Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related, which is why I have almost nothing related to Twilight in my story…
In other news, I have now discovered how to name chapters on the little scroll down menu thingy! Go me!
So that means I don't have to remember to put it at the top of each section. Yay!
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After that first feeding, I ran. I ran from my fate. I ran from the loneliness. I ran from the temptation of human blood. I did not stop running because I found I did not have to stop. I had retained my strength from my previous life. I realized that I had unwittingly become the world's best predator. Unfortunately this made it even worse. To catch and kill anything in the world was absolutely effortless for me. The problem was that I did not want to catch anything. What kind of twisted sense of humor did God have? Everything about my curse seemed designed to torture me.
Running away only solved the problem of smelling human blood. I hoped that if I did not smell it, the temptation would be easier to resist. In a way it helped, but I could not erase the memory of relief from my parched throat, the sweet blood cooling the burn as I drank. Again, even this memory brought its own form of torture, for remembering the relief also brought to mind the look in the dead man's eyes.
No matter how far I ran, I could not run far enough to get away from the memories. No matter how fast I ran, my fate always followed close on my heels. I wanted to die, but I was afraid of death. Not necessarily of the actual act of dying, for how could anything be more painful than the life I was leading? No, I was afraid of what came after. Besides, I did not know how to kill myself. It did not matter how long I went without feeding, I didn't die. For months I tried to ignore the burn in my throat, but nothing could relieve it. I tried eating human food, digging up roots and stealing grain. Nothing strengthened me. Eventually I grew nearly crazy with thirst. The pain in my throat reached a level that was almost unbearable.
I had wandered far at this point and I had no idea where I was. I had not seen a living creature in days, not surprising considering all the animals could sense my presence and hid at the first sign that I was coming. I did not feel like running anymore. I did not feel like anything anymore. I lay curled up next to a small pool of water in the middle of a desert, trying to hide from my fate. I preferred the desert because the heat felt nice on my cold skin. I hid in the shade of a scrubby little tree growing beside the water, disliking the glitter of my skin in the sun, reminding me of more simple times.
"You are back, I see."
My whole body stiffened in reaction to that voice. Soft, unassuming, but no longer pleasant. Definitely not pleasant anymore. There was too much pain and guilt associated with this creature. Oh how I had hoped that I would never see or hear from him again. "What do you want?" My intended snarl came out sounding more like a whimper.
"I want to help you."
"I don't need your help!" I yelled. "You've already 'helped' quite enough, thank you. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be like this!" My voice was losing its strength, trailing off into a whisper. "None of this would have happened…"
"You know you really shouldn't feel guilty, none of this is your fault."
"I know. It's yours," I snapped. Why didn't he just leave me alone? Was it not enough for him to have destroyed me so completely, now he had to come back and remind me of it? As if I could forget.
"You keep placing the blame on the wrong source. Who was it that cursed you to this fate? Who left you with no other options?"
I didn't answer.
"I believe that would be the 'God of Love' that did this to you," he scoffed. "You have no reason to fight this. Don't feel guilty for what He made you become. If you do, you are just allowing Him to have even more power over you. You are better than this! You could be glorious, ruling over the whole earth. Nations would fall at your feet, bowing before your majesty. All you need to do is seize the opportunity that is placed before you. You are a model of perfection!* Truly a god among men. Your beauty is magnificent and your wisdom is great. Just because He decided you were no longer worthy does not mean that you are not. He just wanted to eliminate the competition."
I was barely listening to the serpent anymore. What could he have to say to me that was of any importance now? He had already said way too much long ago and I had listened, with disastrous consequences.
A small breeze started up, disturbing the sand around me. I watched the grains swirl around in the air, captivated by the beauty in the patterns forming and scattering. At times like this, I could not help but wonder at the beauty of this world, almost forgetting the burn in my throat that was the sign of what I had become.
Suddenly the breeze shifted and I shot away from the peaceful oasis without thinking, the snake left behind, forgotten, but wholly satisfied with this new turn of events.
The smell of a human was in the air and I had gone for so long without feeding that I could not have stop myself even if I had tried. I was going on pure instinct, flying over the sand towards that delicious scent.
I quickly found the small herd of goats near the edge of the desert and the young woman tending them. I slowed instinctively and stalked forward, not wanted to alert the animals to my presence. Not that it would have made a difference in whether I caught the human or not. I kept a good distance as I circled the herd to get to the woman. I felt a small a small prick of guilt as I closed in my prey. It was just a defenseless woman. Someone probably cared about her. What would her parents think when she did not come home? My own loneliness smacked painfully as I thought about the family she might have. I quickly pushed the thoughts away, too consumed by my thirst to try to deal with any other pain.
Still, I did not want to cause her any unnecessary pain, so once I had a clear path, I went for it. In less than half a second, I was by her side and I grabbed her. As I bent down for the bite, my gaze caught on her shocked expression. Again, the fear tore at my conscience. Again, I pushed the pain away and closed my eyes. If I couldn't see her pain, maybe it wouldn't be added to mine. She did not even have time to scream. Once I had finished, I lay the body down refusing to look at it in its pale and broken state. A wisp of her hair brushed my arm as I let her go and I felt like I had been burned.
Instead of feeling full, I felt completely empty. Not hungry, just hollow. As if all my insides had been removed while I was drinking, leaving gaping holes that refused to close.
I began running again. Maybe if I ran fast enough I could leave the pain behind, the pain that I had blocked out for a few minutes, trying to find peace. The problem was, in those few minutes, the pain had somehow managed to increase to excruciating proportions. I had murdered another human.
"Why God?" I couldn't hold the question in any longer. "Why did you make me this way? You could have just killed me! Why…?" I sank to the ground, unwilling or unable to move any further, I couldn't tell which. I felt paralyzed, my body no longer doing what my mind commanded. Or maybe it was my mind that had the problem. I had lost the ability to process anything other than the absolute horror at what I had become.
I didn't want to think anymore. If I couldn't think, I couldn't feel and if I couldn't feel, there would be no more pain. No matter how hard I tried, the thoughts kept pouring back into my mind. I would try to block one train of thought from going into more painful territory and ten more would crop up to take its place. The questions were the most agonizing. Why was I allowed to keep my life? If my existence could indeed qualify as a life, which I was inclined to doubt. How could I have been so stupid in the garden, not seeing the lies the serpent told me for what they were? I had allowed myself to be deceived. I realized that now. I had wanted the snake's words to be true, so I believed them without question. I could not lay the blame at any other door but my own.
I needed options. But what options were there for me?
All I knew was that I did not want to be a murderer.
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*Alluding to a Bible passage. If you can figure out what passage, it might give you a hint about a later plot development.
Aaahhhhhh!!! What's going to happen? What exactly are Ethan's options at this point? That is the question! Anyway. It's kinda late and I'm getting a little silly, but I need to start writing chapter seven soon otherwise I am going to be way behind. Please, please, please review! I love hearing what you think and I will most likely reply. I love my friends, but I really like randomly talking to people I don't know online. It makes life interesting. So review!!
