A/N: I never realized just how hard rape is on men before I started researching for this story. Especially in our society where men are supposed to be tougher than tough. If any of you want a preview of what Grissom is going to experience further on in the story do a little research on male rape. Not only will it give you a little insight on our bugman's future in this story it will also give you a little more understanding and compassion towards men who have suffered from being raped. It has for me.
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Chapter Thirteen
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"Morning, Conrad." Jim said as he stopped in the doorway to the other man's office.
"Good morning, Jim." Conrad motioned to the chair on the other side of his desk. "How's he doing?"
"Well… he's awake." Jim said as he sat down.
"That's good news. Do you think he's willing to give a statement?"
"No. He's not ready to relive that yet." The memory of Gil's seizure was still fresh in his mind and there was no way that he would set his friend up for another episode. "How's case going?"
Conrad took a sip of his coffee and set the cup down on the desk.
"We, uh, found a broken digital camera at the scene. It had three different sets of prints on it, two of them belonged to Denalgio and O' Tool and we haven't gotten a hit on the third yet. We also collected three different DNA samples from Gil. Two were Denalgio and O' Tool and we didn't get an exact match on the third but it did have seven alleles in common with a John Shelling. He's lock up. I called about interrogating him, but apparently he was killed by his cell mate two days ago."
"What about the camera? Did you guys find a disk or something?" Jim immediately regretted asking the question when Conrad let out a troubled sigh.
"Yeah, we found a chip."
"What's on the chip?"
"A recording of Denalgio whipping Gil. According to the number of lacerations that Gil actually has we figure it's only the first half of the session. Then Denalgio sees whoever is holding the camera, probably O' Tool, and goes ballistic. So they probably didn't know about the first disc that O' Tool sent you." There was hesitation. "And there was something else."
The lack of color in Conrad's face told Jim more than he really wanted hear. He began to feel sick as he nodded for Conrad to continue.
"O' Tool recorded himself… alone… with Gil." Conrad inhaled a deep breath. "He, um… sexually abused Gil pretty badly in the second video. It was quite humiliating."
Silence filled the room as Jim put his head in his hands. He bitterly thought that he should have greased that little shit when he had the chance.
"Also," Conrad continued as he picked up the file folder. "We did find Gil's DNA all over the scene. The blood on the whip, roach clips, shackles, table, wall and floor were all his. We also found three different places where Gil had… ejaculated."
Jim's head shot up and he leveled a hateful glare on the bald man behind the desk.
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Al Robbins was shocked. The color had drained from his face as he sat in stunned silence in Doctor Diller's office with he and Jim. Like everyone else at the lab he knew that Gil had been kidnapped. He had even been to see him twice, despite the fact that he was still unconscious and unable to communicate. At that point he knew that it was more for Sara and the rest of the gang than it was for Gil, although he did believe the positive energy of people coming to wish him well could speed his recovery.
Now as he sat and listened to Jim tell the details and nature of Gil's abuse he could only shake his head in disgust. When Jim finished giving all of the gruesome details, with Diller's help, silence filled the room.
"Goddamn them." Al finally growled as he pounded his cane on the floor. "Did you catch the guys?"
He looked at Jim expectantly and Jim sighed.
"One dead, one in jail and the third man got away."
"I hope you've posted a guard."
"Yes." Jim simply replied.
"What is it that you need me to do?" Al turned to Diller and waited for a response.
"Mister Grissom refuses to let me near him. We thought that, perhaps, he would be more willing if there was a physician present that he was more familiar with and already trusted."
Al thought this over for a moment and then nodded his head.
"When do we start?"
"Well, the sooner the better. I really need to check his wounds and stitches."
"Let's do it now then."
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Sara had not been allowed to leave Gil's side. When she attempted to leave when he was awake his grip on her hand increased to the point that she thought it would break. It had gotten very bad the day before when he had fallen asleep and she had gone to use the toilet. After she finished, she walked out of the adjoining bathroom and he was frantic. He was sitting up and looking terrified as tears streamed down his face. She had run to his side and pulled him into a hug. He buried himself into her embrace and sobbed uncontrollably while she tightly held his shaking form.
"Shhh, it's alright." She soothed as she gently ran her fingers through his hair. "I'm here."
"P-p-please d-don't l-l-leave m-me." His stuttering voice begged.
"Hey," She lifted his chin, but his eyes remained downcast. It troubled her that he still wouldn't look at her of his own accord but she was resolved to not stop trying. "Look at me, Gil" She gently urged.
When he reluctantly looked up at her she cupped his face with her hands.
"I will never leave you, Gil. Do you understand?"
Words were impossible so he nodded his head.
"No matter what you may think you have done, I will never leave you." She looked deep into his eyes, as if it connected their souls. "That is my promise."
The repetitiveness would surely become annoying, but it would be a small price to pay as he would need constant reassurance for a long time coming.
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Although Gil was much more comfortable with Jim now, Jim decided that it might cause him too much anxiety to have three men in the room and went outside to make a few phone calls instead. Al and Doctor Diller calmly and quietly entered the room and shut the door behind them.
Al approached him first, but stayed at the foot of the bed and kept his hands where they could be seen.
"Good morning, Gil." He smiled with genuine warmth.
Gil looked up at him and smiled. Although he did look away he held his eye contact a little longer this time.
"Hi, A-Al."
"How are you feeling today?"
"B-b-bet-better."
The stuttering concerned Al but he knew it was a side-effect of his injuries and didn't let it show.
"You've met Doctor Diller." Al motioned to Diller, who took an unassuming step forward.
Gil looked fearfully between the two men and tensed. Diller took a step back and Gil calmed a little.
"Gil, Doctor Diller is here to help you and he won't hurt you." Al tried to reassure. "He needs to examine your wounds, Gil, to be sure that they are on the proper mend. Will you let him?"
Gil didn't even want the guy in same room, much less touching him, and he shook his head as he kept his eyes on his and Sara's joined hands.
"What if I stay in here with you?" Al offered. "Then would you?"
Gil shook his head more adamantly this time. Al looked from Sara to Diller, who gave him the cue to go to plan 'B'.
"Gil, what if I did the exam? Would that be okay?"
Gil considered it for a long moment. He still didn't want Al to see what had happened to him but he was sure, or so he hoped, that he could trust Al. He also knew that if he didn't cooperate than they would never let him leave the hospital. He reluctantly nodded his head and took a deep breath in an attempt to gain a little courage.
"C-c-can S-s-sara st-st-stay?" He looked at Al with pleading eyes then quickly looked away.
"That doesn't bother me. Is that okay with you, Doctor Diller?"
"Of course, Gil." Doctor Diller said, making sure that he stayed in a neutral location. "We want you to feel comfortable. Remember, you have nothing to fear from us. We want you to get healthy."
"He has t-to st-st-stay?" Gil asked Al.
"Yes, Gil. He's the attending doctor and I don't have faculties at the hospital," Al explained. "But he's allowing me to examine you."
Gil looked at Sara. She recognized the fear in his eyes and whispered in his ear.
"Do you remember what I said yesterday?"
Gil smiled sheepishly at the memory and nodded his head.
"N-n-never l-l-leave m-me."
"That's right." She smiled and kissed him on top of his head.
He still didn't feel comfortable when Sara touched him, other than holding his hand, but he tried very hard not let it show.
"Okay, let's begin." Al said.
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Al decided the best way to proceed was head to toe. It would give Gil some time to adjust to the feeling of being pawed over before the exam reached the more intimate stages. He and Sara helped Gil to sit up in the bed to give him easier access and he started with the crack on the back of his head.
The semi-circular patch that had been shaved around the skull fracture was already showing tiny stubbles of hair growing back in. The four staples holding him together looked irritating and he was sure that the inevitable itching bugged the hell out of his friend.
"How do theses staples feel, Gil?"
"An-n-noying."
Al smirked at Sara.
"Do they itch?" Al asked, receiving a nod from Gil , who proceeded to subconsciously try to scratch at them.
"You know better than that, Gil." Al corrected as he gently pushed the mans hand away. "You'll make it worse if you scratch them."
He carefully examined Gil's damaged cheek and was pleased to see that it was healing quite nicely compared to the photos that he had been shown by Doctor Diller. The swelling was gone and the deep gash looked like nothing more than a bad scratch.
"That bruise is looking a lot better." Al commented.
Gil covered his cheek with his hand and reddened slightly as he remembered the degrading fashion in which he had gotten the bruise.
He had Gil raise each arm and carefully examined the spots where his flesh had been ripped off, piece by agonizing piece. Although still raw, portions were beginning to scab an none looked infected under their non-stick pads.
Al moved down to look at his chest and stomach. He gently prodded the area around the stitched lacerations, causing Gil to cringe. He did the same with the bruising on his left side and Gil gritted his teeth against the whimper edging its way out of his throat. Then Al slowly moved around the right side of his body being thorough with his examination of each wound. When he was satisfied he straightened back up and said with a smile.
"Well, Gil, your top half is healing well." Then he added in a more quiet tone. "Now, I need you to lie on you back and spread you legs, ok?"
Gil's cheeks burned with embarrassment as Sara helped him to lie back down and he nervously spread his legs. The sheet had gotten in Al's way and he moved it back, completely exposing Gil. With Sara's help he carefully removed the knee brace and examined the injured joint. When he was satisfied they replaced the brace and he moved up Gil's leg. Hot tears stung Gil's eyes as he felt Doc Robbins' fingers on his inner thighs. Suddenly a memory of standing opposite of Al with a cold, steel slab between them flashed in his mind. At that moment he wished he was one of those corpses on Al's slabs. At least he wouldn't feel the humiliation.
The feeling only increased when, lastly, Al had him roll back onto his left side and gently parted his cheeks before probing his rectum with his finger. He squeezed his eyes shut and Sara tightened her grip on his hand when it began to shake.
Gil tried to be strong. He wanted to be the man that Sara deserved. The man that he thought he once was, but he knew it was impossible.
I'm no man. He thought hatefully. I'm laying here, quivering like a baby and too damned scared to let go of her hand. She'll never want me now
"I'm no man." Gil believed that he had said those words to himself, but they came softly out of his mouth. Sara heard them-three words that resonated how much emotional pain he felt. Her only response was to grip his hand a little tighter.
Gil swallowed hard and drew in long, shaky breaths through his nose.
Even after Al had announced the completion of his exam and pulled the sheet and blanket back down to cover his friend Gil still didn't open his eyes, but he pulled his hand away from Sara's and curled into himself. Sara looked up at Al and they exchanged concerned looks.
"Gil?"
She put her face down in front of Gil's and soothingly rubbed his arm. He held himself a little tighter and turned his face towards the pillow.
"P-p-please l-leave m-me al-lone." His stuttering voice was muffled.
Al had taken a step back, but went back to Gil's bedside.
"Gil…you're doing better. And you're going to get stronger."
"G-g-go aw-way!" He said bitterly. "All-all of y-you g-g-go aw-way!"
Sara was hurt and it showed on her face when she sat up and looked at Al. He shook his head. Al was about to leave but stopped and tapped his cane thoughtfully on the floor.
"Doctor Diller? Sara? Would you give us a minute, please?"
Doctor Diller nodded and motioned for Sara to follow him out of the room. She hesitated.
"Gil?" Sara knew she had to let him decide if he wanted her to leave. "Do you want me to leave?"
"I j-j-just w-want all-all-all of y-you-you t-to g-g-go aw-away!"
"Okay." Sara said with a concerned and let Doctor Diller lead her out of the room.
"Y-y-you t-t-too A-al."
Instead of leaving or verbally responding Al pulled a chair back up to Gil's bedside. He made sure to make enough noise so that Gil knew what he was doing.
Al sat in the chair, waiting for any acknowledgement from him. Gil turned his face back around, but he only stared into space and didn't look at Al.
"I can never understand your pain, Gil." Al said to break the silence. "But I do understand the feeling of loss. The feeling of being transformed into someone that you never imagined you would become."
Gil tensed. No, you can't understand. I did this to myself. Gil thought. He stayed silent and simply stayed in a cocoon in his own mind.
Al knew that Gil would never meet his eyes or respond, but he still felt the need to try.
"I know, Gil. I know each day is a trial."
You legs… you didn't do that to yourself. I did this to myself. Gil thought bitterly.
"Gil… please listen to me." Al said with concern and resilience. "Don't let your memories make you believe that you aren't strong enough for each trial. You are."
I did this to myself. The single thought floated in his head, over and over again.
Al patted Gil on the shoulder and stood to leave.
"I'll see you in a couple of days. I'm going to tell Sara to come back inside."
Gil nodded but didn't move otherwise and Al made his way to the door. What Gil didn't know was that the older man could feel that Gil had turned his head to watch the doctor exit.
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Jim was just coming back from making his phone calls when Al emerged from the room and joined the other two. His brow creased with confusion upon seeing Sara with the two doctors and not in her usual place at Gil's bedside. He told the officer to take a break so their conversation could remain private.
"What are you doing out here?" He asked Sara.
"He told me to go away." She quietly replied.
"He what?" Jim wasn't sure he believed her.
"He told us all to leave him alone and go away."
Jim looked between the two doctors, hoping for clarification on his friends sudden mood swing.
"This is a natural response from a rape victim, especially a male victim." Al solemnly explained. "Gil obviously feels ashamed of himself and probably blames himself for what happened."
"But they had his hands tied behind his back." Jim argued as his volume went up a little. "They forced that…thing in his mouth and he couldn't fight back."
Al put up his hand to stop Jim's rant.
"Jim, what you guys saw on that disc was the truth. They forced him into those sex acts, but in his mind he probably believes that it was his fault because he was unable to fight back."
"And he rejected me because he doesn't think that he's a man anymore?" Sara asked, trying to out the pieces together.
"That's possible." Diller added. "Most rape victims lose all self-respect after the act. They feel ashamed or humiliated, especially men. Because in our society they're supposed to be strong enough to be able to defend themselves. Also, if Mister Grissom got an erection, or even ejaculated, during the act than he may be confused and think that he wanted the act to happen or even enjoyed it.
Jim let out a sigh as he shook his head.
"I wondered… why Denalgio reached down on him during the rape."
"In a study done by Groth and Burgess," Al picked up. "Many attackers try to get their victims to ejaculate in order to increase the victims' feelings of shame and degradation. It also tends to confuse the victim into thinking that it means they enjoyed it, and for heterosexual men it may make them believe that it means they are gay when, in fact, it's just the natural response of pressure being put on the prostate."
As the four of them stood there, letting this new information settle in, not one of them noticed that they had not latched the door. It stood open just an inch, but it was enough too let their entire conversation drift to Gil's ears. Although, after hearing that Jim and Sara had seen what had happened the rest of the conversation was lost to him.
Not only did they know what he had done, they had watched him do it. They had watched him not fight back. They had watched him willingly take every thrust into his body. The woman he loved had watched him give himself to Shelling as he swallowed every drop of the mans seed.
He buried his face back into the pillow and soaked it with his bitter tears as his body was wracked by hard sobs. His self-hatred grew in his darkened soul and he wished that Shelling had ended his life in that room.
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A/N: You guys are definitely going to need illumination devices. It is about to get really dark in here.
I have been hurdled over the 100 mark by your reviews. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
By the way, does anyone know if Grissom ever got his Komodo Dragon??? Peace out. -Esther
