Chapter IX
Turning Point
I snapped to attention like a nightmare had awoken me. I looked around, panting, with a dazed look in my eyes. I was in the Crusader's Lodge and it was still daylight, which meant that I hadn't been unconscious for very long.
"Paine!"
I jumped when both Rikku and Yuna rushed to my side, their eyes wide with worry.
"Are you okay?" Rikku asked, staring into my face intently.
I nodded and rubbed my temples, the echo of my headache bouncing off the inside of my skull. "I think I'll live. How long have I been out?"
"Well, after we saw you kill that Behemoth you were out for about five minutes before you started to wake up but then you were out again before we knew it. You've only been in here for an hour."
My eyes widened in shock. Only one hour? I should have been out for much longer than that. "Where's the guys?" I asked, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and trying to stand up.
"They're waiting with Wakka and Lulu. I'll go get 'em." Rikku jumped up and ran out of the Lodge before I had a chance to stop her.
Once everyone was gathered around me I resigned myself to telling them why exactly I was fighting a fiend that was indigenous only to Mt. Gagazet and Zanarkand. "Roland showed up out of nowhere and gave me another cryptic message then left a Behemoth for me to play with."
"What was the message?" Rikku asked, resting her right hand on her hip.
My eyes quickly flicked in Baralai's direction, knowing that he knew exactly what the message was. I had no idea what he thought about it but I was pretty sure I would hear about it later. I looked back at Rikku and shook my head. "It was nothing important. Just more bullshit."
Yuna and everyone believed me easily enough but Baralai sent me a look that said differently. I was downplaying exactly how important that message was and he knew it. I looked away from his penetrating stare and was about to bring up the fact that we should continue with our scavenger hunt when Rikku beat me to it.
"Well, we can't let this spoil our fun! Come on, Gippy!" The blonde exclaimed, grabbing Gippal's hand and dragging him out of the Lodge.
Yuna gave me a reassuring smile and patted my shoulder. "I'm glad you're feeling better and that you're not hurt. I'll see you in a little while okay?" She said as her and Tidus began to walk away.
I nodded. "Yeah," I replied, sending a meek wave her way.
Yuan smiled and waved back before turning and grabbing Tidus' hand, lacing her fingers with his. I breathed in deeply and slowly exhaled as I watched Yuna and Tidus disappear behind the Lodge's flaps.
A small part of my lonely heart wished it had something like that, someone to call its own, and there was a small part of my mind that was starting to agree with it. One corner of my mouth twitched up into a small half-smile as an image of Baralai and I walking hand in hand like Yuna and Rikku did with their other halves slid into my head. I shook my head vigorously, trying to shake that traitorous image right out of it. I shouldn't be thinking about things like that right now.
"I guess we should get going too," I said, walking past Baralai and towards our next destination. Baralai nodded and followed me, but kept his distance. Probably so he doesn't fly off the handle, I thought with a chuckle.
After four more hours of following clues, doing challenges with Yuna and Rikku and going through obstacle courses set up in the jungle all of my dresspheres were back with me, including my Warrior outfit.
And I seriously thought that my legs were going to fall off.
All of us girls were freshening up in Yuna's hut while the guys were doing the same in Wakka and Lulu's. After I had taken my shower and fixed my hair I went back to the Lodge so I could put my dresspheres back into their respective Garment Grids. Rikku followed me in a few minutes later, her long blonde hair still soaking wet.
"Dinner is going to start in an hour. Yunie said she wants to eat inside the temple."
I nodded. "Alright, is there anything special I'm supposed to wear?"
A crafty smile crawled onto Rikku's face and I knew I wasn't going to like what she was going to say. "Baralai's going to tell you what to wear."
Before I could offer any kind of retort, Rikku spun on her heels and marched right out of the Lodge. Baralai came in a few seconds after she left and, without saying a word, opened up my duffel bag then tossed me one of my glowing dresspheres. I groaned inwardly when I saw that it was the Lady Luck.
"I want you to wear that," he said, a smirk decorating his face.
"Why did I have a feeling that you were going to pick this one?"
"I know that I said your Warrior outfit is my favorite but this one just makes you look so...so much more captivating." He whispered the last few words and I had to fight back to impulse to pull him to me and kiss him right there. He could definitely make a woman want him in the worst way if he tried hard enough.
So to mask the butterflies that were ricocheting around in my stomach I let a sly smile curl my lips upwards as I readied a comment of my own. I crossed my arms over my chest and took a few steps towards him. "That's why I never wanted to wear this one around you," I said, indicating the glowing orange sphere in my hand.
"And why is that?" He questioned, closing the gap between us.
"Because I knew - "
"Painey! Are you ready yet?" Damn you, Rikku, and your horrible lack of patience!
I felt the corners of my eyes and my fingers twitch. All these interruptions were driving me insane! It was like everybody knew when Baralai and I were having a moment so they had to rush in and stop it. Is there any place in Spira where we can get some privacy? My eyes met Baralai's and I could see my exact thoughts mirrored in his chocolate irises. "Almost, Rikku," I answered, hoping my tone would stop any further questioning. I sighed in relief when I heard silence on her end.
"What are you going to wear to dinner?" I asked, walking around him and fishing around in my bag for the Garment Grid that Baralai had pulled the Lady Luck out of, our moment of privacy broken yet again.
"I brought my dress robes," he replied, going to his bag and sifting through the contents. "I've only worn them a few times so I'm glad I have an opportunity to wear them."
I nodded as I set the dressphere into the empty indentation. A soft glow emanated from the spheres, casting my face in a pale orange light as I began sphere changing into Baralai's dressphere of choice. I could feel his eyes on me as my clothes shifted, especially the spot below my breasts where the small red diamond sat.
"You know," I began as I placed my Garment Grid back in my bag amongst all the others. "it's impolite to stare."
Baralai chuckled as he picked up his dress robes and undergarments before walking into the front room to dress in private. I, on the other hand, stood in front of a mirror that was hanging on the wall in between the beds fixing my hair and trying not to think about what the dark skinned Praetor looked like naked. Stop it, Paine! Remember what you have to do!
Baralai walked into the room a few minutes later, dressed in loose fitting black slacks and a black and dark green silk robe. A dark green bandanna had replaced his regular blue one.
"Green is definitely your color," I said before going back to fixing my hair.
"Thank you," he replied, sitting down on his bed to put on his shoes.
Rikku took it upon herself to come into the Lodge without announcing her presence, which wasn't a problem to me because I could feel her coming towards us as soon as she stepped out of Yuna's hut. I had to award her silent applause, though, for sneaking into the Lodge so easily; I barely heard her footsteps when she came in. Probably trying to catch Baralai and me in the act, I thought, rolling my eyes.
"We're almost ready, Rikku," I said, not giving the blonde a chance to say anything. A thought occurred to me and I quickly turned my head so I could see which dressphere Gippal had picked out for her to wear. "The Gun Mage, huh?"
She nodded and looked down at her clothes. "Yeah, I have no idea why he likes this one."
I smirked and walked away from the mirror, crossing my arms. "Are we ready?" I asked Baralai, who had just finished putting his shoes on.
He nodded and rose from the bed, straightening his silk robes. "I suppose," he replied, stepping forward and offering me his arm.
I slipped my hand into the crook of his elbow and we followed Rikku over to the temple. Gippal was standing next to the entrance with his hands clasped tightly behind his back. He was wearing a mint green dress shirt and a pair of beige slacks with matching beige shoes. Rikku bounced over to him and threw her arms around his neck.
"You look so handsome, Gippy!" She exclaimed, giving him a peck on the cheek.
Gippal ruffled Rikku's mane of messy blonde hair before smiling at Baralai and I. "Hey, guys. Paine, you're looking lovely this evening," he said, wrapping his arm around Rikku's waist.
"Thank you, Gippal. I don't think I've ever seen you so dressed up before," I replied as we walked into the temple together.
Gippal was about to say something but Rikku quickly slapped her hand over his mouth. "Don't believe a word he says, Paine! I had to force him to wear this! It was like pulling teeth!"
"Not true!" Gippal exclaimed as he reached for Rikku's sides and tickled her.
Rikku squealed and ran off to the small room that was on the left side of the stairs that led to the Cloister of Trials. Baralai and I exchanged knowing glances and followed Gippal, who had decided not to chase after Rikku.
Rikku, Yuna and Tidus were already seated around the table when we entered. The table was low to the ground so we could sit on the many pillows and cushions that surrounded it. Yuna sat cross legged on the side facing the entrance and smiled at us, patting the cushion on her left side. As I was walking around the table to take my seat beside the ex-summoner I noticed that she was wearing the outfit she wore two years ago when she defeated Sin. I sent her a warm smile as I sat down.
Yuna said all the food had been prepared by an elderly couple that knew her since she came to live in Besaid when she was ten. "They even offered to make the food for the reception," she said with a small smile.
"So what kind of ceremony do you want, Yunie? We can't really do one centered around Yevon," Rikku said as she ate.
"Well, I was going to leave that for Baralai to decide," the brunette said, sending the young Praetor a knowing glance.
"You're authorized to be an officiate right, Lai?" Gippal asked, leaning forward to look at his comrade.
He nodded and took a sip of his wine to help wash his food down. "I am."
Yuna giggled. "Then I hope you wouldn't mind marrying us?" She asked as she held Tidus' hand.
"I wouldn't mind at all. I'd be honored, Lady Yuna," he replied professionally.
During the course of the meal I caught myself staring at Baralai like I used to when we were in the Squad. The green bandanna in his hair emphasized his eyes and I couldn't help but stare at them. Once dinner was over Rikku and Yuna held me back, telling the men that we would meet them in Wakka and Lulu's hut for desert.
"So Paine," Rikku began, sitting down on my left side while Yuna sat on my right. "what's going on between you and Baralai?"
I frowned. "What do you mean? Nothing's going on," I replied, already not liking where this conversation was going.
"Don't play dumb with me, Paine! You know exactly what I mean!" She exclaimed, shoving her finger in my face.
I sighed and looked away from her penetrating stare. "We just want to see you happy, Paine. You deserve it," Yuna said, laying her hand on my shoulder and squeezing it softly.
"I appreciate it," I began, expertly shying my shoulder away from Yuna's touch. "but right now isn't the time for me to thinking about my own happiness."
Yuna pursed her lips and her eyes left mine for a short period of time. Rikku breathed in, more than likely to say something, but Yuna quickly rose her hand, inhibiting the blonde's speech. The brunette's face was set in stone when she turned back to look at me, the first time I had ever seen her face so expressionless.
"Paine, everything that's been going on hasn't just been affecting you."
"I know this, Yuna," I replied, irritation seeping into my voice.
"But do you realize exactly what Baralai is going through?" I inadvertently cringed away from Yuna's words like they had physically stung me. I had never heard the ex-summoner's voice sound so calloused, so cold. "I see the way he looks at you, Paine. I see in his eyes what he goes through every time he looks at you and I'm surprised that you can't see it as well."
I involuntarily hung my head, hunkering it down between my shoulders like I had been turned into a small child under their father's punishing glance. A hot flare of anger suddenly flashed down my spine, setting every nerve it touched on fire.
"What do you want me to do then, Yuna?" I hissed, my eyes narrowing into tiny slits. "Do you seriously think that I would start something with him when I know that I won't be around to finish it? I care enough for Baralai that I won't subjugate him to something like that."
I started to get up, tired of being belittled by my two best friends, but before I could get very far Rikku reached up and grabbed my arm, pulling me back down. "Paine, that's not what we're trying to say."
"Then what are you trying to say, Rikku?" I asked, rounding on her.
"Instead of letting this hang over your head like a storm cloud and make both yours and Baralai's lives even harder you should just...live in the moment. Be happy while you can and figure everything else out later."
I shook my head, appalled that Rikku would even think something like that. I held my tongue though. "Why don't we just go eat desert?" I suggested, getting up and leading the way out of the temple.
We met up with Baralai, Gippal and Tidus outside the temple. Baralai sent me a questioning glance when he saw my strained expression but I shook my head and whispered that I would tell him later. He nodded and once again offered his arm to me, leading me towards Wakka and Lulu's hut.
Desert consisted of a large cake that had 'Congratulations Tidus and Yuna' scrawled across the surface with fluffy icing, fruit parfaits and a lot of champagne. As Rikku happily chattered away, telling stories about Yuna's pilgrimage, I found myself pondering what her and Yuna had talked with me about. I glanced at Baralai out of the corner of my eye and bit the inside of my cheek. I did want to make Baralai happy but I was scared about what would happen to him once The Invisible took me. What would he do? How far would he go to protect me? If we became involved with each other he would feel even more obligated to keep me way from them, to keep me protected.
There was also a small part of me, the selfish part, that held onto the image of Baralai and I walking hand in hand. Warmth emanated from my chest at the memory before I even knew what was happening. I was startled and confused by this new feeling; I wasn't sure what to make of it. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, settling more comfortably into the cushions of Wakka and Lulu's couch. Another reason why I didn't want to get involved with Baralai was my rite of passage assignment: the assassination of the New Yevon Praetor. I would rather end my own life than be forced to take his.
"Are you alright?" Baralai asked, leaning over and whispering in my ear. His warm breath made a shiver shoot down my spine.
"I'm fine," I reassured him, patting his hand. "I just...have a lot on my mind."
Before I could place my hand back in my lap he quickly captured it, softly caressing the back with his thumb. My cheeks flushed a small amount and I realized that I liked it when he touched me, enjoyed it even.
"I'm hoping we'll get the opportunity to talk more privately later," he whispered again and I was suddenly aware of the intoxicating scent of his cologne.
I smiled and nodded. "So do I." Only after I had said those words did I realize that I actually meant them. I actually wanted to be alone with him and the thought of it made my head spin.
He squeezed my hand and I was slightly surprised – and a little glad – that he didn't let go. His warm hand expertly maneuvered itself so that our fingers were laced together and I felt another blush color my cheeks. I gazed at our linked hands and was shocked that I was actually enjoying the physical contact. I came dangerously close to pulling the glove off of my hand about four times so nothing was in the way, but I went back on it every time, not wanting to spoil the moment.
Just when I thought I would be doomed to sit listening to stories I knew nothing about for the rest of the night Rikku stifled a yawn and brought the party to a close. I caught myself from audibly sighing in relief.
"Before you go back to Bevelle tomorrow," Rikku began, "make sure you come over here so Lulu can get your measurements. Then you'll have to come back here at least a week before the wedding to make sure your dress fits, okay?"
"Sure," I replied. "See you in the morning, Rikku."
Baralai led me back to the Lodge, his hand never leaving the base of my back.
Once we were back inside the Lodge I securely tied the flaps together with three different knots, ensuring that nobody would disturb us. When I met Baralai's gaze I knew he was thinking the exact same thing.
"You said you wanted to talk to me about something?" I questioned, coming to stand in front of him.
"A few things actually," he replied, escorting me into the back room with him. He sat down on his bed and pulled me into his lap before I had the chance to object. Not like I really would anyways. "I don't get very many chances to have a private conversation with you and I'm going to take advantage of it." He paused and cocked his head, staring intently at my face. "Will you promise me something?"
I took a deep breath and tried to relax in his arms. "Depends," I replied, managing to keep my voice calm.
My favorite smile decorated his face and only made him look that much more gorgeous in the dim light of the Lodge. I couldn't help but smile back. His expression softened and he brushed my cheek with his fingertips. "I don't really appreciate it when you force me to go find our friends when there's trouble and leave you to fend for yourself. Next time you're in trouble promise me you'll let me help you. There's a reason why I was in the Crimson Squad you know. Will you promise me?"
I felt a blush creep up my neck and I tried to hide it by turning my head away and clamping my hand over my face. I dragged my hand down my cheeks, hoping to drag all the blood away but knowing that wouldn't happen. "Yes, I promise. And I'm sorry. It's just...I would never be able to forgive myself if something were to happen to you. It would be all my fault." I was rather surprised that I found the gumption to say that. Opening up to him was getting easier and easier, but I didn't consider that a good thing.
"And I would never be able to forgive myself if you got hurt when I could have been there to prevent it. I wish you would let me in here," he said, tapping my forehead with his index finger. "Maybe then I would understand."
"You don't want to get inside my head," I told him, flicking my bangs out of my eyes.
"And why is that?" He questioned, his arms tightening around my waist.
"You wouldn't like it," I replied, shaking my head. "The things I've seen, the things I've done...the things I have yet to do." I whispered the last part so silently that even I barely heard it.
"What are you really scared of? What is it that makes you reluctant to let me in?" He whispered into my ear.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Those were the questions that I was hoping he wouldn't ask because the answers were so painfully true. "Have you ever heard the stories of a tragic hero that falls in love even though he knows he can't? He's scared of his enemies finding the object of his affection and using them to exploit his weakness? I don't want you to be my weakness, Baralai. If Kaiser or any of the others were holding a knife to your throat or a gun to your head I wouldn't be able to stop myself from doing whatever they want just to keep you safe."
We were silent for a long time as we stared into each other's eyes. I tried to read the emotions on his face to determine his reaction to my words but I couldn't make out a thing. His face was surprisingly empty. Just when I thought I wouldn't get any kind of reaction out of him his soft lips smashed into mine with such force that I would have fallen right out of his lap if he hadn't been holding onto me so tight.
He had taken me totally off guard and, at first, I didn't know what to do. I sat frozen in his arms for almost a minute before I gave in and melted into his chest. My mind was screaming about ten different profanities at me but I was too far gone to even consider listening. It felt so remarkable to kiss him again that I had to remind myself not to get caught up in the moment and lose my head. His hands felt clammy as they grazed across the base of my back and my hips. He's probably just as nervous as you are, my mind whispered.
I was reluctant to move my hands away from where they were gripping his shoulders because I knew that if I did they would start shaking. A few times I caught myself thinking I was in the middle of a very pleasant dream and that I would wake up any second. I kept thinking that what we were doing couldn't possibly be real. I had only dreamed of something like this happening in some of my wildest fantasies. In my mind it was too good to be true.
His skin was just as soft, just as smooth as I remembered it. The scent of it still knocked me off my feet and intoxicated my every sense. It took every thread of my self control to not rip those fancy dress robes of his right off his god like body.
Baralai was the one to break off the kiss first. He moved only far enough away so our lips were still touching, but barely. His deep brown eyes, that were suddenly so breathtakingly beautiful to me, were wide with shock, probably just as unbelieving as I was over what we had just done. The kiss was innocent – at least that's how I see it – but so many different things had been building to the tension between us since him and I talked on Besaid not even a week ago. So many things that I knew I should have prevented, so many things that I should have put a stop to but didn't.
That's because you wanted this to happen. That realization alone made my heart start pounding. I bit down on the inside of my bottom lip, thanking Shiva that he couldn't hear my thoughts.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, breaking me out of my revere. "I shouldn't have done that."
He tried turning his head away from me but I quickly pressed my hand to his warm cheek and made him look at me. I stared into his eyes for a few seconds before speaking. "Shut up and kiss me, Baralai."
His whole body relaxed as his lips met mine once again. This time he wasn't as hesitant, wasn't as reluctant to keep going. I knew that, as his touches became less innocent and more and more erotic, a part of him really did love me in some way. And I was thinking that maybe I loved him back, but I couldn't admit that to myself just yet. I didn't want to put both of us through that kind of emotional roller coaster unless I absolutely had to.
The dark cloud that had been looming over my head was totally forgotten as Baralai's hands flew across my skin, setting every nerve, every pore on fire. The pleasure I got from him just touching me was enough to make me squirm in his lap. His touch was so gentle, so careful like he thought I was made out of porcelain. His feather like touch made shiver after shiver shoot down my spine. I never wanted him to stop touching me. I wanted his skin against mine for the rest of my life.
His mouth left mine to trail kisses down my neck and across my collar bones. I slowly wove my hands through his downy white hair and slid the bandanna off his head, dropping it on the floor behind me. I gripped his hair as his hungry mouth nipped at the sensitive skin of my neck, his hot tongue dancing across my right shoulder in lazy circles.
Somehow I had managed to maneuver myself so I was straddling him and our hands were acting of their own accord by starting to undress the other. I had managed to get his robe halfway undone and, at the rate that he was stripping me, my Garment Grid would soon deactivate, leaving me totally naked. That one thought should have stopped me in my tracks, but I frankly didn't care at the moment. All my self control and logical thinking had jumped ship long ago.
I took a deep breath and got a small amount of my senses back to try and form coherent words, but just as I was about to speak his lips crashed back into mine, almost completely obliterating the little self control I had gotten back. I softly placed my hand against his cheek and broke off the kiss.
"Baralai, wait," I rasped, taking another deep breath to calm down my erratic breathing and racing heart.
"What?" He replied, just as breathless as I was.
"Is this really what you want, Baralai?" I had to ask. I just had to know.
"What do you mean, Paine? Of course it is!" He said, confusion laced in his voice.
"I mean do you really want to start something when I'm going to be turned into a mindless killer in a few weeks? Do you really want to set yourself up for something like that?"
Baralai was silent for a few seconds, weighing the choices in his head. He sighed and cupped my face with both of his hands, resting his forehead against mine. "Yes, I think so. I've wanted you for years. Having you for a few weeks is much too short but I'll find a way to get you back. I promise."
I averted my eyes away from his and sighed. One half of me was happy that he had accepted me while the other wasn't. That half of me wished that he would stay away from me and totally forget about me when I was taken to become a member of The Invisible and that, when the time came for my rite of passage, his death would be a swift one.
I cleared my throat and shook off all my dark thoughts. "Let's not talk about this anymore," I mumbled as I pushed him back on the bed. "Tonight is ours and I'm not going to spoil it." I captured his mouth in another kiss and we picked up right where we left off.
