Chapter 31
The mountain's peak gave the wondrous sight of nearly the entire island of Galuna, the gentle sea breeze making itself to the top of the ritual remains of the temple where nothing aside from askewed placed structures made up the entirety of the area. It gave a hauntingly eerie feeling that would draw you in just to captivate you with the idea of the many going ons that could have happened during the temple's active years. The beauty was a sight for sore eyes to anyone that wished to get away from it all and have a moment to reflect on their own thoughts, but being left to them was not what an armored beauty wanted for herself. It was on this exact sight that started a chain reaction that caused Gray to open up to people for the first time. A large step forward for him as Lucy had been around when he first began to speak about his past, even when she was a mere week old rookie mage at the time no less.
Erza stared out onto the expansive horizon of sea that continued on for miles, the familiarity of it coming due to her time in the Tower did not dissuade her from enjoying the beauty of nature and yet it was still not enough to rid the requip mage of her creeping thoughts. How could she allow herself to when the only things they would tell her was that her best friend cared so deeply for her that went above and beyond the limitations of a close friendship. She did not mean to eavesdrop on the conversation that Levy was having with Gajeel outside the tent they shared, but she could now only assume it was for her own good. The things that had been said had made the unshakable Titania quiver with embarrassment and could not find it in herself to think of her future interactions with Gray.
It was there at the peak of the temple that her memories became clear to her and no matter how much she wished to deny them, her own heart clenched in response of her trying to purge the memories away. Happiness was a virtue she believed everyone deserved, even if she wasn't on the receiving end of it at times, but when she was given said happiness her life had felt submerged in bliss. She quickly punched her thigh to regain control before she lost herself in the memories whose purpose posed to do nothing more than become irritations and reminders that her barriers are so dangerously weakened now.
Emotion was a strict subject that her past masters drilled into her to always have control of them; "blinded by them is the weakness a swordsman must not fall prey to" one had told her, but another had said; "A swordsman must keep to such ideals, but a knight must learn to wield them for the greater good of the innocent. Only then will emotion no longer become a burden to be cautious of, but a boon that will help you surpass any limitation," and right he was as Erza had become such a renowned mage because she used her emotions to protect countless of lives that had been on the line before.
It still didn't mean that she wasn't any less privy to the things young women her age fell into just because she was as tough as a mountain and sure hit like one too. In reality, it was the ones she hasn't been exposed to that made her falter and it didn't help anything now that Gray went beyond a glue holding her together whenever she was starting to fall apart to a person she'd entrust her very own shielded heart in their hands. He was always there for her and she's happy to have him in her life, but was she even ready to let herself be taken?
She ruffled her hair irritatedly as she was only going in circles in her mind as she had never came across a time where she had to choose where her future would go to. She always chose the path that had Fairy Tail's best interest and now it was if this would decide a long awaited fate destined to make a great impact in the life she knew so well. Erza was now angered at herself for listening in on Levy and then switched it over towards Gray for making her feel this way in the first place and later it would cycle through a few more people before it landed back on her.
The requip mage plopped herself down on a fallen support pillar, twiddling her thumbs in exasperation that she came to the temple to find some solace in order to keep herself leveled and now she was no better off here than if she was at the village. Erza let out a small sigh as her mind soon wandered back to a tattooed and blue haired man that was an important figure in her life as well. It was short lived as he slowly began to meld into another person who wielded his ice just as good as he hid his feelings. It shocked her how the resemblance was so easily recognizable, although there was the fact that one of them was several years older than the other.
"If choosing a man is this difficult, then why does Mira enjoy match making so much?" She muttered aloud as her head began to spin once again at the current question.
"Maybe it's because she loves doing it." Erza gave a small girlish squeal at the sound of the baritone voice that replied to her, which she was not expecting to be replied to in the first place, and spun on her heel to see Gray making his way towards her.
"Didn't think you'd get company up here?" The ice mage asked as he took a seat across from her, on a destroyed pillar with only a small stump of it's original height left to show for it.
"No...not really. I thought everyone would be much more interested being in the demon village to bother with my disappearance." Erza replied, finding the odd looking twig next to her boot much more intriguing than Gray. "I'm surprised you knew where to find me."
"Well Levy did tell me that you were heading here, so I just went with it and here I am now." Small talk would be inevitable if Gray was not careful and at this point he was glad that Erza was much more nervous about everything compared to him.
"She summarized my destination rather well as I only told her that I was going for a walk." The red head was not willing to pull out straws on this conversation and she couldn't lie that a part of her wished for Mira to tackle her in her Satan Soul and start a fight there and now.
"That's Lev for you, but what I'm more concerned with is...uhm, well...how are you holding up?" In truth Gray was just going with the flow and what happens, happens. He'd accept any outcome that would come his way.
"I'm doing rather well Gray, thank you for asking." Erza replied although a part of her was demanding to tell the truth, that it was her way of understanding what's happened to her and everyone involved. "Actually, I'm not so well."
"Care to talk about? We don't need to head back anytime soon, plus I've been told that I'm a pretty good listener." Understanding Erza's questions or her claims were two peas in the same pod, they are either very gentle and fine or they are death balls thrown at you if you failed to get a read on them.
Erza took this moment to stand, followed by her pacing back and forth in front of Gray as the red head tried to gather her words to outright tell Gray that there is something new in their friendship that needed to be addressed.
"Truth be told, I'm on the fence of wanting to keep you sitting there and wanting to shake you violently to tell me what is wrong with me." She began and the ice mage was already afraid of what she may do if she began to get physical. "A few weeks ago, I was busy trying to find the best armor type for a technique I was developing and now I struggle to find what exactly should I do differently to change my style."
"Don't tell me you are going through your "normal" teenage years?!" Gray exclaimed in a joking manner, but fell silent by the stare the armored woman threw at him.
"Joke all you want Gray, but I've never taken into consideration of what I would be wearing for the day. It was always my favorite armor breastplate, stylish blue skirt and trusty boots and now I struggle to find something "casual" and "cute" to wear." Erza was never one to be swayed by fashion as she found it as a waste of time, so this was actually quite the turn for her in Gray's opinion.
"It's all part of life Erza, sometimes some long held beliefs tear away and you want to try something new. It's only natural, so I don't think there's anything wrong with you." Gray replied to the best of his abilities, but he didn't really know how the female mind functioned much less after the past events.
"But there is Gray, I'm not doing this for myself. I'm actually doing it to impress...you." Erza slowly voiced out as she had begun to realize how many meanings her words had, turning to face somewhere else that didn't have the ice mage in the line of sight.
"Oh...well why try when you already have. I mean that you became S-class at fourteen, surpassed the expectations of countless of people and are the person I want watching my back in a fight." Erza was already hinting at things Gray was well aware of, but he wanted to play those off just for a little longer if only to become an unshaken wall for what's to come. "You've impressed me countless of times before Erza, so you really shouldn't concern yourself with clothing choices and besides have you forgotten I tend to lose most of them by day's end?"
"No as it is painfully obvious that everyone knows about that, it's just that amongst everyone in Fairy Tail...your attention is rather difficult to attain if you're not Natsu." The requip mage replied as it never seems to fail time and time again for the dragon slayer to rile up Gray into a fight that has him only concentrate on him before she had to step in to stop what fight they'd sooner or later start.
"I wouldn't say that would be an achievement, the pink haired dimwit just knows how to push my buttons is all." Gray could see how hesitant Erza was becoming by the way she asked her questions, wanting him to fill in the gaps she didn't want to say. "But I've been thinking that having a conversation with me isn't all that you want. So what's really been bothering you?"
"When will the day come when I will be the shoulder you get to cry on?" Erza softly joked as she knew how the ice mage was always being the tougher one of the two, emotionally wise, just for her sake. "I've been struggling about my realization of how much you mean to me and how much I want you around."
The red head waited in silence for Gray to reply to her, his face set in a neutral expression as he moved his gaze outward to the sparkling sea. It was a stretch to really ask him about anything concerning deep intertwined emotions, but he's grown so much as a person that he should have the capability of talking it out with at least her. That was actually a small hope Erza had for her best friend, but she felt a sense of security watching his stoic face in front of her with himself lost in his thoughts and yet aware that she was waiting on him. So when he turned to face her again, Erza slightly stiffened with attention to concentrate fully on what he had to say.
"That makes two of us." He simply replied and it was actually enough for Erza to have a fleeting surge of blood rise to her cheeks before being subdued by her will. "There's always been a part of me that was grateful for having you in my life and another part of me that felt lucky to consider you a close friend of mine."
"Oh...just a close friend, I see. Was there no other inclination for something further than that?" The red head bravely asked as she was sure most of the other women she knew would struggle to even suggest that to another man.
"If we're being honest here than...I guess you can say that it has crossed my mind before." The ice mage sheepishly replied, cursing to himself that he was there to finish up loose ends not dig further into this rabbit hole. "But they were on occasion since someone like you can do far better than a stripping mage like myself."
"I wouldn't say that, how many women get the chance at having a prince around to help lift their spirits when they are feeling down?" Sure that prince doesn't appear as often as one would think, but it's a nice feeling to know that he'd be there if you want someone to go to.
"Yeah well, I don't think you've really found your prince charming yet." He replied out of habit and wished he clamped his mouth shut once he realized what he just said, no doubt within him saying that he may have triggered something in Erza.
As he guessed it, Gray's prediction was correct as Erza's memories flooded back to her much more cleanly compared to when she tried during her listening in on Levy. Every moment she spent thinking of the ice mage, the numerous times she would glare at Mira and the amazing bliss she felt on their sort of date they had although she forced him into it. Yet one memory stood out the most and that was of the ravenette's hurt expression as she looked at him behind a barrier. Erza witnessed those eyes directed at her and she loathed the thought of Gray making such a face because of her, to which she tried so hard to deny that it was all her fault.
She immediately moved forward and held onto his shoulders, slightly squeezing them beneath her gauntlets, trying to muster the right words for the situation. Gray on the other hand was at a loss as he set himself up for this, now hoping that his resolve would stay as strong as his ice. They each held the other in high regard, but none of them was brave enough to actually say anything until Gray had finally decided to break the silence.
"There's no real way of dealing with this and honestly I was hoping to have more time, but it's best that I get it out of the way." The ice mage reached for Erza's gauntlets to get them off his shoulders, but she did everything in her power to keep them there as if it was her only lifeline. "What happened between you and me was all fabricated and if you want me to, I'll do what I can to forget everything that has happened."
Gray was soon met with the an increased amount of strength in the red head's grip and stood stunned to see what looked like distraught on Erza's face which completely threw him off of what he thought would go down. He stood to his full height, her hands not moving away anytime soon, but her features told the ice mage enough to know that she didn't take too kindly to what he said.
"How can you offer an idea such as that when you haven't asked what I thought of it first?" Erza tried to sound intimidating, growling the question out although it sounded like she was struggling to keep her voice together in Gray's ears. "Those are memories you and I share, ones that are strictly kept between us with no other intervention from our guildmates and yet you want to rid yourself of them?" Her tone was a mixture of anger, sadness and hints of what the ice mage could only assume as denial yet it didn't matter in the torrent of Erza's words.
"Do memories of me behaving such a way destroy the image of the woman who had impressed you as the Great Titania of Fairy Tail, not as Erza Scarlet; your best friend?!" That had surprised the ice mage more than anything as Erza had never outwardly acknowledged their close friendship, but he knew that it was an implied sort of thing, so her words held much more impact with him as she knows who she is to Gray before all the problems began.
"Do you hear yourself Erza? You are both one and the same, who you are is what matters the most to me and that is being Erza Scarlet; Titania of Fairy Tail and the one I'd give everything to make sure you would never cry again. I said that not because they destroy an image I have of you, but because I want you to go on with your life without the constant reminder of what I know." Gray had finally managed to get free from her grip and led her back to her seat, knowing that she needed to stay in one place before she got out of hand.
"Why do you choose to purge those memories of us together instead of keeping them, they are the few we share where neither of us are in shambles and in tears." Erza solemnly asked as most of her memories that she shared with him held one or the other being emotionally distraught seeking comfort in an equally broken person.
"You know I don't do things without a reason Erza, so I've got mine and I'm sure you've tried to get rid of them too, right?" The momentarily hesitation the requip mage had was enough for Gray to get his answer. "It makes it much more simpler on everyone if we do this, we're still going to be friends and whatever has happened will be nothing more than a figment of our imagination."
"I can't understand why you think this is the only option, why do you want to crush this opportunity at happiness Gray? I've known you long enough to understand that you aren't truly happy." The requip mage knew how boisterous he tends to be in the guild, but she could see that the true joy in his life was not as bright as others and has never been much brighter than a low dim since he was fourteen.
"It's because I want you to be happy with someone you do love and not by acquiring your love through some cheap trick. If I've got to be alone then so be it, if it means that you don't make a mistake with me." The ice mage was building up much more tension than he intended to, but he was still in control of the conversation and if he lost it then he'd have to improvise.
"Huh, why is it that the loneliest people are the kindest..?" Erza quietly asked as even when the ice mage has a chance of becoming something greater with her, he'd actually let her go so that the love she has is real and not artificial.
"The same reason why the saddest people smile the brightest, so that other people don't see their pain." He spoke about their mutual knowledge that behind their smiles lies a lonely and saddened person deep within. "You and I both know that we never thought of ourselves as more than just best friends before last week, so I'm taking the stand that we've been duped into liking each other beyond our friendship."
"No Gray, you're not being reasonable here. Sure we came together all through some incident, but that doesn't mean we can't work through it. Just look at the way we interacted with each other back at the Cromwell's cafe, no matter how awkward we became we just continued right past it without a second thought." It was actually puzzling to Erza that Gray of all people seemed to be having a one way thought process, compared to his usual open mindedness.
"And think how hard it will be once we realize that we are only compatible as friends and not lovers, try to see it in my eyes Erza; I've already gone through this once and I'm not about to do it all over again." The ice mage knew that the red head was fully aware of his past with Cana, so it would work in his favor that she kept up with his line of thought.
"I know you to be an optimist about a number of things, so why is it that you're already willing to jump the gun?" It made no sense that the young man went with the first idea he had, he didn't have a single tracked mind like Natsu's most of the time.
"It's because I am an optimist that I've looked as far ahead as I could and just know that my judgement is right Erza. Don't argue me on this since we both know that you don't have much in the way of experience with love." Erza's eyes widened slightly at the jab at her love life and didn't expect to hear that come from Gray, which only served to shorten her patience a bit more with the ice mage.
"My love life prior to this has nothing to do with us right now, alright? Refrain from mentioning it again and answer me correctly Gray." She tried to say it as calmly as she could could, but it sounded very close to an order and in this tense atmosphere that only seemed to be building, it wasn't a good idea.
"You have no experience with it as far as I know and mine are all terrible so it breaks even wouldn't you agree?" The irritated look in the woman's eye told Gray that he was starting to push her buttons. "Let's make this easier on all of us and agree that this was all a mistake, letting it die down on it's own with some time."
"For Mavis' sake, do you hear yourself Gray?! You keep driving this conversation into going in circles and to be honest, I am getting quite fed up with it already." If one could see, they would be able to notice a tick mark appear on Erza's head as Gray merely scoffed at her words.
"You're the one that is dragging this on, for once don't fight me on this one Erza and let's both get rid of these memories so that they don't have to loom over our heads for years down the road." The ice mage offered once again, this time a bit more sternly to the requip mage who responded with a vigorous fire in her eye.
"I can't agree with you on that Gray, can't you see that these memories are ones I want to cherish." She was taking a firm stance on this and Gray knew he had to start pushing back harder or else he would end up weakening to her words. "Is it so wrong for you to know that there is someone who, dare I say, loves you for the amazing person you are?!"
"Yes it is because you don't love me Erza!" Gray yelled back at her, he was patient enough for a while, but he was already starting to hurt and hated that feeling. "I'm not stupid, I'm well aware of where you tend to disappear to at those random times a month to meet with."
The requip mage was stunned silent when she heard that, Erza thought that she was doing a good job in keeping her rendezvous a secret from everyone. This was news to her and just by the tone of Gray's did she realize how long he must of known about it. The armored woman wanted to say something to refute his words, but she was well aware that the ice mage would pick up on her lying to him so in the end she decided to keep silent.
Her silence was all he needed for an answer, Gray had his suspicions and it was mainly a bluff he called her out on about it so he was partially stunned himself although he couldn't show it. She was her own person and a capable one at that, but the part of him that cared for her had always been struck by worry whenever she left to see Jellal. The ice mage had believed that others may think of him as overprotective in a sense, but that's they way he is when it came to the people he's close with.
"You meet with Jellal without anyone's knowledge, but don't bother to inform at least me just in case something happens?" Gray questioned and it surprised the red head when a look of hurt swiftly passed by onto his face before completely disappearing into a blank stoic expression.
"I'm sorry I don't tell you all the details of my private life Gray, but it's a personal matter that doesn't require your input." Her sarcasm wasn't lost on the ice mage, who was actually surprised to hear coming from the ever so serious Erza, but she wasn't quite done talking yet. "Besides, why bring him into this conversation when it is between you and I?"
"I brought him up because I know that you are in love with him." Gray strained to actually say that, while Erza had been stunned silent once again by his words and she feared how possible it is. "In all honesty, I had the oddest sense of knowing about it for a while now."
"Gray I...it's nothing more than..." Erza was having trouble to form a coherent sentence in reply of Gray's words, but her mouth decided to fail on her at that moment. "What we have is none of your concern, you could be wrong for all you know and I choose not to tell you that you're wrong."
"But I know I'm right and it does concern me when it was him that broke my promise." The dark haired ice mage balled his fists just remembering his own failure of what happened in the past.
"How could he have when you hardly interact with him?" The requip mage could tell that Gray was angry, but he had no right in saying that Jellal had ever made him break a promise. Although she was stuck between a rock and a hard place now as she had realized that she was defending the blue haired man.
"On that day at the river I promised to myself that so long as Fairy Tail stood, you were a proud member of it and I was still kicking that I wouldn't let you shed a single tear." Gray's voice grew louder as he spoke and he couldn't help himself as one of the other things he hated was failing. "Do you know how terrible it was when I saw you crying?"
"My apologies if that has hurt your pride Gray, but I've forgiven him now and so should you. Continuing to dwell on this isn't good for you and I'm genuinely concerned for your well being if you don't change your mind set." Erza felt touched by the way Gray was caring for her in his own way, but she was also worried that his anger would consume him like his regret for his master's passing.
"He's earned some of my respect, I'll give him that but how could I forgive him for what he did to you?!" The ice mage wished he could communicate his stance on this much better than with just his words, but he'd find a way to manage somehow. "He pushed you to your limit, made you a betrayer in your friends' eyes; he killed one of them right in front of you and nearly killed you!"
"I know he did! Do you think I'd forget something like that?!" Erza yelled back passionately as these were the things that bothered her from deep within and it seemed that Gray believed she forgot about them. "I could never forget what happened to Simon, but Jellal's doing his best to reform for his past crimes so I don't understand why you are being so pig headed about not trusting him when he's trying so hard!?"
"Because that's who I am Erza! I'm paranoid that if I don't pay close attention of the people I care about then they'll wind up dead, when there was something I could've done to prevent it!" It was a trait Gray never wished to show, but it was hidden in his character to worry about the little things that could take away those close to him. "Do you think it's any easier for me to come to terms with Jellal when you cried in anguish after that blue haired bastard was arrested!?"
"I thought the Jellal I knew in the Tower before his possession was gone for good, but when he started remembering the things about me that's when I felt that he was coming back!" It was raw emotion that Erza was pushing out, something Gray hadn't been doing since he started talking about Jellal which had begun to bother her for some time now. "He was someone I cared about like Uncle Rob so don't think for a second that it pained me to lose him for a second time, Gray!"
"Then just admit it already, you love the bastard if you keep defending him!" The ice mage would've said more if the cold hard slap from the red head's gauntleted hand didn't silence him first.
"I love him! There I said it, are you satisfied now Gray? It doesn't mean that I don't love you or any of our friends any less does it!?" Erza's raw emotion was already starting to pool tears in her good eye now and that alone told the ice mage that he was almost pushing her to the breaking point. "How could you be like this? I thought I knew you better than this, but this person I'm talking to now doesn't sound like the Gray I know at all!"
"Maybe you are right, maybe I wasn't actually in love with you after all and it was that forsaken potion ruining my state of mind." She moved away from him and turned her back away from the ice mage, completely dumbfounded with what was going on. "What was I thinking; how could I have fallen in love with such a...a...a selfish asshole!"
"Glad to know that you agree on not actually being in love with me." Gray sarcastically replied to her, lifting a hand to cool down his now stinging cheek. "Think of me in whatever way you want, I wanted to do this calmly but to hell with that now! I came here to tell you that whatever romantic possibilities between you and me would never be realized."
"You what?" This time she turned to look over her shoulder to see that infuriating stoic face Gray still wore even if he winced in pain slightly as he rubbed his cheek.
"You heard me, we will never be anything more than just friends and I don't even know if we'll be that too!" There it was, the look of total angered astonishment on Erza's face was the sign that Gray needed to know that he managed to get on her bad side.
"Then everything is just the way it should be, I can't believe that I was so troubled about how I would ever talk to you about this when it really wasn't going anywhere." The requip mage turned her head back to look over at the island, leaving the ice mage to talk to her back. "If this is who you really are, then give the girl who would even bother to put up with your thick headedness my condolences. Unless you're too prideful to do that request for me?"
"Fine I'll do it just for you, Tin Can." The dark haired young man noticed the slight falter forward she had done to know that he pushed a pretty hard button. "When you're done being too good to look at me, get to the village before we have to depart or wait at your pirate buddies' ship for all I care."
Gray turned his back this time to her and stalked off, already feeling Erza's anger as he started to walk away and knew that he successfully got the requip mage to hate him slightly. With each step he took, a part of him felt like it was breaking at what he had done to his best friend or acquaintance. It depended on what happened after today or even in a week really as this was Erza he was talking about.
In any case, he did everything in his power to walk strong and true down the peak of the temple and back towards the village. No matter how serious or emotion dulled he became, there was always that stinging sensation in his heart that fully knew that Erza was shedding tears for the things he had said. Jellal may have broken his promise at first, but now as he drudged along it hurt him much harder knowing that he was the one to make Erza cry. Was all the pain he was placing her through really worth it?
"It was..." Or so he would tell himself, just to feel remotely accepting of his actions.
"I had to be harsh, it was the only way of getting through to Erza. She's just too important to let her cry because of a broken heart, but now I need to finish this while I'm ahead." He thought somewhat confidently, although he knew that the only person he could easily speak with about his decision wasn't going to be Cana. "I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but will it be alright to deny Cana something she longed for as well?" It was a difficult question placed upon his shoulders that soon became a burden of how much this meant to Cana, until a random pang pierced his heart.
The sudden sensation was like an indicator to him that Erza was in emotional distress and all he could do know is keep moving forward.
"I told you Erza, I don't do things without a reason. I hope you realize what I was trying to do one day, but my stance about that blue haired punk was the hard truth and I'm genuinely sorry we can't agree about it Erza." Gray thought solemnly as he used his actual opinions about the blue haired man she held dear to become the worst possible person to her, bordering on ruining their friendship as much as possible.
"Hopefully, you'll forgive me too."
A/N: I am so inconsistent with my updates, but I had thing's piling up so I had to get some priorities sorted out although I'm glad I got to finish this chapter for all you wonderful readers. Hopefully I manage to update this fic much sooner because I feel bad that I post a chapter once like every month compared to how I did in the early stages although we are about 95% done at this point. I hope to see you all at the end of this and glad that you enjoyed the chapter. Enjoy the rest of your day or night and don't be shy to review if you liked it, didn't or are in the middle. See you in the next chapter!
