A/N: Continuing to fix errors as I notice them. If you catch anything, do tell!
I don't get much sleep at all.
This is problematic, because I am scheduled to return to school early this morning and continue attending classes. This feels rather rushed to me, but it's honestly the least of my current concerns.
Hm…
There is nothing I can do about this, though, so I unresistingly follow commands, making my way into the car that will drop me off at the top of the hill.
Somewhere in this hospital, a girl with metal legs is undergoing another set of scans today in a continuing and mostly futile attempt to figure out why her condition seems to be worse than mine.
I already gave my opinion - that Rei's significantly less careful than I am about this, and that's saying something considering how rough I've been with my own body. The doctor in charge, however, seems to disagree.
And thus the tests go on.
I feel a little bad for her, especially because she's missing school again.
Summer break, though, isn't terribly far away; assuming nothing goes wrong, I'll see her again in a few months, and see her often.
It's a nice thought. I've missed her quite a bit.
Somehow, I'm at school; too late to do anything but grab my school supplies, change, and rush to homeroom. Even then, I might be late.
More pressingly, though, is the thought of going back to class. And…
…
I still don't understand why Hanako ran away, but I think we can assume that I was the cause of it. With that in mind, I do not know if I should sit next to her - or if I should move, move next to Shizune and Misha.
I make it to the room just as the bell rings and slips in. Mutou glances up in my direction before nodding.
My eyes quickly scan the room -
…
She's not here.
I guess that was to be expected, but it's still disappointing.
Class goes by.
Hanako doesn't show up. My thoughts swirl mindlessly in my head; I don't know what it is I should do or where I should go.
The tea room? Lilly might be there…or, perhaps, she's taking care of Hanako, wherever she is.
Can I be satisfied with that explanation?
…No, of course not. I pick up my bag and depart from the room, making my way towards the tea room.
On the way there, I abruptly change course and go for the library instead. That might be a better place to look.
Or - the female dormitory? No, that wouldn't work, no one's there and I don't know Hanako's room number. If I had to guess, though, 223 might be a good place to start looking.
The library it is, then.
…
I quietly make my way in; it's mostly deserted at this time. Yuuko isn't even here; or perhaps she's under the table again, having dropped all of the contents of her desk onto the floor. To avoid a repeat of the last time, I avoid making any sudden sounds as I make my way to the back corner, where Hanako reads.
Then, silently, I glance around the bookshelf.
Not there either.
This is more than a little demoralizing. Should I go back to the tea room? Or…
You know, perhaps she just doesn't want to see you right now.
I let myself fall onto one of the bean bags. That's…probably the most likely explanation. The obvious conclusion is that I should stop looking for her…but…
Even the thought hurts more than I'm willing to put up with.
…
There's a presence of some sort on my face. On closer inspection they are revealed to be tears.
…That's…fitting.
I smile, rather bitterly. No matter what I do, there just doesn't seem to be anywhere to go…
…
I wake up slowly, still alone.
For a moment I see Hanako in front of me, but I blink again and she's gone.
"…late. Going to be late. Hello? Are you there? Oh, this is not good, not good-"
"I'm awake now, Yuuko. Thank you very much." I say, with some difficulty. It appears that I'm still quite out of it, but - well, I'll figure something out, or something like that. Don't know and don't care.
"Okay." The librarian replies, apparently satisfied, before turning around and giving me some time to compose myself.
…I don't want to go back to class.
I really, really don't want to go back to class.
"Nakai? Don't you have class-" He cuts off when he sees my face. "Ah, I see. I'll send out an email to the other teachers; there's some concern over your heart." He shrugs. "Which is perfectly reasonable. Would you like to do the physical exam now so that you don't need to do it later?"
"…Yes." I reply. "And thank you very much."
He nods. "Care to repay me by telling me what's going on? Consider this one from my perspective, right? Earlier this week you abandon classes and vanish for hours, and the administration is a hair away from sending out a missing persons' report before you wander back in. Friday you're brought in at 3 AM, covered in bruises and nearly hysterical. Later that day I'm being informed that you collapsed with some kind of heart problem and that you're being transferred to the hospital, and I'm simultaneously dealing with my normal workload and another patient. And now we're back here, again, with the problem apparently not resolved despite the cessation of your medication."
"Nakai, you need to tell me what's going on." There's an implicit warning in that, there, the stupid grin traded in for a serious look.
Yeah…I guess that's only fair, especially since he's been doing so much for me.
That other patient he mentioned - Hanako?
It's a probable guess; Hanako's scream alerted Kenji to action, and two days ago she was outside my hospital room trying to convince herself that she wasn't to blame.
I guess, in a convoluted sort of way, I can see how she arrived to that conclusion, even if I wholly disagree with it. There's a certain point where you have to stop backtracking blame otherwise I could feasibly arrive at the conclusion "If I was dead, you wouldn't have to worry about me".
And, well, I'd like to think that she would agree with me about the ridiculousness of that hypothesis.
How could I explain this to her?
Well, first of all…I have to find her…
"Nakai." I snap back to attention before sheepishly realizing that he's been waiting for my answer the whole time.
"Sorry, sorry, was just trying to figure out how to convince Hanako that she's not a bad person." I say hastily. He raises an eyebrow.
"Now, this sounds interesting. Do tell." He says.
Well, the more I stall, the less I have to tell him about myself…
"Well, basically she blames herself for - something; I thought before that it was because she thinks she didn't do anything to help me when I had my episode - which is wrong, because her scream brought attention and I might've died without intervention and speaking of which I really do need to thank Kenji for that one, didn't think he cared enough to help but hey what on earth do I know about the guy anyways—"
"Slow down." Nurse says, looking rather overwhelmed - I continue on, not sure if what I'm saying is fact or fiction anymore, just knowing that it needs to be said.
"—and apparently that wasn't really the problem; or if it was it's only part of a problem, because she was still wayyyy too uncomfortable being in my general presence and everything and then later on when Rei asked for Hanako to be her friend Hanako just basically said no and ran off and I haven't seen her again and I don't know if it was my fault or what—"
"Nakai, calm down and breathe!" It's not quite a shout, but it still startles me nonetheless, and I realize then that I'm way out of breath, woah, what happened?
"Now, are you still sure that you don't want that therapist after all?" He asks calmly. I open my mouth to say "no" but he shakes his head.
"Don't just say that without thinking. Seriously consider the kind of problems you've been having over the last week, and then try again."
I scowl. "Why can't I just ask my friends for help?"
He raises an eyebrow. "How's that going?"
…Yeah, he got me there.
"Your friends won't be able to give you an objective perspective, and depending on the topic you might not be able to tell them about it without conflicting interests. And there are more than a few things that you aren't willing to tell them about, correct?"
I flinch.
How do you know-
"Just how much was in the file you were given?" I ask.
"Enough to get a good idea of the situation." The Nurse replies firmly. "Amongst other things, one of my jobs is to examine the mental and emotional health of the students and see how many of them require alternative sources for assistance."
…It might be worth considering. And after all he's done for me, I suppose I do owe him something.
"Fine. Set up an appointment. I'll decide whether or not to continue after the first session, though." I respond assertively.
He snorts. "You sound like a child being coerced into eating vegetables. Nakai, I'm not here to hurt you."
"I know." I say, inclining my head. "I know that much. I just - don't want to…"
He shrugs. "Sometimes the things we need to do are things we don't want to do."
I knew that.
I knew that, but yet I didn't apply it to my own life.
"Alright, Nurse. I'll see your damn therapist."
Reviews would be good.
Also, uh, this story is running on a bit longer than I expected. Look at it this way; I'm 43 (41) chapters in and I'm still on Week 3.
This story is going to last for at LEAST half a year. I don't think I'll be pushing into graduation and beyond, though - perhaps some kind of epilogue, but...
And it's going to almost certainly continue running on a day-to-day basis, with a few exceptions here and there. My biggest problem is not having a unified timeline for canon, because without that being the case it becomes rather difficult to match dates to canon. It's a nuisance to deal with and I'm basically at the point anyways where I've completely and sharply pulled away from it anyways, so I don't know how much effort I should put into maintaining it.
I do need to replay through Katawa Shoujo again, though, and see if I can get a general idea of when things happen (Knowing the chronological order isn't enough anymore, because now I have to create some kind of relative timeline - ack). Not too much of a priority, though, 'cause C40 derailed every single existing route in the game.
I think I'll be doing...C46(?) in Hanako's perspective regarding the last few chapters. A bunch of things happen that make it important to show some stuff from her perspective, and I need to justify (or I feel that way, anyways) her actions.
