Chapter XXIV
Drifting
(Baralai)
It all happened so fast. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, too many things. I could fill a book up with all the words that were inside my head. At least I was able to tell her I loved her one last time. For some odd reason, though, I kept feeling like I had been cheated somehow. Kept feeling that this should have turned out differently. At first, I just kept on telling myself that I was dreaming, that I was going to wake up soon and all of this would turn out to be a very bad nightmare.
There's a rather odd sensation that comes over you when you die. The thing I found most unsettling was I could still feel the intense excruciating pain of my stab wound. Besides that, death was a rather pleasant experience. It felt like I was floating on a cloud and my entire body was warm, like I was basking in the sun.
And for the first time in years, I had some peace. Death really is the ultimate liberation, but not at the price of leaving the people I loved most. My mother and father... Holy Shiva...what's going to happen to my mother when she finds out I'm dead...? She's already lost one son. It's going to absolutely destroy her to lose the only one she has left. I couldn't even begin to express how hard I fought to stay alive while I laid there bleeding to death in the clearing as Paine held me in her arms. There were at least three instances where I could have died long before I told Paine I loved her. I refused to let go until I had spoken those words.
Paine... Aria... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you.
Then, without warning, my feet hit solid ground hard. I was so startled that, before I could regain my footing, I crashed to the ground. My eyes snapped open but I slammed them shut a second later as a pure blinding light surrounded me. It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust but even then I was still squinting. I had no idea where I was. Stretched out in front of me for miles was nothing but an endless expanse of white. I got to my feet and turned around, already knowing what I was going to see, and almost jumped out of my skin when I saw a woman standing not five feet away from me.
At first I thought it was Paine or, rather, what Paine used to look like when she had been Aria. There was something different about her though. She looked older, much older than Paine's nineteen years. My eyes widened as they met the startlingly blue gaze of the woman and I felt something click in my brain. I knew who she was.
"You're Paine's mother." My voice sounded strange, like I hadn't used it in years as it reverberated in the air around me.
When she smiled I felt my heart start thumping on the inside of my rib cage. Paine's likeness to her mother was remarkable. "I am Aven. Aria, who you know as Paine, is my daughter."
A lump settled in my throat as I tried to swallow. Aven had been dead now for nine years. The fact that she was here with me right now only solidified the fact that I was dead as well. It made it more real somehow.
"So I'm dead then," I said, my voice only sounding a little shaky. I didn't phrase my statement as a question. I didn't need to hear the harsh truth from Aven's mouth.
She chuckled and the sound reminded me of Paine so much that my eyes began to water around the edges. I turned my face away from her so she wouldn't see me wipe my eyes, which almost caused me to miss what she said next. "Not quite. You're on the brink, but you haven't crossed over yet."
I stared at her with shock written all over my face, trying to figure out whether or not she was joking. "But...how?" I asked incredulously.
"You have my daughter to thank for that. She brought you back to New Yevon head quarters after you...passed out from loss of blood. She thinks you've died."
The fact that I was technically still alive totally blew my mind. I just couldn't wrap it around that fact. I had pretty much already accepted that I was dead. To hear from Paine's own mother that I hadn't died was...massive.
"Why am I here then?" I asked, having to fold my hands in front of me to prevent them from shaking.
"You're being given a choice." She smiled and took a few steps towards me. "I already know what you're going to choose, but I have to let you know. The possibility that you can still die is great."
I gulped and my left eye twitched as I ran that possibility through my mind. I knew that I just couldn't give up because there was a chance that I could still die. I couldn't take the easy way out when I was being given a choice. I squared my jaw and looked Aven straight in the eye. "I'm not giving up."
A wide smile graced her beautiful features and lit up her eyes. "Then what are waiting for?" She reached up and pushed me backwards gently. My breath caught in my throat as I fell away from her. I became lightheaded, my vision started to blur around the edges and, before long, I had totally blacked out.
I was vaguely aware of a fair amount of people surrounding me. Their voices were frantic; I could only imagine why. I couldn't understand what they were saying. All their voices were mixing together, creating an aggravating conflagration. I tried moving my fingers or even opening my eyes but it was like those connections in my brain had been severed. I wasn't even breathing on my own. There was a tube stuffed uncomfortably down my throat providing me with oxygen.
I could still feel my stab wound as well. It felt like it was on fire. I wanted to reach up and scratch it but the fact that I couldn't even move put a damper on that idea. The fact that I wasn't even in control of my own actions was enough to drive me insane. That thought brought me back to the clearing and the memory of what Paine's face looked like. It was filled with malice, hatred and, most of all, absolutely no recognition. It was like she had never even met me. But then there was that one instance where she had almost seemed normal, almost like herself. Before I even had a chance to act on her change in attitude, it had vanished and the cold indifference in her eyes was back.
I knew that what was happening to me was nothing like what she had gone through but I did know that, in essence, our situations were vaguely similar. I was pretty confident that Paine felt just about as unsettled as I felt right now. So I did something that she would do if she were in my place: I fought against it.
At first I concentrated solely on just twitching one of my fingers. It was difficult to say the least. It was hard for me to pick up from where I left off when I fell asleep and I totally lost my grip on the passage of time; it felt like I was asleep more often than I was awake. Days could have gone by and I wouldn't have noticed. I take great pride in the fact that I have a deep well of patience but I found myself getting extremely impatient over the fact that I couldn't even twitch my fingers. I finally made some progress after who knows how long. Along with twitching my fingers I had been working on wiggling my toes and I was beyond proud when I managed to do both at the same time. Alright, now my eyelids.
It was a little easier this time around but once I got my eyes opened I was faced with another dilemma. They wouldn't focus. For lack of a better word, I was getting increasingly aggravated along with how impatient I already was. Instead of losing my cool though I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I wouldn't get anywhere by getting frustrated. To help my eyes focus I continued to blink them rapidly, hoping it would work. It seemed to help a little bit because I could make out the white washed walls and ceiling of a hospital room. The beeping of the heart monitor next to me gave it away.
The first thing I did when my eyes were in focus was look down at where Paine had stabbed me. After it had happened I didn't have the stomach to look down. I know she had missed her initial target, thank Yevon. I wouldn't be here right now if she hadn't come to her senses. I had to say that I was relieved that the scratchy hospital gown I was wearing concealed it from view. A part of me didn't really want to see it just yet.
I was slowly getting control of my body back and I had the feeling that the culprit behind my temporary paralysis was a drug that the hospital personnel were giving me, possibly a sedative or something. I could barely tell whenever there was a nurse or doctor in the room with me. I did realize, though, that I was hooked up to a catheter and I couldn't wait to get it out.
I would also immensely enjoy getting this tube taken out of my throat as well, I thought as I reached up to touch it. I could feel it scraping up against my windpipe when I swallowed which was very uncomfortable and made me feel like gagging. The blasted piece of rubber and plastic was held in place by medical tape and my hand twitched as the urge to remove it fell over me.
Right when I gave in to that urge and was reaching for the tape, Yuna and Rikku came through the door. I was so startled that I almost started choking. As soon as Yuna and Rikku saw me awake they instantly began freaking out and screaming into the hallway that I was conscious. Then they began bombarding me with any and every question they could think of. After about thirty seconds my ears couldn't handle it anymore. Since I couldn't talk I had to resort to waving my hands around like a Neanderthal to get their attention.
A few seconds later, three medical personnel burst into the room. Each of them stared slack jawed at me like I had risen from the dead. A nurse walked over to the screens that were stationed above my head and began fiddling with them. When the other nurse came over and began to remove the tube from my throat I almost started trembling with joy. I felt like vomiting while she removed the tube but I fought it off. My throat was parched but I was just happy to have that blasted thing out of me.
The man that was standing at the foot of my bed, flipping furiously through a pile of papers on his clipboard, I assumed was my doctor. "How are you feeling, Sir?" He asked, managing to keep his voice as calm as he could.
I felt like laughing for some odd reason but the only sound that came out was a strange wheezing cough. "All things considering I feel pretty good." My voice sounded just as bad as my laugh, which wasn't saying much. I could tell by the look on the doctor's face that I hadn't masked my sarcasm very well. It was his fault, after all, for asking such an asinine question. "How long have I been out?" I asked, needing to know that answer more than anything. It was almost embarrassing to hear myself speak. Frankly, I sounded like an old man.
The doctor, whose last name I discovered was Mason from looking at his name tag, rapped his fingers against the back of his clipboard for a few seconds. I looked over at Yuna and Rikku, becoming even more worried when I saw the way they were staring at me. I swallowed nervously, immediately thinking of the worst case scenario. "You were in a coma like state for nine days. This is the first time you've been conscious since you were brought in here."
I physically felt the blood drain out of my face at that revelation. No wonder it had been so difficult for me to move. Almost two weeks? It took that long for me to regain control? My mind was working a million miles a minute but it was like that information just wouldn't compute. I couldn't possibly have been unconscious for nine days, maybe two or three but not nine.
I started stammering incoherently which made me cough a few times. "How did I get here?" I questioned, graciously accepting a cup of water one of the nurses handed me.
"I was told by the priests at the temple that the woman that tried to kill you brought you to them. She...dumped you in the middle of the table in the council chambers then disappeared." Dr. Mason's voice took on a harsh undertone as he recounted those events for me. I could barely remember what had transpired the night that I had almost died because of how long I had been out.
My whole body went rigid and my eyes widened as I really, truly realized what Aven had told me. "She thinks I'm dead," I mumbled more to myself than to the people in the room with me.
"That's what the priests are hoping," Dr. Mason stated. "The Warrior Monks have found no trace of her though. I assure you, Praetor – "
I scoffed and cut him off. "None of them are going to find her, not in Bevelle anyway. I need to speak privately with Lady Yuna and Lady Rikku." That was one of my more 'indirect' dismissals and I was relieved that Dr. Mason took the hint the first time around, leaving quickly with the two nurses closely behind him.
I looked at Yuna and Rikku, my muscles still tense and my face serious. "She thinks I'm dead," I repeated, those four simple words hanging precariously in the air above us.
They nodded their heads in unison, they already knew of whom I was speaking. "If she thinks you're dead then why did she bring you back?" Rikku asked, her thin eyebrows furrowing slightly. "From what we heard she left your guards where they were. If she thinks she killed you then why didn't she leave you like she left them?"
I winced at Rikku's choice of words. They were harsh, but true; we both knew that. I shook my head, just about as confused as she was. "I don't know. That's what doesn't make any sense to me either. Maybe she didn't want to just leave me out there? I don't know." I paused and took another sip of water, the cool liquid working wonders on my parched throat. "I suppose you heard from the grapevine that I was here?"
Yuna nodded. "Just the other day. We got here as soon as we could. Tidus wanted to come. He really did," she apologized. "but he had a big Blitzball tournament that he couldn't miss."
"Both Gippal and Nooj were up to their armpits in work but they promise to be here as soon as they're able," Rikku said, rolling her eyes.
A gentle rapping on the door momentarily interrupted us and I bade the person on the other end to enter. It was one of the nurses that had been here earlier. She smiled warmly as she closed the door behind her. "I need to change your bandages, Praetor Baralai." She raised the bed up so it would be easier for me to sit upright then helped me scoot back. Every movement I made shot lancing hot pain through my side. By the time I was comfortable again a thin sheen of sweat was coating my face. The nurse looked at me warily. "Would you like something for the pain?"
I nodded. "After you change these bandages. I can endure it for a little longer."
"Alright," she replied. Once she had firmly tucked my bed sheets around my waist she helped me lift the itchy gown that I was wearing to expose the dressing. Then she walked over to the sink on the other side of the room and rummaged around in the cabinets. She returned with a pair of gloves, cotton swabs and a container that I couldn't see into. "This might sting a little," she warned as she pulled the gloves onto her hands.
I felt myself getting nervous when I knew I shouldn't be. I had to grip the bed sheets until my knuckles turned bone white to prevent everyone from seeing that my hands were trembling. The nurse approached me and slowly began to peel off the bandage as well as the small piece of gauze that was tightly taped over it. I looked down reluctantly, almost holding my breath, as my wound came into view. I felt the blood drain out of my face when I saw what Paine had done to me. Instead of the clean stab wound I was expecting to see there was about a two inch slice across my abdomen. It wasn't very deep believe it or not. From what I could see it was only about an inch deep. It looked like it was healing nicely even though it was only being held together by a piece of gauze and a few strips of medical tape; it was even beginning to scab around the edges.
"You holding up okay?" She questioned once the old dressing was totally off.
I nodded and took a deep breath to clear my head. "Yeah, I'm fine," I mumbled, unable to take my eyes away from my injury.
I watched intently as she dabbed one of the cotton swabs inside the container. The solution she pulled out was about as white as the cotton, which made me think that it was only an anesthetic. When she began applying it to my stomach I had to bite down on my tongue to prevent myself from screaming. I wanted to scoot as far away from that piece of cotton as I could but I knew I had to keep still and endure it.
After a new bandage was placed over my gruesome wound she handed me two pills and a cup of water. I swallowed them quickly, hoping they would take affect soon. After the initial sting of the solution had passed I could barely feel my injury at all. I was guessing the solution had a numbing agent in it. "Today is the last day we'll be putting a dressing over that," the nurse announced. "The doctor wants it to be exposed to the air so it will scab and heal a little quicker."
I nodded, not very enthusiastic about that. Seeing it once was more than enough for me but the sooner it healed the better. The nurse left, leaving instructions to let her or one of the other nurses know if I needed anything. I thanked her and was silently wishing that I could leave.
A yawn snuck up on me and my eyelids started to droop against my will. Rikku noticed this and immediately began to push Yuna out the door. "We'll let you get some rest, Baralai. Nooj and Gippal should be here by the time you wake up." They waved good-bye and I waved back, so exhausted that my hand barely lifted off the surface of the mattress. I was asleep before I knew it.
While I slept I had a few very strange dreams. Paine was in each and every one of them, but that isn't what was weird about them. The two dreams that totally scared me senseless felt more like visions than anything. The first was of Paine sitting on a rock near the water's edge in Zanarkand, grief painted on her face like a mask. It felt as though my mind was connected with hers. I could feel everything she was feeling and I could also hear her thoughts. I was immensely thrilled, but as soon as I heard what she was thinking about I was appalled. She was planning on killing Kaiser and after she killed him she was going to end her own life. In her mind, she saw no reason for her to go on living without me.
My stomach clenched painfully like someone had punched me. No, you can't do that! I screamed, wishing she could hear me. I'm alive! Don't be stupid! That dream ended abruptly and another one sprang up in front of me right away. This one was the worst, by far.
In the second dream, I was in the middle of a burning battlefield. Zanarkand's landscape for miles around was scorched. Right when I was wondering how this had happened I heard someone's labored breathing below me. My eyes almost popped out of my skull when I saw Paine's bloody and burned form laying in front of me. There were numerous deep gashes all over her body and her hands were badly burned, like she had stuck them right in the middle of a raging inferno. My breath caught in my throat when her eyes met mine. Her mouth moved like she wanted to say something but couldn't. One lone tear fell from her eye before the life was sucked out of them and her body stilled.
I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. Yuna and Rikku had returned with Nooj and Gippal and all of them just about fell out of their chairs in fright. They ran over to me to help calm me down but my mind was still on that battlefield, the image of Paine lying dead before me burned into my memories. I was hyperventilating by the time I stopped screaming and Gippal's voice was the one that brought me back to the present.
"Lai, look at me!" He shouted, wrenching my head around towards his. "Breathe, man! Breathe!" Looking into his emerald green Al Bhed swirl was oddly hypnotic and succeeded in helping me relax. Gippal detected this and smiled. "Yeah, that's it, Lai. Deep breaths now."
"Baralai, what's wrong?" Nooj questioned, his face coming into my field of vision.
"I need to get to Zanarkand...now."
Gippal let go of my head and looked at me like I was crazy. "You can't be serious. You just woke up from a coma, man! You're not fit to go anywhere right now."
"I don't care! I have to go to Zanarkand," I said evenly. "If I don't Paine's going to die!"
Rikku shot Yuna an odd look then brought her eyes back to me. "What do you mean? How do you know that?"
"I know it's going to sound completely nuts, but I dreamed about it."
"It was only a dream, Baralai. It wasn't real," Nooj scolded, a disapproving look on his face.
"No, it wasn't just a dream!" I exclaimed, coming dangerously close to losing my cool. "It's going to happen! I need to get to Zanarkand! If none of you are going to help me then I'll do it myself!"
An eerie silence fell over the room. The only sounds were the accelerated rate of the heart monitor above me and my heavy breathing. I couldn't stress enough to them the sense of urgency I felt about this. Paine's life was hanging in the balance and my survival would all be in vain if she died.
I looked at each of my friends in turn and when my gaze fell on Yuna that's where they stayed. My breath caught in my throat when I saw the look of pure determination that was shining in her bi-colored eyes. I knew if I couldn't reach anyone else I had definitely gotten through to Yuna. Then, without saying anything, she whipped around and left my room. I had to bite down on the insides of my cheeks to hold back from smiling. If there was anyone to persuade the medical personnel to release me early, it was her.
I was literally holding my breath when Yuna came back in. "Dr. Mason said the earliest he can get you out of here is mid-afternoon tomorrow. He needs to make sure your wound will heal correctly...so they're going to be stitching it closed. He wanted to let it heal naturally without stitches, but because of the circumstances he wants to make sure it won't open back up."
I nodded, my mouth stretched into a thin line. Now I wasn't happy about getting stitches but if it would help me get out of here faster – help me see Paine faster – then I was all for it. The only thing I cared about was being in Zanarkand by nightfall tomorrow.
