A/N: As you can see, I've returned to my normal updating schedule. Last chapter and this chapter took longer than expected, and I couldn't maintain a "4 chapters per week" thing. Longer A/N at the end of the chapter, and relevant.


I'm sick.

Literally.

I guess it would be expected; it might have been more surprising if I haven't fallen ill. I can't tell whether or not I have a fever, but I can definitely feel a sort of weirdness in my joints that certainly wasn't there before.

Grrk. I guess I'll be needing to go to the Nurse again. Damn.

My face brightens. That does mean I get to skip school though, with a legitimate excuse this time.

Seeing as though I don't feel most of the symptoms anyways, as long as I'm only just sick with the common cold or the flu or whatever and not on the verge of dying, I'll be mostly fine. But I've got

Probably won't be running today either. That's a pity - I was quite looking forward to making an attempt at clearing my head, what with the events of this morning…and of Saturday…

Someone knocks on my door, three solid hits -

"Hisao! You in there?"

…I didn't think I'd be going to see Emi today, but apparently she's decided to see me. I guess it would be unfair to pretend that I'm not in, since she came all the way here to find me.

"I am." I call back, kind of weakly. There's a bit of a pause; was that not the answer she was looking for?

"Are you okay? I'm coming in!"

Hey what the HELL

I quickly roll myself into my blanket as Emi barges in, rapidly scanning the room before falling on me - she blushes a bit, but doesn't avert her eyes.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're utterly shameless?" I ask dryly. My voice is a bit more raspier than usual - hopefully nothing's wrong with my lungs. I'll leave the Nurse to worry about that, though.

She's in her realistic legs today, it seems; did she not run? Or has she already ran, changed, and come here? It's pretty late, so I suppose that's plausible.

"That's part of what makes me awesome." She replies cheerfully, but I detect a certain undertone in her voice I can't place. "You look awful."

I shrug. Probably.

"When was the last time you've had a good night's sleep?" Emi asks, stepping closer to me. I pull the towel tighter around my body.

"Saturday morning." I reply, then, "Do you mind stepping out for at least twenty seconds? I'd love to put on some clothes."

"Saturd- Hisao, you have to take better care of yourself than that!" I blink.

"Not always possible." I reply, a little sourly. "Believe me, I'd sleep if I could."

There's some kind of understanding in her eyes as her countenance turns serious.

She may feel free to stand there thinking all day, but I -

"Just twenty seconds, Emi, let me put on some clothes now." She pauses before affixing a smile back onto her face, as if the last few seconds never happened.

"If that's what you want." She veritably sings before winking at me, going back through the door and closing it behind her.

Phew.

I race to put a pair of dry clothes on, quickly hunting through my closet before picking something and sliding it on. I just manage to slide on a pair of shorts before Emi storms back in without warning, eyes dancing with anticipation.

"Time's up! Hisaaaooo…" Her voice peters out as she freezes in place, staring at me.

I follow her eyes and glance at my exposed arms and legs, covered in scars.

…In my rush I grabbed the first thing I saw, and it happened to be the PE uniform. Great.

Well, how do I deal with this mess?

"Yes…?" I ask her, pretending that I don't know what she's looking at.

This seems to snap her out of it pretty neatly as she quickly looks away; but it also appears to drain her optimistic energy. I guess she's not sure how to react - therefore, I'll give her a cue.

"They're just scars. Don't worry about it." I say simply.

Now, if only I could get myself to agree…

"Your condition?" Emi asks. She looks a little like a kicked puppy right now. Makes me feel pretty bad about this, too.

"Yup." I reply. "When you can't feel pain stimulus, you accidentally hurt yourself. My condition is one of the easier ones to manage out of the family of diseases because it's not from birth. I had time to learn how to use my body and how I'm supposed to react from injury, so I haven't really started to degrade yet. Rei was the same, but she wasn't as careful as I was and her body is a little weaker than mine. That's how she lost her legs."

Emi nods, looking a little better, but still apparently at a loss for words. Perhaps she had fallen into the trap of thinking that things were, by and large, okay with me; that I was normal.

I don't think anyone here still thinks that now. My hospitalization was one hell of a wake-up call, and my scars are lingering evidence.

"You really shouldn't worry too much about this." I say. "Won't fix anything. Running will help, though, but…I think I'm sick right now, so that's really not a good idea. I have to drag myself over to the Nurse sometime soon so I don't get yelled at by him, though."

"O…Okay." Emi replies, thrown a little off balance.

look at you still messing up

Shut up!

"Emi…I'm still the same person I was thirty minutes ago." I mutter, feeling a little sorry for myself, but then she shakes her head rapidly.

"No, no, no, that's not what my problem is." Emi says, rather intensely, "It's just - just that - that - I - eeerrrraagggghhhh!" She stomps her foot in frustration. "I'm trying to figure out how to explain this but I can't! Damnit I'll just t-try to say it as easily as I can-"

Her breath catches in her throat, resumes, another angry stomp -

"Just don't - don't…" Tears form at her eyes. "D-Don't…w-want…"

She stumbles forward and I instinctively move forward to catch her in my arms as she collapses directly into my arms.

still hurting

everyone

I carefully hold her tight to me, worried that I'll crush her petite frame.

Though, I note with a touch of irony, based on the way she's got me firmly held in an unbreakable grip that's making my breath a little harder to come, it's probably the other way around.

…What…what do I say?

Um…

I want to tell her that I'll be okay…but…how can…I possibly say a lie like that…?

That wouldn't be fair, either…

"I'm sorry…Emi…"

She sniffles.

"…The h-hell are you 'pologizing for…? I-It's not y-you…damn…d-damn it…" She takes a stuttering breath. "W-Why does it always have to be…" Whatever she says next is mumbled, but I don't press her for details.

I wish I could deal with this with a clear head. I…don't know how much longer I can - keep everything together - for very much longer. And perhaps that's why I'm so grateful for being sick, except, well, I'm still not on "break", so

I need to think I need to be alone

but I can't because Emi is here and I

didn't

couldn't

turn her away

what do i do

run

fight

no wait

maybe i should stop and

let her be sad on my behalf?

is that okay?

Lacking the energy, will, and time to come up with a better decision, I breathe in the sweet scent of strawberries and sweat as I bury my face into her hair and cry with her.

Hah…

Alright…

Emi finally relaxes and slips away from me, and I let her go.

I try to figure out what I should say, but she cuts me off by shaking her head.

"Don't apologize." She says, and I frown, the words trapped in my throat.

Well, if that's the case…

I could -

NO

no NO no

NO

NO n o

find a way to effectively end this conversation so that I have the time to think that I so desperately need.

"…I…" My shoulders slump. Maybe - maybe running away isn't the best answer.

Is that okay, world? Will you allow me this chance to…

How about - maybe the better question is - will I let myself?

I try to search within myself for the answer, but I can't - can't find what I'm looking for.

"Hisao, do you want to eat breakfast?" Emi asks. Then she blinks. "No, that's not quite right, you don't have a choice, I'll make you eat. What do you want to eat?"

Her voice seems to have regained much of its usual strength - does she feel better? Why don't I, then? Why does crying hurt so much for me?

I open my mouth to turn her down -

Emi cares about me.

"A-Anything…anything will do. Thank you, Emi." She gives me a sad smile, like before, but there's a little something extra there, some kind of strength, and then leaves the room.

Is that the feeling they call resolve?

I guess letting her do this for me has made her feel better. At least…at least that's one thing I've done correctly.

"Am I allowed to be happy?" I wonder out loud, looking up at the still air, the monotone ceiling. Of course, there's no answer, but…

Maybe it makes me feel a little less alone.

It occurs to me, then, that I haven't seen Lilly in - a long time, actually, wow. I think…Tuesday was the last time I've seen her. Almost a week?

I haven't seen her for as long as I've known her.

I'm a little ambivalent about that, but, given the events of the past few days - I think, I think that this is a good thing.

Her absence, then, if I were to be optimistic, means that she's learned her lesson from, from way back when…

This time, she isn't forgetting about my - the queen, I see.

The analogy isn't quite perfect, but I nevertheless find it strangely appropriate. If anything, it at least makes me feel a little better that Hanako, at least, is being taken care of.

…Because I don't think that's a role I can fulfill for her anymore…

I…I don't know if I can ever talk to her again. Just thinking about her makes my heart ache a little.

It's a deeply unpleasant feeling. It's not for the first time that I wish that my condition protected me from emotional pain as well, because this, this hurts, and I still don't know if I'm strong enough to hold myself together.

But…I think, if Emi continues to stay with me, that it's okay to break a little, when I need to.

And Rin -

What do I do about Rin?

I still don't understand what to even think about that entire situation! Maybe the best thing to do there is wait, though, wait for Rin to come back and talk to me.

…Or, rather, that would be ideal, but…

The real world doesn't work like that.

A presence at my door, then it suddenly opens - Rin walks in, clothes covered in dirt and twigs.

…Apparently I've underestimated reality. Somewhere up there really hates me, I think.

The look suits her nicely, I think dimly, trying to reorganize my head again. It seems that every time I try to set things in order, something comes along to scatter my carefully collected thoughts all over again.

I wish I was Rei. She's way better at dealing with this kind of chaos than I am.

"Hello." Rin says.

"Hello." I echo her.

"May I borrow your clothes? Your school uniform, to be precise." Rin asks.

Well. It seems that she's back to normal.

"Whatever do you want those for?" I reply, confused.

"Mine are dirty." She indicates towards her clothes, and I remember.

"That's right, you wear the male uniform." I eye her body. "Well, we're about the body shape. But you're a few centimeters shorter than I am, so the pant legs will probably be a little too long.

Rin shrugs.

"Wait, why don't you use your own clothes? You do have more than the one pair, right?" I ask.

"Yes, but Emi is there, and I can't talk to her right now. Or she'll make me eat. I can't eat right now. Thinking is for now."

"I can't say I agree with you." I say dryly. "You do realize that she's on her way here right now?"

A pause.

"Can I hide under your bed?" Rin pleads.


A/N: yes that chess chapter wasn't as meaningless as it looked

Next - next chapter. Next chapter is going to be a special chapter wherein I write from two different perspectives - Hanako and Emi. This has been noted with some - trepidation - by some readers, including myself, but I think this is essential to the story. At this point, there is enough dissonance between canon Hanako and Emi and Tactility Hanako and Emi, and the things hinting at their reason for change, I think, are a bit too subtle (one far more so than the other, though).

Additionally, some context over the last few days is needed - ESPECIALLY Hanako. I haven't FINISHED writing the chapter yet, so I may change next chapter to be told only from Emi's perspective, and deal with Hanako...in C50, perhaps? Actually, that's sounding more and more attractive - number symmetry, and all that. I'll make it clear when I post the chapter what I've decided.

How do you guys like the more informal emotive writing I've been doing? I think it enhances some of the storytelling and I like it, but do you, the reader, feel the same way?