Lexa plopped down onto the bench in her stall as she caught her breath, grabbing a towel to wipe the sweat from her forehead. It'd been a hard first period against the Eagles, and she was not amused at how much better the team was since their last meeting.
Her Huskies were the fastest team in the conference, but BC trapped down the neutral zone so effectively that their speed was rendered next to useless. Every time they managed to get the puck into the Eagles' end, their opponent's backchecking was furious, and was clearly frustrating her teammates, who were uncharacteristically sloppy in their passing and sticking to their gameplan.
"This has to stop." Anya stated calmly, but loud enough for the whole locker room to hear. "We came in too prideful and unprepared, and that's on us. We want this win, and we want to prove we're the better team, because we ARE the better team. They played us hard, so we tried to do it all ourselves...it's not going to work. It's not going to work for fifty second shifts, the pace is going to be high, and we can't let ourselves get outskated."
Lexa nodded along, knowing she had been one of the people trying to put the team on her back for a few moments in the first. Hard not to get frustrated with Clarke Griffin on her ass almost every shift out there.
"There's a lesson out there...we have half a season left, and not long until the Beanpot. As far as I'm concerned, they're all playoff games for us, we cannot afford to give them or anyone an advantage heading into the tournaments. And right now, we're looking at yet another tie. That's nothing." Anya continued, her words taking on a little bite to them, as her cousin cast her gaze around the room. "Soft shit doesn't win. I learned that my first two years here, and last year we climbed to the top of the damn food chain. We earned it."
Lexa rolled her eyes a little and hid a smile, knowing how much Anya loved talking about their championship wins the previous year. She glanced around the room at her teammates and noticed Caris staring back at Anya with a fire in her eyes. At least one of us is worked up over this...hell, she's been ready to go all week. Though I can't blame her. Clarke and Raven burned her right after our powerplay goal, and she can't be happy about that...I think Clarke and Octavia did near the start of the game, too, but Echo made the stop.
"In this hockey world, WE are the apex predators. And these Eagles think they can come into our home and lay claim to it? We're the Huskies! We play as one, we think as one, and we execute. They drew blood against us, and we all know that blood must have blood. So there's only one way we do this." Anya grit out as she slowly paced across the room. "We play hard. We perfect our line changes. We stop cheating, because we don't have to. We charge through their defenses, we push to the net, we make it hard for them. We get our heads on straight, we do it right, and we play Huskies hockey."
At that, Anya stormed back off to her stall, Indra stepping forward with her clipboard in hand. "That means we make adjustments. Lexa, you need to remember to look for passing opportunities instead of trying to rush in on your own. Number nineteen has a good read on you, so you can't be selfish. Sienne, be mindful of your ice time. You were late on three of your shifts, and it led to two breakouts for the Eagles. Sharpen up."
Lexa nodded at her coach and took a gulp of her coach's energizing concoction that both tasted like ass and halfway made her feel like she could conquer the world a few minutes after consuming it.
"Caris, mind your gap control. The Eagles are faster than last time, and you're giving them too much room to use their speed and letting them slip by on either side at will. You're the obstacle between our opponents and Echo, make them pay for every inch, don't let them abuse you out there." Indra continued, drawing a heavy huff from the defender.
"I'll make her pay, coach. No way she does that to me again and gets clear. Blood must have blood." Caris snarled, hands clutching the bench beneath her hard enough for her knuckles to whiten. Honestly, the woman seemed uncharacteristically furious. The last thing they needed was Caris to snap and take an inopportune penalty. Maybe I should bring it to Anya? Or...well, we have a lot to work on already. If her anger sticks, maybe I'll tell her in the second intermission, we should be in our groove by then...yeah...
"Just hold the line Caris. Do your job." Indra noted, sparing the defender one last glance before turning to another player. "Emori, gaining and controlling possession in their zone is key, and so is pinching at the blue line to keep it that way. Don't wait for a pass to the point, that's not putting the team first."
Lexa let out a heavy breath and took another gulp of her drink, hoping her team would get it together for the next period. They really couldn't afford another tie, giving up home ice advantage in the season series to the Eagles.
She'd never hear the end of it from Clarke, Raven, and Octavia.
Anya felt exhausted. The Eagles had her line trapped in their own zone for nearly a minute, and she didn't even need to look at her bench to know Indra was fuming about it. There was twelve minutes left in the third, and their rivals were up four goals to three after a hectic back and forth second period. Her Huskies had come out of the gate strong in the third, but this shift was a setback and was sapping what momentum they'd built slowly but surely.
Yet again, Anya watched as another shot from the point made it through their defensive formation, bouncing off Echo's pad and off towards the corner closest to her. She sprinted over to it, but her legs felt like lead, and may as well have been, compared to the kind of jump Octavia had, having only gotten on the ice maybe twenty seconds ago. Even with her trademark fitness, she was edged out by the freshman, who carried the puck behind the net, quickly dishing it back to the hash-marks where Raven was waiting, who swiftly dished it back to harper, and so began the cycle again.
Anya spotted Lexa take her old spot in the formation and so relocated herself in the shooting lane from the half boards, slowly edging out towards Raven, shifting on her edges as her girlfriend adjusted to her teammates, clearly trying to open up a lane to the net.
Like hell if she'd let that happen.
However, just as she went to take a more aggressive approach with the defender, Anya watched two things happen. The first was Harper bobbling a pass from Clarke. The second was Clarke stumbling to her knees, tripping over Lexa's stick.
Immediately, Anya rushed up the wings, breathing a sigh of relief as Tris poked the puck free and began carrying it through the neutral zone. It was about as good an opportunity as ever, with only Octavia, Raven, and Monroe ahead of her, Tris, and Lexa, their forward speed slightly trumping the speed and agility of the Eagles rushing backwards.
She watched Tris avoid a pokecheck from Octavia as she approached the Eagles' blue line and patiently waited for her to cross and dump it in so they could start a line change, finally. It was a grunt from the other side of the ice that just barely grabbed her attention, watching Ontari stumble and fall as she tried to hop the boards.
Her attention halfway over at the other side of the ice also gave her full view of Clarke Griffin sprinting up the ice. Anya yelled out to Tris to dump it just as the girl's skates edged past the blue line, but it was too late, Octavia tossing on the breaks, forcing Tris to pivot to the inside.
Right where Octavia's stick was, lightly tapping the puck and sending it between her teammate's legs, right to Clarke, who was already turning on a damn dime.
Anya immediately pivoted and rushed back to the bench for a change, no chance to catch the blonde. Caris was fresh, but scrambling to move into position and establish gap control as Clarke blitzed down ice.
"Fuck me." Anya grit out as she slumped down onto the bench, shaking her head as Clarke flipped the puck over Caris' stick and through her legs in avoiding a stick check, the blonde spinning around the defender when Caris went to block her path. Anya felt a pit in her stomach, having much rather taken a penalty there as she watched Clarke recover the puck and race down the ice with Caris right on her ass, sprinting after her.
For the second time that game, Clarke twisted her body and released the puck at a strange, sharp angle, Anya's eyes widening as Caris plowed into Clarke from behind, giving her best friend a hard cross-check right in the numbers.
Out of her periphery, Anya noticed the puck burst off like a sniper shot into the top left corner over Echo's glove. She idly noticed the red lightcome on and felt an urge to let out a heavy sigh for being down by two goals for the first time all season.
But what Anya's eyes couldn't help but be fully focused on as she moved to hop the boards in complete terror was Clarke, already off-balance from taking the shot and accelerating so quickly, sailing through the air from the impact of Caris' cross-check.
Her legs failed her upon hitting the ice as Clarke crashed head-first into the boards, the sickening impact echoing through Matthews Arena and utterly disintegrating her heart as she gasped for breath.
Anya wasn't sure what it was, maybe it was seeing Caris' face as her teammate turned around, but her instincts quickly kicked in, needing to ensure Clarke got all the help she needed, and that no one else was harmed.
She took a strangled breath and gestured to her teammates still on the ice. "Get to the fucking bench! Everyone, now!" Anya yelled, watching Ontari scramble back as Lexa aimlessly drifted down the ice towards the downed Eagle. "Caris, get the fuck over here!"
Thankfully, the defender seemed to snap out of whatever fury-induced haze she'd been in and quickly ducked her head, skating quickly over. Anya turned to an approaching referee and gestured to Caris, not even wanting to look at the woman for fear the growing burning inside of her would overwhelm her. "Get her the hell out of here." She grit out, looking over the ref's shoulder to see Raven holding back a few Eagles, including Octavia, from getting to Caris as the woman skated by.
Caris reached the bench just as two of NU's medical staff emerged from the tunnel and rushed off onto the ice to join BC's doctor heading down ice. Anya made the mistake of looking over her shoulder to Clarke, the blonde motionless on the ice, surrounded by Harper, Monroe, and Echo, both Raven and Octavia skating over once Caris was on her way back to the dressing room.
Lexa was just standing still at the top of the crease, watching on.
I'll deal with Caris later...Anya thought to herself as she glided over to join her cousin, resting a hand on her shoulder.
"Clarke's strong. She'll be okay." She heard herself say, not fully believing her words, just knowing the needed to be said. Because a reality where Clarke wasn't okay would be unimaginable.
Anya shook the horrific thoughts from her overactive imagination and focused on the reality in front of her. Clarke was motionless on the ice, the doctor was treating her, and they had a stretcher and a neck brace at the ready. They were medical professions, surely they would be moving with more haste if it was serious.
At least, she figured as much. Clarke would know what's going on...She mused with a frown as she caught Lexa's gaze.
"How do you know?" Lexa asked, her voice so reminiscent of the fear after Costia's fall. Anya felt her throat fill with shrapnel at the mere thought of Lexa going through that pain again. At losing her own best friend just as they'd begun getting close.
"I just do." Anya stated firmly, turning her head away in hopes Lexa would see the tears that finally broke a path down her cheeks. "She'll be okay. We...we have eleven minutes left. We need to finish the game, finish our debrief, and then we'll go be with her. And she'll be fine."
Anya knew Lexa wasn't as good at compartmentalizing as she was. It wasn't a shock when Lexa wasn't quite up to her suggestion. "How can we even continue after this? God, Anya, I'm shaking. I..." Lexa started, shaking her head and skating off towards the boards.
Anya followed and slung an arm around her cousin's back to stabilize her and keep her on her feet. "We'll be okay, little one. Clarke will, too. We're no use to her right now, she needs help from professionals. And we need to wind down so you don't have an attack and I don't murder someone. So we're going to play the rest of the game." Anya stated, resting her helmet against Lexa's as her eyes welled up. She couldn't see Lexa anymore for the tears, but it didn't matter, she didn't need her sight right then. She just needed not to let the swell of fear and anger overtake her, knowing any sign of it would make Lexa panic.
She had to be what her little one needed at the moment, she had to keep up the notion that Clarke would be fine, even though the doctor was taking a long time, and Clarke was still flat on the ice. "Then we'll go make arrangements, after. We'll prep for the hospital, we'll get her some nice flowers at a florist, we'll have Lincoln get groceries and comfy clothes for her place, and we'll wait until she can have visitors. And she'll be happy to see us. That's how it's going to be."
Lexa turned into her and wrapped both arms around her, entirely uncharacteristic for her, at least in the context of hockey, but Anya returned the embrace, knowing Lexa needed her strength.
Anya wasn't sure how much she had left to give, but whatever Lexa needed, whatever Raven needed, whatever Clarke needed, they would have it. She just prayed that Clarke would be okay.
She just needed to be okay.
It was two hours to the end of the standard visiting period when Anya's phone rang, Raven calling to say that they could come up, and that the Eagles had finished their brief visitation. She and Anya had been waiting in the hospital's parking garage for well over an hour at that point, Lexa barely having been able to help contain her cousin's sad fury that had only built since the end of the game. That stopped mattering once they'd found their way inside and to a small waiting room near where Clarke was being held, Lexa carrying an armful of flowers.
Everything had felt hazy since the incident, so perhaps that's why it took Lexa an extra moment or two to realize that they'd stopped in the waiting room, that they weren't heading straight in to see Clarke. Which, really, had a jolt of panic coursing through her, only barely dulled by the sight of Anya's similar frustration over the situation as well, as Raven moved to intercept them. Octavia, after giving a middle-aged man and a young girl an odd look, joined them.
Lexa's eyes darted around at passing nurses, at the intensity of the fluorescent lighting, at the vague familiarity of the man, before a hand clutching hers drew her back to the group in time to hear Raven say something about tests.
Which sent her heart plummeting through her chest at the absolute ambiguity of the statement and pushed all her focus to Raven and Octavia, but that element of the conversation seemed to be over as soon as it began. She could feel her insides burn with worry at not knowing, even as something that felt a lot like relief flowed through her for the same reason.
It was all so conflicting, and she was so tired.
"I know, Lexa." Anya murmured into her ear, forcing a blush to her cheeks even while she knew that somehow, Anya understood whatever thought she voiced.
She was sure Anya got it, too, because it's not like they hadn't been going through all of it together. It's not as if Lexa had given any choice to Anya but to drag her cousin into her and Clarke's mess. Well, more my mess...
Lexa knew it should never have gotten to this point. None of them should be in the hospital, and Clarke should not be hurt and having tests run on her. She should have done more, and now that for once, someone she cares for had returned to her, Lexa found herself feeling deeply unworthy of it.
It was humbling.
It was terrifying.
It had her swallowing hard to push down her grief when Octavia called the older man over, the light bulb in her brain clicking on as his appearance finally jogged her memory, tears springing to her eyes at the realization that this strong bear of a man seemed as scared as she felt. Like maybe she wouldn't get Clarke back in a way that could have a happy ending for anyone involved.
"Lexa, this is Jason, he's family to Clarke." Octavia noted, Lexa taking the offered hand in an absent-minded shake, eyes shifting to the side to take in the man's apparent daughter. And of course he was scared; he had a daughter, he could clearly imagine something like this happening to his little one.
Which had Lexa scanning the room for someone with Clarke's features, knowing her mother was a doctor, her mother was alive, her mother had to know. Yet, there was no one, forcing Lexa's eyes back to the man and offering a slow nod. He was it. He was who Clarke had left. Her falling out with her mom must have been really bad...
Anya saved her from any feeble, half-thought greeting or response, thankfully. "So what DO we know? When can we get in to see her? Where's her mother?" Her cousin shot out with that familiar fury burning at the edge of her words, the slight growl in the last question doing little to mask how Anya felt. Anya's hands were shaking like leaves, and there wasn't enough anger in the world to hide how scared she was, not that her cousin wouldn't try. A mere glance at Octavia and Raven was enough to know that no one there was entirely free of worry.
"I'm not gonna lie to you, ladies, it's not too pretty. She was out of it for a long time, and when she woke, she was...she was disoriented and in pain, so they pumped her full of something to put her to sleep after they ran some tests. They put the neck brace back on last I checked, and she hasn't come out of it yet except for little bits when they've been doing their tests. They said they'll be done soon, and when they are, we can head in." Jason explained thickly as his eyes swept across the group, eventually fixing on Anya. "I was surprised to hear I was her emergency contact, but Clarke's like a second daughter to me, and I was at the game, so I'm here. I gave Abby a call a few times, but all I got was voicemail, so I don't know with her. I...I don't know."
The man seemed genuinely perplexed and sad, glancing back at his girl who was playing on her 3DS a few feet away, and it didn't take a mind reader to know he couldn't fathom what was going on in that regard.
Still, as much as Lexa wanted to soak in the consequences of her actions and self-flagellate, she could tell that Anya was about ten seconds from exploding with some sort of emotion, and that wouldn't bode well for anyone. As subtly as she could, she sidled up to the mechanic and rested a hand on the girl's shoulder, drawing Raven's attention away from Octavia for a moment, which was all Lexa needed. "Can you take Anya for a walk? She's about to have a meltdown, and she'll hate herself if me or Jason's daughter are around to see it."
Raven didn't hesitate for a second, nodding as she moved over to Anya, hooked her arm around the seething woman's, and practically marched off with her down a nearby hall. Once they'd made it around a corner and out of sight, Lexa let out a sigh of relief, knowing she'd at least managed to limit some of the fallout from today.
Still, with Jason having gone back to sit with his daughter, it left her alone with a scowling, fire-eyed Octavia. "What's being done with Caris?" Octavia growled out, the question more than a little predictable, and thankfully one she could answer.
"Tris is taking care of her." She stated, taking in a breath to get into specifics, though Octavia didn't seem to have patience for even that.
"What does that mean? We talking mob style, or...?" The fiery girl demanded, prompting a shake of her head, which didn't seem to please the girl.
"Tris took her out of town to her backyard rink, where Caris...by now...should be in the middle of a bag skate." Lexa clarified, only for Octavia to step within a breath of her, red-faced and practically snarling.
"That's fucking it?" The shorter girl bit out lowly, quiet enough to avoid attention, but furious enough to clearly show that the girl was just about ready to punch someone if Clarke wasn't going to have justice. And Lexa did not want to be punched in a hospital, as guilty as she might be. It'd upset Anya too much.
"It's negative ten and windy as hell outside, and Tris has all evening. Caris will skate until she cannot stand, and then she'll skate more, until she passes out or vomits enough. Then she'll serve her suspension, and both Indra and Anya will decide if Caris will get to skate with the team again this season. It might take a few more bag skates to convince the team that she's truly sorry for what she did, and both Anya and I will be there to ensure that the debt is paid." Lexa continued a little tersely, even if she really didn't want to give the girl attitude. Octavia was right to be upset and want some closure.
Thankfully, it seemed her words were enough to calm the firebrand in front of her, Octavia taking a step back, even if the girl didn't look entirely pleased. "Anya has always worked from the old motto that blood must have blood. That was how we rallied against teams who scored against us, who beat us, but make no mistake, it translates to team discipline. What she did was wrong, and disgusting, and has no place in hockey, especially on our team, so we're handling it. Justice will be served, Octavia." Lexa finished, unsure if the words were at all necessary, but they did draw a small, thankful smile, so there was that.
"Thanks. Just been a hard day. I trust you and Anya." Octavia noted with an undeserved soft expression, before glancing down at the flowers Lexa was carrying. "Doesn't hurt you apparently bought out a florist. I'm sure Clarke'll appreciate it."
Lexa wasn't sure what to say to that, knowing her offering was far less that what the blonde deserved, but it'd been all she could figure out on short notice. It was the one thing she could pick up in less than ten minutes that could express everything else she hoped to offer.
But Octavia was probably right, Clarke would likely appreciate them. She was nice like that.
"It's not enough, but it's something." Lexa let out in the end, not feeling particularly comfortable in accepting any praise for her efforts, even if Clarke could enjoy them. It didn't seem right to be rewarded for providing comfort after having helped cause pain. "I thought Lincoln would be here by now." She added, not wanting to dwell on the flowers any more.
Octavia's smile perked up at the mention of her boyfriend, predictably. "Oh, yeah, apparently Anya texted him with some extra errands to run, so he'll be a little late getting here."
Lexa nodded, thinking that perhaps he was who Anya had been texting furiously in the car a while back. She knew Anya had sent Lincoln off with a key to Clarke's place, so that he could do a grocery run for her. It was one thing everyone seemed to agree on, that a cramped dorm room wouldn't be a good place to recover from whatever injuries the blonde was facing; Lincoln being asked to gather a few extra things didn't seem too farfetched given how overbearing Anya could be, and how her cousin's mind was always on the go.
Speaking of Anya... Lexa mused to herself as she spotted her cousin and Raven heading back towards them, Anya appearing a lot less angry and a lot more exhausted. Raven was speaking slowly and quietly, holding Anya's complete attention, which was about as much of a miracle as anything.
As they got closer, Anya let out a loud huff at something the other girl said, Raven's smile growing as Anya's eyes rolled.
"Hey, don't give me guff, I'm serious. My doctor prescribed me more vitamin U. I can show you if you want." Raven shot back a bit above their previous whisper, close enough for Lexa to hear and stifle a groan at the cheesy line.
"Your doctor did not prescribe you that." Anya stated firmly, though the barest hint of a smile was honestly victory enough, and by how Raven's face lit up, she knew the other girl felt the same way.
"Wait a sec..." Raven noted, quickly grabbing her phone and skimming through it for a few seconds before practically shoving the screen in Anya's face. "There, happy now?"
Anya's eyes narrowed, jaw setting to the side a bit. "Raven, we are in a hospital. I don't care how hard you've fallen for me, Life-Alert is not a laughing matter."
"But babe, I've got serious medical needs. Your body's sixty percent water, and I'm thirsty." Raven chided playfully, Octavia letting out a quiet groan at her friend's antics.
Her cousin's long, exaggerated sigh was all that was needed to know that Raven's goofiness was rubbing off on Anya, and definitely easing her worries for the moment. "We're in the company of children, Raven. But...I suppose that we could talk about that later on. Only long after we make sure Clarke's okay."
Raven's genuine surprise was almost enough to have Lexa smiling, almost. Especially as it faded into a theatrical bit of feigned shock. "Oh mercy me! Are you asking me out on a date, Anya Pine?"
"Oh my god, you're insufferable." Anya groused, running a hand down her face in exasperation. "We can talk about it later, I don't know."
"I'm just saying, I'm definitely free this Wednesday. Maybe we could hang out in the library...I may not have a library card, but if you don't mind me checking you out, I'm game." Raven teased with a grin, making Lexa wonder just how many one-liners the girl had floating around in that head of hers.
"Raven, we're in a hospital. Checking on Clarke." Anya huffed, face growing a bit redder, which Lexa could understand. It wasn't exactly the classiest thing to ask someone out while they waited for the results of a friend's traumatic injury. Still, she had given Raven the mission of distracting Anya, and she seemed to be passing that test with flying colours. Besides, Raven hit on Anya at the gym a few times a week for over a month, their dynamic was always a little unique.
"Yeah, and we'll be taking care of our blonde firecracker the rest of the weekend and throughout the week. But as much as she loves us, she's gonna want a little breathing room eventually. Even if that's just me taking you out for some pizza while Clarke's resting with O or Lexa at her side." Raven countered with big bright eyes and a soft smile.
Honestly, Lexa had never seen anyone's puppy dog expression work on Anya before, but the way that her cousin's expression faltered, a flicker of a shy smile surfacing, she couldn't help but feel that maybe Raven was partially made of kryptonite. Whatever reservations she'd once had, the naked truth was that Raven was good for Anya, and as much as it sometimes felt like the other girl was pulling her cousin away a little bit, it honestly seemed for the best if it'd help her cousin have more of a normal life.
Anya held Raven's expectant gaze for long seconds before letting out a soft sigh, the slightest of grins twitching at her lips. "Fine. Pizza. But only if we bring some back for Clarke."
Raven's exuberance could have filled the room in that moment, but when the girl's attention sharply shifted to an approaching doctor, Lexa had a feeling Reyes' elation would have to wait. Lexa gathered with the others as the doctor entered the waiting room and approached Jason.
"I apologize for the wait, Mr. Panyko, but I have some good news about Miss Griffin. We did a full gamut of tests, and her results for all the major concerns are clean. There's no internal bleeding, no skull fracture, and no spinal fracture." The doctor relayed, drawing sighs of relief from just about everyone as Lexa felt some of her fears subside. The memory of Clarke going headfirst into the boards had been seared into her mind, and a major neck injury seemed inevitable; that there hadn't been a fracture was incredible.
She might have pinched herself just to make sure she wasn't dreaming.
"So where does that leave us?" Raven asked with a hint of trepidation, drawing the doctor's attention quickly.
"Clarke's suffered a severe concussion, and she's dealing with neck spasms as well. So when she wakes again, she's probably not going to feel comfortable, and she might not remember where she is or why, again. Her neck is going to be tight and painful for a while, and there's a good chance she'll have a serious headache as well, and might be disoriented from the medication and injuries. We have her on some anti-inflammatories, and some ice packs around her neck to help, but right now she needs to focus on resting up." The doctor began, eyes calmly scanning across the group.
"With regular treatment, we're hopeful the spasms will subside within the week, and we'll be setting up future appointments for her to be checked for post-concussion symptoms. With any luck, she'll be back to good in a few weeks, but she's going to need to rest, and to stay away from anything too physical or anything athletic. The nurses will be by to change her ice pack in the next forty minutes, and I'll make sure they have information on treatment ready by the time visiting hours end. We want to keep her overnight for observation, but so long as there aren't any surprises between now and then, she'll be discharged tomorrow morning at six. For now, you can go in and see her." The doctor explained, finishing her lengthy spiel with a smile, holding her clipboard against her chest as Anya dragged Raven away at a brisk place, the rest of them following close behind. It wasn't that they didn't appreciate her words, or the detailed information, they just wanted to be with Clarke.
It wasn't a long walk to Clarke's room, though as she approached, Lexa found her pace slowing, her feet growing heavier, until she remained at the doorway, stuck in place from the sudden realization that this was it. Any emotional distance she'd been using as a crutch was obliterated the moment Clarke hit the boards, and now the physical distance was gone, too.
This was the start of a new era, one without any major control as to the distance between her and the blonde. Clarke would be the one to decide how close they'd get. Clarke would be the one to decide if she wanted Lexa near, after everything. Clarke would be the one to decide if or when she'd be forgiven.
Stability and control had been her rocks across the past few years, and standing at the doorway, she could no more grasp them than the clouds in the sky. It seemed fitting that everyone seemed to navigate to a space in the room symbolic of their relationship with the blonde.
Anya had circled around to the far side of Clarke's bed, her cousin kissing the unconscious blonde's forehead before taking a seat and clasping both of her shaking desperate hands around Clarke's slackened one. As Anya lifted Clarke's hand to her lips, eyes tearing up with all that anger now washed away, Raven took position behind her, resting hands on the older woman's shoulders, keeping watch of both blondes. Which, honestly, won the girl-genius some extra points for being a rock when Anya and Clarke needed her.
Octavia stood guard by the wall, at the midpoint between the bed and the door, arms crossed in a fresh fury that Lexa predicted wouldn't fade until Clarke's blue eyes fluttered open. Jason and his daughter had taken the seat on the near side of Clarke's bed, the daughter on the man's lap; the security guard whispered softly to his daughter as the girl took Clarke's hand into both of her smaller ones, sadly watching over her adored babysitter.
Lexa's gaze swept the room and found little reasonable space for her to fill. And honestly, very little reason to make an attempt; in the week leading up to the game, she'd noticed Caris looking forward to it. She'd noticed the heightened aggression, the remarks made about wanting to ruin the Eagles for what they did in their last match-up. She'd noticed the anger and the bitterness during the first and second intermissions, and had dismissed it. Had she not been so caught up in wondering how to deal with what she felt for Clarke, and how to try and somehow manage a plan of action to start getting closer with her, she could have realized how deep Caris' humiliation ran.
I should have told her... She mused to herself as she shook her head, teeth clamping down on her lip in a failed attempt to bite back her tears. Shame coursed through her with each heartbeat, knowing she didn't deserve to cry, she didn't deserve the right to feel bad. It was Clarke who had rushed to her and Anya's side, fearful for their health and safety. It was Clarke who had spent the better part of an hour and a half going over Harvard's tactics and behaviour to prepare them as best she could for the danger they'd faced that game, so that when a player had taken a run at Anya, her cousin had seen it coming.
I don't deserve to be here... She realized, swallowing hard at that truth until her feet felt freer, enough to slowly plod her way through the room to the nightstand and leave her collection of flowers. After all, Clarke deserved something nice, and not a reminder of her betrayal. I should have told her...
It was a hand carefully resting on her arm that startled Lexa out of her thoughts, quickly realizing everyone in the room was staring at her. Thankfully, Anya kept her from having to ask what she did; just a glance at her tearful baffled cousin let her know she'd said something. "What should you have told her?" Anya asked from across the room, blinking away her tears as if that was at all possible, and as if it was at all reasonable to fight away her emotions for Clarke to where she could defend and protect Lexa.
Lexa could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks at the revelation she'd spoken her thoughts, but kept her focus, slowly backing away from Jason's hand and towards the door. "I should have told her about Caris...I should have told her how angry she was, how vengeful she was."
"Lexa, this isn't your fault, you..." Anya started, but Lexa was entirely out of patience for Anya being patient with her. All that led to was Clarke bedridden in a hospital, suffering from brain damage, so this time, she knew Anya's words were empty platitudes. They had to be, no matter the intent.
"It is my fault, she wouldn't be here if..." Lexa retorted, wrenching herself away at Octavia's attempt to take hold of her. "Get off me!" She grit out lowly, regretting the momentary flare-up of her rage, knowing Octavia didn't deserve any of it being directed her way. She shifted focus back at Anya, needing her cousin to see reason. "Clarke left that game and freaking rushed to warn us about people who might...maybe...could have tried to hurt us. You're safe because of her, Anya. She was worried we'd get hurt, and...and I didn't do the same, even though I was worried about Caris. I should have told Clarke, and..."
The moment her voice broke upon the wounded girl's name, Octavia made good on her initial attempt, pulling her in for an embrace that was both infuriatingly unjust, and embarrassingly comforting. It all had tears flowing harder, unvoiced sobs killed in the chokepoint of her throat as her somewhat-friend held her close.
"This isn't on you, Lexa. But what's this about Clarke?" Octavia asked as she rubbed slow, calming circles against her shoulder blades.
"After the game against Harvard, Clarke visited us and gave us a heads-up on some of their players who were playing dirty, and offered some advice on how to pick apart the team's weaknesses." Anya explained with worried eyes fixed on her, certainly more capable of stringing clear syllables than Lexa was at the moment, even as she fought to recompose herself.
Octavia let out a laugh that provided a little levity to the room after all the guilt Lexa had brought in with her. "Sounds like her. She was on a warpath after Tsing was taken out, and just freaking bolted out of there after the game as soon as Kane's debrief was over."
"Clarke was worried." Lexa insisted, needing to voice the words, needing to remind them of the goodness Clarke had fueling her, and of how she had failed the blonde in that regard.
Lexa hoped it was the last failure, but it was a failure nonetheless.
"Mom?"
The strained, groggy voice from the bed froze everyone in the room, Lexa's heart cracking at how weakly voiced that single word was. It was the quick realization of what word had been spoken that shattered it into shrapnel, noticing Jason's hand resting hesitantly on Clarke's forearm, watching Anya pull Clarke's hand up for a kiss, knowing the one person Clarke instinctively called out for wasn't there to soothe the blonde.
People were supposed to look out for their family, even when they disappointed them. So when it was Jason to gently rub at the blonde's arm while speaking up, the utter devastation on Clarke's face, even if just for a split second, was one more tragedy under her watch. There was no protecting Clarke from that reality, not anymore, and she found herself struggling against Octavia's hold once more. For whatever it was worth, Lincoln's girlfriend was stronger than she looked.
"Hey there, princess. It's Uncle Nyko, you're in the hospital, but you're going to be okay, alright?" Jason soothed, his nervous rambling somehow managing to sound reassuring. Clarke's alert blues darted over to him for a moment before growing hazy when Anya brought Clarke's hand up to her lips again.
"Nyko?" Clarke asked, both syllables wobbling out of her, lower lip trembling, before turning her head ever so slightly, enough to catch sight of her cousin. "Anya?" The blonde cried out with fresh tears slipping down past her temples, eyes clamping shut when Clarke tried to turn her head another inch closer.
"I'm here, my sky girl. We're...we're all here, Clarke." Anya murmured, voice thick and straining, her cousin's emotional walls collapsing one by one by the second as Clarke scanned the room with her eyes. The slightest slump of the younger blonde's shoulders after a few seconds of clear expectation, the faintest hitched breath, all had a fresh fury boiling within Anya; that much was clear in those dark amber eyes.
Anya was a handful when she was angry. Anya was overbearing when she was sad. But when Anya was both sad and angry, that's when shit would hit the fan, and Lexa could see her cousin clearly building towards that point as Clarke's desperate heartbreak and confusion grew more visible.
"W...why am I in the hospital? Why does my head hurt so much?" Clarke managed to get out, clearer than Lexa had expected given the practical torrent of tears streaming down the girl's face.
Anya's mouth shot open to explain, to help Clarke understand, but nothing came out. The only thing that rushed up was the blood to Anya's cheeks and the tears building in her eyes. When her cousin's mouth clamped shut again, expression turning stony immediately, it only took Raven a half second to pitch in for her. "You beat Caris at the blue line again and scored. She sent you into the boards when you were mid-shot...apparently, Lexa thought she was being shady, but it's totally on the bitch, everyone knows that. And you're gonna be fine in a few weeks when your concussion and neck heal up, but right now it's alright if you're confused or can't remember everything, okay?"
"Your friends have been getting your place all set up for your recovery, Clarke. You'll be allowed to go home in the morning...Ellie and I will settle you in ourselves." Nyko added with a smile, a kind gesture that likely didn't escape the blonde, though it might not have been what she'd been hoping for, all things considered.
Clarke was stock still for one, two, three long seconds before offering the slightest of nods and a sheepish smile. "Thanks, Nyko, Ellie. I can always count on you guys. And we still have to finish 'Big Hero 6', Ellie, so I hope you're good for keeping me company soon."
"Uh huh! We can watch Tangled, too!" The little girl exclaimed, clearly satisfied with Clarke's health if the older girl was capable of watching movies with the munchkin. Lexa envied the girl's innocence.
"Sounds like a plan, sugarplum." Clarke noted warmly, before shifting her gaze towards Anya, gritting and whining as she rotated her head to face her. "Anya, I n...need you to...to listen to me, okay?" Clarke managed to get out, as strangled with pain as each word was.
"Clarke..." Anya growled in warning, the severity a clear sign that her cousin was close to the breaking point already.
"No, Anya. This...this isn't your fault." Clarke shot back, that familiar challenge and passion in her voice, even if it was splintered with the clear pain the blonde was experiencing. Anya, for her part, just set her jaw, all hard and unrelenting, and cast her eyes downwards, only the slightest tremor from her bottom lip. Clarke let out a sigh, and probably rolled her eyes from the sound of it. "Anya, I love you. I love you, and I...I love that you're here for me, but... I need you to give yourself a break."
At this point, Anya had the tendency to clam up, shoot daggers with her eyes, and storm out. So Lexa was more than a little surprised, and a bit panicked, when that steely jaw began to tremble, Anya shaking her head in defeat as her shoulders heaved and silent sobs escaped her.
Immediately, Lexa broke free of Octavia's hold and rushed over, kneeling at her cousin's side as Raven embraced Anya, pressing kisses to her head as she cried. It was honestly possibly the most openly emotional Anya'd let herself be in years, and like hell if she'd let her go through that alone. "It's not your fault, Anya. It's not. I should have told her, and I didn't, so you didn't do this, Anya." She insisted quietly, against Anya's hastened head shaking.
"I love you, so you have to listen to me. Lexa's right that you're not to blame. We all know it. Look...we'll talk later when you're feeling less furious, okay?" Clarke asked softly, drawing another immediate nod from Anya, who got to wiping away her tears, ever so slowly reeling in her rampant emotions for the time being. "Octavia, Nyko, can you...can you take everyone to the café for some food? I could hear your stomach rumble from all the way over here, O."
"Are you sure?" Octavia asked, some of that anger having burned away enough for the worry in her eyes to show.
"I love you all, but I...I just need a moment..." Clarke let out tiredly, a request that Lexa was fairly sure everyone was willing to respect and accommodate, given the circumstances. Clarke had always been so strong, it couldn't be easy to deal with a situation where everyone got to see her when she was weak, and sad, and confused, and heartbroken. "...and Raven, I think Anya could use some of that Ritter chocolate the café has hanging around. The one with coconut inside."
Raven offered a sad smile and ushered her girlfriend to the door with the rest of the reluctant group. It was only when Lexa was halfway through the doorway that she thought she heard the blonde call for her. It was a bit silly, but she turned her head regardless, and was stunned to see Clarke staring straight at her. "Lexa, stay...please."
Unsure how to feel about being alone with Clarke, knowing everything she'd done, Lexa felt a strong urge to escape. However, a stronger urge to face justice, and own up to the damage she'd cost Clarke held her in place as the others shuffled by her, Anya trailing a hand down her arm as she passed in a measure of support.
Not that she deserved any.
"I never meant to turn you into this." Lexa spoke as her body sagged, voice weak from the pain that knowledge saturated her with. "I should have told you."
Clarke's sigh did nothing to burn away her guilt. "Okay...say you told me about Caris. Or maybe you reprimand her before the game, what then? I...I still would have blitzed her at the blue line." Clarke stated, what firmness she tried to convey softened by her clear exhaustion. "I would have gone for that goal no matter what. Caris would have been angry, no matter what you could have said. Nothing would have changed. It's not your fault."
Clarke offered some compelling reasoning, but it didn't cover everything. It certainly didn't cover the principle of the matter. "Caris was excited to face your team. Too excited. I should have said something."
"It wouldn't have made a difference, Lexa." Clarke sighed, entirely missing the point, yet again. Which, well, she couldn't blame the blonde for, since she was the one who helped put her in the hospital with a concussion.
"It would have. To me, it would have." Lexa insisted, fists clenched, fingernails cutting hard into her palms with how hard she was working to keep from shaking. Clarke was supposed to be tearing her a new one, not absolving her.
It wasn't right.
"You shouldn't feel guilty." Clarke started again, drawing an unsanctioned huff, a reaction that only further incensed Lexa to get the blonde to change topics if she wasn't going to rail against her over this. However, Clarke's mouth managed to move faster than her own once Lexa's opened up to speak. "Don't even, Lexa. It's just...I knew, okay?"
Lexa's jaw hung open for a few long seconds as her brain willed itself to solve the absurd puzzle Clarke set out before her. Yet, try as she might, she couldn't make sense of it. "What? How? Who told you?"
"Not about Caris, Lexa. Don't be an idiot." The blonde chided her, a whine settling into her voice as eyelids drooped slightly across those familiar, gorgeous blues. It was hard to appreciate the insult when Clarke was so clearly wiped, and so frustration took priority instead.
"What the hell do you mean, then?" She asked, needing some clarity, or for Clarke to just end this, because nothing was making sense.
"You didn't have to say anything to me." Clarke continued, both in adding to the dialogue, and in continuing her nonsensical speech. Lexa could only lift her eyebrows expectantly, needing clarity, for once, even if she deserved this torture. "You didn't have to warn me. I know you worry, I know you care."
Fourteen words had never felt sharper in her life than the ones Clarke let out, infesting the air and making each new breath feel like her lungs were being stabbed from the inside. "That's...why...Clarke, I just..."
She was cut off partly by Clarke's sigh, and partly from the lack of oxygen from the soft, almost adoring expression the blonde fixed her with. "You're so full of it, Lexa, but I forgive you. That's what the purple hyacinths are for, right?" Clarke asked, causing Lexa's eyes to bug out and all moisture to evaporate from her mouth. Surely, Clarke was trying to kill her with what she was managing to do to her body.
It was impossible to speak. Not that Lexa had anything to say about undeserved forgiveness, but her lungs, throat, and mouth weren't up to the task, especially not when Clarke's head slowly turned enough to peer at the collection of flowers. "The white heather flowers are beautiful, too. Practically a whole bouquet." The blonde continued airily, speech finding the blonde with much greater ease, her words reducing Lexa to something of a statue standing halfway across the room from the girl she cared far too much for. "I'm a lucky girl...even if I don't need your protection."
Lexa felt her heart plummet through her stomach at the words, knees beginning to shake from the weight of her frame. The truth of Clarke's rejection was fair, but it didn't change how much it seared her soul to hear it.
"That said, it doesn't mean I wouldn't mind seeing it in action. So I guess I'll accept, if that's alright by you." Clarke added, tearing a strangled gasp from Lexa as hope lifted her heart back into her chest, unbidden tears blocking out the sight of the blonde as she nodded silently, more than willing to keep Clarke safe. This was her second chance.
This was her chance to make it right, to fight her fear and embrace weakness. Embrace another chance at love.
"I can't remember what the tulips stand for...they're pretty, though." Clarke mused openly, touching on the last of the flowers Lexa had brought with her. She'd wanted to express her remorse, she'd wanted to let Clarke know she wouldn't let her be hurt like this again. And lastly, perhaps less importantly, she wanted to show her affection, if Clarke would accept it.
It was the blonde's brow furrowing in concentration, the slight, soft pout jutting out, that had words forming in her throat before she could filter them. Lexa didn't want to exhaust the girl over something she could readily answer. "Beautiful eyes." She blurted out, immediately regaining Clarke's attention, those previously tired eyes as wide and alert as they ever were. It had Lexa feeling a little anxious, being so forward, so maybe her gaze dropped to her feet. "It's meant to tell someone that...that they have beautiful eyes." She continued, her gaze flicking around the room, blushing hard even having been a little indirect about it all.
Clarke's warm, happy hum had Lexa daring to meet the blonde's gaze again. "Thank you. That's really sweet of you, Lexa." Clarke whispered, swallowing hard before ever so slightly gesturing Lexa closer with her hand. "Sit with me?"
It was an offer she couldn't refuse, not with Clarke staring at her with such softness. Undeserving or not, she'd do what she could to earn it, crossing the room to sit up by the blonde's head. "Of course, Clarke." She murmured, reaching out to hold the blonde's hand, pulling back at the last moment, unsure if she had permission, if it was right.
Clarke made the decision for her, closing that last inch and entwining their fingers. "I'm glad you're here."
Lexa nodded, swallowing down the asteroid lodged in her throat. Earn it...earn it...make it right...
"Would you..." Clarke began, before clamping shut, cheeks blooming red and rosy, eyes averting.
Almost as if she was shy... Lexa thought to herself, bringing her other hand to stroke their conjoined set. Why, though...? "What?"
"Will you visit me?" Clarke asked, teeth biting down into that lovely lower lip, hard enough to have Lexa spike with worry, not at all understanding the hesitation. It wasn't Clarke who kept a mile of distance between her and everything else.
And while visits sounded as intimidating as they did wonderful, maybe Anya really was right. Maybe love wasn't weakness at all. Maybe love really could make a person more than what they were. That just because she lost herself after Costia, and nearly lost herself when Clarke hit the boards, it didn't mean that she couldn't find new parts with Clarke to build herself back up again. It didn't mean that she couldn't be someone that could help Clarke grow, either.
"I'd like that." Lexa whispered, those three words making it past the mass of emotions caught in her throat, but the dazzling smile that spread across Clarke's lips was so incredibly worth it.
"I'd like that, too." Clarke let out, half laughing before her eyes drooped a lit lower. "Feelin' sleepy, though."
Lexa ran a thumb over the back of Clarke's hand, swallowing back the memories of times Clarke fell asleep with or near her in the past. How vulnerable the blonde had been around her before, and how, with the renewed squeeze of her hand, Clarke didn't seem to want her to leave her alone to sleep this time either.
"You do need to rest, Clarke. We have time until you're discharged...we'll be here when you wake, I promise. I'll be here." Lexa promised, halfway wanting to lift Clarke's hand to her lips for a kiss, but she knew it wouldn't be appropriate. Maybe in the future, but not after today.
"You're sweet. Just remember, okay?" Clarke asked, her question not helping her understand the blonde. She cocked an eyebrow in question and got a light sigh from the bedridden girl. "You did nothing wrong. There's nothing to forgive, but if there was, you're forgiven. I need you to remember that. I need you to take care of yourself, and take care of Anya."
It wasn't something Lexa felt entirely certain she could hold herself to, but Clarke seemed insistent. The least she could do was look after Anya and try to stay by Clarke until she had to leave. "I will."
Clarke's eyes closed fully as the blonde yet out a contented hum. "Always sleep better when you're near. S' nice."
Lexa just held Clarke's hand, hoping the girl couldn't hear how fast and heavy her heart beat at hearing the admission. Still, she'd been told how she could help, and so she scooted the chair as close as possible in hopes it'd aid in Clarke falling asleep and getting much-needed rest.
There'd be time for caring for anyone else later. She trusted Raven could take care of Anya for a few more minutes.
Never in her life had chocolate and coconut tasted so bland and unfulfilling. Nothing tasted good, but Anya knew it had nothing to do with the food, and everything to do with the storm of emotions rattling in her skull. Try as she might, she couldn't make heads or tails of any particular feeling or any particular thought.
For the first time in her life, everything felt scrambled, and she wasn't sure how to handle it. Maybe if a thought or feeling lasted longer than a fleeting moment before being replaced by another, she could work towards some semblance of clarity, but she couldn't grasp anything long enough.
Her body burned with frustration, and it was only Raven's presence and Clarke's positive prognosis that kept her from imploding, but even then, she felt herself creeping towards some sort of proverbial emotional cliff.
She'd already just barely avoided a complete breakdown earlier with the help of Raven. She didn't want to risk that again, but as she sat in the café, Anya wasn't sure how to avoid it. It all had her on edge and feeling entirely helpless, a feeling she was not at all comfortable with.
Well, the least I can do is avoid having it in a hospital...I need to get out of here... Anya mused to herself as she promptly got to her feet, just as quickly finding Raven's hand at her elbow.
"Where you headed?" Raven asked, no urgency or concern in her voice, just open curiosity shining in her eyes. As if Anya hadn't been at her breaking point a half dozen times since she'd arrived at the hospital.
"Out." Anya noted quietly, grabbing her coat and slipping it on, only to still in place as Raven did the same. "What are you doing?"
"I can't want to spend time with my girlfriend?" Raven asked with a bit too much innocence to be sincere, the woman clearly trying to mix in some of her usual lighthearted humour.
Anya wasn't sure it'd work this time around. "You should stay, for Clarke."
"What'd I tell you earlier? We'll be all over her for the next week, so much that she'll probably get real tired of me. She'll be fine without me for a little while. Besides, Lexa's with her." Raven countered, leaving Anya with very little to work with in terms of material that could dissuade her girlfriend.
It wasn't that she didn't trust Raven. She just didn't want to lose her. It was hard enough to admit to falling in love with Raven, but she'd been so charmed by her, and it hadn't been difficult to tell that the woman had changed her understanding of Anya after Thursday night's events.
Raven was falling for the Anya who was the stable rock for Clarke, for Lexa, for Lincoln. What would happen when Raven realized that she wasn't the angel her girlfriend likened her to? Even she could fall to the earth. When she did, she was rarely graceful in her descent.
The last thing she wanted was to scare her away so early.
"I'm just going for a walk, clear my head." Anya grumbled as she made her way to the exit.
"I liked the last walk we went on." Raven added wryly as she fell in step with Anya. "I won't talk unless you initiate, though. Just know I'm here."
Anya wasn't sure what to think about that, so she just nodded, certain that with Raven being nearly as stubborn as she was, there'd be no talking the woman out of it.
She trudged through the halls of the hospital and out the front exit, into the cool evening air. A warm front had moved in after the blizzard, but it was still cold enough for her to feel the chill seep into her as she shoved her hands into her pockets, having forgotten her gloves back in the car.
Anya knew she couldn't walk off too far, not wanting to be too far away in case of emergency, but she knew the riverway and emerald necklace wasn't far away, and that would prove far more soothing than any of the cold, hard surfaces she'd been surrounded by the past few hours.
It took a mere few minutes to get to the area and find a bench that wasn't too snow encrusted to sit on. Even in the darkness, with just the lampposts to light up the pathways, it was beautiful. Soothing enough for her heartrate to calm slightly, and for that tangle inside of her head to loosen ever so slightly.
Raven sat down directly beside her, thigh to thigh; whether it was out of a desire to keep warm or just to firmly establish her presence, Anya wasn't sure, but she appreciated the closeness. For whatever reason, Raven helped her feel like she was on stable ground, or at least more so than otherwise.
It was Raven leaning ever so slightly against her, and resting her head on Anya's shoulder that had her feeling strong enough to start. Inefficient as it might have been, the beginning seemed like as good a place as any.
"It felt like my heart imploded, when she hit the boards." Anya said, words leaving her all dull and flat, all her emotions still too tangled up to attach to much of anything with any consistency, so she'd just pushed out syllables. Whatever, it was progress. "I couldn't breathe. It was only my refusal to lose my best friend that kept me from feeling the full brunt of the fear."
She felt Raven nod slightly against her shoulder, wrapping an arm around Anya's and nestling in closer. For all Raven's vocalized insecurities about not being good at comforting, she sure was proving herself wrong, given how much safer and calmer she felt from the small bit of affection.
"I've never dealt with anything like this. Heartbreak, yes. Emotional and mental trauma, yes. Grieving loss, yes. I'd...I'd never watched a loved one get brutalized before." Anya continued, feeling the words flowing a little more freely now, even if that burning anger inside of her was still growing bit by bit. "I usually get angry and sad, but this time around...it's been a lot of sad, and my anger's been at the edges, just waiting...and I've been angry before, but I've never felt this."
"It's okay to be angry, Anya." Raven murmured, but Anya could only shake her head, not feeling as if she'd made herself clear.
"Not like this. I'm...fuck, I'm actually kind of...scared, I suppose...because I can usually tap into it and vent, but it's just...I can't get a hold of it. But it's growing and burning like embers in my chest, and I'm still so fucking sad about everything, but I feel like I'm going to blow up any minute, because Clarke doesn't deserve any of this." Anya clarified, hands shaking as she felt a wave of something she couldn't peg down flow through her. She'd consider it tension if not for the feeling that there was a damned black hole forming in her chest, tearing away at everything inside, bit by bit, leaving nothing behind.
Maybe she was scared a little bit. On any other day, she would have denied it, but after all the scares today, it was a little easier to admit.
"We can handle this, Anya. Just like before, let's do some of those breathing exercises you taught me." Raven spoke, the nerves audibly adding a slight tremor to her voice.
Her girlfriend was sweet, but breathing exercises wouldn't do. Not this time. "How can I even breathe knowing Clarke's in that hospital bed in pain? I was supposed to lead my team and control them! Caris was under my watch and I failed Clarke, Raven..."
"It's not your fault, Anya. Clarke said as much." Raven interjected, but Anya could feel everything building inside of her faster than that dense void tearing away in her chest could break it down.
"I let her down! She's my best friend, and I couldn't keep her safe! Now she's got a major head injury, she's in constant pain, and...and she's had such a fucking bad year and she's so scared and sad and..." Anya ranted, shrugging off Raven's attempts to hug her by scrambling to her feet, hand running down her face as everything became clear, like a dagger slicing through her body en route to her brain to sever the tangles. Pain erupted in her chest as a horse sob escaped her. "She doesn't deserve this!"
Raven may have been a quick study the other night, but the woman was staring at her wide eyed and wary. "Anya, I know. And we'll make it right."
"We can't make it right, Raven! How the fuck do we make this right?!" She let out, words erupting out of her as if she was a damned volcano whose fury spent ten thousand years cracking free of its cage. "You heard her!"
Raven stared on initially in confusion before a look of clarity crossed her face. "Anya, angel, we can't do..."
But it was too much. Anya felt it all sloshing inside of her desperate to be freed, and she needed to let go of all the terrifying rage. She managed to grab hold of her phone and pull up her contact list, having stored the number there in case of absolute emergencies, of which this was enough of one.
"Her first word, Raven! How could she do that to Clarke?! How..." Anya raged, voice cracking open at the end there, enough to abandon the unspoken question and focus on dialing Abigail Griffin's number.
It was entirely absurd and irresponsible and wrong and with everything in her head freed up, she found that particular thread was difficult to move on from.
"Anya, Clarke told us she doesn't talk to her mom anymore." Raven noted, but though her words were true, the Clarke back in the hospital room proved those words false. She'd seen the devastation on Clarke's face clear as day when those blue eyes scanned the room and didn't find the one person she cried out for.
"Clarke's her child, Raven! She has no right to...to..." Anya stammered out, only to feel her heart seize as the call went straight to the woman's voicemail after a single ring.
"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible." The message was sterile and impersonal, barely a hint of warmth in the woman's words, leaving Anya wondering what kind of mother Clarke had grown up with even prior to her father's death.
As soon as the tone hit, words started flowing out from her core. "My name is Anya Pine, 617-763-5923, I'm calling from the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center on Brookline, and in case Nyko's calls weren't important enough to answer, your daughter's been hurt and suffered major head trauma, so you'd better be heading out the door or on your way right now or so help me god..."
The sound of the voicemail cutting her message off so quickly stunned Anya, but only for a moment before she let out a growl and dialed again, body vibrating with rage at being cut off, at Clarke's mother's absence, at Clarke being abandoned.
"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."
"I swear to god if you're not here soon, whatever you could have had with Clarke will be over, because there's no coming back from something like this. You've hurt her so much this year, you need to make it right. You're a mother, your children are supposed to come first! There's no way to make up for failing your damn child so fucking badly if you don't get here! And for the goddamn record..."
Anya's eyes clenched shut, her entire body going tense and rigid at the sound of getting cut off again. "What kind of fucking voice mail is set to leave tiny fucking goddamn messages!"
"Anya, come back here, please. Sit with me." Raven pleaded, reaching out with a hand that was so enticing, so utterly seductive, but she needed to be free. Whatever was building was feeling more and more toxic, burning her inside out, and she needed it out of her system.
"I can't...soon, Raven, I promise, trust me. Please just...trust me..." Anya grit out, white knuckling her phone as her eyes shut from the pain rolling through her with every heartbeat. "...and please don't leave me. Please."
The last request slipped out unbidden, and had her feeling like if Raven said the wrong word, she'd burn away into ash right then and there.
Instead, she heard the crunch of snow under boots, and felt arms wrapping around her, a body lightly pressing against her back. "Go off on her, then. I'm not going anywhere."
Just the feeling of Raven holding her gave her that stability again, enough for her to redial Clarke's mom, even if it did nothing to quell her anger.
"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible." Anya heard as she took a shaky breath and took hold of as much of that anger inside, knowing the woman on the other end was wholly deserving of it.
"Clarke is a good person, she doesn't deserve this, and you know it, Abby! You can't hate her for following her dream and loving her dad! Everyone loses someone they love, it's important to grieve, but you don't destroy your daughter in the process! You don't abandon your child!" Anya bit out, ending her call just before the voicemail cut-off time, before dialing again.
"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."
"You left her alone in the world without a parent! Do you know how terrifying that is?! To lose someone like that in your life?! To have to pick yourself up and be an adult when you're still a kid?! To be alone and scared because your world's turned upside down and you have no one to turn to?! And all this responsibility and all these sacrifices..." She felt the tears burning their way up her throat, swelling her face before breaking off down her cheeks like they'd crashed through a levee. She felt the bones from the skeletons long chained in her closet crack open and tear their way up her esophagus, rendering each and every word bloody from the terror and hopelessness etched into them by the nine year old girl she used to be.
She didn't even know she'd dialed again until she heard the message start up again.
"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."
"Fuck your ethics, Abby! Fuck your grief, your daughter's hurt! You don't just get to abandon your child when she needs you most, you're a MOTHER! You're supposed to love and support her! And if Jake Griffin was near the man Clarke told me about, he had to see some good in you! He can't be here for her, but you can!" Anya seethed, ending her call and dialing again quickly, ignoring how her hands were shaking so much she could barely grip her phone, how much effort it took to hold back the chorus of sobs stacking up in her chest.
"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."
Anya hesitated for just a moment, enough for Raven to give her waist a tiny squeeze, transferring enough strength for one last message, nearly all of her anger burned away, only leaving searing pain and devastation in its wake. "Take the next flight. You've failed her for long enough. Get over yourself and make this right, Abby. Clarke deserves better, and she's going to get it, with or without you, but if you don't come now, you'll be hurting her. I won't let you hurt Clarke again. She'll be back at the condo after six tomorrow morning if you come that late. The rest of her family will be waiting."
Anya felt all the strength in her body evaporate as she ended the call, the air around her suddenly suffocating and cold as death, barely letting her take in a strangled breath. Raven slowed her descent and angled them both to a seated position, Anya sideways on her girlfriend's lap, one hand on her back and the other at her midsection.
She waited for the rebuke. She waited for the criticism. She waited for the anger, the yelling, the accusations of her having crossed the line. Hell, Anya knew she'd crossed the line in calling Clarke's mom, but she did what she felt was right. But even that felt hollow as she fought to catch her breath and find some semblance of strength, Raven loosely holding her in place as seconds ticked by.
Each passing second drew Anya further and further inwards, all those old memories and emotions long buried away far too exposed now to just stash away again. She could feel the fear and shame and worthlessness pushing in from the edges of her mind as her teeth sunk into her lip, trying so hard to contain the emotions, but she was so damn tired.
Her eyes closed as the first sob erupted from her, just barely having enough left in her reserves to stem the tide for a few more seconds as she tried to stand again.
"No way, angel, you're staying right here." Raven whispered as she held Anya in place, firmly this time, one arm around her waist, and the other shifting to cradle her head. "You're so strong...you can afford to rest for a bit, 'kay?"
Anya felt bile in her mouth at the assertion. "How can you say that? I'm not...I'm..."
Raven's lips met her cheek, then her temple, before her girlfriend's nose nuzzled at her ear. "Shut up. I don't like feeling vulnerable either, Anya, but you're gonna have to deal. And I'll be here holding you until we can get back to that hospital, because..." Raven's voice drifted off for a moment before her girlfriend let out an annoyed grunt. "...because...fuck, I'm here for you. I'm falling in love with you, too, and I literally can't be anywhere else. I couldn't. We're handling this together. It's not all on you, angel, so let's just...let's rest up."
Raven may not have been the best with words, but she could feel the sincerity in how the woman held her, in how each syllable came out more determined and sure than the next. It'd been so long since anyone had even offered to handle a major crisis alongside her; usually all the responsibility was thrust on her, and she'd long since accepted that.
But there Raven was, not only offering to bear that weight with her, but to hold her up when it got to be too much. Anya was pretty sure it was the utter novelty and newness of having someone to support her in that sense that had her letting go, allowing her body to cry out from all the day's agonies, letting herself curl into Raven and be held as her sorrows flooded out of her.
Even with the cold night air swirling around them, Anya felt warmth slowly budding inside of her amidst the wreckage the day's events had both caused and brought back to the surface. A gentle, thawing heat flowing from her chest outwards to her extremities as Raven pressed fluttering kisses to her head and hair, and while it couldn't make everything alright, and couldn't heal Clarke back to good, it did have Anya feeling more refreshed and ready to face the world again. To take all those responsibilities back on her shoulders again.
Anya wasn't sure how long it was until she felt ready to head back inside, but when she turned her head to face Raven's, the mechanic didn't seem at all impatient or frustrated, instead just watching her closely, likely gauging her for any sign of weariness.
"Are you feeling better?" Raven asked softly, dark eyes never leaving her own.
Anya swallowed hard and cupped the back of Raven's head, pulling her in for a kiss that lingered like the last embers of a campfire, all languid and hazy heat. She felt the slightest spike of rejection when Raven abruptly pulled her head away enough to create distance, but even in the dim light, her girlfriend's cheeks were as red as Rudolf's nose.
"Can we do that in the hospital, instead of out here? Because if we start that here, I'm not sure...anyway, yeah. Just, uh...what was that for?" Raven asked piling a second question onto her first, though the latter had seemed self explanatory.
Anya caressed Raven's cheek as she moved off her girlfriend's lap, pulling the both of them to their feet. "You get my head swarming with all kinds of sappy poetry...and it's either I recite it, or I kiss you."
She watched the puzzled frown transform into as bright as smile as she'd seen Raven direct her way. "Really? I mean, uh, don't get me wrong, I'm all for kissing, but you know, I wouldn't be opposed to some sweet words coming from you."
Anya felt a laugh bubble up inside of her, and allowed it to have its freedom as it rang through the evening air. "At a more appropriate time. We do have a date Wednesday...don't you want to be wooed?"
Raven's laugh was maybe a little unexpected. "You wooed me a long time ago, Anya, but I guess it couldn't hurt to leave some more for later. But just for the record, your hand looks awful heavy, you should let me hold it for you." Raven teased with a grin, shooting off some of her usual humour that, in their current sort of context, always seemed like a distraction from whatever her girlfriend might be feeling.
She'd give Raven all the time necessary to process, and then she'd see what the issue had been later on. Much like she was sure Raven would ask about her outburst when leaving messages for Clarke's mother. For now, she'd concede to the request, offering her girlfriend her hand.
Raven happily took hold of it and led her away from the park and back towards the hospital. Anya wasn't sure what lied in wait for the night ahead, but she was sure she'd face it with Raven at her side. At the moment, that was more than enough.
It had taken a lot of wheedling and emotional manipulation on her and Octavia's part, but eventually, they'd managed to get the green light from the hospital staff to let two visitors stay in Clarke's room overnight, with a third hanging out in the nearby waiting room. Raven had thought it to be a success, even if some others, including her girlfriend, had felt otherwise. After a lot of haggling among the group, they had Lexa and Anya staying in, with Raven out in the waiting room.
Predictably, Anya had demanded to be a sentry outside, just in case any 'trouble' showed up. By trouble, Raven was a hundred percent certain she meant Clarke's mom. However, the woman was exhausted from the day's events, and it was clear to anyone with eyes that Anya needed to be with Clarke, and she knew Clarke would rest easier with Anya around.
Of course, Anya requested they switch out at some point so they could both get some rest, but it was an easy sacrifice to make.
She'd made a quick trip back home for some blankets, stopping off at the doorway to take in the sight. Anya's chair was practically fused to the hospital bed, her girlfriend halfway slumped over and using Clarke's arm as a pillow. On the other side, Lexa had one hand holding Clarke's, and the other holding an e-reader. Clarke herself was fast asleep, some clear discomfort furrowing her brow and curling at her lips.
"How are our girls?" Raven asked quietly as she stepped into the room, alerting Lexa of her presence. In a way, it felt a little like the tables were turned, and they were back in the park where Lexa had interrogated her. Except this time around, she was in the position to ask Lexa about her intentions.
"They're both sleeping well enough. Clarke refused to take pain medication, but aside from that, she's been resting pretty steadily." Lexa answered with a cautious smile.
"Good." Raven noted simply as she took one of her blankets and spread it across Anya's shoulders, taking the second and covering Clarke with it. "So how long have you been holding her hand?"
Raven kept her gaze averted for a moment or two to give Lexa time to control her reaction. She didn't need to see the instincts, she needed whatever rose to the surface. Whatever Lexa was willing to feel. "Since the nurse left an hour ago."
"Mmmh. So I have two things to say before I leave you, since the security here's pretty serious about keeping it to two per room." Raven stated, meeting Lexa's immediately curious, if slightly concerned gaze. "One, listen to Clarke. None of this is your fault, so you'd better not blame yourself and do some typical shit about making it up to her. Let her decide what debts need paying. Don't put her on a pedestal, she won't like that. She's your equal, so listen to her. Trust her. Believe her."
Lexa swallowed hard at that, but between the slight glimmer of understanding in her eyes and the small nod, she figured that she'd at least made her point clear. "And second?"
"When are you gonna ask her out on a date?" Raven asked, barely containing her laughter as Lexa's eyes went big and wide as an owl's, the girl's cheeks flushing red. "I'm serious. She won't be playing hockey or practicing for a few weeks, but it won't take long to get her back doing regular everyday stuff. That's a lot of free time. Don't wait too long, don't take her for granted."
"I..." Lexa began, before swallowing her words, head turning to stare off out the window. "I don't want to screw this up."
Raven could understand that. She'd been faced with a similar dilemma when she'd been crushing on Anya. "It's not going to be perfect. It's just not. But you can take a leap of faith and hope for the best. I mean, you're lucky...you already know she likes you. You already know some things about her. It'll be fine...just plan something simple where you can get to know her better. That's it."
"You make it sound so easy." Lexa mumbled with a shake of her head.
"At least you're not relying on weeks of brief gym visits and one-liners to warm Clarke to you. Trust me, you'll be alright." Raven noted with a wry grin, knowing it'd all been worth it with Anya, but Lexa had a seemingly easier path ahead of her, at least in terms of figuring out how compatible they were. The two had known each other for a while, and Clarke was into Lexa, so in Raven's eyes, that made it pretty simple, even if Lexa had baggage to deal with.
Everyone had baggage. Raven knew that much, and she knew Clarke would help with Lexa's, and had a good feeling that Lexa would help with Clarke's.
"Anyway, I'll be out in the waiting room if you need me." Raven said as she tossed the final blanket at Lexa, the girl scrambling to catch it with her hands already full. Raven just laughed and headed out the door, knowing she probably had a lengthy night ahead of her.
Knowing Clarke would be discharged at six at least gave her something to look forward to, and it was that which helped pass the time, knowing no matter what happened, Clarke would be staying put for a few more hours.
It was around midnight when Anya came out to relieve her, Raven offering her girlfriend a brief kiss and hug before taking her place back at Clarke's bedside. However, thirty minutes later without sleep, she'd made her way back out to the waiting room, taking a seat beside Anya, curling up with her and finding her mind far less active.
Anya's hand rubbing up and down her back was all that was necessary to lull her into sleep despite the noise of the ER.
A/N: H-okay! So this took forever and a day to finish. A did some trimming in the editing phase, leaving some material for a later chapter so as to not make this one so immensely dense. Some of that got trimmed from the Anya POV scene near the end there, which I'll be thankful for when I implement it, because I won't have to go into that mindset so deeply again, at least not pulling those emotions out of me to help guide the dialogue and actions, since a fair bit's been shifted to the future already.
For those worried about a potential lack of hockey, this chapter's events won't keep the number of hockey-related scenes from cropping up with more frequency. We'll be seeing Clarke getting back into shape, doing drills, and whatnot soon enough, and other characters will still keep playing, of course.
BTW, in case anyone's interested, I paraphrased parts of Joe Pavelski's mid-game speech (easy to find on youtube, should be the top result), and Anya's a bit less...scattered and expletive-filled in her delivery here, but hockey players are not known for making well crafted and rousing speeches, haha
Last chapter was the start of the clexa courtship. Lexa's still got some kinks to iron out in terms of her insecurities and guilt, but keep in mind that in this chapter, she's fresh off of having a rush of old fears resurfacing without warning, and she's overwhelmed and not thinking 100% clearly.
Anywho, I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!
