Present Day

There's a specially intense ache in a person's gut when you're alone and lonely at a wedding. That ache is even more poignant when you're watching the woman of your dreams - the one you truly believe to be your soul mate - getting married to someone else.

I'm not sure when exactly I became a sap of such magnitude, but there was no cure for this feeling. Emily Fields held my heart, except as I sit here watching her radiant smile cast at another woman, it feels more like she is skewering my heart with the heels of her wedding shoes.

Still I was unable to breathe.

Back to the good stuff

I never saw Emily again.

For months she haunted my dreams and half of my waking life, but eventually her features faded somewhat and her voice became static in the back of my mind. After a while only the dreams remained.

Daily routines came and went as I finished working on my portfolio while working long admin hours at the studio. Most evenings I also pulled shifts at the bar down the block from my loft in order to make ends meet. Sleep was a luxury I couldn't afford and socializing was mainly restricted to the work environment.

Yet I still managed to hook up with a pretty little art student that couldn't get enough of my tattoos when I served her and her friends one Wednesday night. Shay was a petite brunette with bright green eyes and a quirky personality. She had a mischievous sense of adventure that was infectious and the kind of free spirit that helplessly drew in my caged soul in need of vindication.

We've been dating now for about six weeks and I am content. She understands the demands of my current life and my limited time and enthuses the relationship with a sort of exuberance, but kept it low maintenance. A paradox, perhaps, but it works.

Currently I'm sitting at my workbench fiddling with a design that I've been working on for a few weeks. For some reason the sketch speaks to me on a deeper level, but I can't quite pinpoint exactly what the connection was about. It depicted the bust of a beautiful woman wearing the coat of a wolf, the top of the head resting menacingly over her own like some hunter's trophy.

"It's looking great, babe." Shay murmured in my ear as she leaned over my shoulder from behind. I always felt self conscious when she studied my work as she was a truly talented artist herself, though her medium was mostly oil on canvas.

"I don't know why you stress so much about it. You can put it on my body right now and I'd love it." She pressed a reassuring kiss to the side of my neck and I smiled, though a deep scowl settled on my brows at the same time.

"I don't know. This piece is just... different." I gave it one last glance and closed my sketchpad before getting up and reaching for my jacket. Shay had other plans though as I found myself pressed back against my desk with her lean body pressing her weight into mine, her hands sliding up my back underneath my shirt. I canted my head to the side as her lips assaulted my neck with hot kisses, though as soon as I felt her hands slide over my hips to the front of my jeans I had to protest.

"Babe, I have to go to work..." I whined lightly and wriggled under her touch. I was already running late for my shift at the bar and as much as I'd rather stay home and get laid, I needed the cash.

"Fine fine..." She smirked and slowly moved away from me, her fingers fiddling purposefully with the hem of her shirt, allowing me to catch a glimpse or two of her lightly tanned skin. "I'll just be here, in your bed... Naked." She flashed that devilish grin she always got when she was up to no good and started ascending the stairs.

"And probably asleep by the time I get home!" I called after her before dashing through the door and off to The Shack for my evening shift.

It only took me about five minutes to get there at a steady walk, but it was plenty time to muse over my life as I tend to do far too often. Rachel always says that I overthink too much to really enjoy anything, though I was trying very hard to simply go with the flow. My relationship with Shay was a prime example of this. We were serious enough for random sleepovers, but not quite serious enough for spare keys to be cut. I preferred it that way. She kept the loneliness at bay and served as a wonderfully warm security blanket, a fact that often has me feeling bad. She probably deserves better than what I have to offer, yet I'm not quite willing or ready to let her go.

The problem is that there's a very vital emotion that alludes me. An emotion that seems crucial to the success of a relationship, but I can simply not wrap my fingers around it no matter how hard I grasp. I have only ever heard stories of this emotion - they call it love.

I was not in love, but I was happy. Can't that be enough?

"It's going to be another slow night." Rachel worked as a waitress at The Shack and we usually work the same shift a couple times a week. I enjoyed working with her as we all share tips, and with Rachel's flaming tresses and skin-tight jean shorts she always managed to rake in good favors.

She also always manages to save me from deathly boredom on nights like tonight.

I idly wiped the counter and glanced about the bar, grimacing at a couple of young male office clerks as they tried to flirtatiously communicate with a pair of sorority bunnies one table over. Again I was amazed at how stereotypical this life was. I constantly felt trapped in a straight to television B-grade film.

"And don't forget Bond over there." Rachel chortled as if reading my thoughts and pointed to the end of the bar counter where a well-groomed man sipped his whiskey. He came in every Wednesday and Thursday night, claiming to be passing through town on business. Any unsuspecting woman, so inclined, that dared to approach him would usually be regaled with stories of dangerous adventures in foreign territory with an enthusiasm that was suspiciously overdone. So we dubbed him James Bond.

"And, of course, it may only be 9 pm, but cue the 'I just got dumped and all men are scumbags and we'll get drunk and bitch about it all night' club." Rachel continued her assessment of our patronage for the evening while I fixed James another drink. When I returned my attention to my friend I noticed her awarding me an intriguing look. When my view of the bar shifted again towards the customers, I realized Rachel was holding her breath to see my reaction.

Standing before me was a vision of a woman, despite the red eyes and irate sniffle every now and then. As my vision turned hazy I had to take an awestruck moment to study her, a deep ache settling in my gut as I watched and felt the sorrow radiating from her, yet she looked as beautiful as the first time I saw her, even dressed in torn jeans and a large sweater. I wanted to hug her, no, hold her until all her sadness melted away. I could even picture her curled up on my couch under a fluffy blanket as I brought her hot chocolate.

I froze. Not so much because I was making an idiot of myself for silently staring at my customers, but more so because I felt like an idiot at the warm and fuzzy images flitting through my mind. I was scaring myself.

"We're going to need a round of tequila here, and keep them coming." The blonde I remembered as the giggler ordered, not bothering to really look at me as she joined in with her other two friends in comforting Emily.

"Tequila?" I asked stupidly, blinking as I watched the group of four move to a nearby booth, ignoring my question. I casually watched on in confusion as I went about pouring the shots.

"Prepare yourself, P. This shit is going to get ugly." Rachel snorted next to me as she also observed the scene while placing the shot glasses on a tray to take them over to the girls' table.

I pondered Rachel's words for a minute, trying to picture the ugly scene that might unfold. I didn't struggle much as working late night hours at a bar often brought its own brand of entertainment. I've seen this scene play out before quite a few times. The one with the red eyes is about to get utterly smashed and will most likely do something she can regret the next morning. I've heard that this was the number one cause of one night stands, apparently.

I've never been there before. Oh sure, I've had one or two one night stands, but they were always a sort-of-sober choice. Here I was facing that dilemma again.

The L word. The big L. Love.

All the women I have watched from my perch behind the bar, as they cry tears of regret straight into their brandy, all had one thing in common.

They had been in love.

Only love could cause such a fatal weakness exposed, leading to such a fatal wound to be inflicted, that the only way to recovery started at the bottom of a bottle. They all looked so broken, so angry, so miserably betrayed and I simply could not relate.

If this is what love brings you, I don't want any part of it anyway.

"Another round for the temporary feminists." Rachel interrupted my thoughts as she popped up next to me, then added with a crooked grin, "Want to play a game?"

"Bring it." I chuckled, knowing Rachel well enough to already regret my agreement.

"Twenty bucks to place your bet. Why did he dump her; how many drinks before she vomits; and who is she going home with tonight?" Rachel's grin was positively evil. Another oxymoron.

"Rache, you still owe me fifty for that thing the other day and I really need to buy some food." I rolled my eyes at her, enjoying how teasing turned her into a 2-year old.

"Fine! If you win you can have all my tips for the night. If I win, I'll only owe you thirty." Her voice went from whiney, to insistent, to excited all before the end of her first sentence.

I pondered for a moment. Everything about this little bet was wrong. I realize that I may not know how Emily is feeling, but I understood enough to know that what we were doing was entirely insensitive.

"Okay." I shamefully caved another moment later. Honestly, it was hard for me to feel sorry for Emily. I wasn't quite sure, but I know what I was feeling was just as inappropriate as Rachel's bet.

I was...relieved. Almost happy.

Don't get me wrong, seeing her like this was painful. But... Emily was single.

And straight, the back of my mind kindly reminded me.

"He was the biggest fool on earth and cheated on her, which is why they broke up. I bet she caught him red-handed too." I relent and deliver my two cents after Rachel's incessant foot tapping got too annoying. "She'll feel really sick, but won't actually vomit because she's a champ. And..." I paused for a second as I scanned the bar, my stomach making weird and uncomfortable twists as I contemplated my final wager. "I reckon she goes home alone or with one or more of them." I nodded confidently as I indicated Emily's friends.

I didn't feel too confident, however.

I felt worried. And anxious, irritable.

She can't leave with a stranger.

"I respect your intuition, P, but in this case you couldn't be more wrong." She giggled and it made me nervous. "Well I say that the CHICK she was dating turned out to be a narcissistic, manipulative bitch and left her for some guy. About another three shots and two drinks more and she'll be praying to the porcelain gods, because she's way too pretty to be able to hold her drink as well. And I believe that she'll be going home with..." She scanned the bar and the little that it offered, then her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as they settled on me.

"Right, she can sleep between me and Shay. Maybe we'll even cuddle." I spat at her sarcastically.

"Ooh, maybe you could have a threesome! I bet Shay would totally be up for that shit." She leaned over the counter and rolled her tongue selaciously at me, while bouncing on one foot in her excitement.

"God, you guys are taking forever!" That bubbly blonde made me jump in surprise as she popped up next to me across the bar, soon followed by the rest of the group, including Emily.

Emily, who finally looked at me for the first time that night, eyes a familiar glossy tint, finally recognized me.

I held my breath.

"Paige…" She recalled my name timidly, then with much more surety, "Paige!"

I waved.

Dork.

"Wait, PAIGE Paige?" The small fox-faced brunette in the group chirped.

"Ooh, who's PAIGE Paige?" Rachel clasped her hands on the bar top with growing interest.

"PAIGE?! From The Lounge Paige?!" The blonde piped up, mouth agape as she stared a hole into my face.

I could feel my cheeks and ears on fire.

Luckily, I noticed, so were Emily's.

"So, more tequila then?" I feigned a smile before sending Rachel a pointed look. Her grin only broadened as she packed out the shots I was serving.

Glancing back to Emily, she was mouthing me a pained sorry, yet her dimples were on show like two diamonds... No, wait. Diamonds are far too shallow and mainstream for a girl like Emily. Two emeralds encrusted within smooth copper like on the headband of a wealthy shiksa. Her lips moved and I was lost in their curves like a rowboat swallowed by the ocean waves.

I watched her smile slowly grow and blinked as I could swear I heard some annoying harp music in the background.

Then I realized everyone was silently staring at me and I couldn't help but once again curse the gods of embarrassment.

Maybe because I AM the God of Embarrassment.

"What?" I bet I looked like a fish.

"Have shots with us." Emily repeated once I was paying proper attention.

Rachel passed me a tequila and that was it.

Somehow the conversation picked up and hopped around from one random humorous topic to another as we continued sharing shots. Laughter rose up and spilled all around us as the night drew on and we got progressively more drunk. The bar soon cleared out but we didn't notice.

And somehow, miraculously, we managed to avoid the massive pink elephant in the room.

That was until my dearest Rachel suggested we play truth or dare and I could practically see the devil on her shoulder.

"So... Emily." Rachel raised her brow. "Truth or dare?"

Emily could barely keep her eyes open, but she was a fighter. "Truth."

"What's your ex's name?" Rachel grinned at me. We still had a bet to settle.

Emily frowned as if she was thinking very hard, then answered with little surety, "Ben...?"

I coughed.

I was right, yet it felt terrible. I guess that somehow I still held onto some hope that I stood a chance.

Wait, what? I have a girlfriend!

"Wait, why did you struggle with that question?" I sucked in sharply as the words slipped from my tongue before I could bite them back.

"Well, we broke up a long time ago." Emily scowled, not understanding the problem.

"Then what was tonight about?" Rachel pressed.

"No, hang on, too many questions. Emily, it's your turn." Spencer interjected drunkenly but diplomatically.

"Hah, Paige!" Emily laughed with glee, eyes foggy with innocence. It was adorable. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare." I'd rather take some punishment than risk being exposed.

"I dare you to..." Emily glanced around, then laughed as she looked back at me, dimples on full lethal display. "Play the rest of this game without your shirt."

"What?! Come on, can't I just take some nasty shot?" I protested loudly, my stomach bursting into billions of butterflies at the thought of taking off my clothes in front of a bunch of strangers, never even mind in front of Emily.

"Come on P, don't be shy..." Rachel purred as she slipped my jacket from my shoulders, exposing my white vest and the edges of elaborate ink designs on my skin, a full image visible here and there. "Show these ladies your banging bod." Rachel continued as my jacket fell to the floor and her fingers slid suggestively along the hem of my top.

I stood there frozen like the Statue of David, only much less suave.

Paige, God of Awkwardness strikes again. Or Embarrassment. Whatever.

I shut my eyes tightly when I felt the cool air hit my skin, dressed now only in my skinnies and a sports bra. I slowly cracked open one eye, then the other as I felt a surge of heat blaze across my skin.

They were all staring at me, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"You forgot to mention the tattoos..." Hanna whispered after a couple of excruciatingly long seconds. "And the six pack..." She giggled then and I felt mortified. I prayed for the ground to just open up beneath my feet. Or an asteroid to hit Earth. Really, I wasn't feeling picky.

Emily shook her head slowly then, confused as she uttered, "Those weren't there before."

"Wait, how would you..." Aria started timidly, but an ecstatic Hanna dove in with all the grace of panda bear.

"Oh my god, you DID hook up!" Her finger pointed and shifted rapidly between me and Emily.

"We did not hook up!" Emily and I chimed in unison and stared at each other with big eyes.

"Wait, why would you assume they hooked up?" Rachel twittered excitedly before realization hit her. "Because this sob fest is about a woman, isn't it?" She pointed accusingly at Emily.

I listened with rapt attention for her answer, but used the moment of distraction to slip my jacket on over my naked skin. The dare said nothing about my jacket.

"Well duh! Alison!" Hanna answered on Emily's behalf, causing Rachel to slam her fist onto the counter in glee. She had one out of three, but so did I seeing as how Emily hasn't emptied her stomach yet.

"Hanna, have some tact!" Spencer smacked her blonde friend in the arm.

The atmosphere turned almost morbid then as everyone went silent and Emily turned a light shade of pink. Then she was off, rocketing from her stool to the door in two seconds. I didn't think twice about jumping the bar and bolting after her. As I ran I could hear Rachel stopping the other girls from joining and I was thankful.

By the time I got outside she was sitting on the curb with her head between her knees and her fingers thread through her hair - an utterly wounded sight. I approached slowly and took a seat next to her, but kept my distance.

"What is love, anyway? Why is everyone always like, la-dee-dee-love-this and love-la-dee-da-that?" Her speech was comical as she slurred her words and stumbled over the alliteration in her sentence. I couldn't help but smile gently at her. As much of a wreck as she is now in this moment, she's even more breathtakingly beautiful with the raw emotions on display.

"What's so funny? It's true!" She spat in protestation of my reaction. "Love might just as well be synonymous with torture." Her voice dropped to sound more like that of a sad little girl and it took everything within me to not reach out to her. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how she felt.

"I wasted so many years on her..." She sighed and lifted her gaze to meet mine. "Alison." She me of the girl's name, then continued in way of explanation. "We were only freshmen when I first fell for her. She dangled temptation like a forbidden treat in front of my face, then when I tried to take a bite she made me feel ashamed of my feelings." She snorted and shook her head as if considering the irony.

I listened silently as she told me a bit of her coming out story and how difficult it had been. She told me about the girls that helped her come to terms with who she was, as well as how Alison would always pop back into her life whenever things seemed to be settling for Emily, and how Alison would leave devastation in her wake every time.

I tried my best to ease my way into her shoes and I truly felt for her. The more she spoke the clearer it became to me that she was really just a simple girl that enjoyed the common comforts in life. It was clear that she had always expected one of those comforts to be love; a mistake she now seemed to carry like the weight of the world on her shoulders.

We sat there for what felt like hours. Rather, I wasn't even aware of time passing as I was too focused on the ins and outs of Emily's words, happily winding their lines and toeing their edges. Eventually the words faded away but the silence was comfortable. There was a second where our eyes met and another entire conversation was held without the words. There was understanding and trust floating on the particles between us and a sort of magic dispersed throughout the atmosphere. I felt helplessly magnetized and hopelessly mesmerized by the heat emanating from Emily.

I glanced down at her lips and breathlessly watched them move...

"Will you take me home?" She whispered, her eyes downcast, and added, "Please..."

"Yeah, of course." I swallowed hard and nodded quickly, starting to move to my feet when she caught me by the wrist.

"No, I mean..." She took a deep breath and pulled me closer by the sleeve of my jacket. "Take me home... With you..."

The sensation is almost impossible to describe. It was as if though I shot into space on a rocket but left my stomach behind, then crashed into a deep ocean that turned my legs to liquid. Every cell in my body combust into flames, threatening to consume me from inside.

The moment stretched into infinity and the atmosphere crackled between us, charged with what I could only describe as primal desire.

Then she was leaning in and I was outside of my body, watching the scene unfold like a powerless bystander.

Her eyes slowly slid shut the closer she got, but my own were stretched wide beyond measure. It all played out in slow motion: half an inch away; her breath on my lips; her scent seizing my senses...

Then I turned my head and her lips grazed my cheek.

"I'm sorry..." My head dropped onto her shoulder and her warm breath sweeping across my neck was more than I could take.

But I had to.

"I'm sorry, Em... You're... Unbelievably gorgeous... And you're... I just..." I felt her pulling back and dared a look up at her eyes. They were hurt.

I hurt her. My stomach twisted into painful knots. I literally could not stand the thought of hurting this celestial creature.

My hand quickly found its way to her cheek to caress it gently as my forehead leaned in to rest against hers, trying my best to give utterance to my emotions at the time.

"I want... I mean I am... You..." I stumbled like a toddler through a dictionary but forced myself to take a deep breath and try again. "If this had been eight months ago... But I have a girlfriend now... I can't... I can't do this..." No matter how badly I wanted to.

No matter how badly I wanted her.

I don't know much about romantic love, but I once read in some useless 'random facts' tweet that scientifically it took only a few minutes to fall in love with someone. I understood it as a rush of chemicals causing the euphoric feeling, but this euphoria is amongst all the others that eluded me.

Until now...