I left the academy grounds. Down the streets, across the great plazas, I passed through one of the massive gates and a single step took me out of gleaming Seireitei and into dusty Rukongai. Some people offered greetings to the passing shinigami. I never responded. In honesty, I never really noticed them. I just kept walking.

Crowds thinned. There were fewer and fewer houses along my path. And then I was alone, stopping without notice. For the first time since I'd left the academy, my eyes focused on what was in front of me, and I looked down to see water lapping over my feet. Another minute, and I'd have been in the middle of a lake.

It was just after sundown. I had no idea how long I'd been walking, or even where I was.

"It's nice…"

The stars were out, without a single cloud to ruin the view. There was a full moon reflected clearly on the water's surface, water lilies and wildflowers all around me. The only sounds were the chirping of insects and the rustle of my robes as I turned away from the water's edge and sat down beneath a large willow, resting my zanpakutou across my legs.

"Yeah…nothing like this in the city…"

I was hungry, and I rubbed my protesting stomach.

"I wonder if dinner's…nah, to late. Mom's probably…"

Worried?

Angry!

Dead.

Gone…

"Oh…I forgot…I'm a shinigami now."

I picked up my zanpakutou, wrapping my arms around it, my cheek resting on the hilt. I was so tired…I'd come all this way, but for what? A sword? A robe? Just to be able to call myself a shinigami? I had all those things. But it wasn't what I wanted.

I…

I didn't know what I wanted.

Don't you?

"No…"

Sure you do…you've always known. You just let things drag you down.

"I did?"

Yeah! Don't you remember?

"I…I think I wanted to…"

The ground shook and my head snapped upwards. The water rippled with an unseen disturbance, and I stumbled to my feet as a chill washed over me. But it hadn't been from hunger, from inside me.

No. It had been hunger. But it was from outside, from-

I rolled to the side as something shot out of the lake and shattered the tree I had been leaning against a moment before.

"Hollow!"

A withered hand, bristling with thorns, grabbed at the shoreline and pulled the body into view. It was thick and heavy, hunchbacked and wearing a shell ringed with waving tentacles. I had my blade in my hands and was down in a stance in a moment before it's reiatsu washed over me and I knew there was no way I could beat this thing.

I ran.

"Come back, shinigami..."

I stopped.

Why?

What was the point?

I couldn't escape, no matter how hard I tried, and I knew it. So I turned back to the thing behind me, settling back into my favorite combat stance.

Huh…what'd you know…did you figure it out?

"No. I just…"

Just what?

"I just know I didn't want THAT!"

I charged head-on. The beast shrieked in glee and ran forward to meet me. I ducked the first swing and slashed its leg as I passed, not making the tiniest wound. A pair on tendrils lashed downwards at me once I was behind it, and I jabbed the tip of my zanpakutou into the ground, cart-wheeling my legs out of the way and continuing on, ducking behind a tree.

"Little shinigami…so weak…"

He's right. We can't hurt him. Why aren't you running?

"Because! Because it's a hollow!"

Hollows. Souls that were evil to the core in life, taking on a fitting shape upon their death. A stroke of a blade sending them to hell for the pain they caused. Souls that had been wounded, touched by corruption, unable to control themselves, unable to keep from harming others even as they prayed for release.

"Either way…it's right there…I can't just ignore it…"

I didn't understand any of this. Really. Not myself, not the things I did or why I did them.

'Cause you're not doing what you want…

I ducked and rolled away as the tree behind me was felled. I headed deeper into the forest, trying to use the trees as cover even as gray flesh lanced out and shredded the wood around me.

You're doing what you've been forced to…what you felt you hadto.

"I did want to become a shinigami…"

Yeah, but WHY?

"Because…When I was young…everything I saw…everything I wanted to do…then just…stuff, and school, and work and all that crap…and my parents…and then the shinigami I met..."

You're wrong. That's not it.

"Yeah…you're right. I could of…but I never did it. I forgot about it…and did what everyone else wanted…"

Nice guys finish last, huh?

"I guess…I felt like I had all these obligations…stupid little things, really…"

Behind me, the hollow approached.

That was it. Right there. After my parents had died, I had lived alone, without anyone to support me. I did everything, because I was the only one who could do them. After that, everything was up to me. I had to decide everything for myself; I had to take on responsibilities and duties I'd never had before. I had to leave so many things behind, things I loved. They were childish, maybe, but every little game I played, every little dream I had, that was who I was. And in the rush to adulthood, I'd left them all behind, left them to gather dust without realizing any of them.

But I hadn't been growing up. I'd been growing old. And they were two completely different things…

The hollow's arm crashed down and hit nothing but air. A foot lashed out and cracked its mask, sending it stumbling back in shock.

"What I want…is just…to do what I want. I wanted to be a shinigami. I might not know why, exactly, but that doesn't matter!"

Then tell me what you want. C'mon! Death's too short for regrets!

"I…"

C'mon! One thing! Name it! To hell with what anyone else says or thinks!

A woman. Not loud or buxom, just a beauty that draws your gaze and this unknowable quality that catches you so quietly you're in love before you know it.

There was a low whistle in the back of my mind.

Not bad…but aiming a little high, aren't you? You think you can reach someone like that?

"I honestly don't know…but I bet I'll have a hell of a time finding out!"

The hollow was roaring. I'd made it mad. The feeling of cold intensified, and more masks appeared in the forest around me.

Whoooaaaahh! It's a party!

I lifted my zanpakutou above my head, letting the blade catch the moonlight. I saw another mask reflected in it, not that of a hollow, but loud and whimsical, painted bright with laughter and mirth.

"If it's a party, then let's dance!"

My blade shined, growing and twisting, even as the hollows charged in. Long and warped, a wavy stick, pale grey and mottled like a bone coming to rest over my shoulders, bright sashes and ribbons tied to it in a riot of colors.

"Dance!"

The bone bled, a crimson blade taking form, the massive scythe casting a long shadow.

"Sanguine Jester!"

I finally realized it. I had dragged myself down, forgotten what was important to me. All I ever wanted was to just live my life the way I wanted. To do the things I wanted. It wouldn't have mattered if I'd ever met the shinigami or not. They'd opened new doors for me…fighting hollows…working as the ghostwriter…but all of it was my choice, done my way, and in tune with my true nature. I'd just needed a little kick-start to get me back on the right track. Damn, if I didn't have a lot of lost time and opportunities to make up for.

The woods were torn apart around me as the hollows screamed as one and clamored towards me.

"And since I haven't gone full-out in so long…"

The scythe hummed in my hand, the colorful wrapping trailing behind it as I tested its weight and balance with an easy swing that split an advancing hollow in twain.

"This'll make for a nice little warm-up."