A/N: I try my best to write dynamic characters. For full enjoyment of the story, consider them from that perspective. Also, let's consider some things -
Hisao hasn't eaten for a significant portion of time.
Hisao hasn't slept well for a significant time.
Hisao is currently undergoing physical stress.
Hisao is currently undergoing emotional stress.
Also consider the current state of the other characters, given what you know of their 'new' personalities - how would they react - how ARE they reacting?
Something's gotta break.
At some point - I haven't decided when, or if - sex may appear in this story, both hinted at and explicitly discussed. I think it's something pretty important for certain characters. These references will begin now, so you have been warned. Any explicit sex scenes will be uploaded to a different site in order to dodge deletion, but be warned that chapters here on out may contain references to graphic violence, including abuse, rape, or other, mild sexual situations with NO chapter warning to avoid any spoilers.
I'm sitting innocently on my bed, facing the door, and waiting for Emi to return, a niggling feeling in the back of my mind.
Rin is lying under my bed. I'm not sure what she intends to accomplish there, but I decided to play along with her.
Only now I'm wondering if that was really the best thing to do. My instincts are pretty good…and they're telling me something's about to happen.
There's a muffled sound from under my bed.
"Rin? You okay there?" There's no answer, so I lie down on my bed and lean my upper body over the bed, peeking under it.
It appears that - Rin's found…uh…a magazine…
"That's NOT mine." I say firmly, as she gives it a curious look before glancing sideways at me. How did she even find that?
"Ew, don't hold it in your mouth. Here, give it to me." I reach down further and stretch my arm out, gingerly pulling it from her teeth.
She's pretty far under there - I'm going to need to streeeeetch-
"Hisao, what on earth are you doing?" A feminine voice asks, and I quickly try to regain my balance, fail, and fall off the bed, getting a glimpse of the speaker.
"…Rei?" I ask from my very undignified position on the floor, scrambling to a sitting position.
…With the magazine in hand.
She gives me an odd little smile, and leans over to yank the magazine out of my hand, glancing at the cover.
"Interesting reading material." Rei says, raising her eyebrow, but something in her voice seems off. Should I press it? For now I'll play along.
"Not mine." I hiss. She nods, not pressing it - she shouldn't. This is a sensitive topic for both of us…
Neither of us are going to be able to experience physical intimacy properly, unless there's some kind of medical breakthrough. The fact that the medications work seem to indicate that the cause of this disorder is chemical based, though I'm not sure of the exact specifics.
"Emi got you some food." Rei says quietly, and I see that she's holding some sandwiches wrapped in plastic. "I believe that right now she's talking to the Head Nurse about something."
I scowl a bit. Emi's undoubtedly brought up my sickness; now he'll lecture me for not reporting in first. She winces upon seeing my mood, and I quickly try to regain my calm.
"I'll thank her when I see her again." She nods again, placing the sandwiches down on the nearest table. There's an odd little smile on her face with an expression I can't name.
Something's not right at all.
"Hey, are you okay?" I ask. She flinches.
"Don't worry about me." Rei replies, averting her eyes.
…?
"What's wrong?" It's weird that she's keeping this distance between us, like I'm going to lash out at her…
Oh. The last time she was like this -
…was when we were arguing, way back when, about whether or not I should do the testing for her. We both got pretty heated at the time and set some hurtful things, though I definitely 'won', so to speak. It didn't do any permanent damage to our friendship, but for a while she was a lot quieter and reserved than she should have been…and wow, did that hurt more than anything.
"…Hisao…I-I'm sorry…" Her mask suddenly crumbles, like a worn dam, all of her repressed emotions breaking free at once.
"What?" I begin, but then cold clarity falls over me. I know what this is about - knew what this was about the second I realized something was wrong with the way was acting.
Fate truly is a fickle thing.
"Hanako, right?" She nods miserably. My fists clench at my side.
"What did you do?" Rei winces. The action looks distinctly wrong on her face.
"…I, I, I may have…pushed H-Hanako away…from you…" And now she's openly crying.
I close my eyes.
Well…This was…I prepared for this much, at least. This is basically the worst-case scenario, but I was ready for this much. I didn't anticipate how it all came together, though. I really didn't, not at all, and so it catches me off guard.
Hm. Is it odd that I feel so strangely numb right now? I don't want to see anyone. I really, really don't want to see anyone right now.
"Okay. Please leave now. I don't want to see you right now." I say icily.
"I - understand. P-Please…don't…h-hate-"
"I'll consider it. Leave." She cringes before backing away, quietly shutting the door behind her.
That was surprisingly easy. I thought it would be more painful than that. But no. Things feel very simple and blank right now, actually.
There's some shuffling under my bed before Rin extricates herself, standing up.
"Do you want to go to the Worry Tree?" She asks.
"No. I just need to be alone right now." I say bluntly.
"Okay." And she turns around, staring at the door.
"Do you mind lending me a hand? Figuratively and literally? I seem to be a little short." Rin says, flapping her empty arm sleeves.
I stand up and open the door.
"Thank you." She steps out.
I close the door.
I sit on the bed.
I give up, universe. You very clearly don't want me to be happy. So I give up. I can't stop you, but you can clearly stop me. So there's no point trying to fight.
I'm done.
There's just nothing now. Absolutely nothing.
Ah. Ahahahaha.
Back to square one.
…No. Not quite. This isn't square one.
Because now all of my mental defenses are fractured and bleeding, exposing weakness, and now it actually hurts.
…
Well…
There's a sort of understanding that I've gained in this process, this process of slow death, of being dragged away from the light, and I've come to several different decisions.
The first one is simple - yet, so important.
I will continue the trial medications.
I can't quite track the line of thought that led me to this decision. If anything, I will continue doing it for Rei, and for the other unknown patients, now and later, that might need this cure.
But that desire has waned a bit. And it's not because of what Rei did - if that plays a role, it's not a major one. I couldn't hate her if I tried. Not after everything.
But…the main factor in my decision is undoubtedly -
I don't really value my own life. Not anymore. And as long as that is true, then I don't need to be scared of dying.
If life is not worth living, then I ought to make it as interesting as possible, and the medications are the key. It's as simple as that. I don't even have to worry about others worrying about me -
My second choice - Keep on pushing people away. I might be spiraling down, but I don't need to take anyone else with me.
Third - Emi…
…I have to figure out how to let her go, too. Of all my remaining friends and acquaintances she knows me the most, and worries. I'll need her to turn away so she doesn't hurt herself.
Don't forget…I need you here too.
I flinch.
I said that, didn't I…?
But that was a lie, just a lie, I don't need her or Hanako or Rei or anyone. I -
but that's the real lie, isn't it
…I can't even lie convincingly to myself. How can I possibly pretend well enough for Emi to believe me when I tell her that I'll be fine?
But then it occurs to me, with a sick sort of clarity, that I don't NEED to convince her, I just need to hurt her, hurt her enough to where she doesn't want to-
And it's the wrongness of that statement that brings me back, and I realize that what I thought was reality wasn't true.
Well, if not that - then what?
I could lock myself in here. That's an increasingly attractive prospect…but it could never happen. I'd get dragged out kicking and screaming.
Perhaps I'm not looking at this the right way. But then, what is the correct way to interpret this particular chain of events and circumstances?
That's right, there's that therapist, isn't there? I'll be seeing her on…Sunday.
Maybe it would be best to hold off any important decisions until then. I should prepare for the worst, though. Experience has taught me that much.
I just have to make it through this week. This should be a simple task, but, hell, I haven't even made it through this day yet. This is too difficult.
Trying to remember if I have any urgent obligations…
Just Kenji. Even if it was ultimately a waste of effort, I guess I should thank him for the thought. It saved everyone else a little bit of misery, I guess.
I'll talk to him tomorrow. I…don't feel up to it right now. I just need to…I just need to sleep.
I drift over to my bed and sleep. Hopefully no one will disturb me. I just want to be alone right now.
Some time later I'm roused from slumber. In what is perhaps an ironic twist of fate, I manage to sleep better than I have in days. Maybe my brain was so tired that it just shut down. For whatever the cause, I will be grateful.
I'm feeling a little bit better now. Sitting up on the bed, I notice something strange - the sandwiches…
They're gone? Perhaps this is some sort of odd dream. But after having waited several minutes in complete - normal - silence, I'm forced to admit that someone entered my room while I was asleep and took them. To what purpose, I couldn't say, but they're gone now.
I didn't intend on eating them anyways - but I should eat something. I don't think I've had a good meal - or any meal - in days. I can't feel hunger pains, but I'm really supposed to take better care of myself…
School should've made it easier, with the standardized lunch times, but I've been so occupied recently that it's managed to slip my mind…
I may not value my life, but I certainly have no intention of running into Death's cold embrace quite so…pathetically. Starving to death when there's food within walking distance? That would be petulant and selfish beyond even what I'm willing to do.
I look to my alarm clock. Near midnight. I suppose that I'm obligated to head down to the Nurse to receive my physical checkup. I'm sure he'll lecture me in regards to my…lackluster attempts at maintaining my health, too.
I'm rambling. I do not want to go outside. But there truly is nowhere safe for me, no matter where it is I try to hide. If I am to be hurt, it may as well be on my own terms. So off I go, then.
"Looks like you have a fever. And you also told me that you haven't been eating or sleeping well? It's amazing that a fever's the only problem you have." The Nurse lectures as I sit down.
"Where can I learn Japanese Sign Language?" I ask. "I have to do that before Shizune'll let me on the Student Council."
The Nurse sighs, a hint of heat creeping into his expression.
"Look, I can't make you care about your health. That's up to you. But if it's obvious even to a guy like me that's something's up with you, then you need help. Can we agree on that much?"
I shrug.
"By the way, I want to restart the trial medications. May I?"
He looks dumbfounded.
"Look, Nakai, there's a difference between being lazy in regards of your health and being actively suicidal. What's the problem, here? You're a smart guy - you understand what you're asking me to do, right?"
"Yes." I say blankly. "Your medical expertise has been duly noted."
He studies me intensely. "And if I refuse to dispense them?"
"I'll go above you if I have to. But I don't want to, because I really do like you and think you're competent, Nurse. You're good for the school, and I don't want to sacrifice someone for my own selfishness, but…"
…
what the hell are you saying
…
I can't believe that I'm actually threatening Nurse.
"I'm sorry. But that's just…how it needs to be for now." I say, averting my eyes.
I recognize this mistake, but continue to push it anyways.
"I see." He says, sighing before slumping back in his chair. "You're really set on your path of self-destruction, aren't you?"
I don't reply. He looks anguished - I didn't think he cared this much. Or…maybe -
"…Have you considered how what you're doing will affect others? You've made quite a few friends here, have you not?"
"Stop." I say icily.
"No. You need to hear this. Nakai, do you even care?"
ANY OTHER WAY
If he had worded that question ANY OTHER WAY, I would have been able to ignore it. But - but this…
didn't you want
once upon a time
for people to care
about you
"What I want doesn't…" I stop and switch arguments, realizing that the current strand leads to failure. "There's more lives than my own at stake here."
"Those lives aren't in immediate danger! You don't need to so urgently try to kill yourself in some misguided attempt-"
"That's NOT what I'm trying to do here!"
"Isn't it?" He snaps. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that!"
I recoil, a faint thread of memory flashing past my eyes-
"This…this isn't your business." I say, all my anger spent. Now I just feel numb again. I can't help but wonder if my capacity for feeling emotion drains away with my misery, falling deep into the darkness.
He snorts. "Isn't it? This nameplate isn't for show."
"Please…please just, just let me do this…" I whisper, defeated. "This…this is all I have left. Just let me…"
He looks alarmed. It takes him some time to consider his decision - I look away awkwardly, pretending not to be interested.
"Fine. Fine." He relents. "If you do not report in daily for your physicals, though, I reserve the right to restrict your medication. Understood?"
I nod.
"Then…I'll send in the notification that you'll be continuing the clinical trials and request them as they come." He taps a few keys on his keyboard. There's silence for some time.
"I have another condition." The Nurse says, not looking up.
"What?"
"You WILL see the therapist I have assigned to you. Ichiko Irie. Understood, Nakai? You know what the consequences are."
"Yes." I say.
"Very well then. You may leave."
So I do.
A/N: The next chapters are going to be hell. There's going to be at least one chapter with split perspectives, a Hanako chapter, a Rei chapter...
I think this multiple-perspective thing is going to become the norm. There's simply TOO much happening for me to continue weaving the world. This isn't a focused route and I can't treat it as such. Before, I could get away with it because things were simple, but there are plots. There are at least five different manipulators on the field right now - and even more manipulations.
Next chapter is a combined Rei/Shizune. And then I'll flop back to Hisao/Hanako and resolve lots of different things for C50. It'll be - fun! And also it'll be the only chapter I've had so far that covers any kind of significant time span - if things work out like I intend them to, it'll push from Tuesday (Yeah, we're only a little over two weeks in...) to Sunday.
May also split the chapters, but I really am a fan of the number 50, so we'll see. I've been writing substantially longer chapters recently, so it may as well keep in with the trend.
For all of the recent reviews - I've seen them, but can't reply to them because of the bug. Will get to them as soon as physically possible. Thanks so much!
