"I have to go to DC this week for a few days." Rafael announced at the breakfast table.
"Will you be home in time for my dance competition this weekend?" Noah asked.
"Wouldn't miss it my love,"
"When do you fly out?" Olivia asked.
"Tomorrow morning." He replied as he got up to place his plate in the dishwasher.
"I am going to work in Carisi's office today. He asked me to go through a few things with him." Olivia watched as he dropped a kiss on Noah's head then hers before heading out the door.
It had been weeks since that night he walked in on her and Elliot. Rafael had been supportive in walking through the trauma with her and Noah. He was gracious beyond what she deserved but there was a distinct difference in his manner, at home and with her. It was like a wall now stood between them that she wasn't quite sure could ever be torn down. She was well aware of the significant part she played in that and she was doing her best not to push him and allowing him to take the lead. He would hold her whilst she slept keeping at bay the nightmares, but she knew he got up in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. He rose before Noah to make sure he didn't suspect anything, but she could see the exhaustion on his face.
That night Olivia got home long after he had gone to sleep. They had caught a new case and she wasn't able to leave early as she had hoped wanting to spend some time with Rafael before he left, acutely aware of the growing distance between them. She wasn't surprised to find him asleep on Noah's bed. Noah was back to having nightmares. She watched them longingly. Knowing their dynamics had shifted.
He woke to find her sitting in their dining room with a cup of tea in her hand. He placed a hand on her shoulder as he passed her to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. After taking a couple of breaths he sat on the chair directly in front of her.
"Babish asked if I would consider working from DC for the next 6 months. There's a policy he would like to me to head, and it would require me being in DC primarily. I would still get to go home most weekends, but primarily I would be DC based. At this point I would only be committing to 6 months. It's probably not a bad idea." He added looking away. Tears ran down Olivia's face,
"You're leaving?"
"I think I need to." He replied swallowing the lump in his throat.
"Liv, I know you love me. I know you love the idea of us as a family. What that looks like. From the moment Elliot walked back into your life there has been a question mark in your heart that wonders whether Elliot should be where I am."
"No Rafa," she protested.
"Your words say no Liv, but your actions have screamed otherwise. I thought, I thought I could love you enough. That I could love us enough, for the both of us but I can't. The longer I sit in this the more I lose myself. I love you. Wholeheartedly and unwavering, but I can't keep doing this with you because I am starting to lose respect for myself. I love you. I love Noah, and if staying meant that would make you both happy I would do it and there would be no regrets, but I don't want Noah to look at me and start to see me the way I am starting to see myself." Olivia felt the weight of his words and how he had gotten there by her actions.
"I'm so sorry Rafael. Whilst my actions may have spoken otherwise, I can't see myself living this life with anyone else. You are the person I see beside me in every scenario,"
"Except I wasn't." He said softly.
"To this day, you look to your partner to keep you safe. Regardless of those ten years where he disappeared without a word and went to live his life with his wife and family. It was like the moment he walked back in, he was reinstated. It didn't matter about the rest of us who were there in all the years he was gone. Your first instinct is to protect him," she knew he was referring to Wheatley.
"We can't keep having these moments Olivia. Maybe what you need to do is be honest with yourself, regardless how ugly that may look. If it's him, own it. You deserve to be happy. Not content, happy. I know I can bring you contentment, but I will not live the rest of our lives wondering if someone else could have made you happier or know that someone else could make you happier. I deserve better than that."
"I want you Rafa."
"Why?" He asked,
"Because I bring stability. Because I love you. Because I love Noah. Because I would do anything for either of you?"
"Yes, all that and more."
"That's not enough for me Liv. I wish it were, but it isn't. The thought of leaving our home, leaving Noah, leaving you kills me, but I know if I stay. I just can't."
"Will you come home on weekends?" She saw him hesitate,
"If you're okay with that, otherwise I am sure I can stay with Mami."
"Of course Rafa. This is your home. We are your home and we want you to be here." She answered as she he looked uncertain. Olivia stood from her chair and walked over to his side and stood in front of him leaning against the dining table. Rafael looked up as she cupped his cheek, he saw the sorrow in her eyes and it was enough to knock the wind from his stomach and take back everything he had just said.
"I love you. You know that. I am sorry that you will always doubt the depth of that because of my actions. I am sorry that my actions have contradicted what's in my heart, which is that it's you Rafi, it's always been you. I am sorry that I let Elliot come between us. I will fix it Rafi. I will do better. Please don't give up on me." Wordlessly, Rafael wiped her tears with his thumb as he pulled her into his lap. Olivia wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and buried her face into his shoulder.
Olivia slept fitfully in his arms, waking every so often grasping for him in the night. Rafael would tighten his arms around her and whisper assurances in her ear until she settled back into sleep. He watched her sleep uncertain of how it was all going to end. He knew he and Noah had to talk and he had hoped that the days ahead would not inflict more trauma on to him.
Early the next morning Olivia woke to Rafael packing his suitcases. She watched as sat on the floor of their ensuite holding a shirt to his face trying to stifle his own tears. She watched as he determinedly stood to his feet and finished filling up his big suitcase. She waited until he left their room before getting up. She took her time getting ready knowing she wasn't equipped to handle what was about to unfold as soon as she came downstairs.
"Do you have to go?" She heard Noah ask as she rounded the corner,
"Yeah baby. It's a really good opportunity for Papi. Remember that policy I was telling you about?"
"Yeah,"
"They actually want me to work on it and see if we can pass it."
"Papi, that's awesome." Noah said proudly throwing his arms around his neck.
"Thank you honey."
"You'll come home on weekends?"
"Maybe not every weekend but I will try. "
"What about recitals and other things?"
"I will try to go home for all of those. Noah, you're my son. I love you. Distance doesn't change that. Anytime you need me I am on the first plane back. You are my priority."
"Can I come visit you on the weekends that you can't come home?" Noah asked.
"We will need to talk to Mami about that, I'm sure we can arrange something. Maybe Abuelita can take you."
"What about Mami?"
"What do you mean?"
"Can Mami take me? Can we spend weekends together in DC as a family?" Noah asked. Olivia found herself holding her breath waiting for his answer.
"Of course she can and of course we can. I just meant there may be times when Mami has to work and can't go."
"Papi,"
"Yes my love."
"Are you mad at Mami?" Noah asked. Rafael placed a hand on Noah's cheek and made sure Noah was looking right at him,
"Baby no. I am not mad at Mami."
"Are you leaving us?"
"Noah, my love no. I am not leaving you. Wherever I am, I am always with you. You will always have me."
It wasn't lost on Olivia how he had phrased that. She was well aware that he was coming home for Noah alone, and whatever part she played in that, she would have to work on. He hadn't promised her anything this time around. There were no reassurances that he would never give up on her. There were no promises that he wasn't walking away from her. The only promise he knew he was making was to their son to ensure he would be okay.
Rafael took Noah to school that morning and chose to take a later flight to DC so that he could. When he returned home he wasn't entirely surprised to see Olivia still there.
"Can I drive you to the airport?" She asked. Rafael nodded before heading upstairs to grab his suitcases. This certainly wasn't a few days worth of clothes he had packed up. He seen her tear up as her eyes fell on to his luggage. He gave her a soft and somewhat apologetic smile. She knew he had waited to bring his luggage down for Noah. As they pulled up into the airport she climbed out of the car as he grabbed his suitcase.
"Thanks for the ride." He said not knowing what to say. Olivia launched herself into his arms. Rafael wrapped his arms around his wife and breathed her in.
"I'll see you in a few days. I'll be back for Noah's recital." He assured her.
"I love you Rafa." She murmured as she she trembled in his arms.
"I know Liv. I do. I love you too." He replied tearfully feeling his heart clench tightly. For the first time since he had walked in on her and Elliot in their home he kissed her. Desperately Olivia kissed him back, her whole body and being longing for his touch. Reluctantly they pulled apart and he kissed her forehead.
"I'll call you when I land."
That evening was a quiet one in the Benson-Barba home, the absence of Rafael was deeply felt. As promised he had called her the moment he landed. He told her he was headed to the short stay accomodation they had for staff near the White House which is where he would be staying. He knew she was at work so kept it short.
He had called Noah as soon as he got home from school knowing that he would be looking for him immediately as he had been, especially the last few weeks. After a short conversation he promised to call for bedtime so they could read together. Lucy had cooked and stayed for dinner at Olivia's request hoping it would help Noah to have her there as support. Noah went to take a shower as Lucy helped Olivia with the dishes.
"You okay?" Lucy asked feeling for her,
"Not really. I've done a lot to screw us up in the last couple of years Luce. I wouldn't blame him if he'd had enough."
"Doesn't mean you stop fighting for him." Lucy stated,
"If anything, shouldn't you be fighting harder? Liv, I love you. You're like an older sister I never had. I love Noah and Rafael. You guys are my family. I watched Rafael fight for you every day, long before Stabler came along and certainly long after he did. He never wavered. Yeah he's feeling defeated and helpless right now, so it's your turn. You need to fight for him, because from where he's standing you've never once fought for him. If anything you fought him, and kept on choosing to fight him." Lucy's words hit home. Lucy was family and if anyone saw the ins and outs of their home, it was Lucy. She was close to each other them.
"Thank you, you're right. I just don't know how. I did this Luce. How do I now convince him of something my action has screamed the exact opposite?"
"You'll find a way, and to be honest you probably wouldn't need to try as hard as you think. Rafael loves you, he just wants to know that you love him and that you want him for all of the right reasons."
After seeking Lucy out Olivia headed upstairs to put Noah to bed. She could hear Rafael through the iPad just as she was about to knock on the door.
"I miss you Papi,"
"I miss you too sweet boy. I'll be home in a few days for your recital."
"And then how long until I see you again?" Noah asked.
"The following weekend. Either you come here or I go there. Noh, I spoke to Mommy. She agreed to have you come see me on the weekend I can't come home if you wanted to. Either she or Abuelita will take you."
"Papi, Mami is sad when you're not here."
"I'm sad when I'm not with you guys too Mijo." She heard Rafael reply. Gently she knocked on the door as Noah looked towards his door and said 'come in'.
"Hi Liv," Rafael greeted with a soft smile. It wasn't lost on her that he hadn't called her anything but Olivia and Liv in weeks.
"Hi Baby," she replied.
"You're just in time for the last few chapters of The Goblet of Fire, Spanish edition." Olivia smiled as she joined Noah on his bed glad she had showered and changed as soon as she got home. Noah dropped moments before Rafael had finished the last chapter. Olivia was dozing beside him.
"Goodnight Liv," he said softly hoping she would slip into slumber. Instead she sat up carefully.
"Hey, don't hang up. I want to hear about your day." She said picking up the iPad, planting a kiss on Noah's forehead before heading to their room.
"Yeah it was good. Had a bunch of meetings and then Leo wanted me to sit in at a meeting with the president."
'Wow Rafa." Rafael shrugged nonchalantly, for a man who used to have political ambition he was surely nonchalant about being in close quarters with the president.
"It wasn't a big deal. Babish wasn't available to Leo asked for me to sit in his place knowing I was in town."
"You love it don't you?"
"I do. I have loved teaching, and one day I will end up back there but getting this opportunity. To be part of a possible change, it restores something in me." He confessed.
"I'm glad you're doing this Rafael."
"Thank you."
"We'll make this work Rafi." She promised as he nodded.
