A/N: I'm a bit anxious how this chapter will come across.
I will say one thing, though, to help guide your thoughts;
There is no evil. There is no good. There are only differing shades of grey.
If there's anything I've learned in seventeen years of life, it's that loss is not measured in what is visibly abnormal, but rather what is not there.
The classroom is empty again.
…Well, perhaps that's not entirely accurate. There are sixteen students in attendance, including myself.
But the classroom is still empty, because one of them is missing.
I squeeze my eyes shut tight to stem the tears that threaten to fall.
And…I was doing so well, too…
Once again, I've lost. This time, though, I wasn't prepared for the consequences. And…
Hisao isn't the only thing I lost.
Not the only thing I pushed away.
…I wasted an offer of genuine friendship, too, from someone in a very powerful place. And I know I'm straining my only friendship left, too - telling Lilly to stay away for a little while. She says she understands, but what if she doesn't?
I got too used to what I had.
But maybe - maybe I've gotten a little stronger too. I managed to attend classes yesterday, after lunch, though in part that might have been because Hisao wasn't there. Who knows what I would've done if…he was…
Attendance is called. My name passes; Mutou glances at me briefly to confirm my presence, and I avoid his eyes.
Then -
"Miura? Present…" A pause, as Mutou mutters something under his breath. "Ooe?"
Where's -
Where's Hisao's name?
Fear coalesces in my heart.
Isn't this what I expected, losing him forever?
This shouldn't be different - except -
What have I DONE!?
I have enough presence of mind to grab my bag before sprinting as fast as I can out of the classroom and down and away
Think, THINK! What - why?
Why wasn't his name -
I can think of a few different possibilities. A transfer out from school - death?
Hurt me as much as you want. But not him!
The corridors feel longer than they used to - is this - is this normal? My breath comes in ragged pants as I exert myself harder than I'm used to
SLOW DOWN AND BREATHE!
I CAN'T!
Thud thud thud thud.
My racing heart helps, a little bit, putting things in perspective for me as my feet slap across the concrete - concrete? I'm outside. Sidewalk, boy's dorm, inside -
Freeze.
What is she doing here?
I instinctively flinch as Rei Miyuki turns around, those eyes piercing into my soul.
Somewhere my mind notes that she's carrying three sandwiches in her hands. It helps to reduce the intimidation factor a bit.
"Hanako Ikezawa." She says, looking interested, placing the sandwiches down on a table next to her. "I admit that I did not ever expect to see you again, so this is a welcome surprise."
Welcome…surprise? Welcome? Why…?
The dissonance helps me regain some mental clarity.
I notice that I am confused.
Why am I confused?
I am confused because I do not understand what is happening.
What is happening?
A mental trick I've practiced endlessly to try and help reduce my anxiety in stressful situations automatically kicks in, helping - my mind functions better when faced with a challenge, I think, when it has something to work on, an obvious problem.
Rei Miyuki seems to regard my presence as welcome.
Why is this confusing?
Because by my estimation, she should not.
Why not?
Because Hisao -
"Is H-Hisao o-okay?" I blurt out.
She closes her eyes. "Why the concern?"
HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? …No, I guess I deserved that, didn't I? You…really know how to make it hurt.
"I'm sorry if those words were particularly harsh." Rei says. "But it is truly important to whether or not we keep talking."
Because…it's all my fault…if I hadn't…if I had just left him alone, he would have been fine. He wouldn't have landed in the hospital. If I had just - been alone like I was SUPPOSED to, I-
"I see." Rei murmurs, and I flinch - did I say something I didn't mean to!? "Much as I expected, then…so. So."
"Hanako Ikezawa, what do you intend to do about this?"
Sometime while I was running, I had attempted to answer this very question. However, I couldn't get past step 1:
Find Hisao.
Nothing came after that, and then I ran out of time.
"You don't know. That's fine. Would you like some honest advice?" Rei asks.
I sense that this is a rhetorical question.
Her eyes open, unyielding sapphires.
"Give up on him."
…!
That…!
"Hanako, if you can't break past your limits, that's fine. But you will not be able to pursue Hisao, in friendship or otherwise."
Does she - she know?
"Because right now, you're playing a very dangerous game. It's not just you at stake, here. If you continue on your path, and leave him again, you're going to damage him beyond repair."
I-
"So give up. Turn back and go to class." She says. "You can't do this, so stop trying."
I've heard that too much. But -
I'm…
I notice that I am confused.
Why am I confused?
I am confused because I do not understand what is happening and why it is happening.
What is happening?
I am being told to give up.
Why is this happening?
Because Rei Miyuki thinks that I am pressing my limits too hard.
Am I?
…
"No." I reply. Rei's eyes widen.
"No!" I say again - I like the sound of that, this defiant voice amongst the others.
Why do you deserve this chance?
Because…!
"You…you're n-not Hisao, so you can't tell m-me what to do! I…I won't b-break like that, and - neither…n-neither will Hisao! If…"
I gather my thoughts and my resolve.
"I-If you, you're r-really h-his friend, then, t-then you'll l-let him show you…h-how strong he is!"
The crystals fade from sight. "Hanako, I…I admire your spirit. I really do. That's why I haven't…" She trails off.
Haven't what?
"…but…well, let's put it this way. Hanako, if you break him again - and I'm not talking about the arrhythmia, that wasn't your fault, and the only one who thinks it is would be you - if you break him again and he -"
Rei shudders, with tears leaking from her closed eyes.
"…This time, he hasn't, but, what if he tries to kill himself again? What if he succeeds this time?"
…What?! WHAT!?
"Will you be strong enough to bear that? Will you be strong enough to stand your ground? Because you need to be or you're going to hurt both of you, don't you see? You - Hanako, you DESERVE happiness, more than almost anybody else, certainly more than me, and it's not fair that I try to tell you to maybe turn away from your own happiness, but you might KILL him if you falter again, Hanako!"
Her eyes open again, shining brightly with unshed tears. "Hanako Ikezawa! Are you strong enough to stay?"
…no…
I'm not. And, worse, I know that I'm not. Am I…am I willing to turn away?
"I d-don't know. But - I, I n-need to k-know if he's….if he's…"
Well, he's not - but, he could still be…
"He's sick, apparently, but he's otherwise…well, he will be healthy." Rei answers me.
"I…see. T-Thank y-you."
It shouldn't matter to me whether or not Hisao is leaving or not. Because…Rei is right. I…I don't…I can't talk to him any longer. Not as a friend.
Because I'll just hurt him.
I didn't think…
…it would hurt so much, though.
"Hanako." Rei's voice stops me in my tracks. "I know…I know that I'm probably the last person you want to see right now…"
You're absolutely right.
"But I'm still willing to be your friend…if you want one." I turn around, shocked.
Still!?
I notice that I am confused.
Why am I confused?
I'm confused because I don't understand anything.
…
Yeah, you're on your own.
"Don't move!" A sharp voice commands, and instinctively I freeze in place, realizing I was moments away from fleeing.
Rei steps forward. "I'm…sorry, if this hurts you, but it needs to be done, I think."
"W-Wha-" She hugs me.
…!?
I don't have an appropriate response ready for this. So what do I say or do?
What would His- Lilly, what would Lilly do?
It's pitiful how few people I actually know. But here I'm being given a chance to add one to my list. But I…don't understand why…
"You might hate me right now…but…I really don't want to hurt you. I'm truly sorry." She murmurs, her head resting against the center of my chest. I can feel her arms trembling a little against my back.
This must be…
"N-No. I…I d-don't." I reply. And I'm not lying. I…
Rei's not mean. She just…she just wants to protect Hisao…
…I understand that. It hurts and I don't like it, but…I…I understand…
"P-Please let me leave now." I whisper.
She lets me go immediately.
"I hope you forgive me one day…" Rei replies. "I understand if you don't, though." She bows deeply, respectfully - I can't help but reciprocate, even if I don't feel up to the whole forgiveness thing yet.
It might not be her fault, but feelings, I've found, don't always work rationally.
She collects her sandwiches and disappears deeper inside, towards what is presumably Hisao's room. Resisting the temptation to make some kind of effort to talk to Hisao - that part about him having tried to - to do that before is particularly alarming, but
IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE
NOT YOUR PLACE
NOT YOU
I turn around instead and walk outside, sending a last wistful look behind me before shaking my head and continuing on.
Down to my room, so I can cry for everything I've lost.
If there's anything I've learned in seventeen years of life, it's that loss is not measured in what is visibly abnormal, but rather what is not there.
A/N: This is the end of the chapter. The following is a "bonus", but consider it canon. This takes place some time before C41.
"Hello there." A calm voice says, and I snap out of my reverie, looking around through my bangs as I come to a stop. There's a girl in front of me, long brown hair in a similar style to mine and blue sapphire eyes that seem to pierce deep into my core. A girl, shorter than me, but at the same time holding herself far more confidently. She looks like an adult in a child's body.
And she has metal legs, from the knee down. They remind me a little of that running girl - Emi, I think, but hers are straighter and clearly not meant for running.
"H-H-Hello…" I say nervously. The way she carries herself - it's very startling, like I couldn't possibly ignore her even if I tried, but yet it's somehow still so calm…
"You're Hanako Ikezawa, aren't you? Hisao's friend? It's nice to meet you, though I wish it could have been in better circumstances." She bows, formally, and I hasten to match her. This is - she's like Lilly, I think, with how formal she speaks.
"How…h-how do you…know m-my name?" I ask. She smiles gently.
"I've been briefed on his relationships with the other students."
Briefed?
Yamaku is pretty expensive, so if you're a student there, you're on scholarship or you're connected to someone with money. I'm a little bit of both; despite my schooling issues I had fairly good grades and test scores because my homeroom teachers made allowances for me. Additionally, my parents worked in good jobs - my mom was an architect - and most of their money went to me, put into things like my schooling fund. The government isn't paying my way through school.
Between the two, I have enough money to finish out my schooling and go to a successful college.
But - the language of this girl -
"W-Who are you?" Her eyes widen in surprise.
"Oh, I haven't introduced myself, have I? My name is Rei Miyuki." She bows lightly. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."
My blood freezes.
That Miyuki family?! Hisao, who are you?
It's not a unique name, but - the way this girl holds herself? It's very possible - likely, even.
She seems to understand what I'm thinking. "Yes, what you're thinking is correct, assuming you're thinking about my identity. My father is Hajime Miyuki."
Quick background - Hajime Miyuki is one of the ten richest men in the country and wields a significant amount of political influence. He's the CEO of a company that focuses on the medical field, especially pharmaceuticals and electronic and mechanical devices. He has a single daughter, who suffers from a rare disorder of some sort, and is actively working to cure her. He appears pretty frequently on the news, and I'd imagine much of the Yamaku population would recognize the last name- more than a few rely on devices or medications provided by the corporation. I did a report on him for one of my classes.
"It's how I got the information I have. Otherwise not relevant to the conversation, however. My apologies if you feel uncomfortable in my presence - I won't tell you not to, because I'd feel similarly; but try not to be afraid of me." She smiles lightly, a little self-deprecatingly.
"I…w-will keep that under consideration…" I whisper shyly. "D-Did…you w-want something with…me?" For some reason, we're still having this conversation. I thought she would just continue on her way, but she seems to have some sort of personal interest in me.
"Indeed. Just to ask you a question, actually, that I'd like you to answer, if you can. Would that be alright?"
She's giving me a chance to back out, but this feels like a test…
"Y-Yes." I nod my head.
"Very well then. I'd like to know why you're out here, and not in there." Rei points behind me to the open door of Hisao's room.
"…B-Because…I don't…I d-don't think he'd…w-want t-to see me…" I say, dropping my head.
"I disagree." She says simply. "But we'll talk about my feelings later. Why do you think that?"
This girl sounds a lot like Miss Irie.
"…Because…b-because it's m-my fault…" She raises a manicured eyebrow.
"That's not what I heard. The report from Kenji Setou implicates you as the reason Hisao got help at all. You were the one who screamed, right?"
"T-That was…"
"Instinctive? Not everything we do is controlled. But they happen anyway. You don't have to take credit for helping to save him, if you don't want it, but you certainly can't blame yourself, right?" Rei says reasonably.
If I hadn't been there and pushed him to talk to me, this would not have happened.
I just wanted to…help…but I hurt him instead…
She's still waiting for an answer I can't give. I avert my eyes to the ground. To my dismay, I realize that I'm standing on one of the plain blue tiles. That's bad luck-
"Look at me." Rei whispers urgently, and there's a sudden intensity in the air that compels me to look up to her. "It's not you, alright? You didn't cause his condition. That's the real cause of this!"
No…it's not. You can't tell gravity to turn off before jumping off a cliff. I should have kept his emotional state in mind before pushing him. I KNEW he was under stress! I could see it in his eyes and, and, before then, too! But I still…still….
Her shoulders slump. "I can't convince you, can I? That's…that's fine, then. But…I hope you figure this out sometime, alright? Or it's going to cost you a lot."
I nod mechanically. She sighs, regret and stress mingling, and it makes me feel a little bit worse, for wasting her time like this.
"See you around, Hanako." She says, bowing slightly before walking away.
I stare numbly.
Then I continue my pacing, stepping back and forth on the colored tiles, trying to regain the luck I've lost.
A/N: Now that you've seen pretty deeply into the person that Rei Miyuki appears to be, and directly into the minds of Emi Ibarazaki and Hanako Ikezawa, do tell me your thoughts on them. I'm very interested to see how the characterization is coming across.
And I should reiterate what I've said before. It's one of the central themes of the story.
There is no evil. There is no good. There are only differing shades of grey.
At some point - I haven't decided when, or if - sex may appear in this story, both hinted at and explicitly discussed. I think it's something pretty important for certain characters. These references will begin at C48, so you have been warned. Any explicit sex scenes will be uploaded to a different site in order to dodge deletion, but be warned that chapters here on out may contain references to graphic violence, including abuse, rape, or other, mild sexual situations with NO chapter warning to avoid any spoilers.
I mean it. No complaints. I will reiterate this for a few chapters, but not indefinitely - consider yourself warned!
