Hey everyone. Unfortunately, this isn't an actual chapter update, but more of a story update. Those on the Talimancer Discord are sort of aware, but for anyone not on there, I'm taking a small break from writing.
Don't worry, this isn't a hiatus, I'm reluctant to call it that since it feels like 90% of the time when that word is used, it's an author discontinuing the project. I've just had some life stuff get in the way and not a lot of time to sit down and do a lot of writing. Thankfully, the life stuff isn't anything bad, it's actually really good.
I'm going through a job transfer that I requested a long time ago, and am in the process of moving somewhere closer to family. So getting everything situated and all my affairs in order before that starts is taking up a serious portion of my time, especially with it being on such short notice. These next couple of weeks are just going to be a bit hectic and I need to be focused on this.
As some extra good news, before the new position starts, I'll have a few weeks to myself, doing some at home/remote training, so I'm hoping I'll be able to get a good amount of writing in before the serious work starts.
With all that said, I don't want to leave you guys with nothing. I do have a small portion of the next chapter in a draft phase which I will share here. To be clear, this is not the final form, but something I cooked up quickly, so parts that appear here may not show up, or be moved around and finessed in the actual chapter release. Ignore any grammatical or spelling mistakes, those will be cleared up in the final version.
One last thing, and I want your guys' opinion on this. I'm thinking of changing the name of this fic, and possible the first one, A Quarian's Awakening, to something a bit different. I've had a couple different ideas, but nothing concrete. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated, let me know. So, without further ado…
Once again, Shepard found himself in the Normandy's elevator. A dreadful and meandering ascent up to the ship's CIC. Only this time, he travelled alone, and much to his dismay, the solitude ate away at him more than the prodding eyes of his friends.
Garrus and Liara had offered, practically insisted, to join him once they had been notified by EDI of Admiral Anderson's forthcoming call, but he rejected it. Shepard had hoped that the time to himself, as small as it was, would give him some respite from the day's events, that by some miracle it would provide a moment of clarity. As the doors closed in front of him, leaving Garrus and Liara to hash out terms with Ashley in regards to watching over Tali, he realized that it would not come to him.
Hiding away within the confines of the elevator would not erase the trials of the last few hours. It wouldn't even shield him from the turmoil of his own mind. If anything, it just made him feel even more trapped, more helpless, and with no one around, all the more alone.
"Mercy for her, or for you?"
Javik's last words to him were haunting, but it was a record on constant repeat inside his own head. And with each recollection, a shooting pang to his heart. A reminder that he was the one who brought this on Tali. A reminder that he wasn't able to protect her. A reminder of his greatest failure.
Him not stopping Tali wasn't some way to bide time, a chance to think of something or find a way to bring her back and break the Reaper's control over her. It was all just him trying to spare himself from losing the most important person in his life. To quell, however negligible the impact might be, the guilt. His conscience was raked already with what he's done to her, but to actually be the one to have killed her, to have her blood on his hands, it would have destroyed him.
"But you have something else: the reasons you fight are still alive. The friendships of the people around you…and more. You and the quarian are…joined?"
"You could say that."
"I'm not. Your pheromones are. Is this why you wish to continue living? For their affection?"
"Without that 'affection,' all I have in my life is death. And that's not enough."
Shepard could not have more death on his shoulders.
He felt the elevator begin to slow, indicating he was nearing his destination. The moment those doors opened and he stepped outside, he knew that he would be pelted with questions. He hoped that EDI would at least be able to keep Joker distracted and at the helm. But getting past Traynor, as well as the other members of his crew like privates Westmoreland and Campbell, who just stood guarding a useless door all day and had nothing else to do, would be impossible.
All he could do was stand there in the elevator, his weight heavily favoring the right side of his body, being supported by the cane Chakwas had given him, as the inevitable came barreling towards him.
The elevator stopped, and in a matter of seconds, the doors opened, and the first thing that greeted him was the holo-map of the Milky Way. The normal hums and low rumbles of the ship could still be heard, even all the way up here. On top of it, were the sounds of idle chatter of navigators and specialists either working at their terminals or talking to each other in conversation. The state of their families and loved ones, the most recent Reaper attack, someone's plan on their next shore leave, and a variety of other topics made up the typical humdrum of the Normandy's crew. Shepard paid it no mind, he had other matters to attend to, and he began his walk towards the War Room.
"Commander," came the unmistakable posh English accent of the Normandy's comm specialist, Samantha Traynor, who was still too focused on her terminal at the moment, "good to finally hear from you. I think there's an issue with your omni-tool, I kept getting a dead signal when I tried to contact you. If you like, I can try to see about putting in a requisition order for a new one."
While her attention was still on her screen, the same could not be said for the others working throughout the CIC. Shepard noticed the change immediately, as the conversations that usually echoed off the Normandy's walls came to a halt as more and more people began to see the state of their commanding officer. Talks of the most recent biotiball match were replaced with hushed whispers, and Shepard didn't need to have a krogan's hearing to know what, or who, they were talking about.
Noticing the shift in the CIC, Traynor's curiosity prompted her to finally tear her eyes from her terminal, and turn around. Seeing Shepard, she was about to greet him in the manner typical of an Alliance soldier to a superior officer, but stopped when she saw him. An audible gasp welcomed him instead, as her hands went not to salute, but to cover her mouth in shock. The bruises, the blood, the disheveled appearance of her usual prim and proper leader, and of course, the cane holding him up, it was stupefying.
There was a reason why she had went into R&D and avoided anything having to do with combat and field work when she joined the Alliance. She was squeamish when it came to any of that type of stuff, preferring the bloodless and calculated actions of her simulations and games like Kepesh-Yakshi. And to see a person that she revered and held in high regard walk in in such a state, Traynor became a bit frantic with worry.
As for Shepard, there was nothing he could say that would quell the woman's mind, or satisfy the questions of the small crowd that was beginning to gather around him. He wasn't in a good place to deal with this right now, he just wanted to focus on getting to the QEC room, and speak to Anderson.
"Oh…my God, C-Commander, you look…"
His left hand immediately came up, palm facing her, stopping her in her tracks. "Not now Traynor." His tone was not of anger, or deflection, but one of defeat and exhaustion. "Is Anderson ready for me?" he briskly asked, not wanting this to play out longer than he wanted.
Stunned by his curt actions, Traynor stuttered. "Y-Yes, in the…um…war room…waiting for you."
Deep down, Shepard regretted the tone he took with her. A part of him made a mental note that he would have to apologize to her later, but truth be told, there was another part that just didn't want to have to deal with the prying eyes. He looked to his left, turning towards the cockpit, where he could barely make out Joker, still in his chair, staring at him, trying to get a glimpse of what was going on. Peeling his eyes away, Shepard tried to ignore it, but the feeling of everyone staring at him in mixtures of horror and confusion only agitated him more.
"All of you, dismissed! Back to your stations!" Shepard's voice thundered across the CIC, and in a flash, all eyes were off him as everyone scrambled about to resume their work.
It was unbecoming of Shepard to raise his voice like that to his own crew, but in that moment, he was in no mood to care.
