Chapter XII
Torn
The words Gwen had said to me echoed through my mind as I sat, still in Baralai's backyard, trying to figure out what to do. One part of me, and a large one at that, wanted nothing more than to follow Gwen's advice and resign myself to my fate early.
"No, I can't do that to Yuna," I whispered to myself, my head in my hands. "...or Baralai." The other part of me felt like I was connected to him with a million different strings, strings made out of iron.
I fisted my hands into my hair, literally tearing myself in two. Gwen was absolutely right; I knew that things would only get worse if I continued to delay. I was living on borrowed time that I was swiftly running out of.
"I don't love him." I chanted those words over and over, thinking they would come true if I said them enough. "I don't."
Why was it so hard, then, for me to get up and leave? If I don't love him why can't I leave him behind? Was seeing Yuna get married the only reason that I was lingering? I sighed in frustration as I leaned my head back against the trunk of the tree. The sky had darkened considerably since I had last looked at it and my thoughts immediately went to Baralai.
I got up off the ground and looked back towards the house, not surprised in the least that none of the lights, inside or out, were on. It was still broad day light out when I left so I hadn't turned anything on. I sighed heavily and leaned my shoulder up against the tree I had been sitting in front of for the past five or six hours, wondering if I should go visit Baralai at his office. The thought of infuriating Idalia even more made me chuckle under my breath, but I didn't hold anything against her. She was sweet, but so damn gullible.
I took my time walking to his office. A few of the priests and acolytes I passed on my way there shot me wary glances and even whispered to each other under their breath when they thought I was out of ear shot. I quickly picked their brains to figure out what they were saying and discovered that Idalia had been spreading not so nice rumors about me. I chuckled, more humored than offended. Actually, I wasn't offended at all.
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," I mumbled as I entered Baralai's office.
Baralai smiled at me and, as I was walking past the small desk that had been set up for Idalia, I heard her mumble something unintelligible under her breath. One corner of my mouth curled up as I heard it through her mind loud and clear. Baralai sent me a questioning look as I came around and sat on the edge of his desk.
I put my mouth next to his ear. "I don't think your new secretary likes me very much." His expression became even more confused and I didn't have to read his mind to know what he was thinking. I tapped the side of my head in response and he nodded his head, understanding.
"Idalia, you can go home now. You've done enough for tonight," Baralai said, pulling a few sheets of paper out of a bin on his desk. "Bring these to the council chambers first, please. They should still be there."
She quickly rose from her desk and shuffled forwards, collecting the papers. "Yes, Sir," she said, before turning towards the door. Her long robe made quiet swishing noises on the stone floor as she walked.
I crossed my arms over my chest as I casually sifted through her thoughts, not being able to help the ironic smile that crept onto my face at what I heard. "Oh, now she's going to go tattle on us," I said after she had disappeared behind the door. "I think we might be in trouble later."
"I'm not worried about it," Baralai replied, rubbing his eyes. "As long as I get everything done that I have to the council doesn't mind if I go visit my parents."
"That's not what she's going to tattle on us about."
"What else could there be?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion once more.
"She's going to tell the council about our relationship. She thinks that I'll get in trouble and that I don't deserve to be with you." I paused as I flicked my bangs out of my eyes. "You know, all of this could have been avoided if you wouldn't have kissed me in front of her the other day."
A distracted smile made the corners of his mouth pull up. "It's going to take me a while to get used to the fact that you can hear everyone's thoughts." He paused to scribble a few sentences onto the paperwork in front of him. I sat in companionable silence beside him, watching him write. I felt an impulse to listen to what he was thinking about but I held myself back. Why, I had no idea.
"Can you hear my thoughts?" He asked suddenly.
I stared into his eyes for a few seconds before I registered what he had said. "I'm pretty sure I could if I wanted to," I answered.
"So you've never tried it with me?"
I shook my head and looked away from him. "I've wanted to, but I've always held myself back because I don't want to hear something that I'm not supposed to." Of course that was a lie. I had heard his mind before, even though it hadn't been for very long, but I certainly didn't want him to know that.
He was silent again as he applied his signature to a few of the documents then moved them out of the way so he could access the countless others that were underneath. "I wouldn't mind you know," he said, not looking up.
I frowned and looked at him. I really had no idea what to say to that. It still didn't feel right, even with his consent, to even think about listening to his thoughts. I felt no qualms about invading everybody else's mind so why couldn't I do it to Baralai's as well? I shook my head. I didn't have an answer to that. It went deeper than just invading his privacy or hearing something I wasn't supposed to, much deeper. I just didn't have the answer yet.
Don't lie to yourself.
I scoffed instantly at that thought. Lying to myself I absolutely was not. I wasn't some kind of love sick teenager that had no inkling of what the word love really meant and I also wasn't some kind of love guru either. The only kind of love I had ever experienced was the love that my parents had for me. Besides that, love is a strange and foreign thing to me. I probably wouldn't recognize it even if it slapped me in the face. I don't love him.
"I had another visitor today," I said, getting away from the subject of reading his mind.
His expression was guarded when he looked at me, but I could see the tiniest flinching of his eyebrows and tensing of his jaw. "I'm assuming nothing happened?" He asked, his voice strained.
"No, we just talked." I knew that he was going to start questioning me even though I didn't want him to so I decided just to get it over with. "And they wanted to know why I'm getting involved with you." I looked into his eyes so I could gage his reaction, wondering what he would say.
His left eye twitched as he looked away from my gaze and leaned back in his chair. I suddenly felt...anxious? Expectant? I shook my head and tenderly rubbed my temples, having no idea why I was feeling those things. "That's a very good question." He grew silent once more as he hunched over his desk, swiftly clearing the surface.
Only five short minutes had gone by when he stuffed the remaining papers into the bin on the right corner of his desk. "Well that's all for tonight," he said, getting up and stretching his arms over his head.
I nodded and followed him out of his office, glad that he hadn't said anything else.
I woke up extremely early the next morning, before the sun had even come up. Baralai was still sound asleep beside me. I had to hold myself back from kissing him. He just looked so...serene while he slept, so peaceful. A small smile crawled onto my face as I remembered what he used to look like when he was a little boy. I ripped my eyes away from him and threw the blankets off of me, power walking into the bathroom. I swiftly shut the door behind me and locked it then leaned up against it. I flicked the light on and closed my eyes, waiting for them to adjust.
I have to get out of here. I can't stay here anymore. I'll disappear until Yuna's wedding. I won't put Baralai through this anymore.
I sighed deeply, my mind made up. I would take a quick shower, pack all my things and be gone before Baralai even woke up. "It'll be better this way," I whispered to my reflection.
I took a quick ten minute shower then redressed in my pajamas. I carefully slinked out of the bathroom, relieved that he was still asleep, and entered my room, quickly starting to dress myself in my Warrior outfit. I groaned in frustration when I felt him wake up. I was only half way dressed but I wasn't worried about him seeing me; my back was facing the door.
So when he walked in thirty seconds later I was suddenly wishing I had gotten dressed just a little bit faster.
"Paine?" He said, his voice still thick with sleep. "What are you doing?" I was guessing that he wasn't awake enough to realize that my top half was still unclothed.
"I couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to get an early start. I'm sorry if I woke you up." I clenched my hands into fists to prevent them from shaking and swore under my breath. Now that he was awake my plan was ruined.
What a coward...
I rolled my eyes, begrudgingly agreeing with my mind. Yes, I was a coward. I couldn't look him in the eye and tell him I was leaving because I knew for a fact that I wouldn't be able to handle it, which is why I wanted to beat a hasty retreat while he was asleep. Less painful for both of us that way.
I jumped when I felt his warm hand touch my chilled skin. When my eyes met his I knew that he was suspicious; Baralai was no fool. "You were going to leave, weren't you?"
I unconsciously crossed my arms over my exposed chest as I turned to face him. "I...uh..." I stammered, knowing that I was caught and trying to weasel my way out of trouble. "What makes you think that?"
Baralai ignored my question. "Just tell me why," he said, his eyes furious.
I scowled at him. "Why don't you let me finish getting dressed first?" I shot back, my own eyes beginning to smolder.
He looked about ready to argue but instead took a deep breath and left my room, closing the door behind him. I dropped my arms from my chest and continued to get dressed. He was pretty angry with me, that much was obvious. Whether or not he would stay mad at me was another story all together.
I called Shinra to come pick us up before I left my room to face Baralai's wrath. The young boy genius, of course, was wide awake but Brother was still in a coma. He said it would be quite a while before they would arrive since both him and Buddy had to make sure Brother wouldn't fall asleep at the controls.
I sighed as I turned my communicator off once again. I could hear Baralai rummaging around in the kitchen and I wished that I could stay holed up in my room but I knew that he would come back eventually to make sure that I hadn't jumped out the window. With a resigned sigh I threw my bag over my shoulder and trudged out of my room.
I deposited my bag on the couch and walked into the kitchen, the click of my heels on his tile floor sounding much too loud for my ears. Baralai didn't look up from where he stood in front of the kitchen counter when I entered, a bad sign. He thrust a large mug of coffee at me before going back to stirring sugar and creamer into his.
I took my mug without question and crossed to the sliding glass doors that led out of the dining room. I blew over the surface of my coffee before taking a sip, making a face at how bitter it tasted. I didn't care though. Just as long as I didn't have to go over there.
I saw a flicker of movement in the trees and I narrowed my eyes, trying to pin point it. I gave up after several minutes of scanning the back yard. Whoever was out there was just letting me know that I was still being watched. I wasn't going to go out there again though.
"What we're doing is...stupid," I said, my voice sounding foreign as it broke the silence.
"Why is that?" He replied, his voice flat.
I took a quick sip of my coffee. "Because we're only setting each other up for heart break later down the road." I turned to look at him. "Don't you see that?"
Baralai heaved a great sigh as he continued to idly stir his coffee, which was probably cold by now. He set his mug down and brought his eyes up to meet mine. "I don't think we're being stupid," he replied, a small smile playing on his lips.
"And why do you think that?" I asked, not taking my eyes off of him.
But he didn't answer me. Instead he shook his head, his smile growing larger, before walking towards me and planting a soft kiss on my forehead. I stood there watching him walk away, utterly baffled. I had expected him to be angry. I had expected him to start yelling at me. I had definitely not expected this. His drastic attitude change had me scratching my head in confusion. What brought it on? Earlier in my room it looked like he was about to rip my head off, I thought as I took another drink of my coffee.
Almost two hours later the Celsius finally showed up. Brother was not happy at all and he had no problem showing it, so the ride to Kilika wasn't all that enjoyable. I passed the time by chatting with Shinra, trying not to pay attention to Brother's incessant whining, while Baralai got something to eat in the cabin.
Now that we were on our way to see his parents I was a little apprehensive that they would recognize me for who I used to be. Baralai's mother had always thought of me as the daughter she never had since she had two boys. I could only imagine what she went through when I disappeared.
I tried not to notice when Baralai walked back onto the bridge twenty minutes later. I saw him stop out of the corner of my eye and stare at me. I clenched my teeth and continued to stare at one of Shinra's many computer screens. After a few seconds he continued walking and went to chat with Buddy. My eyes met his a few times throughout the rest of the trip and every time we locked gazes he would be smiling at me, which would only cause me to quickly look away from him. And the awkwardness is back... It was a rather unsettling feeling when I, once again, didn't want anything between us to be awkward. I bit down – a little too hard – on the inside of my cheek in frustration, grimacing when I tasted blood on my tongue.
I was becoming a stranger to even myself. I wanted to get away from Baralai, but I couldn't. I wanted to follow Gwen's advice, but I wouldn't. I wanted him to stop touching me, kissing me, even looking at me but, then again, I never wanted him to stop. My own thoughts were foreign and it was extremely unnerving to not feel at home in my own mind. Sometimes I wished I could just stick my head in a bucket of bleach to see if I get rid of all those painful memories for good.
I was relieved when we finally arrived. Brother was seriously starting to grate on my nerves and if I had to spend another minute around him I was going to have to fight the impulse to chop off his ugly mop of a Mohawk. I heaved an enormous sigh as we stepped off the Celsius, taking in a large breath of the salty sea air. Maybe this is what I needed; a change from the ordinary that I was so used to. Then again I could just be fooling myself.
