Chapter XVIII

Broken


(Baralai)

After Paine's departure the atmosphere at the reception wasn't the same. Yuna and Rikku had been the ones to come after me. They found me kneeling in the surf, staring off into the distance. I don't even remember how I got back to the village. I know that Yuna and Rikku must have coaxed me up off the ground and helped me back because I wouldn't have been able to get back myself.

I couldn't think straight; her face kept popping up in front of my vision no matter if I wanted to think about her or not. Her gorgeous crimson eyes filled with hate. Her beautiful mouth turned down into a scowl. The wall of flames she had conjured to keep me away from her reflecting off her irises, making them glow menacingly. The hole in my chest throbbed painfully. I had never thought she would ever look at me like that.

"Lai?" I looked up forlornly and met Gippal's worried stare. "You alright, buddy?"

I shook my head and rose unsteadily to my feet. "I would like to return to Bevelle." My voice sounded foreign to me; it sounded hollow.

"Yeah, sure, buddy," Gippal replied, allowing a small smile to crawl onto his face. "I'll go tell Riks."

It could have been ten minutes until the Celsius arrived and it could have been ten hours. I wasn't sure and, frankly, I didn't care. Gippal volunteered to accompany me back to Bevelle. I carried my own bag while Gippal carried Paine's. I was glad that Gippal was coming with me. I don't think I would be able to carry her bag five feet let alone carry it all the way down to the Celsius and through Bevelle to my home.

"Thank you," I rasped as I looked at Gippal.

Gippal looked over at me with a surprised look on his face, like he wasn't expecting me to talk then he smiled and patted my shoulder. "You're welcome, Lai."

The Celsius was waiting for us when we arrived at the beach. Gippal stayed on the bridge to talk with Shinra and Buddy while I went to the cabin. I waved hello to Barkeep and Darling before climbing the stairs to the living quarters. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself so I collapsed onto the couch and idly sifted through the magazines covering the coffee table.

I found myself wondering which magazine Paine was looking at when we were on our way to Besaid for Lady Yuna's and Sir Tidus' parties that short week ago. My fingers lightly touched the glossy covers of the magazines and before I knew it I was hyperventilating. I quickly got up and left the cabin, joining Gippal on the bridge and trying to include myself in his conversation with Shinra and Buddy.

My eyes met Shinra's intelligent bright blue gaze and I froze, feeling rather uncomfortable. He's looking at me like he knows something. Just when I was about to speak to him he broke his eyes away from mine and continued conversing with Gippal and Buddy like nothing had happened. I continued to stare at him for a few more seconds, immensely confused.

The rest of the trip to Bevelle was an awkward one. I tried to include myself in the group conversation but I would only end up nodding my head like some defective bobble head doll. I felt isolated, cut off, and I didn't want to feel that way. It felt like my right arm had been lopped off.

I could tell that Gippal was uncomfortable as well. He wasn't sure what to say to me, more than likely worried that he might say the wrong thing, worried that anything he said about Paine would reduce me to a sobbing puddle of misery. He was right.

After we reached my doorstep he followed me inside. "So...where's Paine's room?" He asked, stopping in the living room.

I paused in the hallway, coincidentally next to her door and stared at the polished wood. "It's right here," I said before continuing to my room. I heard Gippal open the door then leave a few seconds later.

I sank down onto my bed and dropped my bag on the floor next to me, staring at the floor at a loss for what to do next. Without her here my house felt empty...like a tomb. I looked up as Gippal peeked cautiously around the corner, he was nervously gnawing on his bottom lip.

"You gonna be alright, Lai?" He asked, taking a few tentative steps into my room.

I involuntarily flexed and unflexed both my hands into fists while I thought. After a few seconds I met his lone eye with both of mine and attempted to smile. "No," I began, feeling my throat begin to burn. "but I'll manage. Thanks, Gippal."

One corner of his mouth quirked up into his signature grin. "No problem, buddy. You'll call me if you need anything, right?"

"Of course," I replied, fighting to keep the half smile on my face.

Gippal waved then quietly ducked out. I sighed and fell back against my bed, staring up at the ceiling. What now? It took me awhile, but eventually I got up and wandered into my closet to change out of my dress robes.

And that's when I found it.

Paine's sword was propped up against the wall next to my dual-edged rod. Her sword belt and sheath were laying on the floor next to it. A lump immediately settled into my throat and it took me a second to swallow it. My first thought was to hide it away somewhere so it would never see the light of day again, but I instantly shoved it away. Her memory was painful but I didn't want to totally forget about her.

Taking a deep breath I carefully wrapped my hand around the hilt and lifted it up off the floor. The shine of the metal was immaculate; I could practically see my reflection in it. Polishing her sword had been one of her favorite hobbies while she was still here. An actual smile found its way onto my face as I imagined her sitting on my bedroom floor, polishing her sword until it was spotless. As I stood there staring at it I tried to think of where I could put it and what I could use to mount it on the wall.

It hit me as soon as I walked out of my closet. My eyes landed on the empty space of wall above my bed and I knew I had to put it there. After almost an hour I was finally able to scrounge together a meager mount from a few things I found around my house. It took me another half hour to put it up on the wall correctly.

I smiled when I was finished, standing back and admiring my work. The wall mount that I had put together wasn't very professional looking but that didn't matter to me. I was shaken out of my small happy moment by a relentless pounding on my door. I sighed and with one last look at Paine's sword went to answer my front door.

I wasn't surprised when I saw Idalia standing on the other side. She bowed respectfully and I did the same in greeting, albeit a little more stiffly than usual. "Praetor Baralai, welcome back. I wasn't expecting you so soon. How was the Lady Yuna's wedding?"

"Very enjoyable and a wonderful sight to see. Can I help you with anything?"

"Yes, Sir, there's a substantial amount of paperwork to be done at your office and the council commands that you catch up on it," she said, wringing her hands in her overlarge sleeves.

I leaned against the door jam and rubbed my eyes. I had badly neglected my duties as Praetor for the past few weeks and I needed to get caught up. "Alright," I answered, straightening. "I'll be right there."

She nodded then turned around and walked off. I sighed heavily and closed my door a little too forcefully then returned to my room to put my shoes on.

I ended up taking over half of the paperwork from my office at the temple back to my office at my home. I hadn't been able to get very much done. I just couldn't concentrate and I was doubtful that I would be able to concentrate anymore at home but it would look better if my temple office was neat and orderly. None of the council members came to my home but they made frequent trips to my office at the temple. I left anything that Idalia would be able to do on her small desk then left as quickly as I could.

The last thing on my mind when I got back home was sitting down and doing all that paperwork but I had to at least attempt to get some of it done. Three hours later I had only gotten a small stack done. My desk was so cramped and crowded that I couldn't even see the surface anymore. I knotted my hands into my hair, threatening to pull it out in my frustration. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and wanted nothing less than to collapse into my bed.

I looked over my shoulder, staring at the horizon. The sun had already set, but there was still a little light outside. The setting sun cast various shades of pinks, purples and oranges across the sky. In a few places the sun was painted a deep crimson red and I had to look away from it. There was nothing else for me to do so I just decided to get some sleep. As I climbed into my cool sheets I was kind of hoping that when I woke up everything would be the same as it had been before Paine had left, but I knew that was wishful thinking on my part.

It seemed like I woke up every hour screaming. My mind just could not find any rest. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her face, heard her voice. She had infected my very essence. That should have made me happy but now all it did was make the gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be throb painfully, threatening to consume me.

I thought I had gone insane when I woke up for the hundredth time that night, thinking that someone was in my room. I swear I heard someone rustling around in my closet. I sat up quickly and looked around, squinting in the dim moon light as my eyes scoured the room in search of an intruder.

"Who's there?" I rasped, my heart beat quickening.

My breath caught in my throat when I saw the flicker of an image in front of my bed. Paine? My eyes widened but when I looked back at the spot where I thought I had seen her, it was gone. I sighed, shaking my head. My eyes were obviously playing tricks on me. She couldn't possibly be here. She was at the world's end and she wasn't coming back. She didn't love me and she wasn't ever coming back.

I winced as my chest once again began to throb then laid back down. A few silent tears pooled up behind my eyelids and ran down my cheeks as I tried to get back to sleep. I miss you...