We all experience lapses in judgement, however some lapses can be more severe than others.
My lapse in judgement was, unfortunately, pretty severe.
In fact, it literally altered the course of my destiny.
My lapse in judgment: asking my lying, cheating, bitch of an ex-girlfriend for advice.
Xx...xX
"But P, that's not cheating." Brian waved his hand at me, seemingly almost irritated that my adventures were made such a fuss over.
Rachel smacked the table top, causing our drinks to hop precariously. "Of course it is! There was a tongue in her mouth that wasn't Shay's! Slice that cake however you want, it all tastes the same."
"Guys, care to weigh in? From a couple's perspective." Brian gestured to his two friends, Caleb and Toby. The two pretty boys seemed as heterosexual as Brian on the surface, but had been sharing very gay feelings for about two years after meeting and falling in love while dating a pair of best friends.
"I'm going to side with Brian on this one. What was Paige supposed to do? It's not her fault." Caleb gave his answer and shrugged coolly before looking to his boyfriend.
"I don't know... I can see the validity in both arguments. Okay wait... So she pushed you against the wall and leaned in?" Toby watched me closely and I could see the gears turning in his head.
"Yes." I stated simply.
"And you immediately tried to push her away?" He probed further.
I paused and felt my face flush with guilt and embarrassment. "Well, you see..."
"Jesus P, just tell the story again. And no bullshit." Rachel pointed a finger threateningly in my face.
I sighed and rolled my eyes.
Xx…………………………………xX
I woke up the morning after my coffee date with Emily, and my misguided late night phone call, with a huge hangover. Apparently I had been sipping a bottle of Jack all night and had about half of the amber liquid coursing through my veins still.
I got up and dragged my ass to work.
The day passed in a haze. I felt myself going through the motions physically, while mentally my mind was playing the 'All Emily All the Time' show on repeat.
Unfortunately for me, there were gag reels of how she faked her feelings for me, and an exclusive director's cut where the viewer finds out that Emison is really endgame.
It was a twisted dream and I found myself wanting to wake up from my living nightmare.
Maybe that's why I was desperate enough to phone Cassie. And we all know desperation makes you do ugly things.
Cassie's words kept floating through my foggy mind in the background...
"Paige, she'd be so lucky to have you. I just know it."
"Sounds like you have it bad for this girl... Do you?"
"You should just tell her how you feel. Who can say no to you?"
"Shay was never really a good match for you."
"Maybe you just needed Shay for a while to realise what's really important and to remember what real love is... "
Her words were uncharacteristically sweet as sugar and covered in honey. Her voice was melted chocolate.
It made me slightly uncomfortable, which was why I was glad I hadn't divulged any details to her and kept the situation very generalized.
"I think I'm going to do it, Cass. Tomorrow night. The Brew. I will take destiny into my own hands." My voice trembled with doubt.
I had to create a little mantra for myself to try and stay focused on the goal ahead:
Alison doesn't deserve her. But neither do I.
But I can't rest til I give it a try.
Come what may.
I want what's mine.
The mantra made me feel good, albeit a little silly. But then it started to bother me, and I started to doubt all over again.
Why was I choosing to pursue Emily while I was dating Shay? Why was I so perfectly willing to go head to head with Alison, but I couldn't be bothered to give my relationship with Shay a decent shot?
I could only come to one conclusion: I was such an asshole.
So I wiped the sleep from my eyes and pushed myself through a bowl of soggy cornflakes. I found the cleanest shirt on the overflowing chair and rinsed my mouth. I slipped past Shay with no kiss goodbye.
I felt guilty on the entire buss ride to the studio.
I messaged Shay and forced myself to remember that I do have feelings for her, and tell her that I miss her.
I didn't think about her again for the rest of the day.
Tattoo.
Smoke.
Tattoo.
Home.
Food.
Shower.
Smoke.
Bar.
Smoke.
Drink.
At this stage I started to chicken out. I realized that I couldn't do this. I knew that the world would change forever. And it scared me.
It was a dead night, so I left early and looked at my watch as I stepped out the door. It was only 10:15 and I knew Emily's shift at The Brew would only end at 11:00.
I looked up at the heavy black clouds hanging in the charcoal sky when I heard the thunder released by the build up of friction and tension.
I sighed and went home.
Walk.
Smoke.
Sigh.
Home.
Contemplate sleeping on the couch as to not wake Shay.
End up crawling into bed and holding her.
She snores.
And I'm up again.
And Emily kept smiling at me from the corner of my eyes. Taunting me. Haunting me.
"Hey P, I just wanted to wish you luck with tonight. I hope all your dreams come true." Cassie injected me with the final bit of enthusiasm I needed that afternoon, and it started flowing back to me now.
"Thanks Cass. I needed this." I smiled wearily into the phone.
"Does she know you're going to see her, or will she be surprised?" Cassie chirped excitedly.
"I let her know where I'll be. I'm just not sure whether she got my message..." I pulled my phone from my ear to look at the screen where Emily's Whatsapp chat screen was open and I could still only make out one tick next to the message I had sent her about an hour before.
"Oh don't worry... I'm pretty sure she got the message…" Cassie cooed in reassurance.
So there I was - unable to sleep next to Shay, on my way to The Brew to seek out Emily.
What happened then happened fast and in the most confusing sequence of events. You could hardly fault me on my confusion.
It started to rain. Only a light drizzle.
The first thing I noticed at The Brew was the low lighting and complete lack of cars, save for two. I approached the door and the 'Closed' sign was hanging proudly against the inside of the glass.
It thundered overhead and the rain came down harder.
I looked past the sign to the back and immediately spotted the mixture of blonde and black hair.
It thundered. Loudly.
My heart stopped and I quickly stepped back and around the corner where I would be hidden behind a wall.
The rain was cold against my flushed skin.
I slumped over and quietly gasped for breath.
And that was it.
Xx…………………………………….xX
"So there I was - getting absolutely drenched from the sudden downpour. Her flesh was hot against my skin while the cool bricks dug into my back. Her scent infiltrating my nostrils was sweet and wet as her warm tongue rolled into my mouth, cool rain water rolling down her face and mingling with the kiss. It took a second for my rational mind to kick in..."
My friends all stared at me in a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and a hint of amusement.
"See? Not. Her. Fault." Caleb emphasized, but Toby quickly shot him a look that told him to keep quiet.
"So before your rational mind kicked in, did you respond to the kiss?" Toby enquired.
I dropped my head in shame and nodded almost imperceptibly.
"But you didn't know it was Cassie you were kissing, right?" Brian asked.
Rachel quickly interjected. "That's besides the point! Whether she thought she was kissing Cassie or Emily or Lindsey Fucking Shaw, the principle is still the same. She participated! Right Paige?"
Damn you, Rachel.
The debate ended there.
"So why don't you just use this opportunity to end it with Shay? I think it's time, P." Toby shared his ever endless wisdom.
Xx………………………………xX
I did end things with Shay. She was hurt. It hurt me.
She deserved better than me. I know that now. Perhaps Cassie did her a favor, even if she doesn't see it that way.
And she definitely didn't see it that way, which lead us to the following predicament...
"Hey Em, everything okay? It's two in the morning." I rubbed my eyes sleepily as I opened my front door for her in confusion.
She stepped past me and as the blur subsided from my vision, I turned to find her cheeks streaked with angry tears, some still brimming at the corners of her eyes.
"You hooked up with your ex? You give ME the third degree about acting on our MUTUAL attraction, but you happily let THAT woman stick her tongue down your throat?"
She was seething. I was shocked.
Apparently I had forgotten that Shay and Emily were actual friends now.
My stomach churned. The words broiled up my throat before I could stop them.
"I saw you! With Alison. I went to The Brew that night for YOU. To tell you that I wanted YOU! Only to find you tangled up with Alison! And you're giving me grief about MY ex?"
Emily stared at me in stunned silence, a deep frown etched onto her brow.
The seconds ticked by like seasons.
Then.
"Tangled? You mean talking? Like I told you the day before she wanted to do?" I could see the hurt coloring her eyes and it stung even more than the hurt I saw in Shay's eyes.
"What happened?" I swallowed.
"I would have told you everything, Paige. But now... It's none of your fucking business." She spat.
The sound of the slamming front door echoed loudly throughout the silent apartment.
