anywhere to be, Clarke. Just try and stay on point?" Octavia added, which was reasonable enough. Time would tell if the girl's patience would hold up, but it was good that Octavia wasn't just asking her for the Coles Notes version.
She nodded and pulled the blanket a little tighter around her, clinging to whatever shreds of security she could manage as she psyched herself up. One, two, three steadying breaths later, Clarke swallowed her apprehension and started.
"When my dad died, my mom was a wreck. It was clear as day whenever I saw her how guilty she felt about it all, but she didn't get any help for that. She dove into work, I guess to lose herself within her routines and duties, but that...well, it actually just made things worse whenever she'd get back home." Clarke started, recalling the weeks after her dad's death, when her mom would come home late at night all miserable and angry. How she'd startle awake at the sound of glass shattering downstairs, how she'd plod downstairs the next morning to find her mom gone, or slumped down on the couch. "As time passed, everything that reminded her of him...well, they'd get her angrier, more emotional, and she started making pretty big changes."
The gentle pressure of Raven sidling up against her, the girl genius' hand knitting with one of her own, was comforting enough to relieve some of the tension in her increasingly stiff frame. "We talking some flings for Mama Griffin?" Raven asked in a valiant attempt at helping make things a bit more lighthearted, even if all she could do was shake her head.
"If she did, I didn't know about them. But...no. More like, she sold the only home I'd ever known and moved us to another town nearby because it all reminded her too much of dad. Which pulled me out of my public school, and away from all my friends, and put me into some snobby private school that didn't even have an arts program, where I didn't know anyone. She threw my dad's guitar and all his sheet music into a storage unit. And the last of the big things was she pulled me out of hockey and sold my equipment. It all reminded her of Jake, and so in her eyes, it all had to go. And because she loved me, and couldn't get rid of me, but knew I'd have to leave for school, she...felt she had to change me, I guess." Clarke explained, pushing back all the fury she'd felt back then, all the heartbreak she felt now, and just focused on getting the details out there. She could heal soon enough, when the dust was settled.
"My mom's friend Callie kept pushing for her to get therapy, to go through some grief counseling, because it just wasn't healthy, how she was handling it all, and I'll admit...as a spoiled white girl who was used to getting her way, my life felt like it was falling apart. I'd lost my dad, I'd basically lost my mom, I was far away from enough of my friends for most to lose touch, and I was losing sight of my biggest goal in life...to play in the Olympics for our national team. Dad and I had worked so hard to get me on the right track, and it felt wrong to give up on that, especially when we both had wanted it so bad, when it was one of the last ways that I could feel close to him." Clarke continued picking at her blanket covering a bit as she blinked back her tears at a memory she once felt fondness for. "Wells, my best friend at the time, he helped me find things of mine that I could sell so that I could buy my equipment back, and pay for membership so I could keep playing. I'd never really had an allowance, I'd just make a case for what I wanted, and my parents would get me it if I convinced them, so I didn't exactly have savings, but we made it work. I ran some guitar lessons on the side for some extra coin. My mom wasn't around enough to notice I still played either hockey or music, fortunately."
Octavia coughing after another drink of scotch drew her attention, and her roommate didn't squander the opportunity to interject. "But you came to BC on an athletic scholarship, so she had to find out eventually, right? Like, she's a surgeon...even if she was an absentee parent, she's not an idiot."
Clarke nodded, her heart sinking in her chest at the memory of the morning her mother found out. The morning that everything had changed, really, and set her out on her current path. "Of course she found out."
"I take it she flipped out on you?" Raven asked, which only had Clarke wishing her mom would have just been angry. She could have taken all the shouting and yelling in the world, but her mom was more surgical in her methods.
"She was patient. She waited, and planned, and went behind my back to stop me. I guess she figured if selling my stuff wouldn't stop me, she had to flex a little more muscle where it mattered." Clarke continued, staring down the half-empty bottle of scotch, feeling a pull to at least handle this all without being stone cold sober. "I'd been graduated from high school for a few days before she broke the news that I'd be interning at a local hospital instead of attending BC this year."
A quarter-full glass of scotch entered her field of vision, Raven nudging at her shoulder for her to indulge herself. "I think you're gonna need this after all." The girl stated, and while it really wasn't true, while she really could grit through it all without the edge being taken off by a tiny buzz, suddenly sobriety seemed like more of a luxury than anything.
If I have to, I could call Nyko to pick me up. Things over there will have died down by now, I'm sure he wouldn't hate me for asking... Clarke mused before taking hold of the glass and downing the rest in one go.
It stung, teeth gritting together as she shook off the biting sensation from the scotch. "Growing up, my mom and dad set up a trust, of sorts, to help pay for my undergrad. My dad knew I wanted to go to BC for hockey, and my mom knew I wanted to go there because it'd be great for pre-med. It was a win-win, but when he died, my mom got control of it. And she shut me out." Clarke explained, wishing she felt comforted by the squeeze of her hand; some memories were too bitter to soothe, and she had to focus on explaining her situation in a way that her friends could understand. "She said that she never wanted me playing hockey ever again, and that she'd only give me funding if I went to a school without a hockey program. She said it was for my own good, that she knew what was best for me, and fully committing to being a doctor was that. Growing up, she'd always been controlling, always making the rules and doling out the punishments, but she couldn't just...decide who I was. Who I was going to be."
The room hung in silence for a few long moments as Clarke wondered exactly where to go from there, knowing a lot of issues sprung from her mom's decisions. She hoped Octavia, who had grown up sheltered and under her own mom's iron fist, would empathize with wanting the autonomy to find herself instead of being held back. She hoped Raven, whose mom worked tirelessly to give Raven the freedom to get the schooling she wanted, would recognize herself in Clarke's desire for freedom. Octavia's voice, all perplexed with syllables slipping out hesitantly, drew her back from her thoughts. "But...shit, Clarke, how are you even here? It's over sixty thousand a year to be here. Athletic scholarships only give, like, twenty."
Clarke nodded along to that, deciding the topic of financial support was about as good a topic to start with as any. "Yeah, without my mom's support, without the trust, I didn't have much hope of raising enough to cover my costs here. When my mom's making half a mil a year as a chief orthopaedic surgeon, and has the money from my dad's life insurance and the trust... it didn't even matter that my dad's condo wasn't a possession of mine at the time, I wasn't eligible for any financial assistance according to FAFSA, anyway. I did well enough in school, and was aggressive enough in seeking out bursaries and other scholarships, but I was still a little over twenty-seven short even if I threw all my savings from guitar lessons at it."
Raven tugged at her hand a little, pulling her attention to the right, where her friend was watching with inquisitive eyes. "What about taking a year off? I know it's not always ideal, but people make it work."
"Taking a year off to save money would hurt my chances at making Team USA, because with the Olympics basically a year away right now, I'd miss my shot at making the team this time around, and I'd have to wait until my undergrad was finished to try again. And it'd still leave me struggling with raising enough money to cover expenses year on year, because eventually the cost of school would catch up to my earnings. Not to mention, it'd cut out any chance of me getting internships that weren't very well paid, because going to school full time, working full time, and playing hockey with a hefty part-time schedule? Not sure how I'd handle that. I needed to get in this year, and I needed a way to afford it and let me focus on improving my play enough to make the selection camp." She continued, hoping her rationale was making sense to her teammates, knowing that her approach wasn't necessarily ideal for all, despite it being the best option she could think of for her specific situation.
"I petitioned BC for some loans to cover some of the rest, as a last ditch effort, but they shut me down on that front because I have next to no credit history and because my mom's rich. Not even Coach Kane could convince them. It was a little too late to get a good summer job, and nothing really paid well enough to make up that kind of difference. Even with monthly payment deferrals, I'd still need to pull full time hours all through school at a pay rate I wasn't qualified to earn. I had to choose...give up on my father, my passion, and my dream I'd been working at since I was a little kid, or do what I had to in order to get my shot." She explained, catching Raven shifting beside her, staring off across the room blankly, seemingly lost in thought as the blonde laid out her financial situation.
"Oh." Raven let out softly, slumping back a little beside Clarke. It wasn't much of a surprise; Raven was too smart to not figure it out.
Octavia, it seemed, needed a little help, leaning forward with intensity shining in her eyes, all taut and tense. "What 'oh'? What does that mean? What do you mean, Clarke?" Octavia pushed, sounding increasingly agitated, never having enjoyed being caught out of the loop. And by how hard O was gripped the couch cushions when Raven ran a hand down her face, still lost in thought, Clarke knew she'd have to calm her roommate down herself.
"I sold everything I could afford to sell. Everything. And then I got a hold of a girl I graduated with, who I'd heard some things about. She helped me with some basics, and soon enough, I was escorting." Clarke laid it out there, keeping her careful gaze on Octavia as her roommate's expression went blank. "Living so close to Washington let me take advantage of the amount of wealthy politicians, government workers, and businessmen with money to toss around. Given a lot stay in hotels already, or in short term rentals, it made things...more accessible. Being young, blonde, white...it opened doors and..."
"Oh, fuck off, Clarke!" Octavia shot up from the couch, hand running through her hair as she marched over to Raven's computer desk and grabbed her stress ball, proceeding to squeeze the hell out of it and toss a heated glare Clarke's way. "Are you kidding me? A hooker?! You're fucking sleazeballs for cash?"
"O..." Clarke started, trying to push past the whorephobic slur and the renewed stifling brain freeze of anxiety to work together an explanation that could hopefully calm her friend, but Raven's low growl beat her to the punch. Which, well, might have been for the best with how her lungs were starting to burn and air was getting harder to come by.
"You need to calm your shit and get back over here." Raven bit out slowly in a deadly rumble that maybe would have scared her if she wasn't such good friends with the girl.
The stress ball flew fast and hard through the air, just missing Raven's head and bouncing off the couch's backrest. "Don't tell me you're alright with this, Raven! Clarke, do you know how fucking illegal that is? How fast you'd get kicked off the team if the school found out?!"
"And she's not telling the school, or the police. She's telling us, Octavia. I love you, but you need to get your ass over here, okay?" Raven shot back as she reached out an arm and beckoned their pacing, incensed friend closer.
Clarke waited, heart thumping away beneath her rib cage as Octavia and Raven had some sort of glaring contest, Raven seated on the couch all coiled up and coolly scowling, while Octavia was that familiar bundle of fury, still pacing a few feet away and seeming as if she could explode at any moment.
It was the slight shake of Octavia's head as dark eyes flickered her way, the soft frown breaking the girl's hard mask, and O letting out a hard exhale from her nose, that relieved the mounting tension in the room. "Shit." The girl muttered, tromping over to the couch and plopping down beside her.
"Thanks, Octavia." Raven noted with audible relief, earning a renewed scowl from Octavia.
"I didn't do it for you." Her roommate sniped back before punching Clarke hard in the shoulder. "What the fuck were you thinking? You know how dangerous it is out there alone!" Octavia blurted out, hitting her shoulder again as those dark eyes got a little glassier. "All those times you left, any of those creeps could have...fuck!" Octavia continued with another punch, weaker this time as her body sagged, all that anger burning away to reveal the worry that had apparently fueled it. "This fucking sucks, Clarke."
"I know." She offered in return, pulling Octavia closer and into a hug that might not have been eagerly returned, but was returned nonetheless. "But I'm safe. The fact that there's security at my building keeps people in line, and I put a lot of work into screening clients. I don't really do outcalls, so only the people I want to see get to come up to visit me, since the elevator's under lock and key. I'm lucky to have the protections I do, it helps make it just another job. I don't have to like it, it's not nice or easy, but it just has to pay the bills."
As she spoke, she could feel Octavia's frame slacken, if just a little bit. Still, it was enough, especially when Raven reached across and tugged all three of them together. "You know this means we'll be hanging out at this place of yours. 'Bout time somewhere other than my place gets used for hangouts, and I bet your bed's nice and big."
"I know, Raven. And yeah, my bed can fit at least three." Clarke noted happily, allowing herself a smile with the knowledge that even if her friends could be pests sometimes, she'd welcome them with open arms to her place.
"God, I miss beds I can stretch out in. Better believe I'll see about crashing at your place sometimes." Octavia added before edging out of the group hug a bit. "But I guess that brings us back to what we were talking about earlier. Again, your mom's not stupid...she had to wonder how you could afford school. And, I mean, sorry about being blunt and shit, but you didn't go home for the holidays at all."
Clarke couldn't help but sigh at the reminder, forcing a smile O's way when she spotted the regret in her friend's eyes. It wasn't Octavia's fault that her family life was toxic. "My best friend Wells...he let slip to my mom about what I was doing. Thought he was protecting me, that escorting was too far, and if my mom knew, she could fix things. Instead, she told me I had to leave, and...well, I didn't take that so well, and I lost my best friend over it. He accepted admission to University of Denver at the last minute instead of BU, Nyko let me into my dad's old condo early, and I set up shop here in Boston, starting over fresh."
'Fresh' being a nice way of describing a teenage girl alone in a new city, new school, without any real friends or family to speak of outside of a security guard and his, working a job that had been more than a little scary at the time.
A candy cane tapping against her cheek, which Raven must have pulled out from who knows where, drew Clarke's attention back to the friend more or less holding her from behind. "Well, for what it's worth, you've done pretty well for yourself here, in terms of friends. Gotta say, you know how to pick them, Octavia aside."
A pillow flew past both her and Raven, whizzing past their heads and tumbling closer to the foyer. "Fuck off, Raven. At least when I hang with her, I'm not babbling non-stop about how mesmeric Anya is."
"Don't strain yourself on those fancy words, O, though seriously...as if you have room to talk when you're fawning over Lincoln all day, every day like a cat in heat. I wasn't gonna mention it, because that family has put us all under some weird attraction hex or something, but since you brought it up..." Raven started, clearly happy to take the opportunity to tease Octavia, as well as use Clarke as a personal shield against the increasingly aggravated brunette.
"Don't start with that shit, I was there first! You couldn't even manage to ask her out until, like..."
"This isn't kindergarten, O, but if you want to go out for a recess, I'm sure my snowball launcher's just ready to dole out more justice, so why don't..."
Clarke rolled her eyes at her friends' shenanigans as she filtered their banter out, knowing any hostility or aggression was all just for show, to get a rise out of each other. Besides, Raven's words were still bouncing around in her head, and she couldn't help but grin at her luck, thinking they were true. She really had assembled a good group of friends since she came to Boston, and that was something to take some pride in. It was certainly more than she had expected, going in with no friends or family to start with.
As bad of a year as it had been, Clarke couldn't help but feel good about her momentum leading into the new year. She had a good feeling that there were pleasant surprises in store for her, in the near future, for the first time in a long time. And that, along with a great stable of friends, that was worth smiling about.
Well, that and the knock at the door, signaling their Chinese food had arrived.
A/N: Well, this took forever and a day. I went through a lot of rewrites, trying to make sure the chapter flowed well, and I'm not sure I'm 100% satisfied. I think it's the heaviness...two straight heavier sections add a lot of weight to an already long chapter, word-wise. I hope it's fine for you all, I decided to go with what I have no and move on.
Anywho, thanks so much for reading! I hope you've had fantastic weekends :D
