Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
Chapter 8
It was so silent. The distant sounds of someone cleaning in the apartment next door, some ninja unrning across the roof, the heavy raindrops crashing into the windowpane. It was all very isolating. Outside the atmosphere was thick and cold. Thick with water that fell from the cold sky. The sound of it pushing at the grand window bring tears to my eyes. Everything is just so cold. And all I have is him. And I can't even really have him. We're so close, but I'm so numb I can't even feel how warm he is. What he's whispering in my ear is as muffled as the scream inside my chest. Nothing is heard.
I'm leaning on his torso as he leans at the armrest of the old worn couch. I can't see his face. But I know he's pale and that his hair is a greasy butter colour from not having showered in awhile. And he is still trying to comfort me. Still trying to think of Something.
But this is it. This really is It.
And I just wanna cry. Wanna get rid of the stinging feeling in my nose that's spreading to the spot between my eyes, making them sting as well. I wanna let out what could brun away everything. Dissolve reality into bubbles of sputtering liquid. I wanna pour the old stench of acid out of me. I wanna hold 'im close an' neve' let go. But I know that my arms won't hold and that my throat won't scream when he leaves tomorrow. When he leaves for his big promotion. When he starts to pretend we're friends. And I've been knocked up in some distant country by a nobody like some kind of slut. Most people will doubt that. They've always expected me to make the biggest mistakes. Because I don't fit normal of course I'll make un-normal mistakes. Assholes. I hate them so very much. There's a pressure building up inside my skull and I'll have to swallow it. Have to try to see through the fog. Try to focus on the window that never breaks when it rains.
I wanted to build something. Nest. Make a home. And they who have no right to question that feeling, orders me to stand back. Because that is more important. And I'm pretending it's fine. I don't want him to know how much it hurts. I want him to think that I'm still the independent girl I always was. That he fell in love with. That nothing has changed. That I never wanted to have all those laughs, all those fights about nothings, the threads of a dream never unravelled. Because this is his dream. And I love him. He was smiling when they told him, but crushed when they revealed him their conditions. And I smiled and pretended it was fine when in reality I was throwing pieces of my soul at them. Screaming silently as I tore it out.
At least I have him. My family. My own blood. My new reason for living. I'll hold on to him forever. And nobody can take him from me. Nobody will be able to. Because I'm his mother. Nobody can take that away from me.
As I lean back to try to talk to him I'm faced with a face of brittle stone. He's so pale that I can spot and trace the veins on his temple even as they disappear into that sun scorched platinum blonde hair of his. His jaw is shacking. Vibrating in response to some inner thought. And the rims of his eyes are dark red. Like he's been possessed and cannot get it out again. I lift a hand to poke his cheek. I want to coax out a smile from him, break the facade. Try to reach the man inside so that he'll tell me what he's thinking. I want to know what he's thinking before he disappears and I don't know him anymore. His lips part in a dry sigh as my finger is close in on his face. And when he speaks I truly want to hit him.
"This is not what I wanted. What I dreamed about. I never contemplated the dark side to 'getting stronger to protect everyone'. Never thought about all the enemies I'd make and what responsibilities it would mean. I never thought I'd be too weak to protect my own family."
I can't speak. I really can't speak. I just feel so heavy. So heavy and numb. And he becomes silent again. And I lay my head on his shoulder again. Twisting a bit so that my enlarged stomach does not make me more uncomfortable than I already am. And a stray thought shoots through my mind and out my mind and by my mouth it enters the world:
"If he kicks now…Would you feel it?"
I can feel him rest his eyes on me. Feel him shift slightly, feel his mind pick up its pace and then he suddenly hugs me tight. Suddenly stops living inside his mind.
"Not now. But I'll be here when he does."
"No, you won't."
"Yes, I will."
I try to break the contact and make him understand that he can't have it both ways. Life does not work like that. Even if you want it to. Life has always been unfair.
"Ku-Kushina listen to me" he stutters as he holds me down and presses his forehead to mine blowing dry, hot air on my cheek as he takes a deep breath before murmuring:
"I'll make it work. We'll be careful. I won't be around every day. But I will be here. I'll stay some nights. Sensei--. Everyone will help us. We'll keep it a secret. I'll think of a plan. I just need you to believe in me. Kushina I really want to come home to you every day. And-- and I want to hold my son. If they take that away from me, for what reason would I want to keep that seat? I want to work hard ever day to keep everyone safe, and then I want to come home to you." He seems so certain suddenly. Suddenly so much stronger. The blush on his cheeks, the focus and steel in his eyes make him seem so alive. So vivid. And so victorious. Of course he'll make it. And I try not to smile as I pull out the pillow underneath him making him fall down unto the couch, making him an excellent victim as I hit him a few times with it.
"Like I'll be staying home waiting for you all day! You have no brain if you think I'm going to be a house wife!"
Between the hits I can hear him protesting. But his tone is warm. Is ringing. And as he escapes behind the armrest and pulls back towards the kitchen with a smile promising sweets when he returns he replies:
"You forget my soon-wife-to-be, I'll soon be Hokage and handing out missions as I please. You better play nice or you'll be cleaning together with the genins come spring"
I can honestly say none of us was prepared for my response to that sentence. One second I'm rolling around like a stranded whale on the couch due to my additional weight, the next I'm screaming like a banshee and coming at him with fingers crooked and poised to kill. Serves him right. Precious asshole.
