My mind is going a mile a minute, who is she; are they still involved? How serious? Engagement? Marriage? Kids? Wait he never said it was just one relationship was it more? Did he fall in love? Is he over it? Why do I care so much or at all. I'm married; soon to be divorced but none the less I got married made a life with someone new after Eli and i broke up. I moved on I should be happy he did... but did I really move on? Is it possible i never really did? If I had then the information Eli just shared with me probably wouldn't feel like a knife in my heart that's being twisted every time I think about him with another girl.
"o-oh" is all i manage to say. It's best to keep all my questions to myself anyway. I just hope he can't see how much his answer effected me.
"we aren't together anymore if you're wondering" His words come out flat but I could sense more emotion behind them. Maybe he's not over her, or it ended badly.
"I'm sorry to hear that" I reply placing my hand over his comfortingly. I'll never admit it but it was a lie all i felt when he said that was relief even with the suspicion he may not be over whoever this mystery girl is.
"well as much as I hate to cut our game short; I should go to bed now it's late, I have to be up early in the morning and we both know I can get a little crazy without sleep." He says flashing a flirtatious smile adding a wink for exaggeration. He's probably thinking about the same late nights we spent together as I am.
"goodnight Eli, thank you for being here for me when you didn't have to be." I say whole heartedly reaching in and giving him a tight hug.
"always" He whispers soft and sweet in my ear before walking back to his bedroom; the same one we used to share.
Letting go and watching him walk down the hall was harder than I anticipated it would be. My heart is telling me to follow him and lay in his arms like I used to, i want that spot beside him in his bed to be mine but I know that's long gone now. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself things with us ended badly no cross that out disastrously. I'll never forget that day.
The look on his face the complete brokenness I felt inside the loss of control I had over myself and my actions because of his. I know I can't allow myself to be with Eli again but maybe just for tonight? No I can't. Can I?
I could blame it on being in a vulnerable state and needing to feel loved it would make perfect sense to find that in the man I loved and spent my life with for six years but, even if I did that I'll always know the truth. My wanting to walk into that room has nothing to do with kaleb and everything to do with unresolved feelings for Eli. If i I were to do that would that be fair to either of us knowing I have no intention of being in a relationship with him again?
Buzz, Buzz, buzz.
I hear the sound of my phone vibrating on the coffee table perplexed by who would possibly be calling me at one in the morning on a Thursday I decide to get up from my comfortable spot on Eli's couch and check. Picking up my phone the name on the screen is the last one I want to see right now; kaleb. Why is he calling me if he cared at all about me he wouldn't have had an affair for probably months with his ex girlfriend and he damn sure wouldn't have gotten her pregnant if he didn't wanted to be with me he would have told me before crawling into bed with someone else. Without a second thought I press ignore and shut my phone off.
After laying back down all i can do is toss and turn. I can't shut my thoughts off it's now three in the morning and I have gotten no sleep. My eyes wander to the door down the hall; Eli's room. I know I shouldn't go in there and I try to resist with all the willpower in my body but somehow my feet move on their own accord down the hall. As I reach the door I place my hand on the knob before taking a moment to calm my nerves I can feel myself shaking in anticipation over what might happen if I go inside with Eli anything is possible.
Slowly I open the door revealing the bedroom we once shared, not much has changed other than the pictures of us are now gone another pang to the heart I know it shouldn't be did I really expect him to keep them up after that night? After everything that was said? I'm pretty sure the last thing he wanted was to see those pictures of happy times taunting him. My eyes finally stop at the bed where Eli is sleeping peacefully his hair a mess and the sound of his light snoring filling the quiet room. Maybe if I just quietly climb in bed beside him he won't wake up, in the morning I'll just tell him I had a bad dream or something.
I tiptoe slowly to the bed and softly climb in careful not to make any more sound than necessary. Once I'm in the bed I snuggle into his side his body heat warming me I breath in his scent loving the calming feeling it's giving me as much as I know this is wrong it's exactly what i needed probably longer than just tonight. I close my eyes just taking in the feeling I have in this moment because I intend on it being the last time I have this with Eli it's bittersweet. Just as I begin to drift asleep to the sound of his breathing and relaxing into the feeling of his chest rising and falling I'm pulled back by a different sound.
"Clare?" Eli's groggy voice interrupts my peacefulness. I have no idea what to do.
