A/N: The thought has occurred to me that some of you may have found the intended humor in my AN's to be bit distasteful. It was not my intention and I hope that no one was offended.

Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics to Better Man by Steven Seagal. (Yes, that Steven Seagal)

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Chapter Nineteen

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If only I had said all the right words

That I needed to say

I probably wouldn't feel this way,

Some are born

On the wrong side of the moon

Girl it's killing me

To keep hurting you

So I'm writing it down in a letter

And I'm hoping that you'll understand

I know, girl, that you can do better

And it's out of my hands

So go on, girl, find you a better man

Yeah Better Man

Well, a woman like you

Is so hard to find

But to stay here with me

Is throwing pearls to the swine

Why I did you like that

Girl, I can't even say

But I hope, in your heart,

You forgive me someday

And I know it's gonna be lonely

But I know you'll do the best that you can

With me you'll only end up losing

And that wasn't my plan

So go on, girl, find you a better man

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Gil centered all of his attention on steadying his shaking right hand as he raised the heavy-feeling handgun to his right temple. He squeezed his eyes shut as the voices continued to deafen him. His whole arm shook as it tensed to pull the trigger. Every voice seemed to scream at him to do it and he wanted to. He very much wanted to silence the voices and stop the nightmares. Just as he thought he could do it one voice stood out over all the rest.

"Gil," she called to him. "Don't do this."

He opened his eyes and in the darkness that clouded his mind she stood before him like an angel of mercy and the voices picked up again, like a dark chorus trying to drown hers out.

"G-G-Go aw-way." His own voice shook as he pressed the weapon deeper into the thin flesh on the side of his skull.

"No, Gil." Sara said firmly as she took a step forward. "I made you a promise." His eyes were drawn up to meet hers and he held her stare.

"I c-c-can't st-st-stand th-the v-voices an-nym-more." Tears began to fall from his eyes.

"Than listen to my voice." She reasoned. "I love you, Gil, nothing will ever change that. We all love you and we want to help you, baby, but you have to let us in." It was taking every ounce of strength left in her to remain calm, but her words seemed to have changed something in Gil. He hesitated and pulled back a little.

"B-B-But m-my d-d-dreams." He said, uncertainly.

"They're just dreams, Gil." Sara said as she began to realize why Gil had been acting the way he had when he was around them. "I don't know what you have been seeing in your dreams, but that's all they are, baby, they're just dreams." She took another step forward. "Don't you trust me?" Another step.

It was a question that had never occurred to him. Did he trust her? He always had before, why was now so different? She had called him a whore and spit in his face, like the others. But these were just dreams. He hadn't realized it but the more he reasoned in his mind the more the voices quieted.

When he felt her hand on his he looked up and met her gaze again. Her teary eyes matched his as she gently but firmly held his hand that held the handgun.

"Listen to me, Gil," she felt her own hand begin to shake. "I love you and nothing will ever change that."

Slowly she pushed his hand down until the gun was no longer aimed at his head and his grip loosened as she gently pulled the weapon from his hand. She pulled him into her embrace and held him tightly as they were both overwhelmed by emotion and their eyes were flooded with tears of relief.

Warrick had come to a grinding halt when he saw them on the other side of the glass door. When he saw the gun pointed at Gil's temple his heart was seized with fear, but he felt relief wash over him when he finally saw Sara gently push the gun down then take it from their friend. He quietly stepped through the door and patiently waited for them to calm.

After several moments he stepped up beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. She looked at him and he saw the anger in her eyes. When they had both calmed she and Warrick helped Gil back inside.

Once inside Hank circled nervously around their legs as they walked Gil to the couch in the living room. The boxer whined. He didn't like the tension that he felt between his humans and their friend.

It made him uneasy, but more so there was something different about his dad. He didn't know what it was, but his dad, who was usually easy going and laid back felt tense and… smelled of death.

Hank whined as he looked up at Sara and sat on the floor next to the couch where Gil now lay on his left side. He whined again and laid his head down on the cushion next to Gil's hand and licked the appendage, but received no response so he sat there, contented to watch over his dad.

When they had settled him onto the couch Sara and Warrick stepped into the kitchen. He knew she was angry and he didn't blame her. He had screwed up and almost gotten his closest friend, her boyfriend, killed.

"Sara, I'm so sorry, I-" Warrick began but stopped when Sara held up her hand.

"Don't. Just… don't." She took a moment to compose herself and quell the anger brewing inside of her. "No one could rightfully blame you for falling asleep. You've been pulling extra shifts to cover for us. What matters is that he's safe now."

Warrick was grateful to have her forgiveness, but was not that quick to forgive himself. He was angry that he could have allowed this to happen. Hating himself would help no one but he resolved two things as he walked back into the living room. First that he would be more mindful when he was around Gil. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice and two, that he would channel that anger and new self-loathing into his desire for revenge.

When she was alone in the kitchen Sara pulled out her cell phone and speed dialed Jim's number.

"Brass."

"Jim, it's Sara."

"Hi, Sara, what's wrong?" He knew immediately by the tone of her voice that something had happened.

"I need you to come home, Jim." Sara swallowed against the lump in her throat. "Gil… Gil tried… Gil tried to kill himself." There was dead silence on the other end of the line as Jim blanched.

"Did he…?"

"No, he's on the couch now but… oh god, Jim, I need you to come home." Her voice broke.

"Is Warrick still there?"

"Yeah." She whispered.

"Okay," Jim was breathing again. "Keep an eye on him, I'll be there as soon as I can."

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Jim was true to his word. He traveled with sirens and lights to get through the three red lights and four stop signs before reaching Gil and Sara's townhouse. Sara met him as he burst through the front door, pale faced and out of breath.

"Where is he?" His voice was full of panic.

"He's okay," she held up her hands and he stopped. "He's in the living room and Warrick's with him."

He followed her to the kitchen but stopped at the doorway to the living room and looked in to see Gil lying on the couch and Warrick sitting stiffly in the arm chair. Hank looked up at him when he smelled Jim's scent, but showed little interest and put his head back down next to his dad's hand.

Once in the kitchen she told him everything that had happened since Gil awoke. When she was done talking she was grateful that he pulled her into a hug and held her tight as she was once again flooded with tears of relief.

As they both calmed down Warrick stepped into the kitchen. Jim didn't miss the look of failure in the younger man's eyes and decided if Sara could forgive Warrick than he had to forgive the young man too. There was silence for a long moment before Sara finally spoke up.

"Gil still needs new bandages from the drug store."

"I'll get them," Warrick volunteered eagerly. "I'll drop them off on my way to the lab, I told Cath I'd be in early."

After Warrick left Jim quietly went into the living room and pulled a chair up next to the couch and sat down in front of Gil. Gil didn't look up at him. He continued to stare at the spot on the wall that he had been intently studying for the last half hour, but after a moment he spoke.

"G-Go ahead, s-say it."

"What is that you think I'm going to say, Gil?"

"Th-That you're m-mad at m-me… th-that you're d-d-disap-p-pointed in m-me… th-that you th-think I'm st-stupid."

Jim looked down at the floor and let out a long sigh. He didn't know what to say. Under different circumstances he might have agreed with every word that Gil had said, but this… this was different.

"No, Gil. I can't say those things. For me to say those things would mean that I know what you're going through and I don't, Gil. I can't know what you're going through until you tell me. I am a little disappointed that you don't trust us, but… after what you've been through I don't hold that against you."

He reached out and put his hand on Gil's shoulder. Gil flinched but looked up at Jim when Jim asked him to.

"I don't think you're stupid either. I think you're terrified and lost, Gil, and I think you saw death as the only way out. But you're wrong, Gil. Let us help you."

Gil was silent.

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Sara had been concerned about sleeping with Gil. She had not wanted to make him feel uncomfortable, but she also didn't want him getting up in the night by himself and there was no way now that she was going to leave him alone.

After changing his bandages and giving him his pills Sara and Jim helped him into bed. Jim said good night and headed downstairs to the guest room. Sara quietly climbed into her side of the bed and moved a little closer to Gil. She was not surprised when he hugged the edge of the bed.

She was awoke from her sleep a few hours later. She had moved closer to Gil in her sleep and he had woken her. As Gil dreamt, he whimpered and his body began to twitch. Sara stayed still and listened for a moment but when his actions intensified she gently wrapped her arm around his chest and spooned him.

"Gil…" she called softly. "Gil, wake up." He jumped awake and she soothingly caressed his face. "Shhh, it's okay, it's okay."

"S-S-Sara?" He whimpered her name like a terrified child.

"Yeah, it's me, baby," she moved her hand up and gently ran her fingers through his soft curls, hoping it would have the same relaxing effect it had the time before. "It's okay, you're safe."

When he had calmed back down and laid his head back down on the pillow she backed away a little and gave him the space that she thought he wanted. After several minutes she heard his voice in the dark.

"S-S-Sara?" He asked reluctantly.

"Yes?" She turned to look at him but he remained quiet for a long moment.

"W-Would… w-would y-you hold m-me?"

She recognized his fear and reluctance but her answer was one of compassion and love. "I'd like that." She spooned up behind him and cradled him with one arm under his head and her other arm around his middle. She hugged him close.

Sara felt surprised and relieved that he had finally let her this close. She missed cuddling with him and she gently nuzzled her face into the back of his neck.

"Thank you, Gil." Sara whispered as a contented smile graced her lips.

Had he heard her right? "W-What?"

"Thank you for letting me hold you. I've needed this since they took you."

Gil was taken aback, he had needed her in that moment but he had not realized just how much she needed him. His spirits lifted a little when he realized that he could help her.

He laid his shaking arm on top of hers. Sara didn't move but Gil smiled a little when he heard her quiet gasp of surprise. Gil pushed away the feelings of discomfort as he interlaced his fingers with hers.

"G-G-Good n-night, S-S-Sara."

"Good night, Gil, I love you."

'I l-love you t-t-too." He replied after a pause.

Sara was almost shocked to hear those four words come from his mouth. She had begun to wonder if he might never say that to her again. She held him a little tighter and fell back asleep with a smile on her face.

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Sara was awoken by the beeping alarm on her nightstand. She reached over and grudgingly shut the damned thing off. When she rolled onto her back she realized that she was back on her side of the bed.

Sara rolled over and looked at Gil. He lay on his back, hugging the edge of the bed, and stared up at the ceiling. The look in his eyes was distant. His eyes were dark and bloodshot, evidence of his regular lack of sleep.

"Good morning." Sara smiled as she propped herself up on her elbow. Her voice startled him and he looked at her then quickly looked away. "Gil," she gently took his chin and turned his face back to look at her. "Why won't you look at me?"

He brought his hand up and covered his bruised, right cheek. "I'm s-s-sorry." His voice was hoarse from lack of use.

"I don't want you to be sorry, honey, I just want to know why you won't look at me anymore."

He looked her in the eye and almost had to force himself to maintain the invisible contact. "I d-do w-want t-to l-look at you, I j-j-just…" he looked away again and she waited for him to continue. "I d-don't w-want you t-to hit m-me."

"What?" Sara was shocked to hear those words. She never would have imagined that would be his reason. Then it dawned on her. "Is that what they did? Did they slap you in the face when you looked them in the eye?"

He slowly nodded his head and she gently moved his hand and pressed soft kisses to the darkened flesh of his cheek. When she had kissed a map around the bruise she kissed away the tear that had formed in the corner of his eye. She sat up enough so that her face hovered just over his and she gently cupped his face with her hands.

"Gil, you never have to fear that I will slap you for looking at me. None of us will. Not Jim or Nick or Warrick or Catherine or Greg. None of us are ever going to abuse you, do you understand?'

"Yes." More tears came as relief washed over him.

But the good feelings of relief were soon replaced by bad feelings of anger. He became angry for not trusting them in the first place. Angry for assuming they were like the ones that had kidnapped him but it felt like a good moment for Sara and he bottled up his feelings so he wouldn't ruin it for her.

"Now, let's get ready for the day." She smiled and changed to a cheerful tone as she climbed out of bed.

She and Jim helped him into the bathroom to relieve himself. Jim left them to go make coffee and Sara said she would call him when they were done. Gil felt a little better this morning and he told her so. He was still a long ways from being able to get around on his own but he wasn't dizzy this morning and it felt like a marked improvement.

She wet a washcloth and helped him wash up. It was when they got to his lower extremities that she first noticed the bruise on his right thigh. It looked fresh and it looked painful. He hadn't had it in the hospital and she wondered when he had gotten it.

"Gil," she lightly touched the tender flesh. "How did you get this bruise?"

He looked at his leg then raised his eyes to meet hers. He didn't want to talk about it so he changed the subject.

"C-C-Can I have m-my p-p-pills?"

Sara didn't like that he was avoiding the question like he was guilty of doing something wrong and she had her suspicions as to where he had gotten the bruise from, but she let it drop for now.

Jim had made them all eggs and toast for breakfast. It continually frustrated Gil that Sara had to hold his hand when he ate. He wanted to push her hand away and do it himself, but he knew that he would only make a mess and embarrass himself even more. So once again he stamped down his anger and frustration and let Sara help him.

At his appointment with Doctor Kitts Gil became silent. His stuttering continually embarrassed him and he felt that it was bad enough that Sara and Jim had to hear it, much less outsiders.

They discussed his recent seizure and Sara gave all the painful and embarrassing details. He didn't want them talking about it, he didn't want to hear a recap of the most embarrassing moment of his life. The doctor had decided that the best thing to do would be to up his seizure medication. He didn't want that either, but he remained silent and locked his feelings inside.

By the time they left Doctor Kitts it was about noon and Jim and Sara were getting hungry. Gil could still care less if he ate or not as the smell of food only increased his nausea, but he went along and stamped down his annoyance at her insistence that he eat something. They grabbed a quick lunch at a drive through and headed in the direction of Stacey Tolliver's office.

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A/N: Sorry it has taken so long for this one, but my brother is home on leave and the weekend was nuts.