A/N: This chapter is told entirely from Hanako's point of view. There is a time skip, so pay attention to that. After the first section, it's Saturday morning.
It's cold. Dark. It's totally black, except for five tall objects, hidden in shadow. In my left hand is a bucket of gasoline. In my right is a cracked cigarette lighter, red, slightly beat up around the edges.
Five?
I make my way up to the first thing. The shadows fade away to reveal Akira, Lilly's older sister, staring at me, in her standard business suit.
"Hey, kid. How are you?" My left hand comes up, dumping the bucket of gasoline over her head.
No, no, no, STOP!
"Kid? What are you doing?" She asks. My right hand comes up, the lighter held loosely against her skin.
Move! RUN!
My thumb rests over the flint.
"Hanako, wai-"
Flick. Fwoosh!
"-iiiiAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I turn away from the burning body and head to the next object - no, person, it's always people, the same ones, with no control over my body. I desperately try to regain control but I can't, I can't stop, can't do anything…
Just a nightmare just a nightmare JUST A NIGHTMARE!
The next one is Lilly. She smiles sweetly at me.
"Would you like to play a game of chess?" She asks.
Stop STOP STOP STOP STOP!
Splash. Flick. Fwoosh!
Her screams fill the empty air to join Akira's. And my body doesn't stop, no matter how much I scream inside my head.
The third person is my mom.
Splash. Flick. Fwoosh!
The fourth person is my dad.
Splash. Flick. Fwoosh!
There used to be only four. But - but ever since that day -
The last person is Hisao.
He stares at me, giving an even little smile.
Splash.
"Hanako."
Flick. Flick.
But the lighter doesn't catch. Inside my head, my heart jumps into my throat. This - this hasn't happened before, maybe, just maybe -
He stares at me with that fake little smile that doesn't fit on his smile at all.
"I hate you."
…!
Flick. Fwoosh!
I wake up screaming into my pillow.
Days go by, and they're surprisingly normal. I can't help but feel that it's the calm before a hurricane. I manage to attend class every day, though I still abandon group projects.
In some ways, it seems that everything has returned to the status quo. I don't run into Rei again, I reconnect with Lilly and we continue our regular talks and tea with surprising fluidity…
But in others, things may never be the same. I still prepare a second lunch box every day. I still carefully brush up on my chess tactics.
But Hisao is not here. Presumably, he's still sick. I haven't built up the courage to find him myself, not after the disastrous events on Tuesday, but at the very least I want to apologize for being a failure of a friend. It's Friday now, with classes about to begin…and he's still not…
Hisao walks in.
…here…?
Oh, Hisao, what happened to you?
Our eyes meet and I quickly look away, not staring not staring, but his eyes, his eyes are…
One of the things I like about Hisao are his eyes. They emanate a certain kind of brightness; the spark of life, so to speak. I had always wondered how someone with such muted senses could feel like that. This light only grew while he was taking that medication.
But now it's gone. If anything remains there, I can't see it.
He walks over to me.
"Can I sit next to you?" He murmurs. There's a stab of pain in my chest at the fact that he has to ask. Like I'm just a fragile flower that'll break if he breathes on it too hard.
Though perhaps, given my actions regarding him, that is entirely deserved.
"O-Okay." I reply back shakily, hypersensitive of the fact that heads are beginning to turn and uncomfortable at my sudden revelation. He nods and sits down.
I exhale heavily. Now I just have to build up my courage.
The lunch bell rings. Hisao, already prepared for the bell, darts toward the door.
I intercept him.
Sorry, Hisao, but I'm better at this then you are.
"Hanako?" He asks quietly.
"C-Can we talk? P-Please?" I rush the words out.
"…Alright." He replies, after a pause, and he begins moving towards the tea room. He looks decidedly ambivalent about the idea, which in turn makes me uncomfortable. But I guess I expected this; he has every right to hate me after I abandoned him in his time of need…
If I can just…begin rebuilding the bridges I burned…
"Hanako?" I hear him call out from down the hallway, and I realize that I must have blanked out a little.
Maybe I shouldn't…
"S-Sorry." I catch back up to him, and we walk the rest of the path in silence.
On arrival, though, we run into Lilly.
Ah, I forgot about her!
"Ah, Hanako." A pause as she concentrates. "Who is with you? Would that be…?"
"Hello, Lilly." Hisao replies neutrally. "It's been some time."
She winces. "Hisao. I have neglected my duties to you as a friend, haven't I? I…"
"Don't apologize." He replies. "You did the right thing, I assume. Improved your chess game?"
What?
A small smile comes to her face. "I have. I won't make the same mistake twice."
I notice I am confused.
Why am I confused?
I am confused because I do not understand what is happening.
What is happening?
Lilly and Hisao are talking about something I don't understand - some kind of metaphor, maybe?
Obviously, but what does it mean? Chess game? Are they talking about that game they played back then?
Lilly lost that one. What does that have to do with now?
"Hanako. Hanako. Are you okay?" I return back to the real world and realize that there's only one person by me now.
"Ah. Welcome back. Lilly left." I wonder what he told her. Lilly will tell me later, though. I just hope I didn't miss anything else.
He opens the door for me and I step inside, whispering my thanks. He nods and shuts it behind me.
A drawn out sigh.
"So, Hanako. What did you want to talk to me about?" He asks.
I don't want him to leave.
My brain scrambles for a stalling tactic.
"Could, c-could we…t-talk about this over tea? I-I'll make some, if t-that's okay with you." I stammer. He looks a little surprised by my request, but not adverse to it.
"Alright." Perhaps he is also resigned to a difficult conversation. He sits down at the table and stares idly out through the window. I watch him as the tea boils.
Alone, bathed in the light with a wistful look on his face, he just looks…sad. I want to go over and comfort him, but…what would I say? Now, more than ever, I feel the distance between us, the distance that I created and maintained.
No wonder he seems so closed now.
For the first time, I wonder if I'm already too late to fix my mistake.
But I have to try. I must. I can't give up on my…friend…
A series of uncomfortable memories float through my mind. I don't know if I'm ready for this conversation. Have I rushed things? I really hope not.
Now that I've experienced the kind of compassion and friendship that someone who treats me as a true equal can bring…I find myself quite reluctant to return to that wanting state. Lilly is a dear friend of mine, but she's rather more overprotective of me than I can bear, sometimes.
She can not be my equal if she has taken the role of my mother. Or my older sister. We're friends and always will be, but I can't look at her in the eyes like I could Hisao.
To think that I could have turned away from Hisao, back when Rei had been telling me to quit. That was never a possibility, was it? No matter how much I want to deny it…
Somewhere, sometime…I've seriously fallen for Hisao. It's only been, what, three weeks, almost? But…there's just, something about it…something about the time I've spent with him, that makes it impossible to leave…
The warmth that I felt when I held his hand, as he began to feel again…the butterflies in my stomach as we sat down on that park bench. I…didn't think there would ever be a person who would make me feel that way, I thought that my defenses were raised…I didn't even think I could feel like this again…
But somewhere a boy with problems I could relate to entered my life and became my friend, and I fell hard. Someone that could support me. Someone I could support.
The thought of having thrown that all away hurts more than I can put into words.
The kettle shrieks; I stumble back, surprised. Thankfully I wasn't holding onto the tea set.
Hisao doesn't appear to notice.
I pour the tea into the cups and bring the set to the table, carefully putting it down with a soft crash. It's delicate china, donated by Lilly, and I don't want to break it.
"Hm? Ah. Thank you, Hanako." I just nod in response, trying to figure out what and how…
Without this break, I wouldn't have notice the slight wince and recoil as Hisao took a sip of his tea.
Did I prepare it wrong? Hastily, I raise my own cup to my lips.
It tastes fine…
I notice I am con-
A hypothesis slams into my consciousness with the force of a bullet train.
No. No. He wouldn't.
I notice I am confused.
Why am I confused?
Because I don't understand what is happening.
What is happening?
Hisao is - is…
Is he taking his medication again!? After what - happened…?
Why is this happening?
Because…
Another thought smashes into my brain.
What if - Hisao -
…doesn't value his life anymore?
But that doesn't make sense! When he was with Rei, he was…happy…
My mind flashes back to Rei, furiously wiping away tears on her arm, alone on the rooftop. I'm extrapolating, I know, there's no confirmation of any of this, only speculation, but what if they had a fight? Then…
No, I need to stop. This line of thought is too dangerous. I don't want to jump to a conclusion that I can't take back, act on incorrect information more than I already probably am…
"You seem distracted, Hanako." Hisao observes, taking another sip of his tea. He's using a very neutral and polite tone, much like Rei or Lilly.
I take a deep breath.
"Hisao, I'm sorry…" He glances at me.
"For being distracted?" Hisao shrugs. "I don't really mind."
Do you do that on purpose?
"N-No…I mean…" I swallow. "W-What I did at the hospital."
"Ah." He says, closing his eyes. It reminds me a lot of Rei. "Well. Then you're forgiven."
My shoulders slump. That probably could not have gone much worse. I don't know if there's anywhere I can take this conversation. I can't even tell if he really forgives me or not. There's clearly virtually no desire to be my friend again.
Give up.
…
No.
If I've already lost his friendship…then there's no reason I shouldn't say this.
"H-Hisao?" I ask, building up the courage to offer a last resort.
"Hm?" He asks, setting down his tea.
"Do you…value y-your own life?"
Hisao freezes.
"That's a very interesting question. Why do you ask?" He deflects.
I push forward. "W-Why didn't you answer?"
For what may be the first time today, he focuses all of his attention on me. There's a sudden pressure surrounding me - my heart begins to race.
I can't - panic - now - but everything's locking up -
Are you strong enough to stay?!
Rei's insistent words ring in my head. My heartbeat peaks, slows. I unclench my hands, having not even noticed that they were digging into my skin.
Are you?
I will be.
I am.
He stares into my eyes. "Do you really want to hear the answer to that question?"
Oh, Hisao, I already know what you're going to say.
It's quite the familiar thought, you see.
"Yes." I whisper.
He shrugs. "No."
I knew it and it still hurts.
"Why?" I ask.
His gaze turns thoughtful. "I admit that I haven't asked myself that question. Why indeed?" He stands up and turns towards the window, resting his face on it.
"The vast majority of the world can enjoy simple things like this, you know? Feel the gentle warmth of the sun on their skin. If I want to be able to do that, I have to first be willing to multiply my risk of sudden cardiac arrest by a factor of, like, a thousand. Ridiculous, isn't it?" He looks back, towards me.
Hisao, why…?
"I can't enjoy life like everyone else. Kind of stops being so interesting after that. And I guess somewhere in my head I feel a little bad for being like this because there are other people out there whose cures aren't even being worked on, but, well, to put it bluntly, that's not my problem. I feel for them, but I'm not exactly in a good spot to do anything about it."
Hisao sighs. "Complaining isn't going to solve any of my problems, but it makes me feel something, at least, so what the hell. May as well be honest, right?"
I…
"So, yeah. Basically, I don't value my life because it's not worth living. And that's the end of that story. So how about you, Hanako? What's your life story?"
I ignore his question. Don't let him change the subject. I'm not important right now. He is.
There's something…familiar…about how he's acting…
but this isn't it, because this, this isn't right.
"Hisao, are you on anti-depressants?" I ask. He smiles in a grim sort of way, sitting back down in his seat.
"Indeed. Now I really can't feel, see? It's a very symmetrical sort of thing. Or is it? I mean, I guess I can feel, so maybe not." He stops to think about this.
"Well, whatever. But it lets me think, you see? I don't have to spend all my time being sad anymore. Pretend like the hurt doesn't exist, spend all that time trying to fake being happy."
We're more alike than I ever thought, Hisao…you were just better at it than I ever was.
"D-Did you have to…pretend…around me?" I ask hesitantly.
He stares at me. "No. There were a few exceptions. The people I've been meeting, making friends with…they actually got me to lower my guard, make me care about them. You in particular, though."
"But then you left."
I flinch. Harsh words, but true, and expected.
But I've finally got him talking. If there's anything I can say that will change his mind…help him…then it'll have to be here.
Otherwise…
"And Rei…hm. I guess I need to resolve things with her eventually. Don't want to deal with that backlash, though, that's definitely another argument in the making."
"N-Need to?"
"Yup. I'm being sponsored, aren't I? Oh…that's right. I haven't told you this story, have I? Well, let's go back in time a little bit. You remember what happened after I beat that guy's head into the locker, right? The almost lawsuit? Settled out of court. The Miyuki family basically pulled me through that one, though at that point I had kind of stopped caring. Just did whatever their lawyer told me."
"But, uh, well, I don't know if you know this, but the Miyuki family works in pharmaceuticals. One of their largest fields is actually research and development for new medicines. What you might not know is that this only happened after their daughter was diagnosed with HSAN-6…the same disorder I happen to have."
Ah! That's - I thought she had something different, she never gave any indication that…but it makes so much sense!
"Rei would've been happy to undergo testing, but her body was too weak…and her father refused. Especially regarding the early testing…Trial 5 basically crippled me. I could feel, but that was agony; to this day we still don't know what caused it. Reapplication worsened the effects. Trial 11 caused a sudden severe suicidal episode and hospitalized me for months because of the damage I managed to do to myself. Most of the rest were just as bad, if not worse; Trial 9 actually took away my sight. Trial 13 paralyzed me from the waist down. I lost much of the memory I had from under the age of ten because of Trial 3."
But…Hisao, you're not the only one…
…not the only one suffering.
The words feel so empty, though. I don't think I could look him in the eye and say that.
"Trial 11 is basically what cemented Rei and I together, though. Paranoia, mood swings, crippling depression, delusion, Rei sat through it all, helping me get through day by day. She probably helped more than all of the doctors there combined. That's why I couldn't really get mad at her when I heard what she did to you. But I don't want to talk to her, because she knows me, and that's why what she did was so wrong - she knew how much it would hurt me and she still did it! That's why…I can't forgive her right away. Not yet."
This whole time, that little not-really-there smile has been plastered onto his face. It hurts.
"Perhaps this is something you can relate to, Hanako. Post-disorder, I can count the number of close friends I've had on one hand, the number of people I can trust with everything - Rei, Emi, and you. And…I'm losing those people, too. How about you, Hanako?"
"T-Two." Lilly…Hisao.
He nods. "So, yeah, you know a little about how I feel, don't you? Or perhaps more than I give you credit for? I've always seen a type of strength when I look at you, you know."
Strength? Me?
"You've had a lot dumped onto you in life. But you're not broken like me. Every day you just work on getting better and better. I've watched you become a little less closed, day after day. I'll give you an example; the Hanako I knew two weeks ago probably wouldn't have been so bold to trade her cooking for chess, especially because the former is still something you're developing."
"Hanako…can you tell me? What makes you so strong?"
That's…an answer I don't know if I can give…
"I…"
I've never thought of myself as strong…if you want strong, Hisao, I'm not the person to look up to. Those people…
Suddenly I understand what I need to say.
"I'm not the o-only one. If…I-If you think strength is just the ability to grow, then it's not…n-not just me."
"Hana-"
"E-Emi's a track star w-with no legs. Rin…can't even open a door by h-herself, but she's a p-painter with no arms. Shizune can't hear or t-talk, but she's the Student Council P-President. A-And…And I…I c-can barely even…look my own f-friends in the eye, and I-I want to…be a public s-speaker!"
Hisao's stare has definitely turned skeptical. That's okay. Even I barely convince myself that it's something I want to do.
"Because - i-if I can tell others about, m-my story, then m-maybe there will be someone out there who understands, and, and t-they won't feel as a-alone as I d-did. If…if my story can g-give other people strength…then I…I want to share it!"
He seems to be seriously considering the idea.
"That's…a very noble dream. But also terribly self-sacrificial. If it's something you want to do, though, I don't doubt that you'll be able to." He smiles, for real this time, I think.
A tear falls from my eyes, then another.
Isn't this what you've wanted? Acceptance? It…doesn't feel quite as fulfilling as I thought it would…
"I…T-Thank you. But that's…not w-what I'm trying to say. Hisao, y-you're not the only…" I clench my fists, building up that resolve again.
He can't even begin to move on if he doesn't come to terms with this - and I know he's not! He's running away from his problems, rather than facing them!
"You're not the only cripple h-here!" I spit the ugly word out.
His eyes widen.
"I'm not-" Whatever he's going to say cuts itself off in his throat. Instantly, his face becomes unreadable again.
That was a misstep.
I open my mouth to apologize. He notices.
"No, don't apologize." He shakes his head. "I just recalled that I need to see someone. This conversation is over. It was nice to see you again, Hanako. Perhaps we'll do this again sometime."
Every single word is utterly fake.
"His-"
I don't know - I don't know what to say - anything, something - he's still running away and I can't catch him, I'm not a track star -
I need help. If there's some kind of divine power out there…please…just this once…!
He turns away, stands up. Moves towards the door.
The door opens.
My mind races - Lilly would've known not to interrupt us, Hisao should've told her -
Rei walks in, grabbing Hisao by the arm.
"Hisao. Hanako. We need to talk, now." She says quietly.
And it's official. There is some sort of higher entity, and it hates me.
Hisao flinches. "No, we don't."
Rei affixes him with a piercing look. It's much like the one she gave me when she told me to give up. Cold blue.
"If the last three years or so have meant anything to you, you'll sit down and let me talk. Please, Hisao." Her eyes turn pleading.
Hisao stands there for a long while, staring at her intently. It's almost like they're having some sort of conversation through eye contact alone.
Whatever it is they 'talk' about, it seems that Rei wins. He walks over to the nearby seat and takes his spot again.
"Thank you." She murmurs.
"Hisao, there was another thing I didn't tell you…though that wasn't…" Her words are clumsy.
"Consider telling the truth. You're an awful liar." He says tiredly. She shakes her head vehemently.
"I'm not. It's…it's just hard to say something, knowing that it will probably permanently damage your relationship with someone you care about. But it has to be done."
She takes a step closer to Hisao; he frowns.
"What, then?"
"There was a message I received from Emi, who in turn received it from Hanako herself, all the way back in the hospital."
I gasp in recognition.
"It was my fault that it took you so long to get it. It may be utterly meaningless to you now, but I'd ask for you to receive it anyways."
"Fine." He says, deliberately standoffish.
"Six words. 'Tell Hisao to wait for me.'" Rei whispers.
He closes his eyes. My nails dig into my knees; I realize that my hands are shaking all of a sudden. He takes a deep breath; I can see his entire body tensed, like a spring ready to release.
"I see." Exhale. "Thank you, Rei. We will be having a conversation about this later. Acceptable?"
Rei nods before turning around - I realize with an uncomfortable sort of feeling that he's just dismissed her.
Respect is a two-way street, after all.
The girl leaves, shutting the door behind her, and then it's just me and Hisao.
He stares at me, unreadable. I try not to cringe away from his gaze, attempting to ignore the boiling feeling in my stomach.
"I'm…not a cripple." He whispers suddenly, and the mask collapses again; in his eyes I can see real hurt now.
You've made him care.
Now…
I smile sadly. "W-Why else would we be…h-here?"
There's a long silence.
"It's…quite difficult to accept that. But…I can't deny it at all, can I? There's no escaping reality. Well, I'll worry about that later. There's something more important to address."
Something more important…?
"I'm sorry, Hanako." He sighs. "I've done you more wrong than you'll ever know. And perhaps this wasn't all my fault, but I certainly deserve some of the blame for it."
What?
Surely my face reflects my thoughts. "I d-don't quite understand…"
"There…was a perspective I hadn't considered. I…I didn't really comprehend the situation. I've been trying this 'empathy' thing out to resolve these kinds of mistakes before they happen, but it seems that there was a very large weakness."
He stands up. "I'm…only human. And with that comes error. When I tried to figure out why you left…I admittedly couldn't come to any kind of conclusion that didn't revolve around a problem with me. But there wasn't really a problem at all, I realize now. Just a miscommunication. I didn't understand you, it seems, but it's pretty obvious in hindsight."
"You…weren't abandoning me at all, were you?" He whispers. "'Wait for me.' How could I be so stupid?"
"W-We both made mistakes." I say. He inclines his head.
"Indeed. But here we have a chance to fix those."
…!
He doesn't mean -
He walks over to me. "Hanako, I won't be taking this medication anymore. Not the dangerous ones. I can't stop taking them entirely; there's a debt I must pay off; but I will be very careful about it, and I should hopefully live a long and relatively safe life."
Did…did I…no, we…
We did it…
"That means, however, that it'll probably be some time before I get to feel again, if ever. So…Hanako, will you allow me to hug you right now?"
WE DID I- wait, what?
"Y-Yes." I blurt out, before I even have the time to think about his question properly, and he smiles.
Waitwaitwait my scarring! And…!
He leans forward a little and gently hugs me around the shoulders, resting his head on my shoulder.
This…
…feels really nice…
I expected to panic a little at the thought of actually getting hugged, and I did a little, I guess, but all of that was wiped away when he embraced me.
I…
Somewhere, someone's lost their butterflies. I'd like to give them back, but…they seem pretty attached to me.
So maybe everything hasn't quite been fixed yet. The underlying problems are more or less still there…
…But today, today I've fixed a major mistake, and…
Maybe, there's some kind of deity out there smiling upon me after all.
We've stopped sliding back, and made some large strides forward. And, this time we're doing it together.
Wait - not yet -
I wrap my arms around him and pull him a little bit closer, exalting in the warmth inside and out.
There we go.
Proprioception - Act 2 Complete.
A/N: Whew. According to FFNet, this chapter exceeds 5,000 words. This is also probably the longest conversation I've ever written.
Also, I'm really pleased with the way I set a certain metaphor up, and some of the foreshadowing in this story.
The next chapter will be posted next week Saturday, most likely. I'm finishing up the first quarter this week - there's, like, six or seven major tests to worry about right now. I hope you've enjoyed the story as is - reviews would be much appreciated. There's still a lot of plot threads floating around, including the reason that the seat next to Hanako was empty in the first place (In canon, there was ONLY one seat open - next to Shizune and Misha - in Tactility, Hanako's seat opens up. I invite guesses as to how and why) and Rei's interest in attending Yamaku Academy...though she wouldn't be able to attend (and I have no interest in a sequel exploring this. My explorations into Katawa Shoujo will end with this story, if I finish it).
Hope you've enjoyed everything so far. Thank you!
