A/N - I'm rather surprised by the complete lack of reaction to the last chapter.

I also have no idea how to interpret that.

Well, I've broken my 'usual' two-updates-a-week schedule to push this chapter out.


The rest of my hospital stay…is terribly empty.

A nurse comes in and reattaches the electrodes before reminding me that I'm still under an observation period, and you really shouldn't be moving around.

Rei keeps me company for the next few hours; during that time, the sensations I have continue to fade before finally disappearing, and I return to my normal state, free of medication.

I very determinedly do not cry.

The next day, Rei's father comes in, and we talk about the new medication. I'm told to describe to him as much as I can remember about the various side effects, to see if it's something that he's willing to risk on Rei.

"Mood swings?" He asks intently. It appears he remembers Trial 11 as well as I do.

"Yes, but it's not clear whether or not it was caused by Trial 14 or not; I might have had them before then. A couple incidents come to mind where I feel like I reacted more extremely than the situation warranted, but that is of course subjective to my own experience."

"I see. Did you notice the existence of manic and / or depressive periods?" Rei's father is a stern man, a typical businessman with greying hair and piercing eyes, coupled with serious demeanor and cool voice.

His question causes me to think back a bit to my actions over the last few days.

"I can't say for sure, but if I had to settle on an answer, I would say yes. I specifically remember being increasingly impulsive over the last few days."

Working with the Student Council and talking to Hanako about my past both come to mind.

"I see. Would you personally recommend that I allow Rei to try this medication?" He's always asked me this question; I'm not sure if my answers even factor into his decision, but I do my best to answer comprehensively anyways.

"Not ever. It's too dangerous, especially since I only barely got away." He nods and, business concluded, leaves.

According to my doctor, the medication put significant stress on my heart. It was lucky that I had been working to maintain a reasonable standard of health; if I had been weaker, things would have gone more poorly. It's possible that I would have suffered sudden cardiac death and died at any time.

If Rei had been taking the medication instead of me, she almost certainly would have died.

This wake-up call of sorts, though, has at least seen the implementation of stricter procedures regarding my case. I'm to check in for a basic physical every day with the Nurse and a longer examination once a week, whenever I begin medication again.

…I don't really care.

I just want my friend back.

I just want Hanako back.

I watch the door carefully, scrutinizing every person that walks past, trying to see if Hanako is there.

She never does show up again, though, but others do.

"Hi, Shizune, Misha." I say from my spot on the hospital bed where I'm sitting. "How have you been?"

"We've been alright, Hisao." Misha says, uncharacteristically controlling her volume for once. "How are you?"

"Mmm. I can't say the same." I'm not even willing to put in the effort necessary to pretend that I'm alright.

Shizune and Misha have a quick conversation in sign, in which Misha looks distinctly unsettled before seeming to capitulate. Eventually she leaves the room and I'm left with the Student Council President.

I stare at her.

She pulls out a notepad and pen from a pocket somewhere on her person and approaches, pulling up one of the chairs leaning next to the wall before sitting down at my bedside.

Would it make you feel better to talk to someone? She writes before passing me the piece of paper and her pen.

About?

Why do you look so depressed?

I cringe.

No. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

Her brow furrows when she reads that as she leans back in her chair, a thoughtful look on her face. I keep writing.

There is something you can do, though. Please allow me to join the Student Council.

Shizune's eyes widen momentarily before affixing me with her intense gaze. I stare right back at her, not shying away.

Why.

I note the lack of a question mark.

Because I need - NEED - to be useful. Please understand.

Her fingers drum across the top of her thigh. It's incredibly distracting.

I have a condition before I will allow you to join. Shizune finally writes.

Name it.

Learn Japanese Sign Language.

I stare at her.

Is that all?

Yes. There's an unreadable look in her eyes as I consider her request for barely a moment. I've already decided that I would do it, didn't I? I just haven't gotten around to it.

Done. The pen rips through the paper, appropriately ending our conversation.

Shizune stands up and nods at me once, shortly, before turning around and walking out of the room.

I stare at her pen, then back up at where she left.

…Acceptable.


The next person that makes their way in is Emi.

Though that would imply she calmly made her way in.

Let me try that again:

Emi sprinted into the room and slammed the door shut behind her, locking in from the inside before blowing a raspberry at whoever is on the outside.

I stare at her blankly as she turns around; she blushes, but pretends that nothing out of the ordinary has happened, averting her eyes. As if following some sort of process, she take her seat next to my bed, coincidentally in the same place Shizune sat.

I also notice that Emi's missing her bouncy rubber(?) legs. In fact, if I wasn't aware of her disability, I wouldn't have realized there was anything wrong with her; the legs look very real. It's only when her leg clips against the side of her chair that I realize it's probably some form of plastic.

There's a bit of an odd silence.

I'm not really a fan of those anymore, so I make a sincere effort to break it.

"Hello there, Emi." I reply simply. The response is as predicted -

"Hey."

And we're mostly back where we're started. I scramble for something to say. Her eyes are red -

"Have you been crying, Emi?" I ask.

Smooth.

She gives me a flat look. "You're an ass, you know that?"

This manages to get a wan smile out of me.

"Yeah." My mood collapses a bit again as I remember Hanako running away, but I manage to shake off the worst of it, still maintaining that facade.

Scowling, she reaches forward to pull my lips down with her fingers.

"Don't do that. No hiding."

I give her a shrug. "If I don't, I'll cry. So I have to hold myself together, don't I?"

She moves her chair closer to me and leans forward. "Nothing wrong with that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." She replies, standing up and carefully pulling my head into her shoulder.

"…Is this really okay?" I ask, muffled by her shirt.

"Shut up and cry." She replies imperiously.

It's a bit of a - weird - angle but it works and I kind of just let go and sob.

The desire to reassert my self-independence rises and is utterly crushed by, just, the pain

it hurts

stop

please stop

it hurts so much

Eventually I regain some measure of control.

I'm vaguely aware that she's rubbing my back; the feeling is barely there.

All these feelings of mine are still floating around. I don't think crying helped me very much. It's not enough, not nearly enough, but it lets me pull my face away, wiping my tears away with my arm.

Emi looks curiously at her shoulder; I wince, mortified, at the large wet stain covering a significant portion of her shirt.

"S-Sorry." I say sheepishly, but she just shrugs.

"I said it was okay, didn't I?" She pats my thigh. "Do you, uh, want anyone to talk to right now? I'm not too good at this kind of stuff, but maybe I can help somehow."

For some reason, the thought of talking to Emi feels a lot more right than talking to Shizune. Maybe not enough for me to spill, but - well, I guess it makes sense. Shizune isn't really the kind of person that I imagine finding some sort of personal comfort from.

In that context, it almost feels like Shizune is just a little bit untouchable and it's rather intimidating sometimes, like now, where I'm not really on my best game.

"I…can't yet. T-There's too many things…I'm not sure of yet…" I haven't even really begun to analyze everything that went wrong - mostly because it's still too painful to think about. I shy away at even the thought of confronting that again, but I'll know I need to.

…One way or another, I can't, this can't happen again.

It hurt too much.

It hurt WAY too much.

I can't. No more.

…And if…if it means giving up friendship…

"That's okay, Hisao. I'll be here if you need me." Her hand slips into mine and squeezes.

I attempt to squeeze back - not sure if I succeed, though.

"I really appreciate that." I reply sincerely.

"No problem."

Emi blinks.

"Hey, can you still run?"

I crack a smile.

"Yeah. But I can't feel anything, so it won't be quite the same. It will probably wind up being mostly exercise for the sake of exercise. But I'll definitely be there when they release me from this place." I say.

"I'll hold you to it." Emi grins, a little lopsidedly. I guess we're both not too happy about this situation.

It makes me feel a little better, in a twisted sort of way.

"You kind of remind me of Rei, a little." I say wistfully. "Same down-to-earth honesty and general attitude."

"Rei?" Emi asks. "You mean that girl who's been guarding entrance to your room and interrogating everyone who passes?"

"…"

"What."


I open the door a fraction; as it turns out, Emi was absolutely accurate. Currently she seems to be in a startlingly intense conversation with Rin.

"Why are you here, then?" Rei asks, in a saccharine-sounding tone. It's not mean - but rather too innocent. Her voice is rather close - she must be just outside the door.

"I don't know yet; if you let me in, I'll be able to give you an answer, though."

I can hear Emi come up to the door next to me in order to eavesdrop as well. I give her a questioning look before pointing at the door; she shakes her head.

I don't think she understood exactly what I was asking, but that's fine, too. I'm pretty sure I figured it out; Emi simply bypassed Rei in order to make her way in, presumably after having some sort of argument.

What to do…?

Thankfully, Rin's answers buy me time, and drain all the tension out of the air; I feel rather than hear Rei at a lost for words.

Well…I suppose it would be rude to keep my friends waiting, and also, if Rin loses patience and decides to punt Rei out of the way or something, they're going to both get hurt.

I pull the door open. Rei jumps and whirls around; meanwhile, I see the hint of a smile on Rin's face.

"Glad to see you're getting along with my friends." I say pointedly to Rei; she flushes guilty before shrugging.

"Just checking something." Rei cheerily skips back into the room, totally nonchalant - I resist the urge to slap her upside the head despite the fact that it would earn basically no reaction, settling for an exasperated sigh.

"You can come in too, Rin." I add. She shrugs in her trademark way before ambling in after me.

And now there are four.

Emi glances at Rei nervously before waving goodbye to me and slipping out.

Three, then. That's a story I want to hear later, though.

"So." I say, to fill the silence. Rei rolls her eyes.

"Rin, have you figured out your answer yet?" I ask. She shrugs.

Well, I'm not sure what I expected, realistically speaking.

Moving on, moving on -

"Weren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair?" I ask Rei. She shrugs.

"What they don't know won't hurt them."

"Will they hurt if they know it?" Rin wonders out loud.

Rei shrugs.

"I've never asked. Should I?"

"I don't know, you're the one asking. Should you?"

"…"

Rei shrugs.

"I'm asking you, though."

Rin shrugs.

Rei shrugs.

"…"

"Would you cut that out there is no way you're doing that on accident!" I hiss under my breath at Rei.

"Why, Hisao, is there something wrong?" She replies, grinning a catlike grin that wouldn't be out of place on Shizune - oh, and now I know for sure, she's definitely absolutely doing this on purpose, whatever this is.

And, well, I don't happen to hold any leverage over her. I can't even threaten to whack that smug look off her face.

So I just glare at her - she seems to find this terribly amusement, and I don't, so I stop.

Rei's always been immune to my moods - probably because she's better at it than I am.

And that's not a compliment.

"You're looking rather blue right now, Hisao." Rin comments.

Huh?

I mean, well, I'm sad, I guess, but I was in a particularly good mood just then, thanks to Rei's teasing - and damn it she did that on purpose too didn't she - so I'm not sure what Rin's seeing, especially because Rei's satisfied enough to stop the constant barrage of jokes at my expense.

"What kind of blue?" Rei asks, jumping in.

Never mind.

"Prussian blue."

Heh, that reminds me of the mural and all the feelings I associate with those memories…

"What kind of blue is Prussian blue?" Rei asks, apparently trying to picture it.

"The Prussian kind."

Rei looks a little thrown - don't know why she didn't see that one coming.

"Is that some kind of foreign exotic paint color?" Rei tries to ask.

"You can find it at the art store down the street." Rin replies.

Oh, this is fun just watching on the other side of the fence!

"But you can buy lots of exotic things at stores in Japan…"

RIn shrugs, and that conversation dies a tragic death.

…And now I have leverage over Rei whenever I need to get her to do something , heh. I'll just threaten to sic Rin on her.

Maybe I could even learn how to ta-

No. That way lies the road to madness.

Rei continues to try to engage Rin in meaningful conversation and Rin continues to unintentionally mock all her attempts at doing so and it's then that I realize, with an odd little kind of shock, that the pain in my chest has dulled a little bit.

Ah…is this what having friends is for?

How could…I ever thought of giving this away?


…It isn't until a good deal later that day I realize something, and my mood plummets yet again.

Emi was crying for me.

This simple and what should have frankly been obvious realization pierces deep into my core -

…Emi cares about me.

Honestly, shouldn't I have been aware of this already? We're friends, are we not?

I…

Is it…really okay to keep risking my life, if there are people I'm hurting doing that?

…Am I willing to abandon my own chance at a cure - abandon Rei's chance at a cure - if it means that I hurt others?

What if I die?

...I've never put much value into my life before, but this...this is different...

I lie awake for a long time, but the answer doesn't come to me.


A/N: I may need to break one of the self-imposed rules I placed upon myself for the sake of filling in some very relevant information about certain conversations.

Also, I'm definitely breaking another rule because the story developed in an unexpected direction last chapter. As I was writing it I wavered between what happened and its opposite and eventually, well, I got here.

We'll see how things play out.