It was the softest brush of skin against her cheek that edged her out of the firm grasp of slumber, a vague but growing sense of awareness letting her know that she was both very warm and very trapped. First, it registered solely as a firm weight; the presence of limbs coiled around her body, as if to tenderly embrace every square inch of her, was something she recognized in the serene seconds that followed.
Lexa...she recalled with a content smile as what she guessed was a nose brushed against her cheek again, a warm puff of air washing against the corner of her jaw. Guess she really didn't sneak away, after all...
Clarke willed her eyes to open, her pupils adjusting to the darkness quickly enough to make out the side of Lexa's face. She didn't usually see such serenity on the girl, and took a few quiet moments to fully appreciate how peaceful and beautiful her sleeping bedmate was.
Still, a quick glance at her clock revealed it was time to wake up. So, with immense effort and patience, Clarke managed to slink herself out of Lexa's grasp in only a few minutes' time. Everything pounding away in her heart yearned to press the softest of kisses to Lexa's face, wanting to steal away just a few more moments before their illusion shattered and fell away.
No, I had my chance last night, and I pressed hard enough then. Today's a new day, and I can't just pretend it's not. I can't pretend she'll see me the same way she did last night. I'll just...have to let that kiss be enough... She mused with a shake of her head as she left the bed and padded into the bathroom to start her morning routine. An abbreviated one, knowing she'd need to take a day off to get her head straight enough to handle work, so she could afford some laziness.
It wasn't surprising at all that Lexa was still fast asleep when Clarke exited the bathroom, freshly showered and dressed. What was surprising was that the brunette had taken to clutching Clarke's pillow, Lexa's slumber having taken a turn for the restless.
The last thing Clarke wanted was for Lexa to wake up all troubled and off-kilter, so she scrapped her more elaborate breakfast plans and decided on something simpler and quicker to make. She didn't keep her fridge stocked with much, but she had enough to make some breakfast smoothies, and she had some homemade granola bars wrapped up in there as well.
Clarke felt thankful for the level of insulation and soundproofing in her condo, knowing it was unlikely the sleeping girl would wake from the brief whirring of her blender. She made quick work of her own smoothie, pouring it in a tall glass while emptying Lexa's in a thermos to keep hers cool in case it took time to wake her.
Carefully and quietly, she made her way back to the bedroom and sat their food on her nightstand before getting back into bed. Lexa was clutching the pillow hard against her, brow furrowed as the girl shifted restlessly in her sleep, letting out the occasional sound that made Clarke aware that whatever dream Lexa was having, it wasn't a happy one. Maybe...maybe if I sit in beside her, and wake her that way, it'll help? She doesn't look comfortable...
As gently as she could, Clarke managed to wrest the pillow free from Lexa's grasp, only to startle at the sight of fresh tears traversing her bedmate's suddenly distraught face, body shuddering and lazily trying to find the comfort Clarke had taken from her.
In a single smooth motion, the pillow was placed behind her as a backrest, and she'd closed the distance, pulling Lexa's arms around her body, immediately stilling the sleeping girl. A soft, content sigh escaped Lexa, the brunette curling up against her and burying her face in the blonde's chest.
Maybe it was selfish, and maybe it was wrong to feel happy about how willing Lexa was to hold her in her sleep, but when her time with the brunette was quickly running out, she was all too willing to cherish those last few moments. Sipping away at her smoothie with Lexa snuggled up against her was simply a pleasure she couldn't deny herself.
Because this could be it for us...and since she hasn't woken yet, it's not technically tomorrow...she doesn't have to deal with anything, yet. She...Lexa wanted to hold me when we went to bed, she'd be okay with this, right? I think so... Clarke willed herself to believe, placing her finished cup on her nightstand, knowing she was running out of time.
Lexa twitched in her arms and let out a groan, drawing her attention. Clarke rubbed a hand down the brunette's back, lifting her other hand to gently run through Lexa's silky smooth chestnut locks. Her digits brushed across those gorgeous high cheekbones, the pad of her thumb caressing her bedmate's delightfully smooth skin. She drank in each moment touching Lexa like that, knowing each brush of the cheek could be her last.
Though meant to comfort and calm, her affections weren't stilling the sleeping girl's restlessness, so Clarke put a little space between them and shuffled down a bit. Her lip stung from the pressure of her teeth as Lexa clung hard to her, clearly not happy with the idea of her warm body leaving, even if Clarke wasn't planning on it.
"Shhh...hey, it's okay. You're okay..." Clarke murmured as she slipped down on the bed, face to face with the brunette, still applying a soft caress to the girl's cheek, brushing away the remnants of fallen tears, hoping to at least calm Lexa before she woke. Thankfully, the sound of her voice seemed to help her bedmate calm more and more by the second, re-establishing the light, comfortable embrace Clarke had woken up to.
Which, while wonderful, just reminded her that if she took much longer, she'd end up late for meeting with Anya. And as much as she loved the simple pleasure of lying in bed with Lexa, she knew that she had a lot to go over with Anya, and any abnormal delay would cause more worry than Clarke could stomach inflicting.
Clarke added the slightest bit more pressure to her touches, deciding to wake Lexa now and get them both on their way, knowing she had a walk to get to, and Lexa would want to get home soon. "Lexa...Lexa, wake up, you snooze monster. Open those pretty eyes for me..." She whispered with a smile, the brunette's eyelashes fluttering a bit in protest before those emerald eyes were squinting back at her, all groggy and far too cute. Made it impossible to keep from gracing that beautiful face with her touch a few more times. "Hey, good morning. How'd you sleep?"
Lexa stared blearily at her, eyes fighting to focus and lips forming a disgruntled pout before the girl let out a grunt. "Morning. Tired." The girl noted gruffly, head angling ever so slightly into her touch.
Clarke couldn't help but laugh, having heard that Lexa wasn't much of a morning person before a certain hour. There in her arms, clearly a bit grumpy over having her sleep disturbed, it had Clarke's heart aching at the thought that maybe she wouldn't experience this again.
"Sorry. I'm leaving in a few, and I wanted to make sure you had some breakfast before I left. I made you a smoothie, it's on the nightstand." Clarke murmured, not wanting to speak too loudly and disturb the slowly sobering girl in her arms, but also wanting to try and establish a bit of distance.
After all, their time was up, now. Their Cinderella story was over, and she'd have to run off, but the difference was that Lexa probably wouldn't go after her. There wouldn't be any mystery, no glass slipper, no search, no fairy tale ending. She'd loved the movies growing up, but Clarke was pretty sure those kinds of things didn't exist. If they did, they certainly didn't happen to girls like her.
By the growing tension in Lexa's body, she knew they were both aware of it. That last night would be a one-off, a shared moment of comfort and calm, and nothing more. But what a night it was...
At Lexa's slow nod and loosening grip, she continued, just about every cell in her body being fueled with the sudden urge to just finish it and get on her way so she could breathe. "If you don't like it, feel free to anything in my kitchen, I don't mind. You're welcome to stay as long as you want to, just use the lock on the doorknob when you go, okay?"
Lexa's arms retracted, quickly if tactfully. Not quite like she'd been burned, but definitely with a sense of urgency that had Clarke's stomach churning. "Of course, Clarke." Her bedmate's response was swift, eyes averting to the small space between them, gaze nearly intense enough to burn a hole in her mattress.
Clarke swallowed her despair alongside the rejection and moved to sit up, no longer having the excuse of Lexa's arms to keep her there. Still, that selfish part of her that was urging her to stay, to try and make something from last night, it had her crossing that distance and pressing the briefest of kisses to Lexa's cheek. It wasn't much, but it seemed safe enough, a fitting punctuation for their time together, and it did manage to regain the girl's attention.
"I have to go meet up with Anya, so for now...may we meet again." Clarke let out, barely allowing herself a second more with Lexa in her sights before leaving the bed, grabbing her bag, and heading out of her condo.
As much as she wanted to stay, that apartment would always be a reminder of her past and what she's lost. Lexa's presence there only seemed fitting in that context.
The open air outside her condo building lacked the usual sharp sting of the early morning chill, not allowing her even a momentary distraction from the feeling that she'd need to put more than physical distance between herself and Lexa if she wanted to move on.
There'd be time for that, though. And, hopefully, Anya would be there to help.
In was uncharacteristically warm for a late December morning, the wind calm enough to barely register, the air barely holding any bite at all as it held steady just below freezing. Anya didn't really even need her bulky winter coat, but weather could be unpredictable, and she wasn't sure how long her morning walk with Clarke would last.
Truth be told, she barely slept a wink all night, even after Clarke had checked in with her, telling her Lexa had come back, that they were setting up to watch TV, and that things seemed to be alright. Sleep still hadn't come to her when Clarke messaged her hours later that they were prepping for bed, and that she was looking forward to seeing her come the morning.
The whole night had been a blur of nerves and worries basically from the moment Clarke called her and onward. Clarke had barely gotten out a handful of syllables before Anya could tell her friend was crying and in a panic, and increasingly desperate. When the initial edge to the words fell away to Clarke pleading with her, and full-on disclosing her work and the fact that Lexa had inexplicably and inadvertently been a client? Anya was sure her body didn't stop shaking until well past three, the storm of consequences and issues it'd cause keeping sleep at the edges of her mind. Well, that and planning the demise of two of her fellow teammates.
She knew when Lexa tended to wake up, and made sure she was out of the dorm room before her little one returned, knowing that Lexa tended to need a bit of time alone to wrap her head around things at the start. Anya would return later, and offer all the support Lexa needed, but for now, she knew Lexa needed to be alone, and Clarke needed her, so showing up fifteen minutes early at the coffee shop, where Clarke had asked to meet, was an easy decision.
At the very least, it gave her time to consider what the blonde might bring up. Clarke, after all, had made her work explicitly clear now. She'd asserted that Lexa had been sent to her, a place where Clarke could apparently watch television, move furniture around, and stay overnight. Clarke had been vague about what exactly had happened, as well, across all those hours between her phone call and her goodnight text.
It all had Anya on edge, teetering from her heels to the balls of her feet over and over outside of the shop, which annoyed her. Anya Pine did not fidget. And yet...
"Anya!" Clarke's voiced reached her ears, pivoting her in the direction of the blonde, who moved from a brisk walk to a jog when their eyes met. She didn't have much time to gauge her friend's appearance, only noticing that Clarke looked fairly well rested before the girl practically tackled her into a hug, the building behind them the only reason they didn't tumble to the ground from the impact.
Her arms went around the younger blonde on instinct as Clarke squeezed her tightly. It wasn't rare that they'd hug, but the intensity of it was unusual, and it stretched on for full seconds longer than others in the past, so by the time Clarke pulled away with a sheepish smile, Anya was doubly worried.
"Is everything okay?" She asked, searching Clarke's face for any answers. No red-rimmed eyes, so no crying, at least. Clarke's left eye wasn't doing that twitchy thing it did when the blonde was overtired, so that was a plus, as well, given how few hours of sleep the girl must have had. However, she couldn't quite read Clarke's expression for a lead, and that was disconcerting.
"I don't know, I guess we'll have to wait and see. But you're here...so even if it's not, it will be." Clarke noted with a casual sense of certainty, staring up at her with all the softness in the world, all red-cheeked with a bit of hope glimmering in her eyes. Perhaps it was how unexpected the words were that had Anya feeling her throat clench a bit, eyes stinging with the threat of oncoming tears from Clarke's admission.
She blinked away any wetness and let herself smile, the rush of pride and adoration flooding her body. "We'll make sure it will, I promise." She said as she pulled Clarke closer and into another hug. "I apologize for my manners...good morning, Clarke."
"Morning, Anya." Clarke offered warmly in return as they separated, clear blue eyes scanning her thoughtfully as a frown formed on the girl's lips. "You didn't get enough sleep. Why don't we grab some coffee and relax back at my place? I think this is more of a sit down talk, anyways."
Anya knew she'd be getting plenty of exercise later in the day at practice, and she really could use some added rest, even if it was partially spent on uncomfortable car seating. With a nod, they entered the cafe, got their orders, and were soon on their way back to Clarke's car.
They walked in amicable silence, as they tended to more often than not, but with the amount of questions bubbling inside of her, it was hard to keep from blurting any of them out. She felt fortunate that when one did, it wasn't anything too intrusive. "Had Lexa left by the time you were gone?"
Clarke shook her head, a small restrained smile blooming on her lips. "I woke her up just before I left. I don't think she set her phone alarm, and I didn't want her to sleep in, knowing she'd probably want to get back home."
Anya nodded and sipped her drink, knowing that as much as she liked the prospect of Lexa getting a good night's sleep, her little one would probably freak out about sleeping in, and would wrestle with herself over what that might mean, if anything. Lexa didn't need that, so she was happy Clarke had made that call.
"Does she have to check out?" Anya asked, trying to gauge whether or not Clarke had used a hotel, knowing guests usually needed to be signed in.
"Nah, I talked to my security guy, Nyko, on the way out. He'll sign Lexa out when she comes down to the lobby, he's good like that." Clarke answered with a smile before guzzling down a good portion of her drink, as usual.
The thought of Clarke having security set Anya awash with relief she hadn't known she'd needed until then, suddenly feeling much more comfortable with Clarke's working conditions. "You have a bodyguard?"
Clarke's laughter diminished her newfound confidence, but only slightly. "Nyko's the evening shift security guy at my condo."
Anya willed herself not to do a spit-take at the revelation, forcing the hot drink down her throat before considering Clarke's words fully. It certainly made sense of why Clarke was moving furniture last night, and it brought clarity to what her friend had told her weeks and weeks ago.
"Nyko...are you talking about your family friend, Jason, who you mentioned works security?" She asked, feeling a little relief at Clarke's nod.
"Yeah, I call him Nyko for short, like my dad used to. But to soothe any worries, and pre-empt your inevitable interrogation, he's Jason Panyko. Ex-marine who spent nine years in active duty, and was honorably discharged. He's in his mid-thirties, married, and has a daughter who I've babysat in the past, and he's full time security and a part time volunteer firefighter. Anything else you want to ask about?" Clarke listed off before shooting her a knowing grin, and okay, perhaps she would have drilled Clarke for details on the way back to the blonde's place.
"Nothing too pressing...for now." Anya declared as she got into the passenger side of the SUV, waiting for Clarke to get in before continuing. "Does he know what you do?"
Clarke stored her coffee cup in the holder, started her vehicle, and checked her mirrors before answering. "No, he thinks I'm having an adventurous freshman year. He's a burly, intimidating-looking guy, though, and since people have to sign in and have him let them up to my floor, it keeps folks honest and on their best behaviour."
Anya fought to hold her poker face, willing to keep her lips from curling into a smile at the thought of someone scaring Clarke's clients towards decent behaviour. She wouldn't openly admit it, but it felt good knowing someone was watching out for her sky girl.
Any worked at finishing her drink and warming up while Clarke drove, but when the blonde took a turn onto a street that definitely didn't lead into BC's campus, she couldn't help but make note of it. "I thought you were taking me back to your place."
Clarke's teasing grin spiked her annoyance when it was the only response she was given for nearly half a minute. She was about to push for an answer when Clarke pulled into the parking lot of a tall and rather nice looking high rise. "I told you I'd take you back to my place. I didn't say my dorm."
Anya gave the blonde a light shove and shook her head as Clarke laughed. "Could have warned me. I don't suppose I'll get to meet this Nyko today?"
"He got stuck on an overnight for once, and his shift ends in an hour, so he should be around." The blonde noted as she shut the car off and grabbed her drink. "Ready?"
Anya nodded, grabbed her drink, and got out, a beep sounding off behind them signalling the doors were locked as they headed up to the building and into the foyer. It was a nice place, with marble floors and a security desk straight ahead. She allowed herself a nod of approval at the man, who was definitely burly, bearded, and wore a messy mohawk. The man looked like he'd be more at home at a biker bar than at a nice condo building, and she felt infinitely satisfied about him, especially when his eyes lit up at the sight of Clarke.
"Hey, back so soon? Don't tell me you forgot your key again." The man spoke, leaning forward on his desk and smiling brightly at the both of them.
"You gotta give me a break, Nyko. It's only been five times." Clarke countered with playful exasperation, both Anya and the security guard rolling her eyes at her words. "But no, we're just here to enjoy one of our last free mornings before school starts up again. Nyko, this is Anya Pine, a close friend of mine. Anya, this is Jason, my dad's best friend."
The man reached out for a handshake and Anya quickly accepted, appreciating his firm grip. "Nice to meet you. A friend of Clarke is a friend of mine." The man noted jovially before narrowing his eyes at her with a thoughtful look. "You don't happen to play hockey, too?"
Anya cocked her head to the side, knowing it wasn't often she was ever recognized in public for that. "I do, for Northeastern. I captain the Huskies."
"I thought I recognized you somewhere. I've done my best to catch Clarke's games here in Boston, your school made you out to be a pretty big deal, and you didn't disappoint. Can't say I've seen passing like that in a long time. Just wish you played for the right team." The man joked, and she couldn't help but feel a little pride at the compliment. It was nice for her hard work to be recognized.
"Clarke's more than aware that I plan to crush her in the upcoming home and home series, but I'll certainly do my best to ensure my passing burns her Eagles." She shot back with a grin, eyes darting to the girl in question, who was staring unimpressed at her.
Clarke let out a heavy sigh and shifted her focus back to Nyko. "Anyway...I just want you to know that if Anya ever stops by, you have my ongoing permission to let her up. Any time of the day, even if I'm not home."
Anya had lost track of how many times she'd been surprised this morning, and just let her heart swell at the offer. Once upon a time, she'd offered her dorm room floor to Clarke, and the blonde had been seemingly appreciative of it, even if she really hadn't meant to offer it. Weeks later, and Clarke was opening her home to Anya, in turn. It was almost shocking and overwhelming enough to not notice Nyko posturing up and assessing her with a bit of dramatic sternness. Almost.
"Duly noted. But since Jake can't be here, let me say on his behalf...Clarke's a special lady. She deserves the best, and that's what she's gonna get. That's what I expect from you. Now, if I hear even a word about you making her cry..." Nyko started, clearly giving an abbreviated version of the whole 'what are your intentions with Clarke' talk, and clearly ignoring Clarke facepalming and muttering 'oh my god' into her hand over and over.
"I appreciate your concern..." Anya shot in, earning a warning glare from the man. "...but I'm not dating her. Clarke here is my best friend. Trust me...you have the all-clear from me to bear down on any potential date of hers. She's family."
She watched the man's cheeks bloom red, his gaze shooting off to find Clarke's exasperated blues. "Ah...sorry for jumping the gun there, ladies."
"It's okay, Nyko. I know you're just looking out for me, and I think you won some points with Anya, so I'll just...shake off my embarrassment in the elevator." Clarke stated, face just as amusingly red as Nyko's; honestly, Anya couldn't help but hope that if Clarke and her little one got together, Clarke would witness Lexa's interrogation as well.
"Right, well, sorry again. I'll let you both on up." Nyko asserted, leading them to the elevator and getting them all set up. "Have a good morning, you two."
"Thanks, Nyko. Say hi to the family for me." Clarke added just before the elevator doors closed and they started their ascent.
It wasn't long before they were stepping out into a relatively short hallway containing maybe six units, Clarke leading her down the hall to one of the end ones and unlocking it. "Home, sweet home."
Anya could hazard a guess that the place wasn't often lived in from first glance, the condo void of pictures and other personal memorabilia. She supposed it'd make for a good work environment, but it sure didn't look like a home.
However, seeing the mess of pillows and couch cushions and blankets in the living room did soften the feel of the place. Her mind shot back to that phone call with Clarke, now knowing what the blonde had been doing, moving things around so much. A cuddle pile, Clarke? She mused to herself, taking in the sight of the fireplace and the slew of candles littering the shelves, coffee table, book cases, and mantle. Oh, Lexa would have loved this...and her boots are gone, so I guess she went home...
Clarke slipped off her winter wear and quickly got to re-arranging the couch and coffee table; apparently the girl was up for letting a bit of the previous night's mess stick around to be cleaned up later, what with Clarke plopping down on the couch and patting the space beside her.
Anya was happy to follow suit after removing her coat and boots, Clarke immediately curling up beside her and resting that blonde head on her shoulder. Anya leaned into Clarke's weight and wrapped an arm around her friend's waist and settled in, enjoying the heavenly comfortable couch and Clarke's relaxing warmth.
"So I'm your best friend, now? I'm family?" Clarke murmured, Anya not needing a clear look at the blonde's face to see there was a teasing grin to match her tone.
"You're the closest friend I've had in a very long time, Clarke. It...just seemed fitting to call you my best friend. And that makes you family, in my eyes. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Anya apologized, knowing that Clarke had filled her heart to the brim with some wonderful emotions, and they'd spilled out a bit down in the lobby.
"No, no, I'm not freaked out or anything, trust me. It actually feels pretty amazing. I'm just kind of miffed that I didn't get to say what I wanted to say first." Clarke clarified to Anya's relief, and that caught her attention, because Clarke had certainly said a lot so far that morning, a lot of which had Anya feeling pretty special. She couldn't imagine what Clarke had been holding back.
"Which is...?" She probed, not at all sure what her friend could have on her mind.
Clarke swallowed hard and tightened her hold on Anya's arm, cuddling closer. "When I called you the first time last night, I was scared and desperate. And I think I scared you, too, and even through my panic you helped me calm down, and you were there for me and..." Clarke started, not at all inaccurate in saying she'd been scared. Anya had, for those few brief moments, been terrified something bad had happened to one or both of Clarke and Lexa. All she'd been able to focus on was Clarke sounding tremendously upset and speaking Lexa's name. "...And you accepted me. You let me know I wasn't alone. You gave me strength, and you gave me hope, and I love you so much for that."
Suddenly, there wasn't enough oxygen in the room to breathe the air that carried those words to her ears. It was all too heavy, and her throat wasn't cooperating, and her heart was thudding erratically, and nothing could stop the storm of tears swelling in her eyes now.
Letting out the last of the air in her lungs with a shaky sigh, Anya buried her emotions in Clarke's hair and held her close, halfway wishing she didn't have practice and could instead just relax together with her best friend. "Oh, my sky girl, I love you too." Anya murmured, pressing a breathless kiss to the blonde's crown. "But you have to stop making me cry, it's bad for my image."
"Sorry, I don't make the rules." Clarke let out with an airy laugh. "Besides, you've got intimidation in spades. Anyone who's seen you training knows you're badass. It's just some of us know the state secret that you're a literal marshmallow."
Anya rolled her eyes at the assertion and leaned away enough to wipe her tears and throw her best intimidating glare at the blonde. "Clarke, I will suplex you."
Even at her slightly playful threat, Clarke was still smiling widely, all bright eyed and pink cheeked like she'd just won something special. Which may or may not have reduced Anya's insides to goo. "Nope. You looove me too much." Clarke practically laughed out the words, and while they might have been entirely true, she didn't have to give the blonde a total and utter victory.
"You underestimate my love for suplexes." She retorted with a grin as she pulled Clarke closer once more. "You're lucky I'm choosing to rest with you instead, really."
"Mmhmm. Rest sounds like a great idea." Clarke noted joyfully, Anya letting the blonde shift them around a bit so they were nestled in the corner of the sofa, Clarke resting in her arms.
"So, have you invited anyone else into your inner sanctum?" Anya asked, partly in jest, partly curious as to whether Lexa had been the first to discover Clarke's secret hideaway.
"O and Raven slept over the other night." Clarke answered, bringing a smile to Anya's face. It was good to know Clarke wasn't always alone when she was here; the condo seemed like it could use an injection of life, and she knew those two could certainly manage that. "She sings about you in the shower, you know." The blonde added with a laugh, which might have had some warmth pooling in her cheeks. And maybe she shook a hand in Clarke's hair as payback.
"Raven does not sing about me in the shower..." Anya insisted over Clarke's laughter, the younger blonde doing her best to fix her hair, though the fact that Clarke hadn't recanted her words after a few extra seconds had her wondering. "...does she?"
"Mmhm. Even changed the lyrics a bit to make it seriously gay. If I didn't love you two so much, I'd probably be grossed out at how much of a sappy corndog she is about you." Clarke murmured, sending Anya's teeth nearly through her lip from her efforts in tamping down on the sheer glee her words inspired. She and Raven had only been out on two official dates, but they Skyped once a day, and the more time they spent together, the more willing she was to accept that she'd find ways to fit the other woman into her life. Raven made her happy, and that was worth working for and holding onto. "Hell, bribe Octavia and she'll give you the recording."
The mere notion of Raven singing some sappy song about her in the shower was enough to make her blush. The fact that a recording existed, well, it just meant that Anya would have to get her hands on it. She was pretty sure she knew how to get Octavia to hand it over.
"I'll definitely see about that." She noted as Clarke cuddled a little closer, having given up on fixing her hair for the time being. Between the gloriously cushiony sofa, and the soft and warm body wrapped around her, Anya was supremely relaxed. Yet, it also had Anya wondering if this is where Lexa had camped out last night. She spotted a discarded blanket on the floor, but it was a fair ways away from the sofa, and Lexa wasn't usually so messy.
"So, tell me about last night...did Lexa sleep out here with all the pillows? I'm pretty sure all the candles would have made her feel right at home." Anya asked, finding it amusing just how many candles were scattered around the room. Mood lighting, I imagine, but still...I'm sure Lexa appreciated it. I know she always wants to litter the dorm with candles, but I used my veto on that, just like she vetoed my stereo...
"She likes candles, too? Hmm, good to know. But no, she slept with me." Clarke stated casually, as if it wasn't some utterly shocking bit of information that had Anya's mental faculties reeling. She honestly hadn't even considered the prospect of the two shacking up, given Lexa's intimacy issues. Clarke seemed to notice her tensing up and angled her head up to meet her stunned gaze with exasperated blue eyes. "Not...we didn't have sex! We just...we slept in the same bed."
Anya barely registered her own sigh of relief, knowing that sex would have made for a catastrophic morning for her little one back at their dorm. Still, even sleeping in the same bed was a kind of escalation she hadn't at all predicted. "I'll never underestimate you again, Clarke Griffin. I can't believe you managed to convince her."
"It wasn't hard. She had a long night." Clarke let out, neither sentence making much sense. The past month, Lexa had been trying to avoid Clarke to the best of her ability, and even the moments spent together were filled with a boatload of tension and guilt.
Anya couldn't fathom it not being difficult to convince Lexa, and she couldn't imagine her cousin having a difficult night when Clarke was the one who had been exposed. "Clarke, she found out about you, and you practically had a panic attack on the phone when you called me. She had a long night?"
"She told me about Costia." Clarke whispered lowly, the five words making her lungs feel like they were full of embers, searing a ring around her heart and burning away her ability to breathe.
Costia had been taboo for a long time. Lexa only ever talked to Anya about her ex-girlfriend, and only sparingly, and certainly not without a torrent of tears and anguish. Knowing Lexa had put herself through that emotional gauntlet, knowing she hadn't been there for her little one, it felt like she'd been stabbed. She talked...she...okay...okay, focus. Focus...clearly, Clarke comforted her. They slept together, after all, so she must have...she must have...so Lexa wasn't alone...
"How much?" Anya probed, unsure if she was ready to hear the answer; a part of her had loved being the sole rock Lexa could go to for comfort and support. A larger part, however, loved that Lexa had managed the courage to branch out, and loved that Clarke had been there for her little one.
"Not a lot. She started off with some details, and gave a stripped down version of the basics when it got a little much for her to handle." Clarke stated, voice thick as the younger blonde ducked her head under Anya's chin, hugging her a little closer. "I had no idea she was carrying so much pain and...and guilt. God, I can't even imagine, and I didn't know what I could say or do to make any of it better. I just..."
Anya listened to Clarke's words trail off into a sad sigh. She had never been a tremendously patient person, and that certainly held true right then, though she did manage to keep from physically poking her friend. "You what?"
The gentle rise and fall of Clarke's shoulders let her know that whatever went down last night, Clarke wasn't sure she'd managed to help enough. Which might have had Anya a little on edge, at least until more words spilled out. "I held her. I didn't know what to do, so I just scooted behind her and wrapped her up and told her I wasn't going anywhere. I'm not really sure that was enough...she told me it was okay, but I just wasn't sure, with how quiet she was for the next hour or so. She might have just been putting on a brave face."
Anya shook her head, heart feeling overfull from Clarke's confession. "Oh, she's not able to hide herself when she's talking about Costia, Clarke. She's a bad liar on her best day. If she said she was happy with you holding her, then she was happy. Don't worry...after all, you said she slept with you?"
"Yeah. I'm just worried. She usually kind of falls into me and then flinches once she realizes how close she gets, and that didn't really happen much last night. The only other time she pulled away was after she kissed me, and..." Clarke started, and while Anya had been nodding along, knowing Lexa tended to get close and then pull away, with the pattern repeating, she couldn't help but rear up a bit at the casual, off-hand admission.
"You kissed?! Lexa kissed you?" Anya pressed, needing full confirmation, because this would be new territory. This would potentially mean Lexa could be entirely out of her depth back home.
"You make it sound like it's unbelievable." Clarke groused, perhaps rightfully put off by her tone, but it was just a pretty major shock. Lexa freaked out about holding Clarke's hand, Anya couldn't imagine what a kiss could cause.
"It's just fast, Clarke. It's hard to imagine her just doing that out of the blue." Anya clarified, hoping the younger blonde would understand her concern and minor disbelief at how the two girls had collectively escalated matters between them so quickly. A few hours alone together and all those walls fall away...at that rate, if I got them alone for a weekend, they could end up eloping before stopping to think...
Clarke turned over, wiggled out of Anya's grasp, and sat back on her heels facing her. "I mean...I guess. But it wasn't out of nowhere, it all kind of just built up to it. Even before her freakout, we'd had a glass of wine, a birthday cupcake, and a massage. And after she came back, we cuddled for hours after her talk, she fed me hand to mouth, and maybe I was a little affectionate, you know? Things were intimate."
Anya offered a nod, taking in the string of events with a bit of confusion, and a bit of understanding. Confusion, because that sounded like a lot of hands-on contact between them, which Lexa tended to try and avoid, but she knew that when her little one succumbed to comfort, she tended to yearn for more. It wasn't entirely farfetched to think that Clarke might have managed to pass the usual threshold and keep Lexa comfortable enough to ignore her usual instincts to some extent.
"And then when we cleaned up, she told me she liked my perfume..." Clarke continued, narrowing her eyes and pouting when Anya rolled her eyes. "Hey! I like it, and she likes it a lot, so ha!"
"You smell nice, Clarke. You just go a little overboard with it sometimes when you douse your hoodies. But with how Lexa loves the clothes you 'accidentally' leave around her bed, I suppose your gambit paid off, even if my nostrils could use a break sometimes." Anya explained, offering a reassuring smile when the blonde's expression softened. She knew Clarke had the occasional insecurity, and for some reason, that was one of them. She truly thought it was a sweet, fitting scent, Clarke just tended to spray a bit too much.
Anya chalked up Clarke's blush to hearing Lexa liked her inconspicuous offerings; Lexa, after all, had made sure to only wear the clothes when Clarke wasn't, and wouldn't be, around. "Anyways, she liked it a lot. And then she flirted with me, which was definitely new. And she...wait, is this getting TMI for you? You're kinda her parent, and all."
Anya shook her head and laughed, even if she appreciated the concern. "I'm not puritanical, Clarke. If anything, knowing Lexa like I do, it's a bit of a relief in some ways to hear about it. It sounds like progress, for once."
Clarke let out a breathy laugh and scooted forward, resting back against her chest again, legs stretching out across the sofa's length. "She flirted with me, but it was so...just straight up flattering and sweet. I wasn't sure she had it in her, to be honest." Clarke added, and Anya could only grin with pride at her little one's 'game' not having diminished in the slightest, apparently. She'd taught Lexa well. "And then she pulled my robe away and kissed me, and...god, can she kiss. Fuck."
"But she pulled away?" Anya asked, knowing it might put a damper on things, but she really did want some details, so she knew what she'd be getting into with Lexa later on.
Clarke nodded against her collarbone. "Yeah. She led for a little while, and it was great, but we had to pull up for air. She was moving to kiss me again, and I just took the initiative and closed the distance, and kissed her a little harder than before, and she kissed back for a second or so...but then she kind of froze and stopped. I wasn't sure what was going on in her head, but I know she can get that way with me, so I just...let her know I'm still here, I'm still interested, and kissed her face a bit before getting into bed." Clarke continued, letting out a low sigh, breath washing against Anya's neck.
"Honestly, I didn't want to stop, I knew this was pretty much my only sure shot at any of that with what she knows now, but it had to be her call. I kept telling her it was just one night...the world would start spinning again tomorrow, and maybe it was selfish of me to want that, and maybe I ended up pushing her to step out of her comfort zone, but...I just really like her. I knew she'd never look at me the same way, that she...she wouldn't touch me like that again, not once everything sinks in, so I took my shot. I got a good night to remember her by." Clarke rambled, the sound of a sniffle alarming Anya enough to clutch her best friend close, letting one hand comb through Clarke's hair, knowing the girl found it soothing. "I'm sorry if I just made things harder for you both, Anya. I didn't mean to."
"You don't have to apologize, Clarke. Lexa's a grown woman, she's capable of making her own decisions. And on that note, I didn't raise her to be a jackass...this might take time for her to process, but she's still the same girl from last night that kissed you." Anya reasoned, hoping some of her words would sink in past her best friend's doubts. For all of Clarke's usual bravado and lighthearted airs, it seemed she had some deep-seated worries over what others could think of her.
Well, as far as Anya was concerned, Clarke Griffin was entirely lovable, and she was pretty damn sure Lexa was on a similar enough wavelength. If she had to work those waves, and get the both of them on the same boat, then that's what she'd do. Before last night, Clarke was someone who could consistently get past Lexa's walls and make her smile. That her little one had gotten up the courage to flirt, touch, and kiss Clarke was only further proof that she was helping Lexa move on from her past.
And Lexa apparently made Clarke feel deep enough to agonize over whether she'd been selfish to try and make some nice memories with her. Well, perhaps she'd have to do a little meddling to ensure the both of them got what they wanted.
"Leave Lexa to me, I promise we'll be fine." Anya noted with confidence, pressing a kiss to the blonde's forehead. "You, though, had a tough night, too. I made an educated guess way back that day you came to me, but I know now, and I'm saying again...you can always come to me. I'll always be here, and even if your work scares the shit out of me, I'll always have your back. Whether that's an ear to hear you out, a shoulder to cry on, or a contact for a hired assassin, you have me. Okay?"
Clarke laughed against her collarbone, but nodded all the same. "You're the most lovable and dangerously connected marshmallow, Anya." Clarke asserted, earning an involuntary, but entirely deserved huff. Anya Pine was not a marshmallow. "But...since you know, and we're here, I guess I should fill you in. I'm sure you're curious about everything."
Now, it wasn't like she had been obsessing over Clarke's work, and her familial tension, and all that. A few late nights brainstorming possibilities and maybe downing some liquor in order to handle some of those stormy thoughts, well, that was fairly normal. But perhaps she was a little curious.
"Only if you're comfortable telling me, Clarke. It can always wait, and you don't need to feel obliged." Anya offered, even if she really did want to hear it all right now, so that she could stop having those late night worryathons.
"I'm ready...I am. I just need you to promise me one thing." Clarke stated quietly, which seemed simple enough.
Fairly certain she could provide whatever her best friend needed, Anya nodded along. "Of course, anything."
"Promise me you won't get homicidal." Clarke asked with a bit of hesitation drawing out that last word.
It was probably the worst thing for Clarke to ask. Even as she nodded and offered some mindless affirmative declaration, Anya could feel her fury brewing inside of her. Clarke would only ask that of her if there was a reason to be homicidal.
This did not bode well.
"Again!"
Lexa shook her head wearily at Anya's relentless fury and willed her body to sprint across the ice to the opposing red line and back again, for probably the twentieth time that practice. She'd already taken part in a two hour long practice session from Indra, but Lexa still had a bit of gas left in her tank.
Apparently, Anya thought most of the team was out of shape, and they needed some more conditioning drills, but at this point, Lexa was about ready to throw in the towel, and she was pretty sure both Echo and Sienne were on the verge of death.
At the very least, it helped keep her attention where it needed to be, not having any energy to spare on what had gone down the previous night. Still, the human body had limits, and she was quickly approaching her own.
Lexa felt like her body was falling apart, but she willed herself across the ice another time, one stride after the other. Her legs were too tired to reach a speed where she could glide effortlessly, each motion a deliberate, painstaking effort to be as efficient as possible so that she'd maybe be able to walk to the exercise bikes afterwards to cool down instead of Anya having to drag her there.
As she skidded to a stop at the goal line and turned to head back, a familiar tightness bloomed in her left calf and had her mind wandering for a moment. Maybe Clarke will come by later today and she can give me another massage with her miracle hands...god, her hands...
The thought of the blonde had Lexa stumbling forward in her sluggish gait, thankfully managing to correct her stride and balance so she wouldn't face-plant. She could think of Clarke after getting nine more strides in; nine strides and she was home free.
Sure, she'd been delaying the inevitable all day long so far. She'd jogged home from Clarke's condo, which tired her out enough to force a nap. From there, she'd ran to practice, and had done her best to keep her mind occupied.
The moment she crossed the blue line and doubled over from fatigue, legs barely holding herself up, heaving oxygen into her lungs in hopes of catching her breath for the first time in over ten minutes, she knew she was running out of distractions.
"Adequate. Now get your asses to the bikes, and plan for a night in to rest up. I don't want anyone thinking they can slack with this New Year's Eve game coming up against Dartmouth." Anya called out a half minute later when the last of their group finally finished the task.
Lexa drifted her way off the ice and made her way to the locker room, pushing past the aches and pain saturating her limbs to change into her workout clothes. Just a short bit of time on the bikes, and she could head home and collapse into bed and hopefully be tired enough to forget the world around her.
But not five minutes into her post-practice workout, Anya parked herself in front of Lexa's bike with a bottle of their gross supplement drink in hand.
"Drink up, we've got a long evening ahead of us." Anya stated, lifting her eyebrows as Lexa took hold of the bottle and took a long sip, grimacing at the aftertaste. Though, truthfully, it wasn't remotely as uncomfortable at the immediate knowledge that Anya knew something went on last night. She hadn't come home, after all. Anya was sure to be worried, and try as she might, Lexa hadn't thought up much of a story for herself to explain her absence.
"Can't I just sleep forever when I get home?" Lexa groaned, not at all looking forward to the talk she knew Anya wanted to have with her. Who knew what, if anything, Clarke spilled to her cousin, after all? Anya had been angry all practice, after all, and she wasn't exactly sure who or what that anger was rooted in.
Anya gave a small, wry grin, the first she'd seen all day, and pulled an envelope from her bag. A very familiar envelope. She wouldn't...
"And if I told you we could take a detour to Bed Bath and Beyond?" Anya asked, stealing Lexa's attention with the allure of what she could find in the store, and what the 'catch' was to such a visit.
"One does not simply walk into Bed Bath and Beyond, Anya. What are you getting at?" Lexa shot back, knowing exactly what was in the envelope. She knew the promises it held, but also the danger in what Anya could be asking for.
"Up to twelve double wick or twenty four single wick candles, or a split of both. That's my deal...I scale back my veto, we have a good long talk." Anya offered, and Lexa couldn't help but feel enticed. She'd desperately missed her candles, and this opened the door to getting them back. It meant having to talk to Anya today instead of delaying it all, though, and she couldn't be sure how deep that talk would run. But maybe some Autumn Wreath could make that a little easier...
Lexa slowed her pace on the bike, needing to focus a bit more energy in the negotiation at the moment. "How about you let me buy as many candles as I want, but I only put out that number? You know I like switching up scents, and sometimes going scentless."
Anya's nose scrunched up in confusion. "I was counting on you switching things up. I thought we could have a handful of candles set out at any given time, though. Maybe four or five."
"No one puts out four or five candles, Anya. No one but amateurs. You know my candle game is stronger than that." Lexa asserted, lifting her chin at the mere notion that she could stoop so low as to only set out a candle or two. Go big or go home, she figured.
Anya let out a long sigh, hand rubbing down her face in exasperation. "Okay...okay, fine. But our dorm isn't big enough for two dozen candles, Lexa. Eight or sixteen respectively, final offer. And you can buy however many you want. But if for whatever reason I'm not feeling the candles on a given day, I can put them out."
"Anya, what if..." Lexa started, only for Anya to place her hands on the handlebars of the bike and lean closer.
"No. Your lust for candles needs to be held in check. You accept a limit, or I step away, and we have the talk another day, except there won't be any candles. Your choice." Anya stated rigidly, laying down the ultimatum with a tone that let Lexa know that her cousin wasn't about to budge.
It wasn't an offer without its drawbacks, but she nodded anyways, knowing a few months of having the comfort of candles would be worth it. Candles could help provide a nice distraction, candles could help her sleep, candles could do a great many things. "Deal."
Anya simply nodded. "Good. Meet me at the car when you're done. I have some business to take care of."
Lexa bit her lip as she scanned the room for her teammates, not wanting to meet her cousin's gaze. Not with basically an admission that Anya knew. "Echo and Caris?"
"They have a debt to be paid." Anya noted flatly before turning on her heel and marching off, leaving Lexa wondering exactly what kind of debt her cousin was referring to. Financial, for putting Clarke out money? Or the kind of debt for putting Lexa in that position, and for putting her and Clarke in the way of harm? She wasn't quite sure, but she knew with certainty that Anya would work them until that red on their ledger was gone.
Lexa could only hope that she'd made the right decision as she used what was left of her will to finish her workout and keep her thoughts at bay, knowing she had a long night ahead of her.
She was about ninety percent sure her arms would fall off if she carried the bags of candles any longer, swiftly setting them down in their dorm with a heavy relieved sigh once she was far enough inside for Anya to squeeze by her. Lexa had gotten a decent haul, grabbing multiples of her favourite cold-weather scents. Lincoln would be stopping by later that evening to pick up a few dozen to be stored in his basement , given the lack of storage space in her dorm, but that gave her time to figure out what she wanted to set out.
Maybe...maybe two double wicks and twelve singles of Autumn Wreath...or maybe Storm Watch. I always did find that one to be nice... Lexa mused to herself, too lost in thought to notice Anya digging through her haul.
"Huh. Peach Cobbler." Anya noted, drawing Lexa back to reality quick enough to catch her cousin take the lid off of one and take in its scent. "You know, I think I remember seeing a few of these over at Clarke's."
The mere mention of the girl's name had Lexa's heart pumping faster, her focus escalating in intensity as she watched Anya stroll over to her bed and sit down, candle in her lap. It was clearly her cousin's attempt at luring her over, but she knew Anya would keep prodding until she relented. Her body feeling particularly electric with nerves, she got up and sat down across from Anya.
"She has candles at her dorm?" Lexa asked, unsure to what extent Clarke had let Anya into her life and secrets. It seemed a little unfathomable that in the span of a single morning, Anya could know everything. That Clarke would reveal everything. Lexa was sure that if Anya knew what she knew, there'd be a lot more anger, a lot more worrying, and at least one emotional blow-up.
"Mmm, I'm not sure. Maybe." Anya let out, doing a tremendously poor job at being subtle, the words she wasn't saying jumping out at Lexa as if they were in bright, flashing neon.
She knows...oh god, she knows...how does she know?! Lexa mused to herself, wide-eyed in confusion, blood rushing through her body so fast it felt as if she were vibrating. "You've been to her place?"
"She took me by this morning." Anya answered casually, and Lexa felt blood rush to her cheeks, knowing the state that she left the condo in, knowing that Anya would have walked in on some very telling evidence of what happened last night.
"What the fuck..." All of a sudden, it was much too hard to breathe, her lungs feeling tinier than usual. As quickly as her sluggish body could manage, she made her way over to her bags and pulled out a candle, not caring that it was a Peach Cobbler, only caring that it could bring her some solace. A few seconds later with her lighter, the gentle aroma filled her space, letting her return to her bed, breathing a little easier, lungs straining a little less with each intake.
"She told me what happened last night, Lexa." Anya added once Lexa was settled back on her bed, those dark eyes focused on her as usual. Anya had an odd ability to see through her, see everything festering inside of her, and she mostly hated that. She hated how easy her cousin could reduce her to an emotional mess by pulling at a few threads.
Even if a good chunk of her loved the relief it brought.
"How the hell are you not freaking out?" Lexa blurted out, wincing as she cursed herself internally for letting that slip, knowing it wasn't what she'd wanted to ask.
"I've had weeks to prepare." Anya answered cryptically, her words coming across as absurd, given Lexa had barely understood anything that she'd done, anything that happened last night. A look of clarity washed over her cousin a few seconds later, Anya brushing a lock of hair behind her ear and shifting her gaze to the window. "I figured out what Clarke does a while ago. Do you remember the day of my first date with Raven?"
Lexa's memories of that day flashed into her mind. The bewildering revelation of Anya and Clarke curled up together. The jealousy that spiked through her chest at the intimacy between the both of them. The fury that fueled her brief interrogation of the blonde. Past all of that, though, was a small string of words, Clarke explaining that she'd had a hard day at work. And like a lightning bolt struck her, Lexa found herself growing stiff and upright, breathless at the understanding that Clarke had gone to Anya for comfort. Clarke had likely cried herself to sleep against her cousin over her work. Clarke had needed someone, and Anya was there. Not me...I was the one to rake her over the coals, thinking she'd...oh my god...
"She told you back then?!" Lexa choked out, trying to keep her body from shaking at the knowledge that Anya had known all along. That Clarke had needed someone, and she hadn't been there. But why would she want me? I'd been terrible to her, I tried to hate her! I pushed her away, of course she'd never come to me...and why would I want that, anyway? How could I handle that, if I couldn't even handle knowing what she does for a living?
"Not exactly. She was too emotional to lie well, and I figured it out on my own. I had plenty of time to freak out while she was napping against me and in the days since then. Trust me, it wasn't easy for me to stomach...I know it can't have been easy for you, either, little one." Anya noted softly, and maybe Lexa would have felt more reassured if it wasn't a sign that Anya was okay with it.
Which was honestly unfathomable, because how could any of it be right?
"Don't tell me you're okay with this." Lexa spoke with narrowing eyes, fingers tapping against her thighs in a repeated rhythm, needing Anya to come clean, because she knew her cousin. There was no way Anya was this calm about it all.
Anya, thankfully, shook her head. "I don't like it, no. I might have a hit man on retainer, and I might have asked her security guard to take photos of anyone sketchy who he thinks her best friend might not approve of." Anya relayed, which settled her nerves a little, knowing her cousin had at least taken some measures to respond to Clarke's work. "But she's her own woman. She makes her own decisions, and she has good reasons for why she's doing what she does. She needs my support, and so I'll give it."
Lexa slumped forward, understanding Anya having a hit man ready to go, but not understanding her ultimately being supportive. At least, not without having an exit strategy. Anya had to be trying to find a way out, right? "Just like that? Anya, she fucks strangers for money! That's dangerous! That's illegal. That's enough to get her kicked out of hockey, okay?!"
"You don't need to tell me the dangers, little one. Believe me, I'm aware of them." Anya retorted lowly, crossing her arms and shifting her focus back to her. "Trust me, if she had another option, she'd take it. So until she does have another way, this is it. It's just a job."
Lexa tried to make sense of Anya's words, but failed. In what world could sex work be someone's only option? Isn't Clarke's mom a doctor? How is this her only option?
"Yeah, a job where anyone could call her up and set up an appointment to fuck. Sorry if I have a hard time treating it like your average office job, or construction job, Anya." Lexa argued, drawing a hard laugh from her cousin for some reason.
"It's a service job, Lexa. Of course it's different than working in an office, so talk to me. Help me understand where you're at with that." Anya pressed, Lexa wanting to shoot back that she had told her how she felt, she had told Anya where she's at with Clarke's work, but she knew her cousin wouldn't accept that. Not knowing there were some other thoughts locked away at the back of her mind.
"It's wrong, Anya. I just...I don't like it. Like...how long has she been doing this? How many people has she had sex with? How many has she kissed? How..." Lexa ranted, cutting herself off the moment she realized she was letting too much slip out from the recesses of her mind. Clarke was wrong to do what she did, and that was that. There was no use in debating exactly why, and there was no reason to talk about her and Clarke when it was fruitless.
Anya, ever observant, leaned back and sighed. "Hard to know if your kiss meant anything when she kisses a bunch of strangers every week, right?" Her cousin asked, which was ridiculous. Lexa hadn't spent any time wondering what their kiss meant. She hadn't been drawn out of her sleep by a gentle brushing of fingers against her cheek, or wondered what Clarke's warm smile and light greeting meant. She hadn't woken up tasting remnants of Clarke's peach-flavoured chapstick, either, because last night didn't count. It couldn't matter.
Clarke had made that explicitly clear, after all. Of course the kiss meant nothing.
"I don't care about the kiss, Anya. Don't make this about me." Lexa shot back with a sharp glare that had Anya staring flatly at her.
"Lexa, this is all about you. It's about you and Clarke. I know how Clarke feels. I want to know how you feel, and what you're thinking." Anya let out with another sigh, putting the unlit candle in her lap aside. "You were fine enough with what she does to stay the evening with her."
"Today's a new day, and I've had time to think, and I just...I don't know how she does it." Lexa grumbled, placing her candle on her desk, feeling a distinct urge to light more. Just the thought of Clarke kissing strange men, Clarke being intimate with strange men, it had her on edge and gritting her teeth. A few more candles could only help.
Maybe she got up to light two more, placing them on her dresser this time to spread out the aroma.
Anya shifted in place, pulling her legs under her as she took hold of her pillow. "She wanted to play in the Olympics, Lexa. She wanted to go to school. She couldn't take time off...and she didn't have any help from her mom. You know how expensive school is. You know how busy our schedules are. How else can a person raise thirty in the span of a few months on top of school and hockey? It's work to her...if you figure she's thinking of anything but her future when she's with clients, you're lying to yourself."
It wasn't like Lexa couldn't understand that. She honestly could; the world could be a cold, hard place and sometimes it was necessary to approach it with cold logic and emotional distance. She'd been doing that for some time now.
However, she hadn't last night with Clarke. But the blonde, Lexa wasn't sure about Clarke. She couldn't be sure about Clarke.
"Yeah, I'm sure it's always work." Lexa griped as she plopped back onto her bed, wincing once again at the thought that the bed they'd slept in had surely been used countless times for just that. Work. What made last night any different? Nothing, as far as Lexa knew.
"Oh, don't get passive-aggressive with me, Lexa. You know what happened last night wasn't work." Anya asserted, sounding entirely confident. And sure, Anya had talked to Clarke, was closer to Clarke, but she hadn't been there last night.
"Do I really?" She asked, lifting a brow at her cousin.
Lexa barely dodged the pillow Anya flung at her in time. "I'm breaking friend-code here, so you'd better fucking listen." Anya started, eyebrows lifting in expectation of a response, eventually drawing a sigh and a nod from her, not particularly enjoying being on this end of her cousin's dramatics. "She lit up when she talked about kissing you, and about you liking her perfume. She was upset at the thought that her cuddling and kissing you might make you freak out. And she was...anyway, it clearly wasn't work for her."
"Caris and Echo paid for me to see her. We spent the night together, I'm sure if I asked, she would have...she would have been with me." Lexa insisted brazenly, clutching to the thought of Clarke having been detached, of it having been work, of what happened being common enough for Clarke to play it off as a one-time-thing. Suspiciously like she had done a job.
"Clarke spent last night with you because she wanted to. She wanted to kiss you. She likes you, Lexa. Don't mistake that for an emotionless contract job." Anya retorted, but it wasn't enough. Clarke might have wanted to kiss her, but it wouldn't change if it was work for her.
It wouldn't change the Cinderella story, the fantasy that ended early that morning when Clarke woke and left her.
"She told me it was one night, okay? That it didn't have to mean anything." She blurted out, sinking harder down onto the bed, hand lifting to run through her hair before she could put a stop to the motion.
Anya's sigh had Lexa shifting her gaze to the flickering flame of the candle on her desk, though it wasn't distracting enough to keep her from tracking her cousin's movement across the floor, Anya slipping in behind her, arms loosely wrapping around her waist.
"Except it did. And it could be more than one." Anya whispered by her ear, chin resting against Lexa's shoulder, hair tickling at her cheek.
Anya's assertion wasn't entirely convincing, even if it did have her remembering how Clarke had wanted her to stay the night instead of going home. How Clarke had held her for hours, even though she didn't have to. How Clarke had held her in bed, how Clarke had kissed her back, how Clarke had been excited to spend time with her. It had all happened under the disclaimer that it didn't have to mean anything, but there was that possibility that it could.
And that both warmed her heart and terrified her enough for a cold sweat to break out across her shoulders.
"Do you seriously believe that?" She asked with a bit of an edge, steadying her voice, not wanting to sound as desperate and unnerved as she was. She could handle being physically smothered by Anya, she enjoyed it even. Emotionally, that was another story.
"Does it matter?" Anya shot back, grumbling into her shoulder. The response was bewildering, and had Lexa gaping long enough for her cousin to continue on once her lack of answer became clear. "Does it matter if it meant something to her? Does it matter if she wanted more than one night? She's put the ball in your court since you entered her condo, little one. You don't get to be angry and upset with her if you don't want more."
Lexa shook her head, Anya's words cutting past her need to deflect as they painted a picture of her, one that wasn't so easy to stomach. "It's not...it's not about what I want. It's about what she decided." She stated as sincerely as she could manage with her lungs suddenly straining like she was in the middle of a damn marathon, heart thundering and skipping in her chest over where Anya was steering the conversation.
She was met with the dull thump of a pillow to the face, Anya having taken advantage of her stupor long enough to get a hold of the previously flung weapon of choice. "Maybe she said that because she's not an idiot, and she knew you'd be freaking out like this." Anya noted dryly, those arms around Lexa's waist holding a little firmer. "You're so focused on her telling you it was one night, without thinking about why she was telling you that. She knows you better than you think, little one."
Her head was growing foggy with the implications her cousin was throwing out there, crushing Lexa's plausible deniability, and making the air in the room much less comforting, and a hell of a lot harder to breathe. "If she knew me so well, she wouldn't have made it seem like work." Lexa asserted breathlessly, wincing a bit at her slip that it maybe hadn't been work at all.
"Better that than the alternative." Anya let out, words Lexa met with a strained scoff, because she really didn't need her cousin digging any deeper at the moment, not when she was feeling hazy and unstable enough. Something Anya seemed perceptive enough to see through. "I'm serious, Lexa. You freaking out over this just being work for Clarke? At least it helped calm you down last night. At least you're still talking right now."
"I'm not weak, Anya. Nothing Clarke does could keep me from speaking." Lexa argued with an inferno raging in her chest, expecting another scoff, or a sigh, or a laugh before her lungs were burned to dust under the sudden strain. Instead, the chin on her shoulder dug in a tiny bit harder, Anya anchoring herself to Lexa as her cousin matched her breathing and stretched out the silence logn enough for it to almost relax her.
"Think back to how it felt with her holding you, little one. That perfume you adore so much overwhelming your senses. Her firm grip holding you close, as if she'd never let you go. The steady beat of her heart against your back, lulling you into relaxation. Everything letting you know she's here, she's here, even if she's not in front of you. You can always feel her with you." Anya whispered smoothly, words dripping out slow and steady and washing over her in the shades of red that tinted her cheeks from the memories. Her heart rate slowed slightly, easing the pressure and letting enough oxygen into her lungs for a sigh to escape her over the sensory overload.
It wasn't difficult to remember, not with Anya holding her just like Clarke had. She could almost smell that Jasmine-vanilla mixture in the air, almost feel the tickle of blonde tresses at her cheek, the soft puffs of breath against her neck and shoulders. It felt like serenity pooling inside her ribcage as she breathed that memory in and let herself sink back into the embrace.
The head on her shoulder shifted, the flat of a cheek pressing against it now. "Imagine her holding you as you play those stupid videogames of yours, feeling safe and secure as you plan out galactic domination, while she watches on, wearing her headphones to revisit her lectures and study."
It felt a breath away from reality, knowing Clarke and Anya had squabbled over their morning walks continuing into the new semester, knowing Clarke's schedule would be much fuller, meaning less time to study. The blue-eyed blonde getting creative in finding time for both her and Anya on top of her studies just seemed all too possible. She could practically hear the girl's thoughtful humming as she sat there, imagining a diplomatic victory unfolding on her laptop screen, the warmth of success mixing into the heady draw of Clarke's affection and presence.
"Imagine her holding you as you relax on the couch after dinner at Lincoln's, teasing her for eating too much, but loving the comfort she takes just from you being in her arms. Imagine her arms wrapped around you like this when you're on a road trip, the warmth of a campfire nothing compared to the heat of Clarke holding you close and breathing you in like you're her home. Imagine her singing soft songs into your skin, fingers tracing promises you'd never have to hear out loud to believe. Imagine having these feelings a dozen times a day, even when you haven't seen her. Imagine days, weeks, months of this, as winter turns to spring, and spring to summer. Can you imagine, little one? Can you im..." She heard whispered relentlessly into her ear, the onslaught of fantasies and hope mixing into a deep swell of fear and heart-stopping anxiety that had Lexa surging forward, needing to get away from the mess of emotions that had tears stinging at her eyes as her nausea spiked and head swam in dizziness.
"I can't...I can't..." She let out as she struggled to remove herself from the strong arms that held her in place, knowing that overwhelming swath of pain and fear wouldn't take long to win out, and she needed to breathe. She needed to catch a goddamn breath.
The arms holding her loosened their grip for a moment, long enough for Lexa to get off her bed and turn around, needing to make sure those fantasies wouldn't crop up again, that she was far away. But all she saw when she turned was her teary-eyed cousin, looking up at her with such intense sadness that she almost turned back around again. Almost.
"Just...can we let it be, for once? You know why I can't, Anya." Lexa added once her vitals were back under her control, and her body felt remotely calm enough to speak without giving away how fraught with nerves she was.
"That's the thing, little one...I don't know. I used to think I did, but...look, Clarke's in Boston for the long haul. She's set down roots here, and she's not going anywhere. She likes you...she listens to you, and she gets you to open up in a way that's like seeing you in sophomore year of high school again, if just for a few minutes at a time. I've seen you become more relaxed and accepting of what you have with her, and you're clearly comfortable enough with her to be intimate." Anya argued, that last bit drawing a blush to Lexa's cheeks, not particularly enjoying the notion of discussing intimacy with her cousin in that way, not with their history. "So tell me, what's the deal, here?"
"Just let it go, Anya. You wouldn't understand." Lexa shot back with as much certainty as she could muster at the moment, hoping she could convince Anya to back off. Usually, her cousin would leave her be, not wanting to rock the boat or cause any episodes.
Today just wasn't an ordinary day, apparently.
"My capacity to know you and love you is damn near infinite, Lexa. We both know you could be happy with her, and all I want is for you to be happy, so please...tell me why this can't work." Anya let out, running a hand through her hair in clear frustration, though her eyes told Lexa that her cousin was telling the truth. Anya wasn't letting this go.
She could feel the blood rushing through her skull again as her chest began to strain again. "It just can't. I can't do it, okay?"
"I don't know how you think I can just accept that." Anya leaned forward as she spoke, though her gaze held strong with Lexa's, as if she could stare into the depth of her mid with sheer willpower. "What are you so scared of?"
"Nothing! I'm more than capable of separating feelings from the friendship you wanted me to have with her, Anya!" She blurted out, wide widening the slightest bit at the minor slip.
All hopes that Anya wouldn't read into it fell away as her cousin sat back on her bed, expression flattening out as those warm amber eyes stared at her as if she were new.
"You wanted it to be work for her." Anya's words came out in a whisper saturated in disbelief, head tilting slightly as her cousin put the pieces together, as she always did. Anya was aggravatingly empathetic like that. "It'd hurt, but it'd be safer than if it wasn't...but you just couldn't convince yourself it was..."
"Anya, stop..." Lexa warned, but her words went unheard, or at least unheeded.
"She told you it was just one night, over and over, but it was so hard to believe with how she held you, how she kissed you..." Anya began, and Lexa just couldn't. Her lungs felt like they were overfull balloons just ready to pop with the barest hint of added strain.
"Just stop, please!" Lexa pleaded, prompting her cousin to stand from the bed, eyes too soft and wet for her to stare back at.
"...you knew it was more than that for her, and you knew it was more for you, and it scared you. And it scared you that she could calm you down so easily and make you want to stay. And when she left this morning..."
"I knew I was FUCKED, okay?!" Lexa blurted out in a mess of syllables sloppily pieced together as she stumbled back and slumped down onto Anya's bed, trying to steady her breathing, trying to hold herself together when she felt like a walking fucking time bomb.
Anya rushed to her, grabbing her hand and placing it on her cousin's chest. Which, well, helped. It was a lot easier to even out her breathing with a bit of a reference to focus on. "There we go...you're gonna be fine, little one. Just breathe."
Even though she knew she was on borrowed time, it felt good to have a breather, to collect her thoughts, and to make the call on how to handle it. She'd at the very least unsealed that particular part of herself, and while it wasn't a Pandora's box, Lexa wasn't sure it could be closed again.
So minutes passed, just calming herself with Anya at her side, the two of them slowly settling down on the older woman's bed, side by side, staring up at the ceiling. She knew she'd need strength for this, so she took Anya's hand and clutched it tightly, not even earning the tiniest of grunts from her cousin.
"All roads led to ruin, that's what I realized, Anya." Lexa spoke, brain too fried and frazzled to really put together any sort of cohesive, decent explanation, so she ventured to try and wing it. Either way, Anya was always patient when it came to her, so she knew she had time. "I both did and didn't want it to be work."
Anya remained silent, just offering a slight squeeze to their tightly clasped hands.
"If it was work...if it was work, then it meant that her heart wasn't in it. It meant that maybe, if I passed her vetting, we could do that again. I could pay, and get nights like last night with Clarke, basically on my terms and schedule, no commitment. No fear of things falling apart, or breakups, or falling outs, or the kind of loss I had with Costia." She continued, taking a moment to swallow the pain and bile from the memory of the months after that tragedy. Anya had been her safe harbor back then, and she supposed it fit that she would be again for this, even if Lexa had wanted to spare her cousin the strain and trouble this time around. "It'd be so easy, and it terrified me how much I thought about finding Clarke's online profile on my ride home from her place. It terrified me how willing I was to...to do that. To consider using her like that, like she's some kind of vending machine of affection. It scared me to think she could just be this service for me, instead of...more. And it scared me that she could ever see me no differently than she sees the people who pay for her."
Silence stretched on after that, Anya only bringing a hand across to graze over her knuckles, a comforting gesture that maybe fell short of the comfort needed to face down the other option, but it was enough to at least get her willing to try to at least start speaking about it.
"And if it wasn't work...then that would mean that this is real, and if that's true..." She started, choking on the truth of the matter, dozens and hundreds of words relaying the entirety of her hope and fear and agony, all condensing themselves into just four more. Four words, all lodged in her throat, begging to be released; and yet, she'd never be the same once they tore their way out, of that she was certain. The feeling of Anya shifting closer, forehead resting against her temple, was enough to propel them forth along with the tears that had been threatening to spill over.
"...then I am weak."
If the previous night had taught her anything, it was that she could deny Clarke Griffin very little, and that she would more likely than not succumb to her urges to be near the girl. It would only be a matter of time before her weakness would have her doing all but swearing fealty to Clarke, whether she was emotionally ready or not.
And to be truly honest, she wasn't certain she was.
"Lexa, you've been fighting a panic attack all day long, and you still managed to talk your way through this. You can't tell me that's not strength." Anya murmured into her hair, the woman turning onto her side and splaying an arm across Lexa's waist to hold her closer. "You're not weak, little one. You're just a little wounded. It takes strength to move forward from trauma."
She could appreciate Anya's assertions, she really could, but they were off the mark. "I'm weak for how much I care for her, Anya. The way I...she makes me so weak." Lexa noted, working her straining voice to try and help Anya understand why this would end in catastrophe.
"Am I weak for loving you, Lexa?" Anya shot back immediately, oddly without a hint of anger or surprise, just curiosity. Which was probably a red flag, but Lexa knew she had to answer anyways.
"I don't think so. I'm not sure." It was a straight forward, blunt answer that was as painful to voice as just about anything else she'd said during their talk so far, knowing how deeply Anya cared for her, and how the admission might make her feel.
Anya's light laughter was so unexpected that she couldn't help but startle in her cousin's arms at the sound.
"Oh, little one, I need you to listen closely for a minute, okay?" Anya asked once her laughter faded off, in the same comforting tone her cousin would use all those nights when she'd practically cried herself to sleep, when she'd call Anya up in the middle of the night and would be soothed by her smooth, gentle cadence.
It wasn't a question whether she'd listen or not, so it was no surprise when Anya continued on. "I love you with all of my heart, Lexa. Every moment I've had you in my life has been a damn blessing. Every morning when I wake up, it's so much easier to motivate myself knowing you'll be here with me, and that I'll have a chance to keep teaching you, and keep learning from you, and keep loving you. And every night when I go to bed, it's so much easier to sleep knowing I'll have another day waiting right around the corner to do it all over again. It's a fucking gift, and I'm not saying that to boost your ego, I'm saying it because that's how every day has been since you moved in with us way back when. Even in the worst of times, through the hardest nights, and my greatest struggles, I had you. And that was always enough."
Lexa's eyes watered again at the sheer adoration fueling those words, not a trace of doubt that her cousin meant everything that was so efficiently calming her body and soothing her tattered soul.
"You have no idea the kind of strength you give me, how you've made me into an exponentially better person over the years, not just because you're you, and you've rubbed off on me, but because I've wanted to be better for you, and that's made me grow in ways I never could have imagined without you." Anya continued, giving her another squeeze, only the barest hint of a sniffle escaping the woman, which was a feat given how emotional Anya tended to be. "And all that joy, that growth, that strength...it all comes with a vulnerability, one we both know well enough, little one. If you choose to call that a weakness, then so be it, but though I may be weak... I am so, so much better and stronger and full of life for loving you. Nothing could change that."
"Anya, that's not..." Lexa began, but the hand at her wait quickly lifted up to cover her mouth, silencing her for the moment.
"If you're going to tell me I don't know that, you're wrong. If I lost you...if I..." Anya started, voice wavering in protestation until it broke entirely on a hard sob. Still, Anya 's laboured breathing smoothed out and slowed second by second, her cousin's calming mantra meeting her ears until the tension in the older woman's body was more or less gone, the hand over her mouth returning to her waist. "If I lost you...it would be the single most painful event of my life, and I'd suffer. I'd be a wreck. But everything you taught me, every piece of me you helped me grow into, every good memory, no matter how tainted by grief, every bit of love we shared...that would be enough to keep me afloat until I could figure out how to live without you at my side. And I'd have Lincoln there to help, and I'd have Raven, and I'd have Clarke. And I'd heal, and I'd be hurting so badly for a long time, but I would never regret you. I wouldn't regret a single second, because love is a goddamn strength, little one."
Lexa turned in Anya's arms and was surprised at the remorse in the woman's eyes, even if it didn't deter her question that had been stuck in her throat. "Then why does it hurt so much?"
Anya's other hand lifted up, thumbs lightly caressing her cheek as those tearful amber eyes clamped shut. "Because I failed you." The three words were absurd, breaking through her grief and uncertainties to startle her into a quick denial.
"No, no, this isn't on you." Lexa insisted, but Anya just shook her head, blonde locks of hair draping down over her face from the motion.
"I thought I could be enough. I wanted, desperately, to be enough for you. A parent needs to know their limits, and I let you isolate yourself after Costia went away, because I wanted to believe I could be enough." Anya claimed, and there was a semblance of truth in that she had distanced herself from her friends after Costia fell, but that wasn't Anya's fault. "You needed more than just me, and Linc when he'd try to get through to you."
"You're the reason I got this far. You're the reason I never completely lost myself, Anya. Don't blame yourself, I was the one who decided to be a hermit outside of school and hockey." Lexa shot back in a tone she hoped would be reassuring, but Anya didn't seem entirely convinced. "I really needed the space...and then it just got comfortable...the distance, and all, and that's not on you. All the love is strength talks wouldn't have helped back then, not when I would've given anything to just stop hurting, and to have a distraction. It made it easier only really worrying about two people, which...well, is why I guess I've been freaking a little this year, knowing you'll be going away. Even if you won't be far, even if Raven's good for you, even if Clarke's balanced you out..."
Anya's eyes shot open at the tail end of her rambling. "Little one..." Her cousin started, and Lexa could see the full-on mama bear denial coming on, so she nipped that bud.
"I don't want to lose you, Anya. I can't lose you...and...and I get your point. I just...I've lost my mom and my dad, and I lost Costia, and I'm just so tired of losing people I love. I'm terrified of losing anyone else, but...and no one could ever replace you, but...maybe if I had someone...if I had more friends...maybe that'd help. And maybe I could move on a bit better than I have." Lexa reasoned, at least as well as her exhausted mind could manage to. Right now, Clarke made her weak, and yet she wasn't with her, she wasn't stronger from her. Perhaps if she got closer, not just with Clarke, but with others, then there's be enough strength to hold her together if something bad happened again.
Truthfully, she was more than ready to zonk out after the physical exhaustion of practice, and the emotional exhaustion of the past day, so the fact that she was able to process much of anything was a minor miracle.
That she felt the slightest courage over maybe pursuing Clarke, at some point in the near future at least, was a revelation.
"We can do that. I promise, I never used to think close friends were anything more than a luxury, but Clarke...she has balanced me out. I'm more open with you these days because of her, and...and I like that. And Raven, if we couldn't work out, I know we'd still be friends. They give me a lot of strength, little one, and I know it'd be really good for you to make stronger friendships...so long as your closer friends aren't Echo or Caris, at least." Anya shot back with a reassuring grin, her cousin having confidence enough for the both of them. Lexa couldn't help but feel a little doubtful that it'd be an easy and fast process, or as simple as Anya made it out to be, but the fact that Anya believed in her so much spoke volumes.
"I think they meant well, Anya. Please don't torture them too much." Lexa noted, a bit of blooming relief allowing her lips to form a grin.
Anya just laughed and pulled her closer; after such a long last couple of hours, it was nice to just relax into her cousin's hug, knowing she could save whatever courage she had for later, because right now, she was safe.
"I scheduled a private training session for them tomorrow, already. I'll hold off with the worst of it until after the game against BC, then I'll see if any of my plans are worth putting into action. Deal?" Her cousin asked, eyes slipping shut as she gently pressed their foreheads together.
"That's just a delayed death sentence." Lexa mumbled using her foot and a free hand to pull Anya's blanket up from the foot of the bed, lazily pulling it over the both of them. They'd worked hard; the least they deserved was a late-afternoon nap.
"Well, they did try and hatch a plan about my baby cousin without my knowledge." Anya noted with a yawn, body tensing and stretching for a moment before returning to its slackened state. "Unforgivable."
Lexa could tell Anya was drifting off, clearly overtired and ready for a decent rest, so she decided to keep her words a little truncated. "They're your team. Go easier."
"Mmh. Blood must have blood, little one." Anya snarked back with a sleepy grin.
All she could do was sigh at the words, knowing Anya had likely made up her mind earlier that morning, and wouldn't budge. Sucks to be them, I guess...
"Anya?" She probed, unsure if her cousin was conscious enough to answer another question. She knew it could wait, and that Anya had already basically told her the answer earlier, but she just felt a need for some confirmation.
"Mmhmm?" The half-asleep woman answered, clearly fading fast.
"I might need some time, but...I can do this, right?" She asked, knowing she definitely would need time to adjust, to wrap her head around the concept of trying to date Clarke. There was a lot left to work through, but she had time, Lexa knew that much. Whether she could be ready enough to start anything remotely soon? That wasn't anything she had answers for.
Anya let out a long yawn and scooted up on the bed slightly, enough to press her lips to Lexa's forehead in a familiar, comforting gesture that had her feeling tremendously more relaxed. "You're stronger than you know, little one. Of course you can."
Anya's faith in her had her eyes fluttering shut, ready to accept a bit of a break from the world, a recuperation from her tumultuous past and the uncertainty of her future. Her lovable cousin rarely steered her wrong, and if Anya believed, and a piece of herself believed, however small, then that was enough.
Lexa wasn't certain that love would be a strength for her, but she was willing to find out. With how painful it was distancing herself from it like the plague, and how it ramped up her anxiety, it couldn't hurt to see if Anya was right. She did love Anya, after all, and she loved Lincoln. They did give her strength, but romantic love was different.
With some rest, and a little help, Lexa thought she might have reason to be optimistic.
A/N: So this took a long time to come out. Apologies for that, but I just wasn't feeling motivated.
Initially, I was too caught up in the early episodes of the show to write. All the Polis scenes had me thinking more about lore and characterization than any of my stories. But then 307 happened, and...I basically lost all motivation to write for a while.
If this chapter seems rushed in any way, it's because I cut some character development that had been slated for the next 5 chapters and condensed a good chunk of it into this one. I honestly don't have the heart to write much angst or sad stuff with Clexa right now, and my decision was between abandoning this story potentially forever, or continuing it in a way that let me get to the happier portions faster. I did my best to make it all as organic as possible, but this chapter ended up quite heavy and wordy nonetheless.
Anywho, thank you all so much for taking the time to read, I hope you're all doing well after this past month.
