"What the hell do you mean Misaki's gone?! You're his manager aren't you supposed to be caring for him!?"
Click.
Hanging up the call between Takahiro and his brother's Manager he began spam-calling Misaki non-stop.
"Any luck?" Manami appeared in the small living room holding her slightly plump belly.
"No. Where could he be? What could've happened to him?" Takahiro began pacing around the room biting his nails.
"Well you never know, he could be taking a break you know." Manami did her best to reassure him his missing brother was okay.
"Manami! It's been 3 days! He hasn't answered my calls or anyone. The police traced his phone and it was found on the highway! What if he was kidnapped? What if someone tries to hurt him!"
"I… I don't know hun.." The wife didn't know how to help cope her husband. She was worried for Misaki too, Takahiro needs to have faith in him though. Yes, the boy can be naïve but he's not weak and stupid.
"Misaki will be okay, You raised him, right? You and he have to stay strong, say. Why don't we visit your friend?"
"Usagi-san? I guess. Maybe he can help. I hate to cause him trouble but he has reliable people.."
Takahiro decided to give him a call.
BEEP-
Hana sighed as she put the phone away, although she didn't think breaking the news to Misaki's brother that his brother was gone was going to be easy.
"It's not like I'm his bodyguard or babysitter," She thought to herself, putting her hair in a ponytail. Leaving the apartment she left to a local café near Misaki's area.
PandasTreat
Ring! "welcome to PandasTreat!"
Placing her bag down, and sitting at a small table for two. Taking her phone out she texted Takahiro.
"I'm meeting up with a detective right now, I'll give you any information. I know it's hard but please have hope we'll find him"
Sent just now^
A man appeared
"You are Ms. Hana, correct?" "I'm detective Phil"
Detective Phil has a weird name. Though he was foreign. "Yes, it's nice to meet you, detective."
"So, quite early for an investigation don't you think?" The man places a notepad down as he took a pen from his pocket.
"Well, Misaki isn't one to run off. Besides with the murder case that aired, I think it's only reasonable Misaki didn't run."
"Do you think he ran because of the murder? Maybe he-"
"NO." Hana slammed her hand on the table.
"um. I'm sorry. I'm sick of people thinking Misaki would run or even do such a thing." "You see, I took him home that night, and saw him the next day walking home from the train station. He took me to his place to drink tea and that's when I got the call from Kirishima about the incident" Hana looked down, she did miss the kid. Worried sick about him.
"Do you know why he came from the station?"
Still writing in his notepad, stopping every once in a while.
"He was simply saying goodbye to his brother. He's a sweet kid. Wouldn't hurt a fly." The detective wrote down every word she spoke.
"Right, you are aware Misaki has some... Mental issues?" Looking up at Hana-san, his glasses below his eyes.
"Yes well. He's doing better. Misaki has nothing to do with the murder you already caught the guy but he.." She didn't want to mention suicide, it was a tough subject for her.
"Ma'am, I understand you're worried. You had a son right? 3 years ago, he went missing too." what was he going with this? Did it even matter?
"I don't think that concerns you, nor does it have anything to do with Misaki. Look I just want you to find him, he was fine just a few days ago and now he's missing."
Everyone was worried for the boy but nobody knew where he went last. That was until the police found his recent calls, there Todo was. The call had ended around the time Misaki's phone was turned off. He was probably already talked to, but I needed to talk to him. I needed to know.
"Misaki, he. He lost his parents long ago, I believe I'm like a mother to him or perhaps he's like a son to me. He may not look like him but his personality reminds me a lot of my boy."
The detective placed his notepad down and listened.
"I just, really don't want to find him the way my son was found. It's the same situation, I left my son home alone for a quick grocery run. I came back and he was gone."
Once she was finished the man grabbed his notepad. "We shouldn't blame ourselves for something we had no control over. People working on an investigation often feel that maybe if they found the person sooner they would still be alive today. Trying is just as important as success."
Hana gave a slight smile before nodding. "Do you know what he wore before he went missing?" The man continued his questions.
"He wore a pink short-sleeved hoodie and sage green knee-lengthened cargo pants, he also had a coat on.." Feeling as though something was missing I tried to remember... "Oh! He always wears this 'The Kan' handmade bracelet a fan gifted him."
Writing it down he continued to ask questions, soon it was over and they parted ways.
I know I should've left the whole thing up to the police but I still couldn't help but feel as if I had to do something than just answer questions and be a fucking witness. Hana thought to herself, walking the way Misaki would take to get to his house. He was acting weird the night of the performance and.. "wasn't he going to tell me something?".
Clink
The wind was strong. "maybe a storm?" I passed by BearMart, and the bright neon words flickered. Looking towards the store window I noticed something in the corner, a bracelet of some kind constantly hitting the window as it was blown by the wind.
My heart jumped, this isn't what I thought it was.
Carefully I kneeled and picked up the bracelet. It was Misaki's, it had to be. I knew it, I began running towards Misaki's house. Todo has to know something I just need to find his number. Misaki always wrote numbers down on a notepad, I can't trust the police to find Misaki when they already suspect him of being a murderer plus if this has been here since that night how come they hadn't seen it?
Arriving at the small home I grabbed a key under the mat and made my way inside. It didn't feel right being in here, the air was thin and cold. I realized a lot of things were misplaced, I walked towards the small desk where he had a home phone and notepad. Quickly I flipped through until I found "Todo's number".
Quickly I typed the number into my phone and saved the contact. I continued to look around, many things were scattered around the floor. Walking into Misaki's room it was the messiest of all, shelves were unorganized with many things missing. The turtle in the tank was also among the missing items, I looked under Misaki's bed where I found many scattered papers. "These look like Misaki's handwriting.
Looking through the ripped notebook papers, "The man with purple eyes follows". Many drawings and writing messily scribbled across the papers, drawings of a tall man with grey hair and purple eyes.
It clicked to me, it was that guy he was always so anxious about. I should've listened, I just thought he was exaggerating. This is my fault, I should've stayed and listened, no Misaki should've obliged and stayed home.
I slumped onto the floor and dialed Todo, I'd heard about him before. He often comes backstage to see Misaki or hangs out with him, he had to know something.
Ring…
Pick up..please pick up...
2 or 3 days it's been since I was captured into this hell hole.
Constant touching, kissing, hugging, and practically slobbering all over me. The only times I was able to be alone was in the bathroom and if I took more than 15 minutes the door would be abused with knocks from the author. Though besides invading my personal space it seems he hasn't tried anything since last time, "Jerk better have learned his lesson".
Walking downstairs I was met with many eyes on me, well camera eyes. This morning Usami had left for some business meeting apparently while I overslept, I've been doing that a lot since I was forced here.
I stopped at the end of the stairs, the door was open. That's odd that's very odd. Is this a trick? A test? Well, I'm not stupid if he thinks I'd fall for that, but still. Was this a chance from god?
Hesitantly I walked towards the door, I hand grabbed the door knob and forced myself to close it. Right when I did that the door swung open, surprised I fell back onto the ground, eyes wide. A cold yet relieving sweat ran down my forehead, it was a trick and I didn't fall for it.
"I'm so glad to know you are obedient Misaki" "I should treat you then right?" Usagi kneeled and gave a quick peck on my nose before grabbing my chin. "What do you want? I'll give you anything"
"I want to leave" I bit back, standing up I glared at the man. Testing if he'd let me.
"Of course, but please know you'd have to keep low. Many people are looking for you, you know?" He turned away "How about tomorrow, we'll go to the aquarium. It'll be our first date Misaki"
He smiled, locking the door before heading to his office.
"yeah right" disappointed I walked to the tv and turned it on. It's a big home but all I've been doing is watching tv and sleeping. He won't even let me read any book that wasn't written by the great lord Usagi.
RING RING
I heard the phone ringing from upstairs, ever since I tried to call somebody the phone downstairs cord was cut off. Now there was the only one available, in his office.
"Hey, Takahiro" my heart stopped, Ni-Chan?
I quickly but quietly ran upstairs, putting my ear to the office. "Of course, you can come over, I'll just have to clean give me about an hour. I'm so sorry about your brother Takahiro." "Bye"
The phone hung up that was my cue to leave. I sped walked to my room where I pretend to have just opened the door, "Misaki. Come follow me"
What was he going to do? Grabbing my wrist I pulled back
"Where are we going?"
The man turned to look at me, "you need to stay quiet for the next few hours, but I doubt you'll do that. You overheard the call didn't you?" he gripped my wrists and forced me into a room I'd never been in before.
"you-you can't do this! I want to see my brother at least let me talk to him please!" He was too strong, upon opening the door my eyes widened.
The room had a single bed with chains around it.
"W-wait!" He threw me onto the bed and straddled me, reaching for the chains he began locking me onto to the firm bed frame.
Begging, "Wait! Don't you trust me? If, if we are going to be together don't we need trust? What if I just stay in my room?" he stopped. Staring at me suspiciously, "well, I don't see why I should trust you. Didn't you try running before?"
waiting for my response.
"Yes but- but that was the first day! Look I've been here for 2 days now and I haven't tried to leave!" I tugged at the only chain to my left hand.
"Not that I know of" he grabbed my right wrist and tried to chain it to the bed. I had to think fast.
"I promise! I won't do anything I'm- I'm scared to be in this room!" still holding my hands Akihiko stared at me for what seemed like a minute before he said, "are you scared of me or the room?"
"of… I'm scared of.." I froze, "I'm not scared of you Usagi" that's right just be nice to him. He'll let me go and trust me more if I do after all.
"You should be"
"You won't make noises right? Pinky promise?" the man spoke.
"no-no I won't.
He placed his pinky to mine, I wrapped my finger around his as he squeezed it tight.
Quickly he locked and gagged me up to my surprise and left the room leaving me speechless.
I guess I'll be here for a while, at least he didn't tie my legs, though I doubt it makes a difference, in such a big home the room seems secluded and dark, which makes me feel claustrophobic.
There's no point in panicking, it'll just drain me out. I need to find a way to let Ni-Chan know I'm here or at least make the author look suspicious. Though Ni-Chan has always been well.. clueless?
My poor Misaki has to be in such a dark room, but it's for the best. He's a smart boy so this is what I have to do for now until he finally sees we're meant for each other, once he does I can pretend to "find" him and I'll convince Takahiro to let him stay with me so nothing like that happens again. During that time we will date and after a few years we can tell his brother were together, it'll simply be a sweet love story.
That is for the future though, right now I need to tend to his distraught brother.
If I make myself reliable I can risk my chances of being suspected, though if I were I can just buy their silence there's always one moral mind in the patch of the corrupted police force.
I began to clean up, well throw as much as I can into the unused closet. Making sure to clear any signs of Misaki being here, then I made myself a cup of coffee when the doorbell suddenly rang.
I got up, glancing suspiciously at the door locking Misaki away, oh how much I already missed him. His beautiful eyes, soft hair, and cute feisty attitude.
Opening the door I let Takahiro in where I listened to his rants about his poor missing brother, if only I felt bad for him then maybe I would let him go. But I don't.
"I just wish I would've called him, or maybe walked him home instead, but I didn't. He waved me goodbye for the last time, oh I can't believe I said 'last time'. I have to have hope he's alive."
Sipping my coffee, "He's alive Takahiro."
"Usagi, how do you know?"
Placing the mug down, "I have hope."
Takahiro took the answer and smiled, "you've never been wrong Usagi."
"I just hope no one is keeping him for ransom money you know? He's a famous idol and many people could be onto him, they could have him locked up right now-"
CRASH
Startled my head jerked towards the door Misaki was locked behind, anxiety and anger rushed through my veins. 'I must keep my cool..' eyeing a worried Taka I spoke up.
"a bunny"
His expression changed from worried to confused, "what?"
"I bought a bunny, he's quite loud. Would you like to see him?"
"ah... Yes of course."
We walked up the stairs, I tried to keep my eyes from staring at the room. Walking to Misaki's room I placed my hand on the knob. Looking back at Takahiro, "the room is messy and smells too. Wait here"
He agreed as his eyes looked around the penthouse.
Opening the door I closed it shut, taking the bunny out of the cage I heard a thump across the hallway. It took a lot in me to just barge into the locked room and punish him, but I had a guest to attend to.
The bunny is calm and has been tamed for a few days now. I'm glad he's taking a liking to me, unlike Misaki...
To my surprise, Takahiro was no longer standing where he once was. Turning my head it was no surprise he was in front of the locked door, his eyes filled with worry as his hand gripped the locked doorknob.
"Misaki" desperation in his whisper
"Why are you over there Takahiro? Don't you want to see Mr. Unagi?" Misaki had named him, holding the bunny up I innocently smiled.
Takahiro took a glimpse at the bunny, unamused he sternly spoke. "Usagi the noise wasn't coming from that room, it came from this one. Why don't you open the door?"
I frowned, hugging the bunny to my chest I walked over to the man who had his head up high, though it was obvious it was all an act.
"I know you want your brother, I let you into my home to talk to you about it no?" "To think you accuse me of such a thing is quite offending, to say the least, this room is locked for reasons that don't concern you."
Takahiro interrupted, "but the noise"
"the penthouse is big and spacious, I'm not one for decorations so the place echoes a lot. I assure you the noise is from my sweet little guy here"
We both stared at each other for what seemed like too long for my liking, finally, Takahiro sighed. Looking at me painfully,
"I'm sorry Usagi I just, I can't stop thinking about him. The bunny is cute but I think I'll be heading home now sorry for the trouble."
As soon as I heard the front door close and lock, assuring me he left. Running to Misaki's room I left the bunny in its cage before going to the locked room once more.
Fetching my keys out I jammed them into the lock and swung the door open.
There Misaki laid, a chair and a glass of water scattered on the floor as Misaki glared at me. He wasn't even surprised I came in so quickly huh?
"I knew I couldn't trust you just yet brat" I shut the door.
"Same goes for you, asshole." he barked back.
That brat had managed to remove the gag, I'll make sure to secure it next time, or this time.
"I've never punished you before huh?" I walked to the desk, opening the drawer Misaki looked at me curiously.
Pulling out a pocket knife I flipped it open, looking at the now startled boy. "There's a first time to everything right?"
"Um, hello?"
I jumped and sighed in relief, Todo had picked up.
"Ah yes, you are Todo, right? Misaki's best friend?" I was hesitant my guts knotted as I thought of using "were Misaki's best friend".
His voice was taken aback and defensive, "who's asking?". Right, I forgot to introduce myself, I've been so caught up in just wanting to know everything now I forgot I was an anonymous asking a man about his missing friend.
"R-right sorry, I'm Hana-san. Misaki's manager-"
Interrupting, the boy yelled "HANA? Oh! I've been wanting to talk to you."
"oh? Me too, you see I heard you were the last to talk to Misaki." I sat on Misaki's bed, pushing my glasses up I looked for a notebook. I didn't want to miss a single thing he said.
"I heard you were last to see him, ma'am. I can tell you everything I know." Shuffling was heard in the background he spoke up but this time it was my turn to interrupt him.
"How do you know I'm his Manager?" Some boys can be quite naïve.
"Well, he has mentioned your name. Plus he called you using my phone once so I have your number on my recent calls."
"Right, sorry continue."
"Well, I called Misaki to congratulate him on his concert that night, I had wished I would've gone. Now I wish I went more than ever." He paused taking a deep breath as I used it as an opportunity to continue writing.
"What time was this?" I asked
"Um, around 9:40 to 10 at night." continued, "He was paying for his groceries, I'm not sure what he bought or why he went out so late but we started talking about 'The Kan'."
I recognized that name, it was Misaki's favorite TV show, he even got an autograph from the mangaka too. My stomach turned, missing him even more my heart felt hollow.
"I had the tv playing in the back when I saw Misaki's concert pop up. I took a glance to realize it was a murder scene, so I told Misaki about it. I told him to call you and get home fast and safe.."
Pausing for a bit, "he seemed startled, a few moments later he said he wasn't feeling well. I expected him to hang up but when I wished him well he didn't answer, I heard loud steps and a thump before the phone made a cracking sound. I heard a car door shut before footsteps were heard once more and the phone hung up."
I had stopped writing, I was so caught up in the shock my pen stopped moving. So he was abducted, this proves it.
"OH! He was at BearMart." Todo chirped.
BearMart… of course. Where else would he get his groceries? He only goes there.
"So, what happened between you and Misaki?" Todo asked, waiting eagerly for a response.
"what? Oh um, we bumped into each other as he was coming back from dropping his brother at the station. He's moving, um. We went back to his place and he gave me tea, but then I got a call about an incident backstage so I left." guilt and anxiety poured from my heart to my stomach.
"He, He was going to tell me something Todo," I said these words with guilt and emptiness, not even realizing I said it at all.
"what was he saying?"
"I. I didn't let him finish, I left. But he said he had a nightmare about a stalker...A STALKER!" My mind was rushed with memories of the man Misaki always talked about. Usami Akihiko, better known as the purple-eyed man to Misaki. Before Todo could respond I told him I'd call him back and hung up, saving the contact in my phone.
I ran out of the house and towards BearMart once more. Maybe a worker saw him, as I walked to the grocery store I decided to give Takahiro a call.
Ring-
Instantly the phone picked up, and Takahiro answered sounding anxious for answers.
"Yes hi Takahiro, I found a bit more about the night Misaki went missing. He was at BearMart and on a call with his friend, he claims it was an abduction. Misaki didn't run, he was taken. I'm on my way to BearMart right now, I need you to give me Usami Akihiko's number."
"Why do you need Usagi's number?" Takahiro sounded taken aback.
Usagi? Perhaps a nickname...
"I just want contact to anyone Misaki may know, nothing serious Takahiro." God, just give me the number.
Reluctantly he agreed and I saved Usami's contact, I stopped right in front of the small cozy store. Adrenaline and anxiety formed in my throat as a lump.
Opening the glass door I was welcomed with yellow tinted lights and a familiar scent of coffee, the store had a small coffee station many customers used. Misaki sometimes stopped by there for a drink.
Misaki…
Looking around I ignored the paths of food and drinks, all set up with small yellow stickers, numbers scribbled onto them.
"Welcome to BearMart!"
I turned to an exhausted-looking worker, the smile so obviously faked. Walking over to the man I was met with a sigh. "how can I help you?"
"You heard of Misaki Takahashi?" I asked
The man's eyes widened, "I'm guessing you do."
"I have a few questions to ask you, sir, did you or anyone work a night shift a few nights ago?"
I looked down at the man's tag. 'Yuito'
The man spoke up, "I um. I was as working the night shift that n-night. I saw him."
"He looked fine. Nothing out of the ordinary, I know it's weird to rant but. I needed to get this out of my head, the police aren't asking enough and aren't searching enough."
"Everything was normal, I had already received an autograph from him. He always came to this place, always the same groceries."
He looked at me, "You, you are his manager. Am I right?"
I am not surprised he knew me, "Yes, that's right.. Yuito."
"That's all I know, except. There was a red expensive looking car outside, Takahashi stopped and stared at it for a few seconds before leaving. You are not allowed to park by the sidewalk here, the nearest parking space is 10 minutes away. They didn't get out of the car, but when the kid left it suddenly started moving. After that I didn't see him, he had already walked away from the store windows. After a few minutes, I saw the car turn back."
"I thought it was weird, but I didn't think much since it was an expensive car so I assumed it was his driver or something." The worker looked at me, guilt in his eyes. "I shouldn't blame myself for what happened, but I live knowing he was right there. I was nearby him yet he probably felt so alone."
"Yuito! Enough with the small talk get to work!" A first woman yelled from across, startling us both.
"Right, yes ma'am." He turned me once more, "I hope you find him, I miss scanning the stacks of comics he would buy." Gently smiling the man walked off.
Red sports car. There was no doubt in my mind, one person kept ringing in my ear. "Usami Akihiko"
Turning to leave I had enough, picking up my phone I dialed the numbers Takahiro gave me.
Ring Ring
"Akihiko Residence"
"Tinkut road by the train tracks"
It was a secluded place.
"Excuse me? Who's speaking?"
"Misaki's Manager, I have something I need to tell you."
Silence.
"Right, 10pm tonight"
"I'll be looking forward to it" Hanging up the phone I headed home.
"Stupid stupid woman" I whispered, I walked up to the stairs. My Misaki is waiting for me, holding a lighter on my left.
"Misaki~, are you ready?" Walking into the dimmed room I saw the precious boy.
"Aw, no need to cry."
Tied to the bed, clothes were scattered onto the floor, and only boxers were left. He laid there, bite marks all over the precious pale skin. Sweat and tears flowed down the boy's cheek and chest. Whimpering can be heard through the gag.
"Shhh" Walking over to the boy I grabbed the pocket knife, holding the lighter to the blade I let the heat seep into the metallic tool.
"I would never hurt you"
The blade turned red and black, steam leaving. "If you cooperate it won't happen again."
Bringing myself on top of the boy he began squirming, attempting to beg behind the gag. "now, stay still"
The blade easily cut through his arm, moving across. Careful not to cut too deep, or too long.
Muffled yells filled the cold air.
Red crimson blood slowly poured down from the wound, it was beautiful. He was beautiful. Making small wounds down the body I was careful not to make serious injuries, but I bet it still hurt.
It didn't last long, though I'm sure to him it lasted forever. A long time, spending quality time with me. I leaned forward, my left holding his right wrist. I place the blade to his pinky,
"You broke the pinky promise we made."
Skin, flesh, bone, and tissue were ripped.
The blade severing the pinky, now you could hear the screams of the boy. It sounded amazing, so vulnerable and precious. I grabbed the pinky and placed it on the table, getting up I grabbed a towel and pressed it against the wound. Blood flowed into the expensive towel. White turned into red.
I leaned forward once more, kissing the boy on the forehead. Of course, he flinched, it angered me. I think this is enough punishment for now though. I tied the towel around the shaking hand.
Leaving the room I walked to the medical kit before going back.
Angry tearful eyes welcomed me in, smiling I wrapped the bandage around any cuts and cleaned the wounds. "Look, I'm tending to your wounds" I whispered, loud enough for him to hear.
He scoffed before wincing in pain.
10 pm came slower than I liked. I came half an hour early, it was dark and chilly.
Soon I saw headlights from up the hill, a car door slamming, and leaves crunching.
Checking the time "9:58 pm" That was him, I hugged myself. Wearing a long black cloak and black boots I had my hair loose.
Like a perfect entrance in a movie, he appeared before me, the moon slightly looming over him as the wind dramatically blew his hair. I scoffed.
"You wanted to tell me something, no?"
I hitched, "yes." taking a deep breath, "I know you had something to do with Misaki's disappearance. Whether you took him, gave him away, or still have him. I know it was you bastard."
"Ouch, I'm wounded by you. Such a huge accusation and I've only met you once at the wedding and just so you know, I've only encountered Misaki twice." the man took out a cigarette, lighting it.
"and when was that?" I wasn't going to let this asshole trick me.
"why does it matter?" he walked closer, puffing the smoke out into the cool air.
Stepping back I held my head high, "if you had nothing to do with it why not tell me?"
He thought for a second, "Once at Takahiro's apartment and once at the wedding."
I grimaced, "I know you've been following him, he would never shut up about you"
His eyes widened and a slight smile curved itself onto his face, "he talked about me?"
"Ye-yes. Just, tell me where he is before I call the authorities." reaching into my pocket was a kitchen knife I brought from home.
"mm, why would I give you something I don't have?" smiling he looked behind me. 2 dotted lights ahead.
"I KNOW YOU HAVE HIM ASSHOLE!" Maybe I was acting childish for accusing him, but I needed him back.
"mm, I do. I indeed do have him. He belongs to me. Only me." that smug confident look on his face angered me.
The train tracks began rattling as a horn could be heard from afar. His eyes flickered behind me once more.
I jumped at him, and he and I tumbled to the ground. Attempting to stab him I plunged the knife into his chest but he caught it in time. Sly prick.
The knife scattered to the ground, covered by orange crunchy leaves autumn had left behind.
We both desperately reached for the weapon, and a catfight began as we fought, rolling around the ground. The annoying train coming closer by the second.
"I HATE YOU. GIVE ME BACK MY MISAKI"
Suddenly I was thrown to the edge of the tracks, the man got up and picked me up once more. "Your Misaki?" glaring at me, then smiled.
"May you end up in any place you believe in."
The world spun, and the sky glimpsed for a second before I hit the tracks. Dirt stuck to my lipstick, my head became fuzzy. Arms laid together as my body curled up, it was cold.
The force of the metal track brought me to a dizzy confused state, for a second. I heard the wind, whispering. Turning my body I was met with bright lights, and the wind's sound snapped by a loud horn.
The train's light blinded my view, but for a quick second, I saw a figure walking away. Oh, I failed once more. I'm so sorry Misaki.
I'm so deeply sorry.
"Mommy!"
"yes, honey?"
"Can we go to the park? I want to catch frogs by the pond!"
"Of course dear"
"yay! You're the best mom in the world, I love you!"
"I love you to-"
CRUSH.
The pain was just for a second. Soon it became silent, and everything left me. So this is what it feels like to die.
