Chapter XX

Gone


(Baralai)

It was gone...

I had noticed immediately after waking up. Paine's sword was gone.

I was so distraught that I didn't even stop and look at the logical side of the situation like I usually would have. I realized after scouring my entire home what my brain had been trying to tell me all along: she had been here last night. I hadn't been imagining it after all. She had really been here.

That discovery didn't make me feel any better though. It only made me feel that much more insignificant because I knew, really knew, that what she had told me was true. It just made the knife sink ever deeper into my chest. I had to get out of my house before I completely broke down again.

I didn't bother putting on my Praetor robes. Right now I didn't have the patience to put them on so I settled with black slacks and a white button down. The last time I wore this outfit I had gotten an earful about it from Idalia. I was hoping she wouldn't be at the office today. I didn't have any patience for her either.

The walk to the temple was an awkward one. I could tell that the priests and acolytes knew there was something wrong with me even though I tried to hide it. None of them inquired about Paine though, which meant they already knew why I was in such a depressed mood. While I'm sulking most of them are probably throwing a party in the streets.

One of the council members, a withered old Yevonite whose name was Arthur, was waiting for me in front of my office door. My shoulders sagged when I saw him. A visit from any of the council members was never a good thing.

I smiled at him and bowed respectfully, somewhat succeeding at keeping my wits about me. "How can I help you, Sir?" I asked as I opened my office door and allowed him to precede me inside. I felt like turning tail right then and running away but I had to face them sometime. Sooner rather than later.

"Myself and the other members of the council are concerned about you, Baralai." He folded his gnarled hands behind his back and followed me as I walked towards my desk. I could feel his eyes boring holes in my back.

I tried to keep my voice as level as I could as I settled into my chair. "And why is that?" I pretended to act busy.

Arthur sat down across from me and shot me a pointed stare, like I should already know what he meant. "Your most recent...distraction is what has us concerned. Your duties as praetor seem to come in second ever since that girl popped into your life."

I involuntarily dropped the pen that I had been holding. I quickly snatched it back up, fighting to keep a straight face. The malice with which he spoke of Paine made my blood boil in my veins. I restrained myself from saying anything disrespectful even though I so wanted to. A million different swear words in Al Bhed flared on the end of my tongue, begging to make themselves heard but I valiantly swallowed them.

"You don't have to worry about her anymore," I said. "She left. She's not coming back." Those words were even more painful to say aloud to someone else, almost crippling.

Arthur looked extremely shocked. "Really? Under what circumstances?" His beady eyes narrowed dangerously, like he didn't believe me.

I cleared my throat and looked away from him, unable to stomach the look on his face any longer. "I have no control over what she does, Sir. She comes and goes as she pleases."

Arthur still didn't seem to believe me, which didn't come as a surprise to me. I pursed my lips and remained calm out of sheer force of will. Getting angry with any of the men on the council was not a very smart idea. I wouldn't get anywhere or convince him of anything by becoming angry.

"That's odd, because every time she left you were quick to follow her where ever she saw fit to go. Why is this time any different?"

My left eye twitched. Arthur had just severely crossed the line with that statement. I slowly rose from my chair, my fists clenched by my sides and my gaze never leaving his. I could feel myself start to shake, every fiber of my being wanting to pounce on the ancient man sitting in front of me and crush him. "It's time I got some work done. I would like some privacy." I was astonished by how much control I was exerting in staying calm. Frankly, I wanted to stuff my rod where it would never see the light of day again, but not giving him the reaction he wanted was just as satisfying.

I could tell that he had no idea how to respond. It took a few seconds of him staring blankly at me before he got up and shuffled towards the door. "Would you like me to summon Idalia for you?" He asked when he reached the door.

"No, thank you," I replied curtly. Arthur waited a few more seconds and, when I didn't say anything else, left without another word.

After my door had shut I sank back into my chair, completely exhausted. That little encounter had extinguished the last of my strength. I had only slept soundly for about two hours and the appealing thought of taking a nap right there on my desk was almost too much to pass up, but once I reminded myself about all the work I had yet to do that notion flew right out the window.

I had my first interruption of the day almost four hours after I asked Arthur to leave. I was surprised to discover that I could actually see the surface of my desk again. The stack of papers in my finished bin was quite extensive. Since Idalia isn't here I'm going to have to deliver those myself. Oh joy... I sighed in relief and fell back against my chair, rubbing my eyes. The knock that came to my door surprised me and I was glad for the interruption for once. Instead of screaming at the person on the other side of the door I decided to get up and answer it myself. I needed to stretch my legs anyways.

When I opened the door I was so flabbergasted by who was standing on the other side that I almost fell over. "Nooj," I choked out. "What an...unexpected surprise." And unexpected it most certainly was. Out of all my comrades I had not thought that Nooj would come to visit me. Yuna, Rikku or Gippal, yes, but not Nooj. We were on speaking terms but our friendship would probably never be the same again.

Hold on, how did he get here? It's not every day that the Meyvn of the Youth League just strolls into Bevelle Temple to have a little chat with the Praetor of New Yevon. Well he did infiltrate the Bevelle Underground without anyone knowing so this must have been a walk in the park for him. I closed my eyes and rolled them, that little piece of trivia was going to bug me for hours.

"Baralai," he greeted, inclining his head towards me. "I know that you probably don't want any company right now but Gippal called me."

I frowned. "So you felt obligated to come see me?" I questioned.

Nooj straightened his glasses, looking extremely uncomfortable. "I just wanted to make sure that you aren't going to...do anything foolish," he stated, his dark brown eyes meeting my own.

My heart dropped into my stomach as I realized what he meant. I cleared my throat and quickly looked around to ensure that no one was walking the halls before ushering him inside my office and directing him to a chair. I calmly settled down across from him and folded my hands in front of my face, staring at him from over my knuckles. My foot began to tap involuntarily.

"You think I'm going to turn into a Deathseeker, don't you?"

Nooj's lips straightened into a thin line. "I sought that liberation for an entirely different reason, but I do know that the pain of loss is excruciating. I can see it in your eyes. Even now you are suffering."

Those words hit home. The void where my heart used to be throbbed, threatening to tear me apart. "I'm not seeking death," I said through clenched teeth.

"Be that as it may, the state you're in right now is the reason that Gippal called me. Everyone is worried about you, Baralai."

"I'm not going to go completely insane if that's what you mean," I snapped, scowling at him. I bit down on my tongue, knowing that I wouldn't be able to control anything else I said.

"That's not what I meant," Nooj argued. He opened his mouth to say something else then quickly shut it a second later. He had dug himself into a hole and he knew it.

After a few more minutes of agonizing silence I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. "What exactly are you doing here, Nooj?" The words flew out of my mouth so fast that they sounded like gibberish to me. "If you're only here to remind me about how much I miss her then we have nothing else to say to each other." I roughly turned away from him and went to stand in front of my office window, my mind reeling.

I vaguely heard Nooj shuffling around behind me and I was hoping that he was going to leave. When he laid his human hand down on my shoulder my hands started shaking. "Believe it or not, Baralai, I do not take joy in causing you physical or emotional pain. I just want to help."

I swallowed the bile that had risen up my throat. "Your help is neither wanted nor needed. It was nice of you to stop by."

Nooj was silent for a few moments more before he sighed and walked away from me. I heard the door open. "Don't shut us out, Baralai. You're not the only one that misses her."

I turned back to look at him but by then he had already left. I sighed and returned to my chair, sinking into it and leaning my head against the back. I was not seeking death, the reaper had found me of his own accord and had taken part of me with him: the part of me that now resided in Zanarkand. I need to get her back, I thought. If I don't, I'll never be whole again.