After a while, Elliot pushed himself up and off of her. Olivia closed her legs and pulled them up on the bed. She rolled on her side to look at her partner. He was lying on his back, his face covered with his hands.

"Are you alright?" she asked him softly.

Elliot let out a shaky sigh.

"No."

Olivia propped herself up on one elbow and pulled one of his hands away from his face to make him look at her. She saw tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked him softly.

Elliot reached up and touched her cheek with the back of his fingers.

"Liv, I ... I feel like I ... raped you."

...

He could barely look at her. He felt so ashamed. He felt like part of him had just died. He knew she had initiated it, but he'd been serious when he said she couldn't take it. He had been out of control and he was ashamed of himself. He had hurt her. She hadn't complained but he knew. He had never been so rough with a woman before. Ever. His rage had gotten the better of him and he felt no better than his father right now, or even Gordon Rickett. Was this what it felt like to lose control and just give in to one's basest urge, no matter who got hurt in the process? And if so, why did it have to be with Olivia? Why his partner, who had become so, so much more than a partner to him?

The look in her eyes was soft and understanding, and he didn't get it. He didn't deserve it. He'd behaved like an animal and she shouldn't understand that. She should condemn it, like he was condemning himself. But her words were calm and strong when she finally spoke.

"That's insane Elliot. Don't even think that. I told you to do it. I wanted this as much as you needed it. I consented."

He had to admit that the ball of fire that had been burning inside him, wasn't as dominant as it had been before, and his mind was clearer. But he'd unleashed his rage in a way he never thought he would. And he didn't know how to make it right.

"Maybe so, but what I did was ... I was ... an animal."

He wanted to cry and he wanted to scream, but he felt so heavy. His body was spent and was finally calming down, maybe for the first time in weeks. Olivia put her hand on his chest. Her hand was soft, like the rest of her body. She was strong, one of the strongest cops he knew, but underneath all that armor she'd built around her, she was all woman. He'd noticed. He hadn't been that blinded by his rage not to see how beautiful she was. But he'd counted on her strength, like he always did, when he heeded her command to 'fuck her'. He had wanted to fuck her but he knew he had hurt her. And that was not what he'd wanted.

"You're not an animal Elliot, and you didn't hurt me," Olivia said, rubbing his chest gently.

Had she read his mind?

"I did," he maintained.

He pushed himself up until he was sitting up, and asked Olivia to lay back down and turn over on her stomach. She complied and he sat on his knees to look at her back. Her shoulder blades were bruised and he put a hand on one of them and then the other.

"You have bruises."

He leaned over and kissed her shoulder blades gently. He couldn't undo what he'd done but he couldn't leave things like this either. Next, he looked at the backs of her thighs, just above the knees. Hand prints were there, fading now but still visible. He caressed her legs and let his tears flow freely. He couldn't even think about how rough he'd been when he entered her and the possible damage that had done. Words came to mind that he'd only heard in rape kit results and he felt sick about it.

Then he undid her bra carefully and asked her to sit up. He could see uncertainty in her eyes when she sat up and turned to face him, and he slowly removed the very last garment from her body. He looked at her left breast.

"Bite marks," he whispered and he choked back a sob.

Olivia sat up on her knees as well and moved close to him, her knees between his, until she could cup his cheeks with her hands.

"Nothing happened that I didn't want to happen," she said, speaking slowly and clearly, as if she was talking to a victim that needed reassurance that they didn't do anything wrong. "And I know for a fact, that you would have stopped if I'd told you to stop."

"I'm not so sure," he sighed, closing his eyes.

"I am," Olivia insisted. "You could never hurt me. Like you said, you've never raised a hand against a woman or a child. You don't have it in you."

He opened his eyes and blinked away his tears.

"Then what did I just do?" he whispered.

He was desperate for her answer. For her words of wisdom and understanding. they were physically naked, which they had never been before together, but it wasn't about his physical state right now. He was baring his soul to her and he needed her absolution. He needed her to make sense of what he had done, because he sure as hell couldn't make sense of it himself. He felt like he'd violated his best friend.

Yet she was still here, and she was trying to convince him that he hadn't done anything he shouldn't have. But what could she possibly say to him that would make this alright? That would make it okay to just use her like an object for his own release?

Her hands were still on his cheeks and her thumbs were caressing him. There was no judgment in her eyes. No pain, except maybe for him. No anger and no reproach. Just ... love?

"You used me to release some of what you've kept bottled up for years ..."

"I used you," he interrupted her, the words hurting him physically, but Olivia wasn't done.

"Ssshh," she whispered, putting a finger over his lips.

He was at her mercy. He had nothing left. No dignity. No pride. And he felt like he had nothing left to offer her. But he needed her, more than he'd ever needed anyone.

"Now listen to me, okay El?"

He nodded. He was at her mercy.

"You used me because I told you to. I wanted you to because I knew you needed it."

Elliot took a breath to say something but her finger was on his lips again and she shook her head, a small smile on her lips. How could she still smile at him after what he'd done?

"I knew, Elliot, that it was either this, or you were going to do something so destructive that you'd never recover from it."

He wasn't so sure if he would recover from what had happened now. If they would recover from it.

"Besides. It wasn't all just for you, you know."

He looked into her big brown eyes and saw nothing but honestly in them. She was baring herself to him as well.

"This thing between us has been simmering for too long. It was only adding to our frustrations."

Our frustrations. Our? She was including herself in this now?

"Tell me honestly El, and think about it before you answer me. Could you have done this with anyone else? Would you have let go like this if I'd been some stranger you'd just picked up in a bar? Or someone you'd been dating for a while? Or even if I'd been Kathy?"

Elliot closed his eyes and put his hands over hers on his cheeks. He held them and turned his head to kiss the insides of her hands. She was saving him. She was breathing life back into him because he knew what she was asking and why. And he knew the answer to her question.

"No."

He opened his eyes when he felt her move, and saw her face closer to his than before. She moved her hands from his cheeks to his neck and wrapped her fingers around his neck, and he dropped his hands to her thighs.

"Why not?" Olivia asked.

He couldn't find the words but he felt one corner of his mouth tug up, just a little bit.

"Right," Olivia whispered, reading the answer on his face. "So the only reason you let go was, because you knew you could."

He nodded, feeling the tension and the guilt starting to roll off his shoulders.

"You weren't out of control," Olivia stated.

He frowned, trying to digest what was happening to him and what was happening between them. It had sure felt like he was out of control.

"The only reason you let go was because you knew you were safe with me. That you could be yourself with me, no matter how ugly it might get."

He knew it was true. She was his safety net. Always had been.

"But I didn't think about that at all Liv," he said honestly. "Not at all."

She smiled and he was beginning to feel alive again.

"It's not something you need to be aware of all the time. It's just ... us."

Us.

He caressed her thighs, and finally became truly aware of her naked state. She was beautiful. His eyes dropped to her chest and then down to her toned abdomen and the juncture between her legs. He watched his own hands caress her thighs and then move to her hips. He heard Olivia's breath hitch and his eyes flicked back up to hers.

"Are you alright now?" Olivia asked him, and he could tell that she was still concerned about his state of mind, but also that his touch was affecting her.

"I ... I'm not sure," he replied honestly. "I know you're right. I would never have let go with anyone else. But you deserve better Liv. I'm so sorry."

Her hands moved down from his neck to his shoulders, and then slowly all the way down his arms until they covered his hands on her hips.

"I don't want better," she said, staring at his chest and swallowing hard before continuing. "I just want you."

Her vulnerability moved him but he was still hesitant. When she looked up to meet his eyes, he knew he needed to man up. But how?

"Liv. How do I make this right?" he asked her.

"You don't have to," she said, not averting her eyes. "It wasn't wrong."

"But I wasn't myself," he protested.

"You were," she countered. "That's the whole point. You were yourself and you can be yourself. With me."

She took hold of his hands, that were still resting on her hips, and began moving them up. He watched their hands, frozen, until she moved them over her breasts. His bite mark was taunting him and he swallowed hard again. Her trust in him had not diminished. She still wanted him. And he wanted her. God, he wanted her, but not like he'd taken her earlier. She was worth so much more to him. The trust between them was what had made it safe to let go of his controls, but he never wanted to hurt her. Never again.

His hands were on her soft, full breasts but he was afraid to move them.

"Don't be afraid," Olivia said softly.

Her voice was trembling and he couldn't help wondering if she was afraid.

"I'm not afraid of you," she added.

Was she reading his mind again?

"I'll never be afraid of you."

She sat up on her knees and he automatically did the same, quickly moving his hands to her back while her arms wrapped around his shoulders. Their upper bodies were pressed against each other and their faces were close. He desperately wanted to kiss her but not like he'd done earlier. He didn't want to crush her and he didn't want to fuck her. He wanted to love her.

"Liv, I ..." he whispered but words failed him again.

Olivia smiled and he couldn't help staring at her full lips, that were still slightly bruised from his earlier onslaught on her body. His heart was pounding against his rib cage and he was sure she could feel it. He'd been in a haze earlier but he was completely clearheaded now and very much aware of what was happening between them. He couldn't believe how their very first time had gotten away from him like that, but he was going to make it up to her, right now, if she'd let him.

She was trembling. She was feeling it too. It was as if they were starting over. She looked up at him and he tilted his head, moving his lips close to hers. Her breath hitched again and when he closed the distance between them, her eyes fluttered closed. He kissed her as softly as he could and Olivia whimpered. It was the complete opposite of the first time he'd crashed his mouth over hers and somehow, the moment was a thousand times more intense. And then she was kissing him back, nipping at his lower lip before pressing her lips to his and nudging his lips apart.

He moaned when her tongue found his and he pulled her closer to him, overcome with a need to feel her, all of her, and he never wanted to let her go. His body responded strongly to hers and he groaned when Olivia pushed her hips into his, trapping his growing erection between their bodies. He broke off the kiss to look into her eyes and she smiled at him.

"Don't be too gentle El," she said, moving one hand down to cup his ass and squeeze it.

"I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved," he whispered.

He was in awe of her trust in him and he never wanted to do anything to betray that trust.

"Just be yourself," she told him, moving her lips to his jaw to kiss him there.

"You too Liv."

She kissed his jaw again and made a trail of small kisses down his neck and collarbone.

"Don't worry. I will," she said and he heard a seductive tone in her voice for the first time tonight. And it was the first time ever that it was directed at him.

Elliot dropped his head and kissed her neck and shoulder while moving his hands down her back to her perfect ass. He wanted to take his time to explore her body and give her the attention she so deserved. He could hardly believe she still wanted to be with him but he wasn't going to turn her away because he felt guilty.

He needed her and he wasn't going to pretend otherwise. He was nothing without her.

He wrapped an arm around her waist and nudged her until she moved with him to lay down on the bed. She tried to pull him on top of her but he resisted.

"Slow," he whispered just before kissing her softly again.

She was on her back and he was next to her on his left side, leaning his left elbow while his right hand explored her luscious, soft body. She was amazing. He leaned forward to kiss her left breast softly, licking the bite mark he'd made and then blowing on the moist skin to cool it. Her nipple hardened and he saw goosebumps break out all over her skin.

"El," she moaned and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

He kissed her nipple and then licked and sucked it gently, making sure he didn't hurt her. Olivia shivered and writhed a little and tried to pull him closer again. But he wasn't going to jump her. Not this time. He moved his hand and mouth to her right breast and discovered the beginnings of shallow bruises on it. He closed his eyes, feeling the guilt wash over him again.

"El, please," Olivia sighed, pushing her breast up to meet his mouth, that was hovering over it.

"Doesn't it hurt?" he asked her before kissing the tender skin softly.

"No."

"Sure?"

"Yeah. Besides, I ..."

She suddenly stopped talking and he looked up to look at her face.

"What Liv. Just tell me."

He had no idea what she was going to say but he was immediately worried. She bit her lip and seemed ... embarrassed?

"Liv?"

"Well, I ehm ... I'm not exactly against a little rough play."

Seriously? Seriously?

He felt another portion of guilt leave his system and he moved up so he could kiss her on the lips again.

"You could have told me that a little sooner," he mumbled and he couldn't suppress a grin when she chuckled.

"I wasn't sure how you'd react. And you needed to calm down first."

He dropped his forehead to her shoulder. Olivia rolled on her right side and wrapped her left arm around his waist, pulling him close to her.

"How long are you gonna continue teasing me?" she asked him while pushing her hips into his again.

He kissed her softly again and then said very seriously,

"This isn't teasing Liv. I want to treat you with all the love and respect you deserve."

He saw tears in her eyes then just before she closed them.

"What Liv?" he asked her, holding her close to him.

"You sure talk about love a lot, El."

Her voice was a little shaky and he knew that they had reached an important point in this emotional rollercoaster ride they were on. If ever there was a time to step up to the plate, it was now. He kissed her forehead and then moved back a little so he could look at her.

"Liv. Look at me please," he said when he saw that her eyes were still closed.

When she opened them, he saw a deep brown pool of emotions in them. She almost seemed afraid of what he was going to say next.

"Don't be afraid of this," he told her, and it was finally his turn to reassure her. "We've both known this was coming. It was inevitable. Right?"

She swallowed hard and then nodded.

"I love you, Olivia Benson. And I don't care anymore what people will think. There's no going back after tonight and I don't want to go back."

"Me neither."

She'd whispered the words but it was enough for him.

"You saved me, Liv, and you were right. We need to stop denying what's growing between us and just let it out before it destroys us from the inside out."

Olivia hid her face in the crook of his neck and he swallowed hard, knowing that this conversation would need to be continued some time. But not now. Not now. They weren't going to talk about being partners on the job or about his kids or anything except them. Naked. In his bed. And about love.

He nudged her gently and she rolled back on her back. He leaned over her and kissed away the tears that had gathered in the corners of her eyes.

"I love you," he whispered once more, before he continued his journey down her body.

He made a trail of small kisses from her neck all the way down to her belly and the lower he got, the more her breathing picked up. When he finally reached the small patch of black hair, neatly trimmed and shaven in a triangle, she let out a gasp. Her legs fell open slightly and he moved his mouth even lower.

"Oh baby," he growled when he kissed her tender skin and Olivia's low moan shot straight to his groin.

He pushed his tongue between her lower lips and moaned with her when he tasted her for the first time. He tasted her but himself as well, and a small pang of guilt hit him again. This was what their first time should have been like.

"Don't stop," Olivia sighed and he reminded himself once more that Olivia didn't blame him.

That first explosion had been necessary to make room for this. To enable him to focus again, and his focus was completely on her now. It was all for her.

...

Olivia couldn't believe what Elliot was doing to her body. It was such a complete one-eighty from earlier that night. She knew he had it in him to be tender and loving, but to hear him tell her that he loved her and then to experience these tender touches was almost overwhelming. She felt his tongue moving in the most intimate places of her body and she could hardly contain herself. She was going to come from just this, she was sure of it.

He loved her.

She'd known it in a way, but hearing it was so different from sensing it. And having him go down on her, seeing him completely focused on her and so in control of himself was unbelievable.

It had been all for him the first time but he'd turned the tables now, making it all about her. She hadn't lied when she told him she was into rough play but she could definitely get used to this too. Elliot really was the full package and this was just the first night of many. She knew they would need to talk about their partnership, but not tonight. Not now. Because right now, he was well on his way to give her the most incredible orgasm she'd ever had, using nothing but his tongue. He wasn't even inside her and his hands were planted firmly on the mattress. If he could do this to her with just his tongue. imagine what he could do with ...

"Oooh!" she cried out, unable to finish her own thought.

She bucked up to meet Elliot's hungry mouth. She was going to blow.

"Go baby," Elliot mumbled against her body and when he sucked on her clit once more, she could feel it starting.

"Oh yes," she hissed, bucking up again. "Ohyesohyesohyesohyes!"

Elliot didn't stop. All he did was place one hand flat on her stomach to hold her in place while he pushed his tongue inside her once, twice, and she was done. She cried out when she reached her climax, grabbing the headboard behind her for support as the waves of her orgasm tore through her body. In. Credible.

As soon as she dropped her arms and her body went limp, Elliot was next to her, kissing her softly on the lips. She moaned, tasting herself on him and closed her eyes, basking in the afterglow of her climax while Elliot wrapped her up in his arms. He kissed her deeply and then just held her, whispering words of love to her and asking her again and again to forgive him.

She still felt like there was nothing to forgive because she believed that Elliot had only let out his pent-up frustrations because he knew he was safe with her. But if this was the way he planned to make it up to her, she was in. These were the two sides of Elliot that she had always seen and that she had grown to love. He was intense in his anger and intense in his love. It made him a complete man in her eyes and she loved each side of him equally. She should tell him. She should tell him she loved him, but those weren't words that came easily for Olivia Benson. For now, she was content to be in his arms. He was caressing her back and kissed her cheek, mumbling that he loved her once more. It seemed easy for him to say it. He made it seem so easy to say it back ...

...

So how about this chapter? Did it make sense?
Next up, a finale that will hopefully ease Elliot's mind completely about being rough with his lady. Stay tuned ... Leave a review?