/ An Impression \\\

Phil had no other choice. As soon as he became someone that was being noticed he had to go online and trawl through the information they had gathered. He had a secret to hide and he needed to know how close people might be getting. He had had no idea that he had shown up in quite so many photos. Luckily for him, JARVIS was able to filter through it all so all he had to view were the photos themselves – not whatever captions had been put on them.

"There is nothing from earlier than 2008," JARVIS informed him.

"I can see that, which is the most prolific feed…or the one with the biggest percentage of the photos."

"That would be TheAgentAvenging, Agent," JARVIS told him and then pulled up the tumblr blog on the large screen.

"The Agent Avenging?"

"Yes."

"Right, can you put that on my tablet instead?"

"Of course," JARVIS said and suddenly his tablet was not only downloading a new app but he suspected he'd just signed up to it. "It will be ready for you in five minutes, Agent."

"Thank you, JARVIS."

Phil decided to take that time to have a shower, and when he was clean he realised he was starving. He hadn't had time to go shopping and he knew that there was a central kitchen that JARVIS kept stocked. But, if he went downstairs there might be questions. So, instead, he resigned himself to mission food and found the cereal and milk he'd brought from his apartment and carried it through to the table.

At first the photos didn't seem that interesting – a lot of Phil in the background of photos. Surrounded by S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents most of the time. Occasional photos of him with Natasha and Clint. Phil felt the twinge of something looking at Natasha and Clint. They had both given him their secrets – he knew those weren't all of their secrets but he knew things about them that they had freely told him and he could understand the betrayal in knowing that he was hiding something big. He looked through the whole blog but there was nothing of note so he put his tablet aside and went to sleep.

He checked every day and JARVIS sent an email of new photos whenever they appeared. And Clint didn't speak to him.

Then Australia happened and everything changed. The newspapers and media outlets were focussed on the Avengers enjoying downtime – something they normally kept behind closed doors. But his dutiful tumblr blog had other things to say and Phil was uncomfortable with just how many shirtless photos there now were of him on the internet. He really wished Bucky had bought him a rashie to go with the board shorts. It was one thing to see himself in the mirror but it was another to be standing next to Thor and Bucky Barnes while shirtless. The pictures weren't that much of a problem to be honest – the worst part was that you could see his face. He wouldn't mind being completely naked on the internet if no one could see his face. This made him feel exposed in a way he didn't like.

Then there were the comments. Apparently he was a sex symbol for some people now. He didn't understand it. He would understand every single person in the world falling at any one of the Avengers' feet. He could even understand the obsession with Loki that some people on the internet had – he might be crazier than a bag of cats but he was a very attractive man. Phil knew exactly how attractive he was or wasn't and the type of people that would respond to it – it was something everyone who'd been in his line of work had to know. This he didn't understand but he could accept it.

The problem was one particular photo and he wasn't even the focus of the photo. Half of his body was hidden and you could only see one of his eyes but that eye was giving things away that Phil was very uncomfortable being visible to anyone.

Phil heard the movement in the vents above him and turned off his tablet, the picture still dancing in front of his eyes. He watched the vent as it slowly unhinged and Clint rolled in – landing lightly on his feet and looking at Phil.

"Hello."

"You're right," Clint said. "We need to talk."

"Good, tea?"

Clint nodded and Phil stood to make the other man a cup of the orange tea he liked. Then he came back and sat across from the archer.

"I was beginning to think I'd have to hunt you down," Phil told him.

"I don't like being lied to."

"I know," Phil wished he was wearing a tie that he could straighten but he was in his sleeping pants already. "And you know that I don't lie to you."

"You haven't told me the truth either."

"Do you want me to?" Phil asked.

"It's classified."

"Yes."

"Then don't offer."

"Before I worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. I did something else, just like you."

"Being in the circus feels a little different to something that Hill isn't even allowed to know about."

Phil shrugged. "From what I know about the circus it's not really that different."

Clint looked at him over his cooling tea and they were silent. Phil's own tea was gone and Clint was halfway through his when the archer finally spoke.

"I know you're just my handler and m-"

"You and me," Phil broke in, his voice quiet. "I've never just been your handler…well, not since the early days at least."

"You mean when we used to run ops together because you were one of the best Specialists at S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

"No, I mean when I'd been promoted because of that job in Meerakesh and I was learning how to be a Handler and we weren't allowed to work together."

"Until the job in Birmingham."

"Until the job in Birmingham and I tried to be your handler, remember?"

"I remember."

"And it didn't work out and we shifted so I wasn't just your handler because that was never going to work. I don't know why you still even have a handler on most of your missions."

"Yes, you do."

Phil sighed. "Yeah, I do."

"I know why you didn't tell me."

"And you know if I could have, I would."

"If you ever need someone to blindly follow you into a situation," Clint said, eyes pointed right over Phil's shoulder. "Because of the black period or anything else, I should be your first call."

"You've always been my first call."

Clint grinned at him suddenly and Phil relaxed.

"We normally drink before these conversations," Clint said.

Phil thought back to the conversations about him being tortured when he'd been an Army Ranger, the conversation about Barney and Kate and everything that lead Clint to run at S.H.I.E.L.D. like the hounds of hell were after him. He thought about a lot of conversations they had had over the years. Clint didn't know how to hold things in, for all you had to know him before he'd let you know anything about him. He nodded at Clint's tea.

"It's not the same, Phil."

Phil immediately felt his lips twitching. "No, but we're getting old, Clint."

Clint laughed. "Breakfast tomorrow?"

Phil nodded and Clint walked to the door, letting himself out without saying goodnight.

Everything settled after that…except…

Two weeks later Dr Doom stole technology from Reed Richards, shot Captain America, and suddenly they had a Steve Rogers from before the serum standing in the middle of Times Square. Everyone froze…except for Dr Doom who turned the gun on Clint and Phil reacted before he had intended to. He was between Clint and Doom and he was the one shot and he felt it exploding out of him before he had even had the opportunity to think about containing it. Dr Doom was gone, dead, and Phil felt the need to curl into himself and hide but he couldn't hide now – everything that he was was now exposed to the world.

"Phil?" Clint asked.

"Don't touch me," Phil said, forcing himself to stand up straight and walk, he ordered everyone out of the quinjet and then he flew to the tower. He locked himself in his bathroom – the cold water of the shower pouring over his head and he tried to tell himself that they would find a way to reverse what Doom had done and Phil would have his control back.

"Agent," JARVIS startled him. "The Avengers are attempting to gain entry."

"Keep them out," Phil ordered.

"I am being overruled by Captain Rogers," JARVIS instructed him. And Phil knew that nothing he said would keep them out now.

"Phil?" Clint's voice.

"Agent Coulson," Steve called out and it wasn't like his voice was different but it was obviously different.

"I'm in here," Coulson called out, voice weaker than he would like it to be. He needed an earpiece to adjust and his tie was stuck to his chest with water.

They came to the door but then they stopped. Phil couldn't bring himself to look up at them.

"We can leave," Steve offered. "If you would prefer to be alone."

"Phil?" Clint prompted and Phil had a feeling that even if the others left Clint would just sit, like a sentinel, outside of the bathroom until Phil came out.

"It's fine," Phil told them, and he looked up to see Clint through the door first, sliding to the side and settling against the cupboard. Phil knew he was thinking that he could climb up onto the bench and have his back to a wall as well as having the best vantage point in the room.

Steve was the next through the door and he didn't look real even though Phil could remember this version of him from studying Captain America footage. A part of him could acknowledge that his sixteen-year-old self was right – this Steve Rogers was too attractive and cute for words. His eyes flicked to Bucky and he watched the man track Steve's movements.

"What happened?" Phil asked.

"Dr Doom is gone," Steve told him. "When he disappeared his henchpeople left quickly. S.H.I.E.L.D. are handling the clean-up."

"He didn't disappear," Phil told him, eyes flickering around the room. "He's dead."

"What was that?" Tony asked, almost jumping at the opening Phil had given him. "What are you? Are you a mutant?"

"I don't know what I am," Phil offered. "I don't have the Mutant X gene though I spent a little time with Hank McCoy when I first presented."

"You are very powerful, Son of Coul," Thor said.

"I'm destructive," Phil countered. "I can't always control it."

"But why are you in the shower?" Tony asked.

"I'm overheating," Phil explained. "After the power comes out I can't control my body temperature and I've found that after an…incident being in the shower helps."

Steve nodded and sunk down to the floor in front of the shower and Phil had never liked the man as much as he did in that moment. The rest of the team followed him, except for Clint who looked like he wasn't sure what to do.

"Can you talk about it?" Bruce asked.

Phil nodded – after all, seeing him kill Dr Doom like that was basically the same as being read into Phil's past. "I grew up in Maine, all completely normal, I was obsessed with Captain America as a boy and I wanted to help save the world so I joined the Army…and became an Army Ranger. Everything up until 1990 is true in my record."

Phil paused and the room waited.

"I was in Iraq when it happened," he finally continued.

Phil patted his tie and straightened his back. Years of conditioned do not talk about it, don't even think about it, pretend it never happened warring with his desire to be honest with his team.

"Take as much time as you need," Bucky told him softly. "If you need to wait until later we can wait with you."

Phil looked up at him and saw understanding mixed in with that haunted look he got when he remembered. It was why Phil had been able to see past what the Winter Soldier had done, past what Clint and Natasha had been before to what they were when they had been standing in front of him hoping for a better option. His eyes flicked to Natasha and he saw understanding in her eyes as well but a little bit of something else too that told him she hadn't worked it out before.

"I was pinned down during a mission and they ended up getting my whole team, me, and a unit of British SAS along with a doctor. We were kept for over a month and there was torture but they were very careful not to leave too many scars but they were happy to kill us – I was in charge so they spent a lot of time with me but they couldn't make me tell them things I didn't know even when they were killing my men. They never touched the doctor because he was useful to them. I was being tortured when it happened. It was just like today only I had no idea what was happening. Everyone died except for the British doctor. John and I walked for days until we found a way to get help. I left a trail of destruction behind me."

Stark shot up. "That was you?"

Phil wanted to fidget but he couldn't so he smoothed a hand down his tie again and nodded.

"We got blamed for that – they thought it was misfiring Stark tech."

"It was me…I couldn't cool my body down so I just kept burning."

"And that camp of rebels?" Tony asked. "At the end of the trail?"

"That's how we called for help," Phil said. "John went in alone…he was only slightly injured when he made it out. He never blamed me."

"And then?"

"And then they thought I was a mutant who was displaying late so they let me go to Charles Xavier when I was discharged."

"Honourably?" Bucky asked.

Phil nodded. "Didn't feel like it but yes."

"Sometimes people die and our hands are covered in blood but there was no way we could move them to protect ourselves," Bucky said and Phil wished he had have been more for the other man when he was recovering because he had understood but it didn't been his place and now there was a debt that he couldn't repay.

"I went to Charles but Dr McCoy discovered very quickly I was not a mutant. He didn't put that down on any official paperwork because Charles Xavier might be the world's leading optimist but he's not an idiot and he knew that if they weren't sure what I was I was more likely to disappear into a testing facility. Magneto himself tried to recruit me…in between flirting with Charles." Phil paused and Bruce smirked as though he'd know about that titbit all along. "I stayed with Xavier for over a year trying to control my powers. We even thought we had it under control. This was before the X-men so the only people who know are Charles and Hank. Though I have a feeling Dr McCoy told Havok…who knows what those two talk about when they…anyway. I went out and tried to help and people died and I asked them to hide me. Havok understood in a way that no one else at the time could and he agreed with hiding me. That's when I got my law degree."

Tony laughed. "You were in hiding with mutants, being wooed by Magneto, and trying to control uncontrollable powers, so you decided to get a law degree?"

Phil nodded. He slid forward in the shower, the water no longer beating down on him but when he looked down at his hand there was steam curling above his skin so he held in a sigh and slid back under the spray. When he looked up, Clint was the only one watching him.

"Until today the only other person who knew that my powers were not mutant powers was Nick," Phil went on and everyone's eye drifted back to him but he kept looking at Clint who stared back at him without flinching. "During that time a lot of the older X-men started joining Charles' school. Did you know he and Magneto planned the school together…could you imagine the world we would live in if their vision had have gone on the way it was planned."

"Living in the past isn't worth the pain," Natasha told him.

Phil smiled at her. "It's still a magnificent thought, isn't it, Tasha."

She inclined her head at him.

"But you're right," Phil said, turning back to Clint. "I knew they would find out about me eventually and I did not want to have another incident in a school full of children so I decided to move to a remote part of the country and live out my life in isolation."

"Then what?" Bruce prompted.

"Then McCoy found something in my DNA he could manipulate. And Fury found me and offered me a second chance to help save the world. So McCoy supressed my abilities, Fury made my past disappear so no one could try and undo what Hank did and use me to kill people. And I started working for S.H.I.E.L.D."

"And then you became an Avenger," Tony said. "It's a heart-warming story."

"Then you weren't listening," Phil told him.

Tony rolled his eyes. "JARVIS, drop the temperature in Agent's apartment to the same temperature as his shower."

"Excellent idea, Mr Stark."

"Make it three degrees colder than that, JARVIS," Phil countered.

"Done, Agent."

Phil turned off the water and waited. Bucky looked worried, and his eyes barely strayed away from Steve but Phil couldn't give it any brain power while he was focussed entirely in his own body. He couldn't feel his temperature lifting and he hoped like hell that it was going to hold as the first shiver hit him. He smiled up at Tony who, predictably, looked sickeningly smug.

"We'll leave you alone," Bucky said, grabbing Steve's elbow and then suddenly everyone was gone.

Phil turned the shower back on and used it for its intended purpose and then dried and redressed. When he walked into his bedroom he found Clint in a jumper sitting on the end of his bed.

"How do you feel?" Clint asked.

"Tired," Phil said honestly. "Killing a man won't hit me until later."

Clint nodded and Phil appreciated the lack of comforting words; they both knew those were empty. Clint pulled out something that looked surprisingly like a dart from a dartboard set and held it in his palm in front of Phil.

"What's that?" Phil asked, eying the dart in Clint's hand.

"Tranq dart," Clint told him, fiddling with the dart and twirling it between his fingers. "You sleep, I'll watch, if you start to smoke I'll put this in you."

"I might hurt you," Phil argued.

"I'll be by the door," Clint reassured him, he pulled another dart out of his pocket and walked to the door then flicked his wrist and the dart – one from the set in his quarters, embedded itself between Phil's thumb and forefinger. "I'll be outside before it hits you…and you know it will hit you."

Phil felt something tighten in his chest.

"You do trust me, don't you, Sir?"

"Don't call me Sir when you're about to watch me sleep."

"Phil?"

"You haven't slept either."

Clint shrugged. "Bruce and Tony are looking into a way to reverse what was done to you and Steve. Bucky is watching Steve sleep…or whatever he does when he can't cope with the sheer weight of worrying about Steve. Thor is talking to his mother about your powers to see if they know something of them and Tasha is talking to Fury. All you need to do is sleep, Phil."

Phil was tired…so tired he could barely bring himself to settle on the bed. "I trust you."

Clint smiled at him and Phil thought it might be hard to fall asleep but knowing that Clint would stop him gave him the comfort to sleep.

/\/\/\

Sometimes, only sometimes, Phil could admit that Reid Richards was a smart man. Like all geniuses he was often stupid and reckless and often did not think about consequences but in this he had been smart. There were detailed plans of the tech that Dr Doom had stolen and he was able to fabricate a duplicate and reverse what was done to them. Phil was pleased for himself but he was also thankful for Bucky. The moment Steve was back to being 'Captain America' the other man breathed for the first time in days.

/\/\/\

Phil went and found the other man when everyone else was in the kitchen deciding on which side of the menu to order for dinner…they would end up with half of the thing like normal.

"You were worried," Phil said quietly.

"I wasn't the only one."

"But you were worried for Steve not worried about what I might do without control."

"I knew you wouldn't hurt us," Bucky said. "But Steve might have done something stupid."

"Like what?"

Bucky half laughed. "Picked a fight with Loki, tried to take out Magneto by himself, something like that."

"But…" Phil wanted to say something about Steve being smaller but he was still Steve and the comment would be a lie…and unfair to every David who stood up to a Goliath whether they won or not.

"The best thing about the serum was that he stopped picking fights with guys who were bigger than him."

"To be fair, there aren't that many people bigger than him."

"That and I have never had to spend another night listening to him coughing like he's going to start coughing up blood and die in my arms."

Phil turned to look at him with surprise.

"Every night in winter…I couldn't keep him warm enough – no matter how many extra shifts I would work. Back then I wished I could give him my lungs, who knew it would be actually possible one day."

"That must have been terrible."

"It was…I remember having nightmares when they were reconditioning me and I never knew why but I'd hear someone coughing…always coughing as they were burning me out to remake me. I guess I did remember some things."

Phil wanted to reach out and offer comfort but Steve spoke before he got a chance to work out what to do.

"You never told me that," Steve said quietly from behind them.

"Hadn't thought about it until you were small and I had to think about keeping you alive again."

"I'm not fragile."

"No," Bucky agreed. "But you are a damn fool who has no idea when to back down and let your body rest."

"Jerk."

"Punk."

And Phil had to leave because he'd never heard those words infused with so much love and he felt like he was intruding on something private and intimate.

All-in-all, he didn't mind everyone knowing about his past and his powers because it was freeing to not have secrets from them. And he trusted them not to tell. But then he went online. There were no photos of the actual incident – there couldn't be, there might be film but he doubted it. There was something about his powers that made it hard for people to get it all on film. He checked his normal collection of tumblrs but he found something different.

A lot of photos of Phil and Clint. And one very specific photo of he and Clint. Him, diving in front of Clint with an expression on his face that he couldn't recognise.

And there were more photos. Phil wasn't even sure when they had been taken in some cases, it was him watching Clint jump down from the building. Then another of Phil watching Clint land. And one of him just staring at Clint and he couldn't remember it but they had certainly noted it, and more besides. Apparently there were lots of photos of he and Clint, and someone named AgentHawkisREAL had compiled a lot of them. They were also under the impression that they showed Phil's deep and abiding love for Clint which was ridiculous.

But, but…he couldn't stop looking at that photo of him stepping between Doom and Clint.

TBC

I wanted to keep up the posting a chapter a day but this got big and I had to work a couple of nights at work. I just watched CACW and I couldn't resist some Stucky. My favourite thing in this ship is that these two have never shared a screen - I love the power of our headcanons.