The One With Mrs. Conrad

[Scene: A Street: Emily and Fat Amy are walking to a newsstand.]

Emily: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?

Fat Amy: Why?

Emily: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.

Fat Amy: Oh my God. (Grabs Emily and turns her away) Emily. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.

Emily: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, Mamma Mia.

Fat Amy: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

(The guy walks past them)

Guy: Nice hat.

Fat Amy and Emily: (in unison) Thanks.

(The guy walks on)

Fat Amy: We should do something. Whistle.

Emily: I don't think so if it's a good idea and my mom says...

Fat Amy: Come on, do it.

Emily: No!

Fat Amy: Do it!

Emily: No!

Fat Amy: Do it do it do it!

Emily: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!

(The guy turns round, startled. Emily points to Fat Amy. The guy gets hit by a truck)

Fat Amy: I can't believe you did that!

[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Fat Amy and Emily are visiting.]

Emily: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?

Fat Amy: I knew you were the dumbest person alive . (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!

Emily: Amy, what are you doing?

Fat Amy: Maybe nobody's tried this.

Emily: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.

Fat Amy: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.

Emily: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!

Fat Amy: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.

Emily: I wish all guys could be like him.

Fat Amy: I know.

[Scene: Bella's Residency, Emily and Fat Amy are telling everyone about their coma guy.]

Aubrey: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?

Emily: He doesn't have anyone.

Fat Amy: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible. Technically I'm less responsible than her.

Emily: Hey! You said to whistle.

Jessica: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.

Flo: In our country there's belief that turning back while walking is not good.

Lily*whispers* there's always a Damon behind you

Chloe: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)

Gail : (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Joanna carlos Conrad. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.

(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Stacie)

Stacie: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.

Beca: No way, forget it.

Cynthia: C'mon, she's your mom!

Stacie: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?

Chloe: Stace, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!

Stacie: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'

Aubrey: C'mon, Stacie, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.

Stacie: You can say that because she's not your mom.

Aubrey: Oh, please...

(Beca opens the door to Kommisar)

Kommisar: Guten Tag.

Beca: Oh, hi. (They kiss)

Chloe: When did German shepherd get back from hell?

Jessica and Ashley: (in unison) Last night.

( Everyone looks at them again)

Chloe: Ah, so then her plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.

Flo: Hey hey hey! She's on!

Kommisar: Ah! Joanna Conrad!

Gail: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?

Beca: Your mom was arrested?

Stacie: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.

Mrs. Conrad: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...

Stacie: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?

All: Shhh.

Mrs. Conrad: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.

Stacie: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!

Gail: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?

Mrs. Conrad: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my daughter, who I love...

All: Awww!

Stacie: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

Gail: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...

Mrs. Conrad: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my daughter her first vibrator.

(The gang turn to look at Stacie)

Stacie: ...well that's true though.

[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Fat Amy and Emily's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background. It starts with Emily reading a newspaper to him.]

Emily: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.

[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Fat Amy knitting a weird sweater, then Emily singing, then Fat Amy shaving him and chatting to Emily]

Emily: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.

Fat Amy: Nah... not-not special enough.

Emily: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?

Fat Amy: Waaay too special.

[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Aubrey, Cynthia, Jessica, Ashley, Flo, lily Stacie and his mom are there.]

Mrs. Conrad: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Stacie's menu)

Stacie: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.

Mrs. Conrad: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?

Stacie: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.

Chloe: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.

Mrs. Conrad: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.

Stacie: I know I am.

Mrs. Conrad: Who's doing shots?

Jessica and Ashley: Yeah.

Flo: I'm in.

Cynthia: hell ya!!

Aubrey: Isn't this too early??

Mrs. Conrad: There y'go. Chloe?

Chloe: Uh, I'm not really feeling it.

(Enter Beca and Kommisar. They are both somewhat flustered)

Beca: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time.

Chloe: ...But a feelins can change. (Downs a shot)

[Time lapse. Chloe is now clearly drunk. She is holding up a shot glass to her eye like a jeweller's eye.]

Chloe: Anyone want me to appraise anything?

(Beca feeds something to Kommisar. She eats it and licks her hand)

Aubrey: Mrs. Conrad, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.

Mrs. Conrad: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.

Stacie: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to Mrs. Conrad on the telephone.]

Mrs. Conrad: Yeah, any messages for room 226?

(Chloe emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicos')

Mrs. Conrad: You okay there, slugger?

Chloe: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A man emerges from the toilet behind her and she tries to pretend she was in the other one)

Mrs. Conrad: What is with you tonight?

Chloe: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

Mrs. Conrad: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Chloe) It's the German Hand-Licker, isn't it.

Chloe: No. It's the one she's licking.

Mrs. Conrad: She's supposed to be with you.

Chloe: You're good.

Mrs. Conrad: Oh, Chloe, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?

Chloe: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

Mrs. Conrad: No. Because I know how to write men or women that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Kommisar. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Kommisar. C'mon, the lady's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.

Chloe: When?

Mrs. Conrad: she's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.

Chloe: The gal on the cover with her nipples showing?

Mrs. Conrad: No, it's you!

Chloe: Please.

Mrs. Conrad: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy, you're tall...

Chloe: Right.

Mrs. Conrad: You are gonna be fine, believe me.

(She kisses her on the cheek)

Chloe: Uh-oh...

(...Then full on the mouth)

(Enter Aubrey)

Aubrey: What is happening here?

Both: Nothing. (At the sam time)

[Scene: Bella's Residency, the next morning. Aubrey is getting the door in common dressing gown—it's Chloe.]

Chloe: Hey, is Stacie home?

Aubrey: Yeah.

(Chloe drags Aubrey into the common bathroom and slams the door)

Chloe: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Stacie.. you didn't tell... (Aubrey shakes her head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Stacie, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?

Aubrey: Right. No big deal.

Chloe: Okay.

Aubrey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the rule!

Chloe: oh come on please don't do this now.

Aubrey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters, cousins are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!

(Stacie enters in hall and startles them. She picks up the paper and sees bathroom door shut with Chloe and Aubrey's towels just outside the door)

Stacie: What are you guys doing inside?

Chloe: Uh.. uh.. Well, bree and I had an important early morning meeting and we overslept so we are finishing early morning routine together.

Aubrey: Yeah, well, you didn''t set up your alarm.

Chloe: No, no I don't, because it's was broken, somebody was supposed to set one.

Aubrey: Yeah, well you didn't remind me to set clock.

Stacie: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back outside and shuts the door)

Chloe: Okay, I'm shit, I'm shit.

Aubrey: Chlo, how could you let this happen?

Chloe: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...

Aubrey: You don't think my mom's sexy?

Chloe: Well... not in the same way...

Aubrey: I'll have you know that Alexis posen was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to Four children?

Chloe: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...

(Beca's door opens and Beca and Kommisar emerge at the same time Aubrey and Chloe emerges from bathroom)

Beca: Hey.

Chloe: Hey.

Beca: What were you guys inside together?

Chloe: Well, not having emergency meeting!

Aubrey: She forgot to set alarm!

Chloe: she didn't remind me!

Beca: Well,sounds like you two have issues.

(She and Kommisar walk outside )

Beca: Goodbye.

Kommisar: tschüss.

(They kiss. Chloe is watching them from window)

Chloe: Do they wait for me to do this?

(Aubrey and Chloe outside Stacie's door in middle of the hallway)

Aubrey: So are you gonna tell her?

Chloe: Why would I tell her?

Aubrey: How about 'cause if you don't, her mother might.

Chloe: Oh...

Jessica and Ashley: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?

Chloe: Uhhhh... She's not on her period!

Ashley: ...What did we ask?

[Scene: Hospital. Emily is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Fat Amy enters with a bunch of balloons.]

Fat Amy: Hi.

Emily: Hi.

Fat Amy: What are you doing here?

Emily: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?

Fat Amy: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?

Emily: No. (Fat Amy brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?

Fat Amy: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.

Emily: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)

[Scene: Stacie's room, Chloe is talking to Stacie. Aubrey is trying to clean the Messy room.]

Stacie: Oh my God.

Chloe: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.

Stacie: I can't believe it. Kommisar kissed my mom?

Chloe: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but she had a lot to drink, and you know how she gets when she's drun..uh... (She has caught sight of Aubrey scowling at her) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.

Stacie: What?

Chloe: I was really upset about Beca and Kommisar, and I think I had too much tequila, and Joanna- um, Mrs. Mom- your Conrad- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Aubrey, she uh, came in-

Stacie: (To Aubrey) You knew about this?

Aubrey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Stacie: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!

Aubrey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.

Chloe: Thanks, bestie, big help.

Stacie: (To Chloe) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?

Chloe: I wasn't- I mean, I-

Stacie: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.

Chloe: I know-

Stacie: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)

Chloe: Stacie-

Aubrey: Me neither, y'know what-

Stacie: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.

Aubrey: What are you mad at me for?!

Chloe: Stacie-

Stacie: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)

Aubrey: (Shouting after her) Stacie, I didn't kiss her, she did! (To Chloe) See what happens when you break the rule?

Chloe: Aubrey-

Aubrey: No! (Points to door) wait? (Leaves and slams the door)

[Scene: Pitch perfect cafe, everyone is there except for Stacie. Beca is writing something and Cynthia walks up.]

Cynthia: Hey.

Beca: Hey.

Cynthia: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Beca Grace Mitchell'.

Beca: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?

Cynthia: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.

Emily: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Amu.

Fat Amy: Hey.

Emily: Hello.

Fat Amy: Hello.

Emily: Going to the hospital tonight?

Fat Amy: No, you?

Emily: No, you?

Fat Amy: You just asked me.

Emily: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Beca can we do this now?

Beca: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!

Aubrey: (To Chloe, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.

Chloe: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.

Aubrey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.

Beca: (Into microphone) pitch perfect cafe is proud to present Miss Emily Junk.

Emily: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Fat Amy gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:)

You don't have to be awake to be my man,

As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.

Though we just met the other day,

There's something I have got to say...

(She sees Fat Amy sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)

Beca: (Into mike) Okay, that was Emily Junk, everybody. Woo!

(Enter Stacie)

Stacie: What was that?

Chloe: Oh, uh, Emily just started a...

Stacie: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Aubrey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)

Aubrey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Chloe's look) I'll shut up.

Chloe: Stacie, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.

Stacie: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.

Chloe: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?

Stacie: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!

(People turn to look)

Chloe: (To the rest of pitch perfect cafe) We're rehearsing a Greek play.

Stacie: That's very funny. We done now?

Chloe: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?

Stacie: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.

Chloe: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Stacie) you can't? (Stacie grabs her finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Stacie twists it and Chloe goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To pitch perfect cafe) Still doing the play. Aaah!

[Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Fat Amy bursts in, closely followed by Emily. There is no sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.]

Emily: Alright, whadyou do with him?

(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)

Emily: Oh! You're awake!

Fat Amy: Look at you! How, how do you feel?

Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.

Emily: You look good!

Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?

Emily: Oh, sorry.

Fat Amy: I'm Amy Hobart Aka Patricia.

Emily: I'm Junk. I mean Emily, Emily Junk. I've been taking care of you.

Fat Amy: Well, we both have.

Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?

Fat Amy: Well, actually it's just from me.

Emily: I got you the foot massager.

Fat Amy: You know who shaved you? That was me.

Emily: I read to you.

Fat Amy: I knitted sweater for you.

Emily: I sang. (To Fat Amy) Hah!

Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.

Emily: Oh, my pleasure.

Fat Amy: You're welcome.

Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.

Emily: What, that's it?

Fat Amy: "See you around?"

Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?

Emily: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call you?"

Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.

Fat Amy: I don't think you mean that.

Emily: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Amy.

Fat Amy: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.

[Scene: Stacie's room, she is talking with her mom.]

Mrs. Conrad: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?

Stacie: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.

Mrs. Conrad: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses her and goes to leave)

Stacie: You kissed my best friend Chloe! ...Or something to that effect.

Mrs. Conrad: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.

Stacie: Really stupid.

Mrs. Conrad: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?

Stacie: Yeah. No. No...

[Cut to the hallway, Aubrey is listening to Stacie and her mom's conversation through the door as Chloe walks up.]

Aubrey: Ah, the forbidden love of a woman and her door.

Aubrey: Shh. She did it. She told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.

Chloe: You're kidding.

Aubrey: No, no. She said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"

Chloe: Wow!

Aubrey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"

Chloe: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?"

Aubrey: That makes more sense.

Chloe: So, what's going on now?

Aubrey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole)

Chloe: What do you see?

Aubrey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!

(Aubrey runs off down the hall. Chloe tries nearby beca's room, but it is locked so she has to stand in the hall and pretend she wasn't listening. Stacie and her mom come out)

Mrs. Conrad: You okay, kiddo?

Stacie: Yeah, okay.

Mrs. Conrad: Alright. (Kisses her)

Stacie: Nice save.

(She walks down the hall)

Chloe: (Very politely) Mrs. Conrad.

Mrs. Conrad: Miss Beale.

(She leaves)

(Chloe knocks on Stacie's door)

Stacie: Hey.

Chloe: You mean that?

Stacie: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.

Chloe: Yeah? How'd it go?

Stacie: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse.

Chloe: Well, how do you feel?

Stacie: Pretty good! I told her.

Chloe: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Stacie, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.

[Scene: Bella's Residency, Beca is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]

Beca: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.

Aubrey: What's a 'niffle'?

Fat Amy: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.

Beca: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...

Chloe: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Beca: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!

All: Nooo!

End