Short chapter, the next bit I feel is too different in feeling to attach to this.
And oh yeah. Attempting to write out this view of Unohana Retsu that my brain pieced together and supplied me with was officially the most INSANELY DIFFICULT thing i've ever done.
"Ah! Hikaru-san!"
I nodded to my squadmates as I slid the door shut behind me. I'd become a little popular after the mayhem a week ago, with congratulations all around for throwing off my illness and fighting in defence of the wounded under our care. I'd never been what you'd call 'social' and it had been a little difficult at first, working in an organized group like fourth squad. But my time with them and even with my zanpakutou (though I'd be damned if I ever admitted it to him) had chipped away at the shell around me, but exchanging pleasantries was still something I had to stop and remember to do.
So I smiled and gabbed (three sentences, a personal best) before saying goodbye and hearing the gravel crunch underfoot and I stepped out into the garden. The air was chilly, and it prickled my skin as I raised my arms to stretch out.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't understand why. I'd been restless since the battle, since Sanguine Jester awoke with a vengeance and my power came flowing back to me. I'd been happy, of course. With that one last obstacle gone, I felt like a true shinigami. My life-my existence, could finally move forwards.
I was starting to learn medical techniques that required a precise control of my reiatsu, and the time spent making use of every drop of power I could eke out meant I had all the training needed. No time to waste playing catch-up before learning the techniques themselves.
That careful control of power leant itself to more general kido as well. The few simple spells I'd learned were more powerful then their level would suggest, my focus packing the spirit particles I worked with into such a dense mass that they were many times more difficult to dispel or defend against.
I had everything that I wanted. A home, a family, a purpose, and all the little luxuries and abilities I'd thought lost, and more. But right now, something I couldn't identify was weighing on me even though I had few regrets and even fewer worries.
I lowered my head to see my reflection in a pond, framed by a bright full moon. The image was clear and deep, and I stared at it until a breeze brushed the water. I grinned half-heartedly and watched the distorted reflections grin back. A dozen smiling faces, and not one of them could tell me what was troubling me.
"There's just no pleasing some people, huh?"
A sudden rustle startled me, turning and reaching for my zapakutou.
"Oh! My apologies, I didn't mean to disturb you."
Unohana-Taichou appeared from behind a tree, and as realization of who it was finally sank in, I pushed my weapon back into it's sheathe with a trembling hand.
"No, no…I'm just…"
She padded quietly across the grass, eyes gently focused on some distant thing only she could see, some thought or star she seemed to be contemplating. I tried to look away, to collect the thoughts I'd tried to dismiss with a quip. My gaze went back to the pond, to my reflection…and to the hand still tight around the grip of my zanpakutou.
I jerked the hand away, holding it close and tight. I dared to look up, to see if I'd been caught, but Unohana's eyes weren't on me, but on some distant point, her expression unchanged as if everything was normal. It was a lie to make me feel better. She'd seen it. Probably knew something was wrong with me long before I did.
Unohana Retsu. When you were in her care, you'd remember things you'd thought you'd forgotten, the smells of pleasant memories and music from bygone days. Speaking to her was speaking to your most trusted confidante, your oldest friend. She was never imposing; her presence always welcome, bodies relaxing on pure reflex whenever she approached. Above all else, she was my Taichou.
And I'd almost pulled my zanpakutou against her.
She hadn't even blinked, of course. We stood together quietly, her eyes distant and mine downcast. I'd look back on that evening later and never really understand how she'd done it, never know how she could read a person's heart so easily.
"I…couldn't sleep."
"That's understandable. There are some things…mere training cannot prepare you for."
"No, no I've…been in fights before. I've seen worse."
"You have?"
"When I was…alive, heh…I was introduced to hollows by the eleventh squad. They taught me how to fight, even got my first lessons in reiatsu-use from them."
"Hmm…I thought I saw their…influence…in your fighting style."
We shared a grin at that, the break in the conversation letting the sounds of the evening reassert themselves. I sank into the sounds of the breeze through leaves and over the grass, glanced about for the chirps of insects and strained to catch the meaning of words from distant conversations, reached for anything in my surroundings that might pull me away from what I was feeling.
But Unohana-Taichou wouldn't let me escape. She knew better than to allow that.
"It was very fortunate that your powers returned when they did. Without your sword protecting the wounded..."
"I shouldn't have lost them in the first place. I should have been able to…to…"
"To fight."
A few hours after the mass battle, as we were returning to seireitei, a small group of hollows that had broken away from the main group wandered into our path. There weren't many shinigami in the group, just a few low seats and a handful from other squads acting as guards. And of course, the wounded. The hollows had borne down on us so fast…but before the guards were finished shouting orders, I had already thrown myself at them, moving so quickly from hollow to hollow I had half the group chasing me before the other shinigami joined the fight.
"Yes!"
"But you are not in a front-line combat squad. The strength of fourth squad supports those who fight, to heal or-"
"I couldn't even do that! All I could…I couldn't...do anything…"
Unohana crossed the distance as I stumbled, supporting me. I looked up at her surprised, not even understanding that she was there,next to me, and I stared wide-eyed, unable to focus on the here-and-now while too many feelings and memories I couldn't reconcile all fighting for my attention.
"You may have seen battle as a warrior, but not as a medic. You are used to acting instead of waiting. Knowing what you were capable of and deciding things with your power, instead of watching people live or die without being able to affect things."
The world moved again, and I was sitting on a low bench. I followed a pair of sandals up from the ground to see Unohana sitting next to me, once again staring at something only she could see.
"It's the same…not having spiritual powers, as not having a tool or a sword when you need it most. Not having control, knowing that despite everything you've done, some things will never be completely in your hands."
She looked at me then, pulling herself away from that distant place.
"I considered it when I saw you working to study your condition. As a healer there is only so much that can be done, and there is a great deal more that only the patient can decide. And if you desire to continue here…you must come to accept that."
"If I…continue?"
"With your level of power, your abilities would be wasted in any other capacity fourth squad might offer. Perhaps you should consider a transfer to another squad."
The garden was silent for a long time, and for a few moments before the silence broke, I could see what Unohana was looking at.
It was a decision, one that she'd made a long time ago.
The same one I was faced with now.
"After I was assigned, even with my reiatsu sealed away, I was happy. I wanted to dedicate myself completely to this squad, and do everything that I could, no matter how small."
My legs protested, everything feeling heavy and awkward as I stood and took a few careful steps.
"You say that as hard as I try, there will be some things I'll be helpless to change. I don't ever want to feel that again, but I can't leave. I can't control everything, but for the sake of what I can do, I'll hold this decision in my hands, at least."
I make an attempt to straighten my robes, brushing at imaginary dirt and wiping away real tears with my sleeve, trying to look a little presentable as I turned to face my Tachou, saluting off-key.
"With your permission, Unohana-Taichou, I'd like to remain in fourth squad."
For a moment, odd as it was with the expression already on she face, she seemed to smile more. She answered me with something formal, bowing slightly. I returned it the bow much deeper and with an expression of gratitude. I bid her good night and left her in the garden, and the last I saw of her was her gaze returning to that distant place.
Sharing a smile with her younger self.
