Chapter V

Denial


The next morning I woke up in a much better mood than I should have been in considering the circumstances. It might have been because every inch of Baralai's sheets seemed like they had been drenched in his cologne. Or it might have been the fact that the dark skinned Praetor is a cuddler and a sleep talker. A small chuckle escaped my lips as I remembered waking up to find Baralai's arms wrapped around me and his head on my chest like I was his pillow. I wasn't entirely sure what to do at first; to be honest I had an urge to slap him upside the head, but I knew that wouldn't have ended well.

So instead I spent five minutes trying to carefully pry Baralai's arms off of me without waking him up and that's when he started mumbling incoherently, which almost made me jump out of my skin because for a second I thought he was actually awake. After sitting frozen in place for two or three minutes, reassuring myself that he was in fact asleep, I continued trying to scoot him back over to his side of the bed.

I'll get you back one of these days, I thought, after Baralai's arms were wrapped around his pillow instead of me.

I thought the whole situation was extremely comical. Now I had an embarrassing story to tell everyone the next time I saw them. Yeah, not sure when that will happen, I thought, rolling my eyes.

I squeezed my eyes shut as a yawn snuck up on me. I reluctantly pushed the warm blankets off of me and stood up, lazily stretching my arms above my head. I yawned again as I walked out of Baralai's room and into mine. I needed to shower before I started my training so I grabbed a fresh set of underwear then went to the guest bathroom. While I was soaking in the hot water cascading down on my shoulders, I was over my options of which dressphere I should wear.

Once my shower was over, I took my time drying myself off. I wasn't in a huge rush after all. I went back in my room, fully dressed and ready to take on the day, then tossed my bag back onto my bed and slowly sorted through all my Grids. I was tempted to put on the Black Mage again but I chose the Lady Luck instead, deciding to practice my telepathy with the cards.

I made the cards fly around my body for a few minutes, getting the feel for my telepathic powers again. I immediately felt a small drain as I watched the cards swirl through the air but I shook it off, knowing that I wasn't going to get any better if I didn't push myself.

After ten minutes I was ready for a little break. I let the cards float back into my hand and took a deep breath as I felt a headache rearing its ugly head. Just what I need. I left my bedroom and ventured into Baralai's office, not surprised when I didn't find him sitting behind his desk. He's probably at the temple talking with the council like he said he was going to.

"I wonder how that's going," I said to myself as I walked into his kitchen.

I kept tugging on the sides of my clothing as I searched his cupboards for something to eat. The Lady Luck was a nice dressphere, but I think mine could have been just a little more conservative. Whenever I wore the blasted thing it felt like if I moved wrong the whole thing would come undone and fall off me. At least Baralai's at the temple. I would probably turn all ungodly shades of red if he ever saw me in this.

"Which is why after I find something to eat, I'm going to practice a little more and sphere change back into the Black Mage," I said, talking to myself once again as I sorted through his pantry.

I settled for a can of chicken noodle soup that was looking rather forlorn sitting in the farthest corner of one of the shelves. After searching for a can opener for almost ten minutes I found it pushed all the way in the back of his silverware drawer under a ladle and a couple forgotten butter knives. Boy, wonder how long this has been back there? I turned the utensil over in my hand and decided to wash it off before using it.

I had just finished pouring the soup into a bowl and was getting ready to put it in the microwave when a weird feeling made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I chuckled under my breath and gripped the edge of the counter top so tightly that my knuckles cracked. Can I not get any time to myself anymore? I let out a frustrated sigh and roughly ran my hand through my hair.

"You can stop creeping around," I snapped. "I know you're here."

"Why the long face, Paine? I thought you would be glad to see me."

My whole body went rigid at the sound of that voice. It can't be... I gulped and turned around slowly, hoping that the owner of that voice wasn't who I thought it was.

Kaiser.

He stood in the kitchen entryway, blocking my only way out. Well, there was the window over the sink but I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to use that as a means of escape. Kaiser's dark eyebrows arched as he looked at my rather risqué outfit.

"Dressing to impress, Paine?" He asked, one corner of his mouth lifting in a smirk.

I scowled, a hate filled glare flashing in my ruby eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I just thought I'd make a house call myself. It has been a while since we've seen each other, hasn't it?" He folded his hands behind his back and took a few steps towards me. In return, I took a few steps away, keeping as much distance between us as I could in the confined space of Baralai's kitchen.

"Why can't you just leave me alone for the next month? You don't have to worry about me trying to hide from you because I know that I can't."

Kaiser chuckled and leaned against the counter. "And how am I supposed to trust you? You've escaped me once before. Who's to say that you won't try it again?"

I hung my head and bit the inside of my lip. The bastard's right. But there's gotta be some way that I can convince him. After many minutes of long silence knowing what to say but dreading it I opened my mouth to answer, knowing that nothing else would satisfy him. "I swear by my rite that I will keep my word. I'll be yours on my birthday." What I had said was nothing short of signing my soul away. I had to do it, Baralai. I'm sorry.

A satisfied smile appeared on Kaiser's lean face. "Good, I'm glad to hear it. See you in a month, Paine." He turned away and slowly began to disappear. "We'll still be watching."

I heard the door open and shut mere moments after Kaiser had disappeared. He wouldn't have any trouble leaving the way he came even though Baralai had just come back, no trouble at all. "Paine?" I heard him call from the living room. "Are you awake? I'm back."

I heard him start to walk towards the hallway and shook myself out of my trance. "I'm in the kitchen, Baralai," I said, turning back around and shoving my bowl into the microwave.

Remember that good mood that I woke up in? Yeah, neither do I. I silently cursed Kaiser for showing up when he did. I didn't want Baralai to see me dressed like this. I looked nothing short of a Lucan whore. I heard Baralai's heavy footfalls stop in the kitchen entryway, almost exactly where Kaiser had been standing a few minutes ago.

"Paine?"

I gasped when he spoke. "I'm fine, Baralai," I said, still not turning to face him. "I've been practicing all morning. I'm a little tired."

He walked up behind me and softly placed his hands on my bare hips. His warm breath on the back of my neck made shivers shoot up my spine. "What have you been practicing?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper.

"My mind powers," I said, squeezing my eyes shut and doing a damn good job of keeping my voice calm. I gripped the counter again, knowing that I should stop him from touching me, knowing that I should stop playing these games with his head.

All these reasons I had to open my mouth and stop him but I didn't act on one of them. It was like I had been paralyzed by his touch and I was helpless to do anything but stand there. Old memories sprang up behind my eyelids, particularly memories of that night. I shivered and goose bumps raced over my skin as he brought his hands around my stomach, his fingers slipping beneath the material of my clothing, grazing over the red diamond that was underneath my breasts.

His touch was simply intoxicating and I wanted more of it. Much, much more. I don't think I would have minded one bit if Baralai tore my clothes off right then and there and laid me on his kitchen counter.

What the hell do you think you're doing? You need to stop him! My mind screamed at me.

"B-Baralai..." I stammered, holding onto my last shred of self control pretty damn well. I clenched my teeth and almost lost that last bit as I felt his body press firmly up against mine.

"Hm?" His chest thrummed against my back at that simple reply. The soft kisses he trailed down my neck made my knees want to buckle.

"I...I need you to...to stop...please," I stammered, nervously fidgeting against him.

His movements halted instantly upon my request. I breathed a sigh of relief as I felt his body move away from mine and, without even thinking about it, my magic took over and made me disappear for the first time in five years. As I was disappearing I moved away from him so he wouldn't be able to get a hold of me.

"Paine, no!" Baralai gasped, lunging for the place I was last standing only to meet empty air.

I swiftly but slowly moved around him and went into the living room. I stood there in front of the couch for who knows how long watching him search room after room of his large house for me. I retreated to the far corner of his living room and wedged myself into the corner standing as still as a statue, my eyes the only thing moving. Finally, Baralai gave up his search and collapsed to his knees in the middle of his living room.

"Paine, please, I'm sorry," he whispered, before getting up and walking out the front door.

I stood stock still, staring at the floor for many long moments, torn between staying right where I was or going after him. I knew that I had done the right thing by stopping him but pulling the disappearing act probably wasn't the brightest idea. I sighed and let go of the magic keeping me invisible.

I looked down at my hands and clenched them tightly into fists. I needed to go let off some steam somehow. I rushed into my room and fished a random Garment Grid out of my bag before leaving Baralai's house, not really knowing nor caring where I was going. Finally, after walking for who knows how long, I had ended up near Bevelle Temple or, rather, the Bevelle Temple Training Grounds. A large group of Warrior Monks were sparring a few meters away from where I was standing. Just what I need. Wonder if they want to play?

I walked up to the man who looked like their captain and greeted him. He was about a foot taller than me with sandy colored hair and deep blue eyes. "Hello, Sir."

The man turned to look at me, his brows furrowing when he saw my state of dress. "What can I do ya for?" He asked, his voice rough.

"I was wondering if I could spar with your troop," I said, folding my arms over my stomach.

The captain snickered, amused that I, a lowly woman, would even consider sparring with a group of trained men. "You gotta be kiddin' me sweetheart," he said, turning fully towards me.

"No, Sir, I kid you not."

"Prove it," he replied, chuckling even more.

I snickered a small amount to myself. "Oh, I will," I said, a wide smirk appearing on my face.

The captain laughed even more and halted his men. He didn't really have to, almost all of them had stopped as soon as I had walked up to their captain. "This lady wants to test all of your skills. What say you? Want to show this woman what you're all made of?"

All the Warrior Monks cheered in agreement, welcoming my challenge. "Why, thank you," I said, activating my Garment Grid. "You won't be disappointed." Once I had fully sphere changed into the Berserker the monks looked as though they were having second thoughts about sparring with me. I guess I'll just have to do a little provoking. I smirked and grazed my tongue seductively over my fangs, a growl rumbling deep in my chest. "Who's first?"

The monks, who had been sparring with wooden staffs before I arrived, threw them to the ground, figuring because I had no weapons that this was going to be a hand to hand match. Two broke away from the rest of the group and charged towards me, fists at the ready. Before I realized what I was doing, I crouched down then sprang up into the air, my right foot connecting with the first Warrior Monk's chin as I did a graceful back flip.

When I landed I was almost taken off guard by the one that was still upright. He tried taking me down with an uppercut but I quickly dove to the side and rolled out of the way. Two more broke away and tried ambushing me while I was still trying to get up. Oh no you don't. I planted both my hands and feet on the ground and shot myself towards the two monks that were running towards me, slamming my hands in the middle of their chests and knocking them onto their backs as I flew past them.

Once I was back on my feet the one that I had dodged appeared right in front of me, getting ready to send a punch flying my way. I readied myself and blocked a few of his punches before I grabbed his right fist and flipped him over my back. I had to keep reminding myself to refrain from using my claws. We're only sparring after all. I don't want to end up killing one of them. Every few minutes I would feel myself try to strike one of the monks with my claws and I had to quickly ball my hand into a fist to prevent myself from hurting them too badly.

Before I knew it the match was over. All the Warrior Monks had obviously had enough after being spanked twice in a row by a woman. I walked back over to the captain, who was standing there with a satisfied smirk on his face. "From the way you were dressed earlier I thought you had a death wish. You did a pretty damn good job."

"Naturally," I said with a smile, crossing my arms.

The captain chuckled and averted his eyes to a point behind me. "You've had a pretty captive audience almost the whole time."

I frowned and turned my head, already knowing who it was and not surprised when I saw Baralai standing at the edge of the training grounds. He's been watching me the whole time? I looked back at the captain and nodded. "Thank you."

"No thanks needed. We'll be here if you ever decide to come back."

"I just might have to take you up on that offer," I said as I walked away.

The dark skinned Praetor was wearing an expression that could only be described as amazement. "I didn't know you could fight like that," he said, any trace of what happened earlier gone.

"You missed a lot while I was a Gullwing," I replied, walking past him.

"Do you enjoy reminding me?" He asked, falling in step beside me.

I bit down on the tip of my tongue, a little embarrassed about what I was about to say to him. "Believe it or not...but I missed you the most those two years after we were separated."

Baralai was silent for a few moments and I was mentally cursing myself for breaking my vow of not leading him on. You could only imagine how surprised I was when he answered me. "You know...same here," he replied softly, his hand reaching over to wrap around mine.

I stared down at my hand in shock like it had somehow betrayed me. You're crumbling, Paine. You're crumbling like a rusty machina. My arm tightened and I was getting ready to pull my hand away when he roughly pushed me against a wall and smashed his mouth into mine. My eyes became as big as Blitzballs, my brain still trying to register that Baralai was kissing me. Oh, sweet Shiva...

My body went lax and melted against his, my muscles refusing to obey any of my commands. I felt myself relaxing into his kiss, even starting to return it. Kissing him again just felt so damn good. It was like a drug that I had been deprived of for three years and now that I had it again I never wanted to let it go. I didn't even care if anybody saw us. The priests or the council be damned.

I was playing tug of war with myself in my mind and the rational side was quickly losing ground. If I didn't do something fast...well I was pretty sure where we would end up. With the last sliver of my quickly dissolving self control, I let a low growl rise up from the pit of my stomach as I pushed him away.

"Baralai..." I said, the growl still present in my voice. His deep brown eyes widened when he saw my fangs bared at him. "Stop."

"Paine, I - "

"No!" I roared. "No, Baralai, you know what I have to do! You know what's going to happen to me!" I stood there staring at him and breathing heavily until I turned away from and dashed off towards his house, only one thing on my mind the entire way: the fact that I was actually falling in love with him.

I stormed into Baralai's house and locked myself in my room. Maybe coming here to live with him wasn't such a good idea after all. I knew something like this was bound to happen. I angrily rummaged around in my bag, sorting through my Garment Grids and finally settling on the Black Mage. I paced around my room in a huff, trying to figure out what I was going to do with both Baralai and The Invisible.

I strode over to the window seat and let out my anger on a throw pillow, mercilessly burning it into a pile of ashes. I had a mind to pack my things and take my chances with The Invisible but I wasn't strong enough yet. I had no choice but to stay here and train. I'll just have to talk some sense into that thick headed Praetor.

I sat fuming in the window seat for what seemed like hours, my anger refusing to be burnt out. I turned a deaf ear to Baralai's pleas to come out and talk to him. Eventually he gave up and retreated to his office, presumably to finish that large pile of paperwork. By the time the sun had begun to set all my anger toward the man in the other room had finally burnt itself out. I felt compelled to go apologize but my pride kept getting in the way. By the time I got up enough gumption to go into his office and talk to him it was pitch black outside, except for the meager light the moon gave off.

I sighed and trudged out of my room, staring at the light coming from underneath Baralai's office door. At least I knew that he hadn't gone to bed yet. I think I stood in front of his door for at least ten minutes having a staring contest with the doorknob. It seemed to take all the strength I had in me just to lift my hand and turn the knob. I took a deep breath and stepped inside his office, keeping my eyes downcast until I had shut the door behind me. A quiet smile found its way onto my face when I saw him slumped over his desk, fast asleep.

I quietly tip-toed over to the right side of his desk and gingerly settled myself on top of it. His head was resting on his crossed arms, part of his face hidden by the large sleeves of his Praetor robe. His powder white hair was messy and hanging in his face, his blue bandanna laying forgotten on his desk. It may have been the lighting or the fact that I had never actually seen him sleep before but...he looked so much more captivating when he slept. His long dark eyelashes swept his cheeks and small wisps of his hair fell over his face, making him look almost child-like.

I bit my bottom lip and reached out with a quivering hand, softly sweeping his bangs away from his right eye. I gasped and jerked my hand away when he stirred, groaning sleepily. His eyelids fluttered open and when he saw me he jumped to full attentiveness, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Paine," he said, his voice thick. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I didn't mean to wake you," I said, looking away from him. "Sorry."

"No, it's alright," he replied, leaning back in his chair and yawning lazily.

An awkward silence passed over us then, neither of us able to think of anything to say. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I was doing a pretty good job at looking at everything else though. Thankfully, Baralai was the first one to say something.

"Paine, I'm sorry about earlier. I overreacted. I shouldn't have kissed you."

"You're right," I said, finally looking at him. "You shouldn't have done that." I sighed and walked back around to the front of his desk, keeping my back to him. "In fact, I don't think you should have invited me to come live with you."

"Paine, why - "

"Do you know what this is doing to me, Baralai?" I exclaimed, rounding on him. "Do you have any idea how bad this is tearing me up inside?" I slammed my hands down on his desk and glared hard at him, my eyes burning like a pair of red hot coals.

Baralai stared at me in shock before hunching forward on his desk, resting his head in his hands. He sighed in frustration and roughly dragged his hands down his face before folding them under his chin. "I'm sorry, Paine. I just...I can't deny my feelings for you any longer."

"Well, Baralai, you're going to have to keep denying those feelings because in less than a month I'm going to be another puppet on Kaiser's string. I'd say that starting something with you wouldn't be the smartest thing considering what I have to do." My eyes widened as my brain registered what I had just said. I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek and quickly spun away from him, cursing myself for opening my big mouth.

"What do you mean, Paine?" He asked, getting up and coming to stand behind me.

"Nothing," I replied, not feeling like telling him that I was charged with killing him for my rite of passage assignment. "Forget I said anything."

I went to walk out of his office and back into my room when Baralai rushed past me and held the door shut with his hand, blocking my only way out. "No, Paine, I can't just forget it. What are they going to make you do?"

I looked away from his penetrating stare and fumed. "You don't want to know that, Baralai. Trust me." I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Please get out of the way."

"No," he said, folding his arms across his chest. "I can tell that something has been bothering you. Why can't you tell me?"

My bangs fell in my face as I turned my head to look at him and I aggressively pushed them back into place. "Why can't you drop it?" I said, raising my voice. "I don't have to tell you anything! Now get out of my way!"

I reached out towards him with my mind and wrapped my telekinetic energy around him. I held him in place then slithered my way around him and out the door. My emotions were in a whirlwind of confusion. I had no idea what I was feeling at the moment. I didn't know that the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach was guilt and the constricting tightness in my chest was heart break. I had done nothing less than outright reject him. But denying telling him your rite of passage assignment was the right thing to do. You're only protecting him, the logical part of my mind reasoned as I put my pajamas on.

"Yeah," I said aloud, agreeing with my mind. "I'm protecting him."

"Protecting me from what?" Baralai said from my doorway.

I gasped in surprise and whirled around, looking very much like a deer caught in the headlights. Holy Shiva, how does he do that? "Nothing," I said, keeping up the lie.

"Paine, it's not nothing! Why won't you tell me? Don't shut me out! I can help you!" He yelled, gesturing in the air with exasperation.

That's when I lost it. My anger flared so hot right then that I was shocked fire wasn't pouring out of my mouth. "No, you can't!" I screamed back. "There is nothing you can do to help me with this! I've always been alone in everything I ever did and I'm going to be alone in this too!"

I was out of breath after I had finished my tirade. I was shocked that all of that had come flying out of my mouth. Baralai seemed unfazed by all of it, his face was set in stone and unreadable to me. Yelling at him was the last thing I wanted to do but I just wanted him to drop it. I didn't want him to know.

Baralai finally sighed heavily and leaned up against the door jam, clearly at a loss for what to say. A million emotions flew across his face in just a few short seconds but before I could identify any of them they were gone. He wants you to let him in, my mind told me. He wants to help you.

I don't need his help, I said back. I can handle this by myself. He doesn't need to be burdened with my problems.

My mind didn't offer a comeback either because I tuned it out completely or because Baralai had started talking. I almost started to tune him out as well but I knew that I needed to listen to him.

"I know that you probably don't want to hear this but...I really do care about you. More than you know."

Before I had the chance to say anything back he had already left my room and closed the door behind him. I think I sat staring at that blasted door for at least two hours. I was still planted in the same spot when Baralai went to bed.

About half an hour after I heard him disappear into his room, I finally got up enough courage to slink in and curl up next to him under the covers. I tentatively wrapped my arm across his bare chest and laid my head on his shoulder. I froze when he sighed and his head fell against mine but relaxed a few seconds later. I knew what I was doing just destroyed all the walls I had attempted to erect but, frankly, I didn't care. Kaiser be damned.