A/N - Posted chapter early because there was a lot of feedback.
I'm a pretty simple person at heart when it comes to this kind of stuff. When it's fun to write, then I'll write more. That being said, I'll never withhold chapters just because I'm not getting reviews, but reviews do encourage me to post more frequently and write more often.
I remember the blood on my hands, after that boy dropped to the ground.
It's funny, isn't it? I haven't been crippled for very long, relatively speaking, but yet it's all I can remember.
I'm just a cripple. A burden. A handicap.
I shouldn't bother people with things that I want. After all, I'm just a waste.
I should just leave everyone alone.
I should just kill myself.
I've been told for a long time that I was powerless to do anything, and for a long time, I thought that was the truth.
Maybe that's why I was so scared, why I am so scared…
Because in that moment where I took a boy's head in my hands before ruthlessly bashing it against a steel locker, I certainly didn't feel powerless.
…
Consciousness returns slowly. For a moment I simply lie there, eyes shut against reality. Around me, the familiar beeps of various machines remind me that I have, once again, found myself at square one.
I was doing so well…
I still don't know what happened. I remember the chest pain, the lightheadedness, the shortness of breath, the palpitations.
Did…did I have a heart attack…?
Someone, somewhere out there is laughing at me. Saying that this is what I deserved.
…Then why am I still alive…?
Slowly, my eyes open, slowly at first. As it turns out, there's no need to worry; the lights have been considerably dimmed to where they're only a brush against my eyes.
More importantly, I can still feel the sheets against my back in full detail, feel the electrodes against my chest. Has the medication not worn off yet? That means I've probably only been out of it for a little while.
…I think. I haven't actually tried to skip a dose yet, but that's the likely explanation, anyways.
The bed is rather cold, but the sheets are soothing against my skin. I find it in me to relax.
"You're awake." A comfortingly sweet voice says, and I sigh, tilting my head to see Rei Miyuki at my bedside, sitting calmly in a wheelchair.
She's grown since the time I last saw her…two months? Three? That time, the positions were reversed; she was recovering from her surgery then, and I was at her side, waiting for her to wake up. Her long brown hair flows behind her back.
With delicate Japanese features, Rei would be a stereotypical princess if not for her sapphire eyes, which seem to shine with an unmatchable inner fire.
It's why I respect her.
"I think we can agree that this happens altogether too frequently." I reply dryly. My voice is a little scratchy, but not as ragged as I expected. "How long have I been out?"
"Hm…From what I understand of it, just about sixteen hours or so." I frown as my brain races to speed up.
…That doesn't sound like a heart attack to me.
"Do you know…what happened?" I ask.
"Yes." Rei inclines her head. "You had an episode of arrhythmia." She glances at a piece of paper in her lap. "Supraventricular tachycardia."
Irregular fast heartbeat in which my heart muscle pumps ineffectually, but very rapidly. Rapidly falling blood pressure led to loss of consciousness. That is not something I recall being at risk for…
"A boy in glasses and a scarf came by to explain what happened." Rei giggles, blushing slightly. "He's cute."
…Kenji?
The second half of her statement rocks into me, full force.
…Kenji!?
"According to him," Rei ignores the choked sound coming from my throat. "He heard a girl scream somewhere inside the building. After appropriately arming himself in case of danger, he rushed outside and identified the scream as belonging to Hanako Ikezawa, determined that you were in need of medical attention, and began to run tests to figure out what was going on. He correctly identified your condition and went back to his room."
"For some reason he couldn't explain, he was in the possession of a portable defibrillator, and he used it on you. A single charge reset your heart rhythm to normal and he called an ambulance."
It would appear that I owe him a sincere apology and thanks. It makes me feel bad that I've been so rude to him.
Someone else mentioned, though, draws my attention.
"Is Hanako alright?' I ask.
Rei's lips quirk up in an odd smile as she quickly glances at the open door.
"I have it on good authority that she's been anxiously waiting outside your room for the last half hour, trying to convince herself that it's not her fault that you ended up hospitalized."
I choke on my spit.
"Hanako - what? How?" I gasp, even as I shake my head. That's so quintessentially Hanako; but I need to fix this, or permanent damage could be done.
Rei shrugs.
"Can - no, I need to see her." I try to struggle out of my bed, but Rei places her hand on my chest and shoves me back into the bed.
"Wait." She replies, and then she stands up on shaky legs, looking down at her feet; or, rather, what passes for her feet. Metal prosthetics have replaced the flesh and bones at her knees and below.
She was injured repeatedly enough for her joints to become near-useless, so they were amputated, along with everything in between. I've only avoided this fate through…luck, mostly, but also by being careful.
"Hm, there. Think I've got enough control for this." Thanks to a combination of being a bit more reckless and having a weaker body, HSAN-6 has actually physically debilitated Rei far more than I can. It's not just her legs that have been weakened; she doesn't have full control of her hands and arms, either. It varies depending on a couple things, including the amount of focus she puts into it and her level of exhaustion, but it's usually not optimal.
She leans forward and fumbles for the monitor switch, shutting it off.
"There, now you won't draw any extra attention." I sit up and yank the wires off my chest. I'm in a fairly thin dressing gown, and it's pretty uncomfortable, but I'll manage.
"Switch with me?" I ask, and she nods, sitting down on the bed.
"Need help standing?" She asks. I test my legs, leaning off the bed to see if they'll hold my weight.
…Probably not, they're a bit stiff. I don't think it would be a good idea to fall right now.
So instead I sit on Rei's wheelchair.
"Good luck." She tells me, smiling wolfishly. It takes me a few seconds to figure out what she's trying to say, and I blush ferociously when I get it.
Rather than dignify it with a response, though, I simply wheel myself out, to the soundtrack of her giggles.
It takes me about two seconds to locate Hanako; in fact, I almost run into her maneuvering outside of the room.
"W-Wah!" Hanako stumbles backwards, shocked; I quickly apply the brakes on my wheelchair and tighten my grip on the seat, maintaining my balance.
"Hey, Hanako." I say, smiling slightly at the sight of her. "Sorry you had to come here."
"I-It's…i-it's fine…" She whispers quietly. She seems far more withdrawn than normal.
Something's really not right here, maybe even more than what Rei said, about her blaming herself. There's something deeper happening here.
"You…you know it wasn't your fault, right?" I ask.
"…I know…" She mutters, sounding entirely unconvinced.
I try to see this from her perspective. What if the roles were reversed? Well, she apparently feels guilty because she couldn't react productively. But that's not really her fault. Some people react to stress differently, and I'm almost certain that there's more going on than Hanako is revealing, because right now her desire to flee looks even stronger than back when we had met for the very first time, when I sat next to her.
I don't know how to comfort her right now, and that, more than anything, frustrates me.
The silence grows unbearable.
"Do…do you want to come in?" I finally ask, motioning vaguely at the doorway to my hospital room. I don't - I don't know what else to say, and maybe the privacy will help a little, we're all in the hallway, and maybe Rei will know what to say to lighten up the atmosphere…
She pauses for a long while before eventually nodding, stiffly.
"Alright…" I prepare to back the wheelchair up; this seems to spur her to action.
"Do…y-you…needhelp?" Hanako blurts out.
"Yes…" I'm still not too good with the steering and any help is appreciated. Very carefully, Hanako makes her way around me before gently turning the wheelchair around.
I'm not going to break, I want to say, but such assurances would be rendered meaningless because, well, here I am in the hospital. And though that assumption is fallacious, well, reality doesn't always run on logic.
She wheels me in; Rei is sitting cross-legged on my bed, quietly drinking the water in my cup. Our eyes meet and she quickly puts the cup back down on the table next to her, removing the offending evidence in a single swallow.
Behind me, Hanako makes some kind of sound. I don't know whether she's offended or scared.
"You're the worst." I say blandly, as the chair coasts to a stop and I stagger off of it to land mostly on my bed. "Thanks, Hanako." I mumble into my sheets.
I can't seem to remember what I was supposed to say. I'm just so tired…
"Hey, I need room to stretch my legs." Rei complains cheerfully. "Come here." I pull my head up to see her patting the spot next to her; dutifully, I drag myself up and roll over so that I can stare at the ceiling and she begins running a hand through my hair.
She's done this before, but never under the influence of medication that allowed me to feel again, so it feels entirely different. Good. I press my head into her hand. After a moment's thought, I incline my head so that I can examine Hanako's reaction.
Well. I think dryly to myself, enjoying the absolutely shocked look and fierce blush that she's currently sporting. A reaction indeed.
"Would you like to join us, Hanako?" Rei asks, a bit of a smirk on her face. "I don't bite, but Hisao might if you ask him to."
"A-Ah…" Hanako whimpers, apparently totally lost for words.
"Don't worry. You can sit right here." Rei says, patting somewhere I can't see on the bed. "I'll protect you from big bad His-mmmf!"
She stops talking because my hand is clasped around her mouth.
"Ignore her and do whatever you want." I say flatly. "And my apologies for anything silly she says; it seems that the younger you are, the more ridiculous you get, and-"
Some kind of sound I've never made before comes out of my mouth as a completely foreign sensation runs across the palm of my hand; I whip my hand away from Rei's head-
"D-Did you just lick my hand?" I ask, staring at the shiny spit mocking me. She grins.
"I may have." Rei grins, before turning to Hanako. "Come here." Her smile softens. "Do me the honor of being my friend."
"…I…" Hanako trembles. "I…I…"
There's a long pause.
"…I can't…" Then she turns and flees the room.
…
…
…
…
For a moment I'm utterly shocked, not expecting THAT kind of negative reaction, then I move to stand up and chase her down.
"Hisao, no!" Rei pulls me down sharply. "You can't!"
"What? Why? Let me go!" I could pull out of her grip at any time, if I really needed to - but the force necessary to do so could really hurt her fragile body, and it is that and only that which keeps me here.
"Listen to me, Hisao!" Rei says fiercely. "Look me in the eyes!"
I do, and I see glowing crystal, radiating a bright determination, but also behind that, a fear I rarely see.
"You can't. Listen, please listen to me. There's something going on here, something beyond just her guilt. I used that voice which is why she was just a little bit scared of me, that and I think she sort of knows who I am, and even then when I tried to push her into explaining she just immediately walled herself off." Rei whispers frantically.
"You what-"
"You need, absolutely need, to give her space. I know I can't stop you, but if you chase after her now - you're going to break her, alright? Please! Give her the space she needs, let her bring her emotions back under control, just for now, alright? Right now just looking at you hurts her because she still associates you with her panic and her feelings of complete uselessness."
"But-" I try to protest. Her hand clamps around my arm harder.
"Do it for me, please!" Suddenly that warmth fades out from her eyes, and all that's left is a scared little girl, three years my junior with tears in her eyes, pleading with me. "Please."
"Okay. Okay." I say, trying my best to calm down, to regain control.
Control…
I rub my hand over my aching heart.
"A-Are you okay?" Rei asks worriedly, and I close my eyes and concentrate, trying to judge my condition.
Thump thump.
Thump thump.
"I'm fine." I say. "Not at risk of dying, I don't think. This is just…"
Well…
"It just feels like I've lost something I can never replace…"
A/N - Uh.
I feel like I should probably say that this isn't going to be a Hisao/OC fic.
...And I hope you found the chapter interesting...?
