A/N: Wow. Two postings in one night. I think that I just broke a personal record. I was not going to post this for a couple of days but I think I seriously underestimated the power of the end of 26 and the reviews that I have gotten so far have been very powerful. I want you all to know that that scene was not one that was taken lightly. It took me a month of discussion and deliberation before I finally got it right, and decided to keep it in.
I want to thank JellyBeanChiChi for doing on awesome beta job and her and sidle77 for being great collaborators. I also want to thank all of my readers who have stuck with me through all of this hardship.
WARNING: This chapter is sexually graphic and should not be viewed by minors.
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Chapter Twenty-Seven
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"Gil, what's wrong?" Sara's hands cupped his face as she looked up into his eyes. "Gil! Look at me! What is it?"
Gil gasped as reality came back to him and he realized that it had been another dark fantasy and that Sara lay beneath him, safe but concerned. Gil closed his eyes for a moment before pushing himself off of her and sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Gil. Don't close up. What is it? What are you thinking about?"
"I c-can't do this." He closed his eyes as tears threatened to fall. "I need to get out of here."
Gil got up off the bed a bit unsteady, but he recovered quickly and grabbed a pair of khaki pants and a polo shirt. The actions made Sara not only uneasy, but upset.
"What are you doing? Why are you getting dressed?"
Sara could see Gil shaking as he turned to her. His eyes reflected a mixture of rage and shame. "Didn't you see w-what I did to Nick? W-What if that was you?"
"It wasn't me!" Sara screamed. "You had a nightmare, Gil. You woke up completely disoriented. You're reliving insufferable moments and you're going to lash out. We just have to deal with that."
"AND W-WHAT AB-BOUT W-WHEN I'M AW-WAKE? W-WHAT AB-BOUT THEN, SARA?" Grissom screamed at her. She became a bit unnerved as he approached her on the bed. "I almost... g-goddamnit!"
"You almost what?"
"Nothing... nothing," Gil turned back around and sought out a bag. He began to try and fill it up with shirts, underwear, socks and pants.
Sara got up and grabbed the bag out of his hand. "You almost what, Gil?"
"Nothing. I just g-got to get out of here." He forcefully pulled the bag from Sara's grasp, turned his back and walked away.
"GIL! STOP!"
Gil jumped upon hearing Sara say those words. It was not pleading. It was fierce. And it forced him to stop and turn around.
"You are not going to do this, Gil Grissom. You are not going to let them do this to us and walk out that door."
Gil swallowed the lump in his throat. He wasn't doing this to anger or hurt Sara. He was doing it to save her. "Sara... I don't w-want to hurt you... I don't know w-what I'm capable of..."
Sara took a steady step towards him. Her voice still clear and challenging. "Do you want to hurt me?"
"NO! G-God... n-never."
"You think you leaving me won't hurt me? You're afraid you might hurt me, but you think disappearing will make it better?"
Sara took another step towards Gil, who still stayed rooted in the same spot as when she said stop. "Gil, you keep questioning whether you are a coward, and you aren't. Please don't act like one now. If you trust me, if you truly trust that our relationship is worth it, then fight dammit! For us." Her tears flowed, yet Sara's resolve held true. "I'm willing to fight for this relationship, but no matter what, I am not willing to watch you walk out that door and out of my life."
Gil looked at her and in a soft voice said, "I trust you. I trust you w-with everything. But I almost ... I almost hurt you."
Sara took a breath. "When you were fighting with Nick, did you know it was Nick?"
Gil shook his head. "No."
"And when we were making love, did you want to hurt me or were you thinking of someone else?"
He took deep breath as the vision of what he did to her in his mind returned. He decided that he had to be honest with her, their relationship wouldn't work if he wasn't. "He… he called me…" Gil took another deep breath and struggled to continue. "He called me a faggot. He…"
Sara quietly waited as Gil tried choke back his tears but sobbed for his efforts. She gently guided him back to the bed where they sat side by side. She continued to soothingly rub his neck and shoulders as she bit back her own tears, and the rage she felt towards the ones who had damaged him so badly. Sara only knew some details of what Michael O'Tool had done to her love. But she understood she would only know what Gil was willing to share. So she quietly listened as he spilled his heart out to her.
"He chained me to the w-wall…" Gil shook his head slowly. "I c-couldn't do anything. I c-couldn't stop him. I tried to fight him, I tried not to b-beg w-when he pressed his foot down on my… my… but it was just too much… After I did w-what he told me to do he…" Gil's tone became bitter and angry as he rubbed his right thigh with his hand and began to rock back and forth. "He fucked me with a dildo!" Gil began to pound his thigh with his fist as his tears flowed down his cheeks. "And I fucking came! Right in his fucking hand!"
Sara wrapped her arms around his shoulders pulling him close. Gil covered his face with his hands as his sobs wracked both of their bodies. Sara rubbed her hand over his bare chest as she whispered in his ear.
"It's okay," Her own tears fell onto his shoulder. "I'm here for you, Gil, and I won't leave you."
When Gil had become somewhat calm he continued, and Sara quietly listened. "He told me that I liked it and that I w-was a faggot. And… I…" Gil took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. "I'm afraid that he may have been right."
"Why would you think that?" Sara asked as she shifted around to look him in the eye.
"Every time they raped me I got hard, and I came hard. I ... I didn't enjoy it, but it was like a relief... I don't know... But now I can't come w-when I make love to you."
Sara took his chin and gently pulled his head around to look at her while she leaned forward a little more. "Listen to me, Gil, what those animals did to you while you couldn't defend yourself was not your fault. And when you got an erection and ejaculated that wasn't your fault either. It was your body's natural response to what those sons-of-bitches did to you. If you had been in control of your body than I know it wouldn't have happened, but there are just some things that we can't control." Gil slowly nodded his head. "That doesn't make you gay, Gil, that makes you a man. A normal man."
"But I'm still afraid that I might hurt you."
"Why would you do that?"
"I feel so much anger, Sara. I've never felt rage like this," Gil said, his voice filled with pain. "I've been thinking about how I want them to feel that pain and that shame. And I see myself doing it to them. Doing horrible things to them." He brought a shaking hand to cover his face, but she instead took his hands and held them in her lap. "It's these fantasies. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about them."
"Do you want to talk about them."
"NO! I w-want to forget them, but I can't. And w-when I try to make love to you…" Gil dropped his head and couldn't continue, but Sara put the pieces together. "That's what I saw when I looked into your eyes. I panicked. It was like he was there, and I almost did to you what I've thought about doing to him."
Sara held him in a tight embrace. They both quietly sobbed. So much had been spoken between them they just needed to find comfort in each other.
And trust. Which Sara felt she found again in the arms of a shattered, but healing Gil Grissom.
She gently stroked his head as he calmed. She broke the silence with a question she was almost afraid to ask. "Do you still feel like you have to leave?"
Gil sat up and faced her with his arms around her waist. "I don't w-want to leave you. ..."
"I trust you." Her words came out fast, but they felt right to Sara. "I do, Gil. You want to get through this and I trust you will do what you need to to get through it."
She is so strong, he thought. "I w-will, Sara. I have to. And I w-will."
"What if we try again, but I stay on top and I promise not to stop looking at you. Would that help?"
Gil was reluctant. He was too scared to chance it, but he saw that Sara not only was willing to risk her own safety but that she was trusting him when he didn't even trust himself. What he didn't realize was that Sara was more than just trying to trust him, she was pouring all of her strength into trusting him after his admission. Reluctantly Gil nodded.
Sara took her time to undress him. As promised she never took her eyes off of him. Once his shirt and pants were divested, Sara smiled and guided him to lie down on his back and she carefully straddled his hips. Gil's whole body was tense and Sara recognized the look of apprehension in his eyes. She leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips. Gil was breathing hard and his hands were clenched in fists at his sides. Sara broke the kiss and let her face hover over his.
"It's okay, Gil, I know you won't hurt me. You love me far too much for that."
The gentle smile that met her eyes soothed him some and he began to relax as she started kissing him again. She broke the kiss and smiled down at him before kissing the tip of his nose. Then she pressed soft kisses on his eyes, and then his chin, and then his Adam's apple. She looked back up at him and caressed his face with her hand.
"I love you, Gil Grissom, my protector, my white knight." She kissed him again before he could speak.
Sara kissed her way down his chest and imitated the attention that he had shown her. She circled his nipple with the tip of her tongue then kissed her way across his chest and repeated the action with his other nipple. His breathing quickened as she continued her path and kissed her way down his stomach. She kissed his belly button and when she reached his lower belly she pressed kisses across the tender skin.
The sensation recalled the memory of when Shelling had run his hand down Gil's bare chest and stomach, holding it on Gil's lower belly. Gil remembered the fear he felt at the thought that Shelling was going to grab his shaft. Sara saw the change of expression in his eyes.
She leaned forward and carefully rested her weight on top of him as she kissed his lips again. "It's just you and me here. They can't hurt you." Gil started to relax again as his trust in her was renewed.
When Sara was sure that Gil was okay again she went back to kissing his body, but skipped his lower belly this time. She took her time to worship his beautiful body with her kisses but didn't go any lower when she reached his thighs. She kissed the insides of his thighs and tenderly kissed the scarred flesh where his skin had been torn away. Surprisingly Gil felt comforted by her actions. The scars were a grotesque reminder to him, but to Sara they were so much more. They were lasting marks of his undying love for his family and his willingness to sacrifice everything to save one of their own, and she paid each one a special homage.
Sara gently closed her fingers around his shaft and stroked it with her hand. He hardened instantly in her grasp and the sultry look in her eyes chased away his fear and replaced it with a feeling of comfort and intense desire.
Sara saw the change in his eyes and dropped her head until her lips were almost touching the tip of his shaft. She slowly ran the tip of her tongue around the head and he inhaled sharply as he grabbed the sheets beneath him. She slowly encased him in her mouth and watching her intensified all of the sensations that were coursing through him.
Keeping watch of her eyes kept Gil intent on what she was doing. He never even realized that he no longer felt his tormentors on him. He couldn't feel them touching him and he couldn't hear their words anymore. All that consumed him was Sara. All that mattered in that moment was Sara and the feelings that she was renewing in him.
Sara slowly sucked her way up the length of his cock, taking her time when she reached the tip to pay special attention to the coronal ridge at the bottom of the head. Each time she circled it with the tip of her tongue his reaction intensified until he began to thrust her mouth. She released his length and kissed her way back up his body until she reached his mouth and straddled his hips.
She watched his eyes and the desire that burned in those soft, blue orbs and kissed his lips again. He pushed his tongue passed her lips and she gently sucked it into her mouth. Their tongues entwined in a dance of pure passion as his hands ran up her body to rest on the sides of her breasts. The kiss deepened as he stroked the sides of her breasts with his thumbs and any trace of hatred or rage was replaced with love and adoration.
Gil was not lost in the kiss, though, and he felt her hand grasp him and line him with herself before slowly lowering herself onto him. Gil's head dropped back onto the pillow as she sat up and set a slow pace. He was the one who broke eye contact when he shut his eyes and concentrated on the feel of her as her body slid back and forth around his own.
When Gil finally opened his eyes, Sara feared that his expression would have changed. But the desire still burned there and she knew that he had beat it. She had propped herself on his chest as she continued to pump his cock. But Gil was not satisfied and he rolled them over so that she was underneath him.
He quickly regained the pace that she had set and steadily pumped into her as he reclaimed her mouth in a deep and passionate kiss. He wanted to take his time. He wanted to pleasure her. Sara knew that he needed to be in control. He had been robbed of many things in that warehouse and one of them was his sense of control. She wrapped her legs around his, and entwined them around his thighs. She surrendered herself to her lover as he maintained his strong but gentle pace.
Gil ducked his head and kissed the top of her breast as her body arched beneath him. He sucked her nipple into his mouth and suckled with need. Sara grabbed his shoulders at the new sensation his mouth caused. They were both panting for breath and she could feel him coming close to the edge of his orgasm. Gil knew he was close but he was determined that Sara would come first.
He bit back his need for release and continued his steady thrusts. He felt her reaching the edge of their desired precipice and rested his head next to her ear. He sucked on her ear lobe as he had her nipple, and with the same intensity. Then he ran the tip of his tongue around the inner ring of her ear and she shuddered at the feel of his warm breath when he whispered to her.
"Come for me, Sara. Feel your release and come for me."
His words were all that she needed. It was not a command, it was a lover's request. Sara's whole body clenched as she pulsed around his shaft. The sensation of her body pumping him was all that he needed and he let go of his self-restraint. Gil threw his head back as he cried out her name and Sara joined him, his name coming passionately from her lips, as she was filled with his seed.
When both lovers were spent their bodies relaxed. Gil collapsed on top of her and Sara held him in a tight embrace. She felt an intense desire to protect him while was so vulnerable in his recovery. It didn't matter to her that his weight was pressing her into the bed. His body was like a shield in her weakness and she loved him all the more for it.
After a moment he propped himself up on his elbows and kissed her on the lips before resting his forehead against hers. They both continued to pant for air, though it did ease some, and stayed like that for a moment with their eyes closed, just enjoying the closeness that they felt as he slowly softened inside her.
Gil rolled them onto their sides and held her close as she rested her head against his chest. He reveled in the feel of having her so close to him. He reveled in the feel of her skin as he traced small circles on her back with his fingers. He reveled at the look of her legs as they lay entwined with his. Most of all he reveled as her glistening juices dried upon his shaft. To him was a sign of their undying love and her unwavering trust.
After a long, comfortable silence, Gil spoke softly. "I couldn't do it."
"Couldn't do what?" Sara asked as she ran her fingers over his chest.
"I wanted to. I really did, but there was just something… stopping me."
Sara propped herself up on his chest and looked at his distant eyes. "Stopping you from what, Gil?"
"Shooting myself that night." He looked at her through the tears that welled in his eyes. "Something just wouldn't let me do it."
"I think that something was the inner strength that you didn't think that you had," Sara said warmly.
"That something was you, Sara." He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. "You're my inner strength."
Sara felt the tears well in her own eyes as she watched the wondrous man beside her. She traced his lips with her fingers and he captured her hand and kissed her palm before holding it over his heart.
"I love you, Gil." Sara choked passed her tears.
"I love you more than I will ever be able show, Sara." Gil returned and held her close again.
When Sara fell asleep in his embrace Gil lay awake. A great sense of peace settled over him as he watched her sleep. He knew that this was not over. He knew that Shelling was still out there somewhere, and he knew that he was still a long ways from recovering from his ordeal. But the peace that she gave him after helping him conquer his greatest fear made the others go away, even if it was just for a little while. It was enough to renew his hope that he would make it. His hope that they would make it... together.
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A/N: I hope that I have renewed your trust in me and that some of you are heading for a cold shower:) Some of you are probably cursing me for not putting the end of 26 in italics but I had a good reason for that. I wanted to show you readers just how realistic it was to Grissom, and I think I succeeded. Now why don't you all hit that button down there and tell me how much you want me to burn in hell:)
