"Oh Harry you are the hottest, most-not-gossiped-about-because-his-parents-were-killed-by-you-know-who-guy in the whole school." Harry stared stoically into the distance as Cho praised him for his looks, his brains, and his beauty.

"Thank you Cho, these things you say to me. They make me feel knew feelings, feelings I've never felt before. I've been so angry lately, I don't know why... I just. I just get so mad!" He punched the ground in slow motion, so slow it could have been the memory of the blast that killed his parents.

"Harry, it's alright now." Cho pulled Harry up. "Hold me Harry..."

"Harry please hold me!"

Harry awoke to find his sheets wet and Ronaldo the pheonix staring into his eyes.

"God, Ron you-"

"RONALDO"

"Ronaldo! You didn't... you did not just pee in my bed again!"

"I'm sorry Harry I just get so worked up when I see you..."

"It's so wet... so wet it could have been the blast that killed my parents... "

"Harry I'm- wait, spells aren't wet."

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW RON! WHERE YOU THERE RON? NO OF COURSE YOU WEREN'T THERE, RON! NO ONE WAS THERE, RON! ONLY I WAS THERE, A BABY, RON! LEFT TO FACE VOLDEMORT ALL ON MY OWN, RON!"

"Harry-"

"How did you even pee in my bed this time Ron? You're a bird, birds can't pee!"

"False, I'm a pheonix, besides appearing in blocked off chambers with magical hats containing swords and blowing up every so often, there are many things we can do that you will never understand..."

At this time Hermione came in to unpack her things, now that she'd been moved to the boys dorms since her secret was found out.

"Harry, your hair is green!" gasped Hermione.

"What?! Are you speaking bullocks again Hermione!? Just because you have a penis does not mean you get to speak bullocks!!" Harry yelled with an extremely offended tone. He stomped over to the mirror and his eyes went as wide as Hagrid's rock cakes.

"I'd even go as far to say that your hair is as green as..." Ron started...

"THE BLAST THAT KILLED MY PARENTS!" Harry's voice was like the shrill cry of a thousand dying seagulls.

Ron presently burst into flame.

"Well, I guess I should be going then..." Hermione backed away slowly towards the door. She feared that if her movements were too sudden she would get a hard on from all of the crazy tension in the room.

Harry proceeded to glare at his ghastly grotesque verdurous shimmering locks.

Once again Harry found himself running down the hallway of his uncertain future. He could almost make out the gleaming head of his forbidden lover... he was closer now and suddenly it felt as if the rain was breaking through the ceiling of the old castle and cascading down his face...

"Aaaaahhh..."

Harry awoke again, he seemed to be sleeping a lot lately. He then noticed that his face was wet, very wet, still becoming increasingly more wet. He thought it would be a good plan to open his eyes.

This was actually a very bad plan.

What awaited his emerald eyes was none other than Ron's rather small and insufficient penis peeing all over his face.

"WHAT THE SHIT MAN?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT RON!?"

Harry sprung from the bed like a well-oiled panther, loping away from the spurts of pee spluttering their way out of Ron's unpleasing male appendage.

"RON, WHY DID YOU JUST PEE ON ME?!" Harry wailed with the strength of a thousand abandoned wizard orphans chosen to fight all known evils in the world.

"You know that pee makes my luxurious man-locks go frizzy!!"

"Urinal? Are you talking?" Ronaldo looked over at Harry with concern.

"And if you are talking to me, why do you sound like my one true love? And WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME RON INSTEAD OF RONALDO?? These Urine-O-Vision glasses suck with the power of a million Malfoys!!" Ron bellowed, throwing aside the glasses, which shattered. They lay there, glistening in the sunlight streaming in through the clouds and into the common room, a poignant metaphor for Ron's goal to see the world as only urinals, and how it was broken forever.

"Ah, Harry, are you alright? I really like your new cologne, you smell really sexy. It reminds me of the time..."

But Harry was not listening. At the mention of the word 'Malfoy' up in that last paragraph there, he had been struck with a vision of Malfoy in the skinniest of pants, a wetsuit made of ladies pants, swimming through an ocean of the most narrow and slender pants you have ever seen, with little pants-fish and little pants seaweed. He was wearing pants-glasses, and his hair glistened as the sweat glistened upon Harry's armpits and forehead whenever he tried to remove his skinny, skinny, skinny, skinny, girl pants.

"Harry," breathed Draco lustily, "come swim with me."

Harry was about to faint with ecstasy. Could this be his sexual man-love? Could it be -?! Draco threw hishead out of the water and winked saucily.

It seemed that it very well could be.

Harry awoke with a start to see Ron all dressed up in a wedding dress, obviously very excited because their was a little yellow stain forming at the front. He looked around and realized all his friends were there in formal attire, and he himself was waiting for Ron at the alter.

"Oh bugger."

NEXT INSPIRATIONAL SOMBRERO:

hextasy