A/N: Okay, so it appears Major Lorne has decided to take up residence in the asylum in my head. So far he's given me about half a dozen short ones, and three more long ones. Strangely, I never paid attention to his character, really, when I watched the series the first three times. Why he's jumping out at me I have no clue. But, I have to admit, he is one of the more under-written characters.

So, yes, there will likely be more of these little rewrites of episode stuff, along with more original stuff here in the spare parts bin. Hopefully some of the other characters will quit sulking and step up for their little pieces...

In the meantime, thank you for the reviews. As long as these are as entertaining to others as they were for me to write, then I shall continue.

Enjoy!


A Tale of Two Soggy Feet

The two groups entered the abandoned factory building in silence. Major Lorne and his team followed Colonel Sheppard's team. Lorne was somewhat surprised when Sheppard signaled for Doctor McKay to go with his team, while he and Ronon took off in a different direction. Apparently he had other targets and wanted the astrophysicist protected while he worked. The Major wasn't about to argue. Much as he wanted Teyla back, he also knew what kind of trouble McKay tended to get himself into. Besides, annoying as he was, Lorne had grown to like him.

"Rodney, you got anything?" Lorne heard Sheppard ask over the radio.

"Hold on," Rodney called back as they entered another room.

Seeing the astrophysicist was already too preoccupied with the mass of Wrath tech he spotted across the room to bother checking before entering, Lorne quickly ducked in with a scowl and checked the place. Not for the first time he wondered how the man had survived as long as he had. It must have been the Cursed Colonel's strange luck or something.

"Yeah. Yeah, I've got some kind of data terminal. Let me see if I can power it up and hack in," McKay replied a moment later.

Lorne signaled his team in the room outside where he was guarding McKay. McKay was going from thing to thing leaving Major Lorne to wonder how he could even tell the difference in all that biological and technological mush.

~o~o~o~

Meanwhile Sheppard and Ronon kept sweeping through room after room. Finally he spotted something that looked like what the digital McKay had described.

"This is it," Sheppard told Ronon. "This is where they found her."

"How do you know?"

"Because he described it to me," Sheppard replied in a distracted voice as he focused on those memories for a moment.

As they entered the empty room on high alert, Sheppard was almost disappointed. Maybe he had been wrong. Then Ronon caught sight of something.

"Hey, look at this," he said, holding up what looked like a twisted version of a surgical hand saw.

Sheppard keyed on his radio.

~o~o~o~

Back in the room with the mass of tubes and wires that would have, in another life time, left Lorne puking in disgust, they all heard Sheppard's radio.

"McKay, we got something."

"What is it?" the scientist asked, taking his attention off the connections in his hands for a moment.

"Some twisted version of a maternity ward. I think we're too early, though. But he's going to bring her here to have the baby."

"Hold on," McKay called. "I'm in. Whoa! Jackpot!"

Lorne came over to stand behind McKay to see what had popped up on a screen that was reminiscent of World War Two human tech from Earth.

"What have you got?" Sheppard asked.

"I got everything!" Rodney replied excitedly. "I've got gate addresses. I've got subspace communication codes. I've even got his research into the hybrids!" Turning around to look at Lorne he smiled, "He's history!"

Lorne couldn't help but smile back. This was probably the best news he'd heard in months. Suddenly the screen went dark and came back with a single Wraith language figure that the Major couldn't hope to understand.

"No, no, no, no, no," McKay said in surprised denial. "What happened?"

Major Lorne felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. "What's that?" he asked, already suspecting the answer.

"Oh no…" McKay said, his face pale.

"Doc?" Lorne asked in a warning tone.

"It's a countdown."

"Damn!" Lorne said turning on his mic. "Colonel, it's a booby-trap! We've got to get out of here now!"

Already loud explosions were going off throughout the abandoned building. Turning toward the door and waving to his guys on the other side to run, Lorne was just lucky enough to avoid getting hit by a massive set of iron latticework that fell blocking the door. McKay ran right into him. Remembering the windows at the other end of the room, Lorne shoved McKay in that direction. The scientist, being totally unprepared for this, stumbled and landed on his chest with an oomph. Out of time and out of options, Lorne threw himself over the doctor locking his elbows in place.

"Cover your head!" Lorne shouted as McKay curled into a panicked ball beneath him.

The last massive explosion seemed to rip the building apart around them. Lorne had just enough time to pray his team managed to get out as the entire building came crashing down around them. The feeling of something heavy crushing his leg shocked him into a scream. A moment later that scream ended abruptly as something equally heavy landed on his back knocking the wind out of him. And, finally, his head exploded in an array of spectacular colors.

Then there was nothing.

~o~o~o~

McKay's blood had run cold hearing the Major screaming only inches above him. Then the silence roared in like a beast all its own. With the Major lying limply on top of him, McKay found he was afraid to open his eyes. The man was annoying in the way all jock-types were always annoying, but he'd grown to like the Major. He wasn't sure he could handle looking up and seeing the man's dead, staring eyes.

As the dust continued to settle and the position became increasingly uncomfortable, McKay managed to get his shaking under control. Above him he could feel Lorne breathing. Mentally checking himself, he gave a huge sigh of relief. Lorne was alive, and he was undamaged. This was a good start.

But what about Sheppard and Ronon? a voice in his head asked.

Shut up. One thing at a time, right now, he told it.

Carefully he moved himself out from under Major Lorne trying to unclip the P90 and lay the man as flat as possible. With a scream like that, McKay knew the man was badly injured. And if his experiences with Sheppard were anything to go by, Lorne wasn't going to be able to tolerate much jostling. Just as he was settling Lorne's head on the concrete floor the man gave a groan and a start.

"MmmmKay…" he slurred.

"Hold still, Major," McKay said. "You're hurt. I just don't know where."

Having gained the auditory confirmation he needed that McKay had survived, Lorne relaxed somewhat, still dazed. "You okay, Doc?" he asked, trying to focus beyond the rising nausea and throbbing in his head.

Now visually checking Lorne over while removing his own vest and jacket, McKay said, "Yes, remarkably I'm uninjured. Thanks to you."

Lorne grunted trying to get his bearings as McKay wadded up his jacket and stuffed it under his head. Then he remembered something that made him jolt. "Legs."

"What?"

"My legs, something fell on my left leg," Lorne said slurred, trying to think through the throbbing pain in his head. "I can't feel—"

"No, no, no, no, no! Don't move, Major," McKay said as Lorne tried to get his hands under himself to push up. "Just let me…Oh, no."

"McKay?" Lorne asked in a warning tone.

"Just don't move, Major!" McKay snapped, getting over the shock.

"What?"

"Your leg is pinned. Looks like some kind of…iron beam. It's balanced on…maybe I can pivot…" McKay grunted, trying to shift it. "Try now!"

Lorne tried to move out from under whatever it was McKay was holding. His heart stopped. His legs didn't move. As a matter of fact, he couldn't feel anything below his shoulder blades.

"Move, Major! I can't—"

"I can't!" Lorne snapped back, his stomach lurching causing the statement to end in a thankfully dry heave.

"Major…Damn," McKay finally said, realizing Lorne was retching.

There was a moment of shuffling feet and grinding metal before a secondary crash brought down what felt like half a ton of light debris. Lorne covered his head as best he could from the awkward position. As silence began to fall, he started to panic.

"McKay!" trying not to gag again, ever so thankful that he hadn't eaten today. A hoarse coughing right beside him on the side he wasn't facing started his heart beating again. "Don't do that again," he growled in relief.

"You're welcome," McKay snapped back. "Your leg isn't pinned anymore. Why didn't you move? I could have given myself a hernia trying to lift—"

"You know, for a scientist you can be an idiot sometimes," Lorne cut him off tiredly. "I can't move, Rodney. I can't feel anything from about halfway down my back and lower."

"Oh no…"

Lorne could imagine the look on the man's face. He wasn't sure if the pity pissed him off more, or the horror. "Get over it, Doc! Try your radio, we need to see if there are any other survivors."

As if just then realizing he still had his radio, McKay grabbed his vest and put it back on. "McKay to Sheppard. Come in."

Trying to focus on breathing and not panicking himself, Lorne listened to static on his radio.

"Ronon? Do you copy?"

Static.

"Anyone? Is anyone out there?" McKay asked almost pathetically as the reality of what that silence meant settled in.

Hearing the continuous static, Lorne could only hope that the other three members of his team somehow managed to get out; but he doubted it. The shock seeming to have worn off and the reality of their situation setting in, McKay practically fell to a sitting position just barely within Lorne's viewing range. For once the astrophysicist was quiet, and that disturbed Lorne more than the man's ceaseless chatter.

"I posted Edmonds at the building entrance. He'll go get help," Lorne told him, trying to offer the clearly disheartened scientist some hope.

"That's if he wasn't killed by falling debris," McKay replied half-heartedly trying for his usual snappishness and failing miserably.

Trying again Lorne told him, "The Daedalus left Atlantis when we were still confirming Colonel Sheppard's story. With that kind of head start, they should be here in less than three hours." He grunted as he tried unsuccessfully to reach up and wipe the blood out of his eyes. "So one way or another, help is on the way."

"Sorry," McKay said, pulling out a cloth from one of the many pockets in his vest. "I'm just not good with tight spaces."

Lorne accepted the cloth and wiped his face to find there was a lot more blood than he thought. Whatever hit him had clipped the side of his head leaving a gash that felt about two inches long, and bleeding profusely. "Yeah, well, look, there's no bad guys around, okay?" he said, trying to keep McKay from going into a full-blown panic attack. "No bad guys…just a lot of…debris…so…"

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Don't sleep, Major!" McKay commanded scooting closer.

Lorne shook himself mentally and lifted his head up. Big mistake, he told himself as his stomach lurched again. Somewhere beyond the hum in his head he could hear McKay talking.

"…concussion. And if I've learned anything in the last few years, it's that concussions—"

"Shut up," Lorne practically whispered.

McKay's mouth closed with a click, almost making the Major regret his words. "Sorry, just trying to focus. I need to think."

"Don't hurt yourself," McKay shot back before his face went pale. "I'm sorry! No. I didn't mean it. Really! I just…Are you laughing?"

For a moment Lorne wasn't sure if he was laughing or sobbing. Either way, the giddy feeling of coming to the realization of this terrifying and ridiculous situation finally hit him. You always worry about who you might get stuck with where any time you go off-world. So you always carefully pick your team. Of all the people for him to be stuck with, it had to be the great Doctor Rodney McKay. For one moment there he had almost regretted saving the man's life. Meanwhile, somewhere nearby the rest of his team was most likely dead.

No, he wasn't sure anymore if he was laughing or crying.

But he was sure it wasn't helping. Forcing his breathing to normal, he tried to refocus beyond the pounding in his head. "Just sit tight, Doctor. Help will be here."

"I know…" McKay said, forlornly.

"They're okay, Rodney," Lorne said forcefully as if trying to convince himself. He closed his eyes against the pain for a moment trying to focus beyond the terrifying lack of sensation in his lower body.

McKay, having scooted closer to the Major's back began to tentatively look for any wounds instead of answering. "Well, there's no blood."

"Blunt trauma, then," Lorne agreed wishing the room would stop tilting back and forth at crazy angles. "Don't worry about it, McKay. Doctor Keller will figure it out."

"Yeah…"

"McKay," Lorne said in a warning voice. "Don't shut down on me, here. I need you to focus. Try the radio in five minute intervals. They survived. We just need to wait for them to wake up. Kinda like me."

"Yeah, sure," McKay said, sounding preoccupied.

Not for the first time, Lorne cursed his current position. Aside from being uncomfortable, it was also damn inconvenient. But the alternative, which was likely to damage his spine further before help arrived, wasn't an option, either. Heaving a sigh, Lorne resigned himself to the situation.

"Talk to me, Doc. You're the expert here on concussions. You said I need to stay awake," he said, already knowing full well the joys of a concussion first-hand.

"Talk about what?" he asked incredulously.

"I don't know," Lorne growled. "Anything."

"Oh right, like you're going to understand particle physics," McKay said, standing up to pace across the room. "Or was it quantum physics you wanted to discuss? Maybe a little collaborative dissertation on the multiverse—"

"Sure, Doc. Whatever…just…keep talking."

"Have you been hanging around Radek again?"

Lorne huffed a laugh. "Yeah, something like that."

"Wait, aren't you dating Doctor Bazzi?"

"What's it to you?"

"I knew it! You and Sheppard! Between the two of you…What is it with women wanting the guys with all the looks and no personality?"

"Gee, thanks, Doc."

"Oh, no, wait! I didn't mean it that way!"

"Relax, McKay. I know what you meant. And you have nothing to worry about," Lorne said, unable to hide his amusement at the scientist's discomfort.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, most of those scientists who have lead a rather sheltered life, mostly obsessed with their work, just want to see what it's like 'on the other side', so to speak," Lorne said, struggling to breathe in this awkward position.

"What?"

"You heard me," he grunted, trying to shift his upper body to make it easier to breathe. "They don't want long-term anything with military. It's just a fling," Lorne said sounding sad to McKay.

"Really?" McKay asked, sounding almost comically hopeful.

"Yes, really. Now if you're quite finished with this subject, let's move on to something more interesting."

"Sorry."

"For what?" Lorne asked, finally getting his left arm under his vest enough to take some of the pressure off his chest so he could breathe. "There, that's better."

"You and Doctor Bazzi."

"What?"

"Sorry it didn't, you know, work out."

His pounding head finally processing what McKay was saying, Lorne almost chuckled again. "Don't be. I should know better by now."

Hearing McKay moving around and items being shuffled behind him, Lorne forced his head back and then turned. "What are you doing?" he finally asked, seeing McKay going through what looked like disconnected hard drives.

"I'm claustrophobic," McKay reminded him. "I'm trying to keep my mind busy; which is hard, because, you know, it's…my mind."

Seeing McKay at least absorbed in something that wouldn't drive Lorne into wanting to shoot the man, he was somewhat relieved. But feeling more tired than he could ever remember, the Major also needed something to keep himself occupied. "Well, there's no way anything useful survived that implosion."

"Yeah, well, speak for yourself." The look of horror on McKay's face was priceless.

Lorne found himself laughing again. He was beginning to see why Sheppard liked the man so much. It seemed the snarky scientist kept a foot in his mouth pretty regularly when in certain company. "I know what you meant, Doc. Don't worry about it," he said before McKay could start his rambling apologies again.

Turning his attention back to the computer hardware he mumbled something Lorne didn't catch.

"What was that?"

"I said I'm eventually going to learn to keep my mouth shut," McKay snapped, not bothering to look up.

That will be a cold day in hell, Lorne thought, struggling not to either say it out loud or laugh at the thought since laughing made him want to gag again.

"I found a bunch of computer parts, alright? The motherboards are all fried or snapped, but some of these hard drives look like they might still be intact. If I can just get the power to…" With a snap, McKay managed to connect one to his tablet. Of course it wasn't damaged. Major Lorne figured that tablet would survive an apocalypse.

"Hello, hello," McKay said, happily surprised by something on the tablet screen. "Whoa…"

"What? Is it something good?" Lorne asked idly hoping for something that would keep both of them mentally occupied, at least.

"I don't know. It's a lot of information," McKay replied distantly. "Hold on. I think I just hit the jackpot."

"What? Some way to broadcast a signal?" Lorne asked hopefully. "Let people know our location? Speed up the rescue? What?"

McKay sighed heavily. "No. Although, in hindsight, you're right. That should be considered the jackpot. But, no, this is a hard drive I can only access what's on it."

"Which is?" Lorne prompted, not even caring anymore.

"It's Michael's wiki. It survived the explosion. It's a huge chunk of Michael's database; maybe the whole thing. We've got base schematics, medical research information, lists of planets. Do you know what this means?" McKay said, excitedly.

"Yeah. It means we're still stuck here and I still can't feel anything," Lorne said angry with himself for even bothering to get his hopes up. This was McKay, after all.

"In the short-term," McKay agreed. "But if we get out of here—"

"If?" Lorne asked putting a hard edge into his voice.

McKay clearly ignored this. "We'd have him on the run. He'd be finished. Look, if Michael—" Something on his tablet chirped at him. "Oh no…"

"I hate when you say that," Lorne said with a sigh as he closed his eyes. "What now?"

"I don't want to concern you any more than you actually already are, but if I'm reading this correctly, then Michael is…is…"

Hearing something, Lorne's eyes flew open. "Shut up. Shut up. Listen."

McKay's eyes widened in understanding as he heard it too. "Footsteps!"

"Okay, revise that. Start making noise!" Lorne said trying to breathe as deeply as he could. "Hey! Down here! We're down here!"

McKay jumped up. "Help! Help!

"McKay! Is that you?!" they heard Colonel Carter shouting from above.

"Oh thank God! Yes!" McKay shouted back, hearing Lorne dry heaving again after his efforts.

Smiling at knowing that McKay at least was going to get out of this, okay, Lorne closed his eyes. For a moment he let the relief wash over him.

"I'm trapped down here with Major Lorne!"

More like the other way around, Lorne thought, ever so grateful that his time with McKay was soon to end.

"Are you okay?" they heard Carter shout back.

"I'm fine! Lorne's hurt. He can't move, and he has a broken leg!"

"Okay, McKay, stay put! We've got combat engineers here! We're going to dig you out!"

"Well hurry up!" he shot back.

"We'll work as fast as is safe, Rodney!" she called back down, irritation clear in her voice.

"No, no, no. You don't understand! I found out that when the self-destruct is initiated, it's automatically programmed to send a subspace burst! Michael's probably already on his way!"

"Understood!"

"Colonel!" Lorne cut in, hoping he'd caught her. "Are there any other survivors?!"

The silence had even McKay closing his eyes like a kid desperately wishing.

"Two! Buried much deeper!"

Lorne closed his eyes as McKay's opened. They both knew what that meant. If they were much deeper, then it was likely to be Ronon and Sheppard. Lorne's team was gone.

"I'm…I'm sorry, Major," McKay said softly.

Lorne didn't doubt the man's sincerity, but he wasn't in the mood to deal right now. Let the damned astrophysicist think what he wanted. Turning his head away, back to the side that wasn't sliced open, Lorne set himself to waiting as patiently as he could. After all, where was he going to go?

Half an hour later McKay scrambled out with help from Carter. The man had been silent the entire time. Lorne could hear him as Doctor Keller pounced on him. Knowing McKay was safe, at least, he started to let himself drift.

"No, no, no, no. I'm okay. You need to look after Major Lorne."

"Doctor McKay turning down medical help? Now I know something's wrong," Keller teased.

"No," McKay said more forcefully. "He's hurt. He can't feel his legs, and one was crushed. And I think he has a concussion."

Keller's eyes widened as her lips thinned. Grabbing a couple of bags and issuing some instructions, she headed toward the opening. She dropped her bags in, first and followed them quickly after. Not a minute later two more doctors followed her in.

Lorne waited. He had even started to drift off. He was so tired. Not being able to feel the rest of him and too scared to move, did nothing to improve his alertness. Hearing footsteps, he assumed it was the doctor.

"Hey, Doc," he called softly. "Ready to bust me outta this place?"

"Yeah, sure, Major," she said, clearly distracted.

Lorne could hear the electronic hum of the Ancient scanner in her hands. Before she could say anything, though, there came a call from above.

"Wraith Cruiser! We've got to get out of here now!"

Turning to the other two, Keller said, "Go. Leave the board."

"No!" Lorne said. "If you can't get me out of here, just go."

Keller didn't even bother to respond. The other two continued unwrapping the restraints and collar as if she hadn't spoken.

"Did you hear me? I said—" Keller started.

"Yes," one of them snapped. "We heard you. And the faster we get him on this board, the faster we can get him out of here."

"All of you, just go," Lorne tried to shout, only to wind up gagging again. Again, he was ignored.

"Fine," Keller said, clearly pissed off.

Together the three of them had Lorne strapped to the board and hefting him up through the opening in what seemed like a minute. Then it was all bouncing motion and dizziness making him give up on consciousness altogether.

~o~o~o~

Lorne had no idea what time it was when he woke, again. But he wasn't in the hole anymore. It took his foggy mind a little while to catch up. He was in the infirmary in Atlantis. Arrayed around him were a couple of monitors and little else. His mouth dry, he looked around.

"Hold still, Major," a voice called from just outside his room. "I'm coming."

A moment later an auburn-haired doctor reached for the cup and brought it to him, urging him to keep as still as possible. Seeing he was awake enough to be alert and cognitive, she stepped back and eyed him.

"Welcome back, Major," she finally said. "Any pain?"

Lorne shook his head slightly. "No."

"Well, that's a plus, at least."

"How bad?" he finally asked, not really wanting to hear the answer but would rather find out if his career was over now rather than later.

"I've radioed Doctor Keller. She'll be able to get you the specifics."

Knowing he wasn't going to get anything more out of a doctor that didn't want to talk, Lorne just lay there staring at the ceiling trying to control his slowly rising panic. He knew this could happen. Everyone who went through the gate knew this could happen to anyone, any time. But, at the moment, dying would have been so much easier.

"Major Lorne?" Keller asked a couple minutes later. "Are you in pain?"

"How bad is it?"

"Sorry, just that your vitals…"

"How bad?" he asked again, more gruffly.

"You should be back on your feet in a couple of weeks to a couple of months," she said, clearly surprised.

Considering the condition of his team, Lorne couldn't find it in himself to smile, even. "Sheppard and Ronon?"

"Sheppard's still recovering from surgery and Ronon is…Ronon," she told him.

"Surgery?"

"Yeah, piercing wound. Some liver damage. He'll be fine in a few days."

"That's good," Lorne finally said. "So why can't I feel anything?"

"Impact damage to your spine. It was a shock that caused some swelling of the soft tissues. No broken vertebrae, and doesn't appear permanent. Over the next few days to couple of weeks you're going to start feeling muscle spasm and gradual return of feeling. Your leg was broken in two places, so I've inserted a wire mesh, kind of like an internal splint, to keep them together. Once the swelling goes down I'll get you casted. We'll remove the splints later."

Lorne let this sink in. It was better than he had any right to hope for.

"Six to eight weeks and you'll be back to sparring Ronon," she told him, with a comforting pat on the shoulder.

Summoning a smile from somewhere, Lorne said, "Thanks, Doc."

"I'll be back around in a while. If you need anything, Doctor Vishwa and Nurse Yoxall will be at the station in the center of the ward."

Lorne just nodded. Still too exhausted to think clearly, he let himself drift off to sleep again.