A/N: So, it would appear McKay and Sheppard are getting jealous at all the attention Lorne is getting. They're demanding more. But I figured this little tidbit would be something to appease them so I could get some sleep tonight.
Enjoy!
Update: Okay, so after I wrote this and am sitting here re-reading it, I'm getting the distinct feeling I've read this before or something very similar. Now, it might be because this idea is from something else I was working on many, many years ago now. Maybe something about McKay punching Sheppard. But, after hours and hours spent searching, I can't find it to check. If anyone out there recognizes this as being similar to someone else's please, please, please, msg me and I'll pull it down.
Thanks!
Broken Trust
Too distracted anymore to focus on what he was looking at on the laptop right in his face, McKay finally admitted defeat. Unthinkingly he slammed his fist down on the metal tabletop, making everyone else in the room jump. Not one set of eyes in the room turned to him, though. They knew better, at this point. His mood had been foul enough to dish out the kind of tongue lashings usually reserved only for the most truly incompetent of subordinates. He'd been worse than a bear with a sore tooth ever since Colonel Sheppard had returned from M62-416 with two badly injured scientists.
Ignoring the reactions—or lack thereof—in the lab around him, McKay dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. Ever since he'd seen the chemical burns across their faces and bodies, he hadn't been able to get it out of his mind. Both Doctor Rosales and Doctor Wintringham were young, new. Sheppard was supposed to be taking them out on the equivalent of a training mission to get them used to off-world procedures. It was a routine exploration of some ancient ruins. Nothing special, no power to the buildings, nothing interesting. Just a quick in and out that turned into a never-ending nightmare for the two scientists. Once the trap was triggered, they couldn't find a way out, or a way to stop it. The acidic vapor had eaten away at their exposed flesh as fast as it had their clothes.
McKay had been there when they brought the bodies back through the gate. They were still alive against all odds. But what was left wasn't even really recognizable anymore. Their faces…
Groaning at the memory, McKay dug the heels of his hands deeper, until all he could see behind his closed eyelids was bursts of color. Even then, it wasn't enough. Nothing would ever be enough. He knew till the day he died he would have nightmares about them. And he knew the guilt would never go away.
For the second time he slammed his fist on the table, this time earning irritated looks. But, at least, this time the pain brought him out of the memories and back to the present. He was so tired it was hard to focus; but he certainly did now as he caught sight of the blood. Apparently this time he'd slammed his fist down on a plastic pen hard enough to shatter it and a few of the pieces were sticking out of his skin, blood oozing around the edges.
Mumbling curses he'd heard Sheppard use on more than one occasion, McKay slammed his laptop closed and headed out of the lab. He wasn't even sure where he was going. He knew he should sleep. Hell, he couldn't even remember the last time he'd eaten. He also knew he wasn't going to get anything done right now. Not with his head wrapped up and wound up the way it was. But he had no clue where he was going to go or what he was going to do, either.
Walking blindly down the corridors, picking the pieces of plastic out of the side of his right hand, he let his mind wander. Inevitably, it led back to where it started, almost a month ago, now.
~o~o~o~
McKay caught sight of Sheppard headed down the busy corridor. He could tell the moment Sheppard had caught sight of him, as the man had suddenly changed direction practically in mid-stride. It was no more than he expected. And, at this point, it was a lot better than he had any right to hope for. At least Sheppard hadn't shot him, yet; even if McKay felt like that's the least of what he deserved.
"Oh, Colonel. Colonel!" he called, jogging to catch up. "I've been looking all over for you."
"I heard," Sheppard replied bluntly.
McKay almost wished he'd taken the cowardly approach this time as well and gone into hiding when Sheppard turned around and crossed his arms as if trying to convince himself not to lay Rodney out on the floor right there. Sheppard being pissed off he could deal with. Sheppard being disappointed enough to lash out...he couldn't even manage to meet the Colonel's eyes as he summoned his courage to continue.
"Yeah, I suppose I deserve that," McKay admitted with a sigh. "Look, I just…um…I wanted to apologize about what happened. I was wrong. I'm sorry."
When Sheppard continued to glare with no visible or verbal reaction, McKay decided to push it further. He wasn't sure anymore if he was wanting Sheppard to lash out or not. He just felt the need to get this over with, whatever the result. "And I wanted to assure you that I intend on being right again. About everything, effective immediately."
When Sheppard cocked his head in response but still said nothing and very deliberately kept his arms crossed, Rodney sighed again. "That was a joke."
"Good one," Sheppard finally said, the venom clear in his voice, if not his expression.
Only once he'd turned to enter the transporter and was out of arm's reach of McKay did Sheppard finally uncross his arms.
His heart still racing, McKay stepped closer. "I've already apologized to Elizabeth," Sheppard left his arms swinging at his side, appearing almost disappointed that McKay hadn't stepped closer. "And Radek and…And I thanked Colonel Caldwell for caring enough to spy on the experiment from orbit. Sent him a nice little email, actually."
Now the Colonel's expression was openly disgusted as he continued to listen to the scientist's meaningless crap attempts to make himself feel better.
"But I save you till last 'cause…um…Honestly, I would…," McKay visibly summoned the last of his courage, wishing his heart wasn't so damn scared of what would come next. "I would hate to think that recent events might have permanently dimmed your faith in my abilities."
Silently he cursed himself. Even now he couldn't bring himself to admit they were friends. Even now, under these circumstances he was too much of a coward to admit that what he really wanted was to affirm Sheppard wasn't going to kick him to the curb for what had happened.
"Or your trust," McKay continued, not able to make eye contact at this point. "At the very least, I hope I can…I can earn that back."
Now Sheppard, though looking less pissed, let the disappointment show through completely. And McKay wished more than ever that the Colonel would lash out, verbally or physically; because that disappointment in those green eyes hurt more than the anger. He knew he'd screwed up. And there was no way to fix it. Again he cursed himself silently.
"That may take a while," Sheppard finally said.
"I see," McKay replied, not really seeing any hope for salvaging their friendship at this point, and knowing he didn't really deserve it, either.
"But, I'm sure you can do it, if you really, really try," Sheppard added after a second, with a bit of smirk as he tapped a location on the transporter.
Still not feeling it, McKay accepted it. Maybe it was nothing. But at least for now, there seemed to be at least some small chance that he might one day repair their friendship. For now, he just wanted to go hide in his lab and never come out again.
~o~o~o~
McKay had been so wrapped up in the memory he hadn't even realized where he was headed until now. Standing outside of Beckett's office, he very nearly turned around and fled. He still hadn't been able to visit the two scientists, knowing what he knew.
"Rodney? Are you—"
Beckett's voice right behind him startled him into jumping nearly out of his skin. Still holding his bloodied hand, he spun around making Beckett cut off whatever he was about to say.
"Sorry, Carson, it's just…um…I hurt my hand," he finally said, feeling like an idiot for being here in the first place.
Beckett gave McKay an exasperated look, knowing the scientist wouldn't come all the way back to his office just for an injury. But, knowing the man as he did, taking him back out for a band aid was just going to make things worse. With a gentle hand on his arm, Beckett steered McKay into the office.
"What did you do to your hand?" Beckett asked, moving some stuff off his chair so McKay could sit.
"You know what? Never mind, it's nothing," McKay said, very nearly running out of the tiny office except for the fact that Beckett was blocking his way.
Beckett's eyebrows shot up nearly into his hairline. Now he knew something was wrong. "Sit down, Rodney. Let me see your hand."
Looking both trapped and defeated, McKay sat down staring at the floor as he offered up his hand, mumbling something about a scratch and not worth his time and…
"Are ye serious?" Beckett said, more than a little surprised as he pulled on gloves. "This may need a stitch or two. What did ye do, Rodney?"
"I don't know," he said cheeks flaming as he stared everywhere but at the doctor in front of him.
"What's wrong, son?" Beckett finally asked, cleaning the wound. The lack of reaction from his friend was downright unsettling. "Are ye feeling alright?"
"What? Hm? Yes, yes, I'm…fine."
"I highly doubt that," Beckett said, relieved it wasn't as bad as it initially appeared. "Well, no sutures needed, at least."
McKay nodded, still obviously miles away from the current situation. Sensing something seriously wrong behind those distant blue eyes, Beckett wondered again what had really brought his friend here. But he also knew pushing wasn't going to get anywhere with Rodney if he didn't want to talk.
"How are they?" he finally asked softly staring at the hand Beckett was bandaging and nowhere else.
So that's what it is, Beckett thought to himself, thinking he was finally catching on.
"I'm sorry, Rodney. There's not much to report since yesterday. They're alive, for now."
His eyes and voice distant now, McKay said, "It's not right."
"What do you mean?"
Suddenly coming back to the present with a violent start, McKay realized his hand was bandaged. He really should get out of there. He still wasn't even entirely sure why he was here in the first place. His head was a mess, he was a mess, and this whole damned situation was a mess. Launching himself out of the chair, but still not able to get out because of Beckett blocking the door, he turned away.
"I mean, it's not fair," he finally said. "They didn't train for this. They didn't spend months studying Ancient technology. I did."
Now clearly irritated, Beckett glared at the hunched back of his friend. "So that's what this is about. It's all about Doctor Rodney McKay—"
"You're damn right it is!" McKay shouted, turning around, his blue eyes blazing. "If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't be in there! They wouldn't have…Don't you get it, Carson? I screwed up at Doranda and now Sheppard doesn't trust me! If I hadn't broken his trust, he wouldn't have taken them instead of me."
Crossing his arms at this little tirade Beckett asked, "And what? You're saying you could have stopped it?"
"Yes! No! I don't know. But that's not the point," McKay said, rubbing his forehead with a shaking hand as he turned away again, inspecting the wall of papers in front of him. "I'm saying…That it should have been me. At least no one else had to get hurt. That should be me in there, Carson. Not them."
His eyes nearly bugging out of his head, Beckett wondered just what his friend was on. "Would you listen to yourself, Rodney? You—"
"How many, Carson?" McKay asked, almost too softly for Beckett to hear.
"What?"
Turning around McKay's tired blue eyes met Beckett's with a haunted expression, and the doctor almost wished they weren't so clear and expressive right now. "Gall, Abrams, Johnson, Wagner, Peterson, Dumais, Hays, Groden, Lindstrom, Collins," he listed as Beckett's eyes widened in understanding. "How many more are going to pay for my mistakes? How many more have to die?"
Knowing where this was coming from and from whom, it nearly broke Beckett's heart. Underneath that ego was more guilt than most men could imagine. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. "When was the last time you slept, Rodney? Or ate? You look terrible. Here, sit down. I'll—"
Irritation replacing the haunted look, McKay shook his head. As Beckett took him by the arm trying to lead him back to the chair, the scientist dodged it, making a clean break for the door.
"I have to get back to work."
"Rodney! Rodney!" Beckett called a couple of times to the man's retreating back.
Giving up, he heaved a sigh, scrubbing his face with his hands. If he hadn't known the man as well as he did, he'd have thought McKay was on the verge of a break. He had no idea what had precipitated the split between the scientist and the Colonel, but it might be time to talk to Sheppard.
~o~o~o~
Not six feet away, just around the corner from Beckett's office, Sheppard held his breath as he watched McKay walk away, and Beckett turning back to his office. That had been close. But when he'd come to check on Rosales and Wintringham he'd overheard McKay's shouting.
"Don't you get it Carson? I screwed up at Doranda, and now Sheppard doesn't trust me!"
Approaching with as much noise as a shadow, he'd overheard the rest of the conversation. At first he'd wanted to just walk away. But hearing the clear suffering his…friend's?…voice, he found he couldn't. Seeing he was clear, Sheppard turned to go back the way he'd come.
Briefly he considered his most recent thoughts. He wasn't even certain he considered McKay a friend. Not anymore, anyway. Hell, he wasn't sure when it was Rodney had crossed the line from professional co-worker to friend in the first place. But he had known for certain they were friends by the end of the "Doranda Debacle", as he'd come to call it. And that he only knew because he made damn certain to close that door in a hurry, and hard. Sure, the guy had sounded so pathetic with his apology he'd had to give him some hope. But, realistically, Sheppard didn't want anything to do with the egotistical, loud-mouthed, selfish…courageous, foolhardy…
Damn, damn, damn, Sheppard cut himself off.
Even when he tried to convince himself he hated the guy he couldn't. This whole damn thing was a mess. But maybe McKay had actually learned his lesson. By the sounds of what he'd overheard, it seemed possible; which Sheppard was still trying to wrap his brain around.
Finding himself standing on a balcony watching the sun set, Sheppard turned these thoughts around in his head. He wasn't one to trust people, in the first place. He had trusted McKay who had broken that trust. That was usually a one-way ticket out of Sheppard's life for good. But, maybe he'd been a little too hard on the guy. Running a hand through his hair, the Colonel made up his mind.
It was time to corner the annoying scientist.
