Prompt: (Auto)biography
Character(s): Adrian Andrews
Originally Written: 8.16.2009
It's only now, in the quiet moments that I have to myself, that I can reflect on how far I've come without being ashamed of what occurred in the past.
Throughout high school – no, even middle school – I was a very withdrawn child. I spoke only when I was spoken to and didn't have anything to say. I wouldn't venture to call myself better than my peers, but their actions spoke for themselves.
Dyke. Lesbo. The hair pulling, the slaps, the crushing of glasses…those things come rushing back to me at the strangest of times. I would wince, shake my head as though the thoughts were so easily thrown away, just to be rid of that agonizing sense of shame. I didn't feel right in my own body, and by simply existing, I was something to be ashamed of.
It's hard to stay warm when there's nothing but ice surrounding you.
For the longest time, I couldn't rise above it; I begun to cling to those who I knew would keep me safe. I wasn't Adrian Andrews; I had no idea what possessed me to call myself that, because I was no one. I was defined by everyone else, and there was me, a shell of a human being.
The turning point, I believe, was when I met Franziska von Karma. It's a shame that we're no longer in contact, but I remember with such overwhelming vividness the things she told me during Matt Engarde's trial. I can't particularly judge whether or not those comments had benevolent intentions behind them, but they changed me for the better.
The shame of my past is replaced with good faith in all that I've learned, as excruciatingly trite as it sounds.
Inhale. Exhale.
I am no longer a shell.
