Chapter XV
I Don't Love You
The week did in fact seem like it was going to last forever and passed by so slow that I swear time had stopped. Yet, it went by fast enough that as soon as I was standing in front of a full length mirror fully dressed I began to wonder exactly where all the time had gone. I had spent seven very long days with Baralai and it still felt like it hadn't been long enough.
Baralai had surprised me with a very fancy candlelit dinner the night we got back from Besaid. Almost as soon as we got back I treated myself to a very long and very relaxing bath in Baralai's enormous tub. By the time I got out he had dinner all laid out on the table and was standing there smiling at me with a very expensive bottle of red wine in his hands.
My favorite part of the entire night, though, was when he stopped me from changing out of my tank top and sweats for something more appropriate. He told me that I looked just as amazing in my pajamas as I did in my Warrior outfit. That moment was so sentimental, so...meaningful to me that I did something I probably shouldn't have done under the circumstances.
"Um...Baralai," I said, towards the end of our dinner.
He wiped his mouth off with his napkin then looked at me expectantly, a smile in his eyes and on his lips. I felt immensely tongue tied in those few short seconds and almost completely forgot what I was going to say. His smile grew even wider and he leaned forward, reaching his hand out for mine. "What is it, Paine?" He asked, a small amount of concern seeping into the corners of his eyes.
I bit the corner of my bottom lip as I wrapped my fingers around his, staring at our joined hands. I slowly brought my eyes up to meet his and took a deep breath. This is the moment of truth. I have to tell him the truth. "I...I love you, Baralai. I really do."
His expression was surprised at first then slowly turned into calm happiness. A tranquil smile turned the corners of his lips up as he gently squeezed my fingers and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear you say that."
I spent the days honing my techniques while Baralai was at the temple and we trained together every evening after he returned home. I even practiced trying to lift him off of the ground with my mind, which after the first couple attempts didn't seem like the best idea. After a few days, though, I could successfully hover Baralai about five inches off the ground for a full minute. I could even use my powers to physically push him away from me if he was backing me into a corner while we were sparring. I even found time to train with the Warrior Monks every so often.
And, all throughout the week, Baralai and I spent every second that he wasn't at the temple together. We were joined at the hip again and that made me feel unbelievably good. I had my bestest friend in the world back, but that dark cloud hovering above my head prevented me from enjoying it every chance it had. A few times I caught myself stopping and asking myself what exactly I was doing. I was burning every bridge that I crossed and, when the time came, I was going to end up getting burned myself because there was no way I would be able to take back what I had said to him.
And what the hell was I thinking when I agreed to let Rikku style my hair? I thought as I turned my head this way and that, trying to examine the damage.
I had never been a fan of spiked hair. I tried it once after my hair had been chopped off but it made me look like too much of a boy so I never attempted it again. If the wedding ceremony wasn't scheduled to begin in ten minutes I would have dunked my head in a bucket of water and started from scratch. I was quite sure that Rikku would strangle me if I did though.
Lulu came in then, her maid of honor dress sweeping the floor gracefully as she walked. "Ready?" She asked, folding her arms across her chest loosely.
"I guess," I answered as I followed her out of her home and into the warm Besaid sunlight.
There weren't very many places to hold a wedding ceremony so, to save Yuna's dress from getting dirty, wide cloth walkways had been set up all over the village and, to prevent the walkways from getting blown around or moved, they had been hammered into place with metal stakes. Lulu and I waved at the waiting villagers as we walked past. After Rikku had done my hair she dashed off to help her cousin get ready and, since space was limited in Wakka and Lulu's small hut, most of the wedding party had decided to get ready in the temple.
Baralai was standing by the main entrance and smiled at us as we approached. He bowed and said hello to Lulu as she walked past. I stopped in front of the Praetor and, when the black mage looked back at me, reassured her that I would only be a few minutes.
"Don't take too long," she said, before disappearing into the dimly lit temple.
"You look beautiful," he said, moving closer and capturing my hand in his, trying to look discreet.
"Thank you," I replied, feeling a small blush color my cheeks. "You look very handsome as well."
"Oh, this is only for show." He took a few seconds to examine my new hair-do, a chuckle escaping his lips in the process. "Let me guess. Rikku?"
"Correct," I said, lifting my hand to my head and wishing that I could rub it all out.
"We only have a few minutes before we start. You should probably get in there." He reluctantly let go of my hand and moved away from me.
"Yeah," I replied, sending him a small smile before walking past him.
The atmosphere in the temple, as far as I could tell when I went inside, was relatively calm and peaceful, much to my surprise. There was a mix of excitement and nervousness in the air with a small amount of anxiousness. Tidus was pacing restlessly and fidgeting with anything he could get his hands on and Yuna was making things difficult for Rikku.
The side room off to the left was reserved for the men, which left the one on the right to the women. As soon as I walked in Rikku tapped her cousin excitedly on the shoulder to direct her attention over to us. "Yunie, look what I did to Paine's hair!" She exclaimed, looking back and forth between me and Yuna to gage our reactions.
The ex-summoner was speechless for a few moments as she took in my new hair-do. She looked at Rikku briefly before saying something. "Wow, Paine...that's different," she stammered, having trouble finding the right words.
"It was Rikku's idea actually," I replied, messing with a few of the spikes and wincing at how much gel was holding it together.
"Well, I think it looks good," Rikku retorted, swinging around and pretending to "fix" Yuna's up-do.
Yuna shot a distressed look at me and what she wanted to say was written all over her face. I groaned inwardly, knowing that I was going to have to be the one to resolve this. I wanted Yuna's wedding day to be one to remember for the rest of her life, she deserved that much. I still don't want to do this.
I breathed in deeply then exhaled as I walked towards Rikku. I put my hand on her shoulder and screwed on a smile when she turned to look at me. "I really do like it. It...just takes some getting used to." I pushed those words out of my mouth as fast as I could while still sounding sincere.
Rikku pursed her lips stubbornly but when her eyes met mine I could tell that all had been forgiven. She smiled and ran over to me, clenching both my hands in hers so hard I felt a few of my knuckles crack. "Thanks, Paine!" And for good measure she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me.
Seconds later the clinking of beads alerted us to a visitor as Baralai pushed aside the curtain covering the doorway. "Is everyone ready?" He asked, looking at each of us individually, lingering the most on me.
Yuna sighed and stepped forward, smiling nervously at the Praetor. "We are."
The wedding procession commenced and I found myself wondering what it would have been like if Yuna and Tidus had made the ceremony a full blown public event. Seeing the small crowd of villagers staring at Yuna adoringly as she walked down the aisle was...fitting. I wouldn't have been able to imagine anything that was more perfect. A full blown ceremony would have ruined the sentimentality of it all. Yuna was and still is important to Spira but not everything she does needs to be blown up and inflated for all the world to see. Even ex-High Summoner's need some privacy every once in a while.
I could feel The Invisible's presence in the forest surrounding us throughout the entire ceremony. I wasn't expecting them to be here but the fact that they were was extremely unsettling. I refrained from attempting to read their thoughts, unsure if they would know what I was doing and not wanting to know what they thinking in the least. I didn't want all my suspicions to be proven in just a few seconds.
By the time that Baralai announced Tidus and Yuna as husband and wife I was so tense that if someone bumped into me they would think I was made out of concrete. The wedding party dispersed and followed the newlyweds into the temple so the villagers could set everything up for the reception. I handed my bouquet to Rikku then grabbed Baralai and pulled him off to the side.
"They're here," I whispered, making sure to keep my voice low.
Baralai's eyebrows twitched. "What?" He said, astounded.
I nodded. "They were out there the entire ceremony."
"Are you going to go talk with them?"
I shrugged and turned my head towards the temple entrance. I wasn't exactly sure what they wanted and on top of it all there was three of them. I didn't really want to be alone in the forest with three of them; I could barely stand being alone with one. They're probably waiting for me. They know I'll come outside to talk with them sooner or later.
"I don't want to," I replied, looking back at him. "but I have to."
He nodded gravely and bit the inside of his cheek, gnawing on it thoughtfully. "So I suppose if I offered to go with you..." He said, trailing off as his eyes met mine.
I shook my head. They would probably kill him if he came out there with me. He would be no match for them. "I know you want to help me, but this is something I have to do alone." Baralai opened his mouth to protest but I quickly cut him off. "Don't make this any harder for me than it already is."
Before he could get anymore words in edgewise I turned around and started to leave. I didn't get very far though. His hand tightened around my wrist and pulled me back to him. I knew what he wanted and I couldn't help but give it to him. As his lips met mine I felt a couple salty tears gather in the corners of my closed eyes because I had no idea what was waiting for me out in that forest. I'm glad I got to kiss him one last time... I was the one to end the kiss and, before Baralai could say or do anything else, I turned around and walked away from him.
The sharp click of my high heels on the temple floor was deafening. I could feel his eyes watching me, burning holes in my back with their intense stare. I wanted nothing less than to stop and turn back around, to run back into his arms. I didn't want to go through with this. I wasn't ready. It felt like I would never be ready.
I had a feeling that this was it. Today they were going to reclaim me. I paused at the temple entrance and looked back at Baralai. His eyes were set in stone as they bore into mine. I sighed then, without a second thought, stepped out into the bright Besaid sunlight, blinking my eyes rapidly. I ignored the anxious glances the villagers sent me as I disappeared into the forest.
Mere seconds after I had faded into the tree line I could feel the presence of two of them flanking me. I could tell that the one on my right was Gwen but I was not familiar with the one on my left. I reached a small clearing a little more than a hundred yards into the thick foliage and froze. The person standing in the center, uncloaked with his arms crossed over his broad chest, was Kaiser himself.
Gwen appeared seconds later, standing on Kaiser's left. Her icy eyes held nothing but a cold indifference before her lips turned up in a sneer. "Yellow is...very flattering on you, Paine."
"Why thank you, Gwen."
During our exchange I had missed the entrance of the unknown member. It was a boy, younger than Gwen but still a year or two older than me. He had brown hair with copper undertones and his glowing ember like eyes revealed that his element was the same as mine.
"I don't believe you've met Tobias, Paine," Kaiser said. "We found him living as an urchin on the streets of Bevelle the night you escaped us. He's a worthy addition, just like you were...and are going to be again."
So this really was it. What Roland said was true. I swallowed – or at least attempted to – and took an involuntary step back. "So this is it then? I don't get to say good bye?"
Kaiser stared at me thoughtfully for what seemed like hours, his glowing yellow eyes boring into mine as if he could see into my soul. "Be brief. Meet us at the beach. You have five minutes." Before he was even finished speaking all three of them had vanished, their footsteps passing over the ground almost silently. I took his advice and wasted no time.
Baralai has probably already told everyone about what I'm doing. I can't take too long or they'll come back and take me by force. I have to be detached. In order for me to be able to do this I have to be detached, I thought as I made my way back to the village. I stopped before I emerged from the trees and took a deep breath, preparing myself. I had to make myself believable, especially with Baralai.
I froze and leaned against the trunk of a tree, covering my face with my hands as I came dangerously close to panicking. This couldn't be it already! It just couldn't! Everything that I had planned... Every way I thought that it would happen... This is definitely not how I envisioned it.
This is why I didn't want to fall in love with Baralai. This is why I didn't want to get close to him. I don't even have an excuse for why I didn't get out of his life sooner. I want Baralai to completely forget about me and in order for that to happen I have to break his heart, which will break mine in the process. If I live through any of this I don't even know how I'm going to come close to fixing this mess that I'm about to create.
I shook my head vigorously. "I can't do that. I can't do that to him," I said, trying to imagine what I would have to do and horribly failing at it. Yes, you can do this. You have to, my mind told me. "No," I argued back, shaking my head. "I thought I would be able to but – "
"Paine!"
I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard Rikku calling my name. Well if that isn't a kick in the pants to get going I don't know what is.
Rikku was standing on the temple steps when I emerged from the trees and was getting ready to call my name again when I spoke up. "I'm right here, Rikku."
The hyperactive blonde jumped in surprise and whirled around. "Oh!" She exclaimed. "Paine, where have you been? We've – "
"I'm leaving, Rikku. Say good bye to everyone for me." I couldn't bear to let her finish her sentence or else I wouldn't have the gumption to leave.
Without wasting another second I turned around and walked away from one of my best friends. I knew that Baralai would chase after me. In fact, I was counting on it. I wanted to talk with him alone. That was the only way I would be able to say the things that needed to be said. I could hear Rikku calling after me but I effectively blocked her out. I was glad that she hadn't chased after me. I had to concentrate on every single step I took or else I would crack.
I managed to get half way to the beach – to the waterfalls, in fact – when I heard heavy footsteps following me. I stopped and took a deep breath. I had about fifteen seconds until he reached me. My mind was racing because I still wasn't prepared for this. I still had no idea how I was going to sound believable. I was a terrible liar, especially around Baralai. He could read me like a book and it seemed like he would be able to see into my very soul if he wanted to.
I growled in frustration and raked my hands through my hair then turned around, violently kicking my shoes off. I only had two and a half minutes left to get to the beach before they would be coming to look for me. I set my face in stone and watched him as he tentatively approached me, like prey to a predator.
"Paine?" He all but whispered as he stopped five feet away from me.
"Go back to the village, Baralai. I'm leaving."
"This is all so sudden though, don't you think?" He asked, taking a few steps towards me. I, in turn, took two steps backwards. I wanted to convey that I was serious and I could tell by the look in his eyes – his oh so gorgeous eyes – that he was slowly starting to get it.
"It's time, Baralai. Kaiser has come to collect and this time he won't be leaving empty handed." I had turned around and started walking away before I even realized what was happening. That's it, Paine. Keep acting detached. This is the only way you're gonna get through this.
"That's it then?" His voice called over the roar of the waterfalls. "You don't even have anything to say?"
I kept walking. I could hear the dirt crunching beneath his boots so there was no need for me to stop. "No."
It was silent on his end for a few moments before he picked up speed, his intent to catch me all too clear. Only then did I stop. I had to get through to him that I was serious and I already hated myself for what I was going to do. Without even turning around I summoned a wall of fire to surround me just as Baralai was reaching out to grab my shoulder.
He cried out more in surprise than pain as he leapt away from me. I slapped on the most believable glare that I could and slowly turned around to face him, fighting the instinct to run into his arms and beg his forgiveness. I could see the confusion in his eyes and wished that I didn't have to do this. I hope you'll forgive me someday, Baralai. I'm so sorry. I exhaled the air I had been holding in my lungs as I dispersed the flames surrounding me.
Baralai wasn't deterred by my warning though. He grabbed my hand and held it between both of his, his eyes concentrating on me so hard I thought he would pull me inside their deep chocolate depths. My fingers twitched slightly in his grip. I wanted to fall into his arms so badly. I wanted to forget all the hurtful things I was going to say to him. I only wish it were that easy...
"Well I have something to say." The young Praetor looked away from me briefly and licked his lips, his inner thoughts flying through his eyes. "I don't want you to go," he whispered, staring at the ground. "I love you, Paine. So much."
And when his eyes met mine once more I knew it was time. "...I don't love you, Baralai. I'm sorry," I replied, prying my hand from his grasp and backing a few paces away. I took a deep breath and tried to add a little vehemence to my voice. "I lied to you, Baralai. Everything I've told you, everything you thought I meant... All of it's a lie. I don't love you. Not at all."
I bit down on my tongue when I saw his reaction. It seemed like I had just shot him right in the chest. His face paled and contorted into the most excruciating expression of agony I had ever seen. My heart broke just having to watch it but I had no choice but to shove the knife in deeper.
"I'm never coming back so don't think that one day I'll magically appear on your doorstep. Don't come looking for me either. You forgot about me so easily after I ceased to be Aria so why should this be any different?" I paused to get rid of the lump in my throat and backed up a few more steps. Baralai was frozen in place, as still as a statue. "Just forget about me again, Baralai. It will be as if I never existed." As I said those last few words I folded my magic over myself and slowly started to disappear.
As soon as I started to fade Baralai sprang to life. "No!" He bellowed, lunging towards me.
I side stepped, missing his fingers by mere inches, and hopped up onto the railing, gracefully balancing on it as Baralai fell to the ground. He scrambled to his feet less than a second later and looked around frantically for me, turning and twisting every which way like I would suddenly appear if he looked hard enough.
"Paine!" He yelled, his voice cracking. "Please, Paine! Don't do this! Please!" He swept his hands through his hair like he wanted to tear it out as he paced back and forth.
Tears began to gather in the corners of my eyes as I listened to him scream for me. I hated myself more every second and seeing him like this only made it worse. It took every ounce of my will power to stay silent. Baralai continued to scream my name as he took off for the beach. I wanted to cover my ears to block it out but there was no way I would ever get the sound of it out of my head. It was seared into my mind, echoing in my ears forever.
I wasn't surprised when I heard chuckling in front of me. "Well done, Paine," Kaiser said, letting a small amount of praise leak into his voice. "I was worried that you wouldn't be able to do it. It is time to return to Zanarkand. Are you ready?" Kaiser asked, all four of us remaining camouflaged.
"I am," I replied as I stepped off of the railing. I paused briefly and turned my head in the direction that Baralai had disappeared in, his screams still resonating in my head. I'm sorry...
Kaiser, Gwen and Tobias surrounded me and almost instantly the air began to crackle with magic. Blurred images flashed before my eyes and just when I was able to focus on one the scenery changed. Then, before I knew it, we were in the ruined city. Oh, what have I done? I thought as I gazed at the pyrefly infested buildings around me and wondering which one would be my tomb.
