Chapter 5

As grey pre-dawn light filled the sky, Misato was shaken out of her slumber. She instinctively grabbed at the person hovering above her, before her mind finally woke up as a familiar voice hissing in pain reminded her who the person was. She let go of Asuka's arm and sat up with a loud yawn as she tried to work out why the girl had such an odd expression on her face.

"Asuka, what's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost," Misato sleepily said. She watched as the girl backed up and started fidgeting, apparently ignoring the ache in her arm.

"W-well I guess you could say that..." Asuka eventually stammered out. The redhead was unable to sit still, now pacing up and down a nearby aisle. Misato could tell there was something big on her mind.

"So why did you wake me up? It's not even morning yet. I need my beauty sleep!"

Asuka stopped and rubbed the back of her head. "Sorry Misato, but I... I had to tell you this before I forgot."

"Forgot what? Was it a nightmare?" Misato asked concernedly. The major knew that Asuka sometimes had trouble sleeping, but she very rarely brought it up, as Asuka would always get evasive and angry.

"No, nothing like that," Asuka replied. "I'm pretty sure it wasn't a dream at all. More like a... memory."

"Must have been a pretty important memory for you to wake me up at whatever time you call this."

"Oh please, I had to get up nearly this early for training back in Berlin." Asuka took a deep breath and turned to face Misato. "Remember how last night we spoke about you and Kaji, and then how I couldn't remember much from my 'perfect world'?" Misato nodded. "Well I'm positive that it all just came back to me..."


Asuka awoke, and stared around at the orange fog surrounding her. The horrific injuries from moments before were suddenly gone, as was her plugsuit. In its place was the yellow sundress she adored. Ahead, an indistinct figure loomed, arms outstretched towards her. An oddly familiar voice reached her ears, sounding as if she were underwater.

"My darling..." The voice finally became more distinct.

"Mama..." Asuka's eyes widened in disbelief. There was no mistaking the German words she had just heard, or the voice that had just spoken.

"Asuka, my treasure..."

Asuka scrambled to her feet and charged through the orange haze surrounding her, colliding with the figure and tightly wrapping her arms around its waist. The woman held up strong against the impact and embraced the sobbing girl. They both sat there for what felt like an eternity, before Asuka finally sniffled and looked up into the same sapphire eyes she had inherited.

"Mama, is it really you...?"

"Yes dear, it's me."

The tears almost started flowing again, but Asuka got herself under control once more. She relaxed her grip slightly on her mother, and looked around at the orange mist surrounding them. There were blurry shapes in the fog, and all Asuka could make out were vague silhouettes of people moving past the two females.

"Where are we?" she finally asked. As her eyes slowly adjusted to the strange world, Asuka could see that they were both standing in a ghostly plaza. The orange murkiness was too thick to recognise the area. Shadows would appear out of the fog and change their path to avoid the two redheads, but otherwise paid no attention to the mother and daughter.

"Instrumentality. Complementation. The end result of Third Impact. It is somewhere that you do not belong," Kyoko replied.

"What kind of answer is that?" Asuka's head swivelled back to focus on Kyoko. "I'm here with you, Mama. This is where I belong!"

"And I would love nothing more than to spend every moment with you," the woman replied as she idly smoothed out some of Asuka's hair. "But this place is a lie. You do not deserve a false existence."

"What?! No! I don't care if it's not real, I don't want to lose you again, Mama!"

A pair of delicate hands cupped Asuka's face for the first time in over a decade, and her mother's thumbs gently wiped away the brimming tears. "Asuka, you never lost me. I have always been with you."

Asuka angrily pushed away from her mother and stepped back. "But... where were you when my mind was being destroyed by the Angel? Where were you when I was sitting in a bathtub waiting to die?!"

Kyoko put up her hands in a placating gesture. "I was there, Asuka, I've always been there. But you were so tightly closed off that I couldn't reach you. I'm... so sorry I couldn't protect you. Only at the very end was I able to finally break through the walls around your heart." She tiredly rubbed her face with both hands. "But now is not a time to be stuck in the past. Neither of us can change what has already happened. All we can do now is work towards the future."

She softly grasped Asuka's hand, and guided her through the fog to a set of benches. The shadows already there ignored them as they sat down in an empty spot. They appeared to be talking animatedly, but no sound came forth from their featureless faces.

"Asuka, if you stay here with me, you will have no future." Kyoko indicated the shadows around them. "Every single human on Earth is in here with us. You must go, or you will eventually lose yourself and become nothing more than an insignificant speck within this sea of souls."

Asuka latched onto her mother's arm. "I don't want to leave you! You're the only one who cares about me, Mama."

"Oh, Asuka, you know that's not true, my dear. There are other people who hold you in their heart."

A disbelieving look painted itself on Asuka's face. "Really? Who could possibly care about me like you do?"

A silhouette moving past them suddenly changed direction and walked up to them, solidifying as it approached. Indistinct grey flesh turned pink and healthy as its clothes gained their own colour. The purple-haired woman grinned cheekily at Asuka before lifting a beer can in salute.

"Misato?" The redhead snorted dismissively. "She was just my guardian. The only reason she paid attention to me was because I was a pilot."

The scientist frowned and crossed her arms. "Asuka, you know that's not true either. The reason she seemed distant was because her job was so demanding. What about back at NERV Berlin? Don't you remember the time you two spent together back then?"

Asuka did remember. Misato had been her temporary guardian before Kaji had come along. "Yeah, we got along like a house on fire," she muttered with a sigh.

Kyoko laughed quietly. "Yes," she replied. "Chaos. People screaming and running everywhere. You two caused so much mischief I'm amazed they let Misato stay with you that long."

"Hey, that guy's coat was on fire when I got there!" Asuka was trying to stay angry, but the wonderful memories of her time with Misato in Germany simply wouldn't let her. There had been too much fun with Misato as her guardian in Berlin. When she wasn't training, the two of them would relax on a couch and stuff themselves with snacks while watching awful television shows, or go out on shopping trips and try on clothes they had no intention of buying.

She threw up her hands in capitulation. "Alright alright, I'll admit that someone cared about me as a person."

"She isn't the only one either, Asuka."

As they spoke, the purple-haired woman backed into the fog with a wave, and was lost within seconds amongst the crowd. A tall figure stepped towards them and gave the pair a sloppy smirk.

"Oh, Kaji!" Asuka said as her eyes lit up.

Kyoko's gentle smile turned into a frown at the sight of the NERV agent and Asuka's own expression slowly changed as she realised that her mother somehow knew everything she had done to try and get the man's attention.

But how did she know? Was her mother sharing her memories? It certainly seemed that way as Asuka tried in vain to not think about what had happened on the Over the Rainbow between her and Kaji. But it was too late to stop that memory as it flashed in front of her eyes for a second.

"Well, the less said about that, the better I think," Kyoko remarked with a harrumph, confirming Asuka's suspicion. "Anyway, while it's true that he cares for you, I wasn't talking about him."

Another silhouette stepped forward to take the agent's place. This one had brown hair held in pigtails, and wore a familiar school uniform and a hopeful expression.

"Alright, this one's obvious. Hikari and I were friends I suppose. I just believed she liked me purely because I'm a pilot. You know, hitching her wagon to mine." Asuka's face softened and she sighed. "But... no, that's really not Hikari at all. She liked just about everyone in the class, even those two stooges."

The girl smiled and waved at Asuka, before turning and running back towards two shadows. The taller one waved lazily at Asuka while the second one appeared to be adjusting its glasses. The three of them vanished into the fog, and Asuka watched them leave with a sad smile on her face.

Another stepped forward. Unlike the other images, this figure was still hazy and indistinct even at close range. It took much longer to solidify to a point where the two women could discern any details. All that Asuka could make out was a familiar haircut and dark blue eyes that somehow pierced through the fog, but that was enough to identify this person. Despite the rest of his body still being shrouded, Asuka recognised the kicked-puppy look. Even here, the boy seemed unable to maintain eye contact with her.

"Are you kidding me? Him?!" Asuka exclaimed. "Shinji?! He doesn't care about me at all! I tried everything to get him to even look at me and nothing worked!"

Kyoko turned to her and said, "Did you ever stop to think about why he appeared to ignore you?"

"Well gee, maybe because he hates me?" Asuka replied, as if the answer was plain to see. "Because he's a goddamn coward?"

"Watch your language, young lady." Kyoko reprimanded.

"Sorry, Mama..." Asuka hung her head, ashamed.

"It wasn't because he hated you. Nor was he ignoring you. In fact, that poor boy's story is so similar to what happened to you and I that it shocks me..." Kyoko paused.

Asuka looked up at her. "What do you mean? How is the idiot similar to me?"

There was a long pause. "...Shinji's mother," Kyoko eventually said. "Yui Ikari. She died in the same experiment I ran."

"Huh? What experiment?"

"Ah, I suppose you were too young to fully remember." Kyoko spoke at length, explaining the Contact Experiments and how she had attempted to succeed where Yui Ikari had seemingly failed. Only now did she come to understand that Yui's attempt was a complete success, and her own effort technically a partial success. Asuka could see the look of disgust on her mother's face as Kyoko looked back at what two separate individuals had done to their own children in the name of science and saving humanity.

Kyoko shook her head and looked back at Asuka, who remained staring at nothing while the older woman said, "Asuka, I am so sorry for what I did to you. It wasn't my intention to be trapped inside Unit-02. At the time, all I wanted to do was prove I could accomplish something that someone else failed at, but that's a horrible excuse for leaving you like I did. Can you ever forgive me?"

The young girl glanced sidelong at Kyoko for a moment, before scooting closer and enveloping her in a hug. "I never hated you for leaving me, Mama," she mumbled with her face buried in her mother's shoulder. "And I understand now, you never truly left. You were always watching over me while I was in Unit-02."

Kyoko smiled softly and returned the embrace. They both sat there for a while, in a cocoon of warmth and love. "So you see, you and Shinji are more alike than you think," she said, bringing the conversation back to the Third Child.

Asuka initially scoffed at the idea, but thought carefully about her own past as well as what she had just been told. Despite her initial belief that Shinji's position as an Eva pilot had come about due to blatant nepotism, she had noticed the elder Ikari's lack of concern and even attention towards his own son. The negligence, and how hard Shinji seemed to try to get his father's approval, had often made Asuka remember how quickly her own father had turned his attention away from his daughter; the man instead devoting his time towards the female doctor that had been looking after his wife.

"I... guess you're right, Mama." Asuka let go of her mother and leaned back on the bench, looking up at the murky orange sky. "The only time I really saw Papa after you died was on my birthday or at Christmas, if he even bothered to remember. He'd show up with that... that bitch on his arm, shove a meagre gift into my hands and leave."

"I know, Asuka," Kyoko's voice turned icy as she shared Asuka's memories. Although the woman was understandably upset at how quickly her husband had found somebody else, while she was still alive, she was clearly livid that he had completely neglected his own daughter as well. "But please don't hate that other woman too much. Your father was nothing but a womanising bastard, and she fell for his charms just as badly as I did."

"Well... I guess she's alright," Asuka hesitantly conceded, then brightened slightly. Katharina Langley had at least made the effort to be civil towards her stepdaughter, and had even called her the previous year simply to catch up.

If she was perfectly honest with herself, Asuka had only pretended to dislike her stepmother out of loyalty to her real mother.

"Still, if I ever find that asshole in here I'm going to give him such a thrashing," her mother growled under her breath.

"Language, Mama."

"Watch your tone with me, young lady," Kyoko scowled, but there was no heat behind it. "This may be an imaginary place but I can still tan your hide." The two redheads stared at each other, before they both started giggling. Eventually Asuka sobered up and gazed intently into the face of the shadow before them as if searching for something.

"Well, now I understand why even a kiss didn't seem to do much to him," she sighed as she turned back to her mother. Kyoko, to the girl's mild surprise, didn't seem fazed by that event as it passed before their mental eyes.

"In a better world, Asuka, that might have worked," Kyoko remarked as the memory ended. Her eyes remained unfocused as she continued. "It could very well have been the point at which the two of you could start to heal together. All that was needed was a little... something else. Perhaps a kind word at an earlier point in time, or even something as simple as one of you holding the other that night."

Kyoko's gaze shifted back to her daughter. "Well, as I said before, we can't change the past. I'm not even sure the power behind Third Impact could accomplish such a feat."

Asuka gave a humourless laugh. "If Third Impact could do that, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be sitting in this strange place chatting to each other about time travel in the first place."

Shinji's image had long since faded away into the background, but Asuka remained staring at where it had been standing, as if willing it to come back. Something about the boy they had just seen finally clicked in Asuka's mind.

"Why did he look so... hazy?" she asked curiously. "All the others looked real, but Shinji was still just a shadow."

Once again, Kyoko did not speak for a while. "Shinji Ikari has already left this place," she finally answered. "Or perhaps he was never in here. It's difficult for me to tell."

"Huh, what's so special about him? Did he have a V.I.P. pass or something?"

Her mother thought for a moment. "...Shinji was a special case, I guess you could say."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. If it weren't for the fact that only the two of them were truly present, she would swear that one of the silhouettes seemed to be whispering answers into her mother's ear. She motioned for Kyoko to continue.

"Shinji's reason for not being here with the rest of humanity isn't exactly... pleasant." Kyoko slowly said as she hugged herself. Asuka's only response was to stare back at her mother and cross her arms. "Alright, I suppose you deserve to know. Shinji... Shinji was the one who initiated Third Impact..."


"WHAT?!"

The shriek almost deafened Asuka. "Yeah Misato, that was pretty much my reaction too." She removed her hands from her ears and sighed. "It's true, believe it or not. Stupid Shinji was the one who destroyed the world and killed everybody."

Misato's face seemed to be frozen in a look of pure shock and disbelief. She did not want to believe what the girl had just told her. It took a minute, but she eventually managed to force out a response. "The last time I saw Shinji, he... he was almost dead on his feet. I was literally dragging him through NERV. Are you sure we're talking about the same person? How could my Shinji possibly commit genocide?!"

Asuka raised an eyebrow slightly as Misato said 'my Shinji', but elected not to comment on it. "My mother said his mental state was exactly what caused Third Impact to happen. She mentioned a lot of stuff about the Mass Production Evangelions, SEELE, Wondergirl, and the Angel in Terminal Dogma. They were all tied together in some bizarre ritual that... brought Lilith back to life or something." Asuka's voice turned sarcastic. "And in her infinite wisdom, she handed the big red button for Third Impact to a person who was one step away from most likely blowing his own brains out."

"Wow... I- I knew he took the death of that Kaworu boy really hard," Misato stammered. "But surely that wouldn't make him want to... kill everyone..."

"You're right, that alone wasn't enough," The redhead twirled a strand of hair around her finger as she continued. "While my mother was rather... vague on some of the details, she said that this had been slowly building up inside Shinji for a long time. Possibly his entire life."

As Asuka continued relaying the information her mother had given her, things started clicking together in Misato's head. Shinji had always seemed like a quiet and shy young man. She had noticed the boy withdrawing further into his shell as the Angel War progressed, but she had mistakenly believed that it was simply his personality, combined with the horrors of battle against monstrous beings.

To know that her surrogate son had been slowly getting crushed by so many traumatic events over the last year, without ever asking for help... it sent a shiver down the woman's spine. Being forced to kill a friend might not have been enough on its own to send Shinji into a suicidal depression, but combined with everything else in his life? No wonder he hadn't cared about the soldier pointing a gun at him. Misato shook her head and focused back on what Asuka was saying.

"...knew more than she was telling me."

"Huh? What was that last part?"

"I said, I'm positive my mother knew more than she was telling me," Asuka repeated. "Mama had all this information on what had happened, despite being trapped in Unit-02 for ten years. I asked her how she knew so much, but she got evasive and said that the knowledge was just there in her brain somehow."

"Hmm, maybe she managed to put things together as you two were discussing them," Misato pondered. "She was a scientist, one smart enough to work on the Evangelions."

"No. I mean that it feels like Mama was withholding details from me."

"Oh... Well..." Misato trailed off for a moment. "Sorry, I don't know what to say, since I wasn't there. Anyway, did Kyoko say what happened between Kaworu's death and the JSSDF attack? I remember seeing Shinji right after he killed Kaworu. He was incredibly dispirited, no surprise, but he was still mentally... there. When I found him during the attack, it was like he barely noticed what was happening around him."

Asuka shook her head. "That was one of the things she claimed not to know. Mama got really shifty when I asked, and the subject quickly moved back to how I needed to return to reality."

The two of them began to eat breakfast as the sun shone through the window, and Asuka continued her story.


"Look, Asuka. I know you have many questions," Kyoko said. "But I simply don't have all the answers. Even if I did, there's no time to give them all to you. You must leave before you lose yourself!"

"But... can't you at least come with me, Mama?" Asuka pleaded as she tightly hugged the woman's arm. "I don't want to lose you again!"

Kyoko gently broke Asuka's grip on her body, cupping the girl's hands in her own and staring into her eyes. "I don't even know if I would have a real body anymore. Unit-02 has housed my soul for ten years. It doesn't matter if I can't leave this place, because I will always be with you Asuka."

Asuka sniffled. "Promise, Mama? Will you always be with me?"

"Of course I will. You are Asuka Langley-Soryu. My daughter. Not even Third Impact can change that. And there's something else that will never change." She bent down and gently kissed Asuka on her forehead. "I am so proud of you, Asuka, and I will always love you."

The two of them slowly got back to their feet. Asuka wiped her eyes clear before staring into her mother's eyes. A single nod from Kyoko was returned, and Asuka spun on her heel and sprinted into the fog.

As she ran, she started to feel the pain of her mutilation return to her body. Looking down, Asuka noticed she was back in her plugsuit, with bandages around her right arm. Her left eye's vision dimmed and went black as the agony made itself known. Asuka ignored everything and continued running, even as her feet left the ground and the air thickened around her. The last thing she remembered before the pain shut her body down was the smell of blood.


Kyoko watched her daughter run off, and prayed silently for her safety. After several minutes, she spoke to the air. "So... how did I do?"

A young figure stepped out of the shadowy crowd behind her. Red eyes bored into the woman's back for several seconds before the person finally answered.

"Asuka Langley-Soryu has left. She is now beyond my sight. You have successfully done as I requested."

"But will it work? Will she be able to help Shinji?" Kyoko slumped back onto the bench.

"I cannot answer that, Kyoko Zeppelin-Soryu," the girl answered in a monotone voice. She walked around the bench and sat down next to Kyoko, staring at where Asuka had disappeared. "My connection with Shinji Ikari grows weaker as time passes. All I can clearly discern is that his mental state is degrading while he remains alone. He is becoming consumed by his guilt, his despair and grief."

The girl looked down at her hands in her lap. "Humanity is not quite ready to return on their own, and so I was forced to make someone leave that can help him. Asuka Langley-Soryu was the most logical choice, given their history. That is why I insisted that your daughter leave as soon as possible, while I am still able to observe and attempt to lend aid from inside Instrumentality. All we can do now is wait and hope that your daughter can save Shinji Ikari from himself."

"Ayanami-" Kyoko started to respond, before the girl interrupted her.

"My name is Lilith," she said, a little anger breaking through the monotone. "Though I share her physical appearance, I am no longer Rei Ayanami."

"Lilith, then," Kyoko sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I... God, I'm starting to wish you hadn't dropped all that knowledge in my head. I don't know if I can simply forgive the boy for... for that, regardless of what he's been through. Why did you make me withhold information from my own daughter? She needed to know everything that happened to Shinji if she's going to help him, even the bad stuff."

Lilith nodded solemnly. "Yes, and she will find the answers, but she must hear them from Shinji Ikari. Telling her now would only damage whatever fragile link still remains between the two."

Kyoko scoffed. "What, you think Shinji confessing that he used Asuka as wanking material will somehow help them?"

The mother of humanity either didn't notice the colourful language, or didn't care. "Your daughter knows that Shinji Ikari is in pain and needs help. They will talk, and reconcile some of their differences, but the guilt over that action will prevent him from confessing immediately. It is not an act that he will be able to live with unless he attempts to make amends. In the meantime, perhaps their relationship will heal to the point that when he does confess, Asuka can forgive him. Only time will tell."

"I hope you know what you're doing. Like I said to Asuka, not even Third Impact can turn back time..." Kyoko frowned and raised an eyebrow at Lilith. "...can it? Could we have prevented all this from happening?"

Lilith shook her head. "Even if it were possible, there was simply too much that would have to change in order to prevent events from unfolding as they have. Lives would have to be improved. SEELE would need to be stopped, as well as Gendo Ikari. Sending someone back would create ripples in time. Those ripples could very well lead to a worse outcome, such as all three Children dying and SEELE gaining full control of Instrumentality."

"I see..."

The scientist and the mother of humanity were quiet for a long time. Taking the silence as a cue that their conversation was ended, Lilith got to her feet and began to walk into the crowd.

"Wait!" Kyoko yelled at the girl's back. Lilith stopped and looked over her shoulder, but did not speak. "Will... will it be possible for me to leave this place eventually too? Will I ever see my daughter again?"

The silence stretched out as they regarded each other. Lilith eventually said a single word, before turning and disappearing into the fog. Kyoko stared into nothingness until her eyes began to water, and the scene around her started to fade out of existence. Sighing, she stood up and slowly vanished into the crowd.